Identity: shifting and changing

It's been a great joy to be able to come back to Australia this month and interact with our kids in a different way, to start laying different memories and also to see them coping with day-to-day life as independent adults (one of the long-term goals, in the end, of parenting). Next week we'll also spend a few days with our eldest son and his wife, and we're really looking forward to that too.

Throw back to me in Singapore:
discovering I could do
tourism in a foreign country
on my own.

On Sunday I was talking to someone about these last 12 months and realised that kids leaving home is part of an ever changing journey with our identity. My friend has been a grandma almost as long as I've been a mum and related a story from just the previous week about her journey as a grandma. Her youngest grandchild is 10 and my friend realised that this young lady doesn't need her grandma in the same way as she used to, this realisation made her sad. Her role is changing again. 

My role is changing too, the years of having kids under my roof all the time has gone and it's been time to think again about who am I in this new season.

Change in roles is disorientating. Change of a role as intimate and lengthy as a mother is potentially even more so. I am not only my children's mother, but being a mum 24/7 for so many years (nearly half my life) means that my identity has somewhat become entwined with my kids. I expect that that's similar for anyone who cares for someone long-term. 

Last year I was talking with a single lady in her 60s and blurted out something like, "It's not as if I wasn't a person before I had kids." She thought that was a preposterous statement, but was kind enough not to point out who I was talking to (a non-person, if having kids makes you a person!). But sometimes it does feel that way, because that's how intertwined in your children's lives you become while raising them, even when the relationship is fairly healthy.

While pondering this topic I found this interesting article called "When caring changes or ends". It covers things like the feelings you might have at such a juncture, also reflecting, adjusting to new routines, and being gentle with yourself. Helpful stuff, even if it isn't especially about kids leaving home!

I really didn't expect to still be adjusting to this, more than a year after our children left home, but it seems I am. It's a new season, but not as simple as just turning a page into a new chapter, the stuff that's gone before is not forgotten.

Eight years ago, a year before my first born left home, I wrote this in a blog post:

For a time you may feel as though you've lost touch with who you were. But in the end you'll discover that actually, your old self is being changed into something new. If you're a Christian you can be sure that God will use this experience to make you more like him, if you're willing. (from here)

It's a good reminder that it's just another segment of our journey, I've gone through many changes thus far in my life that have changed me, and there are more to come. I've been changed by the journey and I can embrace that.

Buzzing with exciting news

I'm still buzzing from the writing retreat, but more "buzz" was to come on Saturday. We've known for several weeks, but finally we were able to talk openly about our impending grandparent-hood! 

My kids were all born pre-social media, so I come from an era where people didn't do announcements like this. But how fun is this photo that I made?

I feel like life is shooting past faster than I can comprehend, though! Only two years ago I had a kid at school...and then I was adjusting to "open nesting" and then having a daughter-in-law and now a grandchild is on the way? 

Phew! It's a lot! But also a lot of joy. 

The only sad thing about it is that we live a long way away from the expectant couple and we don't have a huge budget. Decisions about our movements at Christmas time are now pending...

Change and farewells…again

On Thursday I said another farewell. This one was a bit smaller than many, but still another farewell that stacks on top of the dozens and dozens we’ve said over the years.

Here’s a glimpse into (mostly) just the last three months:

Just three months ago I met a short-term worker in the city to welcome her to Japan and to our social media team. She had a three-month visa, and we didn’t know if she’d stay only three months, or if she’d be able to stay longer. Turns out that three months was all we had her for, despite trying for a visa extension. She’s the first short-termer I’ve had the privilege of working so closely with, and it’s been an enjoyable experience. She’s the same age as our eldest son, which made me feel old, but her age and energy was very suited to this ministry (in which I often feel like a dinosaur). We talked for a couple of hours on Thursday about various things, including emotional stuff that she’s facing as she returns to the Philippines. I feel privileged to have been a small part of her life at this time and pray that God would continue to lead her for the future.

Rachel, the short-term worker who was here
for three months

Earlier last week I said farewell to another social media team member. I’ve worked with this colleague for about three years and it is sad to see her go, but it's also has been a pleasure to work alongside her and see her grow. I’m not sure if I’ll ever see either of these ladies again.

A couple of months ago one of my magazine team members told me that due to family reasons he would be leaving Japan in the middle of 2025. He’s only been with the team a couple of years and originally joined to fill some of the gaps I left to go on home assignment. We’ve worked quite closely on one portion of the magazine process in the last 10 months and I really have appreciated his industry knowledge (he used to work as a journalist). It was a shock to hear he was leaving, but I’m getting better at my poker face when I hear news like this. We’ve been praying for a replacement for him. Just the other day I had a conversation with another team member who’s thankfully willing to take this specialist role on for a while and also heard the same day of someone else who's been on the edge of our team for several years who might be willing to share that role. 

We also got a surprising email earlier in the week about one of the OMF Japan field leaders who’s been considered for an international leadership role, which is a vacancy we’d been praying someone would fill (but not someone from our backyard, please God!). If he gets accepted for this, then that will be another loss for OMF Japan leadership that needs filling. This is noteworthy, because our OMF Japan leadership team of seven people is already undergoing a lot of transition: two members have recently left (one of those is yet to be replaced), a third is about to leave next month, and a fourth is leaving this time next year. Most of these leaders are remaining in Japan, but have moved in different roles. One of the leaders I’ve worked with a lot over the last 15 years, but will hardly see when she returns in a couple of months because she's moving to a different part of Japan.

On New Year’s Eve we had dinner with another (non-OMF) couple we’ve known and appreciated for almost 20 years—they’re retiring to the US. 

Another couple we’ve spent a lot of time with are going on home assignment in the middle of this year and are unsure what their future holds as they both have elderly and needy mothers in the UK.

Another colleague I spoke with on Friday also is unsure about her future in Japan after home assignment next year.

Then on Saturday night we heard that a former colleague who's been struggling with cancer for many years passed away in Singapore. 

How well we know/knew each of these colleagues varies greatly, but when I stop and think about it, the number of farewells just keeps piling up, like a relentless drip, drip, drip of a tap that we can't turn off. I tend to push it down and away and try not to think about it too much, but it can be depressing. Being called to “stay” is not easy.

I was unable to finish this blog post when I started it on Friday, and so have spent some time thinking in the meantime. I discovered this article on Missio Nexus. It talks about the accumulated grief and ambiguous grief, especially in relation to missionaries. It's helpful to note that small griefs can build up if they aren't acknowledged, until they really are overwhelming. And in missionary life, ambiguous grief often gets swept under the carpet. It's expected that our lives will contain much that is now being recognised as loss, and not just "hard but normal". I'm glad to be able to speak up about these things. It's starting to become more of a conversation within missionary circles, but I'd like others to know about it too (hence what I said into a microphone in front of 200+ ladies in October 2023).

One thing that I know is important is recognising loss and naming it, so writing about it here is part of grieving these things. I'm tempted to compare, saying that the losses we experience are nothing like the loss of a child, or parent, or spouse. Yet apparently comparison is also unhelpful. I guess it encourages the impulse to not grieve these things and therefore contributing to accumulated grief, so I won't compare.

I was listening to the Bible on Friday and was up to the portion in Acts where Paul is heading back to Jerusalem where it is foretold that he might be killed. I realised that he said a lot of goodbyes in his ministry too. Acts 20 records a long farewell speech he made to the church’s leaders in Ephesus, including these sentences:

“‘Now I know that none of you among whom I have gone about preaching the kingdom will ever see me again.” (Acts 20:25 NIVUK)

“When Paul had finished speaking, he knelt down with all of them and prayed. They all wept as they embraced him and kissed him. What grieved them most was his statement that they would never see his face again. Then they accompanied him to the ship” (vv. 36-38).

Next verse:

 “After we had torn ourselves away from them, we put out to sea and sailed straight to Kos. The next day we went to Rhodes and from there to Patara” (21:1).

“After saying goodbye to each other, we went aboard the ship, and they returned home.” (21:6)

“Then Paul answered, ‘Why are you weeping and breaking my heart? I am ready not only to be bound, but also to die in Jerusalem for the name of the Lord Jesus’” (21:13).

This last verse shows his resolve, despite the pain it must have been causing him.

Ah, once again I find myself longing for heaven where we will have no more tears, no more farewells or uncertain futures. I need to go running back to all those verses about God being my strong tower, my rock, my firm foundation! And be like a tree planted by a stream with my roots deep in him so that my leaves do not wither (Psalm 1). And pray these verses for myself (and others like me who struggle with these constant goodbyes):

“I pray that out of his glorious riches he may strengthen you with power through his Spirit in your inner being, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the Lord’s holy people, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge – that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God” (Ephesians‬ ‭3‬:‭16‬-‭19‬).

Coming "home"

The day after our son's wedding we farewelled our two younger sons as they flew back to Brisbane and then worshipped with my parents and two close friends at the church of our son and new daughter-in-law. They, of course, weren't there. 

We briefly farewelled my parents after church. When I say bye to someone I often mentioned something about when I'll see them again; this time we were able to say: see you later this year. Our plan is to visit for a short time in south-east Queensland during July. Mum asked if we had dates and I laughed. Despite the blog post I'd shared the week before about looking forward to 2025, we'd barely thought beyond that weekend!

Home, with a new tablecloth!

Then had lunch with our friends and farewelled them. I wasn't ready for the farewells, but they happened anyway. We then gathered our stuff and left town, heading four hours north to Cairns. Australia is a huge place with long spaces inbetween many places (Tasmania being the exception to that). If you've been to our native land and haven't figured that out, then you haven't seen much of it! It was a tiring journey, but we listened to radio commentary of the Aussie women playing cricket against England. We cruised into a very quiet looking Cairns around dinner time, watched more cricket as we wound down in the evening, and crashed on the bed.

The next morning we were moving again: to the airport and back to a chilly Tokyo. The trickiest part was always going to be getting back home from the airport when we were so tired. We'd parked in long-term parking and once again cricket on the (internet) radio helped us on our journey! (Yes, we're cricket-mad, and not ashamed at all.) 

The most immediate culture shock we had was figuring out what speed to drive! Yep, we've driven for nearly 25 years in Japan and in 13 days forgot that most driving is slower in Japan than in Australia. Quickly sorted that and we were home in 1 ½ hours by about 8 pm. It felt odd, but also good to walk back into our apartment. It's at the same time still new-to-us and very home-like. We moved around like we were in a dream, reminding ourselves that the most urgent thing was being prepared for David to leave before 8 am the next morning (Tuesday) for work, and getting some sleep.

Some Christmas presents from our
sons that we received before
the wedding.

I predicted that it would take several days to get back into the groove, and that is exactly what happened. By Saturday we were exhausted and very thankful for a quiet day with nothing at all on the schedule.

Now those 13 days in Australia seem like a dream, except that every now and then there are reminders from our time there: like photos, messages from our new daughter-in-law, and things that we brought back with us. As usual, things have moved on in our absence, so it has been a delight to have a few friends here demanding to see photos from our time away!

So, we're going through the motions, but sometimes my thoughts and soul are still catching up with where my physical body is. It remains true that the last 12 months have contained much change for us, and I think I'm still finding my feet in this new phase of life. Please pray that I'll be patient with myself and people around me as I walk through this.

Letting go makes room for new opportunities

I was chatting to a colleague the other day on a Zoom call. He noticed the piles of boxes behind me and asked about them, a little concerned that we still hadn't finished unpacking. I assured him that that wasn't the case and that these boxes were destined for the school's secondhand sale that was happening the next week. He knew about our quest to sell our oven, washing machine, and fridge, and commented that there was a significant theme in our lives recently: letting go.

It's true. We've had to let a lot of things go. In the last 18 months we've literally downsized from a three-bedroom house equipped for a five-person household, to an apartment equipped for two people. We've also moved countries twice in the last 16 months. Our move out of Australia included letting go of a number of things, as we also downsized there. When our two younger sons moved out in February we gave them a number of things that would be useful to them, but no longer useful to us. When we packed up in July this year we had to put away things that we enjoy, but can't take to Japan, and now might not see for a decade or more. Most of that stuff hasn't been hard to let go of. I think the hardest was the oven. Much of the rest of it was old and well-used, or had passed its "useful to us" date.

We had to say goodbye to two houses. One of which we'd lived in for 13 years and contained many memories—though we were happy to leave it in many ways as it was hard to heat and cool, and broken in various ways. The other one we only lived in for 12 months, but we were very fond of (we especially loved the deck).

Saying goodbye to stuff, though, has an upside: you get to say yes to other things. Like less stuff to look after. We're now able to live in a small apartment that requires less up-keep and takes a fraction of the time to clean and a fraction of the budget to heat and cool. And we now have a cute car that is easier to manoeuvre in the narrow streets of Japan.

Moving between countries means letting go of relationships too. Not as in ending relationships (at least not the closer friendships), but letting go of the intimacy that you get from attending the same church, living in the same community, or living only a few hours drive away. This has been an ongoing theme of our lives, ever since we first moved to Japan in 2000. This time we also had to let go of hosting our sons in person on Sunday afternoons/evenings.

I'm trying to grow lettuce from seed 
for the first time. I think I might have
sown too many seeds!

Other things we haven't so much "let go", but they've changed nonetheless. We're no longer a parents at school or at any sporting event. I'm no longer cooking or shopping for large appetites. But that's getting to be "old news" now, though my soul is still adjusting to it. Christmas is becoming imminent and we're aware that this will be the first time in 25 years that we've celebrated that day without any of our kids, and only the second time in 50+ years that we've celebrated without any family at all (aside from each other)...but again I mentioned that last time I wrote here.

It has been a season of letting go: it's worth continuing to acknowledge that. But also remember that letting go allows new things to happen, like the adventure we took last week to watch wheelchair rugby. We're embarking on a new adventure on Sundays too: a new church. If I look back at the four months since we arrived back in Japan, I can see evidence of all sorts of small opportunities we've been able to take up that were largely absent during the previous years of busy parenting. Only God knows where this new season post-"letting go" will take us.

It's been a lot of change!

A week and a half ago I came down with a cold that David had already had for a week. We’re both still recovering, though each day our symptoms are receding further. We both have chronic asthma that is well controlled, but at times like these, it's in our face and limiting our capacity; both of us have lingering coughs. I went to the doctor last week to get my regular asthma meds and he thought I had sinusitis too, so fun times and lots of tissues. 

A friend captured the proposal
from a distance (only our son
knew the photographer was there)

Last weekend I had very limited energy, but nonetheless we had an exciting weekend: on the Saturday (24th) our eldest son asked his girlfriend to marry him and she said yes! So we’ve been digesting that news and gradually telling people. I started this blog in 2010 when he was only 10 years old. It’s hard to believe that we’re now already at another new stage of parenting: getting ready to welcome in a daughter-in-law! (And we’re only just starting to get used to having no kids at home in Japan.) Of course, we’re not in the same country as them, so we’re now planning a trip to Australia in January to help them celebrate their wedding. 

Every now and then I'm amazed at how much change has gone on in these last few months:

• our younger two sons moved out and that has precipitated many big and small changes that we're still adjusting to
• we moved countries, again
• we moved to Japan without children for the first time (and yes, this warrants its own bullet point)
• after a year of both of us based at home and not working regular hours, David's working outside the home again, 8–5 Monday to Friday, and I'm at my desk at home for many of those hours too
• we've downsized into a small apartment and small car
• I'm learning to cook again in a smaller kitchen with a smaller space for storing ingredients
• our eldest son has made a lot of changes in his life in the last couple of months, and believe it or not that is taking a bit to adjust to in our thinking
• our middle son, who has been unemployed since leaving school in June 2021, has a job, a licence, and a car, and continues to surprise us as to what he's able to achieve
• we are adjusting to the idea of having a future daughter-in-law whose name we know!
• we're planning an unexpected short trip to Australia for a wedding in January.

There are a few other things, including changes in the two teams I work with in Japan, but I'll leave the list as it is.

That list makes me feel tired! It partly explains why we got sick and it's taken so long to recover. It helps me to remember to be gracious to myself when I'm feeling wobbly or weak, and that transition of this magnitude takes time to recover from.

But aside from that, there is so much to be thankful for in the above list and we're amazed at God's provision, his leading, and his care for us and our children.

Changing gears: revving up for more transition

It's been more than a week since I finished blogging about our road trip. It truly is time to get back on the horse and return this blog to it's original purpose: to write about "ordinary" life as an Australian Christian who's worked as a missionary in Japan for much of the last 25 years. But I guess our travel was "ordinary life" for us for two months, so it wasn't too off base!

But, in the last week we've definitely had a return to the more usual life of a missionary on home assignment.

I've been enjoying our deck
once more!

What have we done? Last Saturday morning we spoke at a meeting of people who pray for OMF's work in East Asia. David preached at our home church on Sunday. We've been involved in various other (home) church-based activities this week too. I wrote a prayer letter and sent it out. We had a debriefing with our state OMF director. 

But the big news is that we've booked our tickets back to Japan—for the 22nd July. As a result we've been communicating with people in Australia and Japan as we work on putting details into place around that transition. There's no letting grass grow under our feet! Here's what we know:

6 July: Open house here (drop me a line if you'd like to come)

15 July We'll stop living in our house in Ipswich and spend that week moving and cleaning.

19th we'll fly to Melbourne for a wedding and fly back on the 21st.

22nd we'll fly to Tokyo.

23rd or 24th we'll move into our new apartment not far from our previous house (we even got to go inside this apartment last year before we left).

Early August we'll start taking back various responsibilities we handed to others before we left.

As you might imagine my emotions are up and down, as is typical in the midst of transition, and in reality we haven't really made it out of transition since it began early last year. I'm longing for it all to be over, but I know that will also mean that I've said goodbye to Australia and all our Australian-resident family and friends once again.

Long service leave was delightful. It was the mental break that we needed after several very stressful years. But it's hard to let go of the leisure and get back to harder things that our own pleasure! There's also a growing urgency around people to catch up with and things we want to do before we go back to Japan for another year.

It helps to remind myself of the why of what we do. Most Japanese (we're talking over 90%) have never heard the gospel, the good news that we can have eternal security with God, that Jesus came to save us from a life that's full of strife and pain, to give us hope for the future. That he freely offers us his love, the indescribably precious gift of a personal relationship with him that is completely unconditional. That is why I do what I do.

Looking back at 2023

Ever since I stared writing here in 2009, I’ve been using this blog to reflect on the year just lived. For the last five years I’ve been using the same set of questions. These questions push me past the surface reflections, so they aren’t easy, but it’s a good exercise that I enjoy. They aren’t about what I’ve achieved in the year. I hope they might be a springboard for you to think about your own year too.

Christmas Day on the beach 2023

1. What makes this year unforgettable?

Some big changes this year for us mean this year will be a noteworthy year for the rest of our lives: 

• Our youngest son finished high school, that’s a huge milestone for our family after 20 years of children at school.
• We moved out of the house we’ve spent the most time in for our whole marriage, the house that our youngest son started kindergarten from.
• It wasn’t just a simple move, this move included downsizing and storing stuff for our year away from Japan.
• The move also marked the end of our younger two sons’ time in Japan. In July they moved to Australia with the intent of staying here, at least in the medium term, which is a huge change, considering one of them was born in Japan and the other moved there when he was less than three months old.

2. What did I enjoy doing this year?

We have just celebrated Christmas with both our birth families. It’s really different doing this with older kids, it was much calmer and more enjoyable than in times past.

It’s been enjoyable seeing our three sons, who are now all 18 and over, getting to know one another as adults. Being together in the same region for several months has been wonderful. Parenting is hard work and long work—it’s very satisfying seeing some reward for all the years of effort you’ve put into them as you watch them gain confidence and skills as they grow much more independent.

It’s been enjoyable spending more time with David these last few months. We’ve enjoyed lunches and occasionally other meals on our front deck in Ipswich (a beautiful view). Three weeks Perth without children was an interesting adventure that involved both work and play. It was fun to see glimpses of what’s not very far in our future, but that is really next week’s blog post.

I enjoyed watching my youngest son as he powered his way through the school’s wrestling season undefeated. After many years of injury interrupting his participation in this sport, I really didn’t expect him to do it at all, and then to achieve as well as he did was very satisfying. He went on from there to do really well in shot put and discus in the track and field season too. 

Going to two women’s retreats—one in March in Japan and one in October in Australia—with close friends was definitely enjoyable.

3. What/who is one thing/person I'm grateful for?

Of course I can’t limit it to just one person or thing. I’m grateful to a handful of precious friends who’ve walked alongside me this year. It’s not been an easy year and I’ve leaned on friends, not to mentioned David, heavily to stay afloat.

4. What did I read/watch/listen to that made the most impact this year?

I’ve read more than 100 books again this year, more in the second half of the year than the first. Undeceptions podcast continues to be a thought-provoking listen, though I haven’t listened to as much of that in the second half of the year with less alone time than I usually get in Japan.

Here are some of the books that made an impact

Trusting God by Jerry Bridges

Being Mortal by Atul Gawande

Sacred Siblings by Sue Eenigenberg and Suzy Grumelot

When God Doesn’t Answer Your Prayer by Jerry Sittser

5. What did I worry about most and how did it turn out?

There were many things that I worried about this year, including who to hand my work over to so we could leave Japan for a year and how we would find somewhere to live in Australia (the latter being a big concern because everywhere we turned people were telling us of horror stories about the rental crisis in Australia).

I split my jobs into multiple parts and handed them over in late May and early June. That part worked so well that I ended up with extra time to do preparation for work in Australia that I hadn’t planned for. Both of the publishing projects I managed (Japan Harvest magazine and OMF Japan’s social media) have continued onwards, so I guess I did okay in handing them over. But I know it wasn’t easy for those who have taken extra things on in my absence. It helped to remember that we had important work to do in Australia, even if I didn’t really want to make the effort to get there.

Our accommodation story is a lot easier to tell. We got a house really quickly, with the on-the-ground assistance of a lady from our home church who we’d never met in person. It’s been a really good find, with very little we can fault. Great landlords; beautiful, convenient location; and functionally just right. We also have all the furniture we need, including a large TV and fabulous fridge.

6. What is my biggest regret?

This is always a hard question. I think I regret all the time I spent worrying about the future. It’s a bad habit that is hard to break, and even now I’m struggling not to worry about the first half of 2024.

7. What's something that has changed about me?

I’m no longer the parent of a school-aged kid. I’m also no longer in my 40s. I’m also on the verge of having all my kids move out of home.

I feel more and more that I am a writer and editor and more often when pressed will describe myself as such these days.

8. What surprised me most this year?

Probably my answer to #5 covers a good portion of this. 

But in addition, I’ve been surprised this last week. I’ve been surprised by how “adult” all my boys have been. In the middle of last year we did a similar “tour” without the Christmas celebrations and extra family time thrown in, and it was much harder. They’ve all grown in maturity, which is a great joy to see in what amounts to a stressful situation (travel, sharing rooms, lots of people, many unspoken expectations, lack of routine etc.). Over the years of raising our kids, visiting family in Australia has always been stressful for a few reasons: they’ve rarely seen their Australian relatives, it always involves significant travel, they aren’t in their own environment and Australia was never really “home”, and they were energetic boys (the first grandsons on both sides). Maturity has helped a lot and that meant that this time around I didn’t have to spend much time at all being their advocates or working to keep the peace.

The other big surprise was quickly finding a government-funded program that accepted our neurodiverse son which has helped him do employment readiness and help him find a job (the end of that story is yet to be written, but we’re hopeful).

9. What Bible truths impacted me this year?

In the latter half of the year, reading Trusting God has been significant. I dipped my toe in with some ladies from church in a Bible study (when I could get there), then read it from front to back on my own. The book takes you back to basics about God’s sovereignty and love, and confronts you about how you live in light of these truths.

10. What meta-themes have I thought about this year? (in no particular order)

• Transition
• Aging
• Women and their roles (especially within Christian circles) and non-romantic relationships between Christians (see Sacred Siblings book).
• Whether God’s leading us to stay in Japan after 2023 (we think he is).
• Life with grown kids who don’t live at home anymore.
• Disability support in Australia.
• Downsizing.
• How Japan Harvest is produced and how that can be done with me less involved.

Highlights

• Our youngest finishing high school, especially his athletic achievements, but also seeing his persistence in working hard academically and the great friendships he had the privilege to be part of.
• All-Japan OMF conference in June was both exhausting and wonderful.
• Writing a series of six articles about the process of preparing for and going on home assignment for the US branch of our organisation, and also recording a discussion with a colleague about the same topic. All of this was published mid-year online.
• Being able to watch a lot of cricket, especially watching Australia unexpectedly win the semi-final and final of the one day international cricket World Cup (which involved staying up way past my usual bedtime twice in one week). Making it to two cricket matches in-person.
• Going to a symphony orchestra performance in person for my birthday.
• Visiting Rottnest Island in WA.
• Speaking at a women’s conference and “losing it” onstage as I tried to speak briefly about the long-term griefs that cross-cultural workers encounter. I put this as a highlight because, while it was very hard to do, it was true to myself and my desire to show others how ordinary missionaries are. But the other reason it’s a highlight is that the response was overwhelming, in a positive way. I had many conversations afterwards with women who understood (and were glad to hear someone tell this unspoken story), had their eyes opened, or who wanted to learn more.
• I think my blog post that got the most attention this year was “Neurodivergence and missionary families”. Maybe this doesn’t belong as a “highlight”?
• Camping in late March was lovely, unfortunately we’ve not be able to manage any other camping trips in 2023.

Lowlights

• Moving—I really don’t like moving, never have. And the anticipation of moving is almost as bad as the move itself.
• Watching our sons pack up their lives in the place they’ve grown up and say goodbye to friends and Japan.
• Walking alongside our son as he negotiated medical and other difficulties, and then trying to figure out how to help him start to forge a life in Australia.
• Exhaustion. We’ve been able to really slow down in the last couple of months of the year and have realised how much toll the past few years have taken on us (obviously culminating in a huge, stressful transition). It’s been hard to have less structure and purpose in our days, but also to realise that our energy levels weren’t what we were used to either.

Other thoughts

This category is for other things that don’t really fit anywhere else…

This year I was invited to join a couple of groups of women who are all mums of kids with various types of disability. Most of them live in Japan (or have spent significant time there) and many of them are expats. One group is mostly Christians and the other is not. I’ve only met them a handful of times, but the depth of connection is quite remarkable. I wrote a bit about this under the subheading “Being heard” in this blog post in February.

Ultimately, I’m glad 2023 is over. It contained big highlights, but also big milestones and a lot of hard work and exhaustion. It’s encouraging to look back and see how God has sustained us and provided for us through it all.

In the second blog post I wrote this year I quoted Psalm 103, and I think it’s a good place to finish. Here is some of what I wrote in January:

“There are lots of nuggets in [Psalm 103] to ponder. Just now I'm leaning into these phrases: "Your youth is renewed like the eagle’s" (v. 5 NIV) and "As a father has compassion on his children, so the Lord has compassion on those who fear him; for he knows how we are formed, he remembers that we are dust. The life of mortals is like grass, they flourish like a flower of the field; the wind blows over it and it is gone, and its place remembers it no more" (vv. 13–16).

Different ways of working

For the last three weeks, I’ve had Tuesday morning free to go to our local library and write. This last week was different. We spoke at a growth group from a supporting church (the same church we spent Sunday at, teaching in the Sunday school, being interviewed up front by the pastor, and talking to people before and after the service). It’s a more immersive approach to reporting back to a church that we’re thoroughly enjoying. And it’s made possible by having no school-pickups or needing childcare.

That same evening we went to another growth group from the same church, the first time we’ve worked in the evening like this for a long time. We’re far more used to working during the day and relaxing at night, and neither of us are night owls. It took a long time for me to chill out enough to sleep Tuesday night, and a while to get moving on Wednesday. 

In fact on Wednesday, an admin and preparation day, it was really hard to concentrate and check things off the list of things we had to do. Neither of us are used to working in pairs for planning and executing plans. Both of us usually work on our own for the “thinking” parts of our jobs. It’s not that we mind working together, and in fact we complement each other quite well, but it’s another adjustment, quite a large one.

We had another big day on Thursday: several hours of talking with people at a theological college in the morning, time spent with a couple of different professionals in the afternoon dealing with family matters, plus over three hours of city driving. It was tiring. And then when we got home we had

We got the crowd at the theology college
discussing tricky questions.

to finish packing for our 18-day ministry trip to Perth (west coast).

On Friday we dragged ourselves out of bed with the sun and made it to the airport with time to spare, but not really on top of our game. The flight was good—on time and fairly smooth—but we happened to have seats amidst a group of very verbose older folk. Two of the ladies rarely stopped talking during the six-hour flight. It was wearing.

Now we’ve got mild jet lag, Ironic, really, that we can get that here, with a domestic flight, but not really when flying to Japan (one hour difference between Qld and Japan, two hours difference between Qld and Western Australia). I was awake before 5 am this morning, despite my fatigue. But, it’s mild and will resolve quickly. I can’t fathom what many of my international friends cope with, flying across multiple time zones!

The plan for our time in Perth is to visit supporting churches, individual supporters, and also to connect with the OMF network over here. It’s looking different to what we expected it might, but in a few ways that’s really good—when our expectations are foiled, we have to depend on God more, and seek what his plans are.

This is our first multiple-day ministry trip away from home without children. And the first time we’ve ever been away from our guys for more than five days. It’s different for us all, and will require some time to adjust to.

In addition to meetings, we’re planning some relaxing time. This is a beautiful part of the world that not so many people are privileged to see (many Australians never get over to the west coast), it’s always a special treat to be able to come here. One day we’ll plan it that we can get out of this small built-up part of the state and see some other parts of this massive state (the second largest in the world, Texas is only 26th on that list).

We’re missing our usual jobs and ways of working. Gracious, I’m even missing my newly formed Tuesday morning writing habit! But for now we need to be patient with ourselves and each other as we learn new rhythms of life and work for this season.

Emotional roller coaster—April 2023 edition

This morning, my Facebook memories reminded me of the last time we moved out of a house in Japan to go on home assignment. I wrote this just a few weeks after starting my blog in 2009: Thoughts on packing up to go . . . 9 weeks out

A lot of that sounds very familiar. What's changed? 

Emotions can be like the sight of this
bridge: there's lots of things here
warning me not to attempt going across
it. Approaching home assignment
is a little like approaching a bridge
like this—it looks pretty scary and
full of danger. 

1. My boys are 14 years older, and there're only two of them here. 

2. CAJ's Thrift Shop is no more. 

3. There's still a lot of sorting to do, mostly because we're seriously downsizing this time, however, we can't complete downsizing while we're still living here and I'm still cooking meals for the equivalent of five or six people.

4. I probably don't live as close to the line on exhaustion as I did in 2009! Mostly due to #1.

What hasn't changed?

1. I'm still experiencing those emotions. I'm still not sure about the Right Time to do everything that needs to be done. I'm still concerned (maybe even anxious) about how it will all pan out.

2. God hasn't changed. He walked with us through this last time and we survived, however ragged!

Big transition like this is an emotional rollercoaster that I hate. And apparently, I always have. 

I grew up in a very stable family. We moved once during my school years: when I was 15, and that was just to a neighbouring suburb. I went to two schools, and that was because one was a primary school only and the other was a high school only. I didn't have any experience of a really big transition until I left home at 17 to go to university. My parents are still married and have only recently moved out of the home we moved into when I was 15. They still live in the same town.

But boy, have I had some whoppers since I left home. Nothing prepares you for changing countries. One would think that that, having lived overseas for 22 years now, and having "moved" to Australia four times in there for home assignments, I'd have it figured out. Nope!

Oh, I know the stuff that needs to be done. I'm not a newbie at any of that. But emotionally, and physically, it's still a stretch. And I'm not holding out high hopes either, having seen many missionaries retire from the field after 30+ years of service: all of them are stressed about the transition.

However, as I look back at this post I wrote two months ago, I'm also pleased to see that we've already made many decisions that answer many of the questions I listed in that post. That's maybe why I'm feeling like every night when David comes home, I'm asking his opinion on one decision or another that has come up during the day. It seems relentless! But I am thankful that we're making progress, even if it doesn't feel like it as we continue to be loaded with more decisions to make.

We've got many dates in the schedule up for several months now: moving dates, flying dates, accommodation dates, even when we stop work here and when we start in Australia. Our first two months of work in Australia are filling up. I was talking to two of my best friends on Monday and we're thinking about the three of us doing a retreat somewhere . . . however, my schedule is planned way in advance of what they're able to think about at present. So we shelved that conversation for now!

But back to our weekend. On Saturday we spent all day at another track meet. Our second-last one (and the last one on a weekend). It was good to see our son performing well again. He broke his personal best in discus by 3 metres, a long way! And less than 2 metres behind the winner, his good friend and teammate. He didn't throw a personal best in shot put, but no one threw further than he did. 

The weather was a distinct player on Saturday. We always keep a close eye on the forecast before these events, because the weather is so variable at this time of year. As it was, the night before was quite warm and so when I walked to school at 7.45, I carried my jacket. The forecast was 18C. But, by lunchtime we could feel the temperature dropping and I was soon wearing that jacket. In the morning I put on thin, long socks, but had scrunched them down around my ankles. Around 2 pm I pulled them up to my knees, then a little while later I did the challenging work of putting leggings on under my tracksuit pants in the school toilets (never my favourite place to change). By 3.30 it was raining, on and off, and David and I headed for the shelter of the school bus, really thankful that our son had already completed all his events. Finally, not long before we headed home at 5pm, I put an extra pair of socks on too. 

On Sunday we went to see an apartment that might be available to us next year. It was beautiful, but also shocking. I really hope that this will work out, but it depends on a few factors outside our control. It was shocking because the reality of how much downsizing we'll have to do to fit ourselves into an apartment was evident. 

So I've had this emotional roller coaster running this week: really wanting to jump straight to the point where we move into this new place, skipping all the hard work that going to Australia will mean, but also knowing that isn't possible. Chomping at the bit to get rid of more stuff at home as soon as possible, but I also know that isn't possible, at least for most things (that hasn't stopped me from throwing some books and papers out and selling an ice cream maker).

With all that happening, I started work on Monday and realised I needed to rev up the editing engine and tackle the next stage of the next issue, all while feeling tired after a busy weekend. That pre-HA emotional roller coaster mixed with fatigue and a large list of things to do at work:  it was not a great combo!

Thankfully it's been a week without any meetings or other reasons to have to leave my desk. That meant that by today I'm feeling like I'm currently on top of things (which is part of the emotional rollercoaster, albeit a better-feeling part).

What I need to do, in the midst of riding this uncomfortable roller coaster is to keep going back to some metaphors we find in the Bible:

1. God knows we are but dust (Psalm 103).

2. And he is our rock, our refuge, our hiding place, our shield, salvation, stronghold, fortress, our strength, our rescuer, and our deliverer (Psalm 18).

If I am able to remember these things as I approach the "scary bridge" of home assignment, I'm probably going to manage everything a whole lot better! The challenge is remembering them when I'm feeling all over the place. I'm so thankful that there are a whole lot of people out there praying for us as we do this.

Pondering COVID's impact on life and ministry

One of my jobs with our mission's social media is to come up with media posts, especially the text-parts. That sounds easier than it sometimes is. Our goal is to raise awareness of the need of the gospel in Japan and getting people more involved, which is a bit different to how most of us use our personal social media accounts. I guess it's a close relative to "marketing".

We use a monthly theme to help fuel our creativity. Some themes are easier than others. Next month's theme is "How COVID has impacted life and ministry in Japan". That sounds like a good theme . . . but how did we find engaging content for that? 

Our team met early last week and brainstormed. One of my ideas was to do a short survey of our missionaries. But putting feet on that is harder than I thought. This afternoon I found some space to think about what I'd actually ask people. I shifted some ideas into a draft survey format, and then I have moved away to other things (like this). 

That is my usual way of operating with creative things: it's how I write, and edit, as well as work on tasks like this. Letting an idea drift around in my brain while I do other things is a brilliant way to find my way forward. I hate it when someone asks me to do "live editing" at a meeting. I prefer to read something and let it sit for a while before I do anything with it, and even when I do start to work on it, I want to do it without an audience, I want to play around with ideas in my head (and on the screen) before I decide anything. Actually, it's how I do shopping too. I hate shopping with (most) other people, I need space to think about options and decisions.

But anyway, what do I ask missionaries about how COVID has impacted their life and ministry?

My own ministry hasn't been majorly impacted by COVID. I worked from home and online for years before everyone else was doing it. The biggest impacts COVID had were more personal things like the inability to travel to see family in Australia (and them unable to come here) and watching my boys suffer as they lost opportunities and had to deal with online classes. 

Wearing masks hasn't been my favourite thing, but I've been able to avoid much of that as I work at home. 

Emotional distress probably rates fairly highly too. We've just passed the two-year anniversary since one of our young friends lost her battle with depression and died by suicide. We've had our own mental health battle in our own household during the pandemic and because I was isolated from good person-to-person contact with people for months at a time, I've found it difficult at times to find ways to interact with others and know how to talk about my own struggles. I wonder if I've gotten worse at "small talk".

Life is getting back close to normal now, though attendance in-person at our church is still lower than it was pre-pandemic. And we are still wearing masks indoors and in crowded public spaces in Japan. There is talk that next month the government recommendation for wearing masks will be lifted, but we wonder what that will look like. Life in Japan is very influenced by not causing discomfort for other people, and will not wearing masks create problems?

I can identify some positives that came about due to COVID: regular walking and talking with David. And the acquisition of a stand mixer (given it by a missionary who had to leave). Also, the increased tendency of people to have some meetings online and thus meaning less time is taken up with travel, even some opportunities to meet online with folk who we'd never otherwise have done so because we all live so far from one another.

But back to my question: What would you like to know about how COVID has impacted life and ministry for missionaries? If you are a missionary, what would you like others to know?

Too much

This week has definitely shot back to the unavoidable reality that we are moving out of our house and actually out of the country (and jobs, even if temporarily) in just five months. That takes a fair bit of planning and decision-making on top of our regular work. We're starting to feel the strain already.

Downtown on Tuesday I had a team
meeting in a cafe off this atrium with an
impressive ceiling.

I sat down with a friend/colleague on Tuesday and she asked me lots of questions like:

• when will you finish your Japan work
• who will take over the work that you're doing now
• what do you have between now and then, what's important and what can be left
• when will you move out of your house
• where will you stay before you fly
• when will you fly
• where will you live in Australia
• when will you begin doing deputation
• who can help you find accommodation and transport in Australia
• when will you take holidays

Phew...it's a lot. And there are a lot of decisions within the above decisions. For example, moving out involves thousands of decisions. This decision tree illustrates that.

Did I mention that we're still doing all our current work? This week that's included working on a particularly intense phase of two magazine issues, as well as the regular social media work I do for OMF. I know of at least two people who have been slightly frustrated with me (at work) for various reasons this week, something I hate, but have to acknowledge that I'm not perfect and that my work is likely to suffer at times like this. I'm thankful that we're just about to head into a weekend and can take a break. Also, that the school now has a four-day weekend (called "Winter Break"), so I can get a bit more sleep in the next few days, which I'm sure will help.

But what is probably good to do at the end of this busy, working week is to look back at Psalm 103, like I did in early January. God's love and compassion for us is great (verses 11, 13, 14, 17). And it's not dependent on how much we do, or how good we are.

And be reminded of these timeless words from Romans:

 Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall trouble or hardship or persecution or famine or nakedness or danger or sword?  No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us.  For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers,  neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord (Rom. 8:35, 37–39 NIV).

Trying to feel fully settled again

A cross-cultural friend I know in Japan asked me this week: "Do you feel fully settled back in at home?"

The last "nature" I soaked up in Australia 
before we flew back earlier this month.

My answer: Yes, and no. 

Yes, I'm doing all the things I usually do when I'm here, and it feels fairly normal. I'm even baking!

But no, my head still feels a little like it hasn't quite turned the page. Being in Australia was good, but it was unsettling. It stirred up longings to be with friends there, and for things that are so easy to do there, but a little bit harder here. That is, I'm a little bit homesick. I'm also still processing the various things that happened there, which is also a bit unsettling. But I'm continuing to go through the motions and hopefully my mind will catch up soon.

Also "no" because I've arrived in the middle of things. The school year has already started for my husband, and youngest son. 

Plus it's our son's last school year. Therefore our last year with a child at school! I'm terrible at not thinking ahead on these things (I spent a long time anticipating him starting school, kicking off my "all the kids at school" phase after ten years of having little kids at home all day, every day.) 

This is even more momentous because this is not just the end of being school-parents, but also the end of life in Japan with kids in our home. We're going on home assignment in late July next year for twelve months. Prior to that we will move out of the house we've lived in since our youngest started school in 2010. We will be downsizing significantly because when/if we come back to Japan, it will be without offspring. We will be empty nesters and will move into a smaller apartment.

That's a lot of big change, and it's on my mind, and unlikely to completely disappear out of my consciousness as we walk through a lot of "lasts" in the next year. So, I may not completely settle down for many months, even though my suitcase is completely unpacked and put away.

But again, what can I do? I will walk through the daily and weekly routines, trying to ground myself in the now and be as settled and present as I can.

How can God help me with this? Here are some thoughts from this blog post.

1. Take time to focus on God. "Fix your eyes on Jesus" (Heb. 3:1) and "set our minds on things above" (Col. 3:2).

2. Be content. Paul tells us he learned to be content (Phil. 4:11). I'm still learning this, but I think part of it is taking the time to be thankful, and telling God (1 Thess. 5:18).

3. Continuing to be prayerful. Starting every day with prayer, and turning to God in prayer more regularly through the day (Col. 4:2).

4. Remember God's exhortations to be strong and courageous (e.g. Joshua 1:9).

5. Think about others, don't get wrapped up in myself. Love others! (1 Cor. 16:14)

6. Trust God with the future (Psalm 25:1).

I'm preaching to myself!

What do you struggle with when you're facing big change that you know is coming?

This week's travel story

Who can resist a good travel story? It's a common topic of conversation between those of us who live and work overseas. 

Like the time I got food poisoning in Manila and then the next day, on my way back to Brisbane got stuck for many hours on a plane on the tarmac, and then had to disembark and was stuck so long in the boarding lounge that we witnessed the crew go home! We ended up flying, but arriving in Hong Kong too late to catch the connecting flight to Brisbane, so got a free 24 hours in their fancy airport hotel. But still sick enough to not really enjoy the free food vouchers we also got.

Well, I've got myself a new travel story, in fact it's not over yet.

I find myself in a weird between-world just now. I feel a little bit transparent, in fact. It's a strange place. We were supposed to fly to Tokyo yesterday morning. But, like all the other flights we've booked on this trip, it was cancelled. Thankfully we were able to rebook pretty quickly. But the timing of discovering the flight was cancelled meant that we'd already said goodbye to everyone and were literally on our way to the airport. As we're flying from a nearby city, and we'd decided to minimise the pre-flight travel (and stress) by booking a hotel next to the airport. So Wednesday looked like this:

2 a.m. I woke up and my mind started roaming through all the logistics of the coming 30 hours. I think I drifted back to sleep sometime before the sun came up, but I'm not sure.

7 a.m. David and I had, what has become (during August) our regular morning video call and Bible reading/prayer time.

Sometime after 8 I had breakfast and chatted to my friend/host.

Sometime after that I spent an hour or so organising and packing my luggage, so that I'd had minimal unpacking at the hotel that night and had sorted my carry-on luggage for the next day.

Around 10.30 I lay down with a book and forced myself to be still for an hour.

11.30 I got up, packed the clothes that had been drying on the line in my luggage and went upstairs to make some lunch and chat with my friend and her daughter.

12.30 I put my two suitcases, backpack, and small travel shoulder bag in the car. Hugged my friend and her daughter goodbye. And left.

1.00 I pulled into where my middle son had been staying with his brother over the last 10 days. Sorted out final packing questions with them. Said goodbye to the house cat. Heard a few stories. And sadly said goodbye to our eldest son.

2.00 Drove to the other side of town to drop off our borrowed vehicle to its owners, who drove us to their nearest train station.

3.07 Hopped on the first of two trains (plus a bus) that would get us to the hotel.

3.30ish Hopped off the first train and struggled to figure out which platform the next train would be arriving on. Went up and down in the lift a couple of times! Finally got on the right train. I would not like to have mobility issues and be using Brisbane trains. We struggled to find easy ways to get our heavy suitcases up and over the train lines, and train platforms are, in many places, a big step down from the train.

3.49 These Brisbane trains don't have room for large suitcases. The seats are mostly facing towards the front or back of the train. I was squished into a seat beside a lady, with one of my suitcases where my knees should be and backpack balanced on top. I got a text from my husband: "Flight is cancelled"!!!!

Then ensued a lot of texting: back and forth with my husband as he sought to book another flight. Then quickly texted the lady in Wynnum who we'd only just said goodbye to (owner of car), asking if she could possibly host us again for three or four nights (she said yes). Checked to see if we could get from Wynnum to the Gold Coast airport by 7.30 a.m. via public transport on a Sunday morning (negative). Emailed the hotel to say we were cancelling that night's booking, but could we rebook for Saturday night.

Sometime after 4pm Changed trains and headed back up to Brisbane. Then changed trains again.

5.21 We arrived back where we'd first gotten on a train and were taken, a little shell-shocked, back to a lovely quiet home. This is where we had arrived in mid-June after our 36 hour journey from Tokyo. I can't say we were in much better shape when we arrived this time!

That evening, despite not being in a great way, I contacted the booking agent for the hotel and rebooked. Looks like the hotel has been very gracious and won't charge us for the late cancellation. I also figured out we needed a new PCR test, where to get that, and what we needed to do (print out a new pathology request). 

All afternoon my throat had been getting sorer and by the evening my head was starting to get clogged up too. The aftershock of it all made me shaky and I pretty much lost my appetite. I was slightly panicking about the possibility of COVID and the new PCR test I had to pass to fly again, but having only just recovered from COVID, it seemed unlikely. Nonetheless, the thought of going through another cold-like sickness wasn't appealing. It probably goes without saying that I didn't sleep well that night either, despite being exhausted. But the next morning (yesterday) I did feel a lot better about the whole affair.

On Thursday my main job was to get new PCR tests and also a few groceries to tide us over. Thankfully we were able to borrow the car for one more day. We're in a "granny flat" where there are some supplies in the cupboard and fridge, but not really enough for three days and nights. It was hard to plan for meals for just the two of us for those three days, and even more so once I realised (again) that portions sold in grocery stores are larger here, and often more expensive. For example, a small tub of yoghurt cost more than a large tub of yoghurt!

I also took some time to wander along the esplanade at Wynnum. Not the prettiest of beaches, but lovely to see the sea, and the sky, and trees, and to breath.

Today (Friday) has been a quiet at-home day. I'm thankful that once again we've jumped through the "negative COVID test hoop". I've managed to do a little bit of urgent editing, but mostly resting. Because I again didn't sleep well last night (read from 2 am to 4am!).

Tomorrow we begin the journey to the hotel airport again, though this time we're a little bit closer and we've got a lift to the hotel. This is a protracted journey that I hope will come to an end with my head on my pillow in my own home in Tokyo on Sunday night.

And why do I feel transparent? Well I've said goodbyes here and people have generally expected that I've left (unless they're on social media) and I was expected back in Tokyo yesterday, so people there are already saying "Welcome back". It's as if I'm in a time warp.

There's no knowing the "why" of this. But simply, it's good to recognise that we're not in control, and that times like these can grow our faith, when we continue to trust God amidst the uncertainty. We've had people praying for us. Our host sent us these verses:

So do not fear, for I am with you;
    do not be dismayed, for I am your God.
I will strengthen you and help you;
    I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.

For I am the Lord your God
    who takes hold of your right hand
and says to you, Do not fear;
    I will help you. (Isaiah 41:10,13 NIV)

Comfort!