What do you do to relax with your teenage boys?

I was going to say that I was "side-swipped" by this question in my two-year-review, but perhaps that's putting it too strongly. My reviewer had noticed that all my answers to the question about how I relax were things I did on my own or with David.

After a moment or two I replied, "Well obviously camping is something we do all together that is relaxing. But it's increasingly hard to get at least one of them out of the house. So much of our relaxing is done at home individually." (And often with electronics). So much of their time is spent at school and doing sport, that leaving home (especially for the strongly introverted one) isn't so appealing.

During our summer holidays this year we camped at a
campground that had pet jumbo rabbits. It was fun to see the
boys interacting with these unusual pets.

They do enjoy board games (though games that I don't really enjoy), and sometimes that's something that they do in a group when they have more spare time, like during the summer or Christmas holidays. I don't always join in, though, because I usually frustrate them by asking too many questions about the rules or by being too slow and making decisions (because I can't keep all the rules in my head). During those longer breaks we often watch movies together too, but not during the school term, it's too busy!

As I've thought about it since, I realised that some other ways we relax as a family is by going out for a meal or for "coffee". It doesn't happen very often, but it does happen. More rarely is a trip to a friend's house or to a park (we did go with friends to a park in August and also in July). But to a degree, being involved on Saturdays at their sporting events is something done somewhat together and is more or less relaxing!

I tried taking them out this morning for a doughnut on the way home from church but it wasn't so successful. Two boys had just has a mild disagreement and the mood wasn't so great. Trying to create conversation just didn't work so well. Such is life with teens. Sometimes the going is good, sometimes it isn't. 

At lunch just a couple of hours later, conversation wasn't so bad, until the topic of farting came up. It got so bad that I said, "The next person who uses that word will have to finish lunch on the stairs."

David came home this evening after a week of travel to Oregon for training for software he uses in his job. I'm so glad to have him back. He says that life here is quiet when I'm gone. I'd say that it's maybe not quite so quiet when he's gone, but I certainly find that a second adult around to contribute to conversation is extremely helpful. They aren't usually all grunts and eye rolls (though we still do get those), and I think there are more bright spots than there used to be, but we're still a way away from regular engaging conversation.

But I've drifted from my original topic. For those of you who have teenagers, what do you do (or did you do, if they're older now) to relax with your teens?

Parenting and overdoing it

I'm sitting around at 5pm on a Friday, trying to figure out what to put here on this blank page. All I can think about is how much time parenting still takes, even though my boys are 17, 14, and 11. 

Grocery shopping is one part of my life influenced by how
many kids I have in my family and how much they eat. 

This afternoon, with two boys gone on school trips (and my husband too), it is all too quiet around here. It makes me think about how much time I usually spend in my day doing things that I only do because I have children (or, perhaps more of what I would normally do, such as grocery shopping or food preparation which takes longer because there are five of us). 

I guess I should start getting used to it. It won't be too long before we are one boy less, with our eldest son graduating in June and heading back to Australia next February and from then on things just gradually decrease, with my youngest, Lord willing, graduating in just six more years.


Because, as a mum, children take up so much of your time over so many years, it is easy to fall into the trap of feeling that that it is your purpose, your main reason for being on this earth, and that there is nothing else worth doing. Yet, it is not so. I had a life before I had kids. (They're always surprised to hear that.) It's going to take some rediscovering, but I'll have it again—a life without kids in it on a daily basis. After 24 years of parenting it will take some getting used to, but I'm already dreaming about the possibilities.

Now the challenge: can I transition from that train of thought into what I really want to post today?

Here's my transitioning thought: because parenting takes up more time than you think, it's easy to take on too much outside the family. 

This is especially true for cross-cultural workers. I had lunch with four other mums from our mission today. We've got kids across a range of ages: from  twenty-two down to four years old. We talked about this and generally agreed that parenting as a cross-cultural mum takes more time and emotional energy that it would if we were in our home countries. This is especially around times of major transition.

Earlier this week I saw this post that talks about the need for caution when it comes to taking care of ourselves, especially as those in cross-cultural ministry.

I was shocked a few years ago when I read that someone was calling for more accountability of cross-cultural workers, that the writer's experience included many who were lazy, who weren't wise in how they spent their time, and that the churches supporting them needed to call them to account. That is not my experience at all. 

Most cross-cultural workers I see tend to have trouble stopping. At least that is the case in Japan. They need to be urged to take holidays and retreat times. They need articles like the one I've linked to above to remind themselves to take care of themselves.

Here's quote from the article:

I must choose each moment to live above the guilt and rest in the certainty that God loves me more than he needs me. If I disable myself by recklessly overdoing, I do a disservice to Him and to those who love me.

It makes me think of parenting again. If I get into the mode of thinking my purpose is to be a mum, if being needed by them is my main reason for living, that leads to a bad place. And it isn't helpful for the phase of life that I'm standing on the precipice of: when my boys won't "need" me as intensely and daily as they used to.

Someone else who has written about slowing down recently is our Japan Field Director. He's been battling two types of blood cancer for about a year now. He's currently recuperating at home after a particularly rigorous round of chemo and a stem-cell transplant. He's a high achieving fellow, who, by his own words, used to "whizz...around like a hare". These days life for him is more like the famous tortoise. Here are some of the words from a Facebook post of his earlier in the month:

All of this has got me thinking about what it means to slow down. And it has got me thinking about what the Bible has to say about the pace of life. Certainly when you ponder the Bible generally, there are many examples of ‘waiting’ and ‘perseverance’, topics I've explored in earlier musings. The word ‘patience’ or ‘patiently’ comes up not a few times. But when I thought of the word ‘slow’ I couldn't think of many specific examples apart from a few well-known verses. So, the Lord is slow to anger. In the same way, we should be slow to anger and slow to speak (but quick to listen!) Peter speaks about slowness towards the end of his second letter in the context of time - with the Lord a day is like a thousand years and a thousand years like a day. 

As I considered this more, I came across this translation of Jeremiah 2:25. It's from The Message, so a paraphrase but nonetheless it makes the point very graphically - “Slow down. Take a deep breath. What's the hurry? Why wear yourself out? Just what are you after anyway? But you say, 'I can't help it. I'm addicted to alien gods. I can't quit.'” We may not be addicted to ‘alien gods’ but could we simply be addicted to activity and busyness? And all of that could just be a ‘chasing after the wind’ as one of the Bible’s wisdom books puts it. Or as one of the Psalms says - ‘in vain you rise early and stay up late’. There are quite a few ‘ouch’ passages in the Bible when we measure them against what our daily lives are actually like.

Many of us these days seem to live life simply moving from one thing to the next with little time in between to catch our breath, far less having time to reflect, meditate or even spend some unrushed time with God. And that can creep into family life, church life, corporate life, organisational life. There is so much to keep up with. But that begs some questions. Why do we need to keep up with the things we feel we need to keep up with? And are the things that we strive to keep up with the things we really need to be keeping up with at all? One valuable lesson that can be learned in the slow lane is simply to be able to take stock, reassess and consider what the priorities in life really ought to be. 

None of this is to say we should be lazy or live a life of constant leisure. There is plenty the Bible can teach us about that. But for a follower of Jesus, what should mark us out as different, what are the things that day by day should be core to our lives? Certainly we would want to serve him wholeheartedly and live our lives in a way that brings glory to his name. But while we might desire to be ‘about the Lord’s work’ to use an older phrase, that does not seem to me to mean that we should simply be dashing around in a constant blur of activity. As I have this time in the slow lane, I sometimes wonder whether as Christians, as churches, as mission organisations, we can easily get off track because we are so busy and active that we can actually no longer see the wood for the trees. And I know that as I say that, I am gradually needing to remove the plank from my own eye (if a tortoise can have a plank in its eye). Being forced to slow down is teaching me many things. I just hope I can apply these lessons well if I ever reach the point once again when I am healthy, energy-filled and able to be active. Help me God even then to be still and know that you are God.

Hmm, good words to ponder. I've got a quiet weekend coming up. I am not good at being still, I get bored easily, though I am quite tired right now. I'm praying that God will help me to be still a bit this weekend, and not too restless.

Precious gifts

I'm feeling tired and unproductive today. There's lots to do (two magazines currently in production for example), but I'm struggling to concentrate. A friend told me last week to be kind to myself and that grief is a tricky thing. Good advice for this season. But not easy for this hyperactive, busy, slightly obsessively introspective and conscientious person to take. 

Team Marshall! Even pizza making is a team event. I make the
base and David usually does the topping.

I did have a prearranged appointment for a massage this afternoon, so that's been a good excuse to get out of the house and relax. Now I sit in a bakery with a coffee and type this on my little phone (at least the first draft)!

I'm trying to prioritise the most urgent things. I bemoaned my grubby floors yesterday and my husband kindly said, "Forget about it, the day your slippers stick to the floor instead of your foot is the day you should worry about that."

Here's another suggestion from a friend. (Edited by a
thoughtful teen.)

So the most urgent is my criteria. And one "urgent" thing is staying afloat myself as the only parent present here till Sunday. 

God has graciously given me a precious gift. Tomorrow begins an annual event that I look forward to every year in Japan. It was something I had to potentially let go of to let David go to his father's funeral. But God's given it back to me. 

The event is a women's retreat, but not just any retreat, it's a retreat full of friends who are doing the same as me: ministering in Japan, most of them with Japan as a home-away-from-home. I accepted last Thursday that I might not be able to go. But mentioned it to the two ladies in my writing group (we regularly share prayer requests with one another). One of them specifically prayed that there would be a way I could get to this retreat, knowing it is a vital part of helping me to stay "healthy" spiritually as well as emotionally. 

The next day I got an email from a family at CAJ who also have three boys. They offered to have our boys for the duration of the retreat! The remaining piece of the puzzle was for the boys to agree to this. I knew one of them would be reluctant, but after raising it first with him and then with them all we agreed on a compromise: that I would be able to go for one night. 

David and I are a team, a tight knit team. It is hard to be apart, especially at a time like this. Being able to go and spend time with friends and in the Word at this time is so precious it is hard for me to type this without tears. I'm so thankful for this selfless gift and answer to the prayer of a friend I've never met (she lives in Florida). 

There are more precious gifts:

• someone to look after our youngest son while I take the middle one to the orthodontist on Friday afternoon,
• financial gifts to help cover travel costs,
• friends who I had text/Facetime conversations with on Thursday and Friday,
• a friend and colleague of my husband's who drove him to the airport yesterday,
• my parents who have decided to drive all day tomorrow to get to the funeral,
• health for all (not to be taken for granted, it is flu season here, and David and I have been jumping in and out of winter and summer during February, and
• multiple emails and messages from colleagues, friends, prayer supporters.

"Command those who are rich in this present world not to be arrogant nor to put their hope in wealth, which is so uncertain, but to put their hope in God, who richly provides us with everything for our enjoyment. Command them to do good, to be rich in good deeds, and to be generous and willing to share." (2 Tim. 6:17-18, NIV) 


Praise God for his good and precious gifts.

"He who did not spare his own Son, but gave him up for us all—how will he not also, along with him, graciously give us all things? (Rom 8:32, NIV)

A bit of a rough time

February's been crazy for us. Even crazier than we thought possible. The added element was my father-in-law was diagnosed in late January with end-stage cancer. David rushed back in early February to say good bye one last time, at that stage his dad was in good spirits and had no pain. Alas that was all to change quickly in the last week and he passed away on early Thursday morning.

Part of the Bangkok airport, 9.30 at night.

If you've been reading here, you'll know that I was in Bangkok at the time at a training workshop. David was in Tokyo alone with the boys. Thankfully we've both had caring people around us to support us through and we're coping okay.


Thursday was a rush of figuring out details. Especially travel details. Facebook Messenger is somewhat controversial, but I am so thankful for it (and free wifi); it allowed our families to communicate as freely as was possible with us in three different countries. David's family were able to set a funeral date taking David's travel into consideration and he didn't need to rush straight back to Australia. Indeed he chose to wait a few days so that he could see me before he left. 

These orchids at the airport were tiny, about
an inch or so.

I flew back overnight on Friday, landing just after 6am and got through immigration and customs very quickly, Narita Airport was very quiet. Next stop was a coffee shop to fortify me for my journey home, but I arrived 10 minutes before they opened. Thankfully nearby there was a vacant large square shaped seating area. It's a first for me: lying down outside a coffee shop waiting for it to open! I sat in the coffee shop for about an hour before I felt able to carry on to catch trains across Tokyo (two hours worth of journeying).

I arrived home just after 10am. Absolutely exhausted: I only got an hour of sleep twice during the night. I went up to bed pretty quickly and found I was shaking from exhaustion. It wasn't till mid-afternoon that I felt a little bit functional. I've never had jet-lag but I know that it must be compounded by sheer travel-fatigue. Especially when you've flown overnight.

The fuel that helped me get back home from the airport on
nearly no sleep. I was so exhausted and on the verge of
nausea that it took a long time to eat that delicious cinnamon
roll. I didn't even finish it!

David doesn't fly until tomorrow night (Monday). I'm thankful we have been able to have a couple of days of "normality" with the five of us home. Today is only the fifth day of all of us being in Tokyo all day since Feb 5th!

So, I have one more week of single parenting. I think I might set up a big visible countdown! After next Sunday we have no more planned overseas trips, nothing at all, not even planned trips for any of us (separately) within Japan. I'm looking forward to sinking back into "normal life".

The value of a mother

Well of course I had to put a wrestling photo with this! Being
a mum supporting my kids as they play sport (or what ever
thing it is, for example music, is very important. The value
of presence is easy to overlook. Your presence at their
sporting events speak volumes about your
love for them. And if you can't be present, at the very least
your interest, your enquiries as to how it was, do not go
unnoticed by our kids.

I have been functioning as a single mum (basically) for 11½ of the last 14 days. It isn't fun, but I've had much worse times with David away (though never as long). Now the boys are older it is a lot easier. But I still get stuck at times, without any other parent to lean on or consult with it can be really tiring and it's easy to lose perspective (evidence: my blog post two days ago).

In the next two weeks I'm getting my parenting "holidays"; it's my turn to go away. On Sunday I leave for Bangkok to receive some leadership training with our mission. I'll be back next Saturday. Then the week after that I go away to a Women in Ministry retreat for two nights—finally we have a one of us going away, but not overseas, this retreat is in far western Tokyo!

I saw this article today by a guy (Jason Ingle) encouraging us mums (especially those of us who are parenting in cultures we didn't grow up in) not to doubt our value as mums. It is easy, in whatever living situation you are, to devalue your importance as a mum.

Why?

1. When they're tiny they are so needy, in fact they remain very needy for many years. But in their neediness they don't express much gratitude. 
2. The things you do as a mum you do over and over again. The rewards are slow in coming and many days you wonder if you've achieved anything at all. It's easy to wonder if you have no value.
3. One thing often comes with teenagers is a certain disdain for their mothers. It's part of growing up and gaining independence. In a quiet, sane moment I understand that. But it still hurts and adds further fuel to the feeling that your role as a mum is not so important.
4. As they get older they aren't quite so obviously needy (although any teenager who can't find their clothes, or who doesn't get a reasonable meal after a long day at school would probably disagree). But the day-in day-out drudgery of motherhood continues. It just looks a little different.
5. I use that word "drudgery" purposefully. That is what it often feels like and the work never seems to end. You begin to wonder, even as they start to tower over you, if your job as their "carer" will never end. Will all this training, all this work I've put into parenting this child ever produce an adult who can take care of themselves and be a valuable member of society?

And that's just a few reasons.

I've been a mum now for nearly 17 years. I still need the assurance that the article I've linked to provided.

Yes, you are important, you are necessary. It's easy for those of us who are "paid" to do "ministry" to feel as though being a mother is cheating somehow, that we need to do a lot of work outside the family in order to be valuable, to be worth what we're "paid".

To anyone feeling that way, Jason writes:

Moms, you are valuable, even when you don’t hear it from the rest of the world very much. You are valuable even when you look around and are tempted to believe the lie that you have nothing to contribute to the “real ministry” happening around you. Being a mother IS full time ministry!

But even more importantly:

As I’ve said before and will repeat until I die, no matter your role or stage of life, when you wonder about your value you need to look to only one place: the cross. At the cross the creator of this universe sacrificed His only Son because He values you. Your value comes not from what you do, but who you ARE in Him because of what He already did. He also highly values your role as a mother. 

My life verse for parenting is: 

"Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up" (Galatians 6:9, NIV).

Neck-deep

I'm neck-deep and struggling to make headway. Here are the main factors:

Me at my editing/writing work-station today.

• David and our eldest son are away at a huge three-day wrestling tournament in Korea. David's been great at shooting me short texts with results. Our son has wrestled six times in the last day and a half. I love the news and crave the news (it's hard not being there), but it's also disrupting my concentration. Oh, and our son hasn't done as well as I'd hoped, so that messes with me too.

• Because David's away I have more responsibilities at home, as usual, so I'm busier than normal. Plus, I've not slept super well (wrestling tournaments seem to do that to me whether I'm there or not).

• In the last week I've had 20 articles submitted for the next issue (Spring) of the magazine I edit. That happens four times a year and always makes me feel time pressured. I've given these writers deadlines, it feels bad if I'm late in dealing with the articles, as if I've pressured the writers unnecessarily. Additionally, the whole process of getting the magazine out is a process, and if I'm late, that has a domino effect on the whole magazine (and team).

• I've got the other two boys home for their "Winter Break". It means we get sleep-ins and can be more flexible about bedtimes, but it complicates my days in terms of getting my editing done.

• The Winter issue is currently with the design team and they keep coming up with questions about editing, good questions...probably things we should have dealt with earlier, but they're intruding into my already dodgy concentration.

• I'm going away to Bangkok on Sunday for a week of training, so I've been trying to make bigger meals to freeze for dinners for the family next week. More cooking than usual and more washing up with no husband to help out.

So, no more blogging (or whinging) for me . . . back to editing land and hoping that I can make a little better progress in what is left of my afternoon.

Single parent hat is on

Good memories of Christmas with my
in-laws in 2014.

From today I have my single parent hat on for most of the next two weeks. David's flying to Australia this evening to spend time with his dad and family (see why here). He gets back next Thursday late and flies again next Sunday with the wrestling team to their international three-day meet in Korea. The latter has been planned for some time, the former only two days ago.

I don't like being a single parent. If you've read my blog for long you'll know that (see here), but admittedly it is getting easier as they get older.

But just like choosing to come back to Japan in obedience to our call even when my feelings weren't there yet last year, I choose to do this without protesting (though I may complain about my boys on occasion). I choose to be thankful for my husband who we love so much that he is greatly missed when he is away. And I pray he will be a blessing to his family and others he encounters while he's away. 

I also pray that he will have all the energy he needs. Just the journey there is arduous: two nights, three planes, three or more trains, and a 300+km car trip at the end.

I've also just rediscovered this song, I think I'll be playing it a few times in the coming days.

Multiple emotion days

I saw this today on someone's Facebook page. It was contrasting men and women, but that's not why I put it here. 

I'm usually fairly steady in the emotion department. But it's in these times of transition that I experience more strong emotions over the course of a day than usual. Add to that a teenager who's struggling with assignments, a husband who's away, and a bit of illness and you end up with days like this.

I'm coping okay, but reminding myself that this is normal (if uncomfortable).

A parenting strategy that's worked

I'm a single mum for a few days while David visits his dad one last time. His dad lives about nine hrs from here by car, but thankfully David flew up, leaving me with the car. 

It isn't too bad because the boys are at school, but on the other hand it's been a challenging time in parenting, even with two parents around a lot of the time. We're finding the teenage-type behaviour difficult at present. 

But I'm thinking I've found one strategy that seems to work, if you can be fast enough to use it.

Turn their complaints about you into your complaint about them.
Sounds bad, but it's really helping them to see a situation through your eyes. For example, the other day I was accused of raising the hopes of one boy and then dashing them. It was a case of me not having all the information I needed to make a decision, but not knowing I was missing information. 

However yesterday I was able to use that same statement back to my son when he refused to do a job he'd practically volunteered for (in his defence, he didn't specifically say yes to this job, he just insinuated he might say yes). His attitude change was dramatic (a hallmark teenage feature that he's exhibited most of his life, but recently it's become even more dramatic) and the job was done for me. It caught me by surprise but with David away I was very happy to receive our son's help.

We survived and press onwards

One of the ways the Seniors (and staff) travelled home
from Thailand.

Just reporting back at the end of the Solo Parenting Week. David arrived home about an hour ago, after a long journey (they were travelling for more than 24 hours, via boat, elephant, bus, and plane). He's now snoozing upstairs.

But what I really want to say is that we survived. More than survived, we thrived.

My two strategies worked:

1. I organised some coffee dates with friends, for some good adult conversation and perspective!
2. I froze some meals, so that I had little cooking to do in the last week at that crazy hour when boys are doing homework, showering, and ravenous too.

Plus I had good tempered boys who were cooperative 95% of the time. 

This photo is from two years ago, but they did a similar
project this year. They laid most of the floor for a
kindergarten for a poor village in northern Thailand.

Only one child had to leave the room during one meal (and that was his choice, I didn't order him out, only suggested). That is huge. Meal times have been a high stress time in recent months. Closely followed by the after school–pre dinner period (homework, piano practise, showers).

I'm very thankful. God has given me a wonderful week with my boys. Wow, I've even enjoyed them most of the time.

Now it's Spring Break for CAJ. A one-week holiday, the last one we get before school finishes for the year in early June.

We only have two boys for the next two days, so life should be fairly peaceful. The third boy has gone to a Soccer Camp till Monday.

And then on Tuesday we all pack up and go to a four-day OMF conference.

In the midst of this I'm still working on two magazines. Hopefully I'll have everything done I need to get done before we go on Tuesday!

And life goes on...

Sole Parenting Time

This morning my husband left for an eight-day school trip to Thailand. Every year the Senior class goes on a trip to another country (recently it has been Thailand). While they're there they help out a some needy people by constructing something they need, often for a school, and in the process learn a lot about

They're going almost all the way up to the
Thai-Myanmar border.

themselves.

I've just looked at the post I wrote last year on the same day, and it says most of what I was going to write! Including my embarrassment at admitting that I find it hard, primarily because I have a number of friends who cope with their husbands doing frequent and long trips away.

However, I've got a couple of things to add to last year's post. Knowing myself, I've organised some things to take care of myself psychologically. 

1. I've organised some coffee dates with friends, for some good adult conversation and perspective!
2. I've also frozen some meals, so that I have little cooking to do in the last week at that crazy hour when boys are doing homework, showering, and ravenous too.

And I'm playing this song often:

Fighting toxic comparison

Here's a good post, it caught my attention because it began in the context of envying another missionary's language ability. I'm tempted to say, "I've been there", with regards to envy but that is past tense and not a complete truth. This is a constant battle: not to envy other people for the way God made them and resent the way He made me.

On our recent holiday. We're a great team, this half isn't
anywhere near so good when we're apart.

Right now I'm fighting frustration at how badly I cope with my husband being away (he's in Hong Kong for six days). I have friends all around whose husbands are away for weeks at a time, yet I (and my kids) seem to struggle to cope. Possibly my friends are not telling me all the ugliness that happens at their homes at these times, but I can tell you there's been ugliness here this week. Particularly at meals. I don't think we've made it through one meal without one boy storming out of a meal or being sent out (and that is the same boy every meal). And that's not telling you how ugly I've been in the face of my boys' disobedience, defiance, selfishness etc.

I hate it that I hate these times, that I don't cope well. That's when envy can come in. I don't envy the fact that others have husbands who are away for long periods. I envy their apparent ability to cope.

This quote from the above mentioned blog post is what I've personally found the most helpful:

5. Pray for acceptance of who I am and how I am gifted, or not. So much of my envy comes from insecurity and inability to accept who I am, how I’m wired, my strengths and my weaknesses.  As I work through accepting how God made me, the circumstances where he has placed me, envy is squashed. I learn more about trust and faith.

How're you going?

Overall, things are going okay during David's absence. Especially if you ask me now at 1.30pm, when none of them are here! Ask me at 8pm tonight and you will probably get a different answer.

Our younger two boys' beds.

I've been getting a good deal of work done during the day (editing, emailing, newsletter writing etc.). Today I even have an unusually domestic morning. (That is—vacuumed the whole house, washed up breakfast dishes (not usually my job), two loads of washing, cleaned toilets, changed all the towels, and did grocery shopping!)

But the evenings are tiring. These guys are hard work, even at the best of times, but worse this week because they're missing their dad. Not as physically hard when they were much younger, but more emotionally difficult.

I've had to order one son inside the house after he vowed to never come back in. Why? His brother had offended him by locking him outside for 10 seconds!

Our youngest had trouble going to sleep the night before last. He was worried about a number of things, including whether he'd see his dad on Saturday before he went off to his first ever camp away. His response to not going to sleep? Coming downstairs every 10 minutes to inform me he wasn't yet asleep.

There were fisticuffs in the lounge room last night after dinner. The two younger ones had been "happily" engaging in a bit of friendly after-dinner wrestling (not uncommon these days) and one boy felt he'd been unfairly treated, lashed out with the immediate response of being smashed in the face. Hmmm. End of wrestling.

But not the end of the feud. These two fought verbally all the way through their joint Bible-time. Tricky to manage? Yes. Eventually I separated them and brought one into my bedroom to cool off while we folded washing together.

Not long after I was done with them my eldest said, "Are you coming to do Bible time with me?" I said, "No, I'm having a shower first to calm down and then I'll come in."

In an effort to help them, David's been trying to Skype us when he's free in the evening. This hasn't been a great success. The WiFi where he is is unreliable and frustrating. The boys here don't always manage a conversation well at that time of night (anytime between 6.30 and 8).

On our minds has been our eldest son's class trip to Kyoto trip. He left early this this morning. Thankfully he had a comprehensive "to take" list and managed that almost entirely on his own. He even made his own lunch last night (with consultation).

So, this morning I dragged myself out of bed at 5.15 to say goodbye. He's gone till tomorrow night. He won't see his brothers at home again until Friday night. Friday morning they have a late start, so he'll probably still be asleep when they go to school. It is a hectic 40 hour trip and they don't get much sleep. I know, because David went on this trip four years in a row last term when he taught the 8th graders.

After farewelling him I went back to bed, but struggled to get back to sleep. So we ended up getting up a little later than usual, thankfully it's a Wednesday and school doesn't start until 9.30.

Mornings are generally better around here than evenings. Generally speaking we're almost all morning people (excepting perhaps our youngest, but his age cloaks it a little).

One success this morning was that while eating my breakfast, I coached my middle son through assembling his own lunch (including some left-over home-made pizza). He was impressed with himself. I'm happy because this guy needs to be approached laterally in order for him to help out in ways that aren't, in his mind, "his responsibility". If something stinks of "an extra job", he's out of there. Yet, if you can get him involved he's usually very satisfied with whatever he's managed to achieve.

One of the great personal-coping successes of the week has been scheduling coffee with a friend. She hardly believed me when I said that our 1 1/2 hr conversation had filled my tank for the rest of the week. Even though my kids are older, I still don't get the kind of conversation with them that I need to fill up that social part of me.

What made it an even more exciting conversation is that we were planning my 40th birthday party. My husband is a wonderful man, but his talents don't extend to organising social events like birthday parties. So, I've decided to take matters into my own hands. I've asked this friend to cater, and some other friends to do decorations and a few games. This is the first time since I was 21 that I've had more than just family at a birthday party. About time, don't you think?

Tonight I have to get the boys to karate on my own. That means driving a slowly for about half an hour through awful traffic at 5.30 (it is faster to ride, but my husband wasn't confident I'd find the place on my bike, it is in a neighbourhood that I'm not familiar with). Hopefully it should go alright. I'll be collapsing tonight, though. I hope that no one struggles to go to sleep because I think I'll be headed to bed earlier than usual.

PS Just after I posted this I looked out my glass sliding door and saw half my washing and the pole it was attached to, in the garden. And I didn't think it was very windy today...darn. Thankfully most of it doesn't need a rewash, but one of my big hangers has broken in the crash and will need to be replaced before I do any more washing.

Rediscovering that "No" actually means "Yes"

Yesterday was surprising. I decided to say no to something and that turned into a big yes for something else.

But first let's start with breakfast. My 13 y.o. is doing "track" this season. He's doing it more to stay in shape and to combat boredom and difficulty going to sleep, than because he's passionate about track and field; his heart is pining for wrestling. (Truly, I'm practically quoting him). Yesterday was their first meet. He left at 6.30. I got up and gave him some company while he ate the breakfast he made for himself. Then I went back to bed and slept another couple of hours.

At 8.45 my youngest (nearly 8 y.o.) came in to my room and announced it was breakfast time. He'd spent the last 45 minutes preparing a special breakfast. He set the table, heated up waffles and English muffins, and cut up fruit. He cut his finger too and got his own band aid without help. It was an impressive achievement.

The night before he'd announced he wanted to make breakfast so I showed him the frozen items and waited to see what would happen. He'd copied the sort of breakfast my husband usually makes, his dad's given him a great example to follow.

Without much persuasion my 10 y.o. volunteered to wash up, so all that was left to me was tidying up the table (not too hard when everyone always takes their own plates to the sink).

What a lovely start to the day!

The waffle was made from scratch by my husband
another Saturday morning. My son retrieved it from
the freezer and warmed it up.

At lunchtime I took the two younger ones to McDonalds. It was fun, we sat around and had "real" conversation. We tried asking each other "big questions", like "Tell me three things you really like about your school." After that we rode our bikes to a slightly further away grocery store for some supplies. The spring warmth and sight of newly blossoming flowers along the way heightened our enjoyment.

When we got home the boys took turns at their allotted 1/2 hr of Saturday computer games, and our youngest did his piano practise. Then they settled into a couple of hours of Star Wars enjoyment: movie number 6. (I had to give video tape rewinding instruction, our 10 y.o. didn't know you could rewind a video quickly by turning off the play-function!)

While they did that I tried baking a new recipe: Cinnamon Apple Muffins. Mmmm, yum.

Here's the recipe:

Cinnamon Apple Muffins/Cake

Sorry, bad phone photo.
Yummy muffins, though.

A:
2 small apples (small pieces)
2 tablespoon sugar
0.5 teaspoon cinnamon

B:
280g flour
1.5 teaspoon baking soda
0.5 teaspoon salt
50g sugar

C:
100g butter (melted)
1 egg
250g plain yogurt
100g sugar

D:
2 table spoon sugar
0.5 teaspoon cinnamon

Prepare A, B, and C separately and then mix well.
Put D on top of the muffins/cake (be generous).

Bake at 200 degrees for 18 minutes (or until firm, which was about 25 minutes in my slow oven).

I posted another Apple Muffin Recipe a few months ago, it is simpler than the above recipe, but this one is moister. This new one tastes like an Apple Pie in a muffin form! It's been given a 5 out of 5 rating from the family, which makes it an instant lunch-box filler for this week (I tripled the above recipe and got 4 1/2 dozen small muffins). And indeed it is very filling, with yoghurt and large chunks of home cooked apple, it can't be that bad for you!


After all that, all that remained was to get boys through the shower and to feed them. The shower part was harder than it sounds, for they quibbled about what order they were going to go in (any other families have this fixation on shower-order?), and then needed reminders to get out. Our shower is half-way between our top and bottom floors, that doesn't make it easy to supervise when I'm here on my own, because they're usually showering when I'm preparing dinner. Last night, though, I used the rice and slow cookers, so I didn't have to be chained to the kitchen, while pretending to be a yoyo up and down the stairs.

Our 10 y.o. son's also just been diagnosed with mild atopic dermatitis and is having to do that thing loathed by boys: apply cream to his body! That increases his already ponderous progress through the shower routine. He's also required to do it when he dresses in the morning, so morning dressing has become a longer chore also. This is the child who got the class award for "thinking" in 2nd grade. Sometimes I think he would rather think than do anything else, include the practical things in life, and especially looking after himself!

It was just the three of us again at dinner, because our 13 y.o. hadn't made it back from his "track" meet yet. In fact he didn't arrive until after 7.30.

Which brings me back to my "no" that turned into a "yes". I decided not to go to support my son in person at his track meet. I had several reasons for that, especially that my husband was away. Knowing that I've got not parenting back-up makes me even more cautious with my energy reserves.

A couple of friends didn't really understand my decision, but I stuck with it anyway. I'm so glad that I did, because it turned out, not only that I was able to have a restful day, but I was able to "love on" my younger two sons. They've been "dragged" to cross-country and wrestling this year as we've supported their brother, but this time in staying home, I could focus on them for a change. Their time will come, when we'll be going to their sporting events, it just isn't here yet and I sometimes wonder if us going all the time to their big brother's events makes them feel loved less. But then maybe I'm overanalysing my parenting. I know they did love going to watch wrestling, in fact both of them want to join the team as soon as they can...but still.

In any case, spending all day with them was a good investment of time.

Juggling multiple children's needs is so challenging at times. I can't imagine how crazy it gets with four or more!

And today, seeing how tired our 13 y.o. is, makes me even more glad that I stayed home yesterday. One tired mum dealing with three tired boys on her own, just sounds like something I'd like to avoid if possible.

Unplugged parenting

Today I realised again how anti-screen our parenting style is. We actively discourage our boys from spending much time watching TV, or on computers. We don't only have strict guidelines on how much time they can spend on these things every day, we have actively encouraged them over the years to develop interests that don't need to be plugged-in. And we've never bought them toys that are screen-based.

This began quite young, when we restricted TV to only one hour at a time, and only at certain times of day. That's faded out as they've become busy at school. These days they don't usually watch TV during the week and only occasionally on the weekend. As the years have gone on, internet usage has been given rules too.

But I realised today that having more than one child is definitely an advantage in this regard. When a Japanese mum of a young teenager and only child asked (in regards to the upcoming coming three weeks break from school), "What will they do, if they can't be on the internet?" I had lots of answers, but some didn't apply to her.

Our boys will be out getting exercise, playing board games with each other, and playing with their Lego, NInjago, action figures etc. They'll also be reading and perhaps doing crafty things. I'll be asking them to help me cook meals too.

Our teenager has developed a number of non-plugged in hobbies/interests including: Rubics cube, collecting dice and manipulation puzzles, learning various knots, working out (for wrestling), logic puzzles, and he is a voracious reader. He's also recently been creating an Australian version of Risk in his spare time. This boy, of his own volition, has spurned Facebook, which, I believe, is where a lot of his friends (at least the girls) are spending their time.

One of the reasons we steer the boys away from the internet and from TV is that it cripples their creativity. It also produces behaviour that isn't very helpful. A few weeks back they developed an obsession with a internet based game. Their behaviour was disrespectful and they couldn't think about anything else except getting to play that game. I banned it for a week and things improved significantly around here. That obsession has faded, thankfully.

Our guys live life at a pretty high intensity, we don't need anything that will add to that intensity. I guess every parent has to figure out what works best in their family. We've found a pretty good balance for us. We'll see how that progresses as our boys get older.