Building a bedrock

I read a book a couple of months ago called Looking for God by Nancy Ortberg. I rediscovered it when I was trawling through old blog posts at the writing retreat in May, and decided it warranted a second read. Thankfully it's still in the school library, so I asked my husband to borrow it for me. 

It's definitely not a hard read, but it has some profound stuff in it. One chapter I read, while I was sipping my mid-afternoon coffee, is called "Longings, aches, and pains." The author writes about how we grow in our faith when we lean into the things that are difficult. Choosing, as a Christian to face hard things, to pay attention to them, leads us to God and to discover a greater depth to God's grace and forgiveness and love. To discover that God is a "strong place" who can cope with us when life feels overwhelming.

I have told a few people about a time, late in 2021, when I was angry at God for a short while. I was angry because he allowed one of my sons to have a sudden medical incident that had a significant impact on his life (and ours) in the coming years. In my opinion, the timing was bad. If the incident had happened just three weeks later, the impact would have been significantly less! What has been interesting is seeing people's reactions to my admitting that I was angry at God. It's not something that a "good Christian" readily admits in nice company. I've definitely shocked people by admitting this.

It's not that my faith in God was rocked. I knew he was entirely able to dictate the timing, it was completely within his control, and it didn't make sense to me. But, there're plenty of things that have happened in my life that haven't made sense and I've learned to run to God with my pain and trust him with it rather than trust my understanding. I've learned that he is much bigger than my pain and my anger and able to deal with all that. God's love and care for me is unshakable.

Living a life cross-culturally has meant we're frequently uncomfortable. It's a life that brings on more metaphorical aches and pains than we may have encountered if we'd stayed comfortably ensconced in our home country. It's been harder to sweep these away and ignore them, so I guess you could say we've been forced to go to God more often and with more need than we might otherwise have had. And in doing so we've, in the words of Nancy Ortberg, "slowly buil(t) [a] solid bedrock of God in our souls" and God has begun "building a strong core in our centres, a core made up entirely of Him." (p156, 158)

People sometimes put missionaries up on a pedestal as amazing people. But I think that the truth is probably more that our weaknesses in the face of various difficult things have driven us to God and so that he has built this strong core inside us that is shining forth. It's God, not us, that should be praised. Paul writes about this in 2 Corinthians 4:7: "But we have this treasure in jars of clay to show that this all-surpassing power is from God and not from us."

Nancy Ortberg writes: 

Every longing is an echo, an ache for the perfection that we were created in the image of. If we pay attention to the pain, struggle with it and live in it, we grow. We know God more deeply. He is more real to us and intersects our lives. We understand how we can apply the love God and the power of the Cross to our lives. (p. 154)

My prayer now is that every time I encounter pain and struggles and longings, I will be able to pay attention to them, instead of trying to drown them out or make decisions that mean I'm running away from the pain. And, through living with those things, will allow God to do his work in me, to grow me and through all of this I will come to know God more deeply. It's hard, but worthwhile.

Faulty thinking

Ah, how easily we fall into cause-and-effect thinking, you know, the kind of thinking that goes like: "If I do all the right things, it will turn out okay." It works for some things, but that kind of thinking gets to be very unhelpful when it overflows into things like illness, relationship breakdown, employment loss, and other aspects of our imperfect lives in this imperfect world. Of course you can cause breakdowns in these areas, but there is a surprising amount of stuff that you simply can't control by "being good". Yet we still act as though we can.

Getting some perspective

I've seen parents going out of their minds trying to do a perfect job of parenting. From prior to conception, potential parents are bombarded with "rules" as to how to be the perfect parent. I saw a reel the other day telling me that I should have played a special soothing song to my sons before they were born . . . that we would have had a better time with them as newborns! 

We're told that during the school years to make sure they have plenty of exercise, or to learn an instrument or a language, or to have lots of down time, or to read to them often. And it's implied that they should have perfect behaviour at school and excellent school results, that we need to make sure they've got all their homework done on time and ensure they have time with friends too, not to mention a perfect diet.

Parents are told to develop family traditions and give our kids the best examples. Christian families have a lot of expectations on them too, from family and personal devotions, to church and Youth Group attendance. And of course this isn't new.

Some of our motivation is most likely fuelled by the thought: I will be blessed if I do this. Such is the strength of the myth: "bad things don't happen to good people". And therefore I have to do all in my power to be the best person I can be. And when you're a parent, that puts an awful amount of pressure on you, especially if things go wrong. Sadly many Christian parenting books seem to champion this flawed thinking and seem to completely forget about God's grace. 

When bad things happen, the logical conclusion when you're thinking this way is that "it's my fault" or you start looking around for someone else to blame. But that isn't always the case. How often do we look at others struggling with their children in public and silently judge them, wondering what they did to deserve such misery. And how miserable people are when their kids go off in directions their parents don't want them to or don't take the "expected path". 

So many expectations and so much misery.

People in more prominent positions, like pastors and missionaries suffer too, and possibly more. The expectations seem higher when there are a lot of people watching you.

My husband and I are watching the fifth season of The Crown. It's a historical-fiction series about British royal family and they're currently covering the 1990s, when the family suffered a number of marriage breakdowns, as well as other hardships. The Queen actually publicly described 1992 as her "annus horribilis." We can barely imagine what it's like to live such a high profile life, but you can see the same pattern: perfection is aimed at, failed to be achieved, and people feel the need to blame. A cause-and-effect thought pattern that works well in some aspects of our world, but not so well in others.

Over the last few years we've personally been in a season of "walking beside" our older teens/young adults as they go through difficult times. It's been hard, and we've had to let go of our expectations (many we didn't realise we even had) and seek to find ways to love them unconditionally as well as encourage them.

Those of us who follow the God of the Bible need to be careful. We have a tendency to try to do deals with God: if I'm good, you have to bless me with a hardship-free life. Even if we don't think we think that way, it can so easily slip in. For example, thinking: if I pray hard about something God will have to do something good. If I get parenting right, then my kids will turn out right (turning Proverbs 22:6 into a promise instead of just wise advice: "Train up a child in the way they should go, and when they are old they will not depart from it.")

I was encouraged by a sermon I listened to the other day. The preacher, who has gone through plenty of hardship himself said: "The good news is that you cannot be bad enough to ensure God's condemnation of your family." And "the bad news is that you cannot be good enough to ensure God's blessing on your family . . . the future of your family, for good or ill, is in the hands of God." He finished by asking: What hope is there? Turn to the One who holds the future in his hands and ask him to honour himself through your family. God uses our messes: just look at Jesus' genealogy, it's full of broken families!

This is not an encouragement to be slack, but rather an encouragement to cut yourself some slack. Things will go wrong, when they do, it's not necessarily your fault. And the same for how you quietly think about those around you. 

I've struggled to get my thoughts down on this topic and press Publish. But I hope that it's as helpful to you as it's been to me to think about these things.

Looking back at 2021

 The last two years I've used some interesting and challenging questions to write this last post of the year, so I'm going to do it again.

David and me enjoying a pre-Christmas
date.

1. What makes this year unforgettable?

• Second year of the pandemic, what can I say...
• Personally we've had tragedy, ill-health, injury, despair, close encounters with suicide, exhaustion, a creative ending to a high school career, lack of clarity about the future, etc. Some, but not much of that was related to the pandemic. Altogether it's made for a very challenging year personally. I'm thankful for a fulfilling job that meant that even when I had no answers for the personal pain we faced, I found joy and purpose in my work, and of course God gave me hope.

2. What did I enjoy doing this year?

• Editing fiction in my spare time. I spent a couple of months early in the year editing a book by a friend of mine. First time to edit a book-length manuscript, first time to edit fiction. It was challenging in a good way and I hope I get another opportunity to do it again in the future (though it would be great if I could devote work-time, rather than spare-tie to such a project).
• Baking and reading: my two passions I've continued to love.
• Camping: we only made it out to two camping trips this year and one of those was shortened due to a typhoon. The pandemic made it difficult to book campsites across prefectural borders and we complicated things by trying to gather a larger group to do it.
• Walking after dinner: this has become one of my favourite things too, most of the time I love catching up with my husband during our 4–5 km walk, and I miss it when weather or work or other events mean we can't do it for a few days.
• Weekly video calls with our eldest son have been really great too. Often one or both of his brothers join and we usually end up playing online board/card games.

3. What/who is one thing/person you're grateful for?

• I'm grateful for a solid marriage, for a husband who is calm and committed to his family, and we've walked through a very hard year shoulder-to-shoulder. Many people don't have that. I'm ever so grateful I do.
• I'm also grateful to my friends. My daily-trio of friends as well as some other women who have emerged as even more precious than they were before.

4. What did you read/watch/listen to that made the most impact this year?

• Mmm. Hard question as usual. Looking at the books I've read (post on Dec 13), I would suggest the Bogel book about overthinking was probably the most impactful. I also have enjoyed listening sporadically to a podcast call Undeceptions, for example the episode about a same-sex-attracted Christian was eye opening and ultimately very encouraging, another episode I posted about here on Friendship was also excellent.

5. What did you worry about most and how did it turn out?

• This is something I can't share here due to protecting the privacy of my family. My worst fear didn't eventuate, but it still might, only God knows.

6. What's my biggest regret?

• Not being able to see my eldest son this year (it's been 2 ½ yrs now).
• I regret not being able to see any Olympics or Paralympics in person, despite living in the city where they were held.
• Not having the emotional energy to do some things that I used to do.

7. What's something that has changed about me?

• I think I've become a little less less zoned in on "what's next" for our boys. I've had a lot of my expectations for them stripped away (expectations I mostly didn't realise I held).
• I did more teaching this year than I've ever done (mostly in the first quarter of the year). I still don't think it's really my wheelhouse, but it was good to have the opportunity to help other adults learn new things.
• I've become even more discerning about who I bare my heart to.

8. What surprised you most this year?

• How many people are rejecting immunisation. Also I've been saddened by Australia's isolationist policy during this pandemic. There are times that it felt like us expats weren't welcome in our home country. And no, I don't wish to have a discussion about this here or on social media. I have steered clear of writing about these things on social media.
• I've also been happily surprised by some of the ways that I've seen my boys grow and change this year. As I wrote in this blog post, it's harder to anticipate when and what milestones older teens and young adults will achieve, but it's just as satisfying (or more) as when they  were learning to walk and talk.
• I was also surprised at how difficult it was to get used to being back in-person after many months of online meeting.

I'm going to add two more questions here: 

9. What Bible truths impacted you this year?

• "Be still and know that I am God" (Ps 46: 10) has been an ongoing theme since mid-2018. But I also spent several hours on an "accidental" retreat considering the whole of Psalm 46.
• Also I've returned again and again to Hebrews 12:1-3 and Isaiah 40. Both are worth looking up and pondering deeply.

10. What meta-themes have you thought about this year? (in no particular order)

• Efficiency isn't necessarily God's way or the best way.
• Letting go of control.
• Walking alongside older teens and young adults as a parent (of course all these first three are related!)
• Lily pads (see here)
• I got to ponder a wide variety topics courtesy of my work for example: pop culture in Japan, technology in ministry, history of the Japanese church, men in the church, the best uses of social media for mobilisation, rest, good editing practices, and macrons and other questions of the romanisation of Japanese (look it up, it'll either fascinate you or bore you).

Highlights:

• Two camping trips, including camping in a new prefecture.
• Several opportunities to spend time with family friends in-person for the day or evening.
• Immunisation against COVID-19 (yes, a highlight)
• Seeing the social media team that I lead continue to forge ahead producing excellent content.
• Editing a fiction book (as mentioned above)
• The new building and sports field at school. I've rarely been there and actually haven't set foot on the oval ("field" for Americans), but it's great to hear about how it's being used.

Lowlights:

• Aforementioned tragedy and ill-health
• Missed opportunities for good fellowship during online meetings, sometimes due to a lack of thinking-outside-the box by event organisers.
• Shortened winter holiday due to an unexpected and dramatic medical event
• Seeing my boys struggle
• Too many online meetings and not enough people-time some weeks.
• Church being online for most of the year.
• Not being able to get to Australia (which meant some thinking outside the box for a few items I'd rather buy in person there).

Other thoughts

Writing: I did plan to write a blog post every month based on a book called Come Closer by Jane Rubietta. I did it for four months, but then failed to finish the rest of the year. In fact this year I've only published 43 blog posts, that's an all time low (my highest output was in 2011 at 369). It's been a busy and stressful year and I've often been tired. I have written two or three articles for each of the four magazines we've published, plus various social media posts and a a couple of online articles for OMF. But really, my writing output has been very low, an indication of how the year has gone, really. There's lots been going on, but much that I can't share with a wider audience and a lack of energy to invest in writing as well. Contrary to that I've done a lot of editing and continue to enjoy working with other people and their writing.

Goals: these were my stated goals for 2021 (in my first blog post this year) and I think I've done okay at these. How we worked towards #1 looked surprising at times to some outside our household, but there were good reasons for what we did. Of course these aren't "SMART" goals, in that they aren't Measurable, but then I think that there is much that needs to be achieved in life that can't be measured easily and isn't short-term.

1. Looking after myself and my household as best I can
2. Taking care to look out for others who are within my circle of influence—keeping my eyes open for opportunities to serve them and others further afield, and
3. Working to the best of my ability in all the tasks that are mine to do.

I have pondered this blog post long enough and it's just getting longer the more I look at it, so it's time to release it into the wild. If you take up the challenge of answering these questions, I'd love to hear your thoughts (privately, if you wish).

Waiting with grace?

I started this blog post a couple of weeks, just after I sent out our latest prayer letter. Writing (mostly) monthly prayer letters is something I've been doing for over 23 years now. It's a useful time to reflect on the month past and look toward the month ahead. It would be a normal month when we look back at the calendar and say: "Wow, that only happened this month!" Of course at the end of the calendar year it's traditional to look back also, so I included this brief paragraph at the start of our letter:

For many, including us, this has been a hard year. There are many things that have happened differently to what we’d hoped or planned for. How are you coping? We’ve found comfort in doing the daily things that God’s given us to do and leaning hard on him in prayer about the things that we wish were different. As we come to the end of this year we know that God’s been with us the whole way, holding us and helping us. Let’s acknowledge the hard things, but also be quick to thank God for all he’s done and the hope he continues to give us.

This has been a year of disappointments and angst. Also waiting. That theme has continued to pop up for me in various places. How do we wait and do it with grace? Recently, a friend asked: How do we Christians do it with our hearts right with God, resting in his Sovereignty?

Waiting isn't new to me. I guess we all know about waiting, but somehow missionary life brings a different angle, maybe even a greater challenge to waiting. Just getting to Japan meant disappointment and waiting (we were turned down two, nearly three times for a lack of financial support in 2000). Every time we go on home assignment we wait to find accomodation and wheels, last time we left Japan without an address to go to in Australia. The last two times we've been on home assignment, we've waited for house sitters for this place in Tokyo too. With limited financial resources, we're thrown on the generosity of others more than perhaps we would have been if we had remained in Australia in higher paying jobs.

In some ways it's easier to describe what waiting badly looks like. A lot of times it's due to attitude. Waiting badly can look like complaining, it can look like frantic activity to fill the blank left or to distract ourselves. It can also look like scheming to "fix" the problem and manipulate the situation so that it "works". It can look like worry and even physical sickness that's induced by worry. It can look like insomnia or tears. And yes, I know this because I've got personal experience in waiting badly!

But of course you can't look at someone and easily determine if they are waiting well or badly! However, by talking to them, you might get a glimpse.

Good waiting, in my experience, is much more peaceful. There's a quiet trust in God that this too is in his plan. Waiting well doesn't mean inactivity, but rather seeking what is the right thing to do now. That's been a big challenge for us this year as we've waited, especially, to see how God would guide us for the next steps for our nearly-adult kids.

One key to waiting well is to find pleasure in the now. Find ways to enjoy your current situation. Don't forgo celebration, instead seek out reasons to celebrate, reasons to give thanks. Another key is to find ways to serve others, within our limits, of course. When you're waiting it's easy to turn inwards, to be selfish and self absorbed. But when we turn our thoughts upwards to God and outwards to others we gain a better perspective on our situation.

Some lights we often walk past at night. This
is a little unusual in Japan.

We're about to go away for our traditional pre-Christmas holiday. I've been waiting for this break for too long. I'm thankful God's given me the strength to make it through to now and that I'm not a messy heap on the floor. But I'm also glad he's given me things to do while I waited that kept my eyes off myself (most of the time).

I don't know what you're waiting for, but I do know the Lord who can help. Don't miss him in the midst of the wait.

If you're interested, here are three other blog posts I've written on waiting:

I told our waiting-to-come-to-Japan story is here (a summary, really).

The value of waiting for your prayers to be answered: http://mmuser.blogspot.com/2015/05/the-other-end-of-answered-prayer.html

Waiting expectantly, but like a jellyfish: https://mmuser.blogspot.com/2021/04/waiting-expectantly.html

Disappointment doesn't have to get us down

I have a blogosphere friend who has been disappointed repeatedly about big things in the last couple of years. A lot of the disappointment has centred around children, family, and other people. She's been really knocked around. She has also been diagnosed with post natal depression.

I remember my first big failure. It was in my last year of my university degree and I failed a 7-week prac. placement. Wow, that really threw me. It came in the context of a number of other disappointments, including a fall from the heights of a short-term missions trip back into the reality of not-so-perfect church life in Australia.

Nevertheless the first time I realised that even things that seemed perfect and right, dreams that we'd held as young people, could change was when I discovered that the marriage of a very good friend and the husband of her youth were in serious trouble. I'm thankful to say that they've pulled through that difficult time, but for a long time we didn't know how this would turn out.

Since then I've recognised more clearly that life is full of disappointment. That we should almost expect it. We've seen other good friends have breakdowns, divorce, extra marital affairs, miscarriages. In our circles of friends, family, and mission colleagues there's been cancer, death, suicide, kids with disabilities, churches split, people walk away from God, missionaries who have to go home, etc. I'm shocked every time, especially when I see Christians behaving in ways that I would never have guessed they could. Now in my 40s I much more aware of how broken our world it and how many dreams fail.

It's easy to get very negative about it all, but there is one thing in life that doesn't disappoint and this article says it very well. It points out that even things that we really look forward to disappoint us, because they don't live up to our expectations in one way or another. And then we feel guilty because we're not happy in what we have and desire more. Or we disappoint ourselves despite our fervent vows that we'll do better next time when we mess up again.

But Paul says in Romans 5:3–6 that it is hope in the promises of God, in the promise of a sure eternity in heaven, that does not disappoint us. We hope, not in vain like we do for things on earth, but with certainty.

Here's a couple of other "hope" passages: 

"So that by two unchangeable things in which it is impossible for God to lie, we who have taken refuge would have strong encouragement to take hold of the hope set before us. This hope we have as an anchor of the soul, a hope both sure and steadfast" Heb 6:18, 19a, NASB.

"Then you will know that I am the Lord; those who hope in me will not be disappointed" Isaiah 49:23b, NIV.

The other night I came across this verse in my regular Bible reading, I found it so rich in meaning. What a beautiful prayer.

"May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit" Romans 15:13, NIV.

So, in the disappointments that come our way or well-up within us, let us remember that this isn't how God meant the world to be, this broken world isn't his ideal. That's all still to come in his good time.

Disappointed

One day we'll understand the troubles we go through now,
 but for now it's as if we are looking through grubby glass.

Our daily Bible reading notes usually has a single, sometimes pithy, sometimes redundant or corny statement at the bottom. Today it was disappointing.

Jesus is the only friend who will never disappoint you.

Just quickly without thinking hard I could think of several people (most of whom are friends) who haven't had their prayers answered: two whose spouses have died young this year, one who desires joy but never seems to get it, one who has post-natal depression for the second time despite all precautions, and one who is lonely, despite many people around her, one who wishes her job were easier, even though she works for a Christian organisation, and another who yearns to be married. 

Those represent only a smattering, of people I know about or who've confided in me in recent months. I'd want to bet that there are many more out there, or perhaps everyone who's had something that they've desperately prayed about not answered in the way they wanted.

Philip Yancey's Disappointment with God delves deeply into this.

So clearly there are problems with the above quote. Everyone I mentioned above are Christians. 

Jesus is indeed the perfect friend, the only perfect friend, in that he doesn't ever do evil against us. But because we aren't perfect and we don't live in a perfect world bad things happen. In God's great wisdom he's using all this imperfection for his good purposes, but we don't necessarily know what that is. And it often hurts.

On Sunday one of David's colleagues preached about the Bible metaphor of God as the potter and us as the clay. It was great to hear a live sermon in English (I often listen to a  recording of a sermon from our home church during the week). But the metaphor is such a good one, and as a lover of pottery and the husband of a potter, he was able to give extra insight.

This image appears in several places in the Bible. Some examples are Romans 9:21 "Does not the potter have the right to make out of the same lump of clay some pottery for special purposes and some for common use?" and Jeremiah 18:4 "But the pot he was shaping from the clay was marred in his hands; so the potter formed it into another pot, shaping it as seemed best to him."

The preacher on Sunday pointed out that if we were to imagine ourselves as clay being formed into a piece of pottery, there's a lot of rough stuff that happens during the process.

It is a helpful analogy when feeling that Jesus isn't appearing to be the perfect friend that you want. He's not just a friend, he's our creator, Lord, and is in the business of forming us into the vessels he wants us to be.

So I object to the simplistic statement that Jesus is the only perfect friend. He is perfect and he is a friend, but he's much more than a friend. And from our limited and flawed perspectives he can appear very imperfect indeed.

Do not be discouraged. Jesus' love for us is very great, greater than a best friend.

For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord (Romans 8:38-39). 

Disappointment

We didn't get to the cricket on Saturday. We almost made it to the Gabba (cricket ground), though.

On Saturday it rained and eased and rained again. The radar showed the rain depression heading across the city fairly quickly in the morning, but then it hung around and hung around. We went to wrestling training and the gym (David and I) as usual, prepared to go straight on to the cricket via Maccas for lunch. The training/gym is 30 min from our house, but closer to the Gabba. That was Plan A.

We got as far as Maccas for lunch, then launched into Plan B: returning home, planning to leave again when it looked likely that the rain would ease and the match would start. Thus began a long afternoon of "Should we go, or should we wait a little longer?"

We ended up leaving at about 3.30/4, in desperate hope. The groundsmen needed 2 hrs to mop up the outfield before play could begin and local restrictions on events meant they could start no later than 5.30pm.

We drove to a train station closer to the event, caught a train, then changed to a bus. (Public transport was free with our tickets and parking near the venue difficult, so this was always the plan.) As we drove, David and I grew more pessimistic, the showers continued.

When we got to the bus stop, one of our boys noticed a "colour-coordinated family" several metres away. Turns out they were Bangladeshi supporters and we ended up sitting with them on the bus, as well as another hopeful Aussie. There was encouragement in the camaraderie of mutual "cricket craziness", for it was still showering at times.

A bright spot in this whole saga was the little Bangladeshi boy, about three or four years old that we sat with on the bus. He was happy to tell me his favourite player (Shakib Al Hasan) and introduce me to "his baby" (baby in their pram, also dressed in team colours).

Confusion reigned as we arrived at the bus-stop closest to the Gabba. We were trying to get off, but a bunch of Bangladeshi supporters were trying to get on. And yes, when I checked the website after we alighted, the match had been called off!

Oh, the disappointment. The boys, who'd already been fractious because of the uncertainty of the day, didn't quite know how to deal with this new disappointment, especially our most cricket-crazy son, our nine-year-old.

I fairly quickly realised that though this was a deep disappointment for me personally (I'd been looking forward to this for months and hoping for this opportunity for years), it was an opportunity to help the boys learn how to cope with a relatively minor disappointment. 

Our consolation.

I'm not sure how we did, though we did talk about it as we waited for the train home. I named the feelings and pointed out that it is a part of life. I especially noted that compared to other disappointments, this wasn't so big (like the extreme "disappointment" of seeing a loved one dying young, we have a real-life example of this in our extended family just now).

In the meantime I came up with a consolation-prize. We took our sandwiches to South Bank, an urban recreational area near the train station, for a dreary picnic. Then we finished off with something a bit special. A chocolate "cafe" with fancy desserts. Definitely a nice consolation.

I also discovered later with a quick web search, that we could attend an interstate cricket match for free next month, although it is not as high a profile and it is not quite as exciting a format (four day match), it will at least be real, live cricket.

However, I was still feeling the disappointment the next day when we woke up to a gorgeous blue sky. Beautiful weather for a cricket match (though there were occasional showers later).