Craziness plus encouragement

This week has felt overwhelming (last week did too, but for different reasons). I could have seen it coming. It tends to happen four times a year when several things collide in my schedule. The overlapping of the end of one magazine issue and the start of the next is the main culprit, though this has been less so in the last couple of years since I handed off some responsibilities to another person in my team. However that person has left our team and I've been helping two people take his place. You don't need to know the details!

On Monday of this week I spent much of the day travelling to and from meetings on the other side of the city. It's a usual monthly gathering of missionaries from our organisation, and almost always worth being at, but it takes out an entire day from my week and often leaves me feeling behind when I sit down at my desk on Tuesday.

I'm usually writing our prayer/newsletter in the week leading up to the first Sunday of the month...that happens to be the first week of September, rather than the last week of August this year! I tried to start last week, but didn't get as far as I'd have liked to have.

My social media ministry team has also had increases in responsibilities as we cater for a team member going on maternity leave tomorrow. I've had to learn some new stuff!

On top of all that I had email troubles. One of my three work emails stopped working yesterday. That always flusters me as I rely heavily on email, and I'm not the most confident when dealing with tech stuff.

Those are the main things that have all landed on this week and I found myself jumping ever more rapidly between one thing and another. I usually work quite well juggling various responsibilities, but this week hasn't been so good.

I put this out there, not because I want you to feel sorry for me, but because I'm trying to be real here.

But God has also given me different pieces of tangible help through the week:

• On Monday I heard the story of someone who has come to serve with our organisation who was prodded by our social media work to get involved. Exactly what we're trying to do and such an encouragement to see someone in front of me who probably wouldn't be there if I didn't do what I do.
• We booked flights to go to Australia for Christmas to see our new grandchild (due end of November)!
• We've located a good spot and good days to go camping with our friends next month.
• I flipped the calendar to September and was reminded that we have tickets to the World Athletics Championships, which are in Tokyo this month. The session includes the 200m finals, which might include a young man from Queensland who has been making headlines in recent months: Gout Gout.
• Last night we attended, as usual, our church's online prayer meeting. I was able to share briefly in a small group that I'd been feeling overwhelmed at work and they prayed for me! Such an encouragement.

Bit by bit I've made it thus far through the week, and that I'm able to sit here and write about it is proof that things are calming down a little. 

I'm thankful, too, for a cooler day today (28C, current humidity 81%). It's been grey with some showers, which is really encouraging. The length and intensity of the Tokyo summer has been close to the top of almost every conversation that we've had recently—we're all longing for the cool that autumn brings.

Pondering the Biblical metaphor of shepherd and sheep

I often think of the scenes of
another book I read as a
child, Heidi, when I think of 
ancient shepherds. In that 
book the animals are goats,
but they have a goatherd who 
daily takes them up onto the
mountain slopes in Switzerland
and is charged with keeping 
them safe.
Image by Greg Montani from Pixabay

Recently at our church we heard a sermon about Jesus's statement "I am the good shepherd" (John 10:11 NIV). This metaphor is especially precious to me. It was one that God impressed on my heart as a young teenager, just as I was starting to question my since-childhood-faith. I think that, as a child, I felt a lot of pressure to "be good", so to know that I was cared for like a shepherd cares for their sheep was a great comfort. 

Shepherding was a common profession in Biblical times and is mentioned 118 times in the NIV version of the Bible.

This verse was particularly precious to me at a mid-pandemic individual mini retreat that I did in 2020:

He [the Sovereign Lord] tends his flock like a shepherd:
he gathers the lambs in his arms
and carries them close to his heart;
he gently leads those that have young. (Isaiah 40:11 NIV)

He holds us close to his heart: that's very intimate, like a parent holds a baby!

Here's another example of this metaphor:

The Lord their God will save his people on that day as a shepherd saves his flock. (Zechariah 9:16)

And of course the whole of Psalm 23, which starts with—"The Lord is my shepherd, I lack nothing".

Leaders of Israel are often referred to as shepherds, and often condemned as bad shepherds. 

God refers to himself as a shepherd (eg. Zechariah above).

Early in his ministry the Bible records that Jesus saw a large crowd and "had compassion on them, because they were harassed and helpless, like sheep without a shepherd." (Matt. 9:36 NIV).

There's a whole passage in John 10 about Jesus as a shepherd.

This benediction at the end of Hebrews:

Now may the God of peace, who through the blood of the eternal covenant brought back from the dead our Lord Jesus, that great Shepherd of the sheep. (Hebrews 13:20)

And in this passage, Peter urges his readers to live for God in a society that doesn't respect God's authority:

For ‘you were like sheep going astray,’ but now you have returned to the Shepherd and Overseer of your souls. (1 Peter 2:25)

Our pastor dwelt on what sheep are really like. Here are some characteristics (from memory):

• not good at making decisions or thinking for themselves, in fact renowned for doing "stupid" things,
• good at following the crowd and prone to wander,
• weak and vulnerable, without defence, and
• not beasts of burden.

We're compared to sheep multiple times in the Bible, but it's not necessarily complimentary! But what a comfort, that God knows how weak and "stupid" we are, and cares for us despite that.

During the sermon Psalm 121 also came up. It doesn't specifically mention sheep or shepherds, but the it's quite applicable to sheep-like creatures. Verse eight stood out to me: 

 "The Lord watches over your coming and going, both now and forevermore."

The other day, I came across this same combining of "shepherd" and "coming and going" in Numbers, in my daily Bible reading. It was coming to the end of Moses's life and he asked God for a successor to take over looking after the nation of Israel, who didn't yet have a permanent place to settle:

Moses said to the Lord, ‘May the Lord, the God who gives breath to all living things, appoint someone over this community to go out and come in before them, one who will lead them out and bring them in, so that the Lord’s people will not be like sheep without a shepherd.’ (Numbers 27:15–17)

Our pastor drew out the point that God watches over the daily coming and going that happens in our lives. Back in Biblical days, a shepherd, I'm told, slept across the doorway of the place where the sheep spent the night, so he was literally the door and in charge of when they came in and out of that shelter.

This same verse in Ps. 121 also came up at our mission's regional monthly prayer and fellowship gathering the very next day. Different angle on it, though, talking more about all the transition, hellos and goodbyes, which are ever present in the missionary's life. What a comfort to be reminded that God is right there beside us in all these.

I love a good word study...left on my own, it's often how I study the Bible. This metaphor has been a theme that God has periodically reminded me of over the years. I hope it's been an encouragement or help to you today.

Comfort gained from gathering with others

Earlier this week over 2 ½ days I talked to dozens of people, almost all were missionaries. 

On Sunday afternoon we caught a train to a fairly new church plant. After the service we talked to several missionaries about the church.

It helped that on Tuesday we met in a beautiful
location (Okutama, western Tokyo), though it
rained all day, so we didn't get to go walking.

On Monday morning I travelled in a car with five other OMF missionaries across the city to meet with maybe around 50 other people, most of whom are also involved in cross-cultural work. This was our monthly regional meeting for worship and fellowship, but this time we also had a working bee to help with some deeper cleaning of our Japan headquarters and guest home. I travelled home with three people, arriving home around 5 pm.

On Tuesday morning I took our car on its first trip filled with cross-cultural workers. Our four-seater car was filled with ladies attending a Women in Ministry worship and fellowship time out in the far west of Tokyo, where we met with around 35 other women from variety of organisations and backgrounds. This was a total of three hours of driving and talking in the car, plus six hours at the meeting.

Monday's meeting (lunch)

Adding it all up, I spent over eight hours in cars with eight different people (nearly half of that I was driving) and about 100 people over the three days.

I've been very tired in the wake of all that, and have struggled these last couple of days to push through a headache (again).

So, was it worth it? Yes! I desperately needed the encouragement and re-focus that these meetings provided. Here are just a few tidbits from conversations and the speakers:

• Encouragement from two couples who have moved back to their passport countries after serving here until their mid 60s. It was great to hear them encourage us to keep our eyes on Jesus; that the task was too big for any of us, but not for God; and that God uses each of us differently.
• Time and encouragement to focus on praising God. Something that was surprisingly hard to do with my tired, squirrelly brain.
• Praising God for being an author (Acts 3:15 ESV), was particularly meaningful.
• A conversation with another mum, just a few years behind us, who has a neurodivergent daughter. She needed some hope about the future.
• I chatted with a single lady who is doing things that she couldn't have imagined, even 12 months ago.
• I spent time getting to know one of my newer teammates and her husband. So encouraging to see how they've grown while we've been away and they encouraged me too.
• A colleague and friend who brought up a sensitive topic, made me cry, but then encouraged me hugely in a short conversation!
• I gave a short back rub to a friend who was celebrating her birthday.
• I was encouraged to hear the wife of a former leader talk about them choosing a church to attend once they were no longer church-based in their ministry.
• Two of the ladies who rode in my car yesterday are new to our area and have never been to one of these Women in Ministry events. One of them couldn't stop saying thank you for bringing her.
• Lots of hugs with women who I've grown to know and love over the years. I only see them two or three times a year at these events, but they're precious to me. "My people" from a vast array of backgrounds.

There's much more than I can write here, or even remember, but I'm grateful for it all. 

Today I read an article about Australian farmers finding community at their local cattle sales and how important that time of gathering is. It's easy for people on the land to become isolated and lonely. That is also true when you are living overseas. And even more so as Christian workers: our enemy doesn't like what we do and he targets our weak spots, especially when we live too much inside our own heads. It's important for us to gather with "our people" for encouragement and connection. I'm so grateful for these times, they help me to remember who is really in charge, as well as opportunities to pour into other people's lives from the comfort that God's given me over the years.

Day 9: Mittagong to Canberra

Our first long-drop loo on this journey.

Today (21 March) was another big day. We drove from Mittagong to Canberra, which is only two hours.

 In the north of Canberra we met a couple for lunch who have prayed for us and encouraged us along our cross-cultural ministry journey for a long time (and not forgetting his first wife, who passed away from cancer early in our journey, she too was an encouragement to us). They are in their late 80s and early 90s now and still passionate about mission (they both served in PNG in Bible translation).

Roadside stop on our journey.

We spent most of the afternoon with them before heading to the next place to park our home-on-wheels. 

It turned into a not-so-fun-Google adventure. Google Maps doesn’t include a setting to exclude routes (and car parks) that have height limitations, so we ran into difficulty. This motorhome is 3.25m high and we got stuck at the entrance to three car parks and had to do awkward manoeuvres to avoid damage, including driving over a traffic island inside the car park. Me, the navigator, was very tired by this point, having not slept well and experiencing a few points of physical pain, had trouble and David, the driver, had his own difficulties! We were glad to finally find a grocery store that had the half-dozen items we wanted and no height restriction in the car park.

Our next point of lodging came courtesy of personal connections from our uni years. We’re parked on the property of St John the Baptist Anglican Church, a church that predates the city of Canberra. We know the Rector and they’ve kindly allowed us to park here for a few days. It's an amazing location, almost in the centre of Canberra. So now we can say that we've "camped" in Canberra, Sydney, and Tokyo!

Neurodivergence and missionary families

Here's one definition of this term that has become popular in the last few years:

Neurodivergence refers to any difference in the way our brain works, processes information, and interacts with the world around us. This umbrella term includes autism spectrum disorder (ASD), attention deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD), dyslexia, learning disabilities, Asperger's syndrome, and more (from here).

Image by Gordon Johnson from Pixabay

I was proud to learn that the term was coined by an Australian sociologist. And only four years ago! So it's a very new word and one that I like a lot because it's so helpful and positive.

Our family has been influenced by neurodivergence from quite early on, and the particular brand we've been dealing with is ASD, of the "Asperger" type.

Recently a colleague, who also has parented a neurodivergent child through to adulthood, was asked to address the topic with a group of missionary leaders who help our mission take care of the kids and families in our organisation. She asked about our experience and for any recommendations we'd have for resources. We ended up talking about some of our experiences and, with the benefit of hindsight, I wanted to share with you something of what it is like as a missionary family dealing with kids who don't fit into the neurotypical box.

It's hard on many fronts.

Diagnosis

It's not always clear what's going on when you're raising a child who doesn't fit the "norm." It can be even harder when you aren't in your home country, because it isn't always clear what the "norm" is. For example, if your child is in a local school overseas, every day they are dealing with more than one language and culture. Moving from your home to school and back again represents crossing cultures each time. It might not be clear exactly what the trouble is: it could be linguistic or not understanding the culture of the kids they are with or even a lack of friends. Or it could be that the teachers have never dealt with a child who isn't a local, and don't know what to do, or how to communicate with you or your child. Schools in different countries are very different. Or, your child could be in a small international school with few resources, or you could be homeschooling them an have no training in recognising neurodivergence.

The other challenge with getting a diagnosis is finding someone to do that. In Japan neurodivergence isn't well understood, not to mention doing an assessment in Japanese wouldn't have worked so well for our boys who haven't become fluent in the language. So, getting a diagnosis was easier when we were in Australia. We're fortunate to be in a big city in Japan where we've had access to an American-trained psychologist, but that isn't often the case for missionaries. And even then, at one point we had to have a reassessment done in Australia because a diagnosis by a paediatrician is required in our home country.

Resources and services

Missionaries often have limited access to the sorts of resources and services that their peers in their home countries might take for granted. Although from what I've heard, even in home countries, parents of neurodivergent kids often have to advocate hard to get services for their kids, especially kids who are higher functioning. Missionaries are even more on their own. Thankfully more resources are available online these days, so it is pretty easy to access support groups and tonnes of information, even if you can't access person-to-person services for your kids.

Schooling

Education choices are more limited when you're serving overseas; they are also more complicated. And that's for neurotypical kids. If your kids don't fit into that box, then it's even more difficult. We know colleagues who have ended up homeschooling and numerous others who've had to return to their home countries permanently.

And then there's home assignment. It involves changing schools (and churches, homes, friends, food, and general environment), not to mention changing cultures. No one finds this easy. It involves a lot of transition, which is something kids on the Autistic spectrum don't deal with well, but I suspect other kids who are neurodivergent also do it tough.

Behaviour

Somehow missionary kids are expected to be well behaved, just like pastor's kids. Even though we all know that children are flawed individuals, we (adults in general) still have these expectations. Missionaries often feel like we live in a bit of a glass house. 

We write regular newsletters. Parents of neurodivergent kids carefully select the bits they're comfortable sharing and that they think will be favourably received. But I think this is true of missionaries in general. Of course wisdom is always needed in what you share with anyone— too much isn't good, but neither is being too selective. And prayer letters are public communications: we never know who will read them. Most missionaries have received unhelpful advice from people who think they understand our situation and our kids, but don't really. We generally share more details with a smaller group of close friends. But we need to share something with the wider audience so that they can pray and also so that we have some accountability, because this is where much of our income is coming from. But as you can imagine, these communication decisions aren't easy to make.

And then we go on home assignment, when we're even more on display as a family. When our children are younger we "drag" them around to various speaking appointments, and at each place, there are unspoken expectations. The worst are, unfortunately, usually Sunday morning church services, where kids are expected to sit quietly in a strange-to-them building brushing shoulders with strangers, and then afterwards be pleasant to anyone who chooses to talk to them. As a parent in that situation, we feel the pressure to be advocates for our kids, on top of all the other responsibilities that come with being the "visiting missionary". It's exhausting.

We've got many sad memories of the difficulty of getting our kids seated in a crowded church, of awkward whispered conversations with people who assumed our kids would join the Sunday School, or even a child who refused to get out of the car and come into church at all. And then the difficulties of staying in other people's homes: relatives, friends, and strangers. So many unspoken expectations surround situations like that, including conversation, politeness, and even that two children will share a room willingly. And all the while, feeling like our kids and observations of our parenting are somehow part of a report card on our fitness as missionaries. That's a lot of uncomfortable pressure.

So, this all sounds rather negative. I do need to tell you, though, that we've made it through. We've spent the last 22 ½ years raising our boys (mostly) in Japan, and we've gotten them all through to officially being adults. And each of them has finished (or is about to) high school. We know that that's not the end of our involvement in their lives, and that each of them has much more growing to do as people, but by God's amazing grace, we've made it this far, and we look forward to seeing where they go and what they do in the future.

Have there been times when we thought it would be better to be doing this in Australia? Yes. The big challenge of parenting is that not only do you not know how things are going to turn out, you don't get any "redos" or "practice runs". You have to make decisions based on the information you currently have to hand and the wise people you have surrounding you. As Christians you also take your hard situations to God in prayer and ask for his wisdom, trusting that he will guide you.

God's power for the weak

I was encouraged this week by a reminder of God's great power for his children. The same power that he used to raise Christ from the dead. 

It's mentioned in Philippians 3: 10–11 and in Ephesians 1:19–20: "His incomparably great power for us who believe. That power is the same as the mighty strength he exerted when he raised Christ from the dead and seated him at his right hand in the heavenly realms" (NIV).

And Paul, the writer of both those passages also says, "But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus" (Phil. 3:13–14 NIV).

I can't finish a blog post about parenting without telling you the "parenting" verse that's helped me persevere through the years:

"Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up" (Gal. 6:9 NIV).

Discovering I've got a skill I didn't realise I had

Me in my comfort zone

In the last week or so, I think I've done more writing than editing! It been an unusual period, but I'm not unhappy, I do enjoy writing. However, I did get pushed outside my comfort zone. In order to attempt to solve a lack of content problem with our magazine, I asked our Japanese pastor if he'd consent to an interview (in English). He agreed, and promptly found three other people I could also talk with about the topic at hand. So on Tuesday afternoon, I spent about two hours interviewing Japanese people. The second hour was mostly in Japanese and stretched me greatly. They had a lot to say, and I didn't catch all of it, but I have enough to write the needed article. [Ironically, I've ended up with the opposite problem—after I implemented a few other strategies to find more articles, we now have more than double the number of potential articles than we need.]

I've been working in publishing for over 10 years now, but I've always avoided doing interviews. I'm not sure why, but I thought it's something I'd probably not be good at. Maybe I'm thinking about the sort of journalism that is intrusive or controversial, or requiring the journalist to do "cold calls". I'm just not that sort of person.

However, I've discovered that I've had many years of learning to ask questions of others, of learning to draw people out. Not for the purpose of writing about them, but just getting to know them, or simply to enjoy their company when we've been together for some reason (like a car journey, or as volunteers, or eating together at a group meeting). 

I've also spent many years living with non-chatty introverts and have worked at facilitating conversation at home. These interviews, in comparison, was easy. My questions were welcomed, and the interviewees wanted to talk. It would have been a lot easier if my Japanese had been better, but I was with our bilingual pastor, so he's helped me a lot.

I'm happy that I discovered this and that I consented to be pushed beyond my comfort level. I'd hate to be starting to plateau in my middle age! I want to continue to grow as a person. I'd like to continue to find opportunities to practise this newly discovered skill (as well as figuring out how to write a 1,500 word article from an interview).

But, reflecting on the last few years, I've been continually pushed beyond my comfort level, but usually not by choice. Mental illness has become part of our everyday lives since before 2018 (we only got the diagnosis that year, so could see it for what it was)—that's definitely pushed us out of our comfort zones. I never anticipated that any of my boys would struggle to complete their studies, but we've had that experience now too. Watching our older two struggle to find their way into adult lives has been really hard, and we've needed a lot of grace to walk alongside them through this stage, and it's certainly not over yet. It's all left me feeling a bit vulnerable and shaky.

But, of course, missionary life is continually pushing us past what's comfortable, more so than perhaps might have happened if we'd never left our native land. But as I said to a newer missionary early last week—I think that this is a privileged life. Not that it isn't hard, but we keep encountering challenges as a result of what we do that push us to depend on God, and on others. Whereas otherwise we might have been much more self-reliant, we've been frequently cast upon resources that we couldn't conjure up ourselves. And experiences like that make you grow.

I was surprised to have a friend who knows more about me than most write to me that she has been observing "a positive shift in me from anxiety and feeling isolated to coming to peace with what is and inviting others into a space of being honest and vulnerable." I can't especially detect that myself, but am glad to hear that she senses this. Apparently God's been at work in me during the "grit your teeth and get through the day" times that I've had in the last few years and I'm glad.

I feel like we've hit a little bit of a breathing space, a bit of light in the tunnel. But the next big challenge is coming at us like a freight train: home assignment next year. Just the other day I wrote two emails one afternoon about pencilling in dates for later next year in Australia—that's a tiny bit scary. And we've already been working on downsizing, that's what the bazaar helped with last month, but since then we've given away more of our stuff too. 

But if I keep in mind that through it all God has never failed us, that he's always with us, and not only that, but he's growing us through the challenges. That as a result of all the "out of my comfort zone" we're going to be better people. When I remember this, then I'm calmer.

Here are a few Bible verses I've found to remind myself of (and maybe you too), that God is at work in us:

No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it. Therefore, strengthen your feeble arms and weak knees. 'Make level paths for your feet,' so that the lame may not be disabled, but rather healed. (Heb 12:11–13 NIV)

And this was in Paul's prayers for the believers in Philippi: 

In all my prayers for all of you, I always pray with joy because of your partnership in the gospel from the first day until now, being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus. (Phil. 1:4–6) 

For it is God who works in you to will and to act in order to fulfill his good purpose. (Phil. 2:13)

And Romans 8:28 of course: 

And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.

And of course "for the good of those who love him" doesn't mean God's our genie in a bottle. It means that God is working to make us more like Jesus, more likely to do things that glorify him and achieve his purposes in this world.

That same passage in Romans goes on to say we can't be separated from God's love, nothing and no one can do that, not hardship or danger or distress or poverty or criticism or even death. So therefore, we should live as ones who have nothing to fear (preaching to myself again, for surely there is more fear in me than I'd like to admit).

Okay, I didn't expected to end up here when I started writing this blog post last week, but here we are. I need to get back to various other writing assignments and emails (and all those people I have to write "no-thanks" emails to for their magazine article proposals). Next blog post I want to write about an unsung hero I learnt about yesterday. A man after my own heart.

Last week was quite a week!

I always struggle to write here after I've shared something deep and vulnerable. I've been truly bowled over by the encouragement I've received since hitting "Publish" last Tuesday. Some of it can be seen on my Facebook page, with more than 20 comments there. Here's a sample:

"You're not alone. Thanks for sharing your experience and heart."

"Wendy, I didn't know. I'm so sorry you've had to walk this journey."

"Thank you for posting this . . . We all face many challenges in our lives and families, and we need to know we aren't alone."

"It's also a struggle that doesn't end with children growing up and leaving home."

    [Yes, I know. I've had one son in Australia right through the pandemic who hasn't had an easy time. It's been hard to watch him at times.]    

A friend shared this beautiful prayer:

Father of all Compassion, God of healing and hope, I pray today for those who suffer deeply within their minds, naming particular friends and family before you now.

Prince of Peace, minister most gently to those who are closest to you because their hearts and minds are broken. Speak ancient words that silence storms. Break stigma, isolation and shame.

Wonderful Counsellor, Spirit of Shalom, renew the wisdom of those who care and the resilience of those who share their lives with vulnerable people. Wherever there is a ‘spirit of despair’ please pour out the ‘oil of gladness’ today in unexpected moments of joy.

And so, may the love of the Father, the grace of the Spirit and the mind of Christ himself prevail in our world.

Amen            ~ Pete Greig

People wrote comments on the actual blog post too. And I've received in-person hugs as well as several private messages. It's been a bit of an overwhelming response.

It was a bit of an interesting week last week, actually. The week before I'd been struggling with not being busy enough (and with David being away on a school trip and no little kids to look after, and a bit of lull at work, plus rain meaning I couldn't go riding). I had that horrible voice in my head: "You're a bit useless Wendy, not much good at all." It was in the context of all that that I both saw that Facebook comment that first made me angry and then propelled me to write.

David and I celebrating our 25th wedding anniversary a 
few weeks ago.

Then, after having hit publish last Tuesday, I had people telling me that I wasn't useless at all. That I'd given them a voice when they didn't have one. That in itself was an encouragement.

I had a friend who I mostly know online (we've met once). She's followed my exploits and what I've written for many years now and specifically reminded me of many of the things we've done to invest in our boys (e.g. reading to the boys at dinner, camping, games nights, sport etc., plus working hard at drawing closer to each other as parents).

I also, independent of writing that blog post, I found some more of "my people": a group of expats in Japan who also have "special kids". I cried as I told them an abbreviated version of my story. Though I've told parts of my story to quite a number of people now, I don't always cry. But to tell it to others who know what it's like to struggle with hidden (or not so hidden) disability with their kids, in a land where they aren't natives, was powerful.

I also had another coffee time with a friend who is going through a different kind of parenting struggle and she wrote to me later with encouragement about our conversation. She also specifically assured me that I am certainly not useless!

So, it was quite the week.

But it's just a step along the journey. We're by no means finished this long road of parenting, and I don't think this side of heaven we ever will. But if my story can help encourage others along the way, then I'm doing the right thing: helping others by using my gift of writing true stories. If I can encourage you to tell others about the secret struggles you are having, then I'm also doing the right thing. 

Let's not be ashamed of the less-than-perfect lives that we live: none of our kids are perfect and none of us parents are perfect. But we can do the best we can in the circumstances we find ourselves in. And if we are Christians, we can keep our eyes fixed on our heavenly Father, who never leaves us, and indeed goes before us.

Spiritual emergency kit

The forest outside the chapel where we met to
contemplate these three questions. We could 
only see glimpses through the narrow
windows of the auditorium. It was nice to
nip out and snap a photo.

A wall of faith

This was the topic at the women's retreat I went on late last week. The theme was based on the idea that you identify (and memorise) Scriptures and other “bricks” like songs, quotes, etc. that will help you weather difficult times. Especially times when you don’t have access to a Bible or phone. For example in the middle of the night when your thoughts are swirling around getting snagged on negatives and dragging you down into anxiety and stress. Or when you’re sitting with your loved one waiting for an ambulance to arrive. Or stuck in traffic and late for an appointment and feeling anxious.

Our speaker split these into three easy-to-remember categories, the foundation being—who is God? Followed by—who am I? And then—why am I here?

These are really fundamental questions. We were encouraged to find our own “bricks” in these categories at the retreat, bricks that have particular significance to us. But that was too much for me to contemplate while I was at the retreat. My desire was to soak in being present with these precious women. That turned out to be about all I could cope with. Now there is time to reflect on the messages and come up with some of my own verses. There are so many! Here are some I might add to my spiritual emergency kit:

Who is God?

He can do all things, no plan of his is thwarted. Job 42:2

He is our refuge and strength, an every-present help in trouble. Psalm 46:1

He is a shepherd who tenderly takes care of his flock (us). Isaiah 40:11

He is the everlasting God, the Creator of the ends of the earth. Isaiah 40:28

He is my rock, my fortress, and my deliverer. Psalm 18:2

My provider. Matthew 7:11–33

“When you don't understand, when you don't see his plan, when you can’t trace his hand, trust his heart” From a song "Trust his heart" by Babbie Mason

He goes before me: “The Lord himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged.” Deuteronomy 31:8

Who am I?

Created and called by God, not a mistake. Ps 139                                    

Precious. 1 Peter 2:4

Loved. Jeremiah 31:3

Alien and a stranger on earth 1 Peter 2:11 but now a member of God’s household Ephesians 2:19

Why am I here?

I’m here to do his will, even if that means sitting still. “Be still before the Lord and wait patiently for him.” Psalm 37:7 

To declare the praises of God. 1 Peter 2:9

To glorify God by serving with the strength he provides. 1 Peter 4:11

Because God wants me here. Ps 139:16

To do good works that God has prepared beforehand. Ephesians 2:10

Competent because God makes me that way. 2 Cor. 3:5

I'm not good at memorising, but already can see how helpful this might be. A couple of times since Friday I've been stuck in that spot halfway between sleep and wakefulness, and thinking through those of these that I could remember has been helpful and has calmed my heart, even if I can't remember all the verses, I can remember the key point. And now I've written them down, I can review them when I need to!

How about you? Do you have answers to these questions that help you when times are tough?

The Lord himself goes before you

The workshop I've written about in recent posts has finished. I'm so happy to be at the other end of it. It's been lovely to get back to work at my usual tasks and really enjoy the largely uninterrupted time! Yes, I've had no meetings this week, tonnes of work, but no meetings. I've got several meetings tomorrow, and next week have the equivalent of two days of meetings, so we'll just count up till now.

I'm just not sure what to write here today. The bigger picture of our lives is that our personal future has become more uncertain over the last year. Of course we never know what the future holds, but our plan has always been, for 21 years, to stay in Japan until we retired, unless the Lord called us to something different. We're not so sure now, but maybe God will call us to return to Australia for a period? It relates to our responsibilities as parents. I can't divulge more than that on this public platform, which means it's hard to write about. It's not the most comfortable of positions because we're both feeling very settled and happy in our various roles. But it is a question we will carry into the rest of this year and probably through next year also. 

So, we learn more about patience and waiting on the Lord. He called us to this life in Japan, he's sustained us thus far, and he will continue to do the same, whatever the next chapter of our lives looks like. 

I just keep coming back to a beautiful card that arrived in mid January. It came from an elderly lady I can't remember ever meeting. She knew my mum when my mum was a nurse-in-training 50 years ago! This elderly lady send us this verse, along with her letter and reassurance of her prayers. She doesn't know the specifics of our situation, but her gift was definitely on point.

Milestones for older kids

When kids are little we celebrate them being able to walk, to talk, to use a pencil, and to use the toilet on their own. As they grow they learn to take care of all their hygiene needs (my boys took way longer to achieve this than I thought it would, specifically, willingness to shower without prompting). 

An interesting perspective. Likewise, we
need perspective when we're parenting.

But gets blurrier as they get into the teen years. Walking is pretty clear cut for most kids, it's around 12 months (mine walked a full two months earlier!). But as they grow you gradually realise they are on a time schedule that you don't know much about. There's a lot of stuff that needs to slot into place for them to become fully independent adults, but that arrives at different times for different people and in different cultures and situations.

Higher level skills include time management and self-management. They learn to get themselves up on time and take themselves to bed, to get schoolwork done and find time to spend with friends outside of school. They learn to organise their things, to shop, and to get themselves places. They learn to advocate for themselves and ask for help, to seek medical care, and make appointments. They learn to manage their emotions and who to trust. They grow in willingness to do necessary tasks to maintain their living environment. They learn to plan ahead a longer distance and make big decisions about their lives. They also learn, sooner or later, how to act as an employee.

We adults all struggle with some of these things to one degree or another. But they are all skills important for living as an independent adult. But teaching them to our kids isn't necessarily easy. Some kids do pick up these things easily, but others struggle and as a parent you aren't always ready for that. I have to admit I kind of expected that these things would come naturally, but so far not all of these things have been natural for each of our boys. However there has been variation, just like there is for learning to walk and talk.

But no one really talks much about this. And you can bring to the parenting "table" the assumption that if your kids pick up these things quickly and easily, then you are a good parent. Indeed, perhaps, a better parent than others. Obviously, when I write it out in black and white here, it's a skewed view of self, but it sneaks into our thoughts about ourselves.

So, I'm here to say to you parents of older kids—stick at it. This is challenging, in different ways to when we were teaching them how to wipe their noses (which also took a long time for my kids, though I can no longer remember how long). And try to keep your eyes down, don't compare your kids to other kids. Don't equate your own "success" or "value" with your kids quickly achieving these milestones of independence.

Here are a couple of quotes from a book I read several years ago (and should probably read again): 

Parenting, like all tasks under the sun, is intended as an endeavor of love, risk, perseverance, and above all, faith. It is faith rather than formula, grace rather than guarantees, steadfastness rather than success that bridges the gap between our own parenting efforts, and what, by God's grace, our children grow up to become. (This actually comes from Leslie Leyland Fields, , "The Myth of the Perfect Parent," Christianity Today, January 2010, 27.)

And: 

No parent, no matter how dedicated, expert, present, and loving, can produce a perfectly healthy and happy adult. Such a feat is simply not within our power.

Walking alongside older teens and young adult children

We're walking through that part of parenthood that is not often talked about among parents: parenting older teens and young adults. Well people do talk about it, but not deeply. We talk about what they're doing: "My son is in second year uni." or "He's applied to study XYZ" or "She's doing an apprenticeship." or "She's taking a gap year." But not much deeper than that. And generally the parents who have young adults who are struggling, don't talk about it at all (except to those very close to them). 

I have to say it's very challenging to watch our boys as they make their way through this period. A very different stage of parenting indeed.

I'm not saying that any of this is easy! And some
days it helps to wear this t-shirt a close friend
 gave me: "It is well with my soul."

I was greatly encouraged by a book recently about genius called Spark: How Genius Ignites, From Child Prodigies to late Bloomers. I didn't pick it up with the intention of seeking encouragement, but it was much more grounded than you might expect. It looked at the stories of thirteen people who have had significant success in their field: including art, literature, science, and business. But more than that, it looked at the combination of factors that helped these people find their niche and thrive (and yes, luck was one). One interesting feature was that the author specifically sought out people who began to thrive at different ages, from child prodigies to late bloomers.

One of those featured was Eleanor Roosevelt. The author quotes her as saying:

We are constantly advancing, like explorers, into the unknown, which makes life an adventure all the way. How interminable and dull that journey would be if it were on a straight road over a flat plain, if we could see ahead the whole distance, without surprises, without the salt of the unexpected, without challenge. I wish with all my heart that every child could be so imbued with a sense of the adventure of life that each change, each readjustment, each surprise—good or bad—that came along would be welcomed as a part of the whole enthralling experience.

Eleanor had an extraordinary career as a social activist, advocate, and diplomat. But she really didn't start to thrive until her middle age. I was most encouraged by the stories of those who took some time to find their way—it gives me hope about my own boys. You invest so much energy into them, you really want them to thrive as they move into adulthood.

So where does this leave me, as I walk alongside my young men (close-by and at a distance)? It gives me hope. Hope that they will one day find their place in the world, that they will find they are able to live meaningful lives that contribute to those around them, however that looks.

In the meantime I think I need to walk gently, not pushing and shoving, or meddling unduly in their affairs. I need to keep the communication lines open, which often means not talking about certain things. I need to hold back on giving unwanted advice, but be ready to give advice if asked. I need to allow them the freedom to make bigger mistakes than I might have when they were younger. I need to continue to do my best to make decisions that are moving them towards independence, whatever that looks like for each child. And believe me, it looks very different for each of my three!

We're missing our eldest son in Australia. It's been nearly two years since I've been able to hug him or give him a back rub (he planned to visit us last Christmas, but the pandemic has made travel in and out of Australia difficult and very expensive).

One thing we're really enjoying at the moment is a weekly family video call with him. Sometimes that just involves him, David, and me; but more often than not one or both of his brothers also join in. It's been a big step forward in keeping communication lines open with our guys. This month we've discovered a website that allows us to play boardgames. So far we've played games that I know, so I've been able to join in. It's a brilliant way to connect with our sons. I've learned that while most women are happy to sit down and just talk, men usually aren't wired that way. So, being able to do something like a board game together really helps. 

If you're wondering, it's boardgamearena.com that we've been using. To initiate games with people you know, you need to pay a small subscription fee.

God at work through community

I don't always (or often?) hear about how my words or this blog have helped someone, but did last week. Let's trace some ripples in a pond and, hopefully, show how God's been at work.

When I was in Australia I spent a little time with a psychologist. She is the same psychologist who did assessment back in 1998 when we started on this missions journey. Each time we go back we're required to do a debrief with her and her husband, it's been great to have a long-term relationship with them, even if we rarely meet.

This time I went back a couple more times. I've written here about how that resulted in me being more intentional about cultivating certain friendships in Australia. 

It turns out that the two friends I stay in contact with daily have spent time with the same psychologist. It's been an interesting element to our friendship, because we occasionally reference this common professional and her words. One thing that keeps coming up, and originated with this lady is the concept of "lily pads". I can't even remember if the psychologist mentioned them to me, but my friend hasn't let me forget this very useful concept.

And so I mentioned lily pads briefly last week in my blog post. Each time I write here I share the link to my blog post on my Facebook page, so often people comment there, rather than here.

On this post last week, a missionary friend commented that she found the concept useful in general too, but that it is a hard part of the current situation. I replied saying that planning smaller things like baking on the weekend, a TV series to work through, or a book to read are helpful, or even necessary to staying healthy. She commented that she'd been trying crochet as something of a lily pad, but hadn't been having much success.

A few days later my missionary friend and I received a message from one of my expat FB friends in Japan who'd been struggling with the lack of plans, especially not being able to see family. She found the lily pad idea amazing and very helpful. That it had been so helpful to her blew me and my missionary friend away. It had been such a small interaction, but one that happened in a place that my expat friend saw and was inspired by. She went on from that and shared her revelation with friends of hers who had similar reactions.

What a fascinating, rippling trail of God's grace.

I think at the moment thoughtful Christians are considering what Christian community is all about. In recent weeks/months many of us have been unable to physically meet together like we are used to. What has community looked like in that time?

For me it has looked like all the below:

• worshipping virtually with others, while sitting in my lounge room,
• long and short conversations—planned and unplanned; text, video, or phone call; or even the occasional in-person physically-distanced chat
• generosity—both giving and receiving
• being a part of a loosely-formed book club around a book by a missionary that has helped us to reflect on God at this time
• the giving of grace—in my work, with my family, and with others
• seeking how to creatively bless other people near and far.

You can probably come up with different ways it's looked for you. I will probably think of more after I publish this!

Before I go I want to share another way that friends and colleagues have blessed me in the last little while.

Encouragement folder

Last week God knew I needed a bit of extra encouragement and I received a few other encouraging emails. After I shared some of the encouragement with my two "daily" friends, one of them encouraged me to set up an encouragement folder on my computer. 

I always pass encouragements related to the magazine I work on to my magazine team when I receive them, but I haven't really collected them. I also haven't routinely collected encouragements non-magazine related for my own benefit. 

I'm so excited to be collecting them now, even a couple of sentences in an email can be something to lift my day, and now they can last longer than a day. And that's important. Not only do I work at the pointy end of publishing at times (having to work with authors who aren't happy or don't understand why we've changed what we've changed), I also live with teenagers who sometimes seem to think it's important that they critique my every move and every word. We're spending more time together in 2020 than usual, so a bit of extra encouragement is not to be discounted!

How have you seen community in your life in recent weeks?

Adventures in editing

My job is full of variety. "Editing" sounds pretty dull. I imagine for most people it evokes bad memories of grammar nazi English teachers and receiving essays back with red marks all over them.

Well, yes, I do do that sort of thing (although much less confrontational than an English teacher giving you a bad mark). Although I have to say that dealing with the nitty-gritty side of the business is not my favourite part. I don't think I could do book editing as a full-time job. My role as a magazine managing editor and social media/website content editor provides a lot more variety than just dealing with words, punctuation, and grammar.

On Monday I went to the annual business meeting of the organisation who publishes Japan Harvest magazine: Japan Evangelical Missionary Association (JEMA), I wrote a bit about them here last year). Business meetings are another thing that I tend to avoid where I can. But this one is a great opportunity to network with mission leaders who I don't get to see face to face at any other time of the year as well as to get a feel for what's going on in this part of the evangelical missionary world in Japan, as various ministries and "commissions" of JEMA get to present a short report.

I usually just attend, but this year I pushed it slightly further. In the reception/refreshments area there were tables available for people who wished to put up a display about their ministry or services etc. I decided to put together a small display about the magazine. 

Rather than just do this on my own I put the idea to the magazine team. It took a while for good ideas to gel, but I've got a creative team. We weren't trying to sell the magazine—this was the choir—all members of JEMA get a copy of the magazine. Though it would have been good to get people brainstorming or volunteering to write for the magazine—we rely on members of JEMA to write our articles—it simply wasn't the right place for that. Conversations were short and often interrupted. People were in a networking frame of mind and time is always short.

This is what we came up with (after 67 comments on my request for ideas in our secret Japan Harvest team Facebook group):

I know it's a bit small for you to read. On the left are four encouraging quotes from readers about our magazine. In the middle there's a guessing competition: Can you guess how many hours goes into putting together one 40-page magazine each time (including the writing of articles)? On the right is an encouragement to check out our articles that are also published online at japanharvest.org. On the table at the far right are Stick-it notes with a suggestion that people could write encouraging notes to the magazine team (all are volunteers).

Our designer made this poster of the team. I love it and after the annual meetings, it's going up in the JEMA admin office.

So, in addition to dealing with lots of words, I also get to work with people—something I couldn't do without. Pictured above is an eclectic team situated in three different countries, who are passionate, not just about the mission of the magazine, but about doing an excellent job.

Another reason I attend this meeting is it's such an encouragement. I had several people tell me how much they appreciate the magazine and what I do. I even, for the first time, had someone tell me how much they appreciate the column that I've been writing on writing. I've been doing this for six years now = 24 articles. It's great to hear that someone especially appreciates it.

We got several encouragements written on the Post-it notes:

"In the past two years, I have really enjoyed the very relevant, practical themes of each issue of the Japan Harvest. Thank you for the many hours put into planning and printing it."

"Thank you very much for a great ministry tool. I have learned so much over the years. 

God Bless."

"Thank you for all the work to produce The Harvest! May it help produce THE HARVEST!"

"Thank you all for your excellent work. I like especially all the culture-related topics and the fresh ideas on how to do missions. You are awesome!"

It's wonderful to know that what we spend many hours doing is actually making an impact and being of help to people.

Oh, and you're wondering about the answer to how many hours it takes to put out this quarterly magazine? My team's best guess was between 850 and 1050 hours (this includes the time taken for writing articles). It's really hard to know, and there are so many variables. But, still, that's a lot of hours! I'm so glad I've got a great team to work with. There's no way I could do this without them and I'm so glad to have this opportunity to work with them in this uncommon ministry.