Trying to keep my eyes off the problem

Our daily prayers are full of "please God, we need certain things to be in place so that we can do what we perceive you want to us to do, but we're struggling to trust that you're going to come through on this. Please help us to trust, and forgive us for our lack of faith." 

Trusting God for our future is the overwhelming challenge I've got right now, and if you've been reading my blog you'll know that that tussle has been going on for some time. In fact I hesitate to write about it again, because it feels like I'm just a clanging gong, with only one topic.

I know that he's in control and that he loves me and will work out his purposes, that he will never leave us and that whatever happens is will work out for our good and his glory, but I struggle to stay in that posture of trust.

Prayer

Which brings me to the topic of prayer. The ladies at our home church (Grace Christian Church Redbank Plains) have started working through a book called A Praying Life: Connecting with God in a Distracting World by Paul E. Miller. Someone lent me the book late last year and with all the free time I've had, I've managed to read it all before we began discussing it. Last week's gathering, though, made me uncomfortably aware that my experience of prayer and those of many Australian Christians, is vastly different. I'm not boasting here, in fact I hesitate to write about my prayer life because Jesus told us to be quiet about our prayers (Luke 18:9–14; Matthew 6:5–6). My purpose here is just to show you what being a missionary with a Christian missionary organisation can be like.

Prayer is everywhere in our work. It's part of almost every meeting: large or small. It's not uncommon to be in the middle of a gathering and be asked to "turn to the person next to you and pray about these matters". For a few years I used to attend up to several prayer meetings each month with other parents at school (CAJ).

Additionally, I write a prayer/newsletter each month and are often asked by several different geographical (Japan, Australia, Queensland) branches of our organisation for prayer points. We receive regular prayer letters and prayer documents from those same branches, as well as from several missionaries who we pray for in more detail.

It adds up to a lot and boils down to an overall expectation by our organisation that we'll be personally praying for a lot, including our 120+ colleagues with OMF Japan and 70+ colleagues at CAJ. Not to mention 100+ OMF Australian colleagues. David and I have a system that enables us to pray for a good number of these people (though not everyone every day) and we do this before breakfast most days.

In addition to all the above, I have three friends who I can shoot a quick request: "Please pray, this is happening..., or "Please pray, I feel..." I have a few others who I sometimes will ask for specific prayer. And they do the same to me.

Over the years, steeped in this prayer-full environment, one of my first reactions when something difficult happens, is to ask certain people to pray, to share the burden, even if I can't find the words or energy to pray for myself.

From what I've observed, I don't think the above is the experience is common. It makes me feel amazingly blessed. People sometimes say, I don't know how you do what you do. Well, I would say it's primarily because of all this prayer. Yes, we pray for others, but we also have hundreds of people (potentially) praying for us, many of whom we've never met.

Right now a lot of people are praying for our sons. The prayers for one of them has been answered: he's found a house in a good location and housemates, he's also got a short-term job that will bolster his bank account. But we're waiting on answers for the other son, the one who has had an especially rough road over the last few years. Our hearts ache, but we're being bolstered by many who pray for us. And wait . . . and wait . . . and wait . . . to tell you, and many others, the answers to those prayers.

Like a grasshopper

Image by Marc Pascual from Pixabay

This morning I was reminded of a Bible story that impacted me at a camp in my last year of high school. We spent time looking at Numbers 13 and 14, the story of the 12 Israelite spies that were sent to check out the land that God was taking them to. They came back bearing amazing fruit from the land, but also stories about how impossible it would be for the Israelites to invade the land (which is what they assumed they'd have to do). They emphasised how big and strong those living in the land were. They used this metaphor: "We seemed like grasshoppers in our own eyes, and we looked the same to them."

Two of the 12 men, Caleb and Joshua, opposed the others, saying that if this was God's plan, he would do it: "The Lord is with us. Do not be afraid of them." They focused on God, not on the problem. So often I focus on the problem!

The story continues with all the Israelites latching onto the bad report and complaining, suggesting it would be better to go back to Egypt (and, one assumes, the captivity that awaited them there). The Bible records an interesting interaction between God and Moses. God complains to Moses about the Israelites, a cites a plan to destroy the whole nation and push on with Moses and his descendants. Moses pushes back and points out that the nations would see what's happened and assume that God couldn't do what he set out to do. He appeals to God's character and asks him to show his strength by forgiving the Israelites. God relents, but his new plan is that none of those 20 or older who were counted in the census earlier on their journey would enter the Promised Land, except Caleb and Joshua, and that it would be 40 more years of wandering in the wilderness.

When Moses reported this to the people, they mourned, said they'd sinned, and decided to go to invade the Promised Land anyway, the very next day. Much like when I was a kid and tried to get out of a punishment after being caught. And yep, they went and got beaten, because God wasn't with them.

It's an extraordinary story. I feel like a grasshopper just now. I did back in year 12 too, when I was facing the end of high school and all the unknowns of the following year. I rather think God prefers that we feel like grasshoppers and so rely on him for strength, rather than our own.

It's a story that shows us how serious God takes grumbling against him. But also shows how a plan won't succeed if it's going against God's plans. For sure there's a lot I don't know about God and his guidance and leading, I'm no expert at all, just a lay person reading my Bible. But also a person seeking to follow God's will. I'm prone to be impatient and to grumble about God's timing, yet I'm also trying to trust God in the midst of it all. Keeping my eyes focused on God instead of the problem is probably the key, just like it was in this story as well as the story of David and Goliath!

Are you facing a giant of a problem right now? How do you keep your eyes off the problem and fixed on God?

Retirement planning!

January is turning into quite a social month, as many people have a little more free time before school and many other activities start in a week or so. I’ve struggled to find time to write this week, but do have a post I started before Christmas that didn’t seem quite festive enough at the time. So here it is:

We've been working on longer-term financial planning these last few months. We do short-term financial planning each year as our mission requires us to put together a budget, which gives a set support figure to judge how our support is going. This is a complex, but helpful process that means we're using our resources responsibly, and anticipating future (near) needs as best we can, for example the need to fly to home assignment, or to go to a conference, or buy “new” furniture or a car after home assignment, or replace our aging computer. All these things are budgeted for well in advance. Australia is more expensive than Japan these days, so we budget for our living expenses over several years preceding each home assignment.

We don’t have much of a garden: in
many ways this is a blessing because
it doesn’t take much of our time, so
we’re freed up to devote ourselves to
other things. We do get to enjoy gardens
that other people maintain, though, also 
known as parks!

But as we've both entered our 50s this last term, we decided it would be good to talk to a financial planner about the longer-term future. We wanted an expert's opinion on how are things looking for a retirement in Australia sometime before we hit 70.

Well, we've been very encouraged. We found a Christian who has given us a significant discount for his assistance. And he's given us reassurance that, from what he can see and what he knows, from a worldly perspective, we'll be okay. Of course we have no idea what God will provide, but look forward to seeing that too!

It's at this point that we're very thankful that God led us to be part of a mission organisation that takes long-term member care seriously. And also that we live in a country where financial planning for the future is also taken seriously. So, both of us have had the organisations we've worked for contributing to our superannuation funds (US readers: similar to 401(k)) since we started working in our early 20s, yes, even when we've been working overseas, and these funds are adding up.

This part of life not something missionaries talk about very much. Most people only hear about finance from missionaries when they are in need of more financial support for the immediate future.

But also, in mission circles there is also an understanding that God provides in amazing ways that you can't anticipate. He has been providing for us for the last 23 years, why wouldn't he provide for us in the future, and into retirement too?

It's pretty obvious to us, as we come back each time, that most of our peers are doing things like buying houses, some even getting to the point of finishing paying off their mortgage. We don't own any property. The biggest thing we own is a car. We can't afford to buy real estate in Australia, partly because most of the time we can't live in a house we'd buy in Australia. But we also shy away from the anxieties that arise from owning property in a country where you don't live and from the stress of a mortgage. We've seen the stress that that can cause missionaries (maintenance issues, complex financial affairs that are hard to deal with remotely, tenant issue, etc.).

It’s easy to start to rely on the figures on a spreadsheet though, to trust in that, instead of our Heavenly Father. God has ways of reminding of us of that. But the best thing to do, when we’re distracted by all the dialogue around us (in the media as well as in conversation with friends) about real estate, mortgages, money, banks, stuff to buy, etc, is to go back to God’s word. One of the places Jesus directly addressed these things is in Matthew 6 where he said:

So do not worry, saying, “What shall we eat?” or “What shall we drink?” or “What shall we wear?”  For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them.  But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.  Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.

We’re grateful we don’t have much stuff to take up a lot of our time to maintain, but it’s in the mental zone that we need to fight the battle not to worry (at least it is for me).

Looking ahead to 2024

Image by Gordon Johnson from Pixabay

It is my habit at the start of January to look ahead to the next 12 months in my first blog post of the year. Of course I can't predict what will happen or how it will turn out! And what better reminder of that uncertainty when we watch Japan live through more disasters only hours after we've wished everyone a "happy new year"!

Despite that, it's useful to both look ahead and also look back. 

One example of how this reflecting and anticipating can help is that when I look back at this time last year I remember that 2023 looked like a lot of hard work. Plus there were lots of things that we really didn't know how we were going to achieve and I felt anxious about. But now that the year is over I realise that we did make it through all of that, with God's help. Yes it was hard, but also there were good surprises along the way (like the house we're living in and the furniture we're using) and many of the disasters that I imagined never occurred. With this in mind I can approach 2024 knowing that, though there's hard work ahead and some things that seem impossible, time next year I'll hopefully be able to look back and have the same realisation: that God's walked with us through it all and provided all that we've needed.

We see it in the Bible too: God encouraged the Israelites to look back at what he'd done for them in the past and to trust that he'll work again on their behalf in the future. This is stated very clearly in Deuteronomy 7:

You may say to yourselves, ‘These nations are stronger than we are. How can we drive them out?’ But do not be afraid of them; remember well what the Lord your God did to Pharaoh and to all Egypt. You saw with your own eyes the great trials, the signs and wonders, the mighty hand and outstretched arm, with which the Lord your God brought you out. The Lord your God will do the same to all the peoples you now fear. (vv. 17–19 NIV)

It's also a theme in the New Testament. Jesus told his disciples in the Last Supper to remember him by doing this (which is where the Lord's Supper we celebrate in churches today comes from). In the book of Hebrews we're encouraged to persevere in the faith, backed up by a lengthy list of those who have gone before us (who didn't even know the story of Jesus). 

So remembering the past can help us as we face the future. Given what I reflected on last week in my end of year blog post, I certainly will be trying to be more serious about not worrying.

I noticed a small thing in this passage I was listening to the other day:

Then Jesus said to his disciples: ‘Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat; or about your body, what you will wear. For life is more than food, and the body more than clothes. Consider the ravens: they do not sow or reap, they have no storeroom or barn; yet God feeds them. And how much more valuable you are than birds! Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to your life? Since you cannot do this very little thing, why do you worry about the rest?' (Luke 12:23–26 NIV UK)

We think that by worrying we can extend our lives (or the lives of others), but that's obviously not God's perspective. From his perspective adding an hour to our lives is a "very little thing". The difference between us and God is so huge and he understands that better than we do! So, since I can't even do this very little thing, I think that giving up worrying is a worthy goal, not just for 2024, but for the rest of my life. I'm certain that I will fail again and again, but with God's help I surely can improve on what I've done up till now!

Coming months

The coming couple of months probably includes us moving into the era of couple-dom again. I'm actively avoiding the usual term for this stage. We'll be parents of independently living adults, which is what we've been working towards for the last 24 years!

 It's a stage that is worth acknowledging, but also a stage that is full of so much potential and not just "emptiness". But obviously a huge change from living with our guys and interacting with them on a daily basis, so it will be an adjustment that will take some time.

Our hope and plan is to return to Japan in July to the roles we had there last year (or approximately those roles, some changes will hopefully come to pass). Before then we have some travel planned in Australia, including a big trip to take advantage of Australia's amazing long-service provision (paid leave to reward a long period of service with the same organisation). You will hear plenty about that as I hope to write an online diary of our travels like I have for our long camping journeys in the past.

As for what happens after July? When we get back to Japan we plan to move into a small apartment near the school in western Tokyo. Yes, we've already seen this apartment (first time we've seen a future place of accommodation in person since 2005)! And we are looking forward to having fun exploring all sorts of new possibilities that being a couple provides. We first arrived in Japan in 2000 with a 20-month old and have done our entire missionary journey overseas with children in our care, so this is indeed a very new chapter.

It's another year that involves a long, multi-stage international move, though it's always physically easier moving out of Australia because we haven't been here so long and have less stuff. Much of the larger items we use go back to owners or find new owners. We haven't moved into a new house in Japan in 14 years, though, so that will be different, but moving without little children is definitely easier (even if we'll be missing the strength of our young adult sons).

Sadly it's another year that involves many goodbyes. But there are also many who we're looking forward to seeing again in Japan. It's never easy emotionally for me to move, and saying goodbye to Australia is an act of the will, rather than an overly eager spirit.

Many things I did in 2023 I will continue to do in 2024. This was my list from 12 months ago:

• regularly walk with my husband (I averaged about 2.5 km a day last year)
• study Japanese
• read lots of books
• listen to English sermons at least once a week
• stay in touch with close friends regularly, and when I can, in person
• bake
• writing

Much of this remains true of my intentions for 2024, I don't have as much time alone in Australia, so I listen to less podcasts and sermons (and get an English sermon in person most Sundays). I don't have a current writing project or specific writing goal for 2024, though have submitted an application to be part of a writing team for the year . . . I haven't heard back on that yet, so we'll see. I've got vague prof. dev. reading goals while I'm in Australia, but again will try to read 100 books in the year (mostly fiction for relaxation, I read fast and rely on books to help me relax before sleeping). I mentioned 12 months ago that I'd picked up cross-stitch again, and I'm still working on that, but it's a complex design and I'm finding it slow going.

That's enough. I look ahead to 2024 with this:

I will say of the Lord, ‘He is my refuge and my fortress, my God, in whom I trust.’ (Psalm 91:2 NIV)

Looking back at 2022

The last three years I've used some interesting and challenging questions to write this last post of the year, so I'm going to do it again.

1. What makes this year unforgettable?

The context of the year (coming after nearly two years of a global pandemic) makes it both forgettable and unforgettable. Looking back even at this short distance at the pandemic and it's hard to remember what happened when, because we don't have big hooks to hang them on. There was a lot of "not doing" during 2020, 2021, and early 2022. However this year life began to change, moving closer to "normal", though masks are still a real part of our daily lives in Japan. We started the year not knowing when the borders would open again to tourists in Japan and end the year with our eldest son in our house (without a visa).

We will remember this year as the year we went to Australia in the middle of the year and did lots of fun stuff, as well as some hard stuff. August was a difficult month for me: I farewelled David and our youngest son at the start of the month, contracted COVID within a couple of days, and had some challenging times on my own with our middle son while living in someone else's house.

It was the year that our last son started his last year of high school. And we entered our last year of living in this house we've raised our family in since 2010.

2. What did I enjoy doing this year?

A sunset on a Queensland beach midyear.

A definite highlight was a week's holiday in June/July with two of my best friends and their families at a beach in Australia. Hours and hours to just talk and be together was like being in paradise. I also got to stay with one of them for ten days at the end of August, which was also precious. Plus I got one-on-one time with two other close friends, which I treasured.

Walking after dinner with David is occasionally a chore, but more often than not it's a joy, even when the temperatures aren't really hospitable. I really missed the regular catchup with him when we were in Australia.

We've enjoyed watching cricket again on TV, finally they've begun to provide ways for fans in Japan to subscribe.

3. What/who is one thing/person I'm grateful for?

David. I rely on him a lot, but he also leans on me. We make a good team and don't function as well when we're apart. This year marked our 25th wedding anniversary. I'm so thankful.

4. What did I read/watch/listen to that made the most impact this year?

Again, I've really enjoyed listening to various episodes of the Undeceptions podcast.

I hit my target of 100 books read in 2022. But also discarded more than 20 books as "didn't finish", these were books that I'd invested time in (not just read a couple of pages). I'm getting more fussy about what I read, partly due to getting older, but also because I've got easy access to a whole library of ebooks. One of my loves is browsing in the library from the comfort of my own home (or, to be honest, bed...the place I do much of my reading).

Gentle and Lowly by Dane C. Orlund was a standout non-fiction book this year. I read it slowly over eight months (I usually read a couple of fiction books a week). I think I need to read it again. It's a balm to a weary soul. For example this sentence from Ch 4: "If you are in Christ, you have a Friend who, in your sorrow, will never lob down a pep talk from heaven. He cannot bear to hold himself at a distance."

Sacred Pathways by Gary L. Thomas was another really valuable book to read. I came across it through working on a magazine issue themed "Arts and Ministry". It showed me a few things about myself and my life experiences that I hadn't realised.

5. What did I worry about most and how did it turn out?

We had a prolonged passport/visa renewal situation that strung out over several months earlier in the year. In April we very nearly had an illegal immigrant in our household, but managed to dodge that by pleading with the embassy for an appointment. Flying to and from Australia is never fun, but it was pretty miserable this year. We had all our original flights to and from Australia cancelled by airlines. Our journey to Australia took 35 hours, which is more than three times the usual length. We also ended up paying more for peace of mind as we changed our return flights to ensure that we go there before our visas expired. Japan still required negative PCR tests and cancelled flights made that complicated. I worried a lot through all of this. I lost sleep, had headaches, reflux, and various bacterial, viral, and fungal infections, as well as asthma-complicated COVID.

I also worried about our eldest son's lack of employment. His savings ran very low this year before he finally found consistent work. This was very hard to watch. 

6. What is my biggest regret?

Hard question! The Merriam Webster dictionary gives two disparate definitions of regret. One is a verb: to be very sorry for (a mistake) and the other is a noun: sorrow aroused by circumstances beyond one's control or power to repair. 

There are things that happened that I regret, but I didn't have the power to change them. I regret that my family has sometimes caused pain for others, but much of that hasn't been within my power to change. I regret that others haven't understood us (sometimes because they don't have the life experience to help, or they have biases that mean they can't see the full picture), but again, while I may have tried to help others understand, their understanding is beyond my ability to change.

I regret some of the things I've said yes to and later ended up with too much on my plate, often because of things outside of my control or beyond my ability to anticipate what was coming in the future.

7. What's something that has changed about me?

I've begun to more strongly identify as a writer this year. When someone asks me what I do, I say "I'm a writer and an editor". That's an easy summary that doesn't overwhelm people. I haven't written a book, and don't (yet) have an ambition to, but that doesn't mean that I'm not a writer. Writing this post about life with mental illness was a bit of a turning point: https://mmuser.blogspot.com/2022/10/the-truth-about-journeying-with-illness.html

A close friend wrote this to me in early November: "Have been observing a really positive shift in you Wendy, from anxiety and feeling isolated to coming to peace with what is and inviting others into a space of being honest and vulnerable...which alleviates isolation for yourself and them also. Just thought you might like to hear from the outsider's perspective. God is good!! He's been at work and continues to be so." She connected a few dots I was too close to see, God has been good to me in giving me friends who will do that!

8. What surprised me most this year?

Some of the change we longed for during the depth of the pandemic was actually harder to adjust to than we would have imagined. I struggled to interact socially in a group at times this year, even in groups that I previously was fine with.

I was also pleasantly surprised by an opportunity to do an interview (for an article) with four Japanese people in the one afternoon, some of that was in English and some in Japanese.

9. What Bible truths impacted me this year?

A verse that has stuck with me arrived in my mail box in January last year (see here). It's Deuteronomy 31:8 "The Lord himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged." This was a great comfort, though I admit that in the midst of my worrying, I should have clung to it more tightly at times!

10. What meta-themes have I thought about this year? (in no particular order)

Life with non-physical illnesses and neurodiversity

Being a parent to adult children when they're struggling

Families as a microcosm of culture

Maintaining margin

My work always provides me with lots to ponder. I've thought about (and worked with) themes like honour–shame culture, rest, arts and ministry, mobilisation, prayer, women, fear of failure, missionary partnership development, nature, aging society, and Japanese festivals and traditions.

Highlights

• As I've already stated above: the week's holiday with friends.
• Being able to see our eldest son again and spend significant time with him. 
• We only got one camping trip in this year, and it was a cold one marred by debilitating pain for one of our friends. But still it was a highlight.
• Seeing gradual improvement and growth in our boys. But it's been slow, small steps.

Lowlights

• This year I've only written 39 blog posts, the fewest in it's 13 ½ year existence. So it's ironic that I'm thinking of myself more as a writer than ever before!
• Watching my kids struggle in various realms and wondering about their futures.
• Feeling tired as a parent.
• The start of the year I was stretched way beyond what was healthy, partly by work, partly by responsibilities to my family, and partly with what had happened in 2020 and 2021.

Other thoughts

For much of this year "it's complicated" would probably have been a good response to people's questions to how I was at the time. I've lived more than half my life doing things in ways that most people don't understand. A call to overseas missions leads to a loss of friends and a loss of potential friends, I learned this early on. It turns out that walking with mental illness and neurodiversity is similar and leads to much misunderstanding, even amongst those you thought would "get it". You'd think I was used to this already, but it turns out I wasn't, and probably never will be. I'm ever so thankful to those who do "get me" and have stuck by through all the challenges this year, even when they didn't understand us or our decisions.

My first post of this year was remarkable in the lack of concrete thoughts I could muster for the coming year (or at least that I was willing to commit to a blog post). I think my first post in 2023 will be quite different to that. But I'm getting ahead of myself.

Imposter syndrome

Have you heard of this term? It's "the idea that you’ve only succeeded due to luck, and not because of your talent or qualifications—was first identified in 1978 by psychologists". (from https://time.com/5312483/how-to-deal-with-impostor-syndrome/)

It's something I struggle with a little, both professionally and personally. Though I've been editing and writing for over 10 years, I have no formal qualifications in either areas, and sometimes wonder "who am I to be making this decision". I've been asked to teach about writing on a few occasions and always wonder if I'm just "faking it".

I also feel like a bit of a fake as a missionary at times, especially when people in Australia assume that I'm a super evangelist or fluent in the language. When I'm with colleagues I feel like a fake because I am neither good at Japanese nor skilled in theology. Editing theological and deeply cultural articles I find really challenging.

A photo of me trying to "fake it" as a course
facilitator in January.

Though I've been a parent for over 22 years, I still wonder if I'm doing an okay job. This has been a tough parenting year and I admitted to a counsellor earlier in the year that I feared I was a failure as a parent. I've even had moments of feeling recently, that though I've been an adult for over 30 years, I don't feel up to the task at times.

I wouldn't classify myself as having significant self-esteem issues, nor am I especially a perfectionist. So I'm not sure why all the self-doubt. Maybe I'm just a realist and I understand my weaknesses all too well.

I went to a magazine editing course at the very start of my editing career. I remember these professional editors (think Christianity Today) saying something like editors know a little about a lot of things. And that's actually a pretty good description of me. Perhaps that's why I don't feel like an expert at anything?

However every now and then I'm surprised by my own competency. Like when I was interviewed by someone in our organisation a couple of months ago about the social media work I do with our mission. It was pretty apparent, even to me, that I knew a lot of stuff about it (an awful lot more than I knew five years ago). And early last year when I took some writers away for a retreat and offered one-on-one times for each one. They asked me hard questions about a whole range of writing matters and I actually came up with some answers that were maybe helpful.

Perhaps the older we get the more we feel like imposters because the more we realise how little we know? I look back at the "arrogance" of my youth, for example, as a new graduate at 21 years of age I was running an Occupational Therapy department that covered a large geographical area. I was the only member of the department, but still, that meant I had little supervision or people to ask advice from. It was a sign of the desperateness that they even employed me.

So, what am I to do with this? Perhaps remember who I am, first and foremost. My value is primarily as someone made in the image of God, and I can even claim that, as I am a child of God, I am loved by God. That's a pretty big claim and one that makes all the wondering if I'm a fake fade into the background. It doesn't matter, ultimately, whether I'm a fake or not. My value isn't in what I do, nor how well I do it. But my sieve-like mind has trouble retaining that and I need to remind myself often.

Not able to make plans yet

This year has been one filled with pain for many. One particular struggle has been the uncertainty and difficulty in making plans. We've had it relatively easy compared to some other cross-cultural workers (we know some who've been stuck in countries where they'd rather not be), we had no "big" plans for the year. That is:

• we'd not planned to go on home assignment, or return to the field
• none of our boys have been in the middle of a major educational transition
• we were settled in a good location and had work we could do regardless of the conditions around us
• we had no major travel plans disrupted 
• we got to take our annual summer holidays as planned in July

Of course there have been many disappointments: 

• our son in Australia has not been able to visit us as he'd planned
• school was online for several months 
• lots of other things have been cancelled or radically changed

This blog post in 2015 was answering questions we were dealing with back then about how our eldest son would be transitioning to Australia. We had big, bold, audacious plans! Surprisingly, most of them came to be.

Somewhat random photo, taken during my time in the park
on Friday as I pondered some of the things I've written in 
this post.

This time round, with our middle son graduating (Lord willing) in June of next year, we've got a clearer idea of some things, and, for a couple of reasons, a much foggier idea of others. Who said it gets easier?

Five years ago I wrote that blog post while we were on home assignment, partly out of frustration at having to repeatedly explain things (but I’m not sure it helped much as most of those who asked weren’t reading this blog). 

The challenge we have is that Australians don’t understand the American schooling system our boys are in and most people we encounter in Japan don’t understand the Australian schooling system. Add to that the challenge of having to negotiate the journey of your kids transitioning to adult lives when you’re not working in your passport country. Plus the fact that these kids have lived most of their lives overseas and have almost no friends in their passport country.

All these things add extra layers to such a time in life. The natural result is lots of discussion and plans. David and I love a real-life puzzle and we love planning, but this puzzle has too many pieces that aren’t even in the box yet.

One thing I’ve been struggling with is that the natural question to ask people at this stage of life is about those plans. The thing I’ve found is that most people would like to hear a neat, ABC plan. But what if you don’t have a neat “ABC” plan? What if your “plan” looks like a bunch of squiggles that don’t make much sense? What if your plans look more like a bunch of possibilities and maybes, than anything concrete? That makes for awkward conversation. It also leads to worry. At the moment, my challenge it is to trust God in all this. To “be still and know that he is God”.

I’m reading Sword Fighting: Applying God's word to win the battle for our mind by Christine Dillon, a friend of mine. She’s asked me to write a review when I’m done, but I’m not finished the book yet. However, the other day it was good to read the chapter about worry. Thinking about the story of Abraham and Sarah—God had promised them they would have children, but they’d had none thus far and were getting older. So Sarah came up with a plan, which turned out to be a bad plan, not God’s plan. 

I don’t want to be like that. I don’t want to “help God out” by coming up with a plan that isn’t in line with his plans. But sitting still and trusting God is hard. And talking to people who enquire about the plans of our son who is in year 12 just highlights how many ifs and buts there are. It also seems that for people of our age, suggesting post-school plans for teenagers is a particularly enjoyable/tempting thing to do? We've been on the receiving end of so much well-meaning advice and suggestions, but . . . it hasn't necessarily helped me in waiting on God.

I’m reminded of the passage in Ecclesiastes 3 that begins “There is a time for everything and a season for every activity under heaven.” I reckon this fits (though there's no actual verse that says this): “There’s a time to make plans and there’s a time to wait.” Right now, for us, it’s time to wait, and trust in the Lord with all our hearts, leaning not on our own understanding and God will direct our paths (paraphrase from Proverbs 3:5-6).

This is getting to be a long post. But as I've thought about this over the last few days, God has been working in me. Yesterday I looked up "wait" in the Bible. It occurs many times, but here are a couple that are relevant to our current situation:

"In the morning, Lord, you hear my voice; in the morning I lay my requests before you and wait expectantly" (Psalm 5:3 NIV).

Indeed, we've been laying our requests before the Lord many, many mornings. We also need to wait expectantly for his answers (which may not come quickly).

"I wait for the Lord, my whole being waits, in his word I put my hope" (Psalm 130:5).

Yesterday we also were privileged to hear a Japanese missionary from Wycliffe speak on Psalm 13. 

How long, Lord? Will you forget me for ever?

How long will you hide your face from me?

How long must I wrestle with my thoughts

and day after day have sorrow in my heart?

How long will my enemy triumph over me?

Look on me and answer, Lord my God.

Give light to my eyes, or I will sleep in death,

and my enemy will say, ‘I have overcome him,’

and my foes will rejoice when I fall.

But I trust in your unfailing love;

my heart rejoices in your salvation.

I will sing the Lord’s praise,

for he has been good to me. 

He pointed out that this was probably written later in David's life, as he reflected on the many struggles he'd had in his life. Verse 3 is David's prayer: that he would have "light" or understanding, that he would be able to see God in the midst of the struggles. 

The preacher also took a little detour to talk about the phrase "it came to pass". It's a common phrase in older versions of the English Bible. In modern translations it is often translated as "after that" or "one day". But he pondered what God might be saying to us through this Hebrew phrase and thought it might be a reminder that these things haven't come to stay. That no matter what you're going through it will pass—keep your eyes on heaven.

I'm praying that I'll have wisdom to deal with conversations that encourage me to worry, and more conversations that point me to trusting and waiting on God. And that God will enable us to sit with these current uncertainties and trust him to work it all out. 

Refocusing with a ride to the park.

Yesterday I hit a quiet patch. In a job that has multiple deadlines each day, I know that these quiet spots don't come often and are usually short. Brilliant that it coincided with a warm, sunny day. So what better thing to do than go for a ride? The last time I rode to my favourite big park was November, so it was time! After lunch I told my distance-learning teens where I was headed, and took off with a flask of coffee and a book in my basket.

Well the park was a different sight to November. We're on the edge of the most beautiful time in Tokyo: spring. A time when there seems to be different flowers on show every week for about two months.

The most common cherry blossoms weren't out yet (and I'm glad they weren't because this week they would have been blown away), but there were some early bloomers and a general sense of hope in the air. Quite different to what sitting at home and looking at social media is giving me.

The passage that my husband preached on so often when were were in Australia in 2018 comes to mind: Matthew 6: 19-21,25-27:

19 ‘Do not store up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moths and vermin destroy, and where thieves break in and steal. 20 But store up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where moths and vermin do not destroy, and where thieves do not break in and steal. 21 For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also... 25 ‘Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothes? 26 Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? 27 Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life? (NIV)

We worry and fuss, about the things we treasure here on earth being messed up (like plans and freedom). We worry about food and clothes and health. But "look at the birds of the air..." (or I could add, "the flowers"). And most pointedly: "Can we add a single hour to our lives by worrying?"

So here are some flowers and other sights from my ride yesterday for you to enjoy. Maybe they'll help you refocus on our heavenly Father who knows what we need and is not taken by surprise by any of this.

One of the early bloomers in the Cherry Blossom family.

Ready to burst. This is one of the most popular species of Cherry Blossom.

Always love the gum tree in this park. It's a piece of Australia that we rarely see here.

Rape Seed flowers that are commonly planted near Cherry Blossom trees
 in  Japan. They make a nice contrast.

Daffodils, always delightful.

I've been riding past banks covered with this green plant and sprinkled with cute flowers (see below). This time I stopped to take a photo.

I couldn't get close enough to get a good shot on my phone, but there's at least half a dozen turtles sunning themselves here.

I enjoy riding this path, instead of on the roads. It is a bike/footpath only, between houses. It exists, I think, because it goes along the line of some high voltage power lines. But locals (and the local government?) have made it a very pleasant place to traverse.

Fears and tears

I've had another busy week with work and family commitments. It's amazing to me how my weeks fill up sometimes. I won't give you a blow-by blow account. I've struggled to get to my desk and my to-do list, but it has been a week rich in investing in outside-this-family relationships (which I needed towards the end of these long summer holidays).

This morning, as I've sat down and tried to whittle down that list of work items that needed doing (mostly editing/writing/email), a few niggling thoughts from recent conversations and emails keep poking in. Part of it was the theme of fear. That sounds a bit stark, written just naked like that, but I'm going to explain.

One of the things that I've talked about one-on-one with a couple of friends this week has been dealing with conflict in my work (this has just been in general terms, I'm haven't revealing specifics to my friends). 

I don't like conflict, I avoid it as much as possible, but that is impossible to do all the time in the work I do. My job as an editor is to have opinions and my role in working with many writers is ripe-ground for conflict. My work as I guide a magazine (and now a blog feed for a website) means I have to set standards and guidelines and seek to conform to them. And not everyone likes it where I draw the lines or the opinions that I have, even when I tread softly.

One of my friends reminded me to repeat to myself, "It's not personal."

I find that harder to do in some situations than others. I guess it depends on the "who" and "how" and "what was said". I'm getting better as I get older and more experienced. But I also know that God made me with a sensitive side and I don't wish that away at all, because it gives me empathy for others and it tempers my impulsive side too.

But fear of what people will say about my decisions can paralyse me and make it very difficult to do my work, or to write anything at all. That is something I've been finding myself fighting against, at times, these last few weeks.

The other time that fear came up was when one of my friends insightfully asked about the upcoming year (in the context that we're about to start a new school year) and how I want to grow during that time. Two big upcoming challenges came to mind:

1. My eldest son will most probably leave home to study in another country during the year.
2. We're planning to go on home assignment after the end of this school year (in late June) and last time I moved countries my stress resulted in uncomfortable reflux, the effects of which lingered for months.

My thinking about all of this is that I'm probably more fearful and anxious that I'd like to admit. Moving countries is stressful, but I don't know why I can't be more calm about it. That level of stress I'd like to avoid when we move next year and so, my answer to my friend was that I'd like to survive this year in better shape than I did the last international move in our lives.

She followed up with, "So what 'fills your cup'?" My main thought was deep conversations like the one that I was currently engaged in—with friends. Preferably with coffee in hand!

So we'll see how I go. As God continues to grow me through dealing with conflict in my work and in the stress of major changes in my family, I need to be intentional in seeking good conversations with friends, but also in turning to God.

I don't know where I found this blog post by an Aussie (it was published seven years ago), but it entices me to dig into the Bible again, and lean into another opportunity to cast myself upon God: Praying your fears. Here's just one nugget that I need to follow through on daily: 

We need to relocate our glory: not in our talents or our role, or others' opinion of us, but in God's approval.

Its pair is: Praying your tears, which is also an excellent post. For surely, the fears are often accompanied by tears (for me, in conflict, especially). And another nugget (which I think is a Timothy Keller quote):

Weeping is fine. Weeping and grief is fine. Weeping and disappointment is fine ... but weeping in self-pity will make you a small little person, someone who can't forgive, someone who is always feeling ill-used, someone who gets incredibly touchy and incredibly over-sensitive. ... Look at the cross and say, "... My sufferings are nothing compared to yours. If you suffered for me I can be patient with this suffering for you."

But now I need to get back to my work—looking at people's words and deciding what to do about them.

Starting school for the second time this year

I'm a bit slow, so it didn't dawn on me till this week that we've got something new happening this school year. David is teaching one of his own children for the first time!


Our 16 y.o. is taking Physics with his dad. It's going to be interesting. Our son remarked that it will be intriguing to see a different side of his dad.

It's also the only year that we'll have one elementary student, one middle school student, and one high school student.

School started this morning for the students, David's been working part/full-time for a few weeks now. It was a happy and peaceful start for our family. Not quite what I imagined because there has been some anxiety here. After all when you go away for a year and then come back, especially when you're entering puberty, lots of things can change. That gives plenty to worry about, if you are so inclined.

However they were glad to be finally returning to the place that they've dreamed about for the last 14 months. Ready to step out and see what really had changed. In many ways CAJ (Christian Academy in Japan) is their second home. When they talked in Australia about missing Japan, one of the biggest things they missed was the school.

We noticed in our year in Australia that many found it difficult to comprehend what CAJ was like. Here is a quote from last years yearbook, that might help.

"This is a place where worlds collide to create the astonishingly diverse community that we know as our school. . . . One look at CAJ's statistics on ethnic diversity will tell you just how amazing this is. In the students body [Ed's note: there are about 450 students, in K-12.] . . . 36 nationalities are represented, with 37% possessing dual passports. 40% of the students are missionary children, and 60% are children of business and professional people. . . Many of us don't think about it, but CAJ is more than just a school; it is a place of international fellowship and growth." p7

They'll all be back soon, it's a half-day today, and I look forward to hearing how their first day went. We'll see how loose their tongues are, and how much I need to work to pry anything out of them.

In the meantime I've had a lovely quiet morning getting things done, including writing with no interruptions. Yay!

Antidote to anxiety

You might have seen some anxiety creeping into recent posts regarding the future. Well overnight God's given me some antidotes to that.

I can't know what the future holds for my precious family.
But I do know the God who holds our future in His hands.

Last night I was reading in Hebrews and came across Hebrews 14:5-6:

⁵ Don’t love money; be satisfied with what you have. For God has said,

“I will never fail you.
    I will never abandon you.”

⁶ So we can say with confidence,

“The Lord is my helper,
    so I will have no fear.
    What can mere people do to me?” (NLT)

I can't recall having seen that quote in vs. 5 in the context of money before. And then vs. 6 coming after seems a strange transition, though it is in the context of "concluding words" where very often in the New Testament letters there exists a whole list of advice, much like that which a mum sprouts off at her kids just before they go away to something like a camp.

However, I'm thinking about this in the context of my concerns about the future. It is "mere people" who support us, who provide what we need to stay in Japan. But the verse is clear that it is God who I need to rely on, not "mere people". That's significant when you consider that for us "mere people" can stop supporting us, or can make life difficult for us in various transitions that we need to make. Yes, we rely on others to help us, but ultimately we relying on God our helper, who has promised repeatedly that he will never fail us or abandon us. Comforting words. Encouraging thoughts.

Then I sit in church this morning and listen to a sermon about "Letting Go", based around Abraham's episode in Genesis 22 where God tells him to make an offering of his only son and lets him go through with all the actions preparing for that until the very last minute when God provides a ram instead and assures Abraham that he's proven his faith, and goes on to promise many blessings. The preacher's point (at least from my point of view) was that we can trust God with everything, and indeed that if we withhold things that we will be missing out on blessings.

And here is part of the New Testament verse that was read as part of the service:

“No eye has seen, no ear has heard,
    and no mind has imagined
what God has prepared
    for those who love him” 1 Corinthians 2:9b NLT.

Indeed. Who am I to try to imagine what the future might hold? Especially to imagine bad things that might happen. In doing that I'm doing an injustice to God who loves me and has good things planned. He's not guaranteed that bad things won't happen, but instead has promised his presence and help throughout whatever might come.

Yes, I'm feeling encouraged.

A taboo subject

This week we've received financial figures from our mission for 2010 that confirmed what we already thought. We don't presently receive enough support for my husband to stop working at CAJ. In other words, taking a year off to report back to supporters and churches in Australia isn't financially a good idea. Yet, we are required to do so by our mission. And indeed if we don't, then probably support from Australia will fall anyway. Caught between a rock and a hard place, you could say!

For me the next step from that confirmation was to start worrying. I disguised that pretty well by telling myself, "I'm planning, just scouting out the possibilities." But under it all it is just pure worry.

Last night when I went to put my youngest to bed, I pulled out his devotional book and read the next story. A story about worry. A simple tale about a country lad who was visiting his grandparents in the city with his parents - for the first time. They were travelling on a bus and as they drove along the boy kept worrying about whether the bus driver knew where to go. His parents kept reassuring him that it was the bus driver's problem and indeed that the driver did know the way.

The application, was, of course, that we don't need to worry. It is God's job to be concerned about our future, not ours. Funny - I think the child's devotion spoke more to me than it spoke to my son!

Then I look up and read the verse on the daily calendar above my desk. It reads,

"Fear thou not; for I am with thee:

be not dismayed; for I am thy God: I will strengthen thee;

yea, I will help thee; yea, I will uphold thee with the right hand of my righteousness."

Isaiah 41:10 KJV

This morning I attended a monthly prayer meeting for the parents of the kindergartners at CAJ. One of the ladies spoke about Peter getting out of the boat in the middle of the storm to walk to Jesus. In that story, Peter is rebuked for his lack of faith. The lady pointed us back to the other eleven disciples who were still cowering in the boat. Yes, Peter failed at that point, but at least he was out of the boat. He had the experience of being rescued from the water. The others merely looked on. (Matthew 14:22-32)

So, what do you think God is saying to me about our financial concerns? 

Jesus' words, 

"Take courage. It is I. Do not be afraid." (Matt 14:27 NIV)