More big thoughts on small talk

I've probably put some people off ever talking to me again after yesterday's post. 

Just so as you don't misunderstand me. Small talk IS important. Just as warming up before exercise is important. Plunging straight into "Big" talk doesn't work really well, even with the closest of friends. And it makes most people feel nervous. Plunging straight into vigorous exercise without limbering up a little is actually pretty dangerous. 

But look at it the other way, if you only ever do the warming up exercises and never get to the vigorous exercise, you'll have a very shallow exercise experience. You'll never develop the fitness you desire. Just so, if you only ever remain on small talk, you'll never develop a friendship past a very shallow relationship. And of course that is what happens with most people you meet - it is impossible to have more than a shallow relationship with very many people. The frustration I expressed yesterday is with longer-term relationships that get stuck on the small talk level.

Dan made an important point on my Facebook page in relation to yesterday's post he said:

"...We find that this is difficult when we return to the US after being in Japan. We too want to move quickly from small talk (level 1) to more deeper levels (2-5), but you will see the person become uncomfortable. Those of us who have been in an expatriate situation know that it is important to develop our friendships quickly as we may not have much time with our new friends."

I look back at me in the past and sometimes wonder how I became predisposed to loving deep conversation. Some of it is my inbuilt personality - extrovert, loves to talk. Some of it is the relationships I developed at uni and especially the residential college (dorm for the Americans) I lived in. 

On top of that we've come overseas and Dan makes the point very well. There is transition going on around us all the time. Either it is us, or someone close to us who is coming or going. Whichever way, there is a sense of "we don't have much time to invest in this relationship" and that sense of urgency drives us deeper faster. 

There is also a knowledge that good relationships, many of them long-distance, is what helps us to survive the challenges of living in another country. We cannot sit back and assume that relationships will just develop with those who are around us, because we aren't very similar to the people who are around us. Our lives are very different to most people we meet. That requires a special level of intentional effort on our part and doesn't allow for passivity in relationship building.

Then we take this learned behaviour "home" with us and it probably makes some people very uncomfortable. Our best friends at home are those who like to go deep quickly too. But just in case you're wondering, we don't rock up to them and say, "Hi, haven't seen you for four years. How's your relationship with the Lord going?" No, of course we spend time talking about surface things (warming up), but quickly move on to deeper topics (the real exercise) because we know that we won't have long to spend with these friend either and it is a waste of time to sit around talking for a long time about the latest shopping bargains we got or how badly the Australian cricket team is playing.

So, please don't feel I'm condemning small talk. It is a very important part of relationship building. In fact, those who struggle to make small talk are seriously limited in their ability to get along in almost any social situation. All I am saying is that I long for deeper conversations (preluded by small talk, of course).