End of the teenage era!

This week marks the end of an era. Nearly 13 years ago our eldest son became a teenager and this week his youngest brother turned 20, though it's been more than a year since he moved out, it's still worth acknowledging that our family has reached a new stage with no teenagers in our midst anymore. One of the fun things about a long-distance blog like mine is looking back at the past (I guess the same would be true if you were a consistent journaller).

One of the nearly 20 birthday
cakes I made for our
teenagers over the years.

Below is a short collection of some of the better things I've shared about parenting teenagers in the last 13 years.

I started blogging before I hit the teen years as a parent, so I recorded the start (in 2012!) here: https://mmuser.blogspot.com/2012/05/mother-of-teenager-not-i-not-yet.html

At that time I wrote:

I don't know what is ahead, but the last 13 years of parenting haven't been a breeze. I doubt that the next seven are going to be either. I guess the only way forward is how I've made it through the last 13 years — by God's grace and with lots of prayer.

I clearly wasn't thinking that it would be 13 more years until this phase of parenting would be put to bed, however my proposed way forward was solid.

By the time my first son hit teenage years, I'd given up on parenting books. However, in 2015, I did find one that was helpful. It majored on "grace" rather than "this is how you must do it or else": https://mmuser.blogspot.com/2015/10/broken-parents.html 

Here's one quote:

Parenting, like all tasks under the sun, is intended as an endeavor of love, risk, perseverance, and above all, faith. It is faith rather than formula, grace rather than guarantees, steadfastness rather than success that bridges the gap between our own parenting efforts, and what, by God's grace, our children grow up to become. 

(This actually comes from Leslie Leyland Fields, , "The Myth of the Perfect Parent," Christianity Today, January 2010, 27.)

February 2016 was a very difficult month (my father-in-law was dying in hospital). During that time I came across a very encouraging post: The value of a mother: https://mmuser.blogspot.com/2016/02/the-value-of-mother.html 

As I’ve said before and will repeat until I die, no matter your role or stage of life, when you wonder about your value you need to look to only one place: the cross. At the cross the creator of this universe sacrificed His only Son because He values you. Your value comes not from what you do, but who you ARE in Him because of what He already did. He also highly values your role as a mother.

In 2018 we had three teenagers, though one had left home earlier that year. I wrote a short blog post with some crumbs of advice:  https://mmuser.blogspot.com/2018/11/teenage-parenting-crumbs.html

1. Pick your battles very carefully (not meaning that you don't set expectations).

2. Find what they're interested in, and invest in that to build a bridge.

In May 2019 I wrote about negotiating new family household jobs: https://mmuser.blogspot.com/2019/05/negotiating-with-my-teen.html

And here are two final pieces of advice (from here) Ups and downs of parenting teens:

3. Teenagers grow up, this is just a stage. It's a long stage, but seeing them come out at the other end with all sorts of amazing skills is even more gratifying than watching your kids learn to walk!

4. Find someone safe who you can talk to about your parenting struggles. It is a hard, long slog. A very long marathon, if you like, not a sprint. And it's not a good idea to slog it out on your own without support.

I have long said I will never write a book about parenting, however I have written about my own journey quite a bit on this blog. Every family is different, has different challenges and different strengths. Every child and every parent is unique. I don't write here about my experiences to make you envious or to feel guilty. My intention is to walk alongside you in the trenches by showing you a little of my "on the edge of ordinary" life.

Wedding week (the short version)

On Saturday our eldest son got married. I have not been as close to a wedding since my own 27 years ago. It was a very special experience! 

We flew to Cairns (far north Queensland) on New Year's Day. It was a red-eye flight (this seems to be the most common flight from Japan to Australia, we haven't flown anything else in 20 years of flying from Japan to Queensland). We're getting too old for overnight flights! We arrived at our accommodation as the sun came up and slept most of the morning and into the afternoon. We slept again that night and drove four hours south to Townsville the next day.

Townsville is a coastal city of around 200,000 people. We've driven through there once, and had lunch there once. It was new territory! Our first meal in the city was with our son and his fiancé. Such joy! It's been six months since we saw him and this was just the fourth time to see them in person together.

The weekend was a quiet one, but I did get started on something I'd been pondering ever since they got engaged in late August: what was I going to wear to this summer wedding? I haven't been in a place where I could buy summer clothes, so this had had to wait (almost every girlfriend was asking me...). I had three friends on quick-dial to give me advice from change-room photos and I found a dress quickly in a most unexpected place. Our future daughter-in-law recommended a second-hand shop close to where we were staying and she was right, they had a large selection of classier outfits for amazing prices. 

On Sunday we had the joy of worshipping with the soon-to-be-married couple and meeting some of their precious church family.

Scrambling over rocks at Magnetic Island.

Monday we put on our tourist hats and caught the ferry out to Magnetic Island with our son. It was interesting to see an island I grew up knowing the name of, but never had any idea exactly where it was or what it looked like. It wasn't as touristy as I'd expected. The buses also didn't run as often as we'd expected them to, so we got stranded for a while in the middle of the day. Lots of "shoulda's" but it all turned out in the end. The day ended back in Townsville with a casual meal with our son and his fiancé. We lingered a long time in conversation after the meal, it was a night we didn't really want to end. We've not spent much in-person time with our new daughter-in-law, but we're growing to love her!

Tuesday was quiet. We took a walk along the Ross River, and also did a little more shopping, and I found low-priced accessories to go with my dress.

Wednesday was a work day and the start of the influx of the rest of our family into Townsville. We helped decorate the church for Saturday. David worked on chair-shifting and high-strung auditorium decorations. I ironed tablecloths and curtains for several hours. My parents arrived mid-morning in their motorhome (yes, the one we drove around Tassie) and helped out for a bit too. It was tiring, but a great day to meet more of the young couple's biological and church family.

Thursday we met my own mother-in-law and then late at night welcomed our younger two sons at the airport. We also had coffee with the senior pastor of the church—he and his wife have a special part to play in the story of the young couple, so it was good to have a brief time with him.

Friday was the day for meals and hospitality. We had breakfast as a family of six for the first time: us, our three sons, and soon to be daughter-in-law. I'm glad for the advice from an older friend to lock in this event. Then we hung out with our younger sons for the rest of the day. Took them shopping, had lunch, and played host to another wedding guest. Dinner was a BYO picnic on The Strand (park on the coast in the centre of the city) with our wider family who had joined us in Townsville by then. It was also a worthwhile time to spend together before things got a bit more formal the next day.

Saturday morning was quiet, thankfully, and then the wedding at 3, coffee with family and friends at a nearby coffee shop while we waited for the couple to return from their photoshoot, and reception at 6.30.

That's a short one-sentence paragraph! It was a beautiful, simple, God-honouring ceremony. I was nervous beforehand, but didn't cry. David, however, lost it twice—once while the bride was walking up the aisle and again as he prayed on the platform for the newly married couple.

The Bridal table at the reception. 

There were lots of family photos afterwards: thankfully all inside in air conditioning. I definitely underestimated how busy it would be. I didn't have a pocket, so kept having to give my phone to others. And I didn't take many photos, but did get a few special ones, including a selfie with the bride and groom.

We left at 5 for a local coffee shop with family and a couple of friends. While we were gone key people transformed the church into a reception venue with stunning fairy lights surrounding a dance floor. This was no small feat—the church is a former gym, complete with exposed steel beams and basketball hoops. But it was gorgeous. I'm looking forward to seeing more photos from others; again I didn't take many.

The most unexpected element of the evening was the dancing. First of all, I ended up dancing with my son after their first dance. The song they were dancing to repeated, so on the spur of the moment he grabbed me and she got her father. No practice...just shuffling around together and saying precious things. But later the dancing got a lot more wild, including the Macarena! Most of the guests ended up dancing, and for the first time in my life I was on a dance floor with both my sisters (and my mum shooting evidence). It was a lot of fun after all the serious planning and logistics.

It's no secret to those who know me well that I love a good, deep conversation. One of the best conversations I had the whole week was on the day after the wedding. I had some things that needed to get to our son and daughter-in-law's house before we left the city (and country), and ended up giving them to the pastor's wife. We had a very special, short conversation before the service which will continue to give me a lot of joy. Our son is far from us, but, as well as a beautiful new wife, he has people nearby who love him and understand him well.

We're now back in Japan, after a day and a half of travel, but like Mary, the mother of Jesus, I have many things to treasure and ponder in my heart (Luke 2:19).

Christmas week

My husband, David, finished school two weeks ago for the Christmas-New Year holidays and since then life has slowed down a bit. We’ve been sleeping in and having more down-time than usual. For many years this is when we would go for a week away in the mountains with our family. This year, with no kids here, we decided not to do that, to instead make new memories. However then our eldest son got engaged and announced the wedding would be January 11, which for us means a trip back to Australia. So we decided to stay home during the days before Christmas: a decision that favours the budget as well as energy-conservation.

Christmas Day was a very quiet day: the quietest Christmas celebration we’ve ever had. The only other time we’ve celebrated that day without parents or kids was a crazy busy day in Indonesia on a short-term missions trip in 1993. (Noting that when we’re in Australia we often have two Christmas celebrations, one with each side of the family, and often not on the day itself.)

David “puzzling” next to the tree.

So what did we do? We chatted with family, ate Christmassy foods, participated in an online Christmas worship service, finished a jigsaw puzzle we’d been working on, played a game of Scrabble, exchanged a couple of gifts, and went for a mid-afternoon walk. We also watched a Christmas concert and then a Christmas movie. A quiet, but happy day.

A strangely fitting day for 2024—a year that has been full of many new and different things, along with big changes. But I won’t jump into a year-end reflection yet (that’s for next week).

We did invite a number of people to join us for Christmas dinner, but for various reasons none were able to come. The sentiment around Christmas is so family-orientated and so “going home” orientated. It’s strange to not do either. But we have been doing Christmas away from our birth families for a long time now. We are very used to a quiet time at home (though it never was that quiet for most of the years we had with three young boys). We're used to celebrating at home and connecting with our Australian family via video calls (or phone in the early days). So, though it was odd, it was not so bad as in those early years. Plus, fast forwarding to the days after Christmas: we had plenty of social interaction with close friends planned for the days following Christmas.

It’s probably more noteworthy that our two youngest sons had their first Christmas without us ever yesterday. They spent the day with my extended family and we were able to have a little bit of time with them via video too.

Twelve years ago I wrote on my blog that I’d had conversations with friends who had much older kids than mine and who wouldn’t see their children for Christmas. In that blog post I wrote about my first ever Christmas away from my birth family (good story, ended with a very late Christmas dinner of a whole fish, including eyes). I doubt my sons had as strange a day as that, but I’m sure it felt a little weird. I was reminded of that today when I spent time checking in with the short-term worker who I’m supervising. Christmas was also weird for her, being away from family, but thankfully she was able to experience the power of belonging to and celebrating with other believers.

This year has been full of change and new experiences for us, but (almost) all of this has been good change. So many Christmas songs are focused on family, they tap into the good feelings of belonging and earthly family. But both of these elements of life are subject to change and also to faults. Being away from family can give you the distance to remember more easily that as a Christian the most important thing in life is that we belong to the God’s family. Though that can be difficult here on earth, is also something that is foundational and though the members we physically live life with change (sometimes daily) the head of the family does not.

I started this blog post without any idea where it would end (as I often do), but I think I’ve found the end! May God bless you this Christmas week, with a greater joy of belonging than you’ve known before.

Moving our sons out (part two)

Eleven days after his brother moved out, our 21 y.o. also moved into his own place. It's a shorter story than "Part one".

He's moved one suburb over, only 8 km from us, and it was a vastly more simple process than moving internationally! His new place is a mostly furnished studio apartment (what's a studio apartment?) that is a converted garage, attached to a home. So it only took a couple of trips on Tuesday afternoon to move him in.

The more interesting story about this move is how we found this place. Often, during the last couple of months, I've referred to us as "detectives" as we followed leads in our search for the right place. Our son didn't yet have the finances to rent a place on his own and we didn't have any financial resources to help much. Plus, because of various issues I don't want to go into here for his privacy sake, our son wasn't going to fit into just any household or house-share. During our search we tried inspecting a couple of options, but it was pretty obvious that neither would work. As his mum I found it a distinctly uncomfortable emotional rollercoaster at times.

We had lots of people within our network praying: prayer partners, supporting churches, and others. We had people telling us about leads and putting notices in their church bulletins. And quite a few asking for updates.

His private verandah

Then one Sunday in mid-January I got a message from one of our supporters whom I haven't seen in many years. She sent me a screenshot of a church bulletin advertising a studio apartment attached to the home of a young Christian family. It sounded intriguing, so we asked for more information. Which lead to lots of detailed information about this private rental that the young couple have set up, and later a visit to see it. Overall it seemed like a good option, so he indicated his interest. And as he wasn't the first in line, we then waited weeks for news.

The waiting was hard, but in the midst of that we were planning for our other son's move. Then (what felt like a long time) we heard that the studio was his, if he wanted it. I can't tell you how relieved I felt.

What's intriguing to me is how we found out about it. The lady who sent us the ad doesn't go to the church where the ad was published, she knows some people there and plays the piano there sometimes. I don't think the owners of the apartment go to this church either. It seems to be a classic "Christian network" story. Whatever the full story is, we're thankful.

In the last weeks we've found a desk and chair, a second-hand bike, and bought bits and pieces including storage containers that will fit this small space. We've had things given to us, including food, plastic containers, cutlery, a blanket, and a fan. When we arrived on Tuesday we found the owners had put a few food items in the studio as a welcome gift.

On Tuesday we loaded up our car, and the trailer we borrowed for this season of moving, and headed over (a mere 12-minute drive). It didn't take long to move everything in. The interesting part of a studio apartment is that things don't always go where you might expect, because there are only one or two rooms. This one has a door in the middle, giving a little division between the "wet area" and the bed/living area. But the kitchen is kinda split between the two rooms. I was surprised to find the apartment includes a private covered verandah, which is a good place to put his bike so it doesn't get chewed by the family's energetic dog, but also to hang laundry. 

All in all, it's a nice little place, a good "starter" and I hope our son will enjoy the peace and quiet.* And that as he learns to live independent of us, that he'll grow in many ways that weren't easy to do when he was supported by us and living under our roof.

We now have no children left in our home, for the first time in nearly 25 years! It's different, but also good. It will take some adjusting to, but we're not sad. 

We've discovered that we're largely moving against cultural trends here too. As you probably know, many young adults in Australia (and in many other wealthy countries) are remaining at home for many years after they graduate from high school. The idea that we're actively moving our sons out has come as a bit of a surprise to some. But, taken in the context of our occupation and where we work, it makes sense. Japan isn't home to our sons, even though they grew up there. Their language skills aren't currently at the level that would enable them to live independently there. Australia is the easiest place for them to get a start on the next chapter in their lives (cheapest place for an Aussie to do tertiary study, for example), so if you understand the bigger picture, it's the logical choice.

I'm so, so glad to finally be able to tell you the "end" of this story. Of course we're just starting another chapter, the story of our lives as parents isn't over yet, it just looks different now that they are no longer living under our roof.

* One thing that makes it hard for him to live with other people is a sensory disorder called misophonia. It's a relatively unknown, and minimally researched problem that is barely recognised by medical professionals (or government agencies). Misophonia is an intolerance of certain sounds and associated cues. Typically repetitive aural or nasal sounds such as chewing, swallowing, sniffing, heavy breathing. It can cause people to feel uncontrollable anger. It's profoundly shaped our son's life, and, because we've lived with him for two decades, our lives and relationship with him have been impacted too.

Looking ahead to 2024

Image by Gordon Johnson from Pixabay

It is my habit at the start of January to look ahead to the next 12 months in my first blog post of the year. Of course I can't predict what will happen or how it will turn out! And what better reminder of that uncertainty when we watch Japan live through more disasters only hours after we've wished everyone a "happy new year"!

Despite that, it's useful to both look ahead and also look back. 

One example of how this reflecting and anticipating can help is that when I look back at this time last year I remember that 2023 looked like a lot of hard work. Plus there were lots of things that we really didn't know how we were going to achieve and I felt anxious about. But now that the year is over I realise that we did make it through all of that, with God's help. Yes it was hard, but also there were good surprises along the way (like the house we're living in and the furniture we're using) and many of the disasters that I imagined never occurred. With this in mind I can approach 2024 knowing that, though there's hard work ahead and some things that seem impossible, time next year I'll hopefully be able to look back and have the same realisation: that God's walked with us through it all and provided all that we've needed.

We see it in the Bible too: God encouraged the Israelites to look back at what he'd done for them in the past and to trust that he'll work again on their behalf in the future. This is stated very clearly in Deuteronomy 7:

You may say to yourselves, ‘These nations are stronger than we are. How can we drive them out?’ But do not be afraid of them; remember well what the Lord your God did to Pharaoh and to all Egypt. You saw with your own eyes the great trials, the signs and wonders, the mighty hand and outstretched arm, with which the Lord your God brought you out. The Lord your God will do the same to all the peoples you now fear. (vv. 17–19 NIV)

It's also a theme in the New Testament. Jesus told his disciples in the Last Supper to remember him by doing this (which is where the Lord's Supper we celebrate in churches today comes from). In the book of Hebrews we're encouraged to persevere in the faith, backed up by a lengthy list of those who have gone before us (who didn't even know the story of Jesus). 

So remembering the past can help us as we face the future. Given what I reflected on last week in my end of year blog post, I certainly will be trying to be more serious about not worrying.

I noticed a small thing in this passage I was listening to the other day:

Then Jesus said to his disciples: ‘Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat; or about your body, what you will wear. For life is more than food, and the body more than clothes. Consider the ravens: they do not sow or reap, they have no storeroom or barn; yet God feeds them. And how much more valuable you are than birds! Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to your life? Since you cannot do this very little thing, why do you worry about the rest?' (Luke 12:23–26 NIV UK)

We think that by worrying we can extend our lives (or the lives of others), but that's obviously not God's perspective. From his perspective adding an hour to our lives is a "very little thing". The difference between us and God is so huge and he understands that better than we do! So, since I can't even do this very little thing, I think that giving up worrying is a worthy goal, not just for 2024, but for the rest of my life. I'm certain that I will fail again and again, but with God's help I surely can improve on what I've done up till now!

Coming months

The coming couple of months probably includes us moving into the era of couple-dom again. I'm actively avoiding the usual term for this stage. We'll be parents of independently living adults, which is what we've been working towards for the last 24 years!

 It's a stage that is worth acknowledging, but also a stage that is full of so much potential and not just "emptiness". But obviously a huge change from living with our guys and interacting with them on a daily basis, so it will be an adjustment that will take some time.

Our hope and plan is to return to Japan in July to the roles we had there last year (or approximately those roles, some changes will hopefully come to pass). Before then we have some travel planned in Australia, including a big trip to take advantage of Australia's amazing long-service provision (paid leave to reward a long period of service with the same organisation). You will hear plenty about that as I hope to write an online diary of our travels like I have for our long camping journeys in the past.

As for what happens after July? When we get back to Japan we plan to move into a small apartment near the school in western Tokyo. Yes, we've already seen this apartment (first time we've seen a future place of accommodation in person since 2005)! And we are looking forward to having fun exploring all sorts of new possibilities that being a couple provides. We first arrived in Japan in 2000 with a 20-month old and have done our entire missionary journey overseas with children in our care, so this is indeed a very new chapter.

It's another year that involves a long, multi-stage international move, though it's always physically easier moving out of Australia because we haven't been here so long and have less stuff. Much of the larger items we use go back to owners or find new owners. We haven't moved into a new house in Japan in 14 years, though, so that will be different, but moving without little children is definitely easier (even if we'll be missing the strength of our young adult sons).

Sadly it's another year that involves many goodbyes. But there are also many who we're looking forward to seeing again in Japan. It's never easy emotionally for me to move, and saying goodbye to Australia is an act of the will, rather than an overly eager spirit.

Many things I did in 2023 I will continue to do in 2024. This was my list from 12 months ago:

• regularly walk with my husband (I averaged about 2.5 km a day last year)
• study Japanese
• read lots of books
• listen to English sermons at least once a week
• stay in touch with close friends regularly, and when I can, in person
• bake
• writing

Much of this remains true of my intentions for 2024, I don't have as much time alone in Australia, so I listen to less podcasts and sermons (and get an English sermon in person most Sundays). I don't have a current writing project or specific writing goal for 2024, though have submitted an application to be part of a writing team for the year . . . I haven't heard back on that yet, so we'll see. I've got vague prof. dev. reading goals while I'm in Australia, but again will try to read 100 books in the year (mostly fiction for relaxation, I read fast and rely on books to help me relax before sleeping). I mentioned 12 months ago that I'd picked up cross-stitch again, and I'm still working on that, but it's a complex design and I'm finding it slow going.

That's enough. I look ahead to 2024 with this:

I will say of the Lord, ‘He is my refuge and my fortress, my God, in whom I trust.’ (Psalm 91:2 NIV)

Emotions and conversations

We have reached an interesting point in our careers. A point where people saying, "Wow, 23 years is a long time to serve." But there are also younger people asking questions about their own direction in life, and asking about our own journey. Especially people who don't feel called to so called "front-line ministry", for example, church planting and evangelism, but called to the sorts of work we do: support ministry (behind the scenes helping missionaries to continue to do the work they've been called to do).

And a photo of a tree, because we all need
more trees!

I've written on this topic a few times over the years, one that stands out was about four years ago (here) and expressed a fair bit of frustration on how difficult it seemed to communicate to Australians about the importance of the work we do. That mission work involves a lot more than just church planting and evangelism. 

However, it feels like maybe we're making better progress this year. One way we're doing that is by using boxes, of all things! It's become a standard part of most of our up-front presentations. We get the audience involved and show them a little dramatically some of the other things missionaries have to do aside from their stated "ministry", and then show them how overwhelming that can be and how people like ourselves can work as a team to help carry the load. I explained this activity (with photos) towards the end of this blog post five years ago. This single presentation has produced more conversations than most of the stories we've told.

I've had coffee on two occasions in the last week with people who wanted to know more about my story: about working in communications and also about how missions do member care. Both of these conversations were so encouraging to me. I shouldn't be amazed that God's been working through the struggles I've had to help other people (he said he would 2 Corinthians 1:4). In fact neither of these conversations would have taken place if God hadn't given me the boldness to stand up in front of strangers and admit that something in my missionary career had been (or continues to be) hard.

. . . 

I now wish that I'd pressed "Publish" on Tuesday when I wrote this. But now it's Thursday and I've had another lengthy conversation that was quite different to the first two I mentioned. Today I'm feeling far more anxious than I had been recently. The conversation was one of those, "Please explain the situation of your kids, we wish we could provide them with accommodation but we can't, what can we do except pray?" kinds of conversations that we've had many of in the last several months.

I haven't written too much about the situation with our boys, partly to protect their privacy. What's been going on with them has been the unwritten part of the story in what I've written here recently (e.g., struggling to trusting God). My summary is: there's a housing crisis in Australia at present and finding places to rent is hard. Both our younger sons need to find somewhere to live apart from us in order for us to go back to Japan in July. One of our sons will be studying at the University of Queensland and the other hopefully will be working. The latter was the subject of this blog post last year about mental illness and neurodiversity. He's had a rough run, and as his parents we've also been doing it tough at times. Getting these guys settled somewhere else is a key focus of this home assignment, but it's a difficult one. And one that we don't know the end of yet, and it's hard to wait, wondering.

But this is a rather large diversion from how I started this: encouraged by conversations. But that's life, isn't it? One interaction can be an encouragement and another quite the opposite. We're no superheroes here! Please pray for us!

Rowboat, sentences, and driver's licence

This has been an interesting week, and not as quiet as my written schedule might lead you to believe. I think I'd been settling just a little into a "quieter" life. Time to read, to go a bit slower than usual. But this week has been a little different. For starters, I've picked up my editing pen again. OMF Australia has given me a spot as a guest editor for one of their publications. It's been good to brush up those skills a little.

A local park, a place that's helping
us stay a bit grounded here.

I wrote our monthly prayer letter on Monday and sent it Tuesday. A pretty usual end-of-month activity, but one that always involves a little reflecting on the month gone and looking at what the month ahead holds. It definitely showed that October was considerably quieter than the several months that had gone before it, and I guess that has shown up in my musings on this blog.

Over the last few weeks, on quieter days, I've been trying to invest more in reading about writing, as well as taking up a few small opportunities to write. I've spent many Tuesdays mornings at our local library writing. I haven't had a huge output or a big project that I'm working on, but just setting aside time on a set day to write in a different environment has been helpful. 

This week I finished a book about sentences: First you write a sentence by Joe Moran. It wasn't the easiest book to read, but that kind of helped it to feel like I was doing "work" i.e. professional development, not just reading for pleasure! Here's one helpful quote:

‘It’s necessary to write as if your sentences will be orphaned, because they will be.’ (Evelyn Kinkenborg)…Once our sentences are written and sent out into the world to be read, they are on their own. Most of us cling to a residual belief that we will still be there, hovering over the reader as she reads, to explain, when she stumbles over our words, what we really meant. We won’t…Writing a sentence is …hard because you have to arrange them in such a way that they can be deciphered in your absence” (p. 24–25 First you write a sentence, Joe Moran, 2018).

Later he qualified that statement about orphans by saying that sentences really need to be read in context, that "the sentence you are reading needs the already read and still unread sentences around it" (p. 161).

Another gem from the book: "Reading a sentence should never be a grim duty. . . Most paragraphs are longer than they need to be, likewise most chapters. Most books go on for fifty pages longer than they should. We forget all this because it is less effort to speak than to listen . .  at some point, sooner than we think, we should stop. no one is ever as interested as we are in what we have to say. They need to eat, or catch a train, or go to bed because they have work in the morning. The courteous actor says his lines and leaves the stage with no encore." (p.199)

Unfortunately the author didn't really take his own advice. This book could have been considerably shorter! What kept me reading, though, was the gems like I've quoted. One of the reviewers on Goodreads said "About 96% twaddle. Which is annoying because the 4% has some really good ideas and observations." Ironically, a good developmental editor would have been a big help!

Aside from reading interesting books, and writing and editing, we've been walking alongside our sons as they continue to settle into life in Australia. This week that's meant:

• helping our middle son finally get his learners licence again (he had a Japanese learners, but that journey was interrupted by a seizure nearly two years ago)
• helping facilitate communication to allow our sons and one other missionary kid to apply to take over a lease from four other young men (two of whom at least are missionary kids themselves) 

Both the above are part of long complex journeys, and it was satisfying to complete a clear step in each one this week. Two more tangible steps towards our twin goals of them living independently as adults and us returning on our own to Japan to continue work there.

A strange thing, but I also did two things that I've been postponing. I bought three new t-shirts (as we approached downsizing and moving to Australia, I pretty much stopped buying anything that wasn't consumable or an immediate desperate need, so it's been a long time since I bought a t-shirt). I also made an appointment with a physio for a problem that's been bothering me for many months (years?). These seem like small things, but they felt big, like I was settled enough to do them?

We've also had car trouble, which has meant the first driving lesson got cut short yesterday. And more money will be paid than we want to. The car is at the mechanic and we've had to borrow a car this weekend to fulfil our ministry commitments.

This week we also started talking to our families about Christmas plans . . . this is something we only do a couple of times a decade! And noted that it's getting gradually more complex as our kids get older. Our families live a whole day's drive apart, so it is always a bit complicated to factor in everyone's needs, desires, plus the sheer practicalities of travel. On top of that we have other people (long-term friends and supporters) wondering if they can catch up with us during the Christmas holidays (roughly Dec–Jan), but we can't set dates until we've settled on dates with our families. 

Yesterday evening I felt like I was a little row boat that had had a number of ripples pass underneath me: unsettled and rocked, not by any one thing, but by the various life things going on, some of which I've mentioned above. When this happens I can be quite harsh on myself, wondering where my faith in God my rock is. After all this is what King David wrote:

Yes, my soul, find rest in God;
    my hope comes from him.
6 Truly he is my rock and my salvation;
    he is my fortress, I will not be shaken.
7 My salvation and my honour depend on God;
    he is my mighty rock, my refuge.
8 Trust in him at all times, you people;
    pour out your hearts to him,
    for God is our refuge. (Ps. 62:5–8)

I will not be shaken? I'm not sure exactly of the meaning here. I know that houses in Japan are built so that they can be shaken by an earthquake, but still remain standing and undamaged. Perhaps that's it?

So, a rowboat, sentences, and a driver's licence, and a myriad of other things that have made up this week, including a really hot, but dry day of around 37C, and a much cooler, yet more humid day today (around 26C). Tomorrow we put on our "missionary" hats again and, all things going well, we will present at an OMF meeting and then have lunch with friends from uni days.

It's different to any home assignment we've done before

This is a different home assignment to any we've done before this. Mainly because we've got older kids who aren't in school anymore. We don't have school pickup or drop-off to take into consideration, we don't have to get them to after-school events or sport. They are pretty independent due to the location of our house and we are free to plan our schedule without them. 

When I'm able, I've been trying to come here to
write on Tuesday mornings. This library is a very 
short ride/walk from home. I love that this time
we're very close to a regional city centre,
 it makes it feel more like Japan than when 
we've had to drive everywhere.

September was a prime example: going to Perth for 18 days, and then six days after returning we went to a camp for four days. The camp would have worked when our kids were younger, because it was during the school holidays, but probably not when they were teens. None of our guys are very extroverted and as teens wouldn't have appreciated four days away from home with 100 unknown peers and leaders.

This Thursday we're leaving at around 7.30 a.m. to get to Toowoomba (my home town, about 1 ½ hrs west of here) for a 9.30 prayer meeting . . . and then we're staying the night, in fact three nights. In the past we would have taken the boys to school and then dashed up to Toowoomba and planned to be back by 3 the same day to pick them up from school.

This is a tiny glimpse of what last time looked like: It's a strange job

It's definitely easier in many ways this time. We only have to move the two of us around. And it's allowed a lot more freedom to what we choose to say yes to, in terms of opportunities to speak and serve. We did a lot more work in the evenings last month than we've done before.

The downside is that while school and our kids restricted our movements, they also provided some structure to our decisions too. In the past we've often taken school holiday times to do family-related things (for non-Aussies, we have four ten-week terms here, with three two-week vacation periods between terms, plus around six weeks at Christmas). 

Many people assume we spend our home assignment close to family, however that isn't the case. We both grew up in country towns and moved to Brisbane to study at university. The greater Brisbane area is where we have most of our support base as that's where we were located when we began this mission journey. So none of our immediate family is closer than Toowoomba, and all of David's family is a day's drive (eight hours) away. It's been harder this time to decide when to take a chunk of time to visit them. 

Part of the reason we haven't gone to see our families yet has been work-driven (the Perth trip was timed to get to a once-a-year church camp from a long-time supporting church). And partly it's because we've prioritised our sons. A number of the things we've done with them in the last 11 weeks (yes, it's 11 weeks today since we arrived in Australia) have been time sensitive. For example, getting a learners licence as early as possible was important because getting a licence here is fairly dependent on the volunteer labour of parents, as 100 hours of driving experience needs to be documented before a test can be taken!

But in October we're hoping to see most, if not all of our siblings and parents (although I won't get to see David's family until Christmas time, he's driving up there with our youngest son when I'm busy at a women's convention).

Of course each home assignment is different, especially when you have children. But when you only do this every five years, things change. Other things, aside from our children, that have changed this time around (big and small):

• some churches no longer exist or no longer want us to visit them and some of our supporters and friends are no longer with us on this earth
• we're in a different suburb (yet again . . . we're yet to stay in the same suburb twice!)
• we're now in our 50s, I think that makes a difference to energy levels
• deputising when you've been serving overseas for over 20 years seems different, and people are commenting on that length
• we've also got a lot more experience and confidence than we did when we started off in 1999, before we'd even set foot in Japan
• Australia has changed, in small ways and big ways. 
• There's been a pandemic, for example. Hint: if you want to stop people asking questions about you, change the subject to the pandemic and they'll talk for a long time about their experience!
• I'm pretty sure that there's been a change in what stores sell: some places that used to be more generalist (e.g. Big W, Target, KMart), are now more specialised? I've been more lost here than I am in Japan in finding some non-food things!
• Australia continues to get more and more expensive, it's vastly different to when we first left in 2000 (Japan and Australia have flipped in comparison to one another in 20 years)
• we get to take long service leave this time!!! (for non-Aussies and Kiwis this is paid leave that you get in our countries after a certain period of working for the same organisation and you'll hear more about it from me next year as we prepare to take off in late March)
• my parents no longer live in the house I knew from the age of 15, so visiting them feels just a little bit different
• I've got two friends in south-east Queensland who I've been communicating with almost daily for the last five years, that means I'm feeling less lonely and disconnected here than in the past

But it's time to go and pack my bag for yet another trip away. Thankfully this month we only will clock around five or six nights away, compared to September's 21!

End of our Perth trip: it was good and hard

Birthday cheesecake.
A very rare occasion
when I didn’t make it myself! 

It’s only been ten days since I last wrote, but a lot has happened in that time. In terms of what we’ve done, we:

• Spoke in front of small and large groups (six times, once in Japanese).
• Had meals or “coffee” with people while answering questions about our life and ministry (eight times at least, I think).
• Spent about 40 hours at a church camp, interacting almost all the time we weren’t asleep.
• Travelled back to Brisbane (about four and a half hrs on a plane).
• Celebrated our middle son’s birthday with a family party on our 26th wedding anniversary.
• Spent a number of hours planning for future events.

Many evenings we’ve had things on: a dinner or party, an event to speak at, or we’ve been travelling. That’s been hard, because we’re used to relaxing after dinner. Talking intently to people until 9.30 at night doesn’t help with sleep!

We are, however, getting into the groove and I’m feeling more relaxed in front of a group than a month ago. But still, we long for a much more settled life. Alas home assignment is never settled. There is no routine, no “normal week”. We’re working towards the goal of going back to Japan in July next year, so there’s no incentive to get really settled here either.

And then there’s all the conversations that make me feel unsettled and uneasy. All the questions about our lives. Many of them are great questions, but explaining our lives over and over again isn’t easy. And it is exhausting trying to discern what someone wants to know, or what they already know about us. The hardest questions (aside from  the “So how’s Japan?” ones) are about things that I feel insecure or somewhat regretful about. They touch on what I, like these people, have imagined in the past a “perfect” missionary looks like: wonderful language skills (our kids included in that), amazing evangelism stories, and a clear, succinct answer on why Japan hasn’t been receptive to the gospel. 

Questions about how our kids are doing are constant and not easy. Some are from people who have read between the lines on our prayer letters and know that we’ve struggled. Others are from people who don’t know us at all. How do I summarise and satisfy people’s desire to know about us, without sharing too much that our boys don’t want shared?

It’s been exhausting, but, despite all my discomfort, ultimately very good. We especially like interacting with small groups. I think two of my favourite events in the last week were groups of 20 and 50. Both had atmospheres of informality and the kind of intimacy that invited honesty and excellent questions. After events like that, speaking for six minutes in front of a church felt quite flat and shallow.

We flew back on Monday, arriving home after 10pm. So grateful we didn’t have to take a red-eye like we’ve done every other time from Perth to Brisbane, but still tired. We’ve had a slower week, but still had appointments to get to, and next week to prepare for. 

Next week is another big one: from Sunday for four days we’re at a regional church high schoolers camp. These are usually great times to interact, especially with the leaders. But I’m going to be careful about managing my energy and taking downtime. At least we don’t have our own children to take care of at the same time, like we did last time we did a school-aged camp (?about nine years ago).

On the home front: our time in Perth was a big event. It was the first time we’d done an overnight ministry trip away without our guys, and we did it for 18 days! It was good for us all to experience that. Our two younger sons lived at home during that time and by all observations did well. They felt the pinch of not having a car at their disposal, but they got by. They’re gradually learning about life in Australia, which is good, as this is where they’ll be for a while to come. It was good for us as a couple to experience an extended time away from our kids too. We had fun doing some different things as we stand on the cusp of living life again as a couple after nearly 25 years of having kids in our home.

Our trip to Rottnest Is. was a highlight I mentioned
in my last blogpost.

We usually set up some kind of “table” display
wherever we go. We managed to squeeze some things
into our luggage for Perth. Packing for Perth is another
story: it was done at the end of an exceptionally
busy day and I didn’t do a great job personally. I 
wish I’d taken a larger bag and more clothes.

A sand bar at Point Walter on the Swan River.

Catching public transport, especially buses, in
an unfamiliar city was a new challenge.

This was the auditorium at the church camp. Very reminiscent of the place where we first started applying to be long-term missionaries in Queensland.

An aha moment

Every time we’ve come on home assignment (this is our fifth) I’ve made a photo album about our recent term of service to share with people. It’s been a very helpful tool when we meet informally with small groups, or over meals, or even when chatting with someone after a church service that we've spoken at. So now we have a collection of five photo albums summarising our last 22 1/2 years!

This year I wondered if I was going to get a photo album done before I left Japan (or at all). Back in February (see this blog post) there seemed like so much to do. Photo album was on the list, but it was way down below other priorities like "moving", "handing over our work to others", and "finding somewhere to live in Australia". But I found some time to do it in the last week before we headed to conference, after I'd handed most of my work on to others and before we started packing up our house.

The other day I pulled out the earliest photo album to show some ladies who know our eldest son . . . the first photo album shows his early days in Japan and they loved seeing that. The aha moment came later when I thought about how detailed the first couple of albums were, compared to the ones I’ve made the last couple of times. How did I have the time?

I realised that those first two albums were made when my role in Japan was mostly full-time stay at home mum. A role that was busy, but didn't completely satisfy my creative tendencies and also had many little moments that I could use for an extra project. The photo albums are evidence of that. They are also evidence that, as my kids have grown and become more independent and busy outside the home, I've also taken on more work that's focussed outside the home.

That realisation led to me further realising that I should never been afraid that I'm being too lazy. That, over the years, I've naturally filled my time with productive and creative things. And I appear to keep filling up my time until I reach my limit. Another place to see that is this blog. From 2009 when I started it, until late 2017 I wrote here most days. What happened in 2017? I took on new roles: OMF Japan's social media and website content.

That fear of laziness? I'm a conscientious soul, always have been, and I don't like the thought that I'm wasting my precious time on this earth. Because I work flexible hours at home on several different jobs it can be difficult to tell if I'm working at my capacity. Over the years I think it's become a little easier to read the signs that I'm overdoing it, however sometimes I still don't recognise that until I've stepped over the "too busy" line.

I knew that I'd be tired yesterday, because we had a run of high-octane days last week: several intense, but good times with friends and colleagues, the start of deputation meetings, and sorting through years of accumulated resources related to speaking about Japan here (unpacked it easily took over our dining room and office). Amidst all that, various other things continued to need our attention, including medical and bureaucratic matters. 

Thankfully yesterday we could just call a halt to the craziness and we focussed hard on "not doing", not opening the computer and not talking about work stuff. I'm feeling better today, but know that I need to be cautious. We're still recovering from this major transition and don't quite have the stamina we're used to when we're settled in Japan.

It's amazing to me that at 50 I'm still learning more about myself. This realisation about my internal drive to fill my days makes it easier to push though this very fuzzy year known as home assignment. We don't have anyone closely looking over our shoulder to tell us to work harder or to take it easier. No one assigns us a schedule or tells us what meetings we have to attend. We don't have to report to anyone the number of hours that we work and we don't have as many deadlines as I usually juggle. All in all, there's not much accountability for our day-to-day activities and it's easy to wonder if we're doing an okay job, or if we're wasting time.

But then there's the debrief we had earlier in the month with a psychologist. She recommended we take things a bit easier this year, even aim for boredom! (I usually avoid boredom pretty studiously.) 

We've carried a fair weight these last few years as parents of someone who isn't neurotypical (see this blog post from last year when I poured out something of what that has meant). I hesitate to call myself a "carer", as many others carry much heavier, full-time caring responsibilities, but it is similar. It's something that is hard to escape, but also something that is woven into the fabric of our lives in a way that has changed us and how we live. The psychologist challenged us, as we work towards the goal of all our boys living separately from us, to explore things and ways of living that we've just had to avoid in the past, in order to survive. It’s going to be an interesting adventure. 

But my big challenge now is trusting, moment-by-moment that we will eventually get there, that we will make it through this transition time. 

 I need to do what David did when he wrote Psalm 62, tell myself: “Yes, my soul, find rest in God; my hope comes from him. Truly he is my rock and my salvation; he is my fortress, I shall not be shaken. My salvation and my honour depend on God; he is my mighty rock, my refuge. Trust in him at all times, you people; pour out your hearts to him, for God is our refuge (vv 5–8 NIV)”.

It’s a big week

 Moving into a new chapter in our lives isn’t without pain. I know that the changes we’re going through right now are necessary to move into the next thing, but it isn’t all joy. 

To start with, this week has been miserably hot. Cleaning, packing, and moving furniture and boxes around is an energetic exercise at the best of times, but this week we’ve hit a heat wave in Tokyo, a fairly early one. The average maximum temperature in July is usually 30, the last three days have been 36 or 37 degrees. Additionally, the house we’re moving out of had air conditioning only in the living/kitchen areas, and even that we lost on Tuesday morning as they came to uninstall the units. It’s been a case of working in spurts punctuated by breaks. Thankfully we’ve been able to housesit for friends of ours who are currently in the US on holidays. Their fully air conditioned apartment is only 300 m away from our house, so it’s been extremely easy to pop back and forth between the two. That’s meant we’ve been able to sleep in the cool too.

Sorting our goods thankfully hasn’t been too painful, we did a good portion of it in the months leading up to this move. But still, there was plenty of decisions to be made (this decision tree I shared earlier this year helps you to appreciate the extra layer of complication we have as missionaries). Some decisions are more important than others, but they add up. Just today I’ve decided which pieces of gardening equipment to keep (thankfully I don’t have much), which ice packs to keep, and whether I want to store a razor, or take it with me. Seemingly minor things, but the end of a long list of decisions.

On Sunday we watched as our two youngest sons decided what to take with them when they leave Japan next week, knowing that we don’t really have room to store stuff for them here. You see photos of kids leaving to go to college with whole cars stuffed full of things. Our guys only get a few bags. One of the harder decisions to make was regarding their winter clothes. It was hard to even touch those in the midst of this current heat.

On Sunday evening, it was almost anticlimactic to watch our loved dining table taken away by strangers. But all of a sudden, our house was definitely missing a key piece and since then it’s been feeling more and more like a familiar, but no-longer-the-same place. Then Monday morning the “large rubbish” department of the local government came and took away nine other pieces of furniture. Last night friends came and took our son’s beautiful desk. And two other friends came and took two futon sets.

Last Friday afternoon we welcomed local friends to an open house. We provided cold drinks (it was another stinking hot day), home made snacks (I found frozen bananas that either had to be used or tossed), and a bunch of stuff free for the taking. It was a great opportunity to see some people for the last time. But also we cleared out a lot of stuff too (which either got taken, or subsequently disposed of). It was like a turning point in this move. From then on things have been steadily leaving the house, destined for various places.

One of those is a space OMF rents for missionaries going on home assignment. This is a shared space, so requires quite a lot of juggling. Just in the last fortnight, several missionary units have put stuff in and taken stuff out. Thankfully it’s close to us, so we’ve been able to save a lot of money utilizing our eight-seater van and our two strong sons.

The twist, is getting stuff up and down this unattached ladder! Removalists aren’t super keen and I can understand why!

In the photo you can see a large blue tarp. That is covering the goods of a single missionary who will be coming back, we understand, in the next couple of months.

Other stuff that this last week has held includes:

• A trip to immigration to get our re-entry permit.
• A trip to do the paperwork to transfer the ownership of our car to the missionaries who’ve bought it.
• Quick trips to the store to buy lunches
• A trip to the city hall to tell them we’re leaving the country (so need to pause health insurance).
• Farewelling our youngest as he went to his final youth group camp over near the Pacific Coast. We’ll see him again on Sunday when we head that direction ourselves.

And coming up:

• Tomorrow David will make a journey into our nearest large centre to see if they can figure out why his not-old laptop won’t start.
• We also will make one or two trips to the local dump to dispose of the miscellaneous pile of stuff that we don't want to store.

Friday David will hand over the keys to the house and Sunday we’ll gather our bags once again and head to the OMF guesthouse for a couple of nights before hopping on a flight on Tuesday.

Speaking of bags…we’re pretty sure we’ve got more than the weight our tickets allow us, so today or tomorrow we’ll be weighing it all and deciding what to mail.

It’s been a big week, and hidden underneath all the busyness is an array of emotions. This is a good move, but also lots of big changes and adjustments are needed by everyone.

We have so much to be thankful for. I’m thankful for small things like a nap yesterday afternoon (I’ve been waking after only six hours of sleep each night) and no headaches for nearly two weeks! 

And we have so much to continue to trust God for. It’s pretty common these days to call someone in their life their “rock”, but I think the best rock is God, the only unchanging, reliable being that we know.

 “Yes, my soul, find rest in God; my hope comes from him. Truly he is my rock and my salvation; he is my fortress, I shall not be shaken. My salvation and my honour depend on God; he is my mighty rock, my refuge. Trust in him at all times, you people; pour out your hearts to him, for God is our refuge.” (Psalm 62:5–8)

This time next week I’ll hopefully be in Cairns, Australia, recovering from an overnight flight. I’ll “see” you on the other side of this journey.