He is not unable to sympathise when we grieve

This year I've been working on a big goal that I wrote about here in May last year when I was at the writer's retreat I organised, and then again in my first blog post this year. 

I took a big break in the middle of the year, but much of the rest of the year I've been trying to set aside some time on Friday mornings to think about and write chapters of a book that I'd like to see published. We'll see if publishing ends up happening, but I've discovered that if I literally write "Writing" on my calendar for a Friday morning and avoid having other meetings or outings that morning, I can usually settle down to write fairly well. However, if I don't do any of that, then I usually don't get anything done.

This morning I ended up with a 9 am meeting and I have not been able to settle to any book writing after that! But maybe I can write a blog post instead?

I'm in my 50s and have been living in Japan for about half my life! Life has changed greatly over that time, but there are still themes that keep coming back again and again. One of them is grief and loss. It's something I've written about many times here because it's something that keeps coming up. Everyone who has lived on this earth for more than a few years deals with loss and grief, but the cross-cultural life we live has a tendency to bring more of it into our daily lives than many people deal with.

I'm thinking about it at this time because a friend and colleague who has become very close in the last few years is leaving Japan permanently in February. It's a long, sad goodbye. Yesterday we had lunch together over a video call (we live on opposite sides of Tokyo), and finished with prayer for each other, and tears.

This is a reminder to me
of the time five years ago
when we had a picnic with
my friend and her family
on my birthday and she
baked me a cake :D

After our call finished I couldn't settle to my regular work. I don't know if it's true for others, but it's pretty normal that straight after a video call I can't just jump back into whatever is next on my list—especially if it is editing or a creative task like writing, and if the meeting or conversation was emotional, it's even harder. Yesterday I struggled to figure out what I could do to get myself back into the place where I could get things on my to do list done.

So, instead of ignoring the elephant in the room, I pondered grief. I looked at some of the things that I'd written about it in the past. I remembered talking to a psychologist about the grief I have accumulated over the years as I've said goodbye to many, many friends and colleagues. She mentioned the verse in Isaiah 53 that says Jesus was "acquainted with grief". So I looked that up.

I usually use the NIV version and it doesn't use those words, its translation is that Jesus "was despised and rejected by mankind, a man of suffering, and familiar with pain" (Isa. 53:3 NIV).

"Familar with pain" is the phrase they've used for "acquainted with grief".

ESV, RSV, and KJV use "a man of sorrows and acquainted with grief".

NLT "a man of sorrows, acquainted with deepest grief".

But what does "acquainted with grief" actually mean? "Acquainted" means to have personal knowledge of experience. It's stunning to think on this. Jesus knows about grief personally. 

He knew about grief before he came to earth as a man, actually, so I shouldn't be so surprised. The Old Testament tells us that God was grieved so many times by his people. One story of a conversation between Moses and God in Exodus 32 tells us how angry God was about Israel's disobedience when they made for themselves a golden calf and worshipped that instead of God.

The Lord said, “I have seen how stubborn and rebellious these people are. Now leave me alone so my fierce anger can blaze against them, and I will destroy them. Then I will make you, Moses, into a great nation.” But Moses tried to pacify the Lord his God. “O Lord!” he said. “Why are you so angry with your own people whom you brought from the land of Egypt with such great power and such a strong hand? (Ex. 11:9–10 NLT)

But we also see evidence of Jesus's grief in the New Testament. Of course when he wept at Lazarus's tomb and we know he lost John the Baptist to violent death (Matt. 14:13 says when he heard he immediately left in a boat to a remote area to be alone). But also in a larger sense we see his heart when he said "O Jerusalem, Jerusalem, the city that kills the prophets and stones God's messengers! How often I have wanted to gather your children together as a hen protects her chicks beneath her wings, but you wouldn't let me" (Matt. 23:37). Jesus also endured the pain of betrayal in Judas, something that must have been more painful because he knew it was coming?

As I pondered these things, I plucked my copy of Gentle and Lowly: The Heart of Christ for Sinners and Sufferers (by Dane Ortlund) off my bookshelf and scanned through some of the chapter titles and then text. Here are some snippets:

Whatever it means to be human (and to be human without sin), Jesus was, and is. And emotions are an essential part of being human. . . . Jesus experienced the full range of emotions that we do (p. 104).

He ponders Hebrews 4:15: "For we do not have a high priest who is unable to sympathize with our weaknesses, but one who in every respect has been tempted as we are, yet without sin" (ESV). Ortlund says:

The burden of this . . . verse is Jesus Christ's sheer solidarity with his people. . . . it is in "our weaknesses" that Jesus sympathizes with us. . . In our pain, Jesus is pained; in our suffering, he feels the suffering as his own even though it isn't—not that his invincible divinity is threatened, but in the sense that his heart is feelingly drawn into our distress." (p. 46). . . 

If you are in Christ, you have a Friend who, in your sorrow, will never lob down a pep talk from heaven. He cannot bear to hold himself at a distance. Nothing can hold him back. His heart is too bound up with yours (p. 51).

In Chapter 12 Ortlund considers again what it means for Jesus to be a tender friend. I think that was the most comforting thought in all this pondering. That, even when my close friend is no longer close, Jesus never leaves me. That my location is irrelevant in my relationship with him.

Christ's heart for us means that he will be our never-failing friend no matter what friends we do or do not enjoy on earth. He offers us a friendship that gets underneath the pain of our loneliness. While that pain does not go away, its sting is made fully bearable by the far deeper friendship of Jesus (p. 120).

None of this is especially new to me. I remember praying this in 2000, with tears, over my toddler, when we were grieving as we left Australia for the first time:

7 I can never escape from your Spirit!
I can never get away from your presence!
If I go up to heaven, you are there;
if I go down to the grave, you are there.
If I ride the wings of the morning,
if I dwell by the farthest oceans,
even there your hand will guide me,
and your strength will support me (Ps 139:7–10).

Nonetheless, we are forgetful beings, or at least I am! It's good to stop when things like this make us stumble, and remember in our hearts the truths we know in our heads.

Faithful administrator

A couple of weeks ago I listened to a sermon about faithfulness, one of the fruit of the Holy Spirit—characteristics we should see growing in Christians. Instead of talking more generally about this characteristic, our pastor looked at a real person in the Bible: Daniel. 

A fruit photo was called for...and why 
not share with you one of my favourite
"Japanese" fruit: nashi, aka "Japanese
Pear". I don't like "Western" pears,
so loving nashi has been surprising.

As someone who grew up on Bible stories, the things that first come to mind about him are the amazing stories: spending a night imprisoned in a lion's den and not being devoured, being chosen by King Nebuchadnezzar to be brought into his royal service and then resisting the king's food, interpreting two king's dreams, and praying to his God despite that being illegal. Not to mention his three friends who didn't die after being thrown into a furnace.

But I have never really thought about Daniel as an administrator. 

It pleased Darius to appoint 120 satraps to rule throughout the kingdom, with three chief ministers over them, one of whom was Daniel. The satraps were made accountable to them so that the king might not suffer loss. Now Daniel so distinguished himself among the chief ministers and the satraps by his exceptional qualities that the king planned to set him over the whole kingdom. At this, the chief ministers and the satraps tried to find grounds for charges against Daniel in his conduct of government affairs, but they were unable to do so. They could find no corruption in him, because he was trustworthy and neither corrupt nor negligent. (Daniel 6:1–4 NIV)

The preacher pointed out these things about Daniel from this passage:

• First Daniel was part of three chief ministers over 120 local governors with the goal of the king not suffering any (financial?) loss.
• Then Daniel so distinguished himself that the king planned to set him over all the kingdom.
• Daniel had "exceptional qualities". In a different version (ESV) it says that he had an "excellent spirit" in him.
• His colleagues tried to find fault in him, but they couldn't "because he was faithful" (ESV). He was "trustworthy and neither corrupt nor negligent" (NIV). 

He had a lot of responsibility and was clearly gifted at what he did.

The story continues. Those conspiring against Daniel asked the king to make a new law that made it illegal to pray to any other God or man other than the king for the next 30 days. They lied to the king, saying that everyone had agreed to this law (but clearly Daniel had not). The penalty was the lion's den. The story says that when Daniel learned the decree had been published he went home to his upstairs room and prayed, just as he had done before, three times each day. He was discovered and they "dobbed" him in (Aussie and maybe British for reporting someone for doing wrong).

Daniel clearly didn't hide his devotion. When the king gave the order, he said, "May your God, whom you serve continually, rescue you!" We focus in on the lions and the rescue, but do you note that even the king knew that Daniel, one of his most trusted administrators, served his (foreign-to-the-king) God faithfully.

Over the years I have become more and more an administrator, a team leader, and a project/event manager. I enjoy what I do. It's a quiet job that I mostly do on my own from my own home. Though I interact with dozens of people through my week, it's usually via email or other text-based ways. Somehow it's easy to get discouraged. 

I don't know if other people who do administration get discouraged. I see some of the little (and big) tasks that go into the running of our Japanese church and am so thankful for the people who do them. They make sure supplies are ordered, that buildings are cleaned, that minutes are taken, that finances are managed, events are organised, and equipment maintained. Without administrators, our churches, missions, organisations, schools, governments, etc. wouldn't run. People tend to only notice administrators if they're doing a bad job!

But clearly administrators are valuable in God's sight too. Being faithful in what I do is glorifying to God, even when it doesn't feel that way. I found this such an encouraging sermon!

It doesn't make economic sense

I've been putting off writing here, because I had too many unformed ideas competing for air time. Plus, this week I've had meetings every day, a lot more than I usually do. I've also discovered over the years that meetings mess with my ability to process my thoughts into written words. In any case, I'm here now, and determined to get something coherent written before the end of Friday.

Last week I listened to an episode from my favourite podcast: Undeceptions. The topic was close to my heart: Dis/ability. There was lots to chew on, including different theological ideas about what heaven will be like, whether the disabilities that people experience here on earth will have any part of that or not.

One of my favourite earrings. It's
a shard of pottery, created by a
group called Nozomi Project who 
began after the giant triple
disaster in Japan in 2011. They
made jewellery out of broken
pottery, initially from what was
washed up on the shoreline after
the tsunami. Their tagline was
"Beauty in brokenness", a 
beautiful way to think about the
brokenness that disability brings to 
people's lives.

As one who has worked as an allied health worker, I was thinking about this topic from well before I encountered disability as a parent. As an Occupational Therapy student we were trained to think about people holistically, to consider their whole lives and probably more than most professions in the field, to think deeply on what someone could do as opposed to what they couldn't do.

And then we had kids and got neurodivergent diagnoses which gave us another perspective on this whole topic, especially as our kids moved into post-school years.

I'm not about to rehash what was covered in this hour-long podcast, but wanted mostly to mention something that particularly jumped out at me. The host, John Dickson, interviewed Kirk Patston, the Director of the Centre for Preaching and Pastoral Ministry and a lecturer in Old Testament and practical theology at Sydney Missionary and Bible College. He's got lived experience as the parent of an adult son with a disability as well as professional experience as a former speech pathologist.

He and his wife were working in four churches when their son, Jerrah, was born. Kirk talked about the mentality of someone in Christian ministry where there is always a feeling that there's more you can do and a sense that you can always do better. This really resonates with me. It's a strange mix of our worth is based on how much we do, yet our faith is about God's grace, which has nothing at all to do with how much we do. They weren't getting much sleep because their son was having seizures and not sleeping and they both ended up having to "live off government payments and people's kindness for a year." It was very different to the church work they had been doing, and this of course meant they thought about who they were, what did God really want from them. See the full transcript at the end of this post.

Kirk said, "It doesn't make economic sense". Indeed, the whole field of disability can make you step back and think about human value. If our value is based only on economic output, then disability really challenges that. So does caregiving of little children and elderly people. (Cross-cultural mission also doesn't make economic sense, but I digress.) Kirk also said, though, that "that's not to say that the Lord's not in it, and that God might actually be doing something deep and important here."

I think this is an important point to think on: that even if it doesn't make sense from an efficiency point of view, it's not the only perspective. God has a different view on our lives and we need to trust him that he's got a purpose in the situations we find ourselves in, even if we don't understand it now.

A portion of the transcript of the podcast:

 John Dickson:

How has Jerrah, over the years, helped you think through, maybe not at the highest philosophical and theological level, just approach our topic that I wanna talk to you about of, of disability? Have you found that this experience, this lived experience has actually had a big influence, or did it just simply turn your mind to the topic, as it were?

Kirk Patston:

Oh, no. Big, a big influence. Kind of an undoing of me, really. Yeah. Um, I think I had a framework about Christianity, which I, I knew intellectually I was always had to work against, that, um, what God really wants from me is, you know, lots of service of other people, lots of activity.

A very kind of activist, uh, account of Christianity. So, my wife and I have… We’ve got theological training and have worked in church ministry, and you’re always feeling that there’s more I can do. There’s more people I could talk to about Jesus. There’s m- you know, there’s better pastoral care I could offer, more, you know, there’s how can we grow things?

So you’ve got that kind of story where you’re, you’re productivity based. Sure. Um, and, and but with paradoxically at the same time knowing that the Christian message is actually about God’s grace- Yeah … where, you know, we don’t earn and where we’re actually unable to- Mm-hmm … perform. So it’s, it’s sort of weird.

Like, there’s this clash in it, and oftentimes I would identify and know that clash. But then along comes Jarrah, and, um, he came along in a period in our life when Lisa and I had four churches to look after that were all struggling. Um, but one or two of them in particular were just sort of going through a time of change.

New people were coming. There was this sense of, aha, these churches that were dying are not going to die. God’s going to do something. And then along came Jarrah with these uncontrolled seizures, and, he didn’t sleep. He’d just sleep in 40-minute little snatches. So we just… Our life was so chaotic, we just got to the point we just had to walk away from our ministry roles.

We just lived off government payments and people’s kindness for a year. And, um, so then you think, oh, who am I? You know, who am I as a Christian? Mm. What does God want from me? And you begin to see the dignity of, and the, the wasteful dignity of I’m going to care for one little person with epilepsy, rather than four churches.

Yeah. Um, and it do- doesn’t make economic sense. It’s not efficient. Mm. But that’s not to say that the Lord’s not in it, and that God might be actually doing something deep and important here.

(This is a transcript with this note: Transcripts are generated using a combination of speech recognition software and human transcribers, and may contain errors. Please check the corresponding audio before quoting in print. I've removed some small errors, but I haven't checked the audio before quoting it here.)

Satisfaction in completing a project

Cover of our latest magazine, to be
mailed out next week.

On Tuesday we sent another magazine to the printer. Each of these issues is the culmination of about four and a half months of work of our team, so it's worth noting when each issue is finished. However, the magazine team is remote, so remote that five of them are currently living in Australia and the US. Different time zones and that we all hold many different responsibilities outside of the magazine combine to make it hard to do much at the same time at all. I don't even try for frequent all-team meetings.

A friend asked me on Sunday if I celebrate at these times, when we finish a magazine. My answer was "No, not generally." But when I thought about it later, I realised that if the weather is good, I'll often go for a ride to my favourite local park in the days following the completion of an issue. But this time of year it's hard as it's still pretty hot and humid. However my friend's kind question prompted me to take a moment...and so on Tuesday I rode to my favourite local coffee shop and enjoyed the treat of someone else making me a good coffee.

On Tuesday I also started writing our prayer letter, which, alongside this blog, is one of my favourite ways to reflect on recent events, as well as look forward to the coming weeks. Through doing that I realised that my Saturday mornings are extra busy in September (usually David and I try keep Saturdays free for relaxation and home-stuff). On top of that we've got a lot going on in October (three work trips between the two of us plus a camping trip and a one-day mission conference to speak at). Phew! 

I realise that you don't really want me to list all the various tasks I've got on my mind at work (though it helped me to list them anyway, but I deleted them before I hit "Publish"). Most of it is planning and preparing for future events or projects in the coming months. It all feels quite messy. In contrast, our magazine process has become quite organised and clear, and it's very satisfying to finish one and hold it in my hand. So I do often find it a bit of a challenging transition from the intensity of finishing off a magazine back to other (often less clear-cut) responsibilities.

In other news on the self-care front—I did go to the dentist today, and got the all clear for another few months. And I'm continuing the struggle with cooking too much food for us two...but enjoying the leftovers on subsequent evenings!