Reflections on our 12-day trip to Australia

I did a lot of this: just sitting with
our granddaughter.

Three days ago we arrived back from our short trip to Australia to meet our new granddaughter and spend time with our kids. As you might imagine, it was a very special trip. Most of our international travel in the last 30 years has been for work, not leisure, so this uptick in family-related flights to Australia in the last few years has felt a bit extravagant. We're thankful that God has provided for our needs and that we've been able to walk a little closer to our kids through the challenging years as they transition into independent living in a country that they haven't grown up in.

The timing was perfect: we got to meet our granddaughter when she was only two weeks old, and also to have Christmas with all our kids as well. It's the first time that we've had only a "nuclear family" celebration in Australia for Christmas, i.e. not with our parents and siblings, only our kids.

Train window view: it was quite rainy
and we saw many sugar-cane fields.

It did feel like we had a double Christmas, though, a strange combo of the two types of Christmases that have become normal for us: a winter Japanese one, and a hot Australian one. Someone asked me which I preferred and I couldn't say. There are good things about both and memories associated with both.

Our journey there was a bit of a long slog. It took 25 hours door-to-door, including a two-hour car trip to the airport here, then about seven hours in the air, a taxi trip from the airport to the train station in Cairns, then a long and slow journey south to Townsville on the train that felt like it took forever (only about eight hours, twice as long as driving it would have taken). It's the first time I've taken an intercity train in Queensland. Overall the train was a good choice. It was cheaper than renting a car and, after an overnight flight, it was safer. The journey home took longer, because of train and plane schedules we had to spend the night in Cairns, so it was close to 36 hours to get back to our place in Tokyo.

Beautiful Townsville waterfront,
with Magnetic Island in the background.

Most of our 12 days in Townsville was spent hanging out with our eldest son and his wife and daughter at their place. The temperature and humidity this time of year aren't super inviting for going outside, especially with a newborn. But we did spend a little bit of time on the beachfront (though not in the sea...that's a bit dangerous with jellyfish and crocs), we went to church with them twice, and also to the Christian Christmas celebration called "The Stable" that featured not just carols and food, but live animals and actors walking around as Christmas Bible characters.

We got to housesit a beautiful water-front
apartment for free.

The apartment complex had a pool, and yes, we did have a swim one evening.

This is one reason you don't swim at this time of the year in the sea in north Queensland.

One day when we went to exit the apartment building
we found this shopping trolley taking a solo trip up and down
in the lift!

Beautiful tree in downtown Townsville. It has
a population of around 190,000, the 7th largest
non-state-capital city in Australia. Tiny compared
to Tokyo, but feels good for us who grew up in
rural Queensland.

It was a growing experience as we tried to fit in and adapt to what was going on for them, which meant not planning ahead, a lot of small grocery trips, and trying to discern how best to help out, without taking over. Like the rest of the parenting journey there's no instruction book on how to be a parent to your adult kids. But after years of raising them, I have to say that it's satisfying to sit back and watch them operating as responsible adults. Though, just like when they are younger, it's also hard to watch when they are struggling and in pain: you just want to fix it all for them and it hurts when you can't. I can easily see how challenging it would be to set boundaries if you lived close to your adult kids when they're raising their own kids. Good communication would be very important.

People have asked how it felt to be a grandmother...there's no clear answer to that either. I feel quite young at 52 to be a grandma! There is a detachment that you don't have with your own babies, when you're too tired and busy to really enjoy them. As a grandma just dropping in for a few days I had the luxury to sit back and enjoy the cuddles, while also helping out with meals, nappy changes, and a little bit of cleaning, without the long-term responsibilities and anxieties that come with parenting, especially the first time you do it. It also felt like picking up an old skill—holding a baby felt very natural and it was very special to know, as grandparents, that she's "ours".

Having our two youngest sons also visit for Christmas was like icing on the cake. The days surrounding Christmas Day when we just got to hang out together were very precious. The four guys (David and three sons) spent a lot of time playing two boardgames and I got to hang out with the girls. As I said, precious time. The last two times we came to visit this year we didn't have a solid "home base" of our own and there was a lot of other things going on, and therefore it was hard to get together and just "hang out", but that was different this time and it was lovely.

It's also been good to get home a week before school started again, we've been able to get extra sleep and relaxing time, as well as catch up with a handful of friends over meals.

Today I had the goal of starting our prayer letter, but also writing my reflection blog post looking back at 2025. I fear that I've got too many ambitions for my day!

Reflecting on our five weeks in Australia

We're back in Japan. Last night David and I went walking on one of our usual routes—it was great to start getting back into routine. While I get excited about things like retreats and conferences, meeting up with people, and travel, I function better when I have general structure around my life and am settled at home. As we walked and talked, we saw how busy and non-routine the previous weeks had been. Strangely, the longer we stayed in Australia the more chaotic things became!

In the last five weeks we've:

• spent time over multiple meals with 17 family members, not all at once, but did enjoy dinner with 11 members of my family last Friday night,
• had dinner most nights with our hosts (we stayed in four different houses),
• met around half a dozen friends for meals or coffee or walks,
• done medical and optometry stuff,

• 

  You don't know how amazing Australian skies
  are until you have lived outside Australia.

  spoke at an OMF event for people thinking seriously about mission,
• attended an OMF half-day conference in our home state,
• worked remotely (part-time) on things pertaining to our work in Japan (computer work and online meetings),
• spent time at both our home church (in Redbank Plains) and at our son's church, and
• met six dogs and two cats!

I think that's most of it...

One of the dogs we met

But the main reason we went to Australia was to spend time with our two younger sons, who only moved out last year. We had meals with them, watched footy, played video games, made (and ate) cheesecake, went to the movies, (David) took our youngest to a driving test (and he passed!), and even drove a couple of hours to an open evening at a conference one of our sons was attending (university Christian group). Without our own home we had to get a little bit creative at times, but I think it worked and was worth it.

The cheesecake I made with our 
youngest, and we all ate! It's a
family tradition.

The icing on the cake was that our eldest son and his wife were able to fly down from Townsville for our last week (they also were attending a wedding down there). We spent a few days with them at my parents' house. Finally, on our last afternoon in Australia, we got all four "kids" together (believe me, it was quite an effort!). We hung out, ate pizza, and said our farewells. Then the two "locals" (i.e. the ones who live in Brisbane and Ipswich) drove the two couples to where we were each staying the night.

It was a great month and we really appreciated all who went out of their way to host us or feed us or simply talk with us.

In the light of the "changing identity" blog post that I last wrote, I would definitely say life is changing, has changed. And this quite different "holiday" was very much proof of that. 

Back in hot, steamy Tokyo

Now we're trying to get our heads settled back in to Japan, to the work that God still has for us here. Even though some of our hearts have been left back in Australia, that has always been the case, ever since we first came in 2000. So it's not too much different, except that our kids are now living their own lives, instead of being entwined with ours on a daily basis.

Identity: shifting and changing

It's been a great joy to be able to come back to Australia this month and interact with our kids in a different way, to start laying different memories and also to see them coping with day-to-day life as independent adults (one of the long-term goals, in the end, of parenting). Next week we'll also spend a few days with our eldest son and his wife, and we're really looking forward to that too.

Throw back to me in Singapore:
discovering I could do
tourism in a foreign country
on my own.

On Sunday I was talking to someone about these last 12 months and realised that kids leaving home is part of an ever changing journey with our identity. My friend has been a grandma almost as long as I've been a mum and related a story from just the previous week about her journey as a grandma. Her youngest grandchild is 10 and my friend realised that this young lady doesn't need her grandma in the same way as she used to, this realisation made her sad. Her role is changing again. 

My role is changing too, the years of having kids under my roof all the time has gone and it's been time to think again about who am I in this new season.

Change in roles is disorientating. Change of a role as intimate and lengthy as a mother is potentially even more so. I am not only my children's mother, but being a mum 24/7 for so many years (nearly half my life) means that my identity has somewhat become entwined with my kids. I expect that that's similar for anyone who cares for someone long-term. 

Last year I was talking with a single lady in her 60s and blurted out something like, "It's not as if I wasn't a person before I had kids." She thought that was a preposterous statement, but was kind enough not to point out who I was talking to (a non-person, if having kids makes you a person!). But sometimes it does feel that way, because that's how intertwined in your children's lives you become while raising them, even when the relationship is fairly healthy.

While pondering this topic I found this interesting article called "When caring changes or ends". It covers things like the feelings you might have at such a juncture, also reflecting, adjusting to new routines, and being gentle with yourself. Helpful stuff, even if it isn't especially about kids leaving home!

I really didn't expect to still be adjusting to this, more than a year after our children left home, but it seems I am. It's a new season, but not as simple as just turning a page into a new chapter, the stuff that's gone before is not forgotten.

Eight years ago, a year before my first born left home, I wrote this in a blog post:

For a time you may feel as though you've lost touch with who you were. But in the end you'll discover that actually, your old self is being changed into something new. If you're a Christian you can be sure that God will use this experience to make you more like him, if you're willing. (from here)

It's a good reminder that it's just another segment of our journey, I've gone through many changes thus far in my life that have changed me, and there are more to come. I've been changed by the journey and I can embrace that.

Seizing the moments this month in Queensland

It's nine days since I last wrote here and I'm definitely feeling more settled and am a little less "discombobulated". Yesterday I cooked two different meals in our friends' kitchen (successfully and without undue stress), I feel like that proves the point!

We've also been trying to keep up with
regular walking. This part of Queensland
has some beautiful spots to walk.

Normal for July is that I'm balancing my online work with the Japan Harvest magazine and our organisation's social media with David being on "summer" holidays. What's not usual is that we're also spending time with people we don't normally see: the friends we're staying with, family, church family, and other friends. It's all very good and worthwhile, but also challenging to get a good balance. I suspect we'll be a little weary when we get back to Japan.

One interesting thing I've noticed is that the time frame that we're here for (5 weeks) means that people who really want to see us are more motivated to make the time, and we're more likely to seize the moment and go for it. Six months or twelve months provides a lot of time to get a better balance (and more rest) but less urgency to get things done. 

Our main purpose of being here is to spend time with our kids, and you can see below that we've been very intentional about that.

Here are some of the things we've done in the last 10 days:

• Had a "State of Origin" party (high profile rugby league game between our state and another) at our youngest son's house with his brother.
• Met my parents for lunch.
• Met different long-term friends on three occasions for lunch or coffee.
• Wendy went to an afternoon tea fun gathering with other women from our home church.
• David’s gone to a couple of men’s coffee mornings.
• A couple of routine medical/optometry visits.
• Drove to 75 km to the north of Brisbane for an open night at a camp that our youngest son is at with Christians from his uni (and another local uni).
• Went to a movie with our middle son and had lunch at his place another day.
• David went to another movie with our hosts and youngest son.
• Most nights we've had dinner with our hosts.

I've been trying to keep up with general work that comes across my desk. Thankfully it's not been too heavy a work-flow this month, but I'm aware that I'm pretty distracted by all of the above. Along with that I've had some online work meetings about magazine and social media matters.

Someone asked me the other day how often we come to Australia, and I had to say that there is no usual now, it's actually in flux as we figure out this new chapter in our lives. But as we go about life here this month, we're thinking about the middle of next year. Our organisation has a key value of ensuring missionaries spend time in their "home" countries. There are five purposes for that:

1. Reporting to churches concerning the ministry/work.

2. Participation in the mobilisation work of the OMF Homeside.

3. Rest and renewal.

4. Reunion with family, friends, and supporting churches.

5. Re-equipping for a more effective ministry.

There used to be a pattern of around four years of service "on the field" and one year in your "sending country" the latter year being called "home assignment". This has been changing in the 25 years we've been working in Japan. Now, for various reasons, it's less common to do one year home assignments and thankfully our organisation is flexing to accommodate. And we're re-evaluating our own plans in the light of our new season without children at home anymore. 

This time next year we're planning to do a short home assignment, probably June and July. There are many reasons for this, which I won't bore you with. But we're hoping it will be a viable ongoing option for the future because the whole upheaval that goes with moving to Australia for six months to a year is a lot. We've done it five times now and are fairly reluctant to do it again, though we know the value of the above points!

We've got two and a half more weeks before we fly back to Japan now and it's probably going to fly by fast with more of the types of social engagements you see above. We're trying to seize the moment and be as present as we can as we spend time with precious people we would not otherwise see.

Buzzing with exciting news

I'm still buzzing from the writing retreat, but more "buzz" was to come on Saturday. We've known for several weeks, but finally we were able to talk openly about our impending grandparent-hood! 

My kids were all born pre-social media, so I come from an era where people didn't do announcements like this. But how fun is this photo that I made?

I feel like life is shooting past faster than I can comprehend, though! Only two years ago I had a kid at school...and then I was adjusting to "open nesting" and then having a daughter-in-law and now a grandchild is on the way? 

Phew! It's a lot! But also a lot of joy. 

The only sad thing about it is that we live a long way away from the expectant couple and we don't have a huge budget. Decisions about our movements at Christmas time are now pending...

What's my purpose now?

Tomorrow is the one-year anniversary since our role as parents-with-kids-living-in-our-house ended. Yes, "empty nesting" began. It's kinda hard to believe it's been a whole year, but then I look back at what we (and they) have done in those 52 weeks, and it's easier to believe :D 

It turns out that 24 years and 9 months is a long time. That's how long we had children living with us. And changing to not having any children at home anymore takes time to adjust to. Physically we've adjusted well to it—we like our little apartment and I've even managed to adjust my shopping and cooking to more appropriate quantities. But mentally and emotionally, it takes longer. Part of that is asking: What's my purpose now?

In quieter moments I find myself circling back to this question, like a dog with a bone. So, I searched my blog, as I often do, to see what I've written in the past. This one floored me a bit: 

Eight years ago I wrote this:

Because, as a mum, children take up so much of your time over so many years, it is easy to fall into the trap of feeling that that it is your purpose, your main reason for being on this earth, and that there is nothing else worth doing. Yet, it is not so. I had a life before I had kids. (They're always surprised to hear that.) It's going to take some rediscovering, but I'll have it again—a life without kids in it on a daily basis. After 24 years of parenting it will take some getting used to, but I'm already dreaming about the possibilities. (from here)

Good to know I had a little bit of foresight.

And I also wrote this:

Someone else who has written about slowing down recently is our Japan Field Director. He's been battling two types of blood cancer for about a year now. He's currently recuperating at home after a particularly rigorous round of chemo and a stem-cell transplant. He's a high achieving fellow, who, by his own words, used to "whizz...around like a hare". These days life for him is more like the famous tortoise. Here are some of the words from a Facebook post of his earlier in the month:

All of this has got me thinking about what it means to slow down. And it has got me thinking about what the Bible has to say about the pace of life. Certainly when you ponder the Bible generally, there are many examples of ‘waiting’ and ‘perseverance’, topics I've explored in earlier musings. The word ‘patience’ or ‘patiently’ comes up not a few times. But when I thought of the word ‘slow’ I couldn't think of many specific examples apart from a few well-known verses. So, the Lord is slow to anger. In the same way, we should be slow to anger and slow to speak (but quick to listen!) Peter speaks about slowness towards the end of his second letter in the context of time - with the Lord a day is like a thousand years and a thousand years like a day. 

As I considered this more, I came across this translation of Jeremiah 2:25. It's from The Message, so a paraphrase but nonetheless it makes the point very graphically - “Slow down. Take a deep breath. What's the hurry? Why wear yourself out? Just what are you after anyway? But you say, 'I can't help it. I'm addicted to alien gods. I can't quit.'” We may not be addicted to ‘alien gods’ but could we simply be addicted to activity and busyness? And all of that could just be a ‘chasing after the wind’ as one of the Bible’s wisdom books puts it. Or as one of the Psalms says - ‘in vain you rise early and stay up late’. There are quite a few ‘ouch’ passages in the Bible when we measure them against what our daily lives are actually like.

Many of us these days seem to live life simply moving from one thing to the next with little time in between to catch our breath, far less having time to reflect, meditate or even spend some unrushed time with God. And that can creep into family life, church life, corporate life, organisational life. There is so much to keep up with. But that begs some questions. Why do we need to keep up with the things we feel we need to keep up with? And are the things that we strive to keep up with the things we really need to be keeping up with at all? One valuable lesson that can be learned in the slow lane is simply to be able to take stock, reassess and consider what the priorities in life really ought to be. 

None of this is to say we should be lazy or live a life of constant leisure. There is plenty the Bible can teach us about that. But for a follower of Jesus, what should mark us out as different, what are the things that day by day should be core to our lives? Certainly we would want to serve him wholeheartedly and live our lives in a way that brings glory to his name. But while we might desire to be ‘about the Lord’s work’ to use an older phrase, that does not seem to me to mean that we should simply be dashing around in a constant blur of activity. As I have this time in the slow lane, I sometimes wonder whether as Christians, as churches, as mission organisations, we can easily get off track because we are so busy and active that we can actually no longer see the wood for the trees. And I know that as I say that, I am gradually needing to remove the plank from my own eye (if a tortoise can have a plank in its eye). Being forced to slow down is teaching me many things. I just hope I can apply these lessons well if I ever reach the point once again when I am healthy, energy-filled and able to be active. Help me God even then to be still and know that you are God.

The colleague who wrote that sadly never reached the point of being healthy and energy-filled, he transitioned to heaven about six weeks later.

A book on my shelf that I've picked up again recently, Heading Home by Naomi Reed, has some interesting thoughts about purpose too. The book is about the period in her family's life after they returned from several years of serving in Nepal as missionaries and were trying to figure out "what next". 

Lord, there are times in our lives when we feel purposeless. The dream is over. We don't even know what to do any more, or why. We keep coming up with new ideas but they don't really compare with the dream we used to have, or the life we used to live. . . But Lord, when we feel like this—lost and directionless and lonely—please remind us that we find our living in you; we find our focus in you. Remind us that being in you is enough and that you are our focus no matter what country we live in . . . for you discern our going out and our lying down, you hem us in behind and before. You're the reason we get out of bed. You're the reason  we make breakfast and stir the porridge . . . and every single day, as we settle here on the far side of the sea, your right hand will hold us fast. (p. 20)

A related question to "what is my purpose" is "what is my worth". I recently encountered this song by Keith and Kristyn Getty:

My Worth is Not In What I Own

My worth is not in what I own

Not in the strength of flesh and bone

But in the costly wounds of love

At the cross

My worth is not in skill or name

In win or lose, in pride or shame

But in the blood of Christ that flowed

At the cross

I rejoice in my Redeemer

Greatest treasure, wellspring of my soul

I will trust in Him, no other

My soul is satisfied in Him alone

As summer flowers, we fade and die

Fame, youth, and beauty hurry by

But life eternal calls to us

At the cross

I will not boast in wealth or might

Or human wisdom’s fleeting light

But I will boast in knowing Christ

At the cross

Two wonders here that I confess

My worth and my unworthiness

My value fixed, my ransom paid

At the cross

This stands out here: my value is fixed, therefore it won't be changed by whether not I am busy, whether or not I have people in my life who need me on a daily basis, by whether I am sick or energetic, by whether I think I'm doing something worthwhile, or by what other people think, whether I am youthful or old. My worth is in knowing Christ. I am unworthy of such an honour, but it secures my worth, and nothing changes that.

And so, my job is to remind myself of these truths regularly, and especially when I start feeling wobbly. To ask God to help me keep my eyes fixed on eternity, to find my confidence and refuge in Christ.

 

 

Coming "home"

The day after our son's wedding we farewelled our two younger sons as they flew back to Brisbane and then worshipped with my parents and two close friends at the church of our son and new daughter-in-law. They, of course, weren't there. 

We briefly farewelled my parents after church. When I say bye to someone I often mentioned something about when I'll see them again; this time we were able to say: see you later this year. Our plan is to visit for a short time in south-east Queensland during July. Mum asked if we had dates and I laughed. Despite the blog post I'd shared the week before about looking forward to 2025, we'd barely thought beyond that weekend!

Home, with a new tablecloth!

Then had lunch with our friends and farewelled them. I wasn't ready for the farewells, but they happened anyway. We then gathered our stuff and left town, heading four hours north to Cairns. Australia is a huge place with long spaces inbetween many places (Tasmania being the exception to that). If you've been to our native land and haven't figured that out, then you haven't seen much of it! It was a tiring journey, but we listened to radio commentary of the Aussie women playing cricket against England. We cruised into a very quiet looking Cairns around dinner time, watched more cricket as we wound down in the evening, and crashed on the bed.

The next morning we were moving again: to the airport and back to a chilly Tokyo. The trickiest part was always going to be getting back home from the airport when we were so tired. We'd parked in long-term parking and once again cricket on the (internet) radio helped us on our journey! (Yes, we're cricket-mad, and not ashamed at all.) 

The most immediate culture shock we had was figuring out what speed to drive! Yep, we've driven for nearly 25 years in Japan and in 13 days forgot that most driving is slower in Japan than in Australia. Quickly sorted that and we were home in 1 ½ hours by about 8 pm. It felt odd, but also good to walk back into our apartment. It's at the same time still new-to-us and very home-like. We moved around like we were in a dream, reminding ourselves that the most urgent thing was being prepared for David to leave before 8 am the next morning (Tuesday) for work, and getting some sleep.

Some Christmas presents from our
sons that we received before
the wedding.

I predicted that it would take several days to get back into the groove, and that is exactly what happened. By Saturday we were exhausted and very thankful for a quiet day with nothing at all on the schedule.

Now those 13 days in Australia seem like a dream, except that every now and then there are reminders from our time there: like photos, messages from our new daughter-in-law, and things that we brought back with us. As usual, things have moved on in our absence, so it has been a delight to have a few friends here demanding to see photos from our time away!

So, we're going through the motions, but sometimes my thoughts and soul are still catching up with where my physical body is. It remains true that the last 12 months have contained much change for us, and I think I'm still finding my feet in this new phase of life. Please pray that I'll be patient with myself and people around me as I walk through this.

Letting go makes room for new opportunities

I was chatting to a colleague the other day on a Zoom call. He noticed the piles of boxes behind me and asked about them, a little concerned that we still hadn't finished unpacking. I assured him that that wasn't the case and that these boxes were destined for the school's secondhand sale that was happening the next week. He knew about our quest to sell our oven, washing machine, and fridge, and commented that there was a significant theme in our lives recently: letting go.

It's true. We've had to let a lot of things go. In the last 18 months we've literally downsized from a three-bedroom house equipped for a five-person household, to an apartment equipped for two people. We've also moved countries twice in the last 16 months. Our move out of Australia included letting go of a number of things, as we also downsized there. When our two younger sons moved out in February we gave them a number of things that would be useful to them, but no longer useful to us. When we packed up in July this year we had to put away things that we enjoy, but can't take to Japan, and now might not see for a decade or more. Most of that stuff hasn't been hard to let go of. I think the hardest was the oven. Much of the rest of it was old and well-used, or had passed its "useful to us" date.

We had to say goodbye to two houses. One of which we'd lived in for 13 years and contained many memories—though we were happy to leave it in many ways as it was hard to heat and cool, and broken in various ways. The other one we only lived in for 12 months, but we were very fond of (we especially loved the deck).

Saying goodbye to stuff, though, has an upside: you get to say yes to other things. Like less stuff to look after. We're now able to live in a small apartment that requires less up-keep and takes a fraction of the time to clean and a fraction of the budget to heat and cool. And we now have a cute car that is easier to manoeuvre in the narrow streets of Japan.

Moving between countries means letting go of relationships too. Not as in ending relationships (at least not the closer friendships), but letting go of the intimacy that you get from attending the same church, living in the same community, or living only a few hours drive away. This has been an ongoing theme of our lives, ever since we first moved to Japan in 2000. This time we also had to let go of hosting our sons in person on Sunday afternoons/evenings.

I'm trying to grow lettuce from seed 
for the first time. I think I might have
sown too many seeds!

Other things we haven't so much "let go", but they've changed nonetheless. We're no longer a parents at school or at any sporting event. I'm no longer cooking or shopping for large appetites. But that's getting to be "old news" now, though my soul is still adjusting to it. Christmas is becoming imminent and we're aware that this will be the first time in 25 years that we've celebrated that day without any of our kids, and only the second time in 50+ years that we've celebrated without any family at all (aside from each other)...but again I mentioned that last time I wrote here.

It has been a season of letting go: it's worth continuing to acknowledge that. But also remember that letting go allows new things to happen, like the adventure we took last week to watch wheelchair rugby. We're embarking on a new adventure on Sundays too: a new church. If I look back at the four months since we arrived back in Japan, I can see evidence of all sorts of small opportunities we've been able to take up that were largely absent during the previous years of busy parenting. Only God knows where this new season post-"letting go" will take us.

What's it like, being in Japan without your kids?

Missionaries with younger kids are asking me: How does being here without kids feel?

A few different ways to describe it and I'm grappling for the best way. The most dramatic is to compare it to the grief of losing someone you love. You know they are in heaven and without pain. You’re happy for them, but still sad. You wouldn’t wish them back for anything. Like any metaphor this breaks down pretty quickly, but it does convey that there’s an emptiness in our lives, and it’s a matter of sitting with that and finding a way forward. They will always be part of our story, just not an everyday part. It's weird that we're meeting people now who have never known our sons, and often I feel compelled to bring them somehow into the conversation: they are part of who we are, they bring context to our lives.

Today I'm a little sad because its one of our son's birthdays. It's the first year that I won't celebrate with him in person. He's not a big one for parties, but we'd always have a cake and presents for a small family celebration. I'm not making a cake or wrapping presents today.

But if you think about it just a short while you realise that it is also sad if they don’t move on! It's a natural and expected change and when that doesn't happen it's a cause of grief too. A Japanese colleague pointed out to me that having them remain tiny and dependent is not what we want.

Parenting is all about sadness and happiness. Both emotions regularly occur at the same time from very early on: when a child begins eating food instead of drinking mum's milk, when they start school, have their first sleepover away from home, get their licence, finish school. All these evoke both sad and happy emotions for the parent. And often other emotions too like fear and pride.

And then there is expectations that we place on ourselves and our kids and that society places on us. When those expectations aren't met we run into emotional challenges too.

People working cross-culturally generally expect that their kids will move to another country after high school. Most of our expat peers here with adult children are living in a different countries to their kids. So in that sense it is normal.

Arggh, basically parenting is an emotional business, there's no way around it, not even not having kids.

On the positive side of things, it is wonderful watching our sons living life independently (even if we're doing it from a distance). There were many years when I wondered if they ever could learn to take showers (or go to bed) without us prompting them. But to be all taking care of their own basic needs (including feeding themselves) is nothing short of amazing, when I think about it. None of them have someone else cooking or housekeeping for them. None of them has someone else driving them around or keeping an eye on their schedule. That they are all functioning as independent adults is a source of great joy.

It must be said that there is less stress in not living in the same house as them: out of sight out of mind, is fairly true. It's not that we don't care and we don't think of and pray for them often, but we aren't spectators to their daily lives and so things that are stressors don't weigh us down like it would if we were closer. We are also not rubbing each other up the wrong way on a daily basis (living with someone on the autistic spectrum who also struggles with anxiety and misophonia isn't a walk in the park). I think we have more to give others as a result.

There's joy in doing (and eating) things that we could never do when they were here. Eating out has gotten more affordable, and so has eating in! We can be more spontaneous too. I still remember, as a young adult hearing that my parents has spontaneously gone out to the movies. It seemed quite out of character...but I only knew them as people who had children at home and they were discovering who they were without that responsibility.

Yes our house is quieter, that is mostly good. What's weird to me is that they all moved out more than six months ago and I'm still feeling the difference. We left on our two month sojourn just after they left, so didn't have much time to grieve then. Then we got back only three months before leaving the country, so there was a lot to do to plan and execute that move. 

Now it's all over and there isn't much to plan, not so much to talk about. That's weird. We've sat for so long with trying to figure out "what's next" and especially wondering how we'd be able to achieve all that was necessary for our guys to all move out and us move back to Japan without them. After living with that tension and stress, it's an adjustment to get back to a more "boring" life. Living life with contentment is obviously something I need to work on.

So, overall it's good, but there's no quick answer to "What's it like without your kids?"

It's been a lot of change!

A week and a half ago I came down with a cold that David had already had for a week. We’re both still recovering, though each day our symptoms are receding further. We both have chronic asthma that is well controlled, but at times like these, it's in our face and limiting our capacity; both of us have lingering coughs. I went to the doctor last week to get my regular asthma meds and he thought I had sinusitis too, so fun times and lots of tissues. 

A friend captured the proposal
from a distance (only our son
knew the photographer was there)

Last weekend I had very limited energy, but nonetheless we had an exciting weekend: on the Saturday (24th) our eldest son asked his girlfriend to marry him and she said yes! So we’ve been digesting that news and gradually telling people. I started this blog in 2010 when he was only 10 years old. It’s hard to believe that we’re now already at another new stage of parenting: getting ready to welcome in a daughter-in-law! (And we’re only just starting to get used to having no kids at home in Japan.) Of course, we’re not in the same country as them, so we’re now planning a trip to Australia in January to help them celebrate their wedding. 

Every now and then I'm amazed at how much change has gone on in these last few months:

• our younger two sons moved out and that has precipitated many big and small changes that we're still adjusting to
• we moved countries, again
• we moved to Japan without children for the first time (and yes, this warrants its own bullet point)
• after a year of both of us based at home and not working regular hours, David's working outside the home again, 8–5 Monday to Friday, and I'm at my desk at home for many of those hours too
• we've downsized into a small apartment and small car
• I'm learning to cook again in a smaller kitchen with a smaller space for storing ingredients
• our eldest son has made a lot of changes in his life in the last couple of months, and believe it or not that is taking a bit to adjust to in our thinking
• our middle son, who has been unemployed since leaving school in June 2021, has a job, a licence, and a car, and continues to surprise us as to what he's able to achieve
• we are adjusting to the idea of having a future daughter-in-law whose name we know!
• we're planning an unexpected short trip to Australia for a wedding in January.

There are a few other things, including changes in the two teams I work with in Japan, but I'll leave the list as it is.

That list makes me feel tired! It partly explains why we got sick and it's taken so long to recover. It helps me to remember to be gracious to myself when I'm feeling wobbly or weak, and that transition of this magnitude takes time to recover from.

But aside from that, there is so much to be thankful for in the above list and we're amazed at God's provision, his leading, and his care for us and our children.

An empty house, a retreat, and a long road trip

We're walking through a little bit of metaphorical whiplash here...and it's not just that we're now suddenly alone in our home after 24+ years of sharing it with our children, though that is not a small thing.

Next week we're leaving on a two-month-long adventure in a motorhome (I mentioned it in January here). So while our attention has been very much focused on our sons these last couple of months, we've now turned our minds to trip preparation in a big way. In addition to that I've got some writing and magazine-team admin work to do before we go which I've been trying to focus on yesterday and today, with patchy success!

I have an office space again, that isn't in the dining
room! We've moved our work stuff into this bedroom,
as well as some other things in boxes like Lego.

Our house is quiet. Periodically we're reminded we have children when they text us about one issue or another. They all came over on Sunday afternoon for several hours, as is our current weekly routine. That was fun, but it was also nice when they all went home! It's actually very satisfying seeing them move on from dependence on us. We've been preparing them for this for many years and it's great to see them living it and stepping up to the challenge.

Earlier in the week we nutted out more of a skeleton for the route of our journey around south-eastern Australia and now it's down to details about booking accommodation sites and investigating things to check out while we're on the road. I'm being a little guarded about sharing where exactly we are going, because this is not a ministry trip, nor is it a "catch up with as many people as you can" trip. We're hoping to unwind and relax on our own (most of the time). People have asked me to post a lot of photos so they can enjoy it. I'm also planning to blog about our trip as we go, but with a little bit of a time-delay so you will see where we've been, not where we are. I hope to allow you to vicariously enjoy some places in Australia that you've never heard of, or perhaps you have, but haven't seen them through the eyes of an Aussie who hasn't lived most of her adult life in Australia. 

As I thought about this trip I realised the trip is a little like a babymoon, but at the other end, an "empty nest moon"? It's certainly an interesting way to begin this new chapter of "coupledom". We're excited, but at the same time wondering how well we'll cope with two months in a motorhome! We've stocked up on a number of unplugged activities to relax with and are looking forward to seeing a good amount of "nature" on our travels.

I didn't plan on waking up to see the sun rise on
Saturday morning at our retreat, but took advantage
of it when I noticed the time. This awaited me out
the back door!

But, before I finish this, I can't neglect to mention the other big thing that happed last week. I went on a mini-retreat with two of my closest friends. We've never done this before, and it was fun. Our families (offspring included) enjoy getting together (we holidayed for a week together in 2022), but those times are not without many interruptions. It was super for just the three "girls" to get away together and hang out for many hours. We rented a cottage through AirBnB in the countryside to the west of here for the night. But the journey to get there was all part of the time away as we travelled together, talking all the way. It was a good Aussie experience, with an evening meal at an old pub (est. 1902) as well. 

Plenty of rain recently meant a beautiful vista
as we travelled some small country roads.

I'm so thankful for these two friends. We've been in touch via texting almost daily for five and a half years, though our separate friendships go back many more years than that. We've walked alongside one another through some really tough times and it's been a huge blessing. To be able to spend physical time together is amazing. So thankful to our heavenly Father for the blessings that he's showered on me recently!

More sunrise...

This was a bit before sunset the night before.

But, I'd better get back to writing that editorial that I've got to finish this week...and we'll see if I get back to writing here before we leave next week, or maybe not till we're on the road (the first part of our journey is work, but then around six weeks of holidays on the road—Yay!).

Moving our sons out (part one)

We're getting close to being able to tell you the "end of the story", the end that we've been working towards and praying about for many months. The story of how both of our boys move out of home. Here's part one.

Last Friday our 18 y.o. moved out into a house near his university that he will share with two other students (24 km from where we're living). The house was found through a real estate agent that goes to our eldest son's church. One of his housemates also goes to that church and so does our 18 y.o. son now! We're thankful that they did most of the work finding the place, sorting out paperwork, and finding a third housemate.

We did the move the cheap way using our car and a borrowed trailer, so it took longer than if we'd hired a big van. But it wasn't a simple move from one place to the other. We picked up stuff like a washing machine and microwave from several places close to his new house as well as a bed and bookshelf from the far east of Brisbane (nearly 50 km from our house). We got home for the final time at 10pm on Friday night after driving around all day. Then we hopped back in the car on Saturday morning and picked up another item, then (because he doesn’t have a licence yet) picked our son up to take him to the optometrist because his glasses frames had started to break the day before. On our way back to his place we picked up one final thing: a two-seater sofa. When we finally got home on Saturday at 3pm we were very tired, but also very satisfied.

Saturday was a very different day to
the rain we encountered on Friday.

Everything seemed to take twice or three times as long as it looked like it should on paper. We encountered heavy rain, bad traffic, an ATM that wouldn't give me a $80 (no $10 in the machine, presumably), a Saturday morning market, parking difficulties, communication delays, and bad directions from Google maps. We forgot things and had to go back again, had to buy a new tarp, and had to take detours to get food.

Along the way we met an Ecuadorian who hasn't seen her family for over five years, a Belgian who has a new baby and is returning "home" via New Zealand, and a lady who works for the RSL (Returned Services League) and is committed to not continue contributing to landfill by helping her adult kids pass on their unneeded stuff. We met people who stood by our sides 24 years ago as we left Australia the first time. And more recent acquaintances who, in 2022, housed members of our family three times (including one emergency stay when a plane got cancelled), picked us up from the airport that same year when it took us 35 hrs to get from Japan to here (usually it's an 8 hr flight), and drove two of us to the Gold Coast to catch our flight back to Japan. We had things thrust into our hands and left on the front step that would help our son set up his new place with his two new housemates. What a wonderful confluence!

It was quite a process, but we felt satisfied at the end. Not only had we achieved a major goal (raising our son to the point where he could live independently from us) but we were able to physically help him move out. So many times in the last 25 years we've been unable to help our loved ones by being physically present. 

We've missed many significant family celebrations, including our eldest son's 21st. And have never helped our parents, sons, or siblings move house. We’ve even missed moving into our own house several times (when we’ve asked people to help set up our newly rented house before we arrived back in the country, so that we could settle the boys into school as quickly as possible). It was a joy to be able to help this time. It was fun to scour second hand shops and Facebook Marketplace, and to make lists of household products to add to my grocery list, all of this to help him get started in this new life.

But I can't finish this post without telling of how we're praising God for his great provision. Queensland has been experiencing a housing shortage for some time now, and people have been very fond of telling us how hard it is to find places to rent (which hasn't been very encouraging). But God's purposes for us haven't been thwarted. At least that's how it looks from our perspective. In order for us to continue to serve God in Japan, we needed him to find places for our sons to move to, and it's happening! 

We've been praying about this for years and many others have been praying in recent months. At our church on Sunday the worship leader reminded the church they've been praying for our sons' accommodation for eight months! So we're praising God for his provision and his ongoing leading. Of course he could have led us out of ministry in Japan and that would have been hard, but hopefully we would have been able to praise him for that too.

We've been watching a season of The Chosen recently and one of Jesus's disciples said, after witnessing a miracle, "I don't know why I continue to be surprised." This is how I feel. And I feel chastened regarding my lack of faith and trust in God. But also just thankful for God's provision.

Psalm 68:19 Praise be to the Lord, to God our Saviour, who daily bears our burdens. (NIV)

Part 2 is planned for next week. It will look different, but you’ll have to wait to hear that story!

Figuring out what God wants me to do

A close friend recently sent me a link to a very helpful Facebook post. It’s written by Martyn Iles, an Australia Christian who has had an unusually public profile in recent years (in Australia Christians don’t typically get much press). Who he is isn’t as important as the wise things he’s written, so I won’t write any more about him. He wrote this in a Facebook post, but sharing a Facebook post is only helpful if someone has a Facebook profile, so I’ve copied the text here (for my future reference, if nothing else):

How can I know what God would have me do?

When I speak to people personally, some variant of this question is possibly the most common question I am asked.

There is a four principled decision making framework which has never failed me yet.

Importantly, all four principles are to be discerned in the context of sincere prayer about the decision.

1. Circumstances

Your circumstances will change (or not), without your manipulation or control, in a way that enables or reveals the right course of action. Because God is sovereign and works providentially.

2. Scripture

If you are a habitual student of scripture, it is likely that your reading and study will speak into your circumstances in a way that confirms the right course of action. Because God speaks to us reliably in His word.

3. Peace

It may take time - it's often the final confirmation - but ultimately you will be at peace about the right decision. That is to say, it may be hard or daunting, but your conscience will quietly confirm it. Because the Spirit of God works in our conscience.

4. Patience

Wait. Wait. Wait. Wait. Wait!!!! STOP RUSHING! The scriptures are packed full with exhortations to "wait on the Lord." There are countless examples of God's slowness in the face of our hurry. Learn the discipline of patience or you will constantly make bad decisions. And you will *never* be worse off, or miss out, because you were patient. If you do, it just means it was never meant to be.

Now, you can be mistaken on one of the above - misreading circumstances, wrongly applying scripture, etc - but it is utterly unusual to be wrong about all four at the same time, especially in the context of patience and prayer.

When all four line up, that tends to be when I act. But often they don't, so I simply resist action, which is very hard.

Now, for matters of very great importance, I may have thought that all four principles were in alignment, yet the gravity of the decision was such that I was still reticent to make it.

In such circumstances, you can do a Gideon. You can pray for special confirmation and clarity - a "fleece." In His grace, God is ordinarily willing to provide it.

The alternative to the above is to plan your own way and make your own decisions, and expect God to catch up. That simply is not a life of faith. (End of the quote)

_____________

(Very annoyed right now because I've just lost several paragraphs here that I'd written here the other day...so on to to remembering what I wrote...)

What we see on earth is but a poor reflection of
what's truly going on (a much worse image than
we see here in a photo of the pond in the Japanese
garden at Mt Coot-tha).

I imagine that many people think that the decision of becoming a missionary must be one of the biggest we've ever made and that other decisions would be easy in comparison. While I could write much about the original decision, I will just say that there have been quite a number of times since then where decision making (and waiting for God's plan) has been hard.

A sample of times when this has seemed especially true in the last 25 years:

• When we were working towards to come to Japan and it took longer than we’d hoped
• When there was no teaching position for David in Japan for five years after we made ourselves available for that
• When my Japanese language ability never made it to a level suitable for working in it
• When I spent more time with sick kids than in doing any kind of outside ministry (or language learning) in our first term in Japan
• When our attempts to help our eldest learn Japanese language and culture by enrolling him in a Japanese primary school failed (we had to move him out after just 15 months)
• When we nearly didn’t get back to Japan in a timely fashion five years ago due to financial reasons
• When one of our sons encountered difficulties significant enough to derail our plan of moving him to Australia in 2021

Right now, as I've mentioned before, we're walking through the situation of seeking affordable rental accommodation for our younger two sons so that they can carry on their lives here while we head back to Japan. For various reasons we want to do that sooner rather than later.

What adds to the difficulty of this is not just that the rental system is under great stress here, but that our "public" lives mean that we've asked lots of people to pray about it, including our church. And people keep wanting updates. I want to jump straight to the end of the chapter and tell them a "success" story . . . but it's taking a while.

I really appreciated the wise older gentleman in our church who asked me last month, "Are you making progress?" 

This was a gentle and discerning way to ask and I could answer a wholehearted "YES". I felt encouraged, rather than needing to explain where we were up to and why we hadn't "succeeded" yet.

Back to the earlier quote, I really appreciate the emphasis on "wait". I am not naturally good at that, in general I tend to barrel ahead at considerable speed. Though I'd have to say that I have grown in this area in the decades since I became an adult. This particular waiting seems to be trying my patience and trust in God more than usual. But I'm trying hard to keep my eyes on Jesus.

I had coffee with a new friend this morning and we reflected on how we often don't know why God is doing something, or what his timing is, but we need to trust him regardless because he's so much wiser, more loving, and more powerful than us. That his thinking isn't the same as ours is clearly seen throughout the Bible, but perhaps no clearer than in the book of Job.

Here are a couple of verses I found along this line:

God’s voice thunders in marvellous ways; he does great things beyond our understanding.  (Jobe 27:5 NIV)

‘For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways,’ declares the Lord. ‘As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts.' (Is. 55:8–9)

So, we still await the end of this chapter of transitioning our sons to accommodation separate from us. It's going to be a good one! I can't wait to tell you about it!