Imposter syndrome

Have you heard of this term? It's "the idea that you’ve only succeeded due to luck, and not because of your talent or qualifications—was first identified in 1978 by psychologists". (from https://time.com/5312483/how-to-deal-with-impostor-syndrome/)

It's something I struggle with a little, both professionally and personally. Though I've been editing and writing for over 10 years, I have no formal qualifications in either areas, and sometimes wonder "who am I to be making this decision". I've been asked to teach about writing on a few occasions and always wonder if I'm just "faking it".

I also feel like a bit of a fake as a missionary at times, especially when people in Australia assume that I'm a super evangelist or fluent in the language. When I'm with colleagues I feel like a fake because I am neither good at Japanese nor skilled in theology. Editing theological and deeply cultural articles I find really challenging.

A photo of me trying to "fake it" as a course
facilitator in January.

Though I've been a parent for over 22 years, I still wonder if I'm doing an okay job. This has been a tough parenting year and I admitted to a counsellor earlier in the year that I feared I was a failure as a parent. I've even had moments of feeling recently, that though I've been an adult for over 30 years, I don't feel up to the task at times.

I wouldn't classify myself as having significant self-esteem issues, nor am I especially a perfectionist. So I'm not sure why all the self-doubt. Maybe I'm just a realist and I understand my weaknesses all too well.

I went to a magazine editing course at the very start of my editing career. I remember these professional editors (think Christianity Today) saying something like editors know a little about a lot of things. And that's actually a pretty good description of me. Perhaps that's why I don't feel like an expert at anything?

However every now and then I'm surprised by my own competency. Like when I was interviewed by someone in our organisation a couple of months ago about the social media work I do with our mission. It was pretty apparent, even to me, that I knew a lot of stuff about it (an awful lot more than I knew five years ago). And early last year when I took some writers away for a retreat and offered one-on-one times for each one. They asked me hard questions about a whole range of writing matters and I actually came up with some answers that were maybe helpful.

Perhaps the older we get the more we feel like imposters because the more we realise how little we know? I look back at the "arrogance" of my youth, for example, as a new graduate at 21 years of age I was running an Occupational Therapy department that covered a large geographical area. I was the only member of the department, but still, that meant I had little supervision or people to ask advice from. It was a sign of the desperateness that they even employed me.

So, what am I to do with this? Perhaps remember who I am, first and foremost. My value is primarily as someone made in the image of God, and I can even claim that, as I am a child of God, I am loved by God. That's a pretty big claim and one that makes all the wondering if I'm a fake fade into the background. It doesn't matter, ultimately, whether I'm a fake or not. My value isn't in what I do, nor how well I do it. But my sieve-like mind has trouble retaining that and I need to remind myself often.