An overflowing week

Last week was huge—such a contrast to a usual work at my desk at home. I'm glad for all the people I interacted with, though, so thankful.

Monday

Monday was the monthly missionary gathering of OMF missionaries in our area, involving around 50 or more people. This is held at our Japan headquarters on the other side of Tokyo and typically I spend between three and four hours on six or more trains to get there and back. Once I'm there, it's encouraging, but the train journeys can be a bit fraught if you get stuck on heavily populated trains.

The morning's schedule was:

9.30–10.00 arriving, chatting, and coffee/tea

10.00 singing, devotional, announcements, welcomes and farewells.

11.00 morning tea

11.30 prayer time

12.30 BYO lunch

From 1.30 we had a working bee (cleaning/gardening to tidy up the Japan headquarters building).

I got home after 4 pm feeling pretty weary.

Tuesday

At 8.30 I met a friend I said goodbye to in 2016 when she moved back to the US. She's part of my magazine team, so I haven't lost touch with her, but having 1½ hours to sit and talk one-on-one with her at a cafe was such a joy and encouragement. In the few years that she lived in Japan we spent many hours together at prayer meetings and volunteering at school. She's just one of the multitude of friends who have passed through my life in this cross-cultural life. It felt like a redeeming moment to reconnect last week.

The rest of Tuesday was spent working hard at my computer to ensure I could be away from my desk for the rest of the week.

I climbed into a hammock leaning
over a stream!

In the evening I picked up a young Australian friend from the train station who'd be staying with us that night. She'd travelled a long way from western Japan and then gotten a bit lost on Tokyo trains. We were all pretty tired by the time she arrived, so we fed her and then went to bed.

Wednesday – Friday

I did some more desk work in the morning before gathering a carload of ladies around midday to travel to the annual Women in Ministry retreat. Our houseguest was one of my passengers, as well as a missionary neighbour and a friend from church (these days I drive a small car with only four seatbelts).

I also climbed into a tree (with help
from a taller friend)

From then on it was almost constant interaction and activity until Saturday! But, as usual the retreat was a great blessing. 

The worship times were a highlight for me. There's something about singing God's truth into our hearts that is very precious. The worship leader didn't mess around by talking: she lead us through song after song, so the flow wasn't interrupted. I found that it gave me helpful contemplation time. This retreat has been a big "lily pad" in my life over the last 20 years. It's a notable "memory handle" when I think back over those years—I remember various times in my life that this retreat has coincided with other challenging events. 

For example, the retreat in 2011, just days before our lives were sent into turmoil (on this actual day, 11th March) with the triple disaster north of of here. 

I remember the retreat in March 2020 when the magnitude of the pandemic was just starting to dawn on us. I arrived at that particular retreat with the heavy weight of one of my best friend's son who was terminally ill (at 13 years of age) and straight after that women's retreat I hosted a writing retreat that was both incredibly fulfilling as well as incredibly taxing and exhausting. 

Speaker, worship leader with two
visiting Biblical counsellors

I remember the 2021 retreat held online, just a couple of weeks after some devastating news in our family and in the midst of our middle son's traumatic last year of high school.

And 2022, when I was numb after a couple of years of almost no in-person time with people, and when a friend confronted me after noticing my unusual demeanour, I fell apart in her room as I told her about some very heavy stuff within my own family.

That's a sampling of the memories that were coursing through my brain as we worshipped. It was actually pretty therapeutic to reflect on those things as I sang about the goodness and faithfulness of God. Annual events like these nowadays are reminders to me of the friends who are no longer there (usually moved away) and the underlying grief that accompanies me now through life. Remembering, though, that God is still with me and has walked with me through all of the above, and more, was very special.

My other take-away from the retreat is diving into Ephesians 3:17–19. It's a rich passage where Paul's words start to run away from him a bit. Here it is from the Amplified version (not one I usually use, but it was helpful in thinking this through):

And may you, having been [deeply] rooted and [securely] grounded in love, be fully capable of comprehending with all the saints (God’s people) the width and length and height and depth of His love [fully experiencing that amazing, endless love]; and [that you may come] to know [practically, through personal experience]

Meals were plain Japanese-style.

 the love of Christ which far surpasses [mere] knowledge [without experience], that you may be filled up [throughout your being] to all the fullness of God [so that you may have the richest experience of God’s presence in your lives, completely filled and flooded with God Himself]. (Eph. 3:17-19 AMP).

I was particularly noticing that my head knowledge of Christ's love is far surpassed by his actual love for me. I come from a theological background that doesn't emphasis personal experience of God's love, but I think that that is only part of the story in the life of a Christian, a part that I'm still growing in my understanding of and desperately need when I have doubts about my own worthiness and value.

Friday

On Friday at noon, we headed back to Tokyo, and ordinary life. But those in my car got another three hours of enjoyable fellowship in my car. I wasn't the most reliable of drivers, though, because I was tired. I pour myself into interacting people when I get the chance and it wears me out. It was actually hard to concentrate on driving as well as talking with those in the car and I took two wrong turns and one "dodgy" last minute turn! Two stops for caffeine later and I was pleased to finally park my car outside our apartment without any serious incident.

Our Australian guest's flight wasn't until the next day, so she stayed one more night with us. We were a little sad, because, though she'd physically been present at the retreat, she'd missed the entire programme on Thursday as she stayed in bed with a cold. Thankfully she was feeling a bit better by Friday and even able to play card games with us that evening (taught me a new game too—not easy when I was so tired).

Saturday

After we said farewell to our guest and had lunch, we rode our bikes to do a small errand for some other OMF missionaries at the mission's storage facility about 2.5 km from here, and then got groceries on our way home. It wasn't a fun ride: the wind was horribly strong and cold. But this was actually a much needed rest day, so we spent the rest of afternoon and evening lounging in front of the cricket (a rare women's multi-day cricket match, Aust. vs India).

Sunday

This was a pretty usual Sunday: left for church on our bikes at 10 am, ate lunch there, and got home by 3 pm—in time to hang-out online for a couple of hours with our kids.

I'm glad every week isn't like that, but also glad that some weeks are!

Be strong and do it

This week has been full of many words, most of them written. I've done a lot of editing, at times I've really struggled with the editing work I had to do, which included a lot of reading and making decisions about author's wishes as what I thought readers could read and understand. When people think of editing they often first think about grammar and spelling, but the work I have done this week was at a much higher level than that. It was really hard work, work that sometimes had me wondering if I was any good as an editor at all, and people in my vicinity have heard me call myself a "bear of little brain". In any case, I'm glad for respectful, gracious authors who were patient with me as I tried my best to do the work.

Be strong and do the work

Mid-way through the week I was also reading the end of 1 Chronicles, where King David was preparing for the end of his life and handing over reign to his son Solomon. The big thing that he didn't get to do in his lifetime was build a temple in Jerusalem. He really wanted to, but God said no. However he did a lot of preparation. 

In chapter 28 he is talking to the leaders of Israel. He charged the leaders as well as Solomon with the task of continuing to follow the commands of the Lord. 

He particularly addresses Solomon with the charge to "acknowledge the God of your father, and serve him with wholehearted devotion and with a willing mind, for the Lord searches every heart and understands every desire and every thought. if you seek him, he will be found by you; but if you forsake him, he will reject you for ever" (v. 9 NIV). Then he moves onto the task of building the temple and then he says the words that have resonated in my head all week: "Be strong and do the work" (v. 10).

I think I'm going to have to start calling this
Maidenhair Fern "Lazarus" because once again
it has nearly died and it's coming back to life again!

After a whole lot of detail about the plans for the temple, he says again to Solomon, 

Be strong and courageous, and do the work. Do not be afraid or discouraged, for the Lord God, my God, is with you. He will not fail you or forsake you until all the work for the service of the temple of the Lord is finished. (v. 20, my emphasis)

The phrase "be strong" actually appears 33 times in the NIV version of the Bible, most of them are exhortations from God to his people. Often it's "be strong and courageous", but also "be strong and take heart" which is similar.

Now of course I am not doing anything like building a worship building for God, I am not taking on massive leadership challenges, and nor inheriting a reign over a people chosen by God. So the parallels are a little hazy, but I do feel like it's applicable to our lives as Christians. Often we struggle with motivation or distraction or other things. Sometimes it helps to be reminded "be strong"—because God is with you and has promised to give you strength—and "do the work"—just get on with doing the hard thing, the next thing because it's what God's given you to do this day.

I don't know what hard thing God's given you for today. I'm anticipating my mental load today will be less than it's been for the last couple of weeks, merely because I did the hard work and those particular tasks are done, and the ones I anticipate doing today are probably easier. But I better get on with "doing the work", trust that God will give me all the strength I need to do all he has for me today.

It's a daily battle

Well, the last two blog posts have been really easy to write: from inside the writing retreat and then last week's wonderful news about our family. But today's isn't rolling off my fingers.

Last week I had a quiet week working at home with only one meeting. After a busy time at the retreat the previous week, it was good to counterbalance that with a more restful one. But it is when I'm not so busy, and also in the "slump" after a big, highly anticipated event, that doubts and negative thoughts start to creep into my mind.

Some of those internal voices I hear are words about how ineffective and useless I am, and you have to read that in the context of the organisation we're apart of and the reason we're in Japan. We're here because so few Japanese people follow Jesus. I talk and write about how important support ministry is (the name of the work that David and I are primarily involved in), but sometimes it feels like we're just not doing enough and by extension, are not enough. I think that is probably a common feeling amongst missionaries in this country. We don't talk about it much, but it's the big elephant in the room, and one reason that people burn out or fizzle out here.

Last week I felt particularly heavy-hearted about Japan as a nation (not about living here, but how tough a place it is for people to come to faith in Christ, and continue in that faith). In some weird way I found that sadness a comfort: Jesus himself wept over Jerusalem (Luke 19:41), surely he weeps over Japan too! It is right to be sad about those who don't know Christ.

But at the same time, I know we need to take heart and trust in God. He's got us (and our colleagues) here for a reason. Missionaries generally don't just decide to go off and "do stuff" in foreign countries, they are compelled by Scripture and the Holy Spirit to do this. It's hard to prove in black-and-white, but we're here due to an overwhelming sense that it's the right place to be serving God.

Earlier this week I saw this article "Tethering tightly" from A Life Overseas, and though the situation of the author differs from ours in various ways, she hits on some important points about persevering in this life of faith by thinking about the verse in John 15:

I am the vine, you are the branches; the one who remains in me, and I in him bears much fruit, for apart from me you can do nothing. (vs 5 NASB).

Here are some points that were good to be reminded of:

• Living abroad takes its toll. The layers of grief, hopes for the future, fatigue, and persevering through trials.
• We're called to remain steadfast in God, not to change our circumstances to get relief from our struggles or weakness.
• God is the vine, our stability in the midst of the constant changing human landscape. He's the only one who can truly satisfy us and strengthen us.
  
• I'm just a branch. I don't have all the answers or solutions. I'm part of it, but not expected to do everything or be everything.

  

  I also spent an hour with a new hairdresser as she
  tried to comprehend what I wanted to do with
  this unfamiliar "Western" hair. I think she did
  a good job in the end. I don't think I've ever had 
  someone try so hard. I learned a new, helpful
  word "nagamochi" which means "longlasting"
  and apparently can be applied to skinflint
  missionaries who don't want to pay for a haircut
  every other week!

• My job is mostly to remain in him and he will do the work, whatever work that he decides to do.
• It's simply not about me. About what I do, how I serve, what my productivity or lack of productivity is, what activities I do or complete, what things I tick off on my lists.

Please don't imagine that I've been curled up on the lounge in despair. I haven't! I've actually been moderately busy most days—writing, editing, reading, emailing, planning, thinking, etc. I could tell you several very encouraging things that happened in the last 10 days, not the least was, on Saturday, doing a bunch of baking for church, and getting a tonne of appreciation for that on Sunday! I also had a very encouraging time at a coffee shop with a new friend from church.

But it's a daily battle, isn't it? To keep our eyes fixed on Jesus. To remember that we're not the centre of the story. And to do our desperate best, despite our weak and distracted selves, to remain in Christ. Thankfully that's not up to us either. He's got us in a far more solid grasp than we'll ever be capable of.

Pondering the Biblical metaphor of shepherd and sheep

I often think of the scenes of
another book I read as a
child, Heidi, when I think of 
ancient shepherds. In that 
book the animals are goats,
but they have a goatherd who 
daily takes them up onto the
mountain slopes in Switzerland
and is charged with keeping 
them safe.
Image by Greg Montani from Pixabay

Recently at our church we heard a sermon about Jesus's statement "I am the good shepherd" (John 10:11 NIV). This metaphor is especially precious to me. It was one that God impressed on my heart as a young teenager, just as I was starting to question my since-childhood-faith. I think that, as a child, I felt a lot of pressure to "be good", so to know that I was cared for like a shepherd cares for their sheep was a great comfort. 

Shepherding was a common profession in Biblical times and is mentioned 118 times in the NIV version of the Bible.

This verse was particularly precious to me at a mid-pandemic individual mini retreat that I did in 2020:

He [the Sovereign Lord] tends his flock like a shepherd:
he gathers the lambs in his arms
and carries them close to his heart;
he gently leads those that have young. (Isaiah 40:11 NIV)

He holds us close to his heart: that's very intimate, like a parent holds a baby!

Here's another example of this metaphor:

The Lord their God will save his people on that day as a shepherd saves his flock. (Zechariah 9:16)

And of course the whole of Psalm 23, which starts with—"The Lord is my shepherd, I lack nothing".

Leaders of Israel are often referred to as shepherds, and often condemned as bad shepherds. 

God refers to himself as a shepherd (eg. Zechariah above).

Early in his ministry the Bible records that Jesus saw a large crowd and "had compassion on them, because they were harassed and helpless, like sheep without a shepherd." (Matt. 9:36 NIV).

There's a whole passage in John 10 about Jesus as a shepherd.

This benediction at the end of Hebrews:

Now may the God of peace, who through the blood of the eternal covenant brought back from the dead our Lord Jesus, that great Shepherd of the sheep. (Hebrews 13:20)

And in this passage, Peter urges his readers to live for God in a society that doesn't respect God's authority:

For ‘you were like sheep going astray,’ but now you have returned to the Shepherd and Overseer of your souls. (1 Peter 2:25)

Our pastor dwelt on what sheep are really like. Here are some characteristics (from memory):

• not good at making decisions or thinking for themselves, in fact renowned for doing "stupid" things,
• good at following the crowd and prone to wander,
• weak and vulnerable, without defence, and
• not beasts of burden.

We're compared to sheep multiple times in the Bible, but it's not necessarily complimentary! But what a comfort, that God knows how weak and "stupid" we are, and cares for us despite that.

During the sermon Psalm 121 also came up. It doesn't specifically mention sheep or shepherds, but the it's quite applicable to sheep-like creatures. Verse eight stood out to me: 

 "The Lord watches over your coming and going, both now and forevermore."

The other day, I came across this same combining of "shepherd" and "coming and going" in Numbers, in my daily Bible reading. It was coming to the end of Moses's life and he asked God for a successor to take over looking after the nation of Israel, who didn't yet have a permanent place to settle:

Moses said to the Lord, ‘May the Lord, the God who gives breath to all living things, appoint someone over this community to go out and come in before them, one who will lead them out and bring them in, so that the Lord’s people will not be like sheep without a shepherd.’ (Numbers 27:15–17)

Our pastor drew out the point that God watches over the daily coming and going that happens in our lives. Back in Biblical days, a shepherd, I'm told, slept across the doorway of the place where the sheep spent the night, so he was literally the door and in charge of when they came in and out of that shelter.

This same verse in Ps. 121 also came up at our mission's regional monthly prayer and fellowship gathering the very next day. Different angle on it, though, talking more about all the transition, hellos and goodbyes, which are ever present in the missionary's life. What a comfort to be reminded that God is right there beside us in all these.

I love a good word study...left on my own, it's often how I study the Bible. This metaphor has been a theme that God has periodically reminded me of over the years. I hope it's been an encouragement or help to you today.

It's still messy, but I think I am growing

I took time out of the house yesterday, mostly with the intention of making more progress in reading the book Awe and intentionally following up on thinking about some of things I wrote about in this blog post in September "It's messier than I like to admit". In that post I wrote that I was planning a followup...I've not managed that till now (and I'm just pondering where the last seven weeks have gone!).

Autumn colours in the park

I've been trying to come to terms with a less busy life. A life without boys at home is less busy. Both the ministry roles I've returned to this year are less intense now. A lot of what I've done in the past has been spread out amongst others, which is a good thing, but leaves me with wondering how to best use my time. But I'm also aware that, though I am not "old" yet, I am "less young" than I was 25 years ago when I started having the responsibility of children, and the reality of that is that I have less energy and take longer to recover.

So yesterday I rode to my favourite large park, but was very distracted by how chilly it was (around 18C). I'd neglected to put on appropriately warm clothing as the day before had been quite warm (25C inside). The weather and the seasons are messing with me! Last Friday I had a conversation with some American friends and it became clear how messed up I was. 

This calendar year started with a Queensland summer. We accelerated our descent into winter by heading south in mid-March and our month (April) in Tasmania in an unheated motorhome was quite chilly. Then we drove back north to a more moderate Queensland winter! In July we accelerated into summer by flying north, going from around 2 degrees Celsius to 30 C in just one day. The next two months were full-on summer and since mid September we've gradually been descending into winter again. 

Add to that that we're just still figuring out how to weather the seasons in our new apartment, which has both more sunlight and more insulation than our previous abode. So we often have difficulty accurately judging how outside will feel before we get there. This is made worse by the structure of a Japanese home: in that, to properly go outside, you have to put shoes on, at which point the inside of the house (and clothing) is no longer accessible to you...unless you take your shoes off (or take other measures, that you might have seen illustrated in OMF Japan's social media post a few weeks back, if not, then I recommend checking it out here). 

But I digress. The problem with my conversation was that if I started using seasons to anchor my story, I was instantly in trouble. For example, "We came back [to Tokyo] in the summer, but will be heading back [to Australia] to a summer wedding in January." followed by "We're also planning to go back to Australia next summer (but it will be winter there)." Americans tend to call the middle of the year "the summer" as an overall term for "long school holidays", whereas Australias call our long summer holiday period "Christmas" or "Chrissy holidays" or "Christmas and New Year" or "End of the year." And so it's all a confused mess. So, in the conversation, I started using calendar anchors, rather than seasons!

Anyway, back to trying to read my book in the park: I spent ages trying to make up my mind about what I'd do about feeling too cold. I ended up eating lunch and riding to a coffee shop in a familiar shopping centre on my way back home. It wasn't ideal as it was much noisier than the park, but at least it wasn't home where there are so many other distractions.

I tend to process things better when I write (or talk), but I didn't take my computer or any people with me. Only the book, my phone, and a pencil and notebook. So I'm going to do some processing here.

The book is full of thought provoking stuff. It's key point is that human beings are hardwired for "awe". The problem is we were created to be in awe of God, but because of sin find it impossible, and the awe of God is very quickly replaced by awe of self. He's saying that "awe lies at the bottom of a whole range of human struggles". Nothing else satisfies our awe-wired existence, and thus we end up angry, lonely, disappointed, addicted, bitter, etc. We are self-centred, feel entitled, or experience relational dysfunction, seek to control people, live in fear or envy or drivenness or exhaustion. Tripp traces all these things back to our "awe problem".

In relation to the purpose of my ministry now that life is running at a slower pace, I was struck (in September) by: "Ministry is meant to be something bigger than completing a list of tasks" (p. 49. Ouch. He continues, "You have been called to the high position of making the invisible glory of God visible to people who quickly lose sight of God's glory and begin to look for glories elsewhere (Psalm 145:4).

In many ways he's writing to himself, but also to us all. All Christians are "in ministry" whether paid or not. We are all called to point others to God's glory. If we were all doing this for each other, we would be a more effective community.

It's easy to get very discouraged by all of this, because Tripp goes to great lengths to tell us that we can't help ourselves. On our own we can't fix this. However, God can.

Only when the awe of God rules your heart will you have joy even when people disappoint you and life gets hard. Awe means your heart will be filled more with a sense of blessing than with a sense of want. . . remember that he [God] is so rich in grace that he will never turn a deaf ear to your cries (p 105-106).

We all question God's character, and, despite the theology that we say we believe, we struggle to live that way "at street level". We wonder if God is good, if he is in control, does he have the power to help us, does he even care? Yep, I have these thoughts too (witness it in this blog post from this time last year). Therefore it was reassuring to read this:

God alone will never leave you...he never sends you without going with you. He is your protector, guide, defender, teacher, savior, and healer. He never mocks your weakness but gives you strength...His care is so awesome and so complete that nothing in your life's experience in any way compares." p 105

None of this is new to me. But I keep forgetting, so it is good to be reading a book that reminds me (and of course the Bible is riddled with such reassurances). Not remembering these things leads to discontent and complaints. And it's so easy for complaints to slip into our thoughts and conversation.

You can't do that work of awe reclamation on your own. You desperately need grace—but you and I are called to treasure that work and to pursue and participate in it any way we can. And we are called to humbly admit our need and again and again run to the grace that stands as our only hope of personal growth and change. (p. 129)

So I guess yesterday was partly about me running back to my saviour and admitting my need for his help. Help to grow, to know how to walk with him in this new season, and to fix eyes on him so that my awe is directed towards him again, instead of my own "kingdom of one".

God sent me to Japan again in July. He came with me and he has a purpose for me here in this new season, with all my weaknesses and foibles. I need to trust him . . . still and again! Possibly I'll look back at some time in the future and know what that purpose is (though I suspect it won't be one simple thing). Right now my job is to do my best each day, with God's grace, to point others towards his glory, however that looks in my life and with the strengths and skills that he gave me.

I hope this makes sense to you. I am not sure I can make it any better at this time! I am planning to finish the last three chapters of the book before the end of the year. Maybe I'll write again after I read those, maybe I won't. Perhaps you'll see the outworking of God in my life and writing without me consciously trying to pry it out of my head?

Expectations

Expectations play a big part in how we experience life.

One example is weather. We had a dinner party on Saturday night with three American friends. They all come from a cold part of the US. One of them experienced his first Tokyo winter earlier this year and he didn't feel it was cold enough! In contrast I had an online meeting last week with a young Filipino lady who visited Japan for a month early this year. I asked her how the cold weather was for her! She didn't come with any winter clothes (she didn't own any)! Thankfully she was able to get some here. She also saw snow for the first time and was amazed. Tokyo's winter was well and truly cold enough for her!

The contrasts in the above two stories aren't with who these people are, but the differences were their expectations which were shaped by life experiences.

Likewise, our 19 years of experience with Tokyo summers have led us to expect that the weather will cool down in early September—but this year it didn't, not until the 22nd! My expectations, sadly, made me unsettled and unhappy as I waited for the weather to change.

So why have expectations come to mind to write about today? Because as we've come into this new chapter of our lives I realise that I've held various expectations, and worse, imagined that other people had expectations of us. I don't think I've been living up to my expectations and certainly feel as though I fall short of what I imagine others expect of me.

Interestingly, as I've thought about this today I've had two sides to the "coin" brought to my attention:

Side 1: You're robbing God

Over lunch I listened to the sermon that was presented at our home church in Australia. It was on Malachi 3:3-12, entitled "Robbing God". It looked at how the Israelites were not giving God what was owed to him (the tithes and offerings he had told them to bring). In short, the application to us today was–are we robbing God by not generously giving. This isn't just in money, but in time and capacity. How can I serve God? Is my life a testimony to his goodness? 

Romans 12:1 "Therefore, I urge you, brothers and sisters, in view of God’s mercy, to offer your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and pleasing to God – this is your true and proper worship."

Many sermons and books and other things we say to one another are along this line: you're not good enough, you're not trying hard enough, you're not committed enough. My tendency towards rule keeping and wanting not to disappoint others (first born child?!) means I often end up beating myself up on this front.

Side 2: God's grace

This morning I read an article by a missionary in Japan. She wrote: "I regularly wrestle with wondering if God is disappointed in me." So do I! The article she wrote is here and is about the time when in a small Bible study with a couple of Japanese believers, she saw a different side of the Parable of the Workers that Jesus told (in Matthew 20:1-16). It's a story that showcases God's generosity, but also challenges our right to question God's choices. She was impressed that God's grace is not connected with our capacity to serve him, that God loves us and accepts us anyway.

My thoughts go to other places in the Bible that say similar things like:

Isaiah 40 where we're told God knows how frail we are and that our faithfulness doesn't endure (vs 6-8), and yet he holds us close like a shepherd holds a lamb to his chest (vs 11).

Mauve dancing ladies ginger, 
spotted in Geelong Botanical
Gardens in May. Isaiah 40
compares us to flowers that fall.
It's good to remember!

Psalm 103:13-14 Which talks about how God has compassion on us because he remembers we are "made of dust".

Psalm 139 which tells us that God knows even our secret thoughts and he knew us before we were born, he created us just as he wanted us to be, yet he also never leaves us, he always guides us and "holds us fast".

1 Corinthians 1:26-29 where it talks about how God chose (to be his disciples) the foolish, weak, low, and despised.

What are God's expectations of us? And, which of these two sides should we choose? Well, I say we need to choose both. Because, like many things, they are both true. It's not a black and white situation, though my small mind wants to make it so.

I both need to strive to obey God and do my best to offer my best to him, but I also need to rest in his grace, to know that he accepts me even when I don't meet my own (or my perception of others') expectations. My own bent is to be very hard on myself, so I probably need to lean towards the second side of the coin to counterbalance the "being good to earn God's approval" mentality that I so easily slip into.

How about you? Which of these is easier for you? How do you keep a balanced attitude to your expectations of yourself?

Trying to keep my eyes off the problem

Our daily prayers are full of "please God, we need certain things to be in place so that we can do what we perceive you want to us to do, but we're struggling to trust that you're going to come through on this. Please help us to trust, and forgive us for our lack of faith." 

Trusting God for our future is the overwhelming challenge I've got right now, and if you've been reading my blog you'll know that that tussle has been going on for some time. In fact I hesitate to write about it again, because it feels like I'm just a clanging gong, with only one topic.

I know that he's in control and that he loves me and will work out his purposes, that he will never leave us and that whatever happens is will work out for our good and his glory, but I struggle to stay in that posture of trust.

Prayer

Which brings me to the topic of prayer. The ladies at our home church (Grace Christian Church Redbank Plains) have started working through a book called A Praying Life: Connecting with God in a Distracting World by Paul E. Miller. Someone lent me the book late last year and with all the free time I've had, I've managed to read it all before we began discussing it. Last week's gathering, though, made me uncomfortably aware that my experience of prayer and those of many Australian Christians, is vastly different. I'm not boasting here, in fact I hesitate to write about my prayer life because Jesus told us to be quiet about our prayers (Luke 18:9–14; Matthew 6:5–6). My purpose here is just to show you what being a missionary with a Christian missionary organisation can be like.

Prayer is everywhere in our work. It's part of almost every meeting: large or small. It's not uncommon to be in the middle of a gathering and be asked to "turn to the person next to you and pray about these matters". For a few years I used to attend up to several prayer meetings each month with other parents at school (CAJ).

Additionally, I write a prayer/newsletter each month and are often asked by several different geographical (Japan, Australia, Queensland) branches of our organisation for prayer points. We receive regular prayer letters and prayer documents from those same branches, as well as from several missionaries who we pray for in more detail.

It adds up to a lot and boils down to an overall expectation by our organisation that we'll be personally praying for a lot, including our 120+ colleagues with OMF Japan and 70+ colleagues at CAJ. Not to mention 100+ OMF Australian colleagues. David and I have a system that enables us to pray for a good number of these people (though not everyone every day) and we do this before breakfast most days.

In addition to all the above, I have three friends who I can shoot a quick request: "Please pray, this is happening..., or "Please pray, I feel..." I have a few others who I sometimes will ask for specific prayer. And they do the same to me.

Over the years, steeped in this prayer-full environment, one of my first reactions when something difficult happens, is to ask certain people to pray, to share the burden, even if I can't find the words or energy to pray for myself.

From what I've observed, I don't think the above is the experience is common. It makes me feel amazingly blessed. People sometimes say, I don't know how you do what you do. Well, I would say it's primarily because of all this prayer. Yes, we pray for others, but we also have hundreds of people (potentially) praying for us, many of whom we've never met.

Right now a lot of people are praying for our sons. The prayers for one of them has been answered: he's found a house in a good location and housemates, he's also got a short-term job that will bolster his bank account. But we're waiting on answers for the other son, the one who has had an especially rough road over the last few years. Our hearts ache, but we're being bolstered by many who pray for us. And wait . . . and wait . . . and wait . . . to tell you, and many others, the answers to those prayers.

Like a grasshopper

Image by Marc Pascual from Pixabay

This morning I was reminded of a Bible story that impacted me at a camp in my last year of high school. We spent time looking at Numbers 13 and 14, the story of the 12 Israelite spies that were sent to check out the land that God was taking them to. They came back bearing amazing fruit from the land, but also stories about how impossible it would be for the Israelites to invade the land (which is what they assumed they'd have to do). They emphasised how big and strong those living in the land were. They used this metaphor: "We seemed like grasshoppers in our own eyes, and we looked the same to them."

Two of the 12 men, Caleb and Joshua, opposed the others, saying that if this was God's plan, he would do it: "The Lord is with us. Do not be afraid of them." They focused on God, not on the problem. So often I focus on the problem!

The story continues with all the Israelites latching onto the bad report and complaining, suggesting it would be better to go back to Egypt (and, one assumes, the captivity that awaited them there). The Bible records an interesting interaction between God and Moses. God complains to Moses about the Israelites, a cites a plan to destroy the whole nation and push on with Moses and his descendants. Moses pushes back and points out that the nations would see what's happened and assume that God couldn't do what he set out to do. He appeals to God's character and asks him to show his strength by forgiving the Israelites. God relents, but his new plan is that none of those 20 or older who were counted in the census earlier on their journey would enter the Promised Land, except Caleb and Joshua, and that it would be 40 more years of wandering in the wilderness.

When Moses reported this to the people, they mourned, said they'd sinned, and decided to go to invade the Promised Land anyway, the very next day. Much like when I was a kid and tried to get out of a punishment after being caught. And yep, they went and got beaten, because God wasn't with them.

It's an extraordinary story. I feel like a grasshopper just now. I did back in year 12 too, when I was facing the end of high school and all the unknowns of the following year. I rather think God prefers that we feel like grasshoppers and so rely on him for strength, rather than our own.

It's a story that shows us how serious God takes grumbling against him. But also shows how a plan won't succeed if it's going against God's plans. For sure there's a lot I don't know about God and his guidance and leading, I'm no expert at all, just a lay person reading my Bible. But also a person seeking to follow God's will. I'm prone to be impatient and to grumble about God's timing, yet I'm also trying to trust God in the midst of it all. Keeping my eyes focused on God instead of the problem is probably the key, just like it was in this story as well as the story of David and Goliath!

Are you facing a giant of a problem right now? How do you keep your eyes off the problem and fixed on God?

Figuring out what God wants me to do

A close friend recently sent me a link to a very helpful Facebook post. It’s written by Martyn Iles, an Australia Christian who has had an unusually public profile in recent years (in Australia Christians don’t typically get much press). Who he is isn’t as important as the wise things he’s written, so I won’t write any more about him. He wrote this in a Facebook post, but sharing a Facebook post is only helpful if someone has a Facebook profile, so I’ve copied the text here (for my future reference, if nothing else):

How can I know what God would have me do?

When I speak to people personally, some variant of this question is possibly the most common question I am asked.

There is a four principled decision making framework which has never failed me yet.

Importantly, all four principles are to be discerned in the context of sincere prayer about the decision.

1. Circumstances

Your circumstances will change (or not), without your manipulation or control, in a way that enables or reveals the right course of action. Because God is sovereign and works providentially.

2. Scripture

If you are a habitual student of scripture, it is likely that your reading and study will speak into your circumstances in a way that confirms the right course of action. Because God speaks to us reliably in His word.

3. Peace

It may take time - it's often the final confirmation - but ultimately you will be at peace about the right decision. That is to say, it may be hard or daunting, but your conscience will quietly confirm it. Because the Spirit of God works in our conscience.

4. Patience

Wait. Wait. Wait. Wait. Wait!!!! STOP RUSHING! The scriptures are packed full with exhortations to "wait on the Lord." There are countless examples of God's slowness in the face of our hurry. Learn the discipline of patience or you will constantly make bad decisions. And you will *never* be worse off, or miss out, because you were patient. If you do, it just means it was never meant to be.

Now, you can be mistaken on one of the above - misreading circumstances, wrongly applying scripture, etc - but it is utterly unusual to be wrong about all four at the same time, especially in the context of patience and prayer.

When all four line up, that tends to be when I act. But often they don't, so I simply resist action, which is very hard.

Now, for matters of very great importance, I may have thought that all four principles were in alignment, yet the gravity of the decision was such that I was still reticent to make it.

In such circumstances, you can do a Gideon. You can pray for special confirmation and clarity - a "fleece." In His grace, God is ordinarily willing to provide it.

The alternative to the above is to plan your own way and make your own decisions, and expect God to catch up. That simply is not a life of faith. (End of the quote)

_____________

(Very annoyed right now because I've just lost several paragraphs here that I'd written here the other day...so on to to remembering what I wrote...)

What we see on earth is but a poor reflection of
what's truly going on (a much worse image than
we see here in a photo of the pond in the Japanese
garden at Mt Coot-tha).

I imagine that many people think that the decision of becoming a missionary must be one of the biggest we've ever made and that other decisions would be easy in comparison. While I could write much about the original decision, I will just say that there have been quite a number of times since then where decision making (and waiting for God's plan) has been hard.

A sample of times when this has seemed especially true in the last 25 years:

• When we were working towards to come to Japan and it took longer than we’d hoped
• When there was no teaching position for David in Japan for five years after we made ourselves available for that
• When my Japanese language ability never made it to a level suitable for working in it
• When I spent more time with sick kids than in doing any kind of outside ministry (or language learning) in our first term in Japan
• When our attempts to help our eldest learn Japanese language and culture by enrolling him in a Japanese primary school failed (we had to move him out after just 15 months)
• When we nearly didn’t get back to Japan in a timely fashion five years ago due to financial reasons
• When one of our sons encountered difficulties significant enough to derail our plan of moving him to Australia in 2021

Right now, as I've mentioned before, we're walking through the situation of seeking affordable rental accommodation for our younger two sons so that they can carry on their lives here while we head back to Japan. For various reasons we want to do that sooner rather than later.

What adds to the difficulty of this is not just that the rental system is under great stress here, but that our "public" lives mean that we've asked lots of people to pray about it, including our church. And people keep wanting updates. I want to jump straight to the end of the chapter and tell them a "success" story . . . but it's taking a while.

I really appreciated the wise older gentleman in our church who asked me last month, "Are you making progress?" 

This was a gentle and discerning way to ask and I could answer a wholehearted "YES". I felt encouraged, rather than needing to explain where we were up to and why we hadn't "succeeded" yet.

Back to the earlier quote, I really appreciate the emphasis on "wait". I am not naturally good at that, in general I tend to barrel ahead at considerable speed. Though I'd have to say that I have grown in this area in the decades since I became an adult. This particular waiting seems to be trying my patience and trust in God more than usual. But I'm trying hard to keep my eyes on Jesus.

I had coffee with a new friend this morning and we reflected on how we often don't know why God is doing something, or what his timing is, but we need to trust him regardless because he's so much wiser, more loving, and more powerful than us. That his thinking isn't the same as ours is clearly seen throughout the Bible, but perhaps no clearer than in the book of Job.

Here are a couple of verses I found along this line:

God’s voice thunders in marvellous ways; he does great things beyond our understanding.  (Jobe 27:5 NIV)

‘For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways,’ declares the Lord. ‘As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts.' (Is. 55:8–9)

So, we still await the end of this chapter of transitioning our sons to accommodation separate from us. It's going to be a good one! I can't wait to tell you about it!

Looking ahead to 2024

Image by Gordon Johnson from Pixabay

It is my habit at the start of January to look ahead to the next 12 months in my first blog post of the year. Of course I can't predict what will happen or how it will turn out! And what better reminder of that uncertainty when we watch Japan live through more disasters only hours after we've wished everyone a "happy new year"!

Despite that, it's useful to both look ahead and also look back. 

One example of how this reflecting and anticipating can help is that when I look back at this time last year I remember that 2023 looked like a lot of hard work. Plus there were lots of things that we really didn't know how we were going to achieve and I felt anxious about. But now that the year is over I realise that we did make it through all of that, with God's help. Yes it was hard, but also there were good surprises along the way (like the house we're living in and the furniture we're using) and many of the disasters that I imagined never occurred. With this in mind I can approach 2024 knowing that, though there's hard work ahead and some things that seem impossible, time next year I'll hopefully be able to look back and have the same realisation: that God's walked with us through it all and provided all that we've needed.

We see it in the Bible too: God encouraged the Israelites to look back at what he'd done for them in the past and to trust that he'll work again on their behalf in the future. This is stated very clearly in Deuteronomy 7:

You may say to yourselves, ‘These nations are stronger than we are. How can we drive them out?’ But do not be afraid of them; remember well what the Lord your God did to Pharaoh and to all Egypt. You saw with your own eyes the great trials, the signs and wonders, the mighty hand and outstretched arm, with which the Lord your God brought you out. The Lord your God will do the same to all the peoples you now fear. (vv. 17–19 NIV)

It's also a theme in the New Testament. Jesus told his disciples in the Last Supper to remember him by doing this (which is where the Lord's Supper we celebrate in churches today comes from). In the book of Hebrews we're encouraged to persevere in the faith, backed up by a lengthy list of those who have gone before us (who didn't even know the story of Jesus). 

So remembering the past can help us as we face the future. Given what I reflected on last week in my end of year blog post, I certainly will be trying to be more serious about not worrying.

I noticed a small thing in this passage I was listening to the other day:

Then Jesus said to his disciples: ‘Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat; or about your body, what you will wear. For life is more than food, and the body more than clothes. Consider the ravens: they do not sow or reap, they have no storeroom or barn; yet God feeds them. And how much more valuable you are than birds! Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to your life? Since you cannot do this very little thing, why do you worry about the rest?' (Luke 12:23–26 NIV UK)

We think that by worrying we can extend our lives (or the lives of others), but that's obviously not God's perspective. From his perspective adding an hour to our lives is a "very little thing". The difference between us and God is so huge and he understands that better than we do! So, since I can't even do this very little thing, I think that giving up worrying is a worthy goal, not just for 2024, but for the rest of my life. I'm certain that I will fail again and again, but with God's help I surely can improve on what I've done up till now!

Coming months

The coming couple of months probably includes us moving into the era of couple-dom again. I'm actively avoiding the usual term for this stage. We'll be parents of independently living adults, which is what we've been working towards for the last 24 years!

 It's a stage that is worth acknowledging, but also a stage that is full of so much potential and not just "emptiness". But obviously a huge change from living with our guys and interacting with them on a daily basis, so it will be an adjustment that will take some time.

Our hope and plan is to return to Japan in July to the roles we had there last year (or approximately those roles, some changes will hopefully come to pass). Before then we have some travel planned in Australia, including a big trip to take advantage of Australia's amazing long-service provision (paid leave to reward a long period of service with the same organisation). You will hear plenty about that as I hope to write an online diary of our travels like I have for our long camping journeys in the past.

As for what happens after July? When we get back to Japan we plan to move into a small apartment near the school in western Tokyo. Yes, we've already seen this apartment (first time we've seen a future place of accommodation in person since 2005)! And we are looking forward to having fun exploring all sorts of new possibilities that being a couple provides. We first arrived in Japan in 2000 with a 20-month old and have done our entire missionary journey overseas with children in our care, so this is indeed a very new chapter.

It's another year that involves a long, multi-stage international move, though it's always physically easier moving out of Australia because we haven't been here so long and have less stuff. Much of the larger items we use go back to owners or find new owners. We haven't moved into a new house in Japan in 14 years, though, so that will be different, but moving without little children is definitely easier (even if we'll be missing the strength of our young adult sons).

Sadly it's another year that involves many goodbyes. But there are also many who we're looking forward to seeing again in Japan. It's never easy emotionally for me to move, and saying goodbye to Australia is an act of the will, rather than an overly eager spirit.

Many things I did in 2023 I will continue to do in 2024. This was my list from 12 months ago:

• regularly walk with my husband (I averaged about 2.5 km a day last year)
• study Japanese
• read lots of books
• listen to English sermons at least once a week
• stay in touch with close friends regularly, and when I can, in person
• bake
• writing

Much of this remains true of my intentions for 2024, I don't have as much time alone in Australia, so I listen to less podcasts and sermons (and get an English sermon in person most Sundays). I don't have a current writing project or specific writing goal for 2024, though have submitted an application to be part of a writing team for the year . . . I haven't heard back on that yet, so we'll see. I've got vague prof. dev. reading goals while I'm in Australia, but again will try to read 100 books in the year (mostly fiction for relaxation, I read fast and rely on books to help me relax before sleeping). I mentioned 12 months ago that I'd picked up cross-stitch again, and I'm still working on that, but it's a complex design and I'm finding it slow going.

That's enough. I look ahead to 2024 with this:

I will say of the Lord, ‘He is my refuge and my fortress, my God, in whom I trust.’ (Psalm 91:2 NIV)

Remembering God's compassion and grace

Early in the year, I wrote about focusing my thoughts on Psalm 103, particularly as we work our way through this crazy year. But almost immediately after I wrote that we galloped into three big wrestling tournaments over a period of just 18 days and the madness had begun. Now we're nearly into June, the sixth month of the year! 

This week a close friend reminded me of Psalm 103, so I want to lean into it today, just before we head deeper into the end-of-high-school-and-life-as-parents-of-school-aged-kids craziness that next week holds (and yes, I know that's a ridiculous phrase).

I have frequently felt frail in the last five months. Last week was a rough week for me physically and it took longer than a weekend to recover from it, and I'm still struggling with energy as we head into another weekend. It's been a comfort to remember that God doesn't expect me to be strong.

As a father has compassion on his children,
    so the Lord has compassion on those who fear him;
14 for he knows how we are formed,
    he remembers that we are dust.
15 The life of mortals is like grass,
    they flourish like a flower of the field;
16 the wind blows over it and it is gone,
    and its place remembers it no more. (Ps. 103:13–16, NIV)

This psalm is actually full of praise for God's compassion. It talks about his justice, forgiveness, healing, and redemption, that he's slow to anger and gracious. That he satisfies us and renews us. And most of all that he is "abounding in love." It's hard for us to grasp how much he loves us, so the psalmist writes "as high as the heavens are above the earth, so great is his love" for us. In Ephesians, Paul prays that we might have the power "to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ." That’s a lot of love! Taking Paul's lead, I often pray this for people I know.

I was recently reminded of how quickly we humans jump to judgement, anger, and revenge. I was reminded of my tendency to be a law-keeper and how quickly I judge myself very harshly when I break rules (or get caught breaking rules), or even when I make mistakes that hurt others or don't measure up to my high standards. And how that grace-less attitude flows over into judging others. But God reminded me of Psalm 130, in particular vs. 3 and 4:

If you, Lord, kept a record of sins,
Lord, who could stand?
But with you there is forgiveness,
so that we can, with reverence, serve you.

Psalm 103 also reflects God's gracious heart. God:

• forgives all your sins (v. 3)
• is slow to anger (v. 8)
• will not always accuse (v. 9)
• will not harbour his anger forever (v. 9)
• does not treat us as our sins deserve or repay us according to our iniquities (v. 10) 
• has removed our transgressions from us, as far as the east is from the west (v. 12)

How comforting it is to know that I have a heavenly Father who is completely able to meet our needs and forgive our sins. Unlike an earthly king, the Lord God is all-powerful, all-knowing, and without limits in the love he has for me and all who he calls his.

As we move ever closer to leaving for our fifth home assignment my sleep is gradually getting more erratic. I find myself awake at random hours, with worry running through my head. My subconscious provides entertainment in the depths of the night: problems that need to be solved (but perhaps not by me and certainly not in bed at 2 a.m.) and even totally fictional problems that my subconscious has made up (like that exam I forgot to prepare for, or the plane that I nearly missed). This, in turn, is making my energy during the day more erratic. I hate this. But I can't escape who I am. All I can do is repeatedly turn my eyes to Jesus and remember his great compassion and love.

One night in the last week a problem that arose at work plagued my thoughts at an ugly hour, I couldn't let go of the circular thoughts running through my head. I just had to say to God: you need to solve this one, I can't do it now, I probably can't do it later either. In the days that followed that middle-of-the-night cry for help, the problem was solved. To God be the glory!

The other thing that can plague me at times of transition is seeking security in things that aren't really secure: like the promise of accommodation or a car to use in Australia. We've just given notice to our landlord on our house in Japan, after nearly 13 years! But we don't know where we'll next truly unpack our suitcases, nor what car we will drive. There are a lot of unknowns in the coming 12 months. But no amount of worry is going to solve those problems. Yesterday afternoon an email in my inbox from ThriveConnection.com reminded me of how easy it is at times of transition to put my hope in things that only provide a false sense of security. When I do that I forget the only true security is in God, who cannot be shaken.

And . . . I’m back to the lesson God’s been teaching me over these last few years: trust him. No matter what the present or future looks like, trust him.

This song grabbed my attention this morning, and drove me to tears. Maybe it’ll be a comfort to you today too: Desert Road by Casting Crowns