Unexpected hospitality opportunity

Yesterday I did something a bit unusual. 

I'm gradually realising that having extra free time gives me the opportunity to say yes to unexpected opportunities to serve and to connect with people. This month I've had coffee on two occasions with two different friends who happened to be in my neck of the woods and had time to spare. Both of them prefaced their invitation with "I've got this crazy idea"...and I was able to say yes both times and have precious time with them.

Then last Wednesday I got a message from a colleague about the five-day workshop she was organising at our OMF Japan headquarters this week. She was urgently trying to make sure the 23 people attending had lunch each day and they'd suddenly found themselves without someone to make lunch one of the days. As it turns out my work this week is pretty slow, so I had the time to go and do this. 

It was a big task, though, because it takes nearly two hours to get to the OMF headquarters on the other side of Tokyo by train (there's currently no car parking onsite due to renovations). So the decisions I had to make as I executed this plan were:

• selecting a meal that I could quickly make with easily accessible ingredients in the kitchen (two microwave-sized ovens, a two-burner stove, but lots of bench/counter space)
• budgeting—using two cheaper stores that I have close to me that I know they also have near JHQ
• figuring out quantities for this number of people
• figuring out timing, which included me buying the ingredients after I got there on the day, using a borrowed bike, and then doing the cooking

And then executing the plan. I couldn't do much prep at home or take much with me because of the train travel (and most of them quite crowded).

I did well on the first two of the above, not so well as the second two:

1. I bought too many ingredients. One of my biggest fears as a mum of teenage boys was not having enough food, so I've learned to cook too much! But because this was just day three of a five-day live-in workshop, there was plenty of scope for using the leftover salad and other things later in the week.

2. I didn't have enough time to do all that I'd planned on my own, but I easily found two wonderful helpers.

Sadly, the only photo I took of the whole event
was of the leftover ingredients at the end!

What did I make? Loaded potatoes: baked/jacket potatoes that you "load up" with various fillings. It was buffet style and I provided bacon, grated cheese, chickpeas, boiled egg, and yoghurt (cheaper substitute to sour cream). I also had a bunch of raw salad options that people could choose from to add to their plate as well as salad dressing, and a platter with the fruit that cheapest right now (apples, bananas and pineapple). It was a healthy, tasty, and economical meal that didn't require too much cooking and could easily be sourced locally.

It was a joy to use my ability to cook (again) to serve others outside of our household. I've been sharing baked goodies at church and mission events, and hosting people at our house for meals even so often, but this was another level of hospitality. Many who live close to JHQ do this all the time, but because of where we live, I haven't been asked to.

And, as I've noted many times in the past, an opportunity to serve practically like this provides many other opportunities to interact meaningfully with my colleagues. I had several good conversations that filled my heart with joy (and with things to take to the Lord in prayer).

Thinking twice about time

I've been thinking about time. That it takes more time and chronological distance to process things than we often allow. We live in the era of fast and instant: fast food, fast fixes, time-is-money, instant success etc. That subconsciously flows through to how we think and live. I see it in myself: I know the value of margin and not living life at full tilt 100% of the time, but I still struggle at times with thoughts about "wasting time."

Image from Pixabay    

Making every moment count is a concept that is so unhelpful in so many instances. For example, rest, personal growth, trauma recovery, mental illness, grief, even building friendships, dating, child raising, building a good marriage. None of these are things that can easily happen well in a short space of time. As I write about it, it even feels a little bit ridiculous that I even struggle with this concept at times, because I know this.

For example, about five or six years ago when one of our sons was having a horrid time during his last years of high school, we decided the best thing we could do for him was "give him time". He was too anxious to talk about the next week and conversations about post-high school just weren't happening. It was enough for him to just make it through each day sometimes. So we were stuck. We decided to let him stay with us for a couple of years until we could go with him back to Australia and walk alongside him as he made that huge transition to young adult years. He needed that time and we have never regretted it (though it was a bit wobbly at times when people asked about him and what he was "actually doing"). This week it's two years since he moved out of home. He's in a much better "place"—mentally and physically—and we're so glad that God gave us the wisdom of how to be the best parents we could be in a situation where we were pretty much at sea, and to be truthful, quite anxious ourselves.

Some time back a friend shared an article with me titled "Intentionally wasting time". It's written by someone from Sydney Missionary and Bible College about how we should live in relationship with others: by building in non-programmed, informal time with people. It's worth the seven minutes or so it takes to read it. Here's a quote:

Sometimes the most profound ministry moments happen during informal, unplanned spaces.

God works in quiet conversations. He turns up in fun, social times. He’s present in the impromptu prayers, in the ER waiting rooms, over meals and everywhere life happens.

While we’re waiting for the ‘main event’ to begin, or after the programmed teaching time ends, God brings us to another part of his work: to love, to be encouraged by the faith of others, and to help others love Jesus no matter what life throws at us.

One of the most enjoyable thing for me at the moment is something I realise that I've been missing for a long time: deeply satisfying relationships within a church family. And it's mostly happening because of frequent, intentional times of unstructured fellowship: staying a couple of hours after church to share lunch with others, joining an online prayer meeting mid-week (and trying not to be frustrated that it is not efficient, but rather another place where we're walking alongside others), dinners in people's homes, and even a time during the service where people share prayer and praise points.

We also really enjoy "wasting time" with our kids every Sunday afternoon: just hanging out on a video call for two or three hours. But calling it "wasting time" is to badly label it. This is totally worthwhile time.

Then today I saw another article about "wasting time" and ministry: https://www.alifeoverseas.com/did-i-waste-my-life-in-missions/. It's definitely worth a read, whatever your day-to-day job is.

Sometimes ministry can seem like a waste of time (and money). No one has ever said that to me about us following God's calling to Japan, but I wonder if they think that. I do know that people got impatient with how long it took us to get to Japan in the first place...and it's often hard not to get impatient with God's timing. 

But I think we need to go back to trusting God on this. I often pray at the start of the day that God would help us to do the things that he's prepared in advance for us to do (it's from Ephesians 2:10) and that what he leads me to will be pleasing to him. I need to trust that he's at work, that his timing is perfect, and seek his leading every day.

Ordinary deeds are not so ordinary?

Many people don't think of missionaries as ordinary. I've blogged here for many years in an effort to show that I really am just quite ordinary. Somehow we put big titles on people that makes them seems greater than ordinary. It's not just us. If you say someone is an actor, or a rocket scientist, or an Olympian, or _____. There are plenty of other titles that you could put into that space that makes us go "Wow, that person is pretty special" and quietly to ourselves say, "compared to my very ordinary life".

Image by Thomas Mühl from Pixabay    

Somehow we attach great significance to these things and little significance to the more usual things. I read an article by Tim Challies this week about this, about how some dream of being rich, of being convinced they could do big things if they just had a lot of money. The author suggested we've got it all wrong. He suggests thinking on Galatians 6:2 "Carry each other's burdens, and in this way you will fulfil the law of Christ" (NIV). 

Challies quotes John Stott's commentary on that verse: "To love one another as Christ loved us may lead us not to some heroic, spectacular deed of self-sacrifice, but to the much more mundane and unspectacular ministry of burden-bearing."

What does bearing one another's burdens look like in my life this week?

I had two single ladies at church separately tell me of their burning desire to be married. I listened and promised to pray for them. (And followed through on that promise.)

I had a friend confess that she's sad. She's had many goodbyes recently. I shared some of my own goodbyes and sadnesses with her and we commiserated with one another.

Another good friend told me and a mutual friend over a text-chat about some choices she has about how she spends her time, about her heart for a specific group of ladies at her church, and wondered if God was calling her to do something practical for them. We listened and promised to pray.

I had an unexpected opportunity to have dinner alone with a new-ish friend on Monday. She asked about my boys and kept asking and listening...I told her more than she expected to hear from that simple enquiry. I was blessed by being able to tell some of our story and to be amazed again at what's happened for us in the last few years.

Also on Monday (it was a huge day!) I had coffee with a colleague who told me he felt flat as a result of various events that are happening to others in his life. I listened, and prayed for him.

I simply hugged several people this week. This isn't usual in Japan, most of those happened at a mission event where I caught up with a few people I haven't seen in a while. I've also discovered a Japanese lady at church loves hugs and so I'm leaning into that.

These are just a few small examples of bearing one another's burdens. They aren't worth bragging about and I certainly don't deserve any accolades or applause. These are things that any of us can do wherever we are. What have you done this week that will go unnoticed and perhaps be forgotten by even yourself by the end of next month? (And no, you don't have to tell us, just think about it!)

Unexpected joy

I had a fun day yesterday. The backdrop was autumn colour and the amazing network of people that life in missionary circles brings you. Add a layer to that: a long car trip within Tokyo made interesting by a couple of well-researched and presented podcasts. Then, later, another sound track: that of a gym full of wrestlers training and conversations with spectators. Even later, the sound of two video calls: one with a son and the other with church members from various countries sharing with one another at a prayer meeting.

Over lunch, at a cafe about 30 km away, I met up with some old friends and some new, all from the US, though almost all had spent lots of time outside that country. Conversation was wide and varied—tea and scones, life in Japan, education of deaf kids in the US (which I was appalled to hear is dreadfully lacking), Deaflympics, Costa Rica, ministry to at-risk women, and how God lead two of those present into their current ministry to missionary families with kids that have special needs. Oh, and we talked about wrestling too!

Most of those present have a child with a disability. Three of those present have a child who is a wrestler.

One family, friends of friends, was in Japan for the Deaflympics with their son who is a pretty talented wrestler, in both GrecoRoman and Freestyle (our boys only did the latter, but the former is also an Olympic sport, and basically is wrestling that only allows you to touch, or use, the upper body). I knew that these people were in town and had earlier hatched a plan to see if we couldn't connect up this young man with the CAJ wrestling team, who are currently training for the first meet of the season. It was a bit of a mad scheme that actually came off and yesterday afternoon I was also able to welcome them to CAJ and the wrestling team.

I ended up sticking around at training for a couple of hours, talking with those who were on the side, and just absorbing the wrestling vibes—remembering the faces we got to know in January and February this year when we hung out with the team for several days. Yes, it is this season again and, our part-time hobby (how else can I describe it?) is digging its claws into us again. On the first Saturday of December I'm helping David run the tournament that CAJ holds each year and we have also been asked to help out with chaperoning the girls team to an away tournament at the end of January (I'm sure I'll have more to share on that closer to the time).

But I had yet another unexpected surprise yesterday: I went looking for crutches for an injured wrestler and was surprised to discover a basketball coach who is Australian and a trained physio. So cool to find just the help we needed on campus already (and an Aussie at that!).

One of my delights is making connections between people who otherwise never would have met. I am not a matchmaker of the Anne of Green Gables sort, but I do love a good introduction that leads to a new friendship or partnership between those who are introduced.

Our day ended as most of our Wednesdays have done in recent months: with a video chat with one of our sons over dinner, followed by an online prayer meeting with more than a dozen people from our church in Japan. It was a bit of a hectic day, but when my head finally hit the pillow, I was full of joy at what God had brought my way.

We've run out of sporting events

On Monday and Tuesday this week we attended our last interschool school sports event as parents. Yep, another one of the "lasts". The first one we ever went to was in September/October 2010. I've just gone trawling on my blog to see what I wrote back then. I can only find one post from that season, and it was the cross-country finals that year in October, but it's not a very interesting post and certainly doesn't hint that we'd most likely be doing this "sporting parent gig" for the next 13 and a half years!

This blog post from the following year is a little more descriptive. I'm glad to see that my younger self was also tired out from attending Saturday sport. Here's a portion:

Saturday was the last day of the season for middle school cross-country runners. I have to say I'm a little bit relieved. Missing out on my only sleep-in day, and spending most of our Saturdays at cross-country meets has taken its toll and we're feeling a little taxed in our household. It will be nice to have a few quiet Saturdays to ourselves.

A classic example of how a sports meet
can be a great opportunity to build relationships.
These chairs were brought by parents
supporting our team. No one seemed to care
whose chair they sat in. The one on the left is
ours. They became "team chairs" and there
was some lovely interaction going on
between team members and also between
supporters and coaches. I even heard one coach
coaxed to talk about how he and his wife
 (a teacher at the school) got to know one another.

David and I went walking on Tuesday night and while we walked pondered the ending of this parenting season. We decided it was a good thing, and that the future held "other things" that we could do on Saturdays. In fact, the Saturdays in the coming month holds some social outings with friends, as well as a night attending a symphony orchestra concert (birthday treat).

It's been a privilege to be able to walk alongside our boys and their sporting passions these last 13 years. I've written before that we're passionate about supporting our boys in their sporting choices. It's not easy as parents to forge relationships with teenage boys and showing interest in their sporting endeavours has been one way to show ours we love them. It also provides conversational topics, which as you may know, have not been easy to find at times in our house.

Getting involved in school sport hasn't just improved our family relationships, it's provided many friends and conversations with other adults and teenagers that we've treasured over the years. This was something I particularly missed during the pandemic: the opportunity to sit side-by-side with other parents for hours and hours at sporting meets. The family we go camping with is the extension of a friendship forged through travelling to and from sports meets! And that's just one example.

Putting the shot (he won gold for the
smaller school division and silver overall)

Before I ponder this any longer, I need to tell you that our son did really well at his last meet, the Far East Track and Field finals (with teams from military bases in Japan and Korea, plus some non-military schools from the Tokyo area like CAJ). He won two silver medals. One in shot put and one in discus. The discus event was an especially thrilling finish: he threw two personal best distances and beat a guy who was chasing him hard. He and his good mate topped the field at first and second place. It was really fun to be there and celebrate with them.

As I wrote back in February after the Far East wrestling tournament, "These moments when we get to intensely invest in our kids are soon going to get more difficult to find. I'm treasuring them." 

Well, we've run out of sporting events. There are just five weeks of school left. The remaining "attend-able" events are all in the last week of school—three events where we get to celebrate our son. You'll have to wait to hear what those are! It's going to be a big week of lasts. But also one of celebration: yes, we've made it, we got our boys through "grade school" as Americans like to call it.

 Correction: apparently “grade school” only applies up to grade 8. But “school” applies through to tertiary years. So I’m not sure what to write that everyone would understand. “We got our boys through high school.”?

Sacred pathways spiritual temperaments

I've just finished reading a book called Sacred Pathways by Gary L. Thomas. It's about different "spiritual temperaments". That is, about various ways that people find it more natural to worship God. This is fascinating to me, and consolidates things that I've contemplated over the years as I work and live in an interdenominational environment.

I've found the book helpful for a number of reasons:

This helps with the tendency to be judgemental of people who do things differently to you. I work with a lot of different people from a wide range of backgrounds. It's good to have a better understanding of their perspective when it comes to worship and connecting with God, and to move away from that tendency that "only my 'tribe' does it right".

It's taught me about my Christian background and how that plays into the way I think about worship. I come from a tradition that strongly values intellectualism. I see that in how much emphasis they put on the words of songs, and on concentrating carefully on a complex, often theologically rich sermon. 

The big revelation that I had as I recognised this was the struggle I have every week with worshipping in Japanese. I only grasp small portions of sermons and most Japanese worship songs mean little to me. However, I love singing with my Japanese brothers and sisters. That's not an intellectual activity for me, it's a sense-filled one that I appreciate. Sermons often turn into intellectual activities as I work really hard to understand what's being said, and look up various words, but I don't feel particularly close to God doing this. It's a language learning exercise that wears me out every week.

The book has helped me see that there are other ways to worship. This is really helpful because my background, and also the unspoken emphasis of my organisation, is that "words" are all important. As a writer, I have to agree . . . to some extent. But here's the interesting thing: being at church is important to me. When services were only online during the pandemic, I could barely bring myself to listen to a Japanese worship service from my home. However, I appreciate going to a worship service in person. I can only account for that as being I appreciate the atmosphere, the music and the beauty of the building, I appreciate being in the same space as others who are worshipping, and even the comfort that comes from the familiar rhythm of the elements of a worship service.

The book has taught me other things about me. I would never have called myself an "activist" (in fact I tend to run from confrontation), however the book showed me that a deep passion and involvement in mission work, like I have, is a form of activism. I also wouldn't have picked myself to be an "enthusiast" either, but in mission work we take risks and get to see God work in supernatural ways (like people giving money for the last 21 years for us to serve in Japan). Apparently both these things are characteristics of enthusiasts.

And I was surprised at how strongly I had affinity to caregiving, for example offering rides to people, cooking for them, and helping with needs when I can. I love caring for my own family by providing meals for them, and making sure they have a reasonably clean and tidy house to go about their daily lives in (though I don't take that too far, I get bored too easily with housekeeping).

I also didn't realise how much time in nature and appreciating God's creation was also a way I love to worship God. Though I should have known that, given how I love camping and going to parks, taking care of pot plants, and getting out of the city. Having my work desk in a place where I can see outside, especially seeing green, is also important to me.

Probably this isn't a book for Christians who are new to the faith, or who have a shallow faith. But for someone who has been around a while and has a reasonable grounding in basic truths of the gospel, it's a helpful read. I'm already feeling less guilty about not being the best Japanese student, and more appreciative of those who feel that liturgy or incense or fasting or  drawing is a really good way for them to connect with God.

It's always good to remember that the God of the Bible is a big, humungous God. One that we can't put into boxes. It makes perfect sense that just as he's made so many humans, each one different, that he's able to connect deeply with each one, and never in exactly the same way.

[And a very cool thing: I discovered this book through editing an article by a colleague/friend of mine, then found the ebook in my local Australian public library (Ipswich)!] 

Looking back at 2021

 The last two years I've used some interesting and challenging questions to write this last post of the year, so I'm going to do it again.

David and me enjoying a pre-Christmas
date.

1. What makes this year unforgettable?

• Second year of the pandemic, what can I say...
• Personally we've had tragedy, ill-health, injury, despair, close encounters with suicide, exhaustion, a creative ending to a high school career, lack of clarity about the future, etc. Some, but not much of that was related to the pandemic. Altogether it's made for a very challenging year personally. I'm thankful for a fulfilling job that meant that even when I had no answers for the personal pain we faced, I found joy and purpose in my work, and of course God gave me hope.

2. What did I enjoy doing this year?

• Editing fiction in my spare time. I spent a couple of months early in the year editing a book by a friend of mine. First time to edit a book-length manuscript, first time to edit fiction. It was challenging in a good way and I hope I get another opportunity to do it again in the future (though it would be great if I could devote work-time, rather than spare-tie to such a project).
• Baking and reading: my two passions I've continued to love.
• Camping: we only made it out to two camping trips this year and one of those was shortened due to a typhoon. The pandemic made it difficult to book campsites across prefectural borders and we complicated things by trying to gather a larger group to do it.
• Walking after dinner: this has become one of my favourite things too, most of the time I love catching up with my husband during our 4–5 km walk, and I miss it when weather or work or other events mean we can't do it for a few days.
• Weekly video calls with our eldest son have been really great too. Often one or both of his brothers join and we usually end up playing online board/card games.

3. What/who is one thing/person you're grateful for?

• I'm grateful for a solid marriage, for a husband who is calm and committed to his family, and we've walked through a very hard year shoulder-to-shoulder. Many people don't have that. I'm ever so grateful I do.
• I'm also grateful to my friends. My daily-trio of friends as well as some other women who have emerged as even more precious than they were before.

4. What did you read/watch/listen to that made the most impact this year?

• Mmm. Hard question as usual. Looking at the books I've read (post on Dec 13), I would suggest the Bogel book about overthinking was probably the most impactful. I also have enjoyed listening sporadically to a podcast call Undeceptions, for example the episode about a same-sex-attracted Christian was eye opening and ultimately very encouraging, another episode I posted about here on Friendship was also excellent.

5. What did you worry about most and how did it turn out?

• This is something I can't share here due to protecting the privacy of my family. My worst fear didn't eventuate, but it still might, only God knows.

6. What's my biggest regret?

• Not being able to see my eldest son this year (it's been 2 ½ yrs now).
• I regret not being able to see any Olympics or Paralympics in person, despite living in the city where they were held.
• Not having the emotional energy to do some things that I used to do.

7. What's something that has changed about me?

• I think I've become a little less less zoned in on "what's next" for our boys. I've had a lot of my expectations for them stripped away (expectations I mostly didn't realise I held).
• I did more teaching this year than I've ever done (mostly in the first quarter of the year). I still don't think it's really my wheelhouse, but it was good to have the opportunity to help other adults learn new things.
• I've become even more discerning about who I bare my heart to.

8. What surprised you most this year?

• How many people are rejecting immunisation. Also I've been saddened by Australia's isolationist policy during this pandemic. There are times that it felt like us expats weren't welcome in our home country. And no, I don't wish to have a discussion about this here or on social media. I have steered clear of writing about these things on social media.
• I've also been happily surprised by some of the ways that I've seen my boys grow and change this year. As I wrote in this blog post, it's harder to anticipate when and what milestones older teens and young adults will achieve, but it's just as satisfying (or more) as when they  were learning to walk and talk.
• I was also surprised at how difficult it was to get used to being back in-person after many months of online meeting.

I'm going to add two more questions here: 

9. What Bible truths impacted you this year?

• "Be still and know that I am God" (Ps 46: 10) has been an ongoing theme since mid-2018. But I also spent several hours on an "accidental" retreat considering the whole of Psalm 46.
• Also I've returned again and again to Hebrews 12:1-3 and Isaiah 40. Both are worth looking up and pondering deeply.

10. What meta-themes have you thought about this year? (in no particular order)

• Efficiency isn't necessarily God's way or the best way.
• Letting go of control.
• Walking alongside older teens and young adults as a parent (of course all these first three are related!)
• Lily pads (see here)
• I got to ponder a wide variety topics courtesy of my work for example: pop culture in Japan, technology in ministry, history of the Japanese church, men in the church, the best uses of social media for mobilisation, rest, good editing practices, and macrons and other questions of the romanisation of Japanese (look it up, it'll either fascinate you or bore you).

Highlights:

• Two camping trips, including camping in a new prefecture.
• Several opportunities to spend time with family friends in-person for the day or evening.
• Immunisation against COVID-19 (yes, a highlight)
• Seeing the social media team that I lead continue to forge ahead producing excellent content.
• Editing a fiction book (as mentioned above)
• The new building and sports field at school. I've rarely been there and actually haven't set foot on the oval ("field" for Americans), but it's great to hear about how it's being used.

Lowlights:

• Aforementioned tragedy and ill-health
• Missed opportunities for good fellowship during online meetings, sometimes due to a lack of thinking-outside-the box by event organisers.
• Shortened winter holiday due to an unexpected and dramatic medical event
• Seeing my boys struggle
• Too many online meetings and not enough people-time some weeks.
• Church being online for most of the year.
• Not being able to get to Australia (which meant some thinking outside the box for a few items I'd rather buy in person there).

Other thoughts

Writing: I did plan to write a blog post every month based on a book called Come Closer by Jane Rubietta. I did it for four months, but then failed to finish the rest of the year. In fact this year I've only published 43 blog posts, that's an all time low (my highest output was in 2011 at 369). It's been a busy and stressful year and I've often been tired. I have written two or three articles for each of the four magazines we've published, plus various social media posts and a a couple of online articles for OMF. But really, my writing output has been very low, an indication of how the year has gone, really. There's lots been going on, but much that I can't share with a wider audience and a lack of energy to invest in writing as well. Contrary to that I've done a lot of editing and continue to enjoy working with other people and their writing.

Goals: these were my stated goals for 2021 (in my first blog post this year) and I think I've done okay at these. How we worked towards #1 looked surprising at times to some outside our household, but there were good reasons for what we did. Of course these aren't "SMART" goals, in that they aren't Measurable, but then I think that there is much that needs to be achieved in life that can't be measured easily and isn't short-term.

1. Looking after myself and my household as best I can
2. Taking care to look out for others who are within my circle of influence—keeping my eyes open for opportunities to serve them and others further afield, and
3. Working to the best of my ability in all the tasks that are mine to do.

I have pondered this blog post long enough and it's just getting longer the more I look at it, so it's time to release it into the wild. If you take up the challenge of answering these questions, I'd love to hear your thoughts (privately, if you wish).

More thoughts on friendship

Recently I was searching for something to listen to while I washed dishes. I'm a restless person who struggles with just listening and doing nothing else, so I've been slow at getting into Podcasts (I also don't commute or drive regularly). But there's a few that I've enjoyed dipping my toes into occasionally, and Undeceptions is one. It's a thoughtful, professional presentation on various topics that are often misunderstood or forgotten. The presenter is John Dickson, a Christian who is unafraid to address hard topics. He's an Australian apologist and historian.

The episode I listened to recently (over several sittings) is called "On Friendship". If you've read many of my blog posts over the years you'll know that I think (and write) on this topic pretty frequently. Friends are really important to me. It was great to listen to different perspectives on the topic, and especially men, talking about friendship. Often this is something we mostly hear from women about, so to hear guys talk about male friendship was really good.

I'm reviewing the transcript as I write, to remind myself of what was said, and here are some gems. 

John's guest, Sam Allberry, points out a reference in John 15 where:

Jesus is actually making a distinction between the kind of relationship he's had with his disciples and where things have now progressed to. And when he . . . talks about, "Greater love hath no man for his friend than this, that he laid down his life for him." It's interesting that when he is talking about the greatest expression of love, Jesus reaches for the category of friendship. He doesn't, in that instance, reach for the category of spouse or marriage as we might expect him to. (Like all the quotes in this blog post, it's from the transcript).

They talk about how a dominant cultural narrative is that marriage and sexual or romantic relationships are deemed the most important relationships, the real way to find intimacy. And the church has followed suit on that. Sam says, 

We've made the focus Christian marriage, I think in a way that's become unhealthy. A, because we've downgraded other forms of relationship that actually all of us need, and B, by doing so, I think we've put pressures on marriage that they're not easily going to be able to bear. And as a consequence we've made churches lonelier for people who are not married, whether that's people who haven't yet got married, or people who are divorced, or widowed, or people like me who've never married. Sometimes it feels like it's very hard to fit into a church family, and we use that terminology, if you're not married and don't have your own nuclear family.

We've downgraded other relationships and also sexualised the concept of intimacy. To the point of close friendship often being assumed to be a sexual relationship.

And they talk about the concept of mateship that is an Australian tradition:

I wouldn't necessarily say it's a form of intimacy, because if intimacy is being really deeply known and accepted at the same time, actually that's quite a rare thing. And we can have a lot of friendships, even long term friendships where it's not necessarily on a heart to heart level, and where it can even become awkward if someone is trying to introduce that element. And so we need mateship, that's part of what makes the world go round, and it's a social lubricant. But I think we need more than that.

An old photo of me and a friend with whom 
I've gone deep.

Interesting thoughts, especially today, Remembrance Day (celebrated in many countries as the day the WW1 ended). The Australian stories from wars are full of mateship. It's interesting to ponder the difference between an average mate and one with whom you've formed a deep relationship with.

So many great quotes. They talked about how marriages need friendship:

I've seen marriages implode because they were looking just to the spouse to fulfill every relational and emotional need in their lives. And I think there's a complexity to us whereby actually one other person is not going to be enough. And it's no slight on a wonderful spouse to say, "Actually I need friends alongside my marriage, not in place of it, but alongside it to augment it."

This is definitely true in our marriage and has been made even more clear over the last 18 months as my social circles have narrowed. My husband is wonderful, but he needs me to have friends outside our marriage, and when I spend time with my friends, that actually makes me a better wife and mother.

John quotes also from CS Lewis' The Four Loves, including, that friendship "has no survival value; rather it is one of those things which give value to survival."

Last night it was a real joy to have a close friend of one of my sons visit us last night. To listen to the two of them giggling over their dinner (they had a youth group meeting, which meant they ate later than us) was precious. Even more treasured because they've been separated for five months due to his friend being in the US with his parents. They've survived being apart, but being together again is especially precious.

John also talks about how, in close friendship, there is a beauty about being known through and through with no judgment. No need to pretend you are something different to what you actually are. No need to present yourself in any other way than what you are. I think that's what I'm looking for in close friends: the ability to just relax and not have to put on any kind of act, to feel nervous about being myself or worried that I'll overwhelm the other person.

I think that's one thing that makes me very tired when I've been around a lot of people—that I've had to work so hard to find the right thing to say. I'm quite an intense person (even if it doesn't seem that way when you meet me, I put a lot of energy into interfacing with people). This exhaustion has been even more noticeable after months of not interacting closely with people in person.

I want my friendships to be deep, to both feel safe and to make my friends feel safe as we do life together. I'm encouraged by the recognition that friendship is important, probably more important than our culture and churches tend to make us think. 

Friendship for an expat is even more complicated and challenging than most people experience, and that doesn't improve with age. It's good to be reminded that it's definitely worth putting effort into friendship, even though many of our friendships are short-term, rather than the long-term that we long for.

Short-term friendships

I've been stung. Maybe you have too? 

This is Catherine, one of the friends God has blessed me with
for this season.

Many of the relationships that I've invested in in the past in Japan are either now non-existent, or only exist on social media. I live in an ever revolving door of friendships. That's a common experience for missionaries and exacerbated in our personal situation by our close connection with an international school. (International schools have a higher turn-over even than mission organisations do, although the school we're associated at is not as bad as many in that regard.)

It would be easy for me to decide to stop investing in other people. But it would not be easy to continue to live here if I kept doing that. Yes, I can choose to be careful who I invest in, but I would only hurt myself if I decided that I would not be friends with anyone who I encounter here in Japan.

Newcomers to cross-cultural work sometimes complain that expats who've been round a while are slow to befriend them. I think that is mainly because of the tendency to "sniff them out". To gauge how long they might be likely to stay. To decide who is worth investing time in or not. That's the experience of Christie, the woman who wrote this article.

As she points out, making new friends is exhausting, and giving your heart again and again to others, to only have the pain of saying goodbye to them, is painful.

However, she makes some good points in favour of short-term friendships that are worth considering. Do go and read her article, but I'll expand on some of the reasons that resonate with me:

Gaining different life experience

I've learned so much in this crazy life. I try to get out a map when I'm getting to know people, so I've learned a lot of geography from the many people I've met. I can even tell you that Chicago is nowhere near New York or LA, I've learned that not many people picnic in the park in South Africa (at least I think that's right...that conversation was a while ago), and that Chinese are much more spontaneous than Japanese.

If you're a Facebook friend of mine you'll know that I've also learned a lot about language (it's fun asking word-questions of my friends who come from many different corners of the globe). I've learned about different cultures and had my life enriched in so many ways that I would have missed if I had only lived in one small town my whole life.

Finding peope who understand your expat life

In actual fact I miss having expats around me when we're in Australia. There is a bonding in the common life experience of major life moves, being without family, being an alien in this country, etc. that draws you together. There are things that we don't need to say between one another, yet when we talk with people who've never moved internationally, require lots of explanation.

Fast bonding and spontaneous gatherings

Knowing that that a friendship is almost probably short-term can help you bond quickly and be more spontaneous in gathering. And of course, the prerequisite understanding of the challenges of this life as mentioned above, helps too.

Bonding quickly and having a "seize the day" attitude has been a common experience. I think I've absorbed this so much that I can scare people I meet in Australia by going deep too fast for their comfort level.

Practical benefits

Word-of-mouth is a key way expats stay afloat in a place they're not natives to. Everything from doctors and dentists, to a good grocery store or park. Practically, we're often helping each other with things like a lift to an event, or help during a big more, or just being "family" when family can't be present.

So I continue to be committed to making friends here in Japan. Maybe one day I'll be blessed with opportunities to rekindle some of them longer-term elsewhere. But for now, I'll be content with what I have and not run with fear at the goodbyes that are inevitable.

Astonishing friendships born out of mission work

In the light of trying to write an editorial for the Summer magazine, I've decided that writing here is much easier and definitely preferable at 4.30 on a Thursday afternoon!

I saw this article recently and thought it was worth sharing and commenting on. It focuses on the relationships that develop between missionaries and their financial supporters. But I think it applies to more relationships than just financial supporters. 

People who pray faithfully for missionaries develop a closeness to them that defies understanding. They often only see us a couple of times a decade, yet when we see them it seems like no time has passed—and that's not just a couple of close friends. As is evidenced by the number of private social engagements we end up doing when we're home. During the six months of home assignment in 2018 we had meals or coffee with more than 20 individuals/families who pray for us, most of whom it was hard to say goodbye to when our time was up. And we didn't see everyone we would have liked to, we saw quite a lot more than that last time we did a one-year home assignment!

Of course, we do what we can to foster those friendships and prayer partnerships by providing regular prayer letters that inform them of what we're up to. I'm a lucky missionary in that I enjoy writing and designing these, so our prayer team gets them regularly.

I know that the process of support raising is not just a fearsome one for potential missionaries, but also a rather mysterious one for people in general (I wrote a post a couple of years ago about it here). For us, in a mission that doesn't allow solicitation of funds (i.e. asking for money), it mostly means:

1. Building up relationships that we already have, 
2. Developing new relationships as the Lord leads people to us, and 
3. Doing our best to tell people about what we do—which usually amounts to writing prayer letters and answering their questions when we see them. But I extend that by using social media and my blog.

One of our boys asked me a few years ago how we had so many friends (we were on home assignment at the time and he was a bit tired of visiting with lots of people). I basically told him it was our job. On top of the work we do in Japan, our job includes staying in touch with supporters in Australia and that includes periodically visiting them. 

The whole thing, though, is counterintuitive. It doesn't make good sense in many ways, this model of mission. For example, looking at things from a worldly perspective:

• prayer doesn't make sense in a non-transcendental worldview (I've been working on my vocabulary today in my editorial work and had an article to read about this subject)
• sending people who don't understand the culture or language of a country to work there doesn't make much sense
• after they've gotten a bit of understanding and proficiency, then pulling them out to go back to their home country to meet people and talk about their work also doesn't make good sense in terms of productivity and levels of stress, especially if they have a paying job on the field (as David does)
• working as a volunteer, dependent on the financial gifts of others isn't the most secure way to do anything.

No wonder people don't understand what we do and how we do it. Especially if they don't know the God who sends us on this crazy journey.

I've run out of words. I love the way the article ends:

When he wants to reach a nation, he rarely sends a company of glorious angels. Instead he sends a team of fallible humans. And when he wants to use an individual, he rarely chooses the most gifted, but the most ordinary—propped up by the quiet prayers and tangible love of her friends.

Thank you to all of you who we have astonishing friendships with, born out of what we do. We love you and thank God regularly for you. 

Foil gift

An important value in Japan is to not inconvenience other people (or, another way to say that is: not annoying other people, as I wrote about in a post three years ago). 

As a foreigner, it is not always easy to figure out when you might inconvenience other people and we're still learning. But in a city where space is at a premium, where you put yourself, your children, and your belongings is a serious issue.

But when it comes to doing construction work on your house, you're heading into a land of much inconvenience to others. So we find that construction workers are generally very considerate about things like their vehicles blocking the narrow roads. However, to ward off any potential bad feelings, prior to doing construction it seems that they do an obligatory run around the neighbours to give an apologetic notice accompanied by a gift.

Last year we got a towel from the neighbours behind us. And we got another towel six years ago when a neighbour's fence was being fixed.

This time we got 20m of foil.

A house on our street, about 30 m from ours, has been demolished. It looks like they are going to be building again very soon. The block of land is bordered by two roads, neither of which is very wide. They aren't main roads, but they do get a reasonable amount of traffic on roads that are only about 5m wide. We've caused minor traffic jams by someone stopping near there to pick us up by car. 

Blue rectangle: our house
Red star: the construction site
Green arrow: entrance to kindergarten
Orange arrows: roads

I'll have to write another blog post to explain why there's
white paper suspended from string in the middle of the block!

Obviously, large construction vehicles are going to potentially cause traffic congestion and inconvenience to pedestrians, especially because across the road is a large kindergarten where most kids arrive by bus and on foot. They have a car park, but it is down the street about 50m. 

So, we've received a letter of apology in advance and some foil! I presume the kindergarten and all our neighbours received something similar in the name of keeping neighbourly relationships smooth.

Friendship goal

One thing I've been working on these last six weeks is solidifying commitment to be closer to some friends I already had here in Australia. 

Here's a special long-term friendship. This photo was
taken at the airport on the day we left for the mission
field in November 2000. We spent a weekend with
these friends when we first arrived back in Australia
in July. Friends who we can go deep with
quickly, despite great time between meetings.

It is a goal that came out of visiting the psychologist who consults for our mission. I went to talk to her about learning to better deal with the grief inherent in our cross-cultural lifestyle. She asked a lot of questions about my friendships and realised that though we have worked in the same organisation for 18 years and in the same location for the last 12, my friendships have had a lot of change over the years, even people who seemed that they would be there for the long-haul have had to leave for various reasons.

It's a common experience for people who live an expat lifestyle (check out this article):

Without realizing it, a lifetime of moving has caused me to neglect one of the most important areas in a woman’s life: that of developing close friends. Sometimes instead of shying away from getting to know new people, I actually do the opposite and try to make as many new acquaintances as possible. This is also not a healthy response, as I am avoiding getting close to anyone. (by Kristene, working with Wycliffe)

I'm not sure if things got as bad as that for me, but I have certainly found it a challenge to ask friends about going for a deeper commitment. However, I've been pleasantly surprised by the responses I got.

I've been trying to write this blog post for several weeks. In October I wrote:

Recently I have been talking to some good friends about the topic of "friends". I'm surprised at how little we actually talk about this with friends, but it is also a somewhat scary thing to talk about. Female friendships can be volatile. Any woman who remembers her childhood can tell you that. Any mum of girls can tell you that. Any primary school teacher will no doubt agree. As an adult we like to think that we're past all that volatility, but the risk of being hurt is there, the risk of putting too much emphasis on one friend and then having that fall through is there.

Nonetheless I've made some progress. And I'd have to say that it was timely, given recent events. I've had timely face-to-face times with two special friends in the last week that has helped me stay afloat (mind you both times I was unable to make it through the food that my friends bought for me). And with two other friends I've formed an online "support group" using Messenger. Though we've all been very busy, we've been encouraging one another through some tough stuff (not just my tough stuff). It's been exciting, even heady stuff.

Friends are costly, but also incredibly precious. Sometimes they also take a lot more conscious effort to develop than you might expect, especially in a lifestyle with lots of transition.

I go back to the psychologist next week and am looking forward to telling her about my progress.

Here's another post about friends I wrote a couple of years ago.

Emotional rollercoaster

The last ten days have been full of some ugly stuff for us. Three of the things that have entered our lives, via people we love, are stories that aren't mine to tell but are things experienced by many. Three things that have driven me to tears. Things that we wish didn't exist and make us long for heaven and perfect health and relationships.

The one that we can tell, I wrote about yesterday: the financial situation that means our plans for next year are currently on hold. That has been hard to take also, especially this close to our anticipated return to Japan. After many years of having sufficient support, I guess we probably took it for granted a little and so it was unexpected (not that we've ceased in all the last 20 years to pray for ongoing financial support). 

I've struggled with nausea and appetite during these days. We got the initial financial news last Wednesday just before we went off to one of the highlights of our home assignment: watching a live international cricket match (first time ever). Talk about emotional rollercoasters! I was lucky to get away without throwing up on someone.

In the midst of this rollercoaster, we've still been meeting with people and spent much of Sunday driving to a church on the Sunshine coast and speaking there.

Today we're in the still centre of the storm: we've sent out our prayer letter with the news, we've told our boys, and now we wait until a key finance person comes back from holidays next week and more discussion happens. Meanwhile, we wait and hope and pray. 

And—I need to say—recover. These blows have come at a time when we're feeling pretty weary. We've worked hard to visit many churches and groups in the last 4 1/2 months and are longing for our planned holidays in December. We also long for certainty about the future, but that will have to wait, though a decision will have to be made about our accommodation before Christmas.

Earlier this afternoon I posted a photo of the trunk of the gum tree (and I've used it here too) I can see from my desk in our front yard. I realised that I can't see the whole majesty of this tree from close up, not even my desk that is about five metres from the tree (with a small awning in the way). You have to stand way back off the property to see the whole tree well. Aren't difficulties we encounter like that? We can only see part of the whole. We certainly rarely can see much beauty in them. It takes time and distance to see any good out of them at all. So we wait. We don't know the end of the story of any of the ugly things that have happened in our lives recently and not knowing the end is really hard. But we have to trust.

"I will say of the Lord, 'He is my refuge and my fortress, my God, in whom I trust.'" (Ps 91:2 NIV).

I'm also reminded of the great passage of Romans 8, especially the end: 

"For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons,neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord" (vs 38-39 NIV).

Teenage parenting crumbs

I write to you from the depths of parenting teenage boys. I'm not here to complain, but rather offer some crumbs of encouragement to those of you who are, perhaps, approaching these years with trepidation.

Food's another point of mutual interest that works well
with boys. We've discovered that a trip to a cafe for
a hot chocolate treat is a fun family activity. Oh, and
now I've also got a boy who's interested, particularly,
in food presentation.

It is possible to maintain a relationship with them. At least in my experience, and while we've not got the worst of teenagers in our house, nor do we have the "dream team".

Two big keys for me are:
1. Pick your battles very carefully (not meaning that you don't set expectations).
2. Find what they're interested in, and invest in that to build a bridge.

Pick your battles
This means that we've chosen to ignore some things that others might frown upon. Or set our expectations at different levels to what you might expect.

An example is letting our boys play Pokemon Go. This has had several benefits for them personally that you might not expect, including increased interaction between our younger two, and greater willingness to go outside (a key part of the game and something that one of them was struggling with). 

Find out their interests and get involved
This has meant different things at different times. It's also been more or less difficult for me, depending on the interest of our kids. 

Wrestling is the obvious example with our eldest son. It took a lot of time, but ultimately was really good for our relationship with him as we could talk about what he was interested and spending time doing.

Our middle son's interests have been harder to discern, but movies is one of them. This has been hard for me, because most of the movies he enjoys, I don't naturally lean towards. Getting into Superheros and the Wizarding universe (aka Harry Potter) has been hard for me. It's also not been without conflict as I struggle to understand and they get annoyed when I asked ignorant and annoying questions in my quest (especially in the middle of the movie!). I've walked out of more than one movie (ones that we were viewing at home). But I'm starting to see positives as I gradually get up to speed. It's become a topic I can have something of a conversation about, and been positive for my relationship with my boys.


So there you go, my parenting crumbs for today. Honestly (not that I wasn't being honest before), there's some rough stuff going on for us at present (and not necessarily parenting-related), some of which I can probably tell you another day, others of which I need to keep close to my chest. Please pray for peace amidst some storms that have headed our way recently, and hang about—I'll share here as I can.