Not tying my significance to my busyness

Yesterday I got to ride to my favourite large park. I don't think I've been there since April! It was my first ride there after the worst of the summer heat had abated. Just like last year, for weeks I've found myself longing for this.

It wasn't just a 16 km ride, I stopped in the park for a picnic and read (mostly non-fiction) for over three hours. Like a mini retreat, really. Also, riding a bike gives you time to think! And I think better when I'm doing something physical.

I was surprised when two main books I spent time reading yesterday intersected in some of their themes, as they are authors from very different worlds. The first one I mentioned a couple of weeks ago: Life Interrupted by a friend, Susan Chapman, it was published three years ago during the pandemic. It's short and jam packed with things to think about how we live our lives, our expectations, how to continue to grow, and take care of ourselves at the same time. Susan is a missionary with our organisation and I've known her since before we came to Japan. She, like me, has lived her life in Australia and East Asia and grew up in a similar part of Australia to me. Her book was born out of a major interruption that she and her husband experienced during Covid. It's a text that you could use for a retreat or a small group, because there's plenty of questions and avenues to explore.

The Cosmo field: I alway stop here
and take photos at this time of the year.
They were almost the only flowers in the
whole park yesterday.

One quote that stood out to me was, "To say no appropriately, we need to stand against any cultural expectation that our busyness is linked to our significance. Author Brené Brown sums it up well—'if we want to live a wholehearted life, we have to become intentional about cultivating sleep and play, and about letting go of exhaustion as a status symbol and productivity as self-worth.'"

The second book is The Road to Daybreak, and is the first book I've read by Henri J.M. Nouwen. I've seen him mentioned by authors like Tim Keller and Philip Yancey, but haven't picked up one of Nouwen's works myself. Henri was a Dutch Catholic priest who worked for much of his life in north America; he was an intellectual as well as a priest, a speaker and mentor as well as dipping his toe in the waters of missionary work in South America. This book was extracted from a diary he wrote during a year when God led him away from the intellectual world of Harvard into a very different life. He was serving as the priest at a L'Arche home in France. (L'Arche ("The Ark") is an international federation of non-profit organisations working to create networks of community where people with and without intellectual disabilities live and work together–Wikipedia.) 

I've only just begun this latter book, but am finding it fascinating. He was in his early 50s and was searching for God's leading.  He writes: "I feel a tension within me. I have only a limited number of years left for active ministry. Why not use them well?...Time given to inner renewal is never wasted. God is not in a hurry."

So here the two books coincide. I struggle with needing to link my output to my significance. Nouwen was discovering that these people he was living with (and indeed himself also) were significant despite having limited output and limited potential for the future as far as the world understood it. I know this all in my head, but I so often fall short when I try to link that to my thoughts about my own worth and value. I want, so often, to prove my value to others through what I do and how busy I am, I get depressed when work is a little slow and my thoughts turn to all my deficits and then start condemning me as "pretty useless really".

I saw a lot of red dragonflies. This one is
called the "Spotted darter".

So with these authors speaking to me, I felt very much at peace reading in the park yesterday. It was a rare "perfect" day in Tokyo: neither hot nor cold, not windy or wet or grey. This side of heaven I will never get my thoughts and feelings perfectly aligned with how God sees me, but maybe, incrementally, I can grow more Christ-like and less tied to my faulty thinking.

The sky was gorgeous!

Lots to think about

Life has settled down again to a discernible rhythm. It's a bit of a relief, actually—I work better like this. I find it hard to concentrate and make decisions when my day-to-day routine is less stable and predictable. So when I do things like try to work and travel, even though most of my work is done remotely, it gets tricky and I don't do as good a job. But I also get bored if life is too same-same. So I'm glad for a job that always includes new challenges and has a fair amount of variety in it, even if, like last week, I sometimes get overwhelmed by it all.

Magazine matters

I'm glad that the Autumn issue of the magazine I manage has gone to the printer and we get to mail it out next week! I've been working fairly solidly on this since we got back to Tokyo in early August. 

I've been working on this magazine for around 15 years, and I can tell you that some "issues" are harder than others. There are all sorts of reasons for that. It can be team challenges, a difficult issue-theme, unexpected random obstacles, author difficulties, or at times when my own transitions or travel interfere with my ability to concentrate on the work needed. 

This issue was particularly difficult for some of these reasons, and has required "above and beyond" over the last few months. I hope that it was all worth it, and pray that God will take it and use it for his purposes.

This month is our magazine "annual meeting" month. Because our remote team works across several different time zones it's hard to hold meetings. I've never been a fan of meetings, they can easily be a waste of time! I'm in a position to have been able to shape my work in so many ways, both with the magazine and with the social media work, and I've tended towards setting up processes that mean we don't have to meet often, though I have been called out on that!

Our magazine team gets together once a year to talk about team and magazine stuff, to pray, to have fun, and to plan. In the last few years that has been achieved with four 1½ hr meetings. I really enjoy this team. We have fun when we get together, even online. They are passionate about the mission of this magazine and that makes them easy to lead. And the four shorter meetings are actually a lot easier to manage than a single one-day event, like we used to have. (I've written about this meeting/ these meetings before, here's one back in 2016 when it was an in-person meeting: https://mmuser.blogspot.com/2016/08/energising-meeting.html)

What have I been thinking about recently?

Well, if you know me, you know that there's usually a lot going on in my brain! This week I've had time to listen to some podcasts and I've been trying to be disciplined about continuing to gradually (usually a short portion over coffee in the afternoon) work my way through non-fiction books that are on my to-read list.

I listened to John Dickson's Undeceptions (my usual go-to for lunchtime listening), an episode about the boy Jesus. It gave some interesting historical background to the life Jesus lived.

I came across an OMF US podcast interview with a new worker I met last week. She was effusive last week about the social media work I do and how that had been a pivotal part of her coming to Japan, so I was curious about her larger story (if you ever get into the position to ask, find out a missionary's "call story" they are usually fascinating and never the same as any other missionary's). The 45 minute interview was well done and I loved the bit where God led her to look at Instagram, just after she'd surrendered her desire to go to Japan...and she saw a post from OMF Japan!

I also listened to a podcast from Moore Bible College about Neurodiversity and the Christian Life (part 1 of 3). I wasn't so impressed with their format, it's a bit academic, although there were some redeeming interview clips. Yet it's a topic that is close to our hearts, so I'll go back later and hear what they have to say in the next two parts.

I've just finished one non-fiction book (after several months) and have started another. The first I've read before, and will probably read again. Gentle and Lowly is deep and full of many things that will take a lifetime for my heart to absorb. It's about the heart of Christ for us and what small amount I can grasp, even though I've been a Christian since I was a child, it still breathtaking.

The new book I've just picked up, Life interrupted, by Susan Chapman, an OMF colleague, starts out on a similar line: understanding that we are loved by God. It's something that is easy to say, but hard to live. I'm only just starting this short book, but am already challenged by what she says next: "we need to be totally content in being finite". She goes on to quote Ruth Hayley Barton who says:

Living graciously within the boundaries of our life as it has been entrusted to us gives our life substance. Oddly enough, something of the will of God is contained in the very limits that we often try to sidestep or ignore. Living within limits is not in any way an acquiescence that is despairing, passive or fatalistic. Rather it honours the deepest realities of the life God has given us. Life in this body at this age and stage. Life in my family at its age and stage. Life in this personality. Life with this community. Life in the midst of this calling. (Strengthening the Soul of Your Leadership: Seeking God in the Crucible of Ministry), p12 in Life Interrupted. 

It's this that I need to continue to learn as I settle into this phase of my life. What does "life in this body at this stage and age, with the gifts and calling that God's given me?" look like. And how can I be content in that? I think it's something all of us probably need to think about at various ages and stages!

I had way too many tabs open and a book review happened

[Written yesterday, but I ran out of time to finish it off and post it.]

I'm having an exceptionally difficult time concentrating on anything today...part of that is that it is my birthday and I always struggle conceptually with that—it always throws me off balance for 24 hrs! I feel like maybe you should stop celebrating that once you become an adult (or perhaps by 25 or something). We don't have much planned, indeed it was going to be a usual work day for us both. But David has had a sore throat and minimal vocal endurance since Friday, and this is his third day home. I'm just not used to him being home during the week (when it isn't a school holiday) and it throws me off balance! 

Ice cream cake and my birthday present:
eight bulbs in bloom

Our plans were (and still are) to go out for dinner and have ice cream cake afterwards. Simple, easy. With no family around there isn't any need for anything else. I did think about taking a few hours out of the office to ride to my favourite park. It would be perfect as the sakura trees are all blooming, but alas it's drizzling and cold...in fact it's been raining almost constantly for the last week, barring Sunday. So not a great day to be out at all.

So, instead I'm sitting at my desk with way too many tabs open—on all my devices, and in my head—and I'm not achieving anything. (In my defence, I did get our prayer letter for April sent out...but that was a fairly simple task, the harder stuff was done earlier in the week).

One of the things on my "rolling" to do list is to write about a book I finished recently...maybe that's something I can do today? I want to write about this to help clarify my thoughts about the topic, but also to recommend it to you as a worthwhile read.

The book is called Unoffendable by Brant Hansen. It was mentioned during the retreat in March, and, to my surprise, I was able to find it my online public library. The book takes us back to basics, especially about anger, but also love, forgiveness, and living a restful life. It was quite US-focused, though. The US sounds like a very angry culture, and perhaps Australia has changed in recent years, but I think our culture tends more towards the "she'll be right mate" laid-back attitude that both annoys and attracts Americans.

What shocks me in the book is what the author portrayed as an apparent acceptance by Christians of anger as a good emotion: legitimising one's answer as "righteous" is commonly mentioned in the book. People saying that you can't get things done unless you utilise anger as a motivation. And "Isn't being offended part of being a Christian" (quote from p15 of my ebook).

The author has concluded, in an apparently counter-cultural move, that Christians should be the most unoffendable people on the planet. Here is some of what the Bible says about anger:

"Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice" (Eph. 4:31 NIV).

"My dear brothers and sisters, take note of this: everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry, because human anger does not produce the righteousness that God desires" (James 1:20).

"But now you must also rid yourselves of all such things as these: anger, rage, malice, slander, and filthy language from your lips " (Col. 3:8).

I looked it up and the term "righteous anger" isn't in the Bible, actually. Most of what is written there about anger is very negative.

But as I type that, I think of examples of stories of characters in the Bible who did get angry for good reasons: Moses (more than once), David, various prophets, etc. But the question really is, as a book review on The Gospel Coalition's website says, in theological terms, is "anger a communicable or incommunicable attribute of God. . . is anger an attribute God shares with people?" A question you need to answer before you can use Jesus's anger as a justification for your own.

I am no theologian, but I think that Christians probably justify anger more than we should, but also, that there are times when anger is okay. But I don't think that it's okay to hold onto anger for lengthy periods or to sling around like a sledgehammer in a way that overshadows the life of love that we're called to. I know people like that, even Christians, and they aren't easy to live life near. This book addresses the tendency to go overboard in our justification of anger.

One of the parts of the book that struck me was that a restful life, a life characterised by peace, is actually more attractive than one that is full of anger and an easy-to-offend nature. Some how "restfulness" can often feel like a waste of time to me...but perhaps I'm more useful to God if I aim more at a restful-type life, than a running-around-like-crazy life?

I always love an author who writes in a personable way and is happy to share their faults. This book has that in spades. He also has fun (and helpful) stories and quirky chapter titles like: "This is the Chapter about how we're just barely smart enough to be stupid" and "And lo, the Kingdom of God is like a terrible football team".

It's a good read, even if you don't especially struggle with anger.

_____________

Postscript: The day ended, better than it started. I did get a bit more done (maybe because I did a bit of writing here...writing often works like that for me). And finished off with a helpful international collaboration meeting with others in our organisation. Then we had a delightful meal at a Japanese restaurant and, you've already seen the photo, ice cream cake!

Books I've read recently

I wrote back in October that our schedule was less busy than we were used to, that has continued. While we came back to Australia with some big audacious goals (the main one being getting our sons settled into living independently here, especially our middle son who has extra challenges), achieving those goals hasn't been a full 40-hr a week job each week. On top of that, for various reasons we've had fewer church and other groups to visit. We've also not been tied to school drop-offs and pick ups. And then our sons moved out in February and we discovered that we had even more time available to us (meal prep and clean-up took less time, for example). And then, obviously, we had two months of leave! It's been a really different home assignment.

So I've had to figure out how to use my time meaningfully when it's not full of the daily deadlines that were the reality of my work in the last several years in publishing. And with all of the above changes, there has been many a day when I've woken up wondering just what I was going to do to fill my time that day.

A few possibilities for how to use my time were taking on further study or volunteering more of my time to our church or another organisation. None of these were ideal because of the lack of consistency I could offer. Particularly with two months of long service leave thrown in there. We haven't been at our church every week because we have had to speak at other churches some Sundays. We've also only got one car, and some weeks it's been pretty busy as David helped each of our sons get the necessary driving hours to qualify to take a driving test, or been helping them with other tasks.

So in the end I haven't volunteered much anywhere. One thing I have done, however, is read. I have read more non-fiction than I usually do, as an attempt at personal growth. Some of the non-fiction books I've read during our HA include:

• Trusting God by Jerry Bridges
• The Bible Jesus Read by Philip Yancey
• A Praying Life: Connecting with God in a Distracting World by Paul E. Miller
• Writely or Wrongly: An unstuffy guide to language by Joanne Anderson
• How Writing Works: a field guide to effective writing by Roslyn Petelin
• First You Write a Sentence: The Elements of Reading, Writing . . . and Life by Joe Moran
• The Man Time Forgot: A Tale of Genius, Betrayal, and the Creation of Time Magazine by Isaiah Wilner
• My Dream Time: A Memoir of Tennis and Teamwork by Ash Barty
• The Container Victory Garden: A Beginner's Guide to Growing Your Own Groceries by Maggie Stuckey
• Australian History in Seven Questions by John Hirst

It's turned out to be a great way to use my time on those days that I have extra hours to fill. The three I have read most recently are pictured here (not in the list) and they've all been very good.

Bullies and Saints was an excellent overview of the history of the church from the perspective of the good and not-so-good things that people who call themselves Christians have done over the centuries. I love history and really appreciated the perspective that the author, John Dickson, was able to provide. It definitely provided perspective on our current cultural climate, and the place of Christianity in it. His podcast Undeceptions is also excellent and I recommend it for thoughtful, well-researched content that addresses many things aside from history, including really difficult contemporary topics.

David and I read the Keller book on marriage together after dinner for a few weeks. It's also given us a better perspective on marriage in several areas. I definitely recommend it to any married person along with singles, pretty much any adult, but particularly those interested in a Christian perspective on marriage.

I'm not quite finished the Carson book on A Call to Spiritual Reformation: Priorities from Paul and His Prayers. It isn't the easiest book, but it's really good. For years I've used Paul's prayers in various Biblical letters to help me when, on our prayer schedule, I am allocated the task to pray for people who I barely know or haven't been in recent touch with. So this book about Paul's prayers has given me new insight and new encouragement to pray for people prayers that have more depth. For example, rather than  to  say "Please bless Sue", to pray that God would give her power to know his love deeper and to grow in her knowledge of God and love for others. 

To keep myself ploughing through the above book (and others before it), I've tried to set aside specific reading times. For example, a daily reading time over coffee mid afternoon out on my deck. Top tip: over the years I've found it easier to get things that aren't top of my priorities/joys done (like house cleaning and reading more difficult books) if they are tied to a schedule or some other marker.

Reading has many, many benefits. It's a great way to help you with conversation too: the number of times that I've brought up things in a book I've recently read could not be counted! A book like the one by Ash Barty is a great potential conversation starter in a variety of situations.

I'm grateful for the quieter weeks we've had this year, and the opportunity to invest in reading in a way that I haven't had a chance to do for nearly 25 years!

A couple of admissions

I've had lots of space for thinking recently. Sometimes it feels like too much space.

We enjoyed the simple pleasure of catching
up with "old" friends on Saturday.

A shocking truth: not trusting God. Yep, that's me.

After we moved here in July, I re-joined our home church's Friday morning Ladies Bible study. They had been studying Trusting God by Jerry Bridges. Of course, coming in more than halfway through the year was a disadvantage. (For my northern hemisphere readers: Much of Australian life runs on a calendar year. Many things, including school, start in mid or late January after the long Christmas/summer holidays and finish in November or December. So arriving in July or August often means you've missed half a year of something.) 

One of the ladies gave me a copy of the book they were studying, one that I have actually owned since I was a uni student, but I think it's in storage in Japan. It's a long time since I read it, so I've gone back to read from the start of the book. 

It really is basic stuff that I know, but stuff that I keep forgetting, or maybe "forgetting" is too strong a word, possibly "lose sight of" could be better? I am still not really good at applying truths I know in my head to my emotions. Emotions grab hold of me and before I know it my body is showing signs of stress. When I take a step back and think about what’s going on, more often than not I realise it's because I've stopped trusting that "God's providence is his constant care for and his absolute rule over all his creation for his own glory and the good of his people" (Trusting God, p. 13).

So, I was encouraged to read Bridges write (about his own pilgrimage of seeking to come to a place of trusting God at all times), "I am still far from the end of the journey." It is good to remember that it is a journey, and one that won’t be finished until we’re in heaven.

Entitled thinking 

Additionally I've been thinking about how easy it is for missionaries to slip into entitled thinking. A few weeks ago a close friend caught me thinking that way—my guard was down because she is such a good friend, and I was shocked to hear what came out of my mouth. I still feel ashamed as I see how easy it is to slip into thinking that because I'm a missionary I deserve certain things and deserve better things. And then complaining when I don't get them! And then I saw this quote: 

"You cannot possibly have a sense of entitlement—thinking you deserve only good and beautiful things–when you truly realize that you don't deserve anything good if not for God's grace, extended from his throne."—Mel Caparrow, Enough is Enough

Ouch!

I think "truly realize" is one thing, but always remembering it is another. The dictionary.com definition of "realize" is to "become fully aware of (something) as a fact; understand clearly". I really do understand these truths pretty clearly, but, as I wrote about earlier, applying them to my heart is another matter.

Need to be careful where I put my focus

I need to be more thankful, and more repentant when I notice thoughts like this entering my head. I'm thankful my friend caught me in this. She didn't rebuke me directly, but what she said made me stop and think about what I'd just said.

In the end I think many of the issues that we deal with (anxiety, entitled thinking, anger, fear, discontent etc.) stem back to not trusting God. And this reminds me of a favourite book of mine (that’s also in storage in Tokyo), Awe by Paul Tripp that traces the things we struggle with back to our lack of awe of God, our forgetting how amazing and completely capable and loving he is. I wrote about another book by Jerry Bridges a few years back (here), which also traces what he calls “hidden sins” back to a lack of trust in God’s character:

“The importance of a firm belief in the sovereignty, wisdom, and goodness of God in all the circumstances of our lives. Whether those circumstances are short-term or long-term, our ability to respond to them in a God-honoring and God-pleasing manner depends on our ability and willingness to bring these truths to bear on them. And we must do this by faith; that is, we must believe that the Bible's teaching about these attributes really is true and that God has brought or allowed these difficult circumstances in our lives for his glory and our ultimate good” (Hidden Sins, Bridges, p. 76).

“When I refocus, I take my eyes off my problems, and shift them onto the Lord — and I choose to trust him. Trust him even when my situation looks black. Trust him that he is working for my good. Trust him that he knows what is best.” (From here.)

Remembering this is so important: "No good thing does he withhold from those who walk uprightly" (Psalm 84:11). 

In the last two weeks we received disappointing news on two fronts. Not devastating news, just what felt like setbacks to our plans. But obviously our plans weren’t God’s plans and we need to continue to trust he’ll guide us as we seek to work our way through settling our younger two sons in Australia so that we can return to Japan next July. So I return to one of my favourite passages from the Bible:

Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles. And let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us, fixing our eyes on Jesus, the pioneer and perfecter of faith. For the joy set before him he endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. Consider him who endured such opposition from sinners, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart" (Heb. 12:1–3, NIV).

Ah, it is so easy to lose heart. I'm feeling flat today and I think it's partly a losing-heart symptom. Life is hard. God didn't promise us anything else. So the only option is to keep our eyes focused on him.

I've rambled on long enough, it's time to publish this now (I've been writing it for a couple of weeks as I tried to process the rollercoaster of emotions I've been riding).

Transition reflections

We are inching closer and closer to home assignment. It's less than five weeks till we fly out of Japan and while I know there is a lot yet to be done, I'm also getting impatient for it all to be over! I feel a bit overwhelmed by all the anticipation! 

This week I've been slowed up considerably by the miserable cold I mentioned last post, complicated as usual by my chronic asthma. I've gotten a lot less done than I'd expected, but nonetheless, I don't appear to be terribly behind, which is a great relief.

Yesterday morning I had my last "handover" planning meeting. Gradually the puzzle that I've been working on is being solved. The question that's been heavily on my mind for months now was how I was going to take leave from my various roles in Japan for 12 months without having those ministries collapse (not because I'm indispensable, but because I have been a key leader of both my main ministry teams). 

The goal I've been working towards is officially finishing most of my roles next Friday. After that we have our OMF field conference for a week in Hokkaido and then three and a half weeks to pack up our house, pack our bags, move, go to final medical appointments, say farewells, dispose of stuff, and hop on an aeroplane.

Forgive my unbelief

One of the stresses of moves like this one are all the unknowns compounded by many, many decisions. Most of the unknowns for us now are problems to be solved in Australia: like where we're going to live and how we're going to get around. 

We sent out our June prayer letter this week and in that we made an appeal to borrow furniture. We don't know where we'll live, but chances are that it will be unfurnished. We have only a very small amount stored in Australia and almost none of that is furniture, so each time we've got back for home assignment, we've asked our network to help us out. They've never failed in 20 years and I can't remember ever having to buy any larger (or even medium) household goods. God's provided in the past. But I still succumb to anxiety, which, I realise, is basically rooted in not believing that God will supply our needs (despite what I say with my words). In the case of the furniture, only an hour or two after I sent out that prayer letter, a good friend messaged me with news that she can supply most of those needs! Wow. Thank you Lord, but please forgive my unbelief! And help me to apply that faith to the other needs we have!

Quietly rebelling

What most people don't realise is that we really do like what we do in Japan. The essence of home assignment is that we have to give up what we really like doing here to become public speakers in Australia. And neither of us really enjoys public speaking.

I find myself quietly wanting to rebel against what we’re required to do over the next twelve months. Most of what we do in Japan is usually in the background. Neither of us feel comfortable being in the limelight. But home assignment puts us firmly there. We morph into speakers, workshop leaders, and Japan experts. My quiet rebellion is because I don't really want to be considered an extraordinary human being, one that needs to be pointed out as something special, someone who we invite to speak about their amazing experiences. That sub-text is contrary to what I want to communicate: that we are just ordinary humans, doing pretty ordinary stuff (just in an extraordinary place). We appear "special" because not many people do this, but it's not because we are inherently special. All we have and are is from God. It's because we serve an extraordinary God that we can do this, and keep doing it.

Translators?

I'm reading a book at the moment called Uncommon Ground, a collection of essays brought together by Tim Keller and John Inazu with perspectives from people thinking deeply and working daily to live with these times. What I didn't expect was to gain some perspective on what our role is during home assignment.One of the authors, John Inazu, calls himself a translator, though he is a lawyer and teacher. He says each of us is called to the task of translation: making words and ideas accessible to audiences unfamiliar with them. He describes his role as translating for and to each of the two worlds he occupies: the church and the university (he teaches law). "My vocation of translation means translating the university to some of my church friends and translating the church to some of my university friends." (p. 115)

In the case of a missionary on home assignment, we have to "translate" overseas mission and Japan to Australians. In general people we encounter there don't clearly understand what we do or where we do it. If you've followed my blog for a long time, you'll know that our work in Australia is composed of answering a lot of questions.

Much patience and diligence is required in translation. Much attention to detail as well as sensitivity to the wider picture. My work as an editor is also translation to some degree. I have to ensure that the writer's intent is accurately and appealingly translated into words that the audience will understand and not stumble over. And of course, as a writer who writes about cross-cultural life, I am translating my experience, life in Japan, and missionary life, into words so that others can understand. Pretty similar, in a way, to what we do on HA, except that as a writer and editor, I can hide behind my screen, rather than have to engage people face to face, or stand up in front of an audience with no time to edit my answers.

This is an interesting, helpful new thought for me. The author's thoughts on how we all need more humility, patience, and tolerance, are challenging, but helpful as we head into a different season of translation.

Lists, a book, and more lists

Birthday present from
one of my sons!

A birthday

On Monday I celebrated another birthday. I've had a lot of them now! It was a busy day on the other side of Tokyo with OMF colleagues, something I'm thankful for. I didn't have time for much navel-gazing or feeling emotional about how many decades have passed.

Great book

When God doesn't answer your prayer this is the title of a book I finished reading recently, actually on the train on my birthday! It's one of the easier books on prayer that I've ever read (and perhaps the shortest). But it was also hard to read: because it brought to mind the many griefs: people who've died, people who are alive but struggling with overwhelming problems, and other people who don't walk a path of faith in Christ. Not to mention those things that happen that just don't make sense.

The author, Jerry Sittser, comes to the topic from a place of deep pain (losing his daughter, wife and mother in a car accident and then being a single parent to his remaining three children). There are no cliches or glibness. It's very honest. He writes:

I view suffering with horror, and I recoil from it. I have seen too many people fail to bounce back. Yet I cannot fathom what we would do without suffering either. I have come to this conclusion with great hesitation. Adversity strips us down, exposes us, and breaks us, all prerequisites for genuine growth in the spiritual life...it drives us to God.

His theology is sound and he's happy to admit where he struggles and where he doesn't understand. The book has encouraged me to persist in prayer, to be more honest (God can take our complaints), and to be more willing to ask God to change me than to change the world around me (though that is a hard thing to pray).

I'd love to read it again, perhaps with one or more other people (it has questions in the back for groups). I'm delighted that this is in my local Australian library as an ebook!

Daily life

After over a week away from my desk I had to face my growing list of "to dos" on Wednesday. As home assignment gets closer, the lists of things to do continue to grow. Some lights are glowing dimly at the end the proverbial tunnel. But it does feel like the train is going faster and faster.

Lists and more lists. This is how I cope with an overwhelming number of things to remember to do. This week, amongst my usual work, I've also added arrows to calendars and made a few lists of what is in my head that I need to pass on to others who will take over my various roles. I've answered emails and written messages and emails about potential commitments in September, and March 2024.

Today, Good Friday, the Christian Academy in Japan, our school, has taken the afternoon off. I worked this morning at my computer and this afternoon has been a mishmash of various home and work responsibilities. This evening, we're meeting colleagues/friends for dinner at a local cafe.

Upcoming stuff

Tomorrow we've got our last Saturday sports event ever. I have mixed feelings about that! (We've got one more athletics meet at the end of the month, but it's a mid-week event.) We're hoping that the rain that is forecast will not eventuate!

On Sunday afternoon we're taking a short walk down the road to look at a possibility for our next abode in Japan (from next July). Still very much only a possibility, but I'm keen to take a look.

And then Monday it's back to my desk, and continuing to add and tick off items on my to-do list on my phone. The items on the list aren't just busy work, they are things like: 

• write 100 words for OMF Japan's monthly prayer letter about my ministries
• flat plan for HA photo album
• follow up with three people (after the 18th) about a topic they might write on
• list the processes for OMF blog editing
• write a call for proposals for the next magazine

Another online list (on Asana) tells me I also need to 

• edit blog posts by Megan, Simon, and Peter.
• get back to an author about his edited article

Important bits and pieces related to all sorts of things that I'm responsible for. And having them on the list means I'm not wearing myself out trying to remember it all. Hopefully, it means that the balls that are my responsibility to keep in the air and usher eventually into the right hands aren't dropped.

I'm well aware today is Good Friday, though nothing much of what I've done has been particularly contemplative. We aren't especially big on elaborate traditions in our family. But know that what today represents in the death of Jesus Christ, son of God, is central to my faith and my life, every day. Some people look at us and the various things that we have faced, especially in the last few years, and wonder why we're still here when in some ways it would have been easier to "give up and go home". The truth of the matter is that it's because of Easter.

I have a note in my Bible: "This is why we serve him." It's in the margin of Isaiah 53:12— "Because he poured out his life unto death, and was numbered with the transgressors. For he bore the sin of many, and made intercession for the transgressors" (NIV).

Here's a different way of writing it: "He has poured out his soul unto death. He was counted as a sinner, and he bore the sins of many, and he pled with God for sinners" (Living Bible).

With regards to the hard things that come our way, in the "unanswered prayer" book, Sittser writes:

The real heroes in life are those who respond to adversity with dignity, faith, and patience. All we must do is be attentive to the little irritations and problems we face every day, asking the question, 'What is God trying to do in my life?' And then pray, 'God, use this adversity to transform me.' This might be the most difficult prayer you will ever pray because of the circumstances you face. It might take all the faith you can muster just to say those words. I urge you, nevertheless, to pray them, and then wait for God to answer it.

I wouldn't count myself as a "real hero", and I surely am not good at saying "God use even this to transform me." But I hope that he is transforming me regardless of whether or not I pray this.

Sacred pathways spiritual temperaments

I've just finished reading a book called Sacred Pathways by Gary L. Thomas. It's about different "spiritual temperaments". That is, about various ways that people find it more natural to worship God. This is fascinating to me, and consolidates things that I've contemplated over the years as I work and live in an interdenominational environment.

I've found the book helpful for a number of reasons:

This helps with the tendency to be judgemental of people who do things differently to you. I work with a lot of different people from a wide range of backgrounds. It's good to have a better understanding of their perspective when it comes to worship and connecting with God, and to move away from that tendency that "only my 'tribe' does it right".

It's taught me about my Christian background and how that plays into the way I think about worship. I come from a tradition that strongly values intellectualism. I see that in how much emphasis they put on the words of songs, and on concentrating carefully on a complex, often theologically rich sermon. 

The big revelation that I had as I recognised this was the struggle I have every week with worshipping in Japanese. I only grasp small portions of sermons and most Japanese worship songs mean little to me. However, I love singing with my Japanese brothers and sisters. That's not an intellectual activity for me, it's a sense-filled one that I appreciate. Sermons often turn into intellectual activities as I work really hard to understand what's being said, and look up various words, but I don't feel particularly close to God doing this. It's a language learning exercise that wears me out every week.

The book has helped me see that there are other ways to worship. This is really helpful because my background, and also the unspoken emphasis of my organisation, is that "words" are all important. As a writer, I have to agree . . . to some extent. But here's the interesting thing: being at church is important to me. When services were only online during the pandemic, I could barely bring myself to listen to a Japanese worship service from my home. However, I appreciate going to a worship service in person. I can only account for that as being I appreciate the atmosphere, the music and the beauty of the building, I appreciate being in the same space as others who are worshipping, and even the comfort that comes from the familiar rhythm of the elements of a worship service.

The book has taught me other things about me. I would never have called myself an "activist" (in fact I tend to run from confrontation), however the book showed me that a deep passion and involvement in mission work, like I have, is a form of activism. I also wouldn't have picked myself to be an "enthusiast" either, but in mission work we take risks and get to see God work in supernatural ways (like people giving money for the last 21 years for us to serve in Japan). Apparently both these things are characteristics of enthusiasts.

And I was surprised at how strongly I had affinity to caregiving, for example offering rides to people, cooking for them, and helping with needs when I can. I love caring for my own family by providing meals for them, and making sure they have a reasonably clean and tidy house to go about their daily lives in (though I don't take that too far, I get bored too easily with housekeeping).

I also didn't realise how much time in nature and appreciating God's creation was also a way I love to worship God. Though I should have known that, given how I love camping and going to parks, taking care of pot plants, and getting out of the city. Having my work desk in a place where I can see outside, especially seeing green, is also important to me.

Probably this isn't a book for Christians who are new to the faith, or who have a shallow faith. But for someone who has been around a while and has a reasonable grounding in basic truths of the gospel, it's a helpful read. I'm already feeling less guilty about not being the best Japanese student, and more appreciative of those who feel that liturgy or incense or fasting or  drawing is a really good way for them to connect with God.

It's always good to remember that the God of the Bible is a big, humungous God. One that we can't put into boxes. It makes perfect sense that just as he's made so many humans, each one different, that he's able to connect deeply with each one, and never in exactly the same way.

[And a very cool thing: I discovered this book through editing an article by a colleague/friend of mine, then found the ebook in my local Australian public library (Ipswich)!] 

Top ten tips for editors on working with writers

I've just discovered this blog post: it was in my draft folder, almost completely finished, but never published. I wrote it over a year ago. It think it's time to let it out into the wild. Of course most of you aren't editors, which is probably why I didn't end up publishing it. But, I've been reminded that many of us have to edit our words or other people's words, whether we identify as an editor or not. In the last year I've read The Subversive Copy Editor by Carol Fisher Saller. She says, 

"In the routines of almost any office job, a worker is likely to be responsible for a chunk of writing, and in any chunk of writing there is likely to be a problem. Solving problems with writers is what copyediting is."(p 3)

I like that: lots of us are editors, whether we think of that as part of our skill-set or not. I also like the idea that editors are problem solvers. That's what I love to do: solve problems!

By the way, it's an excellent book. I've underlined many passages in it. For example:

Editing "matters because inaccuracies and inconsistencies undermine a writer's authority, distract and confuse the reader, and reflect poorly on the company...Discriminating readers look for reasons to trust a writer and reasons not to . . . [We] help the writer forge a connection with the reader based on trust—trust that the writer is intelligent and responsible, and that her work is a reliable source." (p 10)

This book is about doing a good job as an editor (tonnes of practical hints about how to organise your work etc.) and but also also how to build a good relationship with writers. It's one of those books I'd love to have read before I started work as an editor—I had to learn so much by trial and error! 

Editors also need to build trust with their writers and that's not easy to do when you don't have a face-to-face relationship with them. I look back now and realise that most of the difficulties I had early on was that writers didn't trust me. And quite possibly I needed to do more to gain their trust than I did.

The three key words she emphases in her book are carefulness, transparency, and flexibility. 

I could go on and on about this book, but anyway, if editing is part of your job, I recommend you grab this book and read it. It'll be worth your while. You can skip past bits that don't apply to you, but a lot of it is very relevant if editing in some form and working with others with their words is part of what you do. Oh, and there's a chapter just for writers too!

Here is what I wrote in March last year:

Last week I taught a short session at a non-fiction book-writing workshop. Online, of course! I first talked about working with editors and, obviously, gave advice about how writers could work well with editors. At the end of that I asked for "bad experiences" with editors. I was shocked. My advice to editors, is the same as what I gave the writers (in this blog post): be professional and treat this work as a team event.

The best quote I've seen about editing was in an acknowledgement of a book I picked up recently. The author noted that the editor "was both an enthusiastic supporter of the author and a faithful advocate for the reader." This succinctly explains the careful tension that an editor must work under in order to do good work. I don't believe the best editor is one who has the best understanding of English. I think the best editor is one who can keep these two elements in mind while working.

"The relationship between writer and editor can be as complex as any marriage. The common perception seems to be that the editor holds all the power. [Magazine editor talking to writer] 'Do it my way, or forget about the assignment!' he bellows, 'And forget about ever working here—or anywhere else—ever again!'  (The Layers of Magazine Editing, Michael Robert Evans, p. 123-125)

In reality, the relationship is, or should be, much more balanced than that. Yes, the editor can block the publication of an article...[but] the last thing an editor wants to do is leave a good writer feeling abused, mistreated, neglected, or otherwise."

"Editors don't hold all the power. And they know that. So they work to keep their writers happy." (or they should!)

It is the "tension between nurturing and pressuring that makes the writer-editor relationship so delicate and challenging."

My philosophy is to remember whose name will be on this work at the end of the day. If it is the writer's name, then they hold more power than I do, though hopefully we've build a respect for one another that they at least hear my opinion and take advice. The caveat with that is that there might be other considerations, especially if this writing represents a group larger than the writer. For example, the magazine I edit is published by an organisation, and I can't let writing that violates their name go into the magazine. I work in social media for my mission organisation and can't let writing go out under that name, or on the website, that goes against its principles. 

What I do is somewhat different to book editing, in that I have fairly strict deadlines and word-limitations to keep to. So, sometimes I have to choose not to publish something, or seriously shorten something because of these limitations. I also have a team of people who help me with this publishing work, I have occasionally rejected an article because I deemed it unfair to demand my team do the excess amount of work that would be required to publish that author's work.

So here are my tips for any out there who edit other people's work:

1. This is not your work, it is the author's and will have their name on it, don't ever lose sight of that. Your goal is to make their writing shine. (The caveat to that from The Subversive Copy Editor, is that "it's not the author's right to offend or confuse the reader, defy the rules of standard English, fail to identify sources, or lower the standards of your institution.")
2. Be kind, but not dishonest. Writers, especially new or inexperienced writers can take changes to their work personally. It's a good policy to seek ways that you can legitimately encourage the writer.
3. If you think big changes are needed (eg. removing large amounts of content, changing structure, significant change in tone or audience or main focus, rewording larger segments), go back to the author and see if they can make the changes themselves. Explain your reasons. The best editors do as little rewriting as possible.
4. If rewriting is necessary, be willing to go back and forth on it with the author, giving clear direction as to what you're expected.
5. Editing is not black and white. A number of the changes you will want to make are instinct or opinion. There is usually more than one way to express something. So be willing to revise your decisions if a writer is adamant.
6. Good communication with writers is vital. Try to keep your communication succinct: not long-winded, but also not multiple emails/phone calls.
7. Be clear about what you want. For example, word length, audience, main emphasis, due date, tone, even how they format the article before sending it to you. This might chafe some writers, but it is better to have these things clear and avoid wasting the writer's time and then having to waste more time afterwards with major rewriting or worse. For this reason with Japan Harvest magazine, I ask for proposals before people write, so I have a chance to direct them in their writing before they've invested valuable time into writing.
8. Keep your readers in the forefront of your mind. Your goal is to help the writer communicate clearly with them.
9. Make sure you check your changes with the writer before you publish.
10. And again: be professional. That means be respectful, don't take things personally, do what you say you will do, and don't be unreasonable.

As a Christian I do my best to build a gracious relationship with writers. After all, as a Christian I am called to have a character full of these: "But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control" (Gal. 5:22–23 NIVUK).

Top books I read in 2021

I mentioned last week in my blog post that I'd passed 100 books read during the year. A friend asked me for my top reads. This is really hard for me to judge, but I'll see if I can pull some out. As I said to her, much of my reading is for relaxation and I relax best with fiction, especially mystery/thriller/crime, but that isn't all I've read. I periodically have a work-related book that I read during some of my lunchtimes (given that I work from home and usually eat lunch on my own).

I keep track of my reading using an app called Goodreads.com, it's really helpful when you read a lot and don't like to re-read books, to have a record of what you've read so you don't accidentally pick up a book twice. It also makes it easier to find new books to read—you can easily look up authors, series, etc. When I've finished a book, I give it a star rating out of five. I've also created a "didn't finish" shelf in Goodreads, this year. Some of the books on that shelf I ditched after reading as many as 100 pages! All the books mentioned below I gave a five out of five rating. Most of these books I read on my Kindle and from a library. My reading is thus limited by what ebooks the library holds.

Here's a sample of the best of what I saw. I'll readily admit I am picky (I am an editor after all)—I discarded nearly two dozen books that I started. Part of that is because the elibrary app that I use unfortunately doesn't allow you to read sample portions of a book. Sometimes the author just couldn't make me care about the character or the plot, at other times they were poorly written, or a different genre than I was interested in.

Some of the books I've read that I gave a five star
rating to.

Fiction

I tend to read "by author" or "by series". So here are some authors I've enjoyed this year (though not all all books by all these authors, some found their way into my "books I didn't finish" list). Many of these are in my favourite genre:

J. A Jance. Joanna Brady series. I read up to #17 of this series. About half of that was 2021. This is about a sheriff who has real-life problems that make her very relatable. It's been great to read, not just about the murders and other mysteries she solves, but how she deals with the challenges in her daily life. Her J.P Beaumont series is also enjoyable.

Dee Henderson. At times this year I've felt delicate and exhausted emotionally. Dee Henderson writes about characters that make you feel safe. It's also been a year I've struggled with being isolated from others. Henderson's stories somehow helped to relieve some of that. I reread the O'Malley series as well as others including Full Disclosure, Traces of Guilt, and Undetected.

Lee Child. One of my sons like to talk about Jack Reacher, the main character in many of Child's books. I can't take too many of them in a short period, but they are a good, action-packed read.

Sue Grafton, the Kinsey Millhone series. I'd read more of these if they were in my elibrary. Alas I'm still waiting.

Fiona McIntosh. I've enjoyed a couple of her books, eg. Bye Bye Baby and Beautiful Death, both part of the Jack Hawksworth series. Many of her books are too romantic for me, though. I don't mind a little bit of realistic romance, but not as the main plot.

Christine Dillon and her Grace series. #6 is coming out this month, and I'm looking forward to it.

A couple of Australian authors I've enjoyed discovering: Sarah Bailey and Jane Harper.

Other authors I enjoyed: David Baldacci, James Patterson, Michael Connelly, Jonathan Kellerman, Jeffery Deaver, Mary Higgins Clark, and Elizabeth Breck.

A Most Clever Girl by Stephanie Thornton is a fictionalised story about a famous American spy during WW2.

Non-fiction

Anne Bogel, Don't Overthink it: Make Easier Decisions, Stop Second-Guessing, and Bring More Joy to Your Life. This easy-to-read book gave me plenty of food for thought.

Khaled Hosseini, A Thousand Splendid Suns. Splendid book that shows the plight of Afghani women. Author of The Kite Runner. [This actually qualifies as creative non-fiction, the characters and situations are fiction, but it's all based on what real like is like in Afghanistan.]

Melissa Fleming, A Hope More Powerful Than the Sea: One Refugee's Incredible Story of Love, Loss, and Survival. Wonderful true story that, like the one above, opens one's eyes to the issues that face refugees.

Carol Fisher Salter, The Subversive Copy Editor. Obviously related to my work, but I think that I'll get around to writing a whole blog post on it, because she has a lot of good advice for people who don't even think of themselves as editors.

Roger Lowther, Aroma of Beauty. A short book about the 2011 disaster in Japan. Moving and profound.

I hope that these are helpful thoughts for someone out there!

Overthinking—more common than I thought

This is a review of a book I read last weekend. Yes, it's so well written that I managed to read it in just three days (granted my weekend was very quiet, being as we're not going out for anything beyond essentials).

I have caught myself recently dithering over purchases for several months (or years). I didn't categorise myself as an overthinker, but perhaps I am a little, especially about financial decisions, but through reading the book I realised I tend to overthink conversations, conflict, and other things too.

I felt like, at the start, the author was trying too hard and over-wrote the first few chapters. She spends a lot of time convincing the reader that you could change. However, once I got past that bit, it was a fantastic read, one that I got through very quickly.

Here are (quite a few) gems:

• "Mental energy is not a limitless resource. We have only so much to spend each day, and how we choose to spend it matters." Overthinking is basically frittering away mental energy, that's not something I want my life characterised by.
• Overthinking includes inefficiencies, like poor organisation (e.g. losing car keys because you don't put them in the same place every time).
• We can develop processes that help us circumvent overthinking, e.g. not checking email when you don't have the time to reply (e.g. before bed).
• Putting decisions off for later isn't always the best thing to do.
• Doing too much research or looking at too many options isn't necessarily helpful, limiting your choices can be a huge time and mental energy saver.
• Rejecting perfectionism: putting a cap on how much time you spend on something making it as good as you can, then acting.
• Adapting a "try it and see what happens" approach can help.
• Our values can drive our decisions. (See more about this lower down in this post)
• I love this quote: "Being a responsible adult is the most underrated form of self-care. Yes I mean: live within your means, make dentist appointments, save money, plan meals, wash your face before bed, go for walks, cook for people, keep your house clean, go to bed at a decent hour, all that boring stuff. Routines make everything in your life better and this is absolutely the most overlooked and underestimated form of self-care"—Sarah Bessey, as quoted in the book.
• "Clutter isn't great for mental function. . . By streamlining your spaces you can streamline your thought process, and your brain won't have to work so hard to tend to life's details."
• Don't duplicate the work: this is where our camping list works brilliantly. We don't overthink preparing to camp because I know that if we get everything on the list, we'll be prepared for most things.
• Take breaks and look after yourself: sometimes overthinking creeps in because we're overtired.
• Sometimes we dither because we have to decide between two good choices, or between two bad choices. If that is the case it's best to just get on and choose one.
• Notice when you're stuck in a negative cycle. Breaking that can be as simple as noticing things to be grateful for or distracting yourself.
• Outsourcing is another strategy that helps. There are times when it is worth doing it yourself (especially if it lines up with your values), but other times it is far better to ask someone else to do something.
• Don't think too long about splurging on an experience that you think will be good. Memories are invaluable.
• Small treats to myself are okay and don't need to be overthought.

I liked it that she talked about life as a writer. I am a non-fiction editor and writer. That means that reading non-fiction tends not to help me feel refreshed—it's what I read for work. I also related to her work-cycle that has period of both "leisurely seasons of creative planning and preparation [which] alternate with busier seasons of execution." During the latter periods, it's okay to brush off decisions that fit more naturally into the creative planning and preparation periods.

Our values can drive our decisions

I realised that we do do this, and that is why we sometimes feel so different to many people we meet. But identifying your values makes a big difference to the decisions you make. For example, the decision about when we will come back to Australia for our next home assignment is informed by many factors, especially at the moment the education and well-being of our three sons has a big part to play in our decision on that matter.

Rituals

The author defines rituals in an interesting fashion, distinguishing them from routines by noting that rituals have a higher purpose in mind. Simply changing the name of something can give it deeper meaning. I realised that I've got more rituals in my life than I realised, and that they are helpful in keeping me afloat! Yes, even camping has become something of a ritual: it has a rhythm and routine to it, but there is a deeper meaning that makes its total value more than just us sleeping in tents and cooking outdoors.

Read it

Wow, that's a lot. I really do recommend reading the book, I hope I haven't put too many spoilers in. I got a lot more out of it than I expected and often thought of close friends who could also benefit from it.

Walking alongside older teens and young adult children

We're walking through that part of parenthood that is not often talked about among parents: parenting older teens and young adults. Well people do talk about it, but not deeply. We talk about what they're doing: "My son is in second year uni." or "He's applied to study XYZ" or "She's doing an apprenticeship." or "She's taking a gap year." But not much deeper than that. And generally the parents who have young adults who are struggling, don't talk about it at all (except to those very close to them). 

I have to say it's very challenging to watch our boys as they make their way through this period. A very different stage of parenting indeed.

I'm not saying that any of this is easy! And some
days it helps to wear this t-shirt a close friend
 gave me: "It is well with my soul."

I was greatly encouraged by a book recently about genius called Spark: How Genius Ignites, From Child Prodigies to late Bloomers. I didn't pick it up with the intention of seeking encouragement, but it was much more grounded than you might expect. It looked at the stories of thirteen people who have had significant success in their field: including art, literature, science, and business. But more than that, it looked at the combination of factors that helped these people find their niche and thrive (and yes, luck was one). One interesting feature was that the author specifically sought out people who began to thrive at different ages, from child prodigies to late bloomers.

One of those featured was Eleanor Roosevelt. The author quotes her as saying:

We are constantly advancing, like explorers, into the unknown, which makes life an adventure all the way. How interminable and dull that journey would be if it were on a straight road over a flat plain, if we could see ahead the whole distance, without surprises, without the salt of the unexpected, without challenge. I wish with all my heart that every child could be so imbued with a sense of the adventure of life that each change, each readjustment, each surprise—good or bad—that came along would be welcomed as a part of the whole enthralling experience.

Eleanor had an extraordinary career as a social activist, advocate, and diplomat. But she really didn't start to thrive until her middle age. I was most encouraged by the stories of those who took some time to find their way—it gives me hope about my own boys. You invest so much energy into them, you really want them to thrive as they move into adulthood.

So where does this leave me, as I walk alongside my young men (close-by and at a distance)? It gives me hope. Hope that they will one day find their place in the world, that they will find they are able to live meaningful lives that contribute to those around them, however that looks.

In the meantime I think I need to walk gently, not pushing and shoving, or meddling unduly in their affairs. I need to keep the communication lines open, which often means not talking about certain things. I need to hold back on giving unwanted advice, but be ready to give advice if asked. I need to allow them the freedom to make bigger mistakes than I might have when they were younger. I need to continue to do my best to make decisions that are moving them towards independence, whatever that looks like for each child. And believe me, it looks very different for each of my three!

We're missing our eldest son in Australia. It's been nearly two years since I've been able to hug him or give him a back rub (he planned to visit us last Christmas, but the pandemic has made travel in and out of Australia difficult and very expensive).

One thing we're really enjoying at the moment is a weekly family video call with him. Sometimes that just involves him, David, and me; but more often than not one or both of his brothers also join in. It's been a big step forward in keeping communication lines open with our guys. This month we've discovered a website that allows us to play boardgames. So far we've played games that I know, so I've been able to join in. It's a brilliant way to connect with our sons. I've learned that while most women are happy to sit down and just talk, men usually aren't wired that way. So, being able to do something like a board game together really helps. 

If you're wondering, it's boardgamearena.com that we've been using. To initiate games with people you know, you need to pay a small subscription fee.