Work retreat

For most of last week I hung out with the OMF Japan social media team. We're a five-person remote team and work from our respective homes across Japan. Our role is mobilisation: we encourage people to get more involved in mission, even if that is just knowing more about the needs for the gospel in Japan. Each team member is part-time, we've all got other ministries that we're involved in. So it was a joy to get together in one place (mostly—one member didn't join us as she's on maternity leave).

During our days together we talked about teamwork and personalities, about our mission as a team, and other team matters. But we also spent time creating together. It can be hard to just turn the creative tap on, but after working through some frustration we eventually got there. Actually, by the last afternoon I had to work hard to turn the creativity off so that we could finish our retreat and go home, even if we hadn't finished the projects we set our hands to.

My role on the team is leader, as well as writer and editor. I got to do a short writing/editing workshop with the team this year—it always amazes me how much I know about editing when I get to teach others about it (but I'm also aware that there's so much I still need to learn, especially about editing longer-form writing).

Checking out photos that one team member took.

Choosing something for lunch: yes, Japanese menus can
be huge, but (generally helpfully) include pictures.

Can you hear the creativity crackling?

Brainstorming themes for 2026

The most surprising thing to come out of the retreat was that all those at the retreat had been assessed as "NFP"s on the MBTI (our absent team member is also an "NF"). If you are my FB friend you may have seen that I was questioning my own "type" before the retreat. It's been over 25 years since I had a professional assessment of my type. At the time I was a newly wed, working as an Occupational Therapist, had no kids, and had never lived overseas. Last month I did a short online version of the assessment and came out with a different "type". I did it again a few days later and came out with yet another type. 

For the purpose of the retreat I went with my original type, but I'm left pondering how I've changed. If I recall correctly, my original type indicated that two of my categories were close to the middle. So my working theory is that because much has changed in my life that has changed me, I've grown. I've learned how to operate differently than when I was that 25 y.o., and I'm pretty comfortable with that. I'm also realising that I'm older and I don't have the same level of energy that I did before I had children. I now work a fairly "introverted" job that requires a lot of organisation skills and attention to details; I've lived for most of my adult life in a country with a very different culture and where I don't understand the language well. All these things change you. Occasionally I have opportunity to break out into my more extroverted, crazy self and that often surprises those who only know me in this context. But I love that. 

I also like that I'm able to tap into my creative side, while keeping hold of my organisational abilities. It's a sly combo of these two that have allowed me to both be part of the creative groups that attended the writer's retreat in May and the social media retreat last week, but have also allowed me to be the organiser of these retreats (something that not everyone who came are good at). The more creative part of my personality also loves the variety in my job.

Alas, last week finished and this week began and I'm back at my desk, hardly talking to anyone during the day (though I have been writing many emails). I'm glad we had the retreat, but also glad that I don't work like that all the time—by Friday night I was pretty knackered (US=exhausted). I've been catching up on all the work that got sidelined while I was away...after three solid days at my desk I'm getting there.

Opportunity to tell about a lifetime of learning to trust God

I "gave my testimony" at church a couple of weeks ago. That phrase is generally associated with telling how you came to Christ. But for some people like me, that is not an especially enthralling story because we came to Christ as a young child with no drama. I can't even remember a time I didn't believe in God, so there really isn't much to tell.

These are the gorgeous flowers
that stood in front of the lectern are
a type of protea, native to South 
Africa. But they are a close relative
to the Australian native plants:
banksias, grevilleas, and macadamias.

 But "testimony" also means "an open acknowledgment" or "a public profession of religious experience" according to the Merriam-Webster dictionary. So, I called it "A lifetime of learning to trust God" and told a bigger story about my life. I said a bit about my childhood, a bit about how I came to meet David and came to Japan, a bit about how I came to be an editor and writer. The last third of my story was about struggling to trust God as I walked alongside our kids, as they finished high school and moved into adult life. Much of this is stuff I've written about here at various times, though it was a challenge to squeeze the details out so that I could present it in under 15 minutes.

I have stood up in front of churches and other gatherings many times to tell stories about life and ministry in Japan, it's part of our job when we're on home assignment (which we've done for a total of 4 ½ years during the last 25 years). I can't remember having an opportunity like this before. I did have to give my testimony in Japanese at language school, but doing that in (my poor) Japanese was a very different experience to speaking in my heart language.

This one turned out to be a pretty teary experience, even bits that were from a very long time ago! I know that public speaking makes me nervous, which in turn makes me more likely to be emotional when I speak, so I had tissues with me, but I didn't expect be this tearful! 

But I was very encouraged by the opportunity to be heard by the whole church. An experience like that often means an emotional connection with the audience and I've had numerous conversations since then confirming that. I pray that it was helpful for some to hear that this very ordinary person, who happens to have the label "missionary", struggles in her faith, just like they do.

Identity: shifting and changing

It's been a great joy to be able to come back to Australia this month and interact with our kids in a different way, to start laying different memories and also to see them coping with day-to-day life as independent adults (one of the long-term goals, in the end, of parenting). Next week we'll also spend a few days with our eldest son and his wife, and we're really looking forward to that too.

Throw back to me in Singapore:
discovering I could do
tourism in a foreign country
on my own.

On Sunday I was talking to someone about these last 12 months and realised that kids leaving home is part of an ever changing journey with our identity. My friend has been a grandma almost as long as I've been a mum and related a story from just the previous week about her journey as a grandma. Her youngest grandchild is 10 and my friend realised that this young lady doesn't need her grandma in the same way as she used to, this realisation made her sad. Her role is changing again. 

My role is changing too, the years of having kids under my roof all the time has gone and it's been time to think again about who am I in this new season.

Change in roles is disorientating. Change of a role as intimate and lengthy as a mother is potentially even more so. I am not only my children's mother, but being a mum 24/7 for so many years (nearly half my life) means that my identity has somewhat become entwined with my kids. I expect that that's similar for anyone who cares for someone long-term. 

Last year I was talking with a single lady in her 60s and blurted out something like, "It's not as if I wasn't a person before I had kids." She thought that was a preposterous statement, but was kind enough not to point out who I was talking to (a non-person, if having kids makes you a person!). But sometimes it does feel that way, because that's how intertwined in your children's lives you become while raising them, even when the relationship is fairly healthy.

While pondering this topic I found this interesting article called "When caring changes or ends". It covers things like the feelings you might have at such a juncture, also reflecting, adjusting to new routines, and being gentle with yourself. Helpful stuff, even if it isn't especially about kids leaving home!

I really didn't expect to still be adjusting to this, more than a year after our children left home, but it seems I am. It's a new season, but not as simple as just turning a page into a new chapter, the stuff that's gone before is not forgotten.

Eight years ago, a year before my first born left home, I wrote this in a blog post:

For a time you may feel as though you've lost touch with who you were. But in the end you'll discover that actually, your old self is being changed into something new. If you're a Christian you can be sure that God will use this experience to make you more like him, if you're willing. (from here)

It's a good reminder that it's just another segment of our journey, I've gone through many changes thus far in my life that have changed me, and there are more to come. I've been changed by the journey and I can embrace that.

Pondering the Biblical metaphor of shepherd and sheep

I often think of the scenes of
another book I read as a
child, Heidi, when I think of 
ancient shepherds. In that 
book the animals are goats,
but they have a goatherd who 
daily takes them up onto the
mountain slopes in Switzerland
and is charged with keeping 
them safe.
Image by Greg Montani from Pixabay

Recently at our church we heard a sermon about Jesus's statement "I am the good shepherd" (John 10:11 NIV). This metaphor is especially precious to me. It was one that God impressed on my heart as a young teenager, just as I was starting to question my since-childhood-faith. I think that, as a child, I felt a lot of pressure to "be good", so to know that I was cared for like a shepherd cares for their sheep was a great comfort. 

Shepherding was a common profession in Biblical times and is mentioned 118 times in the NIV version of the Bible.

This verse was particularly precious to me at a mid-pandemic individual mini retreat that I did in 2020:

He [the Sovereign Lord] tends his flock like a shepherd:
he gathers the lambs in his arms
and carries them close to his heart;
he gently leads those that have young. (Isaiah 40:11 NIV)

He holds us close to his heart: that's very intimate, like a parent holds a baby!

Here's another example of this metaphor:

The Lord their God will save his people on that day as a shepherd saves his flock. (Zechariah 9:16)

And of course the whole of Psalm 23, which starts with—"The Lord is my shepherd, I lack nothing".

Leaders of Israel are often referred to as shepherds, and often condemned as bad shepherds. 

God refers to himself as a shepherd (eg. Zechariah above).

Early in his ministry the Bible records that Jesus saw a large crowd and "had compassion on them, because they were harassed and helpless, like sheep without a shepherd." (Matt. 9:36 NIV).

There's a whole passage in John 10 about Jesus as a shepherd.

This benediction at the end of Hebrews:

Now may the God of peace, who through the blood of the eternal covenant brought back from the dead our Lord Jesus, that great Shepherd of the sheep. (Hebrews 13:20)

And in this passage, Peter urges his readers to live for God in a society that doesn't respect God's authority:

For ‘you were like sheep going astray,’ but now you have returned to the Shepherd and Overseer of your souls. (1 Peter 2:25)

Our pastor dwelt on what sheep are really like. Here are some characteristics (from memory):

• not good at making decisions or thinking for themselves, in fact renowned for doing "stupid" things,
• good at following the crowd and prone to wander,
• weak and vulnerable, without defence, and
• not beasts of burden.

We're compared to sheep multiple times in the Bible, but it's not necessarily complimentary! But what a comfort, that God knows how weak and "stupid" we are, and cares for us despite that.

During the sermon Psalm 121 also came up. It doesn't specifically mention sheep or shepherds, but the it's quite applicable to sheep-like creatures. Verse eight stood out to me: 

 "The Lord watches over your coming and going, both now and forevermore."

The other day, I came across this same combining of "shepherd" and "coming and going" in Numbers, in my daily Bible reading. It was coming to the end of Moses's life and he asked God for a successor to take over looking after the nation of Israel, who didn't yet have a permanent place to settle:

Moses said to the Lord, ‘May the Lord, the God who gives breath to all living things, appoint someone over this community to go out and come in before them, one who will lead them out and bring them in, so that the Lord’s people will not be like sheep without a shepherd.’ (Numbers 27:15–17)

Our pastor drew out the point that God watches over the daily coming and going that happens in our lives. Back in Biblical days, a shepherd, I'm told, slept across the doorway of the place where the sheep spent the night, so he was literally the door and in charge of when they came in and out of that shelter.

This same verse in Ps. 121 also came up at our mission's regional monthly prayer and fellowship gathering the very next day. Different angle on it, though, talking more about all the transition, hellos and goodbyes, which are ever present in the missionary's life. What a comfort to be reminded that God is right there beside us in all these.

I love a good word study...left on my own, it's often how I study the Bible. This metaphor has been a theme that God has periodically reminded me of over the years. I hope it's been an encouragement or help to you today.

Expectations

Expectations play a big part in how we experience life.

One example is weather. We had a dinner party on Saturday night with three American friends. They all come from a cold part of the US. One of them experienced his first Tokyo winter earlier this year and he didn't feel it was cold enough! In contrast I had an online meeting last week with a young Filipino lady who visited Japan for a month early this year. I asked her how the cold weather was for her! She didn't come with any winter clothes (she didn't own any)! Thankfully she was able to get some here. She also saw snow for the first time and was amazed. Tokyo's winter was well and truly cold enough for her!

The contrasts in the above two stories aren't with who these people are, but the differences were their expectations which were shaped by life experiences.

Likewise, our 19 years of experience with Tokyo summers have led us to expect that the weather will cool down in early September—but this year it didn't, not until the 22nd! My expectations, sadly, made me unsettled and unhappy as I waited for the weather to change.

So why have expectations come to mind to write about today? Because as we've come into this new chapter of our lives I realise that I've held various expectations, and worse, imagined that other people had expectations of us. I don't think I've been living up to my expectations and certainly feel as though I fall short of what I imagine others expect of me.

Interestingly, as I've thought about this today I've had two sides to the "coin" brought to my attention:

Side 1: You're robbing God

Over lunch I listened to the sermon that was presented at our home church in Australia. It was on Malachi 3:3-12, entitled "Robbing God". It looked at how the Israelites were not giving God what was owed to him (the tithes and offerings he had told them to bring). In short, the application to us today was–are we robbing God by not generously giving. This isn't just in money, but in time and capacity. How can I serve God? Is my life a testimony to his goodness? 

Romans 12:1 "Therefore, I urge you, brothers and sisters, in view of God’s mercy, to offer your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and pleasing to God – this is your true and proper worship."

Many sermons and books and other things we say to one another are along this line: you're not good enough, you're not trying hard enough, you're not committed enough. My tendency towards rule keeping and wanting not to disappoint others (first born child?!) means I often end up beating myself up on this front.

Side 2: God's grace

This morning I read an article by a missionary in Japan. She wrote: "I regularly wrestle with wondering if God is disappointed in me." So do I! The article she wrote is here and is about the time when in a small Bible study with a couple of Japanese believers, she saw a different side of the Parable of the Workers that Jesus told (in Matthew 20:1-16). It's a story that showcases God's generosity, but also challenges our right to question God's choices. She was impressed that God's grace is not connected with our capacity to serve him, that God loves us and accepts us anyway.

My thoughts go to other places in the Bible that say similar things like:

Isaiah 40 where we're told God knows how frail we are and that our faithfulness doesn't endure (vs 6-8), and yet he holds us close like a shepherd holds a lamb to his chest (vs 11).

Mauve dancing ladies ginger, 
spotted in Geelong Botanical
Gardens in May. Isaiah 40
compares us to flowers that fall.
It's good to remember!

Psalm 103:13-14 Which talks about how God has compassion on us because he remembers we are "made of dust".

Psalm 139 which tells us that God knows even our secret thoughts and he knew us before we were born, he created us just as he wanted us to be, yet he also never leaves us, he always guides us and "holds us fast".

1 Corinthians 1:26-29 where it talks about how God chose (to be his disciples) the foolish, weak, low, and despised.

What are God's expectations of us? And, which of these two sides should we choose? Well, I say we need to choose both. Because, like many things, they are both true. It's not a black and white situation, though my small mind wants to make it so.

I both need to strive to obey God and do my best to offer my best to him, but I also need to rest in his grace, to know that he accepts me even when I don't meet my own (or my perception of others') expectations. My own bent is to be very hard on myself, so I probably need to lean towards the second side of the coin to counterbalance the "being good to earn God's approval" mentality that I so easily slip into.

How about you? Which of these is easier for you? How do you keep a balanced attitude to your expectations of yourself?

Wisdom and peace about what I do

Last week we started to see a bit more spaciousness in our schedule. Finally! This year has been a fairly continuous hard slog. By God's grace we've made it through thus far, but without a clear holiday yet in view, it's really good to find that we can slow down in the midst of it all. But as usual, I find it's a mental and emotional challenge to change pace.

Somewhat random photo that I took
in WA when we were on Rottnest Is.

Last week we had three quieter days and then headed up to the town where I was born and raised. During the four days we spent there we had two formal speaking opportunities as well as time to catch up with family and friends (including a short and furious op-shop crawl). We stayed with my parents and had lots of time to touch base with them. That was all very good, but also tiring! We drove back late Sunday afternoon and I backed up on Monday with an all-day Zoom meeting with most of our magazine team. That was also very good, but also tiring. 

I slept 11 hours Monday night and spent a lot of Tuesday just sitting around (I did finish a book). On Wednesday I had more energy, enough to do some weekly household chores and more elaborate baking than I've done for months. That night I slept badly (again), but was able to sleep in on Thursday morning. Lacking much routine has good and bad points. Being able to sleep in as much as I need some mornings is one of the good points!

The mental battle for me with such a varied schedule basically runs along the lines of internal dialogue that says:You're being lazy . . . that's okay, I'm being kind to myself . . . but couldn't you be using this time better . . . oh look, there's a cool thing to read or play or watch . . . a whole day has gone by and what do you have to show for it? . . . it's been hard few years, the psychologist said to aim for boredom . . . you haven't had it as hard as others . . . etc. 

Yes, I need to remind myself of this blogpost from August: An aha moment

I also need to remind myself that I'm not defined by my schedule, I'm not defined by what I do, or how much I do, or how well I do it. That's a really hard thing to embrace. David and I are somewhat defined by the label we wear, by the calling we have: missionaries or cross-cultural workers. It's hard to combat that. What we do shapes how we live far more than if we had jobs in Australia, much like how being in the military shapes and defines people far more than civilian life. I think it's also a facet of jobs that fall more into the "calling" category.

At this point I need to stop and remember what God says about my identity. It turns out he says a lot. Here's one portion from Ephesians 2:

Now God has us where he wants us, with all the time in this world and the next to shower grace and kindness upon us in Christ Jesus. Saving is all his idea, and all his work. All we do is trust him enough to let him do it. It’s God’s gift from start to finish! We don’t play the major role. If we did, we’d probably go around bragging that we’d done the whole thing! No, we neither make nor save ourselves. God does both the making and saving. He creates each of us by Christ Jesus to join him in the work he does, the good work he has gotten ready for us to do, work we had better be doing. (vv. 7–10, The Message).

Yes, it's a different version to what many of us are used to reading, but sometimes that is helpful. In this case it reminds me that I'm not indispensable, that what I do is something God's prepared for me to do. And to balance it out, what I do is not to earn the reward of God's love. As Philip Yancey wrote, "There is nothing we can do to make God love us more and there is nothing we can do to make God love us less."

So I needn't be afraid that I'm being lazy, but should trust that this quieter time is God's gift to us. We're in this for the long-term, so taking care of ourselves is an important part of staying the course. I know that in my head, but I still have those internal dialogue battles!

I read an article recently on Forbes.com that talked about how we often define ourselves by our jobs, and how that can be negative, especially if we're between jobs, or if our job title doesn't interest others. The author suggested: 

The next time someone asks you the question, “What do you do?” share something else about who you are and what you care about that goes beyond your job title alone. Doing this reinforce more dimensions of your work and identity so others can have a more complete picture of who you are and what you stand for.

That bears some thinking upon...

At the moment our job is to talk to people about what we do and where we do it. It's actually a battle to help people understand because they feel like our lives are so different to theirs and they come to us with a lot of preconceptions about who we are and what we do. On Sunday I had someone come up to me at the church where we'd spoken who made a confession: that day, for the first time, she'd understood what I do. She'd heard us speak several times in the past couple of decades, but hadn't understood. I don't know why—she wasn't keen for a long conversation and took off as soon as she's said that. I'd love to have talked longer to discover what it was that we said on Sunday that helped.

Writing like this makes me feel nervous. I'm nervous that someone is going to point out that I'm not doing enough, that I am not enough.

Someone suggested to me recently that those negative thoughts are from the enemy, but I'm not so sure that they all are. I've been conscientious all my life, it helps me get my job done when I have little supervision or accountability. And I've also been present at plenty of Christian events where I've been told (overtly or otherwise) I need to do more—more evangelism, more discipleship, more theological study, more prayer, more family-based devotions, more and more... 

I'm just not sure I'm wise enough to discern which of these thoughts in my head are right and worth listening to, and which aren't. 

What comes with the territory as a missionary is frequently being asked "What can we pray for?" (Seriously, as well as writing a monthly prayer letter, I answer at least two or three emails a month with this specific request from our organisation.) One of my most common requests is for wisdom. A thoroughly biblical prayer:

If any of you lacks wisdom, you should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to you (James 1:5 NIV).

And here I will end this meandering collection of thoughts and head into what's looking like a potentially quiet weekend!

An aha moment

Every time we’ve come on home assignment (this is our fifth) I’ve made a photo album about our recent term of service to share with people. It’s been a very helpful tool when we meet informally with small groups, or over meals, or even when chatting with someone after a church service that we've spoken at. So now we have a collection of five photo albums summarising our last 22 1/2 years!

This year I wondered if I was going to get a photo album done before I left Japan (or at all). Back in February (see this blog post) there seemed like so much to do. Photo album was on the list, but it was way down below other priorities like "moving", "handing over our work to others", and "finding somewhere to live in Australia". But I found some time to do it in the last week before we headed to conference, after I'd handed most of my work on to others and before we started packing up our house.

The other day I pulled out the earliest photo album to show some ladies who know our eldest son . . . the first photo album shows his early days in Japan and they loved seeing that. The aha moment came later when I thought about how detailed the first couple of albums were, compared to the ones I’ve made the last couple of times. How did I have the time?

I realised that those first two albums were made when my role in Japan was mostly full-time stay at home mum. A role that was busy, but didn't completely satisfy my creative tendencies and also had many little moments that I could use for an extra project. The photo albums are evidence of that. They are also evidence that, as my kids have grown and become more independent and busy outside the home, I've also taken on more work that's focussed outside the home.

That realisation led to me further realising that I should never been afraid that I'm being too lazy. That, over the years, I've naturally filled my time with productive and creative things. And I appear to keep filling up my time until I reach my limit. Another place to see that is this blog. From 2009 when I started it, until late 2017 I wrote here most days. What happened in 2017? I took on new roles: OMF Japan's social media and website content.

That fear of laziness? I'm a conscientious soul, always have been, and I don't like the thought that I'm wasting my precious time on this earth. Because I work flexible hours at home on several different jobs it can be difficult to tell if I'm working at my capacity. Over the years I think it's become a little easier to read the signs that I'm overdoing it, however sometimes I still don't recognise that until I've stepped over the "too busy" line.

I knew that I'd be tired yesterday, because we had a run of high-octane days last week: several intense, but good times with friends and colleagues, the start of deputation meetings, and sorting through years of accumulated resources related to speaking about Japan here (unpacked it easily took over our dining room and office). Amidst all that, various other things continued to need our attention, including medical and bureaucratic matters. 

Thankfully yesterday we could just call a halt to the craziness and we focussed hard on "not doing", not opening the computer and not talking about work stuff. I'm feeling better today, but know that I need to be cautious. We're still recovering from this major transition and don't quite have the stamina we're used to when we're settled in Japan.

It's amazing to me that at 50 I'm still learning more about myself. This realisation about my internal drive to fill my days makes it easier to push though this very fuzzy year known as home assignment. We don't have anyone closely looking over our shoulder to tell us to work harder or to take it easier. No one assigns us a schedule or tells us what meetings we have to attend. We don't have to report to anyone the number of hours that we work and we don't have as many deadlines as I usually juggle. All in all, there's not much accountability for our day-to-day activities and it's easy to wonder if we're doing an okay job, or if we're wasting time.

But then there's the debrief we had earlier in the month with a psychologist. She recommended we take things a bit easier this year, even aim for boredom! (I usually avoid boredom pretty studiously.) 

We've carried a fair weight these last few years as parents of someone who isn't neurotypical (see this blog post from last year when I poured out something of what that has meant). I hesitate to call myself a "carer", as many others carry much heavier, full-time caring responsibilities, but it is similar. It's something that is hard to escape, but also something that is woven into the fabric of our lives in a way that has changed us and how we live. The psychologist challenged us, as we work towards the goal of all our boys living separately from us, to explore things and ways of living that we've just had to avoid in the past, in order to survive. It’s going to be an interesting adventure. 

But my big challenge now is trusting, moment-by-moment that we will eventually get there, that we will make it through this transition time. 

 I need to do what David did when he wrote Psalm 62, tell myself: “Yes, my soul, find rest in God; my hope comes from him. Truly he is my rock and my salvation; he is my fortress, I shall not be shaken. My salvation and my honour depend on God; he is my mighty rock, my refuge. Trust in him at all times, you people; pour out your hearts to him, for God is our refuge (vv 5–8 NIV)”.

Looking back at 2022

The last three years I've used some interesting and challenging questions to write this last post of the year, so I'm going to do it again.

1. What makes this year unforgettable?

The context of the year (coming after nearly two years of a global pandemic) makes it both forgettable and unforgettable. Looking back even at this short distance at the pandemic and it's hard to remember what happened when, because we don't have big hooks to hang them on. There was a lot of "not doing" during 2020, 2021, and early 2022. However this year life began to change, moving closer to "normal", though masks are still a real part of our daily lives in Japan. We started the year not knowing when the borders would open again to tourists in Japan and end the year with our eldest son in our house (without a visa).

We will remember this year as the year we went to Australia in the middle of the year and did lots of fun stuff, as well as some hard stuff. August was a difficult month for me: I farewelled David and our youngest son at the start of the month, contracted COVID within a couple of days, and had some challenging times on my own with our middle son while living in someone else's house.

It was the year that our last son started his last year of high school. And we entered our last year of living in this house we've raised our family in since 2010.

2. What did I enjoy doing this year?

A sunset on a Queensland beach midyear.

A definite highlight was a week's holiday in June/July with two of my best friends and their families at a beach in Australia. Hours and hours to just talk and be together was like being in paradise. I also got to stay with one of them for ten days at the end of August, which was also precious. Plus I got one-on-one time with two other close friends, which I treasured.

Walking after dinner with David is occasionally a chore, but more often than not it's a joy, even when the temperatures aren't really hospitable. I really missed the regular catchup with him when we were in Australia.

We've enjoyed watching cricket again on TV, finally they've begun to provide ways for fans in Japan to subscribe.

3. What/who is one thing/person I'm grateful for?

David. I rely on him a lot, but he also leans on me. We make a good team and don't function as well when we're apart. This year marked our 25th wedding anniversary. I'm so thankful.

4. What did I read/watch/listen to that made the most impact this year?

Again, I've really enjoyed listening to various episodes of the Undeceptions podcast.

I hit my target of 100 books read in 2022. But also discarded more than 20 books as "didn't finish", these were books that I'd invested time in (not just read a couple of pages). I'm getting more fussy about what I read, partly due to getting older, but also because I've got easy access to a whole library of ebooks. One of my loves is browsing in the library from the comfort of my own home (or, to be honest, bed...the place I do much of my reading).

Gentle and Lowly by Dane C. Orlund was a standout non-fiction book this year. I read it slowly over eight months (I usually read a couple of fiction books a week). I think I need to read it again. It's a balm to a weary soul. For example this sentence from Ch 4: "If you are in Christ, you have a Friend who, in your sorrow, will never lob down a pep talk from heaven. He cannot bear to hold himself at a distance."

Sacred Pathways by Gary L. Thomas was another really valuable book to read. I came across it through working on a magazine issue themed "Arts and Ministry". It showed me a few things about myself and my life experiences that I hadn't realised.

5. What did I worry about most and how did it turn out?

We had a prolonged passport/visa renewal situation that strung out over several months earlier in the year. In April we very nearly had an illegal immigrant in our household, but managed to dodge that by pleading with the embassy for an appointment. Flying to and from Australia is never fun, but it was pretty miserable this year. We had all our original flights to and from Australia cancelled by airlines. Our journey to Australia took 35 hours, which is more than three times the usual length. We also ended up paying more for peace of mind as we changed our return flights to ensure that we go there before our visas expired. Japan still required negative PCR tests and cancelled flights made that complicated. I worried a lot through all of this. I lost sleep, had headaches, reflux, and various bacterial, viral, and fungal infections, as well as asthma-complicated COVID.

I also worried about our eldest son's lack of employment. His savings ran very low this year before he finally found consistent work. This was very hard to watch. 

6. What is my biggest regret?

Hard question! The Merriam Webster dictionary gives two disparate definitions of regret. One is a verb: to be very sorry for (a mistake) and the other is a noun: sorrow aroused by circumstances beyond one's control or power to repair. 

There are things that happened that I regret, but I didn't have the power to change them. I regret that my family has sometimes caused pain for others, but much of that hasn't been within my power to change. I regret that others haven't understood us (sometimes because they don't have the life experience to help, or they have biases that mean they can't see the full picture), but again, while I may have tried to help others understand, their understanding is beyond my ability to change.

I regret some of the things I've said yes to and later ended up with too much on my plate, often because of things outside of my control or beyond my ability to anticipate what was coming in the future.

7. What's something that has changed about me?

I've begun to more strongly identify as a writer this year. When someone asks me what I do, I say "I'm a writer and an editor". That's an easy summary that doesn't overwhelm people. I haven't written a book, and don't (yet) have an ambition to, but that doesn't mean that I'm not a writer. Writing this post about life with mental illness was a bit of a turning point: https://mmuser.blogspot.com/2022/10/the-truth-about-journeying-with-illness.html

A close friend wrote this to me in early November: "Have been observing a really positive shift in you Wendy, from anxiety and feeling isolated to coming to peace with what is and inviting others into a space of being honest and vulnerable...which alleviates isolation for yourself and them also. Just thought you might like to hear from the outsider's perspective. God is good!! He's been at work and continues to be so." She connected a few dots I was too close to see, God has been good to me in giving me friends who will do that!

8. What surprised me most this year?

Some of the change we longed for during the depth of the pandemic was actually harder to adjust to than we would have imagined. I struggled to interact socially in a group at times this year, even in groups that I previously was fine with.

I was also pleasantly surprised by an opportunity to do an interview (for an article) with four Japanese people in the one afternoon, some of that was in English and some in Japanese.

9. What Bible truths impacted me this year?

A verse that has stuck with me arrived in my mail box in January last year (see here). It's Deuteronomy 31:8 "The Lord himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged." This was a great comfort, though I admit that in the midst of my worrying, I should have clung to it more tightly at times!

10. What meta-themes have I thought about this year? (in no particular order)

Life with non-physical illnesses and neurodiversity

Being a parent to adult children when they're struggling

Families as a microcosm of culture

Maintaining margin

My work always provides me with lots to ponder. I've thought about (and worked with) themes like honour–shame culture, rest, arts and ministry, mobilisation, prayer, women, fear of failure, missionary partnership development, nature, aging society, and Japanese festivals and traditions.

Highlights

• As I've already stated above: the week's holiday with friends.
• Being able to see our eldest son again and spend significant time with him. 
• We only got one camping trip in this year, and it was a cold one marred by debilitating pain for one of our friends. But still it was a highlight.
• Seeing gradual improvement and growth in our boys. But it's been slow, small steps.

Lowlights

• This year I've only written 39 blog posts, the fewest in it's 13 ½ year existence. So it's ironic that I'm thinking of myself more as a writer than ever before!
• Watching my kids struggle in various realms and wondering about their futures.
• Feeling tired as a parent.
• The start of the year I was stretched way beyond what was healthy, partly by work, partly by responsibilities to my family, and partly with what had happened in 2020 and 2021.

Other thoughts

For much of this year "it's complicated" would probably have been a good response to people's questions to how I was at the time. I've lived more than half my life doing things in ways that most people don't understand. A call to overseas missions leads to a loss of friends and a loss of potential friends, I learned this early on. It turns out that walking with mental illness and neurodiversity is similar and leads to much misunderstanding, even amongst those you thought would "get it". You'd think I was used to this already, but it turns out I wasn't, and probably never will be. I'm ever so thankful to those who do "get me" and have stuck by through all the challenges this year, even when they didn't understand us or our decisions.

My first post of this year was remarkable in the lack of concrete thoughts I could muster for the coming year (or at least that I was willing to commit to a blog post). I think my first post in 2023 will be quite different to that. But I'm getting ahead of myself.

I don't fit in a neat box

Someone asked me what I've been up to this week. It's been a very detailed-focused week. I'm working on the pointy-end of the next issue of the magazine (i.e. the part when we finalise the text for the designer to work on it). This is the stage when I need to be hyper-alert to nailing down all the details and getting them right. That, for me, also involves, getting to a point of agreement with authors about their work. I also need to get to a point of agreement with our production team (designer and proofreader), but we work well together and usually this is fairly smooth. But sometimes we can get too detail focused—like how important is it to know whether or not to put that semicolon there or if a font looks exactly right—and I need to pull back a little and look at the bigger picture.

I've come to the conclusion that I'm a bit of an all-rounder when it comes to the big-picture vs details dichotomy. I'm neither one nor the other. That's actually a helpful balance, at least in the work I usually do. It means I can juggle a job that requires intense concentration on details and stay fairly well on top of organising myriad things. But I can (usually) also step back and take in the bigger picture. But, like social vs alone time, I need a balance. Doing lots of ultra-detailed focusing tires me out. So does lots of big-picture stuff.

This is true in many systems of understanding humans: I don't fall into a neat box. But I think that is true for many people. We get a little bit stuck on questions like—"is she an introvert" or "is he an enneagram 5?" or "am I an ENTP or and INFP?" These systems of understanding personality are fascinating and sometimes helpful, but are they sometimes unhelpful? The older I get the more I struggle to answer the questions in these kinds of assessment. Thoughts like "Well, when I'm having coffee with Sue, I would do this, but if I was at work I'd do that. If I was really tired, I'd choose this, but if I had just had coffee on a Tuesday morning, I'd act like this." Truth is, I'm not consistent in how I react. 

My reactions are a combination of my personality, the immediate context, and what's gone before. Living cross-culturally hasn't helped, either. In Australia I act differently to in Japan! It's true. I really struggled with that when I first came here, it made me feel like I had a dual personality. Having a clear understanding of language and culture taken away from you can turn you into much more of an introvert than you used to be! You get much more observant, and work harder to interpret your context than you ever had to in your home country. Oh, did you know that I change how I speak according to who I'm speaking too, also? So an American won't usually hear me say, "I'm going to the toilet" but I would say that to a British person. British people won't usually hear me say, "See you this arvo" but an Australian might.

This can all be a bit exhausting! 

I'm glad God's given me the ability to read social situations and adapt to different contexts, because I've seen up close how that can go wrong, even in small ways. But I'm also glad that he's my dependable rock in the midst of all the shifting and changing. He doesn't require me to react in any specific way to earn approval with him. I often chastise myself for not concentrating in church, or falling asleep during prayer time with my husband. It's easy to have regrets about my past behaviour, to question if I've been the best parent I can be, etc. But I need to keep coming back to the solid truth that I'm loved regardless of how good or bad I am. And indeed, on my own, I can't ever be good enough to reach the standards God demands.

And with that thought, I'm winding down towards my weekend. I'm weary, how about you? Thankfully tomorrow's looking quiet!

Non-typical retreating

Considering spiritual retreats—I think that I've pretty much decided that I do better with an "active" or "creative" one, rather than a more traditional retreat that requires spends a lot of time alone in meditation or reflection. I think better while I'm riding my bike or walking. I think reflectively while I'm being creative too, like baking and cooking, taking photos and cross stitching. And, of course, writing, helps me to think and to solidify my thoughts. Writing retreats have been so energising to me in the last 10 or so years, and writing here has been a constant help to me as I've processed and pondered God's truths and reflected on what's be going on in my life.

Anyway, the other day I took a few hours to ride to the "big park" and a cafe, and it turned into something of a retreat: a time to ponder God's word, and reflect on life. I'm regretting not writing about it straight away, but here are some lingering thoughts from a few meagre notes I took.

I stopped here in the park. This was not a typical retreat.
Here I read a novel, not the Bible or a Christian non-
fiction book!

"Be still and know that I am God" 

This has been a phrase I've repeatedly been drawn to in the last couple of years. At the start of the day I happened upon a reflection and song by an acquaintance of mine based on Psalm 46 (see the reflection here and song here). She noted that though the psalm famously says "Be still, and know that I am God", it's not a psalm set in the middle of peace and quiet, it's actually a psalm about trouble and war. It was often referred to in the aftermath of the 2011 triple disaster in northern Japan. It refers to God being our fortress, that he is "with us" even through terrible things like nations being in an uproar and the earth melting! 

And indeed I can testify to God being with me through what rates as one of the most trying years of my life thus far, most of the details I've been unable to share with you. The mere fact that we're still standing and functioning fairly well is testimony to God's great graciousness.

Isaiah 40

I also reflected on Isaiah 40. It's the chapter I did a retreat on last year, and actually as I look back over this blog and see that this chapter has come up a number of times in the last five years. It's a great passage.

This time I noted the huge contrast between weak and strong. Humans are repeatedly described as weak—young, ordinary, and ones needing comfort. We're compared to grass and flowers that both quickly fade, like grasshoppers. Even rulers are described as weak and fragile compared to God's strength. And God is repeatedly described in powerful ways—that his word stands forever, as someone who can mark off the heavens with the breadth of his hand, who "weighs the islands as though they were fine dust", whose mere breath can sweep away rulers, the creator of the earth and heavens. And he doesn't get tired. His understanding has no limits.

The chapter ends with great hope: that the God who doesn't have limits, gives strength to those who trust in him, who put their hope in him. Though the gap between our capacity is so enormous it isn't measurable, God chooses to reach down and help us in our weakness. That's great news and one that we repeatedly need reminding of.

The Chosen

At the time we were watching the TV series The Chosen. It's a seven-season series about the life of Christ, and it's free. They've done the first two seasons and we've really enjoyed it so far. They don't pretend it is scripture, but they've tried to fill in some of the story around what we read in the gospels. It's so interesting to see what life then might have been like, to imagine what the disciples were like and how they experienced the journey with Jesus.

In one of the episodes, Peter comes to Jesus with ideas about creating some processes to smooth out the relationships between the disciples. Jesus said to him: Yes Peter, I can see you have leadership potential, but not now. Just wait. There will come a time" (my paraphrase). It was another way of saying "Be still". 

Waiting

Waiting is a meta-theme in the Bible. It comes up again and again, in individual lives, as well as in the wider context of the nation of Israel. So we shouldn't be surprised to find waiting is part of our every day experience of the Christian life either.

Here's a sample from the Bible:

"I say to myself, “The Lord is my portion; therefore I will wait for him” (Lamentations 3:10).

"I wait for the Lord, my whole being waits, and in his word I put my hope" (Psalm 130:5).

But if we hope for what we do not yet have, we wait for it patiently" (Romans 8:25).

"While we wait for the blessed hope—the appearing of the glory of our great God and Savior, Jesus Christ" (Titus 2:13).

Japanese has a brilliant phrase for this sort of waiting: machinozomu, which means "wait in eager expectation".

So, that was my ride-which-became-a-retreat. Remembering how God has called me to be still, even if everything around me is falling apart. And why can I be still in that context? Because he is God, he is much stronger, more wise and capable than I am. But also remembering that there is no magic solution that will appear at my whim, I have to wait. Because God is God and infinitely more wise than I am, what he's got in mind for my life I can't comprehend, nor can I bring it about—I must wait in hope. I must trust him.

Answers to my longing for connection

 I was "craving connection" a month ago when I wrote a blog post by the same name. Thankfully October has been a month of connection. Let me count the ways:

Our Saturday BBQ with friends

All-day hang out with friends one Saturday with deep conversation and good food.

The start of a short-term Bible study with three people I've met, but had varying levels of connection to previously. We've all gone deeper. And yes, this is online, but a group of four is much more manageable, and because we're meeting regularly, we're building momentum.

We travelled with colleagues in our van for an hour to an in-person mission meeting. Conversation wasn't light and they heard some of the low points of our year.

Twice in the last six weeks we've had a video call with a couple we were close to in our young adults years. The wife and I have remained close, but it's been harder for the guys. Our calls have been really good and we're committed to calling as a foursome more regularly now.

My usual once-a-month video call with my daily-friends (trio). We text pretty much daily, but in 2021 have made it a point to get together monthly. They're in Australia, so it's always a video call.

Two coffee dates with local expat friends. Oh, the delight!

The big change in October was that at the start of the month, the state of emergency we've been living under practically all year was lifted. So some of the above reflects that. 

I'm good at reflection, but also aware that the difficulties of "now" and "soon" can overshadow what I should be thankful for in the past. So today I choose to be thankful for these connections. God's been filling up my love tank with deep and meaningful connections with friends.

Imposter syndrome

Have you heard of this term? It's "the idea that you’ve only succeeded due to luck, and not because of your talent or qualifications—was first identified in 1978 by psychologists". (from https://time.com/5312483/how-to-deal-with-impostor-syndrome/)

It's something I struggle with a little, both professionally and personally. Though I've been editing and writing for over 10 years, I have no formal qualifications in either areas, and sometimes wonder "who am I to be making this decision". I've been asked to teach about writing on a few occasions and always wonder if I'm just "faking it".

I also feel like a bit of a fake as a missionary at times, especially when people in Australia assume that I'm a super evangelist or fluent in the language. When I'm with colleagues I feel like a fake because I am neither good at Japanese nor skilled in theology. Editing theological and deeply cultural articles I find really challenging.

A photo of me trying to "fake it" as a course
facilitator in January.

Though I've been a parent for over 22 years, I still wonder if I'm doing an okay job. This has been a tough parenting year and I admitted to a counsellor earlier in the year that I feared I was a failure as a parent. I've even had moments of feeling recently, that though I've been an adult for over 30 years, I don't feel up to the task at times.

I wouldn't classify myself as having significant self-esteem issues, nor am I especially a perfectionist. So I'm not sure why all the self-doubt. Maybe I'm just a realist and I understand my weaknesses all too well.

I went to a magazine editing course at the very start of my editing career. I remember these professional editors (think Christianity Today) saying something like editors know a little about a lot of things. And that's actually a pretty good description of me. Perhaps that's why I don't feel like an expert at anything?

However every now and then I'm surprised by my own competency. Like when I was interviewed by someone in our organisation a couple of months ago about the social media work I do with our mission. It was pretty apparent, even to me, that I knew a lot of stuff about it (an awful lot more than I knew five years ago). And early last year when I took some writers away for a retreat and offered one-on-one times for each one. They asked me hard questions about a whole range of writing matters and I actually came up with some answers that were maybe helpful.

Perhaps the older we get the more we feel like imposters because the more we realise how little we know? I look back at the "arrogance" of my youth, for example, as a new graduate at 21 years of age I was running an Occupational Therapy department that covered a large geographical area. I was the only member of the department, but still, that meant I had little supervision or people to ask advice from. It was a sign of the desperateness that they even employed me.

So, what am I to do with this? Perhaps remember who I am, first and foremost. My value is primarily as someone made in the image of God, and I can even claim that, as I am a child of God, I am loved by God. That's a pretty big claim and one that makes all the wondering if I'm a fake fade into the background. It doesn't matter, ultimately, whether I'm a fake or not. My value isn't in what I do, nor how well I do it. But my sieve-like mind has trouble retaining that and I need to remind myself often.

Managing my time

This is a lifelong challenge for most of us. I see my kids struggle with it, my friends and colleagues, and of course myself.

Coffee is one of my routines. I look
forward to coffee at about 9.30 and
3.30 each day. The other day I was
out at 3.30 and in a rush, so I bought
a coffee from a convenience store.
Not bad, either!

Last week a friend called me about our Saturday plans. She asked how I was and I told her I was in the midst of a crazy week where some bigger things had all landed on my desk at once. I had several Zoom meetings, for two of them I had to spend significant time preparing information to present. On top of that the prayer booklet that I've been working on was finally printed and there was a flurry of activity surrounding that, including a trip into town to sign thank you cards for contributors. In the same week we were doing final proofreading for the Winter issue of the magazine, something that only happens four times a year, but last week it collided with these other things.

My friend said, "Wow Wendy, that's quite a bit of juggling!"

I said, "I usually juggle quite a lot, and manage it fairly well, even enjoy it; but this week is a bit over the top." 

I have several job titles, including OMF Japan Social Media manager, Japan Harvest Managing Editor, and Website responder. Now added to that is Pre Home Assignment Workshop facilitator. Most of the time I love it. I love variety and hate boredom, this collection of jobs suits me well and most of time I can make them fit well with one another.

What do I use to keep me organised?

• Asana.com (see my post about that here). This keeps me on track with deadlines in my publishing work (I usually have dozens of deadlines  in any given month).
• A running list on my phone where I tick off (US=check off) the items as they're done through the day, this saves me when I remember I need to do something later and because I nearly always have my phone nearby, it's brilliant. I used to use PostIt notes, but they aren't nearly so convenient.
• A calendar next to my computer and one in my handbag. Yes, I'm a physical calendar kind of girl. Not so good for keeping track of Zoom meeting links, but I haven't had many of those to deal with on a regular basis.

This next list is not so much tools for time management, but more helping with organising multiple bits in projects: when it comes to organising publishing work, I use a variety of other tools, including: 

• Trello (a collaboration tool for organising projects, particularly useful for working in a remote team, we use it for social media planning)
• Google docs: sheets is a particularly helpful way to lay out content such as a publishing schedule or a list of articles for a magazine, in a way that is easy to understand and for others to access.
• Dropbox: I use this extensively when working with files that others need to access, such as other magazine team members.
• Social media scheduling tools (yes there are such things, and I only use them for work, not my personal account): Buffer, Hootsuite, and just today I'm starting to try out a new one called "Later". But I'm still searching for the "perfect" one, any suggestions welcome!

Yes, it's complicated, but I wouldn't be able to do these jobs efficiently without these tools to help me stay on top of things. These tools also help me to relax when I'm not working: I know that I don't have to hold everything in my head, that I'm probably not going to forget important things, because they are recorded in a place that will remind me.

Routines also help me, though my weeks aren't tightly scheduled because I dislike being over-regulated.

What do you use to help you stay organised? Everyone has different responsibilities and a different style. Mine certainly has changed over the years as my boys have needed me less. Different people tolerate different levels of disorganisation and some thrive on being last-minute people. Others, like me, like a certain level of unpredictability, but don't enjoy being panicked.

Fiddling at work

As a child I was overflowing with energy, ideas, and words. It drove my parents crazy at times. The energy has slowed over the years, but you can still see the restlessness in me if you look closely. I need to be physically comfortable and have a tendency to wriggle. I also fiddle. A lot. I do it in a way that most people don't notice: with a pencil, a seam on my clothes, a fold in a piece of paper. As I just re-read this paragraph, my left hand slipped off the keyboard and over to a nearby black pen and tried to balance it on its plastic clip.

My desk, with fiddle objects in plain sight.

I have never been one to tolerate long periods of sitting still, unless my attention is riveted on a book, the conversation, or the task that I'm doing, but even then I fiddle. I find it difficult to pay close attention to meetings that I don't have deep involvement in. I have been known to occasionally take cross-stitch to meetings.

On my desk are several things that I use for fiddling. Most are usual desk equipment, but one is a bit more unusual, my twelve-sided fidget toy. I've found it helpful this year during Zoom meetings when my fingers long to be busy and my attention is flagging. I believe it used to belong to one of my boys, who was given it during the "fidget spinner" craze a few years back.

I know I'm not the only one who fiddles. I am experienced at using small objects to help my boys in a quiet situation to settle or distract them from whatever is bothering them (yes, as teenagers). I carry a couple of small things in my handbag for just that purpose and have occasionally used them myself. There is even research out there about fiddling! In the process of writing this blog post I found a Youtube video rating various items people fiddle with in 2020 in the office.

Do you fiddle compulsively? What is your preferred go-to object?