The Lord himself goes before you

The workshop I've written about in recent posts has finished. I'm so happy to be at the other end of it. It's been lovely to get back to work at my usual tasks and really enjoy the largely uninterrupted time! Yes, I've had no meetings this week, tonnes of work, but no meetings. I've got several meetings tomorrow, and next week have the equivalent of two days of meetings, so we'll just count up till now.

I'm just not sure what to write here today. The bigger picture of our lives is that our personal future has become more uncertain over the last year. Of course we never know what the future holds, but our plan has always been, for 21 years, to stay in Japan until we retired, unless the Lord called us to something different. We're not so sure now, but maybe God will call us to return to Australia for a period? It relates to our responsibilities as parents. I can't divulge more than that on this public platform, which means it's hard to write about. It's not the most comfortable of positions because we're both feeling very settled and happy in our various roles. But it is a question we will carry into the rest of this year and probably through next year also. 

So, we learn more about patience and waiting on the Lord. He called us to this life in Japan, he's sustained us thus far, and he will continue to do the same, whatever the next chapter of our lives looks like. 

I just keep coming back to a beautiful card that arrived in mid January. It came from an elderly lady I can't remember ever meeting. She knew my mum when my mum was a nurse-in-training 50 years ago! This elderly lady send us this verse, along with her letter and reassurance of her prayers. She doesn't know the specifics of our situation, but her gift was definitely on point.

Not feeling festive?

How do you “do” Christmas when you’re not “feeling festive”? 

Now I understand that my life is really quite different to many of yours in this respect. I do not live near family and will not be celebrating Christmas with them. In fact I’ve celebrated very few Christmases with my family in the last 21 years! So I don’t really have much experience of all the pressure that families put on one another at this time of year.

I also live in a land where “Christmas” isn’t an overwhelming factor in life. I remember being surprised to see Christmas everywhere in Australia last time I was there in December (2018). The receptionist at the doctor was all decked out in Christmas gear. The pharmacy next door gave me my medication in a red paper bag covered in white stars and Christmas greetings. In Japan you have to work a bit harder to find such things, and mostly it’s in shops, churches, and of course in my own home. Before the pandemic we saw more at our school, with weekly concerts, decorated hallways, lights on the grounds etc. But I’m rarely at school these days and because I don’t have kids in music programs, I’m not invited to concerts.

People in church-based ministries (not our family) are usually very busy this time of year, as Christmas is the easiest time of the year in Japan to invite people to hear about Jesus, so there are lots of events. Not so much these last two years, though.

In fact in Japan, if you aren’t a self-starter, you might miss Christmas altogether. It can be a little lonely if you’re used to celebrating with family. But we’ve got our small family routines and traditions that mean it’s just a quiet, at-home affair.

But back to my first question: how do you deal with the season if you aren’t in the mood for festivity? 

A couple of weeks ago I struggled to get my head into the right place to come up with social media posts for our mission for December. I wasn’t feeling festive. I think, even beginning to feel a little jaded. I mentioned this to a couple of friends and one later shared this short article that helped: https://m.facebook.com/547967600/posts/10157506078937601/?d=n

It’s just a Facebook post, so I’m not sure if you can read it. To summarize. The author’s family was tasting grief and she went to a candlelight service at their church as she usually did. She writes: 

I felt like an imposter. I was a cloud of grief and darkness amidst a cheerful celebration. I felt guilty for dampening the time of rejoicing 

As I sat I found myself talking to Jesus. "I'm ruining your party," I told him. 

It was his response in that moment that changed Christmas for me forever. He told me, “Cassie I came to that manger as a baby not for those in celebration, but for those in mourning. I came for you. In this moment. Right here.”

She’s right. Jesus came, not to be celebrated with tinsel and shallow joy. He came because this world is in pain. We are hurting and needed him to come to comfort us, to save us.

So, I girded my loins and pushed on to do the usual things we do at this time of year. Not with a light heart, because it’s not been a light year. I continue to grieve the losses, to feel the sadness and confusion, the frustration and angst. But I also remember my Saviour who actually chose to enter this sad, confusing, painful world for me. He didn’t have to. I don’t know what kind of grief he felt leaving the fellowship of the Trinity for life in a human body. It’s beyond my understanding. But because he did, I choose to trust him and celebrate him.

I’m thankful that we don’t live in a place where we have to do lots of events just because it is December and that’s what you do. I’m glad for the quiet of the season that’s coming, when school finishes and we have a brief hiatus before the craziness of January begins. I’m hopeful that I can spend time resting in the love of Jesus, waiting on him.

(And I tried multiple times and ways to get a photo to load on this post, but could not. Sigh.)

Surprise in the mail at just the right time

In recent months I have mentioned a friend going through a rough time. I have her permission to tell you an amazing story from this month.

She is part of a trio of friends we call RAW. We've been friends for many years, but only in the last 18 months have formed this group and keep in almost daily contact via Messenger (they both live in south-east Queensland). Not long after we decided to be more intentional about staying in touch with one another we each encountered significant difficulties, including: our family who were told we couldn't return to Japan at that time and my friend's 12 y.o. son was diagnosed with brain cancer.

In mid-January this year, just after his 13th birthday, he transitioned into palliative care. We've been walking with her (virtually, in my case) through this horrid, yet incredible journey.

On the morning of March 4 she wrote to us that she'd been reciting to herself out loud in a car journey on her own: "He's dying, he's dying" to try to grasp the reality of it all. That really hit hard for me. She and I both have over 20 years of parenting under our belts and we've always seen our kids recover from illnesses, but it clearly wasn't going to happen (aside from divine intervention) at that point, and that was hard to get our heads around.

That same day I drove into the mountains with a van full of ladies for a two-night retreat. I fear that they wondered if I'd be able to cope with the two-hour drive, as I was a bit undone when I picked them all up.

That evening at the retreat I was able to spend time in prayer about this situation with a missionary colleague. She is no stranger to watching loved ones die and we poured out our hearts together (with no lack of tears on my part). 

Later I wandered over to the area where a small jewellery stall was set up. This is no ordinary jewellery. It is the outworking of a ministry called Nozomi Project. (I wrote about it a couple of years ago here—this link included a TED talk video by the founder.) "Nozomi" means hope in Japanese and it is a project set up "to bring sustainable income, community, dignity and hope" to women who suffered great loss in the 2011 triple disaster. That disaster claimed, that in a matter of minutes, the lives of around 16,000 people and destroyed or damaged over a million buildings, leaving hundreds of thousands displaced. The jewellery features broken pieces of pottery left in the wake of the tsunami and other up-cycled pottery.

Their tag line is "beauty in brokenness" and fitted the situation with my friend so well that I thought it would be fitting to buy her a present.

I tucked the earrings away in my bag to deal with later and got on with that retreat, and then the writers' retreat that followed straight on afterwards. I got home from those four nights so exhausted that it took a week to recover, meanwhile the earrings sat in a pile waiting to be dealt with. I asked my other RAW friend what she thought I should do: send the earrings as a surprise, or let her know they were coming. Her response was: 

"Surprises are always nice...I'd go with that...We can pray that they arrive just when she needs a nice surprise in the mail...God can arrange it."

On March 16, more than ten days after I'd bought them, I finally got to the post office and mailed them.

On Monday this week (23rd) my friend's son died. Great sadness as well as great relief. He testified to his strong faith in God until he could talk no longer. A great joy and challenge to all who watched this journey.

On Tuesday, while our family were camping, I received a strange photo from the friend who had suggested we pray for God's timing. It was of our friend opening a small parcel. On closer inspection, I saw it was about the size of the parcel I'd sent eight days earlier.

And yes, not only had the beautiful earrings arrive a day after my friend's son died, but our mutual RAW friend was present to witness it and tell her the whole story.

We cried tears of joy "together". She wrote:

"A gift that kindles a flame of joy for all of us in dark times . . . just wish I could give you a real hug to express it! . . . I love the symbolism of a God using fragments to further his story of gracious blessing to us in our frailty."

When I asked permission to tell the story here, she wrote: 

"Sure. Go for it. Whatever you think needs to be told to give glory to the Great Orchestrator."

So, trusting him in the small things, and the big things. This was such an encouragement to the three of us. It amazed me that I, who couldn't be there to hug and help my friend through her struggles (I only was able to be with her once during those 16-months), could even be somewhat "physically" present and an encouragement. I know that our prayers have helped and encouraged her, but this miracle of God's timing was an extra special blessing to us all. And another memorial stone to look back on when we doubt God's care for us.

Singapore Botanical Gardens (photographs)

Mercifully, in the middle of the crazy-busy conference, they planned half-a-day off. We had a group outing to the Singapore Botanical Gardens last Wednesday after lunch and into the early evening (with a picnic dinner in the gardens).

By this time, I was mentally and socially exhausted. We had the option of going touring with a group, but I really needed some time alone. I took my camera and it was a blessed time of appreciating the gardens and trying to capture some of their beauty (just concentrating on those two things helped refresh my head). Thankfully it is a large area and it was possible to get away from others. Interestingly it is about the same size as the park I ride to in Tokyo, but it is far more "developed" so has a lot more hidden areas. For example this rainforest walk.

It's very lush and much more tropical than Tokyo. I suspect, far less seasonal too.

This, I believe, is one of the iconic sights in the gardens, the gazebo known as The Bandstand, was erected in 1930.

A roving photographer attending our conference snapped my photo as I wandered in the gardens. All geared up like an Aussie! 

No idea what this is! But it was pretty.

This is a set of stairs that Australian prisoners of war were forced to make bricks for and build. You can see one of the bricks below—the Australians deliberately put arrows on each brick showing they were made under duress.

So lush!

This is Swan Lake. And there were swans on it too!

A squirrel?

It's hard to gauge the size of these lilly pads, but they were more than a metre across! Quite astounding, with their upturned rims.

Another impressive flower that I'm not sure the name of!

The personal significance of these gardens is that we lived across the road from them for about five weeks in 2000. Every long-term missionary with OMF is required to attend a live-in multi-week orientation course at our international headquarters in Singapore, which happens to be across the road from these gardens.

I wandered over there to see who I might run into. I was given an impromptu short tour as we searched for someone I might know, but the two ladies who formerly worked in Japan and the Australian who also works there were all out. However, on my way back to the gardens I ran into the two Australians who live on the property and we chatted for several minutes. Then, of course, we had to take a photos in the standard place (it's the thing to do if you visit this property, 18 years ago our Orientation Course group had a photo here).

It was an hour or so of remembering. A worthwhile time spent. It's healthy to remember where God has taken you, the places and periods he's sustained you through. This was our first port of call as we began our life overseas, a momentous turning point in our lives. One that is a "before and after" moment. 

We were quite sick when we were there, probably because of the strain we'd been under in leaving Australia. We were facing an unknown future as we moved to a land we'd never set foot in, and, in my case, could barely say "hello" in the language. But our faithful God sustained us through all this, and what came after that—four years that probaby rate as the hardest years of my life. It was good to remember that God, whom I have faith in, was with us throughout.

And on that note, I've just got to quote the lyrics of this old, but gorgeous hymn:

Great Is Thy Faithfulness

Great is Thy faithfulness
O God my Father
There is no shadow of turning with Thee
Thou changest not
Thy compassions they fail not
As Thou hast been
Thou forever will be

Great is Thy faithfulness
Great is Thy faithfulness
Morning by morning new mercies I see
And all I have needed Thy hand hath provided
Great is Thy faithfulness
Lord unto me

Pardon for sin
And a peace that endureth
Thine own dear presence to cheer
And to guide
Strength for today
and bright hope for tomorrow
Blessings all mine, with ten thousand beside

Great is Thy faithfulness
Great is Thy faithfulness
Lord every morning new mercies I see
And all I have needed Thy hands hath
provided
Great is Thy faithfulness
Great is Thy faithfulness
Great is Thy faithfulness
Lord unto me
So faithful too me

So too is our testimony of God's faithfulness. 

 "But you, Lord, are a compassionate and gracious God,
    slow to anger, abounding in love and faithfulness" (Ps 86:15 NIV).

What's on my mind?

There are lots of things I'm thinking about just now. I don't want to write much on any of them, but here they are:

• It's been a good Spring Break. Camping, of course, was the highlight. It's been unusually grey and cold, though, and I'm longing for the warmer weather, but things are looking up in the week to come.
• Sakura are blooming. It is, as always, a beautiful sight.
• It's my birthday tomorrow. I've got a couple of low-key things planned. Hopefully it will be a pleasant day.
• One teenager has been particularly self-centered in recent weeks. I've felt quite picked-on and frustrated. I've even slammed a door or two. I'll be happy for him to go back to school tomorrow.
• Our beloved field director has been battling cancer for about a year now. After things were looking up in the last month or so, his condition has taken a turn for the worse. It's impossible to understand and hard to accept.
• His wife is our "line manager", so though she doesn't closely supervise us, it impacts us more than it might otherwise. Not to mention that they are friends and they are also a "boy" family (with four, not three). Our hearts are sad.
• Life grinds unceasingly forward. From here till mid-June life will be busy and potentially a little out of control. At the end of that we will, Lord willing, have a high school graduate in our house (and a middle school graduate too, might I add).
• My parents will visit during graduation season. Something I'm looking forward to, yet at the same time it will add to the craziness.
• On that same note, it feels like we're headed for a closed door, or a turn in the road. It will be a change, a big change, and we're not sure what lies after that point.

I was challenged by our sermon this morning about continuing to choose to live in a way that is controlled by the Holy Spirit. That means a willingness to accept where God takes us, where he asks us to go, and what situations he gives us. Even a desire to kick and scream about our friends with cancer or our difficult-to-like teenager aren't totally pleasing to God. He's big enough to deal with our screaming, but he also wants us to follow him no matter what.

"Those who belong to Christ Jesus have crucified the sinful nature with its passions and desires. Since we live by the Spirit, let us keep in step with the Spirit." Galatians 5:24-25

Work and faith

I've just finished reading this book about how biblical faith applies to our working lives (that includes non-paid work). I loved it. It says so many of the things that I have thought about but not sat down to apply words to. 

I'm finding myself talking to a lot of people about it. So, despite being bad at writing book reviews, I'll take a shot at writing about the book because this is really something every Christian should read, no matter what kind of work they do. And I want to consolidate my thoughts about it. Like other books by the same author, I got through it and immediately felt like I could read it again, just to give myself time to digest it. Maybe I read too fast?

Work is good 
First Keller frames work as something God has designed us to do. In fact God led the way by working himself and delighting in it (Genesis 1:31; 2:1). He also commissions humans to take care of his creation, and that doesn't just mean environmental protection, it means the work of providing food, of caring for all living things, populating the earth, discovering new things etc. 

Work was in the world before the Fall, meaning it was always God's plan that we should work. "Work is as much a basic human need as food, beauty, rest, friendship, prayer, and sexuality; it is not simply medicine but food for our souls. Without meaningful work we sense significant inner loss and emptiness" (p 37). I've seen this again and again in people who have had their lives disrupted by illness, injury, or life's circumstances (like unemployment or transcontinental moves with spouses).

This statement stood out to me:

Work is so foundational to our makeup, in fact, that it is one of the few things we can take in significant doses without harm. (p37)

It makes me think about the culture we have in Australia of worshipping leisure time and whether that is okay if my worldview is to be a Christian. I even wonder about seemingly innocent comments like Garfield makes about the horror of Mondays!

It also makes me less concerned about myself in some ways. I hate boredom, sometimes I fuddle around so that I don't get to the end of a list and run into the issue of not having anything to do. This obsession with having stuff to do concerns me sometimes. I know about the trap of busyness, that we are not the sum total of our schedule and that I shouldn't just fill up my schedule so that I feel meaningful. However, it is as natural as breathing that we should be desiring to do meaningful work. 

However the drive to work is tainted by a broken world. The book comes next to this dilemma about how our drive to work can be a drive to save ourselves.

Problems with work
Keller talks about the problems we have with work. Particularly that work can become fruitless, pointless, selfish and that it reveals our idols. This was not an enjoyable part of the book, I have to say, but important in helping understand why, work become such a problem for us.

Sin has entered the world, so even though work itself is not bad, it gets affected, just like every other part of creation.

"Part of the curse of work in a fallen world is its frequent fruitlessness" (p.90). Keller explains that this fruitlessness includes being able to envisage that we'll achieve far more than we actually manage, that various factors mean that our aspirations will be curtailed. Conflict, pain, illness, envy, fatigue etc. Even satisfaction with the quality of your work but not getting the results you want. For example a talented musician or artist who can't get a job to pay the bills using what they're best at doing. This is all evidence that we're not working in a perfect world.

The idols of work: we can end up working for recognition, choosing a career for wealth, or seeking power over others. "The New Testament reveals that the ultimate source of the tranquility we seek is Jesus Christ" (p112). "When we set our hope on an idol . . . we are saying to ourselves, 'If I had that, it would fix everything; then I'd feel my life really had value.'" That can be anything, from a job with a higher pay rate to one with greater prestige. Even becoming a missionary could be this.

Keller spent some time in Esther and says Esther is a pointer to Jesus. He challenges us to realise how loved we are. "Meditate on these things, and the truth will change your identity. It will convince you of your real, inestimable value. And ironically, when you see how much you are loved, your work will become far less selfish. Suddenly all the other things in your work life—your influence, your resume, and the benefits they bring you—become just things. You can risk them, spend them, and even lose them. You are free" (p127).

Hope for work
Keller challenges us to think out the Christian worldview's implications in our work life, and to not just being satisfied with superficial answers like "be honest" or "not sleeping with coworkers" or even "start a prayer meeting with Christian co-workers".

He gives an example about journalists, one that speaks to me as a writer and editor. He says we should be writing stories of redemption and renewal, sacrifice and perseverance rather than stories about neglect and blame. He looks at other areas too, like the arts, medicine, education.

I can look a bit at the missionary world. It's easy to fall into the trap of making idols of sacrificing ourselves, we can set ourselves up as models to be admired, or we can do our jobs at a standard that is less than it could be done. We can neglect our family and our spouses all in the name of "the work". We can even look down on others who aren't working as missionaries.

The point is, just because we are Christians doesn't mean we're living out our faith fully in our work.

Some ways we can bring our Christian worldview into our work
Workers are told in the Bible to be wholehearted (Eph 6:5). Our motive for working is "as if [we] were serving the Lord". Keller assures us that Christians are set free to enjoy working and that work is a way to please God.

Christians are to work with "sincerity of heart" i.e. with focus and integrity (p215). 

Being courteous and respectful as well as humbly confident. I've seen this modelled my whole life by my parents. Until they retired a few years ago they ran a business from our home. These attitudes characterised them. 

"Christians should also be known for being calm and poised in the face of difficulty or failure. This may be the most telling way to judge if a person is drawing on the resources of the gospel on the development of personal character" (p220).

"If we have an integrated and non-dualistic understanding of work, we know that many people who are not believers are, through God's providence and common grace, given gifts to do excellent work. So we will respect and treat those who believe differently as valued equals in the workplace—at the same time we will be unashamed to be identified with Jesus. If a Christian avoids both of these errors, he or she will be striking an unusual and healthy balance" (p221).

There is a great story on p218 of a Christian manager who took the blame for a big mistake an employee made. She asked why and he finally admitted it was because he'd experienced grace from God. Jesus had taken the blame for things he'd done wrong and that gave him the desire and freedom to do the same for others. 

As I've mentioned earlier, don't assume that because someone is in full-time Christian ministry that they are working in a way that glorifies God. We all are deeply sinful. The flip-side of that is that God's love and grace are incredibly vast. I love this prayer of Paul's: 

And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the Lord’s holy people, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge—that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God (Eph 3:17-19, NIV).

I cringe occasionally when I see people in full-time Christian ministry who act without confidence (cringing or servile) or don't do things to the best of their ability. 

I'm also shocked when a missionary is surprised when I am generous or gentle in my dealings with them as an editor.

There's lots to think about in this book. I do recommend that you get a hold of a copy and mull it over.

Disappointment doesn't have to get us down

I have a blogosphere friend who has been disappointed repeatedly about big things in the last couple of years. A lot of the disappointment has centred around children, family, and other people. She's been really knocked around. She has also been diagnosed with post natal depression.

I remember my first big failure. It was in my last year of my university degree and I failed a 7-week prac. placement. Wow, that really threw me. It came in the context of a number of other disappointments, including a fall from the heights of a short-term missions trip back into the reality of not-so-perfect church life in Australia.

Nevertheless the first time I realised that even things that seemed perfect and right, dreams that we'd held as young people, could change was when I discovered that the marriage of a very good friend and the husband of her youth were in serious trouble. I'm thankful to say that they've pulled through that difficult time, but for a long time we didn't know how this would turn out.

Since then I've recognised more clearly that life is full of disappointment. That we should almost expect it. We've seen other good friends have breakdowns, divorce, extra marital affairs, miscarriages. In our circles of friends, family, and mission colleagues there's been cancer, death, suicide, kids with disabilities, churches split, people walk away from God, missionaries who have to go home, etc. I'm shocked every time, especially when I see Christians behaving in ways that I would never have guessed they could. Now in my 40s I much more aware of how broken our world it and how many dreams fail.

It's easy to get very negative about it all, but there is one thing in life that doesn't disappoint and this article says it very well. It points out that even things that we really look forward to disappoint us, because they don't live up to our expectations in one way or another. And then we feel guilty because we're not happy in what we have and desire more. Or we disappoint ourselves despite our fervent vows that we'll do better next time when we mess up again.

But Paul says in Romans 5:3–6 that it is hope in the promises of God, in the promise of a sure eternity in heaven, that does not disappoint us. We hope, not in vain like we do for things on earth, but with certainty.

Here's a couple of other "hope" passages: 

"So that by two unchangeable things in which it is impossible for God to lie, we who have taken refuge would have strong encouragement to take hold of the hope set before us. This hope we have as an anchor of the soul, a hope both sure and steadfast" Heb 6:18, 19a, NASB.

"Then you will know that I am the Lord; those who hope in me will not be disappointed" Isaiah 49:23b, NIV.

The other night I came across this verse in my regular Bible reading, I found it so rich in meaning. What a beautiful prayer.

"May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit" Romans 15:13, NIV.

So, in the disappointments that come our way or well-up within us, let us remember that this isn't how God meant the world to be, this broken world isn't his ideal. That's all still to come in his good time.

Simple faith is all that is needed

This mural is on the wall at our mission's Japan headquarters.

The sermon we heard on Sunday was about the gospel. About people's responses to Jesus' good news. It looked at two Old Testament examples of simple faith, examples that Jesus himself retold in Luke 4:21-30. 

1. The poor widow who was provided with abundant oil in response to her obedient faith in what she was told to do by the prophet Elijah.1 Kings 17:8-14

2. Naaman, an army commander, who was healed of a skin disease by simply dipping in a river seven times as instructed by the prophet Elisha. 2 Kings 5:1-4

What particularly struck me was the quote at the end of the sermon, which I have in front of me because I get a copy of the script of the sermon in English. 

The same principle applies throughout the Christian life. When it comes to our education, our relationships, our calling, our ministry, our retirement, our future, we do not know what God has in store for us. But we take it on faith, trusting that he will keep his promise to protect and provide for us. God offers full salvation in Jesus, and anyone who believes in him will see everything that God has to offer. Can you believe it? If you can, you will see it. Phil Ryken, Luke, p186. 

So true. 

Death scares us because we know it could happen to someone we love. It's something we have no control over and can cause tremendous pain.

Unemployment scares us because we don't know how we'll supply our needs.

Mission scares us because there are so many unknowns. So little control that we can exert over where it might lead us.

Simple faith–the answer to so many of life's anxieties. 

Oh Lord, please forgive me for my fear, my lack of trust in you.

Stability is an illusion

Today I've been out most of the day meeting with people. A great day, but not for blogging. I found this blog post some time ago and it resonated with me: Longing for a better country

A quote:

But if there is one thing this life has taught me, it’s that I must hold loosely to everything.  Everything.  I can’t put down roots anywhere; I will never find stability.   Even if I spend my whole life here, I will never be allowed citizenship of this country.  I will never be allowed to own property here; I will never grow old in one house.  I may someday have to evacuate with the clothes on my back.  Or, I could just get robbed blind.

I’m reminded that I can’t love this life so tightly.  This life is not all there is, and it’s definitely not worth fretting over.  After all, can I ever ensure the protection of my earthly treasures?  Even if I was to live my entire life in one house in America, would I be guaranteed stability and safety?  It’s just an illusion, and my transient life as a foreigner helps me to remember that reality.

Today over lunch with Japanese friends safety came up. Is it safer in Australia or the US or Japan? Disasters continue to occur in Japan, for example, some freak flooding last week, and then an earthquake out in Tokyo Bay on Saturday morning. The prediction that "the big one" (earthquake) is coming to Tokyo soon continues to be proclaimed by authorities and the media.

But again I come back to the truth that safety is an illusion. I could be hit by a bus tomorrow. There are some things I can do to prevent that possibility, but I don't have 100% control over what happens.

Stability is also an illusion. I can set up a stable lifestyle. Do my best to provide routine and put my roots down as best I can. But as the author above says, my best isn't enough. We were heading for a nice level of stability a fortnight ago when one of my kids developed an infection that landed him (and us) in hospital. Bam. Stability in the short-term smashed.

As missionaries we are confronted more than many people by a lack of stability. Many missionaries are envious of the stability in our lives currently: that we've moved back into the same house that we lived in last term. Most missionaries don't get to spend more than four years in the same house.

There is a blessing in all this, though, it helps us to lift our eyes up and find our treasure, our security, stability in our Lord. To find peace in the midst of the knowledge that our safety could be at risk, we're thrown onto our Lord.

2 Samuel 22:32-34New International Version (NIV)

32 

For who is God besides the Lord?

    And who is the Rock except our God?

33 

It is God who arms me with strength

    and keeps my way secure.

34 

He makes my feet like the feet of a deer;

    he causes me to stand on the heights.

Forgive myself

Forgiving myself is something that's been on my mind in recent weeks. I've wanted to write about it, but haven't had the words. I still don't. But seeing as we're focussed this weekend on Christ's death and subsequent resurrection: all for the purpose of giving us forgiveness, I thought it was appropriate to explore this issue a little.

Here's my admission: I have trouble forgiving myself for things I do that hurt others.

For as long as I remember, I've trusted in God to forgive me of my sins. I've trusted that Christ's death on the cross paid all my debt to God for the wrong things I've done and for the right things I haven't done.

Why then, do I hold onto my own wrongs, like I need to punish myself or something? Something I read earlier this year suggested it could be related to things you learnt as a child, about how apologies were approached in your childhood. Maybe . . . but I'm not laying any blame.

I've just done a quick Google search and found a good article on self-forgiveness.

Here are some quotes and my comments:

If you do not forgive yourself of past sins, it is a form of pride. Whenever we enact a different set of rules, a higher set of standards for ourself over others, that is pride. When we can find it within ourself to forgive others, but not ourselves, we are saying that we are less capable of making a poor decision than others. We are somehow more intuitive, wiser, more insightful, more careful than others, and therefore, we are without excuse and should not forgive ourselves. When we reject the forgiveness extended to us by God and others, when we refuse to forgive ourselves, what we are doing is setting ourselves above others and that is pride! 

Well, that makes sense. I'm guilty of pride. The last sentence does highlight another problem, however. That it is more difficult to forgive myself when I don't receive forgiveness from the other person. But perhaps not forgiving myself is a form of rejecting God's forgiveness of myself?

To continue to rehearse in our thoughts the events of our transgression, opposes Philippians 4:8 which tells us to dwell on whatever is true, noble, right, pure, lovely, and admirable.

Yes, I understand that. It's hard, though, to control those nasty thoughts. I had an period in my life just over two years ago that plagued me for months, a time where my mistakes haunted me. It still does feature in my thoughts from time to time. And the consequences of those mistakes and subsequent actions and reactions from a couple of other people still haunt me. It's hard to forget. Although I don't dwell on them as much as I used to, I still struggle from time to time.

There is a prayer at the end of the above mentioned post, here's a portion of it:

Because Jesus died for my sins, I choose to forgive myself--to no longer punish myself and be angry with myself. I forgive myself for letting this hurt control me and for hurting others out of my hurt. I repent of this behavior and my attitude. I ask for Your forgiveness and healing.

Amen.

I suspect this will be a life-long struggle, but now it is out in the open (that I see how much of a pride issue it is), I'm hoping that I can move faster to forgive myself than I have in the past.

I'm interested in your thoughts. Have you struggled with this? How have you dealt with it?

Resurrection Sunday

Growing up, I didn't know this name for Easter Sunday, but it is a good one!

I have greatly enjoyed listening to English worship songs on this wonderful day. Hard to choose what to share with you, but here is my pick:

Nearly home

   As I type, David is nearly home (less than half an hour). I'm tired, he's tired, and it's going to be an interesting afternoon. By God's grace and with his strength I've survived the last nine days. 
   As I've washed up each day I've gazed at this verse (pictured) that has been sitting on my window sill. It was a verse that's puzzled me in the past, for it's pretty obvious that I cannot do everything. But this week it's become clear that with God's strength I can do everything he gives me to do. 
   So many people say to mothers of multiple children (i.e. more than they have) or multiple boys: I couldn't do it. I don't know how you do. Well, neither do we, except that God gives us the daily strength. We don't rely on him as much as we should, to be truthful, but he's always there, waiting to help. For 

²⁸ Do you not know?    Have you not heard? The LORD is the everlasting God,    the Creator of the ends of the earth. He will not grow tired or weary,    and his understanding no one can fathom.²⁹ He gives strength to the weary    and increases the power of the weak.³⁰ Even youths grow tired and weary,    and young men stumble and fall;³¹ but those who hope in the LORD    will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles;    they will run and not grow weary,    they will walk and not be faint. (Isaiah 40 NIV)