It's a daily battle

Well, the last two blog posts have been really easy to write: from inside the writing retreat and then last week's wonderful news about our family. But today's isn't rolling off my fingers.

Last week I had a quiet week working at home with only one meeting. After a busy time at the retreat the previous week, it was good to counterbalance that with a more restful one. But it is when I'm not so busy, and also in the "slump" after a big, highly anticipated event, that doubts and negative thoughts start to creep into my mind.

Some of those internal voices I hear are words about how ineffective and useless I am, and you have to read that in the context of the organisation we're apart of and the reason we're in Japan. We're here because so few Japanese people follow Jesus. I talk and write about how important support ministry is (the name of the work that David and I are primarily involved in), but sometimes it feels like we're just not doing enough and by extension, are not enough. I think that is probably a common feeling amongst missionaries in this country. We don't talk about it much, but it's the big elephant in the room, and one reason that people burn out or fizzle out here.

Last week I felt particularly heavy-hearted about Japan as a nation (not about living here, but how tough a place it is for people to come to faith in Christ, and continue in that faith). In some weird way I found that sadness a comfort: Jesus himself wept over Jerusalem (Luke 19:41), surely he weeps over Japan too! It is right to be sad about those who don't know Christ.

But at the same time, I know we need to take heart and trust in God. He's got us (and our colleagues) here for a reason. Missionaries generally don't just decide to go off and "do stuff" in foreign countries, they are compelled by Scripture and the Holy Spirit to do this. It's hard to prove in black-and-white, but we're here due to an overwhelming sense that it's the right place to be serving God.

Earlier this week I saw this article "Tethering tightly" from A Life Overseas, and though the situation of the author differs from ours in various ways, she hits on some important points about persevering in this life of faith by thinking about the verse in John 15:

I am the vine, you are the branches; the one who remains in me, and I in him bears much fruit, for apart from me you can do nothing. (vs 5 NASB).

Here are some points that were good to be reminded of:

• Living abroad takes its toll. The layers of grief, hopes for the future, fatigue, and persevering through trials.
• We're called to remain steadfast in God, not to change our circumstances to get relief from our struggles or weakness.
• God is the vine, our stability in the midst of the constant changing human landscape. He's the only one who can truly satisfy us and strengthen us.
  
• I'm just a branch. I don't have all the answers or solutions. I'm part of it, but not expected to do everything or be everything.

  

  I also spent an hour with a new hairdresser as she
  tried to comprehend what I wanted to do with
  this unfamiliar "Western" hair. I think she did
  a good job in the end. I don't think I've ever had 
  someone try so hard. I learned a new, helpful
  word "nagamochi" which means "longlasting"
  and apparently can be applied to skinflint
  missionaries who don't want to pay for a haircut
  every other week!

• My job is mostly to remain in him and he will do the work, whatever work that he decides to do.
• It's simply not about me. About what I do, how I serve, what my productivity or lack of productivity is, what activities I do or complete, what things I tick off on my lists.

Please don't imagine that I've been curled up on the lounge in despair. I haven't! I've actually been moderately busy most days—writing, editing, reading, emailing, planning, thinking, etc. I could tell you several very encouraging things that happened in the last 10 days, not the least was, on Saturday, doing a bunch of baking for church, and getting a tonne of appreciation for that on Sunday! I also had a very encouraging time at a coffee shop with a new friend from church.

But it's a daily battle, isn't it? To keep our eyes fixed on Jesus. To remember that we're not the centre of the story. And to do our desperate best, despite our weak and distracted selves, to remain in Christ. Thankfully that's not up to us either. He's got us in a far more solid grasp than we'll ever be capable of.

Buzzing with exciting news

I'm still buzzing from the writing retreat, but more "buzz" was to come on Saturday. We've known for several weeks, but finally we were able to talk openly about our impending grandparent-hood! 

My kids were all born pre-social media, so I come from an era where people didn't do announcements like this. But how fun is this photo that I made?

I feel like life is shooting past faster than I can comprehend, though! Only two years ago I had a kid at school...and then I was adjusting to "open nesting" and then having a daughter-in-law and now a grandchild is on the way? 

Phew! It's a lot! But also a lot of joy. 

The only sad thing about it is that we live a long way away from the expectant couple and we don't have a huge budget. Decisions about our movements at Christmas time are now pending...

Writing from the depths of a writing retreat

We are into day four of our five-day writing retreat. It's going really well from an organiser's perspective. You might wonder what a retreat like this looks like. From my research and experience, a writing retreat can look quite different from one to the other. It can be as simple as one person going somewhere for the day and working on a writing project. Or it can be as complex as a group going to a very special destination for a lengthy period with a complex schedule that includes teaching, workshops, small groups, as well as individual and writing time.

This retreat is a time for missionaries who feel compelled to write to get away from their daily lives (and ministry) and write and talk about writing amongst ourselves. And we've had lots of time to do both. Each day we're spending up to five hours in "Shut up and write" (SUAW) time where we're trying hard to stay silent. We don't have desks in individual rooms, so we're mostly quietly writing in a single (beautiful) communal room. Often people will stop and go for a walk, or have a snack to break up the time. One of our group has been stoking literal fires. The room is heated by a wood heater, and yes, it's cool enough in the evenings to enjoy that.

Aomori Christian Center

Each day we're starting, straight after breakfast with a devotions led by one of the participants and a short time of prayer. We follow this with 10 minutes of "no-back-space" writing time, using a choice of several prompts, from the serious to the absurd. After that, there's time to share what you've written, if you wish. I've also given a Daily Creative Challenge that people can choose to do during the day if they wish. Then we transition into a couple of hours of SUAW before lunch.

After lunch we've spent 40–80 minutes talking about writing, which has been participant-led. It's often been people sharing something they've written and the rest of us giving kind, but constructive feedback. But also we've had discussions about an idea for a story or article.

The rest of the afternoon is SUAW. It's been wonderfully focused time. No nattering or catching up on email or errands to run or meals to prepare or meetings to attend. I'm so thankful that our hosts here are fully catering for meals, snacks, and drinks. 

After dinner we've had time to share our responses (if we wish) to the Daily Challenge. On the first couple of evenings we had some get-to-know you questions that we each answered, as well as sharing our expectations for the week. Then we've indulged in some fun games which have been welcome after the intensity of the day.

I'm appreciating the time to relax into being here, and also being with this small group, most of whom I didn't know well. It means that it's much less hit-and-go than previous short events that I've led, most of which have been one or two nights only. We've been able to focus on longer projects or getting more things written. But it's also challenging. This hasn't been a holiday.

As one who has mostly worked in the publishing field as an editor, to have this much time to work on my own writing is very confronting. It's not that I haven't written much in the last 17 years, I've actually written quite a lot! Dozens of magazine articles and online articles, a handful of short pieces in book collections, and a personal blog that now contains 3,300 posts. 

It's the latter that I'm focusing on this week. The last three days I've been reviewing what I have actually written...from the beginning in March 2009. I've been pondering what content I've got that could be reworked into a larger thing—also known as a book—for publication. That is also confronting. For years I've eschewed any idea that I might write a book, and now I'm wondering if I actually should. That scares me because it is a big project, a long-term project. But it also excites me.

The other exciting thing is that it's looking likely that we'll be able to do it again next year in the same location. Hopefully we'll be able to widen the invitation to allow a larger group to join us. Though the small group has been very special and comfortable, I know that there are others out there who would love to join us and would both benefit and contribute. We'll see what feedback everyone gives me after this is over so that we can make the next one even better. 

Exciting week coming up

One of my secret joys is getting away with other people who love to write, and simply focussing on writing. And living in a country where the language is not your own is a lonely place for a writer. So I've had to make my own opportunities.

It's over five years since I ran a writing retreat. On Monday I'm heading north to host a five-day retreat for OMF people. I'm so glad that this long-held dream is actually coming to pass, and that I really haven't had to do too much to prepare.

A scene from the 2020
writers retreat.

Last time I did this it was mid-March 2020 at the start of the crazy pandemic years...literally, that plague was a few weeks old and we were nervous. Thirteen of us gathered in three holiday apartments (where we've often had holidays in the mountains). I "outlawed" talking about the pandemic and we didn't wear masks. Little did I know that would be the last time I saw the faces of people in person outside my family for many many months (or was it years?).

It was so successful that several people who attended kept asking me when I was going to do it again. One of the attendees and I dreamed of doing this "up north", closer to where she lives. But with the pandemic as well as challenges within our own family and then home assignment, none of that has been possible.

But the dream goes way back 15 years to when I first thought about hosting a retreat/workshop and then did my first micro retreat in November 2011. I ran six between 2011 and 2020, and only one of them in Tokyo. Most of them I was involved with logistics, finance, catering, and transport too (I was often the driver and last time the facilities manager too)!

Ever since we came back to Japan last year, I've been working towards pulling this off, and in January we finally found a venue and got dates and things started to come together. And then we had eight people (beside me) sign up. So exciting!

This one is going to be easy: it's catered, finances are taken care of by the venue, and we even get transfers from the train station. And I don't have any teaching to do.

Five days is the longest one I've ever hosted (I attended a five-day one in Hong Kong in 2010). It's such a relaxed schedule that we should have a lot of time to write...something I've not had the chance to do much of in any of the six I've hosted before.

My goals for the retreat are:

1. To provide a space for people who write to get away and do that.

2. To energise writers by getting them together.

3. To offer people help with writing or editing...if they want it.

4. To make concrete plans to do this on a bigger scale, for a wider group of people, next year.

A couple of people asked me about my personal writing goals. I have one big idea and a couple of smaller ones. We'll see where and how God leads. I am full of anticipation, though. Watch this space.

End of the teenage era!

This week marks the end of an era. Nearly 13 years ago our eldest son became a teenager and this week his youngest brother turned 20, though it's been more than a year since he moved out, it's still worth acknowledging that our family has reached a new stage with no teenagers in our midst anymore. One of the fun things about a long-distance blog like mine is looking back at the past (I guess the same would be true if you were a consistent journaller).

One of the nearly 20 birthday
cakes I made for our
teenagers over the years.

Below is a short collection of some of the better things I've shared about parenting teenagers in the last 13 years.

I started blogging before I hit the teen years as a parent, so I recorded the start (in 2012!) here: https://mmuser.blogspot.com/2012/05/mother-of-teenager-not-i-not-yet.html

At that time I wrote:

I don't know what is ahead, but the last 13 years of parenting haven't been a breeze. I doubt that the next seven are going to be either. I guess the only way forward is how I've made it through the last 13 years — by God's grace and with lots of prayer.

I clearly wasn't thinking that it would be 13 more years until this phase of parenting would be put to bed, however my proposed way forward was solid.

By the time my first son hit teenage years, I'd given up on parenting books. However, in 2015, I did find one that was helpful. It majored on "grace" rather than "this is how you must do it or else": https://mmuser.blogspot.com/2015/10/broken-parents.html 

Here's one quote:

Parenting, like all tasks under the sun, is intended as an endeavor of love, risk, perseverance, and above all, faith. It is faith rather than formula, grace rather than guarantees, steadfastness rather than success that bridges the gap between our own parenting efforts, and what, by God's grace, our children grow up to become. 

(This actually comes from Leslie Leyland Fields, , "The Myth of the Perfect Parent," Christianity Today, January 2010, 27.)

February 2016 was a very difficult month (my father-in-law was dying in hospital). During that time I came across a very encouraging post: The value of a mother: https://mmuser.blogspot.com/2016/02/the-value-of-mother.html 

As I’ve said before and will repeat until I die, no matter your role or stage of life, when you wonder about your value you need to look to only one place: the cross. At the cross the creator of this universe sacrificed His only Son because He values you. Your value comes not from what you do, but who you ARE in Him because of what He already did. He also highly values your role as a mother.

In 2018 we had three teenagers, though one had left home earlier that year. I wrote a short blog post with some crumbs of advice:  https://mmuser.blogspot.com/2018/11/teenage-parenting-crumbs.html

1. Pick your battles very carefully (not meaning that you don't set expectations).

2. Find what they're interested in, and invest in that to build a bridge.

In May 2019 I wrote about negotiating new family household jobs: https://mmuser.blogspot.com/2019/05/negotiating-with-my-teen.html

And here are two final pieces of advice (from here) Ups and downs of parenting teens:

3. Teenagers grow up, this is just a stage. It's a long stage, but seeing them come out at the other end with all sorts of amazing skills is even more gratifying than watching your kids learn to walk!

4. Find someone safe who you can talk to about your parenting struggles. It is a hard, long slog. A very long marathon, if you like, not a sprint. And it's not a good idea to slog it out on your own without support.

I have long said I will never write a book about parenting, however I have written about my own journey quite a bit on this blog. Every family is different, has different challenges and different strengths. Every child and every parent is unique. I don't write here about my experiences to make you envious or to feel guilty. My intention is to walk alongside you in the trenches by showing you a little of my "on the edge of ordinary" life.

The value of listening

The other day I got a message from someone in our organisation in Australia who I don't know. Her role is specifically about helping advise our members about their kids, as needed. We've never met. However, somehow she'd discovered this blog and had been reading bits of our story and wanted to know what we've learned along the way, especially in regards to neurodivergence and what help we'd received that she could pass on to others if she needed to.

A photo from a few years back when the
boys all lived with us in Japan.

I asked if she would be interested in hearing our story in detail. I explained that it would just be easier to tell her, because it's a long, complex story—which is pretty normal for neurodivergence, but I suspect ours is more complex because of the cross-cultural elements. It's a story that would take me hours, even as a fast writer, to get down. She agreed, and we talked for nearly two hours. Well, most of that talking was me! She asked some great questions, including some that I've never been asked before. But I think we were both exhausted at the end. 

I have been thinking about that conversation ever since. It was great to be really listened to (she was even taking notes). But it was hard to make sure I included all the bits and pieces. The story went back around 20–25 years and there were so many threads. In the days that followed that conversation, I kept thinking of more things that I could have added! But I think that in the end she got all (and probably much more) than she needed. It made me aware again of the various people God has given me along the way who have listened to me tell parts of our story, with all my struggles, questions, and tears. I'm so thankful. I'm thankful to all who have prayed for us, usually without much information, but just that we were struggling.

It's a huge blessing to be able to look back at all of that and see where our kids are now and that they're all okay. One of the hardest things about being a parent is not knowing the end of the story. Of course all parents have to make decisions without all the information that you feel you need (especially a comparison between the outcomes of two different decisions). Not knowing what long-term impact your decisions will have on your kid is difficult, but when your children aren't thriving or "fitting the norm" it's even harder. One of the extra hard things about being a missionary parent is not having many people around you whose situation is similar to yours and few who understand the nuances of your situation. It can be quite a lonely and difficult place to do parenting and make hard decisions.

So, what's the point of me sharing this? I think, to shed light on the difficulty of being a parent of a kid with neurodivergence and that it is even harder when one is living a missionary life. But most especially to note that the most valuable thing you might be able to do for such a parent is to listen to them. You might not be able to provide any solutions, or point a parent to a place where they can get help, or help them make an important decision, but if they feel heard then that is a help. Parenting kids who have difficulties is a lonely job, it's hard for others to understand the daily challenges you face. If someone is willing to stop and listen to you talk about those challenges, it's a huge encouragement.

Pondering the Biblical metaphor of shepherd and sheep

I often think of the scenes of
another book I read as a
child, Heidi, when I think of 
ancient shepherds. In that 
book the animals are goats,
but they have a goatherd who 
daily takes them up onto the
mountain slopes in Switzerland
and is charged with keeping 
them safe.
Image by Greg Montani from Pixabay

Recently at our church we heard a sermon about Jesus's statement "I am the good shepherd" (John 10:11 NIV). This metaphor is especially precious to me. It was one that God impressed on my heart as a young teenager, just as I was starting to question my since-childhood-faith. I think that, as a child, I felt a lot of pressure to "be good", so to know that I was cared for like a shepherd cares for their sheep was a great comfort. 

Shepherding was a common profession in Biblical times and is mentioned 118 times in the NIV version of the Bible.

This verse was particularly precious to me at a mid-pandemic individual mini retreat that I did in 2020:

He [the Sovereign Lord] tends his flock like a shepherd:
he gathers the lambs in his arms
and carries them close to his heart;
he gently leads those that have young. (Isaiah 40:11 NIV)

He holds us close to his heart: that's very intimate, like a parent holds a baby!

Here's another example of this metaphor:

The Lord their God will save his people on that day as a shepherd saves his flock. (Zechariah 9:16)

And of course the whole of Psalm 23, which starts with—"The Lord is my shepherd, I lack nothing".

Leaders of Israel are often referred to as shepherds, and often condemned as bad shepherds. 

God refers to himself as a shepherd (eg. Zechariah above).

Early in his ministry the Bible records that Jesus saw a large crowd and "had compassion on them, because they were harassed and helpless, like sheep without a shepherd." (Matt. 9:36 NIV).

There's a whole passage in John 10 about Jesus as a shepherd.

This benediction at the end of Hebrews:

Now may the God of peace, who through the blood of the eternal covenant brought back from the dead our Lord Jesus, that great Shepherd of the sheep. (Hebrews 13:20)

And in this passage, Peter urges his readers to live for God in a society that doesn't respect God's authority:

For ‘you were like sheep going astray,’ but now you have returned to the Shepherd and Overseer of your souls. (1 Peter 2:25)

Our pastor dwelt on what sheep are really like. Here are some characteristics (from memory):

• not good at making decisions or thinking for themselves, in fact renowned for doing "stupid" things,
• good at following the crowd and prone to wander,
• weak and vulnerable, without defence, and
• not beasts of burden.

We're compared to sheep multiple times in the Bible, but it's not necessarily complimentary! But what a comfort, that God knows how weak and "stupid" we are, and cares for us despite that.

During the sermon Psalm 121 also came up. It doesn't specifically mention sheep or shepherds, but the it's quite applicable to sheep-like creatures. Verse eight stood out to me: 

 "The Lord watches over your coming and going, both now and forevermore."

The other day, I came across this same combining of "shepherd" and "coming and going" in Numbers, in my daily Bible reading. It was coming to the end of Moses's life and he asked God for a successor to take over looking after the nation of Israel, who didn't yet have a permanent place to settle:

Moses said to the Lord, ‘May the Lord, the God who gives breath to all living things, appoint someone over this community to go out and come in before them, one who will lead them out and bring them in, so that the Lord’s people will not be like sheep without a shepherd.’ (Numbers 27:15–17)

Our pastor drew out the point that God watches over the daily coming and going that happens in our lives. Back in Biblical days, a shepherd, I'm told, slept across the doorway of the place where the sheep spent the night, so he was literally the door and in charge of when they came in and out of that shelter.

This same verse in Ps. 121 also came up at our mission's regional monthly prayer and fellowship gathering the very next day. Different angle on it, though, talking more about all the transition, hellos and goodbyes, which are ever present in the missionary's life. What a comfort to be reminded that God is right there beside us in all these.

I love a good word study...left on my own, it's often how I study the Bible. This metaphor has been a theme that God has periodically reminded me of over the years. I hope it's been an encouragement or help to you today.