Opportunity to tell about a lifetime of learning to trust God

I "gave my testimony" at church a couple of weeks ago. That phrase is generally associated with telling how you came to Christ. But for some people like me, that is not an especially enthralling story because we came to Christ as a young child with no drama. I can't even remember a time I didn't believe in God, so there really isn't much to tell.

These are the gorgeous flowers
that stood in front of the lectern are
a type of protea, native to South 
Africa. But they are a close relative
to the Australian native plants:
banksias, grevilleas, and macadamias.

 But "testimony" also means "an open acknowledgment" or "a public profession of religious experience" according to the Merriam-Webster dictionary. So, I called it "A lifetime of learning to trust God" and told a bigger story about my life. I said a bit about my childhood, a bit about how I came to meet David and came to Japan, a bit about how I came to be an editor and writer. The last third of my story was about struggling to trust God as I walked alongside our kids, as they finished high school and moved into adult life. Much of this is stuff I've written about here at various times, though it was a challenge to squeeze the details out so that I could present it in under 15 minutes.

I have stood up in front of churches and other gatherings many times to tell stories about life and ministry in Japan, it's part of our job when we're on home assignment (which we've done for a total of 4 ½ years during the last 25 years). I can't remember having an opportunity like this before. I did have to give my testimony in Japanese at language school, but doing that in (my poor) Japanese was a very different experience to speaking in my heart language.

This one turned out to be a pretty teary experience, even bits that were from a very long time ago! I know that public speaking makes me nervous, which in turn makes me more likely to be emotional when I speak, so I had tissues with me, but I didn't expect be this tearful! 

But I was very encouraged by the opportunity to be heard by the whole church. An experience like that often means an emotional connection with the audience and I've had numerous conversations since then confirming that. I pray that it was helpful for some to hear that this very ordinary person, who happens to have the label "missionary", struggles in her faith, just like they do.

End of the teenage era!

This week marks the end of an era. Nearly 13 years ago our eldest son became a teenager and this week his youngest brother turned 20, though it's been more than a year since he moved out, it's still worth acknowledging that our family has reached a new stage with no teenagers in our midst anymore. One of the fun things about a long-distance blog like mine is looking back at the past (I guess the same would be true if you were a consistent journaller).

One of the nearly 20 birthday
cakes I made for our
teenagers over the years.

Below is a short collection of some of the better things I've shared about parenting teenagers in the last 13 years.

I started blogging before I hit the teen years as a parent, so I recorded the start (in 2012!) here: https://mmuser.blogspot.com/2012/05/mother-of-teenager-not-i-not-yet.html

At that time I wrote:

I don't know what is ahead, but the last 13 years of parenting haven't been a breeze. I doubt that the next seven are going to be either. I guess the only way forward is how I've made it through the last 13 years — by God's grace and with lots of prayer.

I clearly wasn't thinking that it would be 13 more years until this phase of parenting would be put to bed, however my proposed way forward was solid.

By the time my first son hit teenage years, I'd given up on parenting books. However, in 2015, I did find one that was helpful. It majored on "grace" rather than "this is how you must do it or else": https://mmuser.blogspot.com/2015/10/broken-parents.html 

Here's one quote:

Parenting, like all tasks under the sun, is intended as an endeavor of love, risk, perseverance, and above all, faith. It is faith rather than formula, grace rather than guarantees, steadfastness rather than success that bridges the gap between our own parenting efforts, and what, by God's grace, our children grow up to become. 

(This actually comes from Leslie Leyland Fields, , "The Myth of the Perfect Parent," Christianity Today, January 2010, 27.)

February 2016 was a very difficult month (my father-in-law was dying in hospital). During that time I came across a very encouraging post: The value of a mother: https://mmuser.blogspot.com/2016/02/the-value-of-mother.html 

As I’ve said before and will repeat until I die, no matter your role or stage of life, when you wonder about your value you need to look to only one place: the cross. At the cross the creator of this universe sacrificed His only Son because He values you. Your value comes not from what you do, but who you ARE in Him because of what He already did. He also highly values your role as a mother.

In 2018 we had three teenagers, though one had left home earlier that year. I wrote a short blog post with some crumbs of advice:  https://mmuser.blogspot.com/2018/11/teenage-parenting-crumbs.html

1. Pick your battles very carefully (not meaning that you don't set expectations).

2. Find what they're interested in, and invest in that to build a bridge.

In May 2019 I wrote about negotiating new family household jobs: https://mmuser.blogspot.com/2019/05/negotiating-with-my-teen.html

And here are two final pieces of advice (from here) Ups and downs of parenting teens:

3. Teenagers grow up, this is just a stage. It's a long stage, but seeing them come out at the other end with all sorts of amazing skills is even more gratifying than watching your kids learn to walk!

4. Find someone safe who you can talk to about your parenting struggles. It is a hard, long slog. A very long marathon, if you like, not a sprint. And it's not a good idea to slog it out on your own without support.

I have long said I will never write a book about parenting, however I have written about my own journey quite a bit on this blog. Every family is different, has different challenges and different strengths. Every child and every parent is unique. I don't write here about my experiences to make you envious or to feel guilty. My intention is to walk alongside you in the trenches by showing you a little of my "on the edge of ordinary" life.

The value of listening

The other day I got a message from someone in our organisation in Australia who I don't know. Her role is specifically about helping advise our members about their kids, as needed. We've never met. However, somehow she'd discovered this blog and had been reading bits of our story and wanted to know what we've learned along the way, especially in regards to neurodivergence and what help we'd received that she could pass on to others if she needed to.

A photo from a few years back when the
boys all lived with us in Japan.

I asked if she would be interested in hearing our story in detail. I explained that it would just be easier to tell her, because it's a long, complex story—which is pretty normal for neurodivergence, but I suspect ours is more complex because of the cross-cultural elements. It's a story that would take me hours, even as a fast writer, to get down. She agreed, and we talked for nearly two hours. Well, most of that talking was me! She asked some great questions, including some that I've never been asked before. But I think we were both exhausted at the end. 

I have been thinking about that conversation ever since. It was great to be really listened to (she was even taking notes). But it was hard to make sure I included all the bits and pieces. The story went back around 20–25 years and there were so many threads. In the days that followed that conversation, I kept thinking of more things that I could have added! But I think that in the end she got all (and probably much more) than she needed. It made me aware again of the various people God has given me along the way who have listened to me tell parts of our story, with all my struggles, questions, and tears. I'm so thankful. I'm thankful to all who have prayed for us, usually without much information, but just that we were struggling.

It's a huge blessing to be able to look back at all of that and see where our kids are now and that they're all okay. One of the hardest things about being a parent is not knowing the end of the story. Of course all parents have to make decisions without all the information that you feel you need (especially a comparison between the outcomes of two different decisions). Not knowing what long-term impact your decisions will have on your kid is difficult, but when your children aren't thriving or "fitting the norm" it's even harder. One of the extra hard things about being a missionary parent is not having many people around you whose situation is similar to yours and few who understand the nuances of your situation. It can be quite a lonely and difficult place to do parenting and make hard decisions.

So, what's the point of me sharing this? I think, to shed light on the difficulty of being a parent of a kid with neurodivergence and that it is even harder when one is living a missionary life. But most especially to note that the most valuable thing you might be able to do for such a parent is to listen to them. You might not be able to provide any solutions, or point a parent to a place where they can get help, or help them make an important decision, but if they feel heard then that is a help. Parenting kids who have difficulties is a lonely job, it's hard for others to understand the daily challenges you face. If someone is willing to stop and listen to you talk about those challenges, it's a huge encouragement.

Living it up on Spring Break

There's a lot going on today and I feel a bit discombobulated, so maybe if I write a short blog post I might be able to get my head back in the game. We're in that beautiful week called "Spring Break" that happens at the end of March. This is an American thing that I fully embrace: a short school "vacation" just as spring is ramping up. We only get a week and it is over before you sneeze three times, but still, it's the perfect time of year to get outside after winter. We've often gone camping during this week.

Oh, did I mention camping? Yes, we're going camping tomorrow for four days. I can't wait to get away, these last few weeks I've been struggling to wake up in the morning, though once I get going I've been okay.

The weather is unpredictable at this time of year. In the last five days we've had snow and sunny 26˚C. Today is overcast and about 18˚C. The weather where we're headed in the morning is well under 10˚C at night and mid 20s during the day, until Friday when it might dip below 20˚C. The weather looks fine until Thursday and Friday when we could get wet, but hopefully not snowed on! We're in the period where sakura could be blooming...so we're hoping to see some along our journey and even at our campsite like we did two years ago. I need to pack soon and the flavour of the week will be layering!

But before we go, we've had things to do. 

Today David helped some colleagues get their stuff out of the storage place OMF rents for people on home assignment. He had lunch with another OMF colleague to touch base in a "how're you going" kinda way, plus talking over some OMF matters, like our next home assignment.

This morning I went to school for a few hours to help make cookies for the school's 75 anniversary celebrations next week. I haven't worked in a Home Ec kitchen since I was 13! After my tiny kitchen at home, it was a luxury, even if I didn't know where everything was and how it worked.

This afternoon I need to assess our grocery situation and camping list and go shopping for a few things, as well as pack my bag. It's the first time we've gone camping on our own as a couple! It should be fun and very quiet and relaxing.

Without kids at home, life feels easier and that we aren't working so hard. But apparently we are working as hard as we need to and we're still getting tired. I'm very thankful God granted us children when we're young. As a result I was only 50 when my last child moved out of home. But we're no longer in our 20s like when we first got married, and it's good to remember that.

We're excited by the work that God continues to give us. I'm starting to see glimpses of the things that God has for me in this new season. You've already started to hear about them—writing retreat coming up in May, writing workshop at the women's retreat a couple of weeks ago—there's a theme. Plus a few other ways to serve in small ways at church and OMF's field conference. It's exciting and I'm sure you'll hear about them in due time.

But for now, it's time to step aside and put our tools down for a few days and relax. Next time I'll come to you with camping stories and photos!

Weeks of contrasts

It's been been another couple of weeks full of contrast. (Sorry, this is a little bit long, nice photos and a bit of Japanese history and culture, though.)

Last week Monday: was CAJ’s winter break, which meant Monday and Tuesday off for teachers and students alike. The monthly Kanto gathering of people associated with our mission happened to fall on Monday, so David was able to join for the first time in 18 months (he’s usually working, and of course, we were out of the country for a year). It was a great day of catching up with friends and colleagues. But also it was loud because the room isn’t large for the 40 or 50 who gathered. To have conversations with someone in front of you, you practically had to shout at people. Sad, but true. And tiring. We stayed a little longer, not to watch a certain popular football match that was being shown, but to record a couple of videos with my short term worker.

Plum blossoms are one of the first 
to bloom in late winter, bringing the promise of
spring with them. The inside of this building is
shown in the next photo. It was built by an
architect in 1942 for himself.

Tuesday: we had various half-baked plans for the day, but these all got thrown out when we got an invitation to hang out at a park with colleagues. It’s not a great time of the year to go to a park (end of winter deadness plus cold), so we chose to go to the Edo-Tokyo Open Air Architectural Museum. It’s inside the large park I’ve often written about here. I’m the only one of the four of us who’d been inside, but that was for the purposes of a photography workshop, not actually reading the signs and learning about the many buildings that have been relocated to this spot. It was fascinating! 

I've included a few photos along with captions (the brochure they gave us in English was very helpful).

Inside the house shown above. The high ceiling is unusual and as it
faces south, the room was bright, even on a cold winter day.

This is a farmhouse, a fairly well-off farmer, I suspect. Part of the inside was 
an earthen floor. This is from the mid-Edo period (1680–1745).

The thatched roof of another farmhouse. This was a fairly prestigious upper-class farmhouse.
It's a little difficult to imagine how they lived because there was little furniture in these traditional-style homes. But these roofs are amazing. I can't image that there are too many people around these days who are skilled in the art of building and maintaining roofs like these.

I can't remember exactly which house this was in. There were two large
houses right next to one another. One of them was the home of Korekiyo Takahashi, who
played an important role in Japanese politics in the early 1900s. He was Prime Minister (1921–22) and, in 1936 he was the finance minister. This house has a couple of rooms upstairs that were Takahashi's study and bedroom and where he was assassinated in a coup in 1936, known as the "February 26 incident". We'd never heard of this incident. Several leaders were killed, but then 19 were executed and 40 imprisoned for their involvement.

This is in the commercial section of the museum, a little street full of former shops. This is 
a kitchenware store built in the late 1920s. The outside is covered by copper plates.

Oil-paper umbrella shop

And this beautiful public bathhouse. What was amazing about this is
how little Japanese bathhouses have changed in the last 100 years.

Outside of the bathhouse.. The features are similar to temples and shrines, with carvings of 
gods of good luck above the entrance.

There were lots of bilingual signs around with tonnes of information. I'd love to go back. One I sign took a photo of was in this bathhouse. I'll transcribe most of that here:

We can find a connection between the origin of the bathing in Japan and the custom in which human beings purify their mind and body with water. In Japan where rice has been cultivated with abundant water resources since BCE, water was a holy element that fosters life and washes away kegare [lit: uncleanness], a polluted and evil condition, and purge things.

In a part of the Account of the Easterners: Account of the Japanese people, which recorded the situation of Japan in the circa 3rd century in the Book of Wei of the Records of the Three Kingdoms, the official history of China, described a custom in which a family who lost their members immersed themselves into water in a white costume after the funeral to purge kegare. The manner of purification of the mind and body with water was diversified into a variety of practices such as immersion into rivers and waterfalls and remains today. Apart from it, the manner of rinsing hands and mouth at chōzuya (fountain for purification) when the people visit shrines is another transformation of the custom that continued to exist.

Bathing, in which people artificially boil water and use the hot water and steam from it, was introduced to Japan around the 6th century with the arrival of Buddhism. The Buddhist temples were equipped with bathing facilities in which Buddhist monks cleanse their minds and bodies and heal their illness in steam which were required to accord with the teaching of Buddha. These facilities were later opened to the public . . . and spread widely over Japan along with having been associated with the propagation of Buddhism. 

Public bathing in Japan peaked in the 60s, I think, and then began to decline as people increasingly had bathrooms in their own homes. Most people these days indulge in public bathing as a relaxing pastime, something you might go out to do on a day off.

But back to Tuesday: by 3 the warmest part of the day was past and a cold wind had whipped up…and also whipped up the dust and lots of dead grass. It was nasty. Just outside the museum was a large Pottery Market. Massive, actually. All in well-secured, but open tents. We poked our noses in just for a short while, but refrained from buying anything. All the beautiful dishes were covered in dirt and grass from the wind! Needless to say, we hurried back to the car to get out of it all.

Wednesday to Friday: it was back to work at my desk at home. I had a lot of things waiting for my attention and really that’s what I did for the next three days. First day and a half I mainly focused on magazine matters and from Thursday afternoon I turned attention to OMF social media. It was satisfying.

Saturday: I went into our nearest big city centre for lunch with some other mums with kids who have significant special challenges. This loosely affiliated group gets together for lunch every other month, but I don't often make it. A very diverse group of women, and interesting conversation about our lives.

The adventure really began after I left them. I got back to the train station and found that half an hour earlier there'd been a fire near my home station and the line was closed for now. It was 3 pm and the day was already fading, I needed to decide how I was going to get home. Incidents like this quickly bring up feelings of insecurity and fragility in a foreign country. I'm very comfortable with trains in our part of Tokyo, but how easily that comfort can be disrupted!

I was 17 km from home, not far, but far enough. On a Saturday afternoon, in Tokyo, that is a 50–60 minute drive. Now I have some distance from the incident, I can see some other options, but in the heat of the moment my main thought was: can David drive and pick me up (he was at home with the car) and my second thought was: how far can I walk before he gets here? So that's what we did: I walked west and he drove east. We met up 50 minutes later, he'd driven 13 km and I'd walked 4. The walking was good and took me to a spot that was much easier for David to find me and drive around (less congested). In the end it took nearly 2 ½ hours to get home. The train would have taken about 20 minutes, plus the walk home. That's why we take the train!

Sunday: it was a pretty usual day. We rode to church mid-morning, bought lunch at a convenience store across the road, ate lunch with various others who stayed, then rode home. And then chatted and played online games with our kids for 90 minutes before having dinner.

Then back to Monday which was another people-intense day, the way all the weeks in February have started. Yesterday I spent time in the morning catching up with a colleague, and in the afternoon was back at my desk catching up with many things that had been waiting. I love both being with people and working at home at editing, writing, and admin tasks. And this month has had both in abundance and relatively well balanced. I'm thankful.

I'm still pondering my current responsibilities and wondering if I should seek to add anything else to them. In weeks like I've described above, I've had more than enough to keep me out of trouble ;-) and it makes me think that it would be foolish to eat up the margin that I do have by adding more. I have to remember these kinds of weeks when things get quieter for a time, remembering to savour the quiet times. 

It reminds me of a some Bible passages:

1There is a time for everything,

and a season for every activity under the heavens:

2a time to be born and a time to die,

a time to plant and a time to uproot,

3a time to kill and a time to heal,

a time to tear down and a time to build,

4a time to weep and a time to laugh,

a time to mourn and a time to dance,

5a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them,

a time to embrace and a time to refrain from embracing,

6a time to search and a time to give up,

a time to keep and a time to throw away,

7a time to tear and a time to mend,

a time to be silent and a time to speak,

8a time to love and a time to hate,

a time for war and a time for peace.

9What do workers gain from their toil? 10I have seen the burden God has laid on the human race. 11He has made everything beautiful in its time. He has also set eternity in the human heart; yet no-one can fathom what God has done from beginning to end. 12I know that there is nothing better for people than to be happy and to do good while they live. 13That each of them may eat and drink, and find satisfaction in all their toil – this is the gift of God. 14I know that everything God does will endure for ever; nothing can be added to it and nothing taken from it. God does it so that people will fear him. (Ecclesiastes 3, NIV)

And also:

He says, ‘Be still, and know that I am God;

I will be exalted among the nations,

I will be exalted in the earth.’

11The Lord Almighty is with us;

the God of Jacob is our fortress. (Psalm 46, NIV)