He is not unable to sympathise when we grieve

This year I've been working on a big goal that I wrote about here in May last year when I was at the writer's retreat I organised, and then again in my first blog post this year. 

I took a big break in the middle of the year, but much of the rest of the year I've been trying to set aside some time on Friday mornings to think about and write chapters of a book that I'd like to see published. We'll see if publishing ends up happening, but I've discovered that if I literally write "Writing" on my calendar for a Friday morning and avoid having other meetings or outings that morning, I can usually settle down to write fairly well. However, if I don't do any of that, then I usually don't get anything done.

This morning I ended up with a 9 am meeting and I have not been able to settle to any book writing after that! But maybe I can write a blog post instead?

I'm in my 50s and have been living in Japan for about half my life! Life has changed greatly over that time, but there are still themes that keep coming back again and again. One of them is grief and loss. It's something I've written about many times here because it's something that keeps coming up. Everyone who has lived on this earth for more than a few years deals with loss and grief, but the cross-cultural life we live has a tendency to bring more of it into our daily lives than many people deal with.

I'm thinking about it at this time because a friend and colleague who has become very close in the last few years is leaving Japan permanently in February. It's a long, sad goodbye. Yesterday we had lunch together over a video call (we live on opposite sides of Tokyo), and finished with prayer for each other, and tears.

This is a reminder to me
of the time five years ago
when we had a picnic with
my friend and her family
on my birthday and she
baked me a cake :D

After our call finished I couldn't settle to my regular work. I don't know if it's true for others, but it's pretty normal that straight after a video call I can't just jump back into whatever is next on my list—especially if it is editing or a creative task like writing, and if the meeting or conversation was emotional, it's even harder. Yesterday I struggled to figure out what I could do to get myself back into the place where I could get things on my to do list done.

So, instead of ignoring the elephant in the room, I pondered grief. I looked at some of the things that I'd written about it in the past. I remembered talking to a psychologist about the grief I have accumulated over the years as I've said goodbye to many, many friends and colleagues. She mentioned the verse in Isaiah 53 that says Jesus was "acquainted with grief". So I looked that up.

I usually use the NIV version and it doesn't use those words, its translation is that Jesus "was despised and rejected by mankind, a man of suffering, and familiar with pain" (Isa. 53:3 NIV).

"Familar with pain" is the phrase they've used for "acquainted with grief".

ESV, RSV, and KJV use "a man of sorrows and acquainted with grief".

NLT "a man of sorrows, acquainted with deepest grief".

But what does "acquainted with grief" actually mean? "Acquainted" means to have personal knowledge of experience. It's stunning to think on this. Jesus knows about grief personally. 

He knew about grief before he came to earth as a man, actually, so I shouldn't be so surprised. The Old Testament tells us that God was grieved so many times by his people. One story of a conversation between Moses and God in Exodus 32 tells us how angry God was about Israel's disobedience when they made for themselves a golden calf and worshipped that instead of God.

The Lord said, “I have seen how stubborn and rebellious these people are. Now leave me alone so my fierce anger can blaze against them, and I will destroy them. Then I will make you, Moses, into a great nation.” But Moses tried to pacify the Lord his God. “O Lord!” he said. “Why are you so angry with your own people whom you brought from the land of Egypt with such great power and such a strong hand? (Ex. 11:9–10 NLT)

But we also see evidence of Jesus's grief in the New Testament. Of course when he wept at Lazarus's tomb and we know he lost John the Baptist to violent death (Matt. 14:13 says when he heard he immediately left in a boat to a remote area to be alone). But also in a larger sense we see his heart when he said "O Jerusalem, Jerusalem, the city that kills the prophets and stones God's messengers! How often I have wanted to gather your children together as a hen protects her chicks beneath her wings, but you wouldn't let me" (Matt. 23:37). Jesus also endured the pain of betrayal in Judas, something that must have been more painful because he knew it was coming?

As I pondered these things, I plucked my copy of Gentle and Lowly: The Heart of Christ for Sinners and Sufferers (by Dane Ortlund) off my bookshelf and scanned through some of the chapter titles and then text. Here are some snippets:

Whatever it means to be human (and to be human without sin), Jesus was, and is. And emotions are an essential part of being human. . . . Jesus experienced the full range of emotions that we do (p. 104).

He ponders Hebrews 4:15: "For we do not have a high priest who is unable to sympathize with our weaknesses, but one who in every respect has been tempted as we are, yet without sin" (ESV). Ortlund says:

The burden of this . . . verse is Jesus Christ's sheer solidarity with his people. . . . it is in "our weaknesses" that Jesus sympathizes with us. . . In our pain, Jesus is pained; in our suffering, he feels the suffering as his own even though it isn't—not that his invincible divinity is threatened, but in the sense that his heart is feelingly drawn into our distress." (p. 46). . . 

If you are in Christ, you have a Friend who, in your sorrow, will never lob down a pep talk from heaven. He cannot bear to hold himself at a distance. Nothing can hold him back. His heart is too bound up with yours (p. 51).

In Chapter 12 Ortlund considers again what it means for Jesus to be a tender friend. I think that was the most comforting thought in all this pondering. That, even when my close friend is no longer close, Jesus never leaves me. That my location is irrelevant in my relationship with him.

Christ's heart for us means that he will be our never-failing friend no matter what friends we do or do not enjoy on earth. He offers us a friendship that gets underneath the pain of our loneliness. While that pain does not go away, its sting is made fully bearable by the far deeper friendship of Jesus (p. 120).

None of this is especially new to me. I remember praying this in 2000, with tears, over my toddler, when we were grieving as we left Australia for the first time:

7 I can never escape from your Spirit!
I can never get away from your presence!
If I go up to heaven, you are there;
if I go down to the grave, you are there.
If I ride the wings of the morning,
if I dwell by the farthest oceans,
even there your hand will guide me,
and your strength will support me (Ps 139:7–10).

Nonetheless, we are forgetful beings, or at least I am! It's good to stop when things like this make us stumble, and remember in our hearts the truths we know in our heads.

It's a daily battle

Well, the last two blog posts have been really easy to write: from inside the writing retreat and then last week's wonderful news about our family. But today's isn't rolling off my fingers.

Last week I had a quiet week working at home with only one meeting. After a busy time at the retreat the previous week, it was good to counterbalance that with a more restful one. But it is when I'm not so busy, and also in the "slump" after a big, highly anticipated event, that doubts and negative thoughts start to creep into my mind.

Some of those internal voices I hear are words about how ineffective and useless I am, and you have to read that in the context of the organisation we're apart of and the reason we're in Japan. We're here because so few Japanese people follow Jesus. I talk and write about how important support ministry is (the name of the work that David and I are primarily involved in), but sometimes it feels like we're just not doing enough and by extension, are not enough. I think that is probably a common feeling amongst missionaries in this country. We don't talk about it much, but it's the big elephant in the room, and one reason that people burn out or fizzle out here.

Last week I felt particularly heavy-hearted about Japan as a nation (not about living here, but how tough a place it is for people to come to faith in Christ, and continue in that faith). In some weird way I found that sadness a comfort: Jesus himself wept over Jerusalem (Luke 19:41), surely he weeps over Japan too! It is right to be sad about those who don't know Christ.

But at the same time, I know we need to take heart and trust in God. He's got us (and our colleagues) here for a reason. Missionaries generally don't just decide to go off and "do stuff" in foreign countries, they are compelled by Scripture and the Holy Spirit to do this. It's hard to prove in black-and-white, but we're here due to an overwhelming sense that it's the right place to be serving God.

Earlier this week I saw this article "Tethering tightly" from A Life Overseas, and though the situation of the author differs from ours in various ways, she hits on some important points about persevering in this life of faith by thinking about the verse in John 15:

I am the vine, you are the branches; the one who remains in me, and I in him bears much fruit, for apart from me you can do nothing. (vs 5 NASB).

Here are some points that were good to be reminded of:

• Living abroad takes its toll. The layers of grief, hopes for the future, fatigue, and persevering through trials.
• We're called to remain steadfast in God, not to change our circumstances to get relief from our struggles or weakness.
• God is the vine, our stability in the midst of the constant changing human landscape. He's the only one who can truly satisfy us and strengthen us.
  
• I'm just a branch. I don't have all the answers or solutions. I'm part of it, but not expected to do everything or be everything.

  

  I also spent an hour with a new hairdresser as she
  tried to comprehend what I wanted to do with
  this unfamiliar "Western" hair. I think she did
  a good job in the end. I don't think I've ever had 
  someone try so hard. I learned a new, helpful
  word "nagamochi" which means "longlasting"
  and apparently can be applied to skinflint
  missionaries who don't want to pay for a haircut
  every other week!

• My job is mostly to remain in him and he will do the work, whatever work that he decides to do.
• It's simply not about me. About what I do, how I serve, what my productivity or lack of productivity is, what activities I do or complete, what things I tick off on my lists.

Please don't imagine that I've been curled up on the lounge in despair. I haven't! I've actually been moderately busy most days—writing, editing, reading, emailing, planning, thinking, etc. I could tell you several very encouraging things that happened in the last 10 days, not the least was, on Saturday, doing a bunch of baking for church, and getting a tonne of appreciation for that on Sunday! I also had a very encouraging time at a coffee shop with a new friend from church.

But it's a daily battle, isn't it? To keep our eyes fixed on Jesus. To remember that we're not the centre of the story. And to do our desperate best, despite our weak and distracted selves, to remain in Christ. Thankfully that's not up to us either. He's got us in a far more solid grasp than we'll ever be capable of.

What's my purpose now?

Tomorrow is the one-year anniversary since our role as parents-with-kids-living-in-our-house ended. Yes, "empty nesting" began. It's kinda hard to believe it's been a whole year, but then I look back at what we (and they) have done in those 52 weeks, and it's easier to believe :D 

It turns out that 24 years and 9 months is a long time. That's how long we had children living with us. And changing to not having any children at home anymore takes time to adjust to. Physically we've adjusted well to it—we like our little apartment and I've even managed to adjust my shopping and cooking to more appropriate quantities. But mentally and emotionally, it takes longer. Part of that is asking: What's my purpose now?

In quieter moments I find myself circling back to this question, like a dog with a bone. So, I searched my blog, as I often do, to see what I've written in the past. This one floored me a bit: 

Eight years ago I wrote this:

Because, as a mum, children take up so much of your time over so many years, it is easy to fall into the trap of feeling that that it is your purpose, your main reason for being on this earth, and that there is nothing else worth doing. Yet, it is not so. I had a life before I had kids. (They're always surprised to hear that.) It's going to take some rediscovering, but I'll have it again—a life without kids in it on a daily basis. After 24 years of parenting it will take some getting used to, but I'm already dreaming about the possibilities. (from here)

Good to know I had a little bit of foresight.

And I also wrote this:

Someone else who has written about slowing down recently is our Japan Field Director. He's been battling two types of blood cancer for about a year now. He's currently recuperating at home after a particularly rigorous round of chemo and a stem-cell transplant. He's a high achieving fellow, who, by his own words, used to "whizz...around like a hare". These days life for him is more like the famous tortoise. Here are some of the words from a Facebook post of his earlier in the month:

All of this has got me thinking about what it means to slow down. And it has got me thinking about what the Bible has to say about the pace of life. Certainly when you ponder the Bible generally, there are many examples of ‘waiting’ and ‘perseverance’, topics I've explored in earlier musings. The word ‘patience’ or ‘patiently’ comes up not a few times. But when I thought of the word ‘slow’ I couldn't think of many specific examples apart from a few well-known verses. So, the Lord is slow to anger. In the same way, we should be slow to anger and slow to speak (but quick to listen!) Peter speaks about slowness towards the end of his second letter in the context of time - with the Lord a day is like a thousand years and a thousand years like a day. 

As I considered this more, I came across this translation of Jeremiah 2:25. It's from The Message, so a paraphrase but nonetheless it makes the point very graphically - “Slow down. Take a deep breath. What's the hurry? Why wear yourself out? Just what are you after anyway? But you say, 'I can't help it. I'm addicted to alien gods. I can't quit.'” We may not be addicted to ‘alien gods’ but could we simply be addicted to activity and busyness? And all of that could just be a ‘chasing after the wind’ as one of the Bible’s wisdom books puts it. Or as one of the Psalms says - ‘in vain you rise early and stay up late’. There are quite a few ‘ouch’ passages in the Bible when we measure them against what our daily lives are actually like.

Many of us these days seem to live life simply moving from one thing to the next with little time in between to catch our breath, far less having time to reflect, meditate or even spend some unrushed time with God. And that can creep into family life, church life, corporate life, organisational life. There is so much to keep up with. But that begs some questions. Why do we need to keep up with the things we feel we need to keep up with? And are the things that we strive to keep up with the things we really need to be keeping up with at all? One valuable lesson that can be learned in the slow lane is simply to be able to take stock, reassess and consider what the priorities in life really ought to be. 

None of this is to say we should be lazy or live a life of constant leisure. There is plenty the Bible can teach us about that. But for a follower of Jesus, what should mark us out as different, what are the things that day by day should be core to our lives? Certainly we would want to serve him wholeheartedly and live our lives in a way that brings glory to his name. But while we might desire to be ‘about the Lord’s work’ to use an older phrase, that does not seem to me to mean that we should simply be dashing around in a constant blur of activity. As I have this time in the slow lane, I sometimes wonder whether as Christians, as churches, as mission organisations, we can easily get off track because we are so busy and active that we can actually no longer see the wood for the trees. And I know that as I say that, I am gradually needing to remove the plank from my own eye (if a tortoise can have a plank in its eye). Being forced to slow down is teaching me many things. I just hope I can apply these lessons well if I ever reach the point once again when I am healthy, energy-filled and able to be active. Help me God even then to be still and know that you are God.

The colleague who wrote that sadly never reached the point of being healthy and energy-filled, he transitioned to heaven about six weeks later.

A book on my shelf that I've picked up again recently, Heading Home by Naomi Reed, has some interesting thoughts about purpose too. The book is about the period in her family's life after they returned from several years of serving in Nepal as missionaries and were trying to figure out "what next". 

Lord, there are times in our lives when we feel purposeless. The dream is over. We don't even know what to do any more, or why. We keep coming up with new ideas but they don't really compare with the dream we used to have, or the life we used to live. . . But Lord, when we feel like this—lost and directionless and lonely—please remind us that we find our living in you; we find our focus in you. Remind us that being in you is enough and that you are our focus no matter what country we live in . . . for you discern our going out and our lying down, you hem us in behind and before. You're the reason we get out of bed. You're the reason  we make breakfast and stir the porridge . . . and every single day, as we settle here on the far side of the sea, your right hand will hold us fast. (p. 20)

A related question to "what is my purpose" is "what is my worth". I recently encountered this song by Keith and Kristyn Getty:

My Worth is Not In What I Own

My worth is not in what I own

Not in the strength of flesh and bone

But in the costly wounds of love

At the cross

My worth is not in skill or name

In win or lose, in pride or shame

But in the blood of Christ that flowed

At the cross

I rejoice in my Redeemer

Greatest treasure, wellspring of my soul

I will trust in Him, no other

My soul is satisfied in Him alone

As summer flowers, we fade and die

Fame, youth, and beauty hurry by

But life eternal calls to us

At the cross

I will not boast in wealth or might

Or human wisdom’s fleeting light

But I will boast in knowing Christ

At the cross

Two wonders here that I confess

My worth and my unworthiness

My value fixed, my ransom paid

At the cross

This stands out here: my value is fixed, therefore it won't be changed by whether not I am busy, whether or not I have people in my life who need me on a daily basis, by whether I am sick or energetic, by whether I think I'm doing something worthwhile, or by what other people think, whether I am youthful or old. My worth is in knowing Christ. I am unworthy of such an honour, but it secures my worth, and nothing changes that.

And so, my job is to remind myself of these truths regularly, and especially when I start feeling wobbly. To ask God to help me keep my eyes fixed on eternity, to find my confidence and refuge in Christ.

 

 

Expectations

Expectations play a big part in how we experience life.

One example is weather. We had a dinner party on Saturday night with three American friends. They all come from a cold part of the US. One of them experienced his first Tokyo winter earlier this year and he didn't feel it was cold enough! In contrast I had an online meeting last week with a young Filipino lady who visited Japan for a month early this year. I asked her how the cold weather was for her! She didn't come with any winter clothes (she didn't own any)! Thankfully she was able to get some here. She also saw snow for the first time and was amazed. Tokyo's winter was well and truly cold enough for her!

The contrasts in the above two stories aren't with who these people are, but the differences were their expectations which were shaped by life experiences.

Likewise, our 19 years of experience with Tokyo summers have led us to expect that the weather will cool down in early September—but this year it didn't, not until the 22nd! My expectations, sadly, made me unsettled and unhappy as I waited for the weather to change.

So why have expectations come to mind to write about today? Because as we've come into this new chapter of our lives I realise that I've held various expectations, and worse, imagined that other people had expectations of us. I don't think I've been living up to my expectations and certainly feel as though I fall short of what I imagine others expect of me.

Interestingly, as I've thought about this today I've had two sides to the "coin" brought to my attention:

Side 1: You're robbing God

Over lunch I listened to the sermon that was presented at our home church in Australia. It was on Malachi 3:3-12, entitled "Robbing God". It looked at how the Israelites were not giving God what was owed to him (the tithes and offerings he had told them to bring). In short, the application to us today was–are we robbing God by not generously giving. This isn't just in money, but in time and capacity. How can I serve God? Is my life a testimony to his goodness? 

Romans 12:1 "Therefore, I urge you, brothers and sisters, in view of God’s mercy, to offer your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and pleasing to God – this is your true and proper worship."

Many sermons and books and other things we say to one another are along this line: you're not good enough, you're not trying hard enough, you're not committed enough. My tendency towards rule keeping and wanting not to disappoint others (first born child?!) means I often end up beating myself up on this front.

Side 2: God's grace

This morning I read an article by a missionary in Japan. She wrote: "I regularly wrestle with wondering if God is disappointed in me." So do I! The article she wrote is here and is about the time when in a small Bible study with a couple of Japanese believers, she saw a different side of the Parable of the Workers that Jesus told (in Matthew 20:1-16). It's a story that showcases God's generosity, but also challenges our right to question God's choices. She was impressed that God's grace is not connected with our capacity to serve him, that God loves us and accepts us anyway.

My thoughts go to other places in the Bible that say similar things like:

Isaiah 40 where we're told God knows how frail we are and that our faithfulness doesn't endure (vs 6-8), and yet he holds us close like a shepherd holds a lamb to his chest (vs 11).

Mauve dancing ladies ginger, 
spotted in Geelong Botanical
Gardens in May. Isaiah 40
compares us to flowers that fall.
It's good to remember!

Psalm 103:13-14 Which talks about how God has compassion on us because he remembers we are "made of dust".

Psalm 139 which tells us that God knows even our secret thoughts and he knew us before we were born, he created us just as he wanted us to be, yet he also never leaves us, he always guides us and "holds us fast".

1 Corinthians 1:26-29 where it talks about how God chose (to be his disciples) the foolish, weak, low, and despised.

What are God's expectations of us? And, which of these two sides should we choose? Well, I say we need to choose both. Because, like many things, they are both true. It's not a black and white situation, though my small mind wants to make it so.

I both need to strive to obey God and do my best to offer my best to him, but I also need to rest in his grace, to know that he accepts me even when I don't meet my own (or my perception of others') expectations. My own bent is to be very hard on myself, so I probably need to lean towards the second side of the coin to counterbalance the "being good to earn God's approval" mentality that I so easily slip into.

How about you? Which of these is easier for you? How do you keep a balanced attitude to your expectations of yourself?

Trying to keep my eyes off the problem

Our daily prayers are full of "please God, we need certain things to be in place so that we can do what we perceive you want to us to do, but we're struggling to trust that you're going to come through on this. Please help us to trust, and forgive us for our lack of faith." 

Trusting God for our future is the overwhelming challenge I've got right now, and if you've been reading my blog you'll know that that tussle has been going on for some time. In fact I hesitate to write about it again, because it feels like I'm just a clanging gong, with only one topic.

I know that he's in control and that he loves me and will work out his purposes, that he will never leave us and that whatever happens is will work out for our good and his glory, but I struggle to stay in that posture of trust.

Prayer

Which brings me to the topic of prayer. The ladies at our home church (Grace Christian Church Redbank Plains) have started working through a book called A Praying Life: Connecting with God in a Distracting World by Paul E. Miller. Someone lent me the book late last year and with all the free time I've had, I've managed to read it all before we began discussing it. Last week's gathering, though, made me uncomfortably aware that my experience of prayer and those of many Australian Christians, is vastly different. I'm not boasting here, in fact I hesitate to write about my prayer life because Jesus told us to be quiet about our prayers (Luke 18:9–14; Matthew 6:5–6). My purpose here is just to show you what being a missionary with a Christian missionary organisation can be like.

Prayer is everywhere in our work. It's part of almost every meeting: large or small. It's not uncommon to be in the middle of a gathering and be asked to "turn to the person next to you and pray about these matters". For a few years I used to attend up to several prayer meetings each month with other parents at school (CAJ).

Additionally, I write a prayer/newsletter each month and are often asked by several different geographical (Japan, Australia, Queensland) branches of our organisation for prayer points. We receive regular prayer letters and prayer documents from those same branches, as well as from several missionaries who we pray for in more detail.

It adds up to a lot and boils down to an overall expectation by our organisation that we'll be personally praying for a lot, including our 120+ colleagues with OMF Japan and 70+ colleagues at CAJ. Not to mention 100+ OMF Australian colleagues. David and I have a system that enables us to pray for a good number of these people (though not everyone every day) and we do this before breakfast most days.

In addition to all the above, I have three friends who I can shoot a quick request: "Please pray, this is happening..., or "Please pray, I feel..." I have a few others who I sometimes will ask for specific prayer. And they do the same to me.

Over the years, steeped in this prayer-full environment, one of my first reactions when something difficult happens, is to ask certain people to pray, to share the burden, even if I can't find the words or energy to pray for myself.

From what I've observed, I don't think the above is the experience is common. It makes me feel amazingly blessed. People sometimes say, I don't know how you do what you do. Well, I would say it's primarily because of all this prayer. Yes, we pray for others, but we also have hundreds of people (potentially) praying for us, many of whom we've never met.

Right now a lot of people are praying for our sons. The prayers for one of them has been answered: he's found a house in a good location and housemates, he's also got a short-term job that will bolster his bank account. But we're waiting on answers for the other son, the one who has had an especially rough road over the last few years. Our hearts ache, but we're being bolstered by many who pray for us. And wait . . . and wait . . . and wait . . . to tell you, and many others, the answers to those prayers.

Like a grasshopper

Image by Marc Pascual from Pixabay

This morning I was reminded of a Bible story that impacted me at a camp in my last year of high school. We spent time looking at Numbers 13 and 14, the story of the 12 Israelite spies that were sent to check out the land that God was taking them to. They came back bearing amazing fruit from the land, but also stories about how impossible it would be for the Israelites to invade the land (which is what they assumed they'd have to do). They emphasised how big and strong those living in the land were. They used this metaphor: "We seemed like grasshoppers in our own eyes, and we looked the same to them."

Two of the 12 men, Caleb and Joshua, opposed the others, saying that if this was God's plan, he would do it: "The Lord is with us. Do not be afraid of them." They focused on God, not on the problem. So often I focus on the problem!

The story continues with all the Israelites latching onto the bad report and complaining, suggesting it would be better to go back to Egypt (and, one assumes, the captivity that awaited them there). The Bible records an interesting interaction between God and Moses. God complains to Moses about the Israelites, a cites a plan to destroy the whole nation and push on with Moses and his descendants. Moses pushes back and points out that the nations would see what's happened and assume that God couldn't do what he set out to do. He appeals to God's character and asks him to show his strength by forgiving the Israelites. God relents, but his new plan is that none of those 20 or older who were counted in the census earlier on their journey would enter the Promised Land, except Caleb and Joshua, and that it would be 40 more years of wandering in the wilderness.

When Moses reported this to the people, they mourned, said they'd sinned, and decided to go to invade the Promised Land anyway, the very next day. Much like when I was a kid and tried to get out of a punishment after being caught. And yep, they went and got beaten, because God wasn't with them.

It's an extraordinary story. I feel like a grasshopper just now. I did back in year 12 too, when I was facing the end of high school and all the unknowns of the following year. I rather think God prefers that we feel like grasshoppers and so rely on him for strength, rather than our own.

It's a story that shows us how serious God takes grumbling against him. But also shows how a plan won't succeed if it's going against God's plans. For sure there's a lot I don't know about God and his guidance and leading, I'm no expert at all, just a lay person reading my Bible. But also a person seeking to follow God's will. I'm prone to be impatient and to grumble about God's timing, yet I'm also trying to trust God in the midst of it all. Keeping my eyes focused on God instead of the problem is probably the key, just like it was in this story as well as the story of David and Goliath!

Are you facing a giant of a problem right now? How do you keep your eyes off the problem and fixed on God?

A couple of admissions

I've had lots of space for thinking recently. Sometimes it feels like too much space.

We enjoyed the simple pleasure of catching
up with "old" friends on Saturday.

A shocking truth: not trusting God. Yep, that's me.

After we moved here in July, I re-joined our home church's Friday morning Ladies Bible study. They had been studying Trusting God by Jerry Bridges. Of course, coming in more than halfway through the year was a disadvantage. (For my northern hemisphere readers: Much of Australian life runs on a calendar year. Many things, including school, start in mid or late January after the long Christmas/summer holidays and finish in November or December. So arriving in July or August often means you've missed half a year of something.) 

One of the ladies gave me a copy of the book they were studying, one that I have actually owned since I was a uni student, but I think it's in storage in Japan. It's a long time since I read it, so I've gone back to read from the start of the book. 

It really is basic stuff that I know, but stuff that I keep forgetting, or maybe "forgetting" is too strong a word, possibly "lose sight of" could be better? I am still not really good at applying truths I know in my head to my emotions. Emotions grab hold of me and before I know it my body is showing signs of stress. When I take a step back and think about what’s going on, more often than not I realise it's because I've stopped trusting that "God's providence is his constant care for and his absolute rule over all his creation for his own glory and the good of his people" (Trusting God, p. 13).

So, I was encouraged to read Bridges write (about his own pilgrimage of seeking to come to a place of trusting God at all times), "I am still far from the end of the journey." It is good to remember that it is a journey, and one that won’t be finished until we’re in heaven.

Entitled thinking 

Additionally I've been thinking about how easy it is for missionaries to slip into entitled thinking. A few weeks ago a close friend caught me thinking that way—my guard was down because she is such a good friend, and I was shocked to hear what came out of my mouth. I still feel ashamed as I see how easy it is to slip into thinking that because I'm a missionary I deserve certain things and deserve better things. And then complaining when I don't get them! And then I saw this quote: 

"You cannot possibly have a sense of entitlement—thinking you deserve only good and beautiful things–when you truly realize that you don't deserve anything good if not for God's grace, extended from his throne."—Mel Caparrow, Enough is Enough

Ouch!

I think "truly realize" is one thing, but always remembering it is another. The dictionary.com definition of "realize" is to "become fully aware of (something) as a fact; understand clearly". I really do understand these truths pretty clearly, but, as I wrote about earlier, applying them to my heart is another matter.

Need to be careful where I put my focus

I need to be more thankful, and more repentant when I notice thoughts like this entering my head. I'm thankful my friend caught me in this. She didn't rebuke me directly, but what she said made me stop and think about what I'd just said.

In the end I think many of the issues that we deal with (anxiety, entitled thinking, anger, fear, discontent etc.) stem back to not trusting God. And this reminds me of a favourite book of mine (that’s also in storage in Tokyo), Awe by Paul Tripp that traces the things we struggle with back to our lack of awe of God, our forgetting how amazing and completely capable and loving he is. I wrote about another book by Jerry Bridges a few years back (here), which also traces what he calls “hidden sins” back to a lack of trust in God’s character:

“The importance of a firm belief in the sovereignty, wisdom, and goodness of God in all the circumstances of our lives. Whether those circumstances are short-term or long-term, our ability to respond to them in a God-honoring and God-pleasing manner depends on our ability and willingness to bring these truths to bear on them. And we must do this by faith; that is, we must believe that the Bible's teaching about these attributes really is true and that God has brought or allowed these difficult circumstances in our lives for his glory and our ultimate good” (Hidden Sins, Bridges, p. 76).

“When I refocus, I take my eyes off my problems, and shift them onto the Lord — and I choose to trust him. Trust him even when my situation looks black. Trust him that he is working for my good. Trust him that he knows what is best.” (From here.)

Remembering this is so important: "No good thing does he withhold from those who walk uprightly" (Psalm 84:11). 

In the last two weeks we received disappointing news on two fronts. Not devastating news, just what felt like setbacks to our plans. But obviously our plans weren’t God’s plans and we need to continue to trust he’ll guide us as we seek to work our way through settling our younger two sons in Australia so that we can return to Japan next July. So I return to one of my favourite passages from the Bible:

Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles. And let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us, fixing our eyes on Jesus, the pioneer and perfecter of faith. For the joy set before him he endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. Consider him who endured such opposition from sinners, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart" (Heb. 12:1–3, NIV).

Ah, it is so easy to lose heart. I'm feeling flat today and I think it's partly a losing-heart symptom. Life is hard. God didn't promise us anything else. So the only option is to keep our eyes focused on him.

I've rambled on long enough, it's time to publish this now (I've been writing it for a couple of weeks as I tried to process the rollercoaster of emotions I've been riding).

Food, awkward conversations, and trust

I've had time to think about a lot of things. Here are some of them:

Providing food for an itinerant family (on a budget)

As I explained in my last post, we've been travelling around Queensland in the last month, sometimes with our own kitchen and sometimes with family (and the presumption that they will organise meals). Planning and grocery shopping has moved to a slightly higher challenge level. I've mostly stuck with the simple options, but trying to keep things healthy means not every night can be pies, pizza, or sausage rolls. Not to mention that I just get bored too easily. 

But cooking dinners without a pantry means you're often missing those important extras like salt, vinegar, or flour—the things I think of as staples, that you buy once every few months, but not for a flying visit of a few weeks. And as one who is not only on a budget but is averse to waste, it's not easy to come up with good meals for hungry young men (not to mention David and me).

Here are some of the evening meals I've ended up making:

• sausages and veggies
• chicken wraps
• bacon, eggs, and damper (like soda bread, it's quick wheat bread made with baking soda as a rising agent, not yeast)
• dry rub (garlic flavour) on chicken drumsticks, with rice and veggies
• BBQ (beef patties on bread rolls)
• Japanese curry (roux bought in shops)
• roast lamb

It's a mix of things that we enjoy about Australian food, plus some comfort food we're familiar with from home in Japan. It's worked fairly well, though I'm also dealing with the unfamiliar electric stove/hob. In Japan we use gas, and it's a quite a mental shift to go to electric again. Gas is just so fast! The stove top at our current abode is also complicated—I needed to pull out the instruction manual a couple of times! Plus, adjustments are needed due to the different types of equipment in a kitchen that's not my own, for example, where we are right now has a rice cooker (yay!) but no "rice" cup (180ml). Also there's no potato masher or big-sized tongs.

We're only in our own place until the end of this month. Then David and our youngest son go back to Japan. I'm here with our middle son for another six or so weeks, during which we'll be living with other people. That's going to provide different challenges, too, I'm sure. But at least they'll have a pantry with staples in it.

Spotting a missionary out of their “natural” habitat 

Have you ever spotted a missionary out of their "natural" habitat? We expect that missionaries are either in their country of service, doing what ever they do. Or if they are in their passport country, they will be doing home assignment. As we've met people during these last few weeks in Australia, we've answered questions that made us realise that our presence here is a surprise, or even a tad unsettling. We're not in Japan and nor are we doing deputation. "Here to see family" seems an acceptable answer, but "on holidays" is a bit strange, especially when we're in Brisbane (which isn't really a standard holiday destination). However, if someone is willing to stick around and ask good questions, I get to explain a little about the challenges we're facing in transitioning our middle son from high school in Japan to adult life in Australia and that this is one way that we're trying to help navigate that gap. 

I anticipate it's going to get more difficult to explain in August. Then I will be back at work, but will still be in Brisbane. I work from my home office in Tokyo, and will be doing the same here in Brisbane for a few weeks. That's definitely going to be a bit tricky to explain.

But I'm not the only missionary with our organisation working in Australia. Did you know that we have quite a lot of people who work here? Their work helps us stay in Japan, but also they help recruit others to join us. I imagine they often face this challenge in explaining their roles. I know that they struggle to find sufficient financial support (yes, they are supported by gifts from others, just like we are).

Trusting God

I'm also thinking about this. We've been given the gift of time away from work, but it's been harder to "be still" in the midst of that than I might have guessed. Being still and not being consumed with lots of to-dos means there's more time to think. And of course with that comes the thoughts about "bad things that could happen", especially surrounding our upcoming flights back to Japan. I woke up yesterday morning with that all running around in my head and it took a while to shake it off.

One tempting way to avoid getting stuck in that bad place is to fill up my schedule with lot of other things to entertain or distract. 

Another way is to focus on God's character and his all sufficiency. We're so tempted to rely on our own strength: "you've got this" is the classic. In reality we're very fragile and easily knocked over. There's so much that we simply don't have ultimately control over. Even if it looks like we do, things happen that show that that isn't truly the case.

I was reminded of Isaiah 40 yesterday, but also Job 38–42. Both passages remind us of how mighty God is, and how relatively small we are in comparison. Job said: 

“I know that you can do all things; no purpose of yours can be thwarted" (42:2 NIV).

Paul wrote that the Lord said to him: “'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.' Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me" (2 Corinthians 12:9 NIV).

And: "Not that we are sufficient in ourselves to claim anything as coming from us, but our sufficiency is from God" (2 Cor. 3:5 ESV).

And Jeremiah prayed: "Ah, Lord God! It is you who have made the heavens and the earth by your great power and by your outstretched arm! Nothing is too hard for you" (Jer. 32:17 ESV). God responded, "Behold, I am the Lord, the God of all flesh. Is anything too hard for me?" (vs 27).

The Psalmist wrote: "Why are you cast down, O my soul and why are you in turmoil within me? Hope in God; for I shall again praise him, my salvation and my God" (Ps. 42:11 ESV).

And these things are what I should be directing my thoughts to when I start dwelling on what could go wrong!

(Check out this article for more about El Shaddai, the all sufficient God.)

Meet David and Wendy

I've been thinking about this too, and our rough plan at this point is to take a picnic lunch to Rocks Riverside Park in Brisbane on Saturday 30th July, probably from around 11.30. If you're local and would like to join us, please do. To help locate us, I'll plan to wear my bright red jumper. We don't have any chairs, so we'll try to find a table somewhere.

Spiritual emergency kit

The forest outside the chapel where we met to
contemplate these three questions. We could 
only see glimpses through the narrow
windows of the auditorium. It was nice to
nip out and snap a photo.

A wall of faith

This was the topic at the women's retreat I went on late last week. The theme was based on the idea that you identify (and memorise) Scriptures and other “bricks” like songs, quotes, etc. that will help you weather difficult times. Especially times when you don’t have access to a Bible or phone. For example in the middle of the night when your thoughts are swirling around getting snagged on negatives and dragging you down into anxiety and stress. Or when you’re sitting with your loved one waiting for an ambulance to arrive. Or stuck in traffic and late for an appointment and feeling anxious.

Our speaker split these into three easy-to-remember categories, the foundation being—who is God? Followed by—who am I? And then—why am I here?

These are really fundamental questions. We were encouraged to find our own “bricks” in these categories at the retreat, bricks that have particular significance to us. But that was too much for me to contemplate while I was at the retreat. My desire was to soak in being present with these precious women. That turned out to be about all I could cope with. Now there is time to reflect on the messages and come up with some of my own verses. There are so many! Here are some I might add to my spiritual emergency kit:

Who is God?

He can do all things, no plan of his is thwarted. Job 42:2

He is our refuge and strength, an every-present help in trouble. Psalm 46:1

He is a shepherd who tenderly takes care of his flock (us). Isaiah 40:11

He is the everlasting God, the Creator of the ends of the earth. Isaiah 40:28

He is my rock, my fortress, and my deliverer. Psalm 18:2

My provider. Matthew 7:11–33

“When you don't understand, when you don't see his plan, when you can’t trace his hand, trust his heart” From a song "Trust his heart" by Babbie Mason

He goes before me: “The Lord himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged.” Deuteronomy 31:8

Who am I?

Created and called by God, not a mistake. Ps 139                                    

Precious. 1 Peter 2:4

Loved. Jeremiah 31:3

Alien and a stranger on earth 1 Peter 2:11 but now a member of God’s household Ephesians 2:19

Why am I here?

I’m here to do his will, even if that means sitting still. “Be still before the Lord and wait patiently for him.” Psalm 37:7 

To declare the praises of God. 1 Peter 2:9

To glorify God by serving with the strength he provides. 1 Peter 4:11

Because God wants me here. Ps 139:16

To do good works that God has prepared beforehand. Ephesians 2:10

Competent because God makes me that way. 2 Cor. 3:5

I'm not good at memorising, but already can see how helpful this might be. A couple of times since Friday I've been stuck in that spot halfway between sleep and wakefulness, and thinking through those of these that I could remember has been helpful and has calmed my heart, even if I can't remember all the verses, I can remember the key point. And now I've written them down, I can review them when I need to!

How about you? Do you have answers to these questions that help you when times are tough?

Feeling very ordinary

I don’t like being in a season where margin is almost non-existent. I try not to go there, but sometimes it’s unavoidable. Thankfully I have daily and weekly routines that help sustain me through them, but it’s not a healthy place to be. 

It feels like that for weeks I’ve been dwelling in the land of the urgent: dealing with what’s most urgent each day. And important things have had to wait until they are urgent before they are dealt with. As I look at the weeks ahead, I hope that that crazy season is coming to an end for now and that I’ll be able to take a few more breaths between the urgent tasks.

Last Friday I was able to combine a household responsibility with being a friend and being heard by a friend. I drove, with a friend, to Costco (about 45 minutes from here). Lots of time to talk in the car and over lunch, punctuated in the middle with the practical task of acquiring items for each of our households. This is something we do every 2–3 months. Noting that we don’t talk while we shop! I need my wits about me at Costco, and shopping is one thing I struggle to multitask on.

On Saturday the most urgent thing seemed to be to rest, but there were a few “household” things to do also. As an adult, and a mum, and a wife, many responsibilities don’t simply fall away when you are tired. But I managed to have a pretty restful day, nonetheless

Ironically, one of the urgent things I’ve been plugging away at these last few weeks is the working on latest issue of Japan Harvest magazine. The theme of the issue is “rest”! I’ve got a pretty cool job, in that to do it involves learning and thinking about life in ways that are often quite personal. This magazine issue has been both helpful and confronting, as I've read about other people’s journeys and thoughts on the theme of rest. When you work on a magazine you work first on the bits, but then gradually the bits come together to form a whole and it can be a surprise to see the final result. I’m looking forward to seeing what it looks like as a whole. 

Now I’ve committed something of a writing crime here—I started this blog post, not knowing where it was going or what I really wanted to say. What’s my purpose in writing this? My goal to writing one blog post a week propels me onwards (and I missed last week), but my overarching goal for this whole blog, what I’ve been doing for nearly 13 years now, is writing about my “ordinary” life. Trying to give you, my readers, a glimpse into what the life of this person, who’s called to be a missionary, is like. Too often people called missionaries are put up on pedestals and believed to be something beyond ordinary. I feel pretty ordinary at the moment. I’m tired. I’ve got some very ordinary responsibilities weighing on my shoulders, as well as a few more unusual ones. True, my life as a missionary means I face some less-than-ordinary things, but I face them as an ordinary human.

My ordinary life last week included being a single mum. David was away in Kyoto helping with the accreditation assessment of a school there. We were not able to talk while he was away as his schedule was so full. …. So my lot has been all my own jobs, plus his, plus a busy week of work, plus looking after my boys (who are older and easier in many ways than when they were younger, although emotionally I think harder). Thankfully David got back on Thursday evening, and we both fell into bed exhausted.

This week has been a lot slower paced. School had its long-weekend, so called "winter break", which meant a five-day weekend for students and less for teachers (David got about three days off). Because I was still tired, I also worked minimally on Monday and Tuesday morning and I'm glad I did.

This morning I took one of my sons to a doctor's appointment at a hospital. It wasn't local, so took up most of the morning. It was also stressful for a few different reasons, so I took my time over lunch. It's really strange, after so many weeks of only having time for the urgent, that this week I'm finally out in front and able to take a few deep breaths. I'm thankful.

I won't lie to you, I've not been a bundle of cheerfulness this week. But I recognise that with the burden of frantic busyness lifted for the time being, I've got time to process some of the emotions of the last couple of months that have been pushed aside along with the other important and not-so-urgent things that I haven't had time for.

I was brought to tears by a post from Proverbs 31 ministries yesterday morning: 

Oh friend, we see you. We know you’re tired. We know you’re worn out and weary. We know your circumstances are weighing you down, with a heaviness on your chest that never seems to ease up.

It may feel impossible to keep going when the circumstances we face each day don’t seem to let up. But there is good news for us today: God is strong enough to carry us through these hard times.

Psalm 24:8 describes God this way, “Who is the King of glory? The Lord strong and mighty, The Lord mighty in battle.”

Our God remains strong and mighty through every battle we face.

When our hearts are heavy, our eyes are tired and our souls are worn down, we can have confidence that God will hold us up and keep us going.

His strength will never fail us, friend.

This morning as I faced that hospital trip, I was trying to cling to the promise that God gives us strength. No idea how that works, but it's clearly there in his Word. I tell you, I'm leaning into this promise, and not just for this morning:

He gives power to the faint,
    and to him who has no might he increases strength.
30 Even youths shall faint and be weary,
    and young men shall fall exhausted;
31 but they who wait for the Lord shall renew their strength;
    they shall mount up with wings like eagles;
they shall run and not be weary;
    they shall walk and not faint. (Isaiah 40:29–31 NIV)

Weariness

Anyone else feeling tired? I feel like I'm doing a reasonable job of looking after myself, but I still feel like I'm weary.

Yesterday, when I began this post, I was feeling particularly exhausted. Is it the strain of the pandemic catching up to me? Is it the strain of our personal family struggles from the last year? Or perhaps it's just hormones? Or maybe it's a combination of all of the above? Last month I was putting it down to the struggle to sleep at night when the temps and humidity were so high, but that has eased in the last week. Maybe I just need to catch up?

Just remembering our August camping trip, which already
seems so long ago!

Sigh. 

So yesterday, when I was feeling particularly fatigued, I did two things, no three.  I started this blog post! I took a novel and lay down for a while. And I took a wander through the Bible looking for the word "strength". This is one of my favourite ways to search the Bible for a perspective on something I'm struggling with. I didn't spend long on it, but it was illuminating.

First, strength is something that God is described as having and giving. And second, it is something that humans struggle to have, something that people in the Bible go to God to ask for.

1 Chron. 16:11, 27, 28 (context, David singing after bringing the ark of the covenant to Jerusalem):

Seek the Lord and his strength;

seek his presence continually! . . .

Splendor and majesty are before him;

strength and joy are in his place.

Ascribe to the Lord, O families of the peoples,

ascribe to the Lord glory and strength!

Then a verse came up that was very precious to me the first time one of my kids was admitted to a Japanese hospital. Yes, I clearly remember being at the end of my strength that time, and that God helped me through.

Ps 46:1:
God is our refuge and strength, a very present help in trouble.

David wrote quite a lot about strength: God's strength, his own need of strengthening, and that God was his source and refuge: 

Ps 59:16: But I will sing of your strength; I will sing aloud of your steadfast love in the morning. For you have been to me a fortress and a refuge in the day of my distress. 

Ps 105:4: Seek the Lord and his strength; seek his presence continually!

God also is quoted many times as saying: don't be afraid, I'm with you.

Isaiah 41:10: 

Fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.

And a common benediction, that we don't necessarily pay attention to at the end of worship services:

Romans: 16:25: 

Now to him who is able to strengthen you

And the first, famous passage that came to my mind before I searched for anything: 

Isaiah 40: 28-31

Have you not known? Have you not heard?

The Lord is the everlasting God,

    the Creator of the ends of the earth.

He does not faint or grow weary; 

 his understanding is unsearchable.

29 

He gives power to the faint,

    and to him who has no might he increases strength.

30 

Even youths shall faint and be weary,

    and young men shall fall exhausted;

31 

but they who wait for the Lord shall renew their strength;

    they shall mount up with wings like eagles;

they shall run and not be weary;

    they shall walk and not faint.

And then a key verse for us personally as we serve in mission:

1 Peter 4:11: Whoever serves, as one who serves by the strength that God supplies—in order that in everything God may be glorified through Jesus Christ. 

So my conclusion: I need to continue to do my best to take care of things like resting and having appropriate boundaries, but I also need to keep asking God for strength and relying on him to give that at the right times. No magic cure, but it was a good moment to stop and refocus. 

Oh, and we're also planning another lily pad: a camping trip next month!