End of the teenage era!

This week marks the end of an era. Nearly 13 years ago our eldest son became a teenager and this week his youngest brother turned 20, though it's been more than a year since he moved out, it's still worth acknowledging that our family has reached a new stage with no teenagers in our midst anymore. One of the fun things about a long-distance blog like mine is looking back at the past (I guess the same would be true if you were a consistent journaller).

One of the nearly 20 birthday
cakes I made for our
teenagers over the years.

Below is a short collection of some of the better things I've shared about parenting teenagers in the last 13 years.

I started blogging before I hit the teen years as a parent, so I recorded the start (in 2012!) here: https://mmuser.blogspot.com/2012/05/mother-of-teenager-not-i-not-yet.html

At that time I wrote:

I don't know what is ahead, but the last 13 years of parenting haven't been a breeze. I doubt that the next seven are going to be either. I guess the only way forward is how I've made it through the last 13 years — by God's grace and with lots of prayer.

I clearly wasn't thinking that it would be 13 more years until this phase of parenting would be put to bed, however my proposed way forward was solid.

By the time my first son hit teenage years, I'd given up on parenting books. However, in 2015, I did find one that was helpful. It majored on "grace" rather than "this is how you must do it or else": https://mmuser.blogspot.com/2015/10/broken-parents.html 

Here's one quote:

Parenting, like all tasks under the sun, is intended as an endeavor of love, risk, perseverance, and above all, faith. It is faith rather than formula, grace rather than guarantees, steadfastness rather than success that bridges the gap between our own parenting efforts, and what, by God's grace, our children grow up to become. 

(This actually comes from Leslie Leyland Fields, , "The Myth of the Perfect Parent," Christianity Today, January 2010, 27.)

February 2016 was a very difficult month (my father-in-law was dying in hospital). During that time I came across a very encouraging post: The value of a mother: https://mmuser.blogspot.com/2016/02/the-value-of-mother.html 

As I’ve said before and will repeat until I die, no matter your role or stage of life, when you wonder about your value you need to look to only one place: the cross. At the cross the creator of this universe sacrificed His only Son because He values you. Your value comes not from what you do, but who you ARE in Him because of what He already did. He also highly values your role as a mother.

In 2018 we had three teenagers, though one had left home earlier that year. I wrote a short blog post with some crumbs of advice:  https://mmuser.blogspot.com/2018/11/teenage-parenting-crumbs.html

1. Pick your battles very carefully (not meaning that you don't set expectations).

2. Find what they're interested in, and invest in that to build a bridge.

In May 2019 I wrote about negotiating new family household jobs: https://mmuser.blogspot.com/2019/05/negotiating-with-my-teen.html

And here are two final pieces of advice (from here) Ups and downs of parenting teens:

3. Teenagers grow up, this is just a stage. It's a long stage, but seeing them come out at the other end with all sorts of amazing skills is even more gratifying than watching your kids learn to walk!

4. Find someone safe who you can talk to about your parenting struggles. It is a hard, long slog. A very long marathon, if you like, not a sprint. And it's not a good idea to slog it out on your own without support.

I have long said I will never write a book about parenting, however I have written about my own journey quite a bit on this blog. Every family is different, has different challenges and different strengths. Every child and every parent is unique. I don't write here about my experiences to make you envious or to feel guilty. My intention is to walk alongside you in the trenches by showing you a little of my "on the edge of ordinary" life.

How did you even get into wrestling to begin with, and other questions

Last week I wrote that hoped this week would be better, especially that I could get some traction on my work. I'm pleased to say that that has indeed been the case. I'm on my fourth straight day without any meetings or other external distractions and I'm also in good health, which is a great help.

There's no avoiding it: this is going to be a "wrestling" post. But if you keep reading, you'll find out why we're so interested in wrestling and how we got into the sport initially. If you were following my blog back in 2015–2017 you would have seen a lot of these during this time of year. Feb 2017 was really a pinnacle as we watched our eldest son go undefeated in his senior year. There has been less wrestling for our family since then, for various reasons, including a pandemic, but we're now coming to the pinnacle of our youngest son's high school wrestling career.

Current events

Saturday was a huge day, as predicted, but a good one. We got up at 4 a.m., and I joined my husband as he drove the team two hours to Yokosuka, the US Naval Base south of Yokohama. We got on base very smoothly (not to be taken for granted; it's kinda like entering another country via immigration, except there are more guns and rules about what you can do on the "inside"). It was too cold to linger outside, so we entered the gym and sat in there for 11 hours, with teams from 11 other schools. The actual tournament went for about nine of those . . . continuously! It's an acquired taste. It says something about us that we weren't bored! Although I did try to lie down for a while on the hard bleachers, it didn't last long when one of our team was called up to wrestle and how could you not watch and shout encouragement?

Our son didn't meet his first opponent until around noon, so there was a lot of nervous tension up till then (at least he and I had nervous tension). And, to be honest, that tension continued much of the day as he had not previously wrestled any of his three opponents, so it was a bit hard to know how hard they'd be. Great result in the end, though—he came through undefeated and won gold. We were elated, but pretty bleary by then. The adrenaline (and dinner) helped us get through the last couple of hours on the road to get home.

Thankfully last Sunday was a quiet day and by the time Monday came around I was almost good to go! And now it's Friday again. This weekend looks different: tomorrow, for the first time in three weeks we don't have to put an alarm on, as there's nowhere to go. 

This Sunday, however, we'll leave from school around noon with the wrestling team and our bags. We're going to the "big" three-day tournament called "Far East Wrestling Tournament", the final tournament of the season. It includes US military schools from the whole region (just Japan and Korea from what I can tell), as well as the three international schools from Tokyo with wrestling programs (us!). That's around 15 schools and probably over 150 wrestlers. When our eldest was a Senior we also went to this tournament, except it was a bit more complicated, as it was a couple of hours south of Seoul in Korea!

David and I are only going to the first two days. But we'll stay the two nights locally in a hotel, which will save a lot of driving and time, and hopefully help us cope with the nine-hour days in the gym. But it will be so good to be there cheering our team on, especially spending time focusing on our youngest son, who has more often than not just had to tag along as we did things with his eldest brother. He'd been dragged along to wrestling meets for several years before he ever got to officially do it himself. It's great to have the flexibility to invest some time in his life alone this season.

Why have you gotten so involved in wrestling?

I did have to admit to a small group of missionaries that I met on Monday that "we're a bit nutty". It truly is still a bit hard to explain our passion for wrestling, although it's probably better framed as "we're passionate about supporting our boys in their sporting choices". That generally makes more sense to people. It's not easy as parents to forge relationships with teenage boys, and we've been very thankful that wrestling has been one way to connect with two of them. We've spent so many hours attending meets, but even more talking about it!

Wrestling is also something of a family sport. It's reasonably common to see multiple wrestlers in the same family (parent and child, and siblings). One family from another school who we've met many times over the years has four children; all of them have wrestled at school! It makes it easier if everyone is doing the same sport, that's for sure! But it's also true that kids are different and not all enjoy it. That's been true in our family. Our middle son had a couple of goes at the sport, but for a few reasons really couldn't commit to it.

How did you get into wrestling to start with? (something Australians particularly ponder)

An Australian friend asked us this last month. The story is pretty simple, really. At our school there are only two inter-school sports for middle and high school boys in the winter season: basketball and wrestling. Our eldest son tried basketball in his first year of middle school and he didn't particularly enjoy it. During PE that year one of the teachers did a single period introducing the 6th graders to wrestling and in that short time caught our son's attention. 

He took up wrestling in 7th grade and was hooked by the end of that season. He's not strayed far from wrestling ever since. In fact he's still wrestling at 23. He's part of a private wrestling club near where he lives and has twice competed in the Australian Nationals as an adult. Last year he won silver (which I always have to temper with the understanding that this is an extremely minor sport in Australia, until we introduced him to this club in Brisbane, we knew no one involved in the sport in our home country).

Is it right to feel proud about sporting success?

This is a question our eldest asked on Wednesday when someone he doesn't know mentioned his achievement as a senior. We were watching our school duel with another school on their live feed and there were two commentators hosting the event. We're pretty sure that the guy who mentioned our son was a wrestler when our son won Far East in 2017.

I'd been pondering that question too as I posted videos and photos from Saturday on my social media and received lots of congratulations and "likes". It's pretty clear to me, though, that there are a lot of factors that go into a sporting success like our son had on the weekend. So many things we have no control over: 

• They are actually holding tournaments again. If he'd been a senior in 2021 or 2022, he never would have had this chance! 
• Physical and mental health are things that we have a little bit of control over, but not as much as we'd like to think, mostly it's a gift. You may not realise it, but it takes a lot of mental strength to persevere at wrestling, and even more to succeed. It takes years to learn and when you're out on the mat, there's nowhere to hide.
• We've learned the hard way that the US Department of Defense requires very little to cancel sporting events. More than once in our 12 years of involvement in wrestling, a forecast of snow has shut whole bases down and cancelled tournaments. 
• Our guys are natural athletes. There's no mistaking that they've worked very hard (our youngest's muscle definition is something to behold!), but they also have a certain level of gifting for the sport of wrestling, that's not something they've achieved on their own, though they've certainly capitalised on it. 
• We've also had the opportunity to send our boys to a school where there's good opportunities for sport, that is definitely not a given when you are a missionary.

So yes, I'm proud and very happy that my son has put a lot of effort into this sport and is seeing some nice rewards just now. But there's also a lot there that there's no reason to be proud of, just thankful.

Flashbacks

I've been writing about wrestling as long as we've been involved in the sport. In 2014, when our eldest was a 9th grader, I wrote this in a blog post:

So, I remain an enthusiastic supporter.  Good thing too, because despite this season being nearly over (one more tournament for our son), it looks like we're in this for the duration. Our youngest wants to join the team as soon as he can, which could mean I'll be watching wrestling live for the next 10 years!

Yep, that has happened! Though this is our last year as parents, and therefore the deep, gut-wrenching involvement that means you commit to spending 15-hour days doing this are nearly over. 

 Here's something else I wrote about the sport in that blog post that you might not realise: 

For a combat-type sport, it really is interesting to behold how non-aggressive it is. Even while wrestling, there generally isn't nastiness, the best wrestlers are well controlled in their actions. They really approach it in a "gentlemanly" type way, with handshakes all round and even the occasional hug between wrestlers. Sometimes the coaches shout in protest about a call the ref made, but generally it isn't too major. And there's generally no nastiness (at least that I've heard) from the supporters in the stands.

If you've gotten this far you might be interested in reading one more thing. At the end of our eldest son's high school wrestling career, I wrote a blog post reflecting on wrestling and the season that had just past: https://mmuser.blogspot.com/2017/02/reflections-on-wrestling-this-season.html

Walking alongside older teens and young adult children

We're walking through that part of parenthood that is not often talked about among parents: parenting older teens and young adults. Well people do talk about it, but not deeply. We talk about what they're doing: "My son is in second year uni." or "He's applied to study XYZ" or "She's doing an apprenticeship." or "She's taking a gap year." But not much deeper than that. And generally the parents who have young adults who are struggling, don't talk about it at all (except to those very close to them). 

I have to say it's very challenging to watch our boys as they make their way through this period. A very different stage of parenting indeed.

I'm not saying that any of this is easy! And some
days it helps to wear this t-shirt a close friend
 gave me: "It is well with my soul."

I was greatly encouraged by a book recently about genius called Spark: How Genius Ignites, From Child Prodigies to late Bloomers. I didn't pick it up with the intention of seeking encouragement, but it was much more grounded than you might expect. It looked at the stories of thirteen people who have had significant success in their field: including art, literature, science, and business. But more than that, it looked at the combination of factors that helped these people find their niche and thrive (and yes, luck was one). One interesting feature was that the author specifically sought out people who began to thrive at different ages, from child prodigies to late bloomers.

One of those featured was Eleanor Roosevelt. The author quotes her as saying:

We are constantly advancing, like explorers, into the unknown, which makes life an adventure all the way. How interminable and dull that journey would be if it were on a straight road over a flat plain, if we could see ahead the whole distance, without surprises, without the salt of the unexpected, without challenge. I wish with all my heart that every child could be so imbued with a sense of the adventure of life that each change, each readjustment, each surprise—good or bad—that came along would be welcomed as a part of the whole enthralling experience.

Eleanor had an extraordinary career as a social activist, advocate, and diplomat. But she really didn't start to thrive until her middle age. I was most encouraged by the stories of those who took some time to find their way—it gives me hope about my own boys. You invest so much energy into them, you really want them to thrive as they move into adulthood.

So where does this leave me, as I walk alongside my young men (close-by and at a distance)? It gives me hope. Hope that they will one day find their place in the world, that they will find they are able to live meaningful lives that contribute to those around them, however that looks.

In the meantime I think I need to walk gently, not pushing and shoving, or meddling unduly in their affairs. I need to keep the communication lines open, which often means not talking about certain things. I need to hold back on giving unwanted advice, but be ready to give advice if asked. I need to allow them the freedom to make bigger mistakes than I might have when they were younger. I need to continue to do my best to make decisions that are moving them towards independence, whatever that looks like for each child. And believe me, it looks very different for each of my three!

We're missing our eldest son in Australia. It's been nearly two years since I've been able to hug him or give him a back rub (he planned to visit us last Christmas, but the pandemic has made travel in and out of Australia difficult and very expensive).

One thing we're really enjoying at the moment is a weekly family video call with him. Sometimes that just involves him, David, and me; but more often than not one or both of his brothers also join in. It's been a big step forward in keeping communication lines open with our guys. This month we've discovered a website that allows us to play boardgames. So far we've played games that I know, so I've been able to join in. It's a brilliant way to connect with our sons. I've learned that while most women are happy to sit down and just talk, men usually aren't wired that way. So, being able to do something like a board game together really helps. 

If you're wondering, it's boardgamearena.com that we've been using. To initiate games with people you know, you need to pay a small subscription fee.

It's hard to reflect when you're in the middle of it

A fellow writer said to me recently that she wants to write about the current situation, but is reluctant for a few reasons.

There is a sense that we're living through history that needs to be recorded, but also that in some ways we need to live through it before we can write reflectively about it. There are also a lot of sensitive toes that are easy to step on at the moment, probably a lot more than usual. Additionally there are so many threads running through this current season that it's hard to know even where to start to write much (though much is being written). Hence I didn't get to writing here last week, though I have been adding to a list of ideas to write about.

Despite the strangeness and difficulties, though, our weeks are running past relatively quickly and I've been busy enough to find that I'm tired each evening and certainly by the weekend. Indeed, I don't think I'm alone in finding these weeks and months tiring. There's been so much to adjust to and much to ponder. Just like when we first moved to Japan. Culture shock. New rules. Worries. Grief. It's not always easy to find ways to look after myself. Sharing so much of my day with two teenage boys isn't always fun. I'm glad I've got books to retreat to (I'm soooo thankful for the Kindle Fire I got for Christmas—who knew that would be so timely—and the library in Australia I get to borrow ebooks from).

This was one of the batches of biscuits that I made
for my friends. Australian and Lego biscuit cutters
made it extra fun to give them away to a
non-Australian family.

Over the weekend I indulged in baking, which is probably why I didn't find time to write on my blog, as I'd hoped to. As I wrote in this post late last year, baking is one of my loves. It's something that rejuvenates my soul. I've been doing a lot lately, as many people have. This weekend past I was blessed to have the time and resources to bake for others. I rarely have the time to do that in May, so this was indeed an opportunity. I was able to provide some home-cooked goodies to two families we are friends with. I'm please to say I've got enough flour to continue baking this coming weekend (are Japanese people baking more?). There's a Chocolate Zucchini cake I'm dying to try out again, as well as the ongoing search for the best brownie recipe.

Our weekends have been quiet these last couple of months. Actually quite pleasant, until you realise we've got very few events to look forward to. It's easier if I just focus on today, or even, this week, than try to think too far ahead. One way I make it through difficult seasons is to have what a certain psychologist calls "Lily Pads"—things to look forward to. Part of the challenge of this time is that so many of our lily pads have been shot out of the water. And the related challenge is that we don't know when we can start making plans again. It was fun this morning over breakfast to talk about hopes we have for 2024 (during our next home assignment)! Only God knows if they will come to fruition, but it was fun (and probably quite healthy) to dream about it.

On Saturday I actually hit a wobbly spot in the middle of baking when I realised that we were heading into "Farewell" season (here's one of my posts about this season in 2016). It is a difficult season any year, but this year it's going to be worse because much of it will not be done in person. One of my closer friends is leaving Japan next month and not coming back in the near future.

I've been writing this blog post for a few days now and it's time to wrap it up while I'm feeling able to. Last night I only got about 5 ½ hrs broken sleep and I suspect that might hit hard later today or tomorrow. 

Our 11th grade son had a calculus exam in our dining room at 3 am! It's another flow-on effect from COVID-19. Many American and American-flavoured international schools offer college-level subjects called AP. These subjects cost extra and have a single external exam. Doing well on them gives you college credit at American institutions and, I presume, bragging rights on their applications; but merely helps with increasing your tertiary admission rank (and also can function as prerequisite subjects for some courses) for Australian students. Usually these exams take place in very controlled environments, but they have been modified this year and take place in student's homes at a single time across the world. Of course in an American-centric way, so that all students in this part of the world are faced with doing it in the early hours of the morning. No idea how they stop kids cheating, but that's not my problem. Anyway, though I wasn't downstairs with my son, I couldn't sleep (something about a mother's heart).

I generally don't do well with sleep deprivation, but I think that I've been getting more sleep than usual lately (no long Saturdays at Track meets and getting up a little later because my husband doesn't have to be at school by 8am). So I'm not feeling too bad so far. We've got one more exam on Friday, but it's 5 am, not 3 am. And I write "We" deliberately, because this is bigger than just something our son is doing, with ¾ of the household losing sleep last night!

But back to the idea that reflecting on what's going on right now is hard, not the least because there is a lot of fluctuation intermingled with a lot of same-ness. But I'm reminded of a book I re-read recently: My Seventh Monsoon by Naomi Reed. She writes about different seasons in her life up till that point, but then when she got to where she was when she was writing she said, "It can indeed be a joy to look back and see the way God works through seasons . . . The much harder task is to live within the season 'right now.'" 

A couple of pages later she wrote:

"The stories from this new season are worming their way out, wanting to be told . . . waiting to be told. But it's me. I'm not ready to tell them yet. . . I can't tell the stories until the season is done. Why can't I? I think it's because I don't know how it will end up. I don't know how long it will go on for. I do't know what I will make of it at the end. Or what I will have learnt. Or how I will have emerged. Without the perspective of time, it's very difficult to know. it's very difficult to live in the season right now. . .  

Right in the middle of a season, we just don't know. We can't neatly define, we can't neatly wrap up, and we can't neatly expound. All we can do is live. And in the living, we grow and we learn, we enjoy and we cry, we struggle and we rejoice. We do it right now, without knowing what's around the corner . . .without knowing what will come out of it." (Chapter 16).

I think that summarizes how I feel. All I can do is live right now, and in the living will grow and cry, and struggle, and rejoice.

Thoughts from Tokyo

So, things are a-changing. And rather rapidly. We've been watching this Corona virus for weeks now. Our mission has been sending us updates since January (our mission works in many Asian countries, so makes sense). We've seen colleagues in other countries have schools shut down, have borders closed, and other measures. Now it's happening in our backyard.

Meanwhile, Spring is on its way in!

Japan's Prime Minister made a surprise announcement yesterday, recommending that schools shut down until the end of the school year in a couple of weeks.

Of course, that's a red flag to society: if the top political leader thinks schools should be shut, then things seem very serious. So lots of other things are shutting or being cancelled too. And people are stocking up in the shops. 

I usually shop on Fridays, and today sought out the toilet-paper aisle to test my theory: that toilet paper is the litmus test in Japan for "panic buying". People in Australia might stock up on bread and milk but in Japan it's toilet paper! We saw the same in 2011. I learnt from that time, though, and keep a stock of the stuff in our house. I also learnt from previous flu epidemics here to keep a stock of masks in our house. I've also got other staple supplies—we live in the land of earthquakes, it makes sense to be prepared!

Comparison with March 2011

Which brings me to what my brain was doing at 5am this morning: comparing this event with the aftermath of the triple disaster in March 2011.

This event brings that experience to mind, not just because of the shopping and school shutting—yes, our school is shutting. We're looking down the barrel of three weeks of distance education. I know the teachers will try hard . . . but I'm not so sure about the students. I'm prepared to be surprised. Thankfully they've had today to lay out their expectations for the students. I've just received an email suggesting students start work at 8.30, not sleep in. That's helpful!

But 2011 comes to mind for deeper reasons. I think it's the fear. The disaster, if you don't recall, went like this: earthquake which caused several giant tsunamis that inundated a nuclear power plant north of Tokyo. There was a lot of fear at that time. Lots of people struggled with overwhelming anxiety and stress. Lots of foreigners evacuated Japan. It got to be that every time I looked at social media or checked email, another of our friends or colleagues had left (and the kicker was—without saying goodbye).

So instantly we see how this virus situation is very different, but also similar. There has been warning—today they've had time at school to prepare—and evacuation isn't a great option at this point. We aren't getting constant aftershocks that disturb our sleep and rock our emotions. We aren't wondering if there's going to be another one soon. We aren't labouring under the realisation that many thousands have already lost their lives suddenly.

However, the fear is there and the misinformation (or merely exaggeration) is being freely shared. 

This is what I created yesterday to go with the basic update
on OMF Japan's social media

Another similar factor is that it can be stressful to talk to other people. Everyone, I've discovered, has a different threshold in this sort of situation. Some immediately go into "panic" mode, others are more laid back; some research every morsel they can find, some like to speculate about what the politicians aren't telling us. In some ways it's easier just to stay at home and stay off social media.

But I'm a social media manager, so the latter is hard! Yesterday I had to do what I've been avoiding, and face this straight on, researching facts and putting together an update post for our mission. It didn't come out as scary as I thought it would (although the conspiracy theorists will be quick to tell me that we aren't being told everything).

How I'm doing

I've found it hard to concentrate today, that's another common feature with 2011. With such turmoil, it is hard to focus, and focus is what I need to do to keep up with the deadlines that keep marching across my desk. That's going to be challenging in the coming weeks too with the rest of my family at home, in "my" office.

I also must say that I'm relieved that, at this point, the two big events next week that I've been looking forward to are still going ahead: a two-day women's retreat and a writer's retreat next weekend. The latter I've put quite a bit of work into organising and it made me feel very uncomfortable earlier this week to consider that that might not be possible.

It was also reassuring to go out this morning and do a simple thing like get a hair cut. That simple act, seeing real people doing ordinary things, was very grounding and encouraging. 

But ultimately I need to ground myself in the eternal reality. That our times are in God's hands. That he is not surprised by anything that's going on here. And that ultimately, whatever changes come our way, he never changes.

5 

5 Yes, my soul, find rest in God;

    my hope comes from him.

6 Truly he is my rock and my salvation;

    he is my fortress, I will not be shaken.

7 My salvation and my honor depend on God[c];

    he is my mighty rock, my refuge.

8 Trust in him at all times, you people;

    pour out your hearts to him,

    for God is our refuge. (Psalm 62 NIV)

Fighting frustration

I'm trying to sort through what's going on in my head. Most days this week I've felt lethargic and unmotivated. I'm not sure if that's been my body fighting a bug off, or if it's emotional. Possibly both. But I've been trying to write this blog post for days, and I'm not getting much clarity. If anything, I'm more frustrated today than when I began.

Earlier this week we had student-led conferences. I presume other schools have things like this, but I'd never heard of it before I came here. It is a time at the start of second semester, where they get the students to look at how first semester went and make goals for second semester. The goals can be anything from academic to more general self-care (like exercise and sleep). Then the parents are called in to hear what the students have to say (with no teacher intervention). I find it's even more frustrating than being asked to set my own goals. At least then I have some control over whether I work to meet those or not. Alas, looking at your teenager make goals is a very different affair. First it raises your hopes, then, if they don't make an effort towards that goal, your hopes are dashed. And you're left, not just wondering What's the point? but What role should I play here? How much should I get involved?

So, I'm frustrated. And not just in parenting, also with myself.

Some days I feel like I'm plodding along. Just putting one foot in front of the other, hoping I'll get something done, but also beating back the frustration at not being able to work faster or with more enthusiasm.

And then my ADHD tendencies pop up. There's so much that I want to do, yet there's seemingly not enough time, nor enough energy.

Looking up: that's what I need to do. But not at a light!

But that fire that wants to do too many things still burns quietly. This week:

I want to race through my work.
I want to read the riveting book I've just gotten into.
I want to play Scrabble (and watch crime shows, and generally hang-out) with my husband.
I want to sleep!
I want to have a deep, texting conversation with a friend.
I want to get more exercise.
I want to understand more Japanese.
I want to bone up on my understanding of writing and editing (I am in the middle of both a book and an online course).

[And that's just keeping it small. Never mind about the millions dying because they can't get access to clean water—I'm not being trite here, this fact was in my prayer material this morning and I just felt an overwhelming frustration at how little difference I can actually make in this world.]

These are all fine desires, but keeping them in balance is challenging and sometimes I find myself dashing from one thing to another, not really completing anything. Or even wasting time on things that are definitely optional and not on my list above.

It's an ongoing battle, one, I suspect, that I'm not going to win in this world. I will never get enough books read, spend enough time with loved ones, or have enough rest. I will never learn Japanese well enough to be satisfied, or be as fit or as thin as I could be.

However, in the midst of what's becoming a long missionary career, I'm learning (ever so slowly) to be content with plodding. To deliberately take regular breaks—big and small. In my job, that especially has come to mean communication breaks. It means that I rarely look at email after dinner and weekends are also mostly email-free. I've tried to increase that pace, on occasion, and it usually ends badly.

So I'm torn. I plod, yet parts of me want to soar. Why all the dissatisfaction? Is it just personality defects? Or is this a deeper spiritual problem? Or is it just a fact of life, living in a broken world as a broken person?

I'm not sure. I actually suspect it's a combination of all of that. God made me with a wide range of interests and a lively mind, so I tend to jump from thing to thing (makes for challenging conversation, sometimes). God made me with a caring heart and a sensitive soul that tax my limits to help others. But like most people, he's also given me various responsibilities, and physical limitations (the need to take time to rest and recuperate, plus a few more individual limits). I should be longing for heaven: where none of that will limit me.

Trying to conclude this blog post has drawn me back to the book Awe by Paul Tripp again. It's hard to find something succinct to quote here, but I'll take this portion from a chapter that starts by quoting the whole of Isaiah 40 (which is also worth a slow-read, for perspective adjustment):

So pray right now that God would grace you with the desire and strength to get yourself up out of that dark basement and into the comforting and encouraging light of his existence and glory, and believe that you can fly. Not because you understand, are appreciated, or are in control, but because God controls all things, because he is glorious, and because by grace he is all that he is for you. (p144)

Ups and downs of parenting teens

This is a flash back post. I wrote it two years ago but never published it, probably because it was a little too revealing about my guys at the time. With that much distance, though, I think it's okay (and I've edited it to make it even more anonymous, noting that at the time I had three boys under 19 in my house). 

_________________
[Written in 2017]
I've been known to grumble about my teenagers. I was known to grumble about my kids when they were younger too. But in August one of my boys had an exceptional day, and I wrote about it at the time. And yes, it was a pretty rare event. Actually on Sunday I was "writing" a blog post in my head about the horrible times I'd had recently, but when I sat down to write it I found it really hard going. Mostly because this is a public forum and, though I'm having a hard time of being his mum at times, I'm not about to take revenge on my boys by spewing their shortcomings out here.

Parenting teenagers can be super hard. I know that that is probably general knowledge, but the reality of it is harder emotionally than I ever imagined.  I hate conflict, and having one or more people in your home who are liable to blow up at you at any moment for something you may or may not have done, is horrible. It makes being at home with them sometimes very difficult to bear. They don't often drive me to tears, but they sometimes make a coffee shop seem even more attractive than usual.

In writing this post I do want to encourage you. Parents tend not to write about the challenges of parenting teens as much as they write about the challenges of younger children, and that can mean that parents who are having a tough time of it feel isolated. So when I tell you about the amazing day one of my teens had, it's not to make you feel horrible because your teenage son has never had a day like that. Read between the lines! I write about it, because it was such unusually congenial behaviour.

I saw the shock on a friend's face when she witnessed one of my sons in our home show his annoyance through his actions (and actually it was a very slight amount of annoyance that he displayed, nothing like we get when he has no witnesses). So I know that though it's known that teenagers can be horrible, most of their horribleness is saved for their parents (at least in this house) and is therefore unseen by most people.

Thinking back over the last couple of weeks, I can tell you that I've experienced things like,  "What, are you deaf!?!" shouted at me, when I asked the "wrong" question.

I wrote this last year:

I can't tell you the details of the bad or even much of the good because I respect the privacy of my boys. It is harder as they get older. Yesterday morning when I was feeling particularly exhausted by parenting, this article called "Help for parents who want to give up" that popped up in my newsfeed on Facebook, especially this:

There’s support groups for moms of preschoolers, but where’s triage for the moms of teenagers? The older our kids become, the greater our isolation can become, because while mothers can instagram and commiserate together over the Terrible Twos — but mothers struggling through a stretch of terrible teens can suffer alone.

Yesterday we saw good come out of the bad with one son whose earlier bad choices led to him making some better decisions that are hopefully a sign of better things to come. 

Parenting is such a long-term event. So much persistence, patience, and resilience is required. Oftentimes I feel like we take two steps forward and three backward. But periodically we are rewarded with gold. I got some rare compliments on my parenting yesterday from one of my boys. GOLD!

I wrote this in August of the year before (2015):

In recent months our family has seen more emotional ups and downs in a day (or hour), than we've ever had before. Some of it is the transition, but not all. There are hormones at work. It's hard! And that's saying it nicely. . . . 

Back to teens. I've seen other difficult teens grow up and become well balanced adults (just not experienced it as a parent). So I'm clinging to the hope that this present pain is but a passing stage.

Trying not to embarrass him, but I want to mention some unusual things that one of my boys has done today.

He looked bored this morning (happens when you are woken early and don't have plans for the day), but he didn't default to electronics. I suggested a bike ride . . . he went for a bike ride.

Then he defaulted to playing Minecraft for a couple of hours. After lunch he took the initiative to go out and buy school supplies, all on his own and without any prompting. He didn't default to watching videos online, as he so often has in the past.

I've had conversations with him!

Tonight he's cooked dinner for us (it's in the oven as I type, but I'm sure it's going to be superb), as we'd planned that he would. His attitude was positive, even when things looked a bit grim.

I wish every day were like this, but I know that realistically they won't be, at least not yet. Days like this give me hope, however. Hope that the boy I'm raising will one day be a useful member of society and will be able to interact with people and look after himself.

________

I can say in hindsight now that things have improved. Our eldest son has moved out and is, indeed, living a fairly independent life as a respectable university student (doing his last university exam for this academic year tonight). His brothers are still teens and we still have bad days, but I'm not sure that they are as frequent as they used to be. The truth is, teenagers do get through this stage. It is a stage, just like the "terrible twos" and "horrible threes" were. It takes a lot of patience and perseverance, just like the rest of the parenting years do. There is very little instant gratification in this job. But delayed gratification is much more satisfying. The joy I get in seeing these boys maturing is something that can easily bring tears to my eyes.

My advice to mums at this stage is to find someone safe who you can talk to about your parenting struggles. I sat with someone at CAJ's bazaar a few weeks ago and we shared our pain from recent years. We were safe people for one another at that moment and it was a very special connection. 
It's important to have people with whom you can say, "My teen said this to me the other day and it cut deep." 
And have them say back, "That happened to me the other week too, I really hate it when they treat me like that."

I also want to note that mental health is something we've struggled with on top of teenage behaviour and it can be difficult to discern whether some behaviour is just "horrible teen" behaviour, or whether it is something more. If you have concerns, I recommend that you talk to a professional about them.

Negotiating with my teen

Next week my oldest graduates from being a teenager! He no longer lives under my roof, but nonetheless I'll no longer be able to say that I'm the mother of three teenagers! It's interesting to look at the blog post I wrote the week he turned thirteen. I wrote: 

I don't know what is ahead, but the last 13 years of parenting haven't been a breeze. I doubt that the next seven are going to be either. I guess the only way forward is how I've made it through the last 13 years — by God's grace and with lots of prayer.

That was very much the case! 

So I'm seven years into being the mother of teens and I can't say it's gotten easier. Of course each child is different in the level of difficulties you face and the areas in which you face those difficulties. Additionally, our family looks different now than it did seven years ago. So the context within which we parent our younger two is different too. 

It's hard to give specifics to make this actually a readable post, without embarrassing boys. However I'm going to give it a go.

Negotiating about household jobs

Our boys have long been expected to do jobs around the house. We've had a long and steady routine of do-the-same-job for some time, due to some personalities in the house that don't like chopping and changing. They've done breakfast wash-ups in middle school (grades 6-8) and hung up washing to dry in high school (grades 9-12). Both jobs were done in the mornings and timeliness was important if they were to get themselves to school on time (remembering that they walk to school independently, but it's only a 300m walk). 

We've had difficulties with all of them at times, getting these jobs done, and had to implement consequences. But with one of the two still at home, we hit a brick wall recently. It was causing lots of stress, conflict, and generally making life together miserable.

In the end we decided something needed to change. I ammended a list of household jobs that I'd typed up a few years back and printed it out again. This is a list of jobs that regularly get done in our house to keep things running smoothly and people happy. I split the list into things that each family member does as well as listed the things that we are all responsible for (eg. getting enough sleep, personal hygiene, manage our personal items, strip beds and remake them). At the top of the list is this explanation:

Listed below are jobs done for the benefit of the whole family. Other jobs we do are self-care or care for our environment, these are the responsibility of each family member for themselves. The purpose of teaching you how to do these jobs is to help you learn how to take care of yourself and your living environment when you move out of home. Sharing these jobs also helps to share the load of caring for four people.

At an opportune moment I presented this 1.5 page list to the relevant boy and suggested that he pick some other jobs that would be equivalent in time to the job that he was struggling with.

Stacks of beautifully folded clothes!

He responded really well and chose four other jobs, the most significant of which is folding the washing. We're still on a learning curve with one of the jobs, but the others he's doing relatively independently and in a timely fashion. Result: stress levels aorund here have decreased. (We're still working on other areas like time management and homework...so our evenings are not without stress entirely!)

Seven years into this parenting-teens journey and I'm still learning that parenting teens requires more negotiating than with younger kids. They're trying to be more independent and that can be problematic for all involved. Some teens need more room to stretch than others. I need to note that this solution was not the first of the solutions that we negotiated with him, however it seems to be working better than previous ones.

I'm not a perfect parent by any stretch of the imagination. And they would be happy to share their thoughts on my parenting failures with you, if you asked them! But I merely share these thoughts as a fellow parent in the trenches.

A grumble and a joy

I'm frustrated and discouraged this afternoon. Being a mum is a hard slog. Being a mum of teenagers is not for the fainthearted. 

I've been trying to help one boy sort out what he's thinking, help him make a decision, but feel like I've failed this afternoon and now he's not talking to me at all. 

For several days another boy has been struggling with time management both before and after school, so I feel like each of the last few days have been on repeat: do the same stupid stuff and get the same bad result. But nothing I've done so far has made much difference, except resulted in conflict. So there hasn't been much joy with them.

I'm glad that I've got other stuff on my plate, so that I can feel like I'm competant at something! Mind you, they still like my cooking, so at least I can feel that I'm getting that right.


Sorry for downloading my complaints on you. 

I'll move on now!

This afternoon I ran into a Japanese colleague who welcomed me "home" with a hug. It was both unexpected and joyful. I do feel "home" and greetings like that only reinforce it.

Did you know that the place we've called home in Japan, Higashikurume city, is home to one of the top 100 views of Japan? I was there at a bad time of day this afternoon, with a little phone camera, but there are some spectacular views that can be seen from just outside our local train station, especially at sunset in winter.

Can you spy Mt Fuji at the end of this corridor of
 buildings in central Higashikurume?

Teenage parenting crumbs

I write to you from the depths of parenting teenage boys. I'm not here to complain, but rather offer some crumbs of encouragement to those of you who are, perhaps, approaching these years with trepidation.

Food's another point of mutual interest that works well
with boys. We've discovered that a trip to a cafe for
a hot chocolate treat is a fun family activity. Oh, and
now I've also got a boy who's interested, particularly,
in food presentation.

It is possible to maintain a relationship with them. At least in my experience, and while we've not got the worst of teenagers in our house, nor do we have the "dream team".

Two big keys for me are:
1. Pick your battles very carefully (not meaning that you don't set expectations).
2. Find what they're interested in, and invest in that to build a bridge.

Pick your battles
This means that we've chosen to ignore some things that others might frown upon. Or set our expectations at different levels to what you might expect.

An example is letting our boys play Pokemon Go. This has had several benefits for them personally that you might not expect, including increased interaction between our younger two, and greater willingness to go outside (a key part of the game and something that one of them was struggling with). 

Find out their interests and get involved
This has meant different things at different times. It's also been more or less difficult for me, depending on the interest of our kids. 

Wrestling is the obvious example with our eldest son. It took a lot of time, but ultimately was really good for our relationship with him as we could talk about what he was interested and spending time doing.

Our middle son's interests have been harder to discern, but movies is one of them. This has been hard for me, because most of the movies he enjoys, I don't naturally lean towards. Getting into Superheros and the Wizarding universe (aka Harry Potter) has been hard for me. It's also not been without conflict as I struggle to understand and they get annoyed when I asked ignorant and annoying questions in my quest (especially in the middle of the movie!). I've walked out of more than one movie (ones that we were viewing at home). But I'm starting to see positives as I gradually get up to speed. It's become a topic I can have something of a conversation about, and been positive for my relationship with my boys.


So there you go, my parenting crumbs for today. Honestly (not that I wasn't being honest before), there's some rough stuff going on for us at present (and not necessarily parenting-related), some of which I can probably tell you another day, others of which I need to keep close to my chest. Please pray for peace amidst some storms that have headed our way recently, and hang about—I'll share here as I can.

Weekend synopsis

I'm struggling to get time for this...the weekend was busy and I wanted to write a bit about it, but I've come back to the reality of several important things (including a magazine to finish) to do before we go away for holidays/visiting family.

So this will be a quick one. On Friday afternoon we drove just over an hour to a place we've been to many times before: Tamborine Mountain. It's a little plateau that Wikipedia tells me is eight kilometres long, five kilometres wide and 525 m high. Not really a mountain by the standards of most of the world, but we're talking Australia here, the flattest continent! 

It's a place that, for more than 60 years, has hosted Christian conferences and camps. Mount Tamborine Convention Centre is a familiar place to us, though we've rarely been there in the last 20 years when we were in our young adult years we often went to camps up there. The weekend was nostaligic in many ways, not only did the place bring back many memories, the event did too. In 1998 we attended a missions conference there, International Outlook, as newly weds. It was that weekend in March that we began the long journey to becoming missionaries with OMF, we started filling out application forms.

Over the weekend we also met a number of people who we have known for many years. The furthest back was a man I knew as a child, he left to go to uni when I was around 12, but I saw him one further time when I was around 19. It's been a long time! 

The property is beautiful and well cared for. Eucalyptus trees everywhere. When you've never left Australia you don't really notice them so much as we do. In Japan we rarely see these trees, but they are everywhere in Australia. I can't stop taking photos of them! The weather over the weekend was gorgeous too.

Times have changed in 20 years. A barista at a missions conference!

More packed bags and in the backgroudn is
an exhausted boy asleep (he arrived
back from a school camp just before we left
for the weekend)

It was different being there with teenagers. They would have preferred to stay home, though our youngest soon found a couple of other missionary teens to hang out with. There were actually few teenagers around. I can understand why parents of teenagers don't bring them to events like this, though. We had to be there for work and had no other option but to bring our guys.

We spent a lot of time talking with people. I'm not sure how much good we did. The journey towards mission is long and involves lots of conversations, so who knows what part we played. This lady in the photo browsed our OMF stand and picked up our prayer card. She then sat down and read it. I was intrigued. I'm pretty sure I had a conversation with her the next day about Japan and students.

This is a former WW2 aircraft hanger, the main meeting room, about which we also have many memories, including that first step of getting application papers for OMF (not dreaming we'd be back there 20 years later as "seasoned" OMF missionaries).

It was a good weekend, in that we were reminded by the main speakers of the great need for the gospel in this world. Many still have not heard and have no opportunity to hear the gospel. It's the message that booted us into missions in the first place, it is good to be refocused on that need again, especially while living in Australia where it's relatively easy to forget the needs of the rest of the world.