21 January, 2022

Dwelling in the land of spoken word

This week, instead of doing my usual work that involves a lot of written word, I've been dwelling in the world of spoken words. I've been helping facilitate an online workshop for 17 members of our organisation. That means 3 ½ to 4 hours a day on Zoom, not just as a participant, but as one of those who is responsible for how it goes. But I really did struggle, at times, to pay attention when the other facilitators were talking. And then, towards the end of the week, I also struggled to get my thoughts in order as I taught someone else's curriculum. I avoid meetings as much as I can in my daily work, so this week has been pretty overwhelming. 

One of the concepts I taught 
about this week. "Six ways" 
of mobilisation.
It's interesting to read what I wrote in my blog post about it the week after it was finished last year. But especially how it gave me an "adrenaline rush", because that's not how I remember it at all, in fact I was pretty terrified at times and certainly completely wiped out afterwards (and am feeling some of that this afternoon, it's become hard to think and to write!). But thankfully I've felt a little more confident and less terrified this week!

Now we have a week's break and then do it again from Jan 31, with the same people, but different content and more meeting time (maybe 5–6 hrs every day online?). I've got plenty of tasks from my usual responsibilities tugging at me, so it's going to be hard to stay focused and not over-work next week.

On top of that we've had news over the last 24 hrs that COVID is touching closer to home, with cases at the school, including a colleague of my husband's. So school is going online again all next week. It's challenging times we live in!

Coming back to these verses again:

Each of you should use whatever gift you have received to serve others, as faithful stewards of God’s grace in its various forms. If anyone speaks, they should do so as one who speaks the very words of God. If anyone serves, they should do so with the strength God provides, so that in all things God may be praised through Jesus Christ. To him be the glory and the power for ever and ever. Amen. (1 Peter 4:10-11, NIV)–my emphasis

12 January, 2022

A story blast from the past

This week I'm preparing to help facilitate a two-week online workshop. I'm not experienced at teaching (and would be inclined to say, not good at it either). Nevertheless, I was challenged this week by an article I had to edit that it's important to not avoid doing everything that you aren't good at. That's a real temptation for me! 

Anyway, I'm trying to "marinate" in the content I have to present next week (that's the advice of a teacher friend) and hope that I'll be able to wing it once we get there and there won't be too many awkward moments.

One of the parts I like about this course is that it encourages (actually, requires) people to write their stories. It's a course that helps to prepare missionaries to go back to their home countries and share with people there about Japan and their ministry here. 

So, as a facilitator, we have to model "story sharing". The particular format they've chosen is to share "module stories" of two minutes each. I've actually gotten quite distracted writing some of my own stories and looking at things I've written in the past. 

I need to get back to work, but want to share with you a fiction story that I'd forgotten I'd written, even though it was only written five years ago, but it's quite poignant as it's based on real experiences in language school 20 years ago.

“Don’t pick up the phone.”

This is my mantra in my first year in Japan. It is too intimidating. It presents an impenetrable divide between me and the person on the other end called language and there seems to be no point. A while ago our language adviser found out that I was not answering the phone and I was in trouble. After all, I am in language school, I am supposed to be boldly confronting this wall of language.

Trouble is, like a rock climber with sweaty hands, I struggle to find a handhold. The footholds don’t match my feet and my progress seems unmeasurable. Whenever I do get a handhold it turns out it’s the wrong one. Or it doesn’t allow me to get a foothold too and then my teacher corrects me. As soon as she does I lose my grip and my confidence in the same moment. There just doesn’t seem to be a way forward to begin to climb that wall.

I used to be a daredevil, that, after all, is how I came to play both netball and the clarinet. I came close to representing my state in netball and my senior year at school was a blur of activity. As a child I had too much energy, so my mum sought to direct that into extra activities. It seemed to work, or maybe it drained me of spunk? Because I don’t feel like a daredevil anymore.

“Brrrrrring, brrrring . . . brrrrring, brrrrrring” Oh no!

“Brrrrrring, brrrring.”

“Ah hello?”

“Ohayogosaimasu, blah blah blah…” The rest was a blur.  I presume they introduced themselves.

“Goshujin . . . blah blah blah . . . masu?” Ah, are they looking for my husband? He’s not here, otherwise he would have answered the phone. Um, how do I say, “Not here?”

“Ummmm. Gakko desu.” He’s at language school, how do I say that?

Silence

So I venture: “Arimasen.” Does that mean not here? No, maybe it means doesn’t exist? “Go ji desu.” I think I said five o’clock. That’s what time I think he’s coming home.

“Go ji kaerimasu?” He’s coming home at five?

“Ummm, hai.” Yes, am I agreeing to the right thing?

“Shitsu . . . blah blah blah.”

Click.

Sigh. Daredevil I am not. Surely there is a better way to live than this? But how can I admit to being defeated by a language? How can I continue to live in a land where I can’t even answer the phone and tell someone that my husband is out and won’t be back until 5 pm?

My problem is not only that I’m bad at learning language, I’m bad at quitting too. I can’t come up with a good enough reason to call it quits here. We spent a long time telling people how much Japanese needed Jesus, and that we were going to help. How could we just turn our backs on that? What would we tell everyone?

But secretly, I’m looking. I’m checking the internet for jobs in Australia. Oh how I dream of going back to a place where I can talk to anyone I like. To a place I can read. To a place where I’m not scared of the phone.

But I can’t admit it to my husband. He’s soaring away from me in language learning. He loves the challenge, I hate it. He’s climbing up that wall at a speed that is shocking to me.

“Brrring brrrring” Oh no, not again!

“Ah, hello?”

A familiar voice greeted me, “Hi, it’s me.” Phew, I sink to the floor, so weary of the fear.

“Hey darling, when will you be home? I just got a call from some unknown person who, I think, wanted to know.”

“I wonder what that was about? Maybe it’s our new table they’re going to deliver. I’m just leaving now, do you want anything from the store?”

“Just a new brain.”

“Ah, what?”

“Never mind. I think we need some milk and eggs.”

“Great, I’ll be home soon. Love you.”

“Love you too. Bye”

Click

Fantastic, just enough time to write an email to my best friend. I scurry over to the computer. 

“Hi Sal, 

I miss you!!!!!! I’m not doing well today. I just can’t stand it here. The phone rang today and I answered it, but I could barely understand a word that was spoken. I still don’t know who it was and why they called, or if I managed to communicate anything with them. How am I going to keep living like this?

The other day I went to the store and I put four milk bottles in my basket. The cashier took two away from me at the checkout and wouldn’t let me buy them. I’m not sure why. Then when I got home I tried to make dinner. I just felt so down that it was hard to get up the motivation to cook. I was making pizza on bread slices (no pizza bases here), but because our kitchen is so small first I had to wash and dry up all the dishes and put them away so that I’d have room to cut stuff up. I’d rushed out so fast this morning that I didn’t get to them and, presumably, Phil didn’t get to them either. Somehow doing all that just to get the space to chop up stuff for simple pizzas seemed like too much work. I ended up preparing everything on the dining room table in the other room. We ended up with a lot of washing up afterwards, but at least we got dinner.

Daniel's doing well at language, but they want him to be a church planter and he’s not so sure about that. Me, well I’ve got no idea what I’m doing here. How are we going to work in a church when I can’t even answer the phone?

Tell me I can come home? Help me find a way I can get out of this.

I miss you so much, can I have a virtual hug?

Love,
Tess.”

I heard a key in the front door and a blast of cold air rushed into the room. “Hi honey, I’m home.”

My greeting was less than enthusiastic; I’ve never been good at pretending I feel good when I don’t. “That was fast.”

As he shook the snow off his boots and hung up his coat he asked, “What’s for dinner?”

“Oh, I haven’t got that far yet. I was totally derailed by that phone conversation.”

“Hmph. I’m hungry.”

“Well, I’ll figure something out. Did you get the eggs? Is it okay if I scramble them?”

“I suppose so. Are you okay?”

“Yeeeees, maybe not.” My brave mask started to crumble. Heck, where’s the tissues?

“What’s up?”

“I really hate living here. I can’t even answer the phone without sounding like a complete fool. I’m stuck. I hate being so dependent on other people and not knowing what’s going on. I’m lonely too. When did I last have a good conversation over coffee with a girlfriend who’s known me more than a couple of months?” I paused as I blew my nose.

“Yes…”

“Well, too be honest I’ve been looking at jobs in Australia and there’s this really good sounding one in Dalby, not so far from my family.”

“Do you think that’s a good idea?”

“Well maybe this was all a mistake, maybe we misread the situation. Maybe we’re not meant to be missionaries?”

“But a lot of people have given money for us to do this. We spent so many months visiting churches telling them this was God’s calling for us. How can we just give up? What will we say to everyone?”

“Yeah, well I had that thought too. But how can I go on?”

“But what if I don’t want to go back to Australia?”

“Oh, well . . . “I pulled out a bowl and started breaking the eggs into it. “Um, I don’t know. I guess I’ll just have to keep trying?”

The next day we have a guest at the language school, Rose, a missionary from England who’s in her 50s and been in Japan since she was my age. Her talk is about looking after ourselves, how to “stay the course”.

Afterwards there is time for questions and before I could think I burst out with, “But what if it’s too hard? What if we can’t envisage ourselves staying until we’re 50?”

She looks at me and I know that she’d been where I am. She said, “You do it one day at a time. Can you last out today? Then do it. And tomorrow you ask yourself the same thing. That’s how I’m still here.”

“Does it get easier?” I blurt.

“Yes, in a way it does.”

At 5pm Daniel came home to a wife that was just a tiny bit happier.

He said, “Hi darling. How was your day?”

“A little better. I still made tons of mistakes in my classes and messed up at the pharmacy, but I think I can stay tomorrow.”

He looked puzzled, “What do you mean? Where are you going?”

“Oh, nowhere. Rose spoke at language school today, I’m sorry you couldn’t be there. She said just do this one day at a time. Don’t let your mind race ahead too far. I’m thinking that I can manage that, for now.”

He grabbed me in a hug, and I grabbed the tissues again.

04 January, 2022

Looking ahead to 2022

I'm not excited about writing this blog post, but it's a tradition that I've done since my very first January of writing this blog (in 2010), and I'm going to keep it. Looking ahead to 2022 is even more difficult than I thought 2021 was. After two years of this pandemic it really is difficult to think positively about the future, even for this optimist and planner.

We had a New Year's Eve party with friends on Friday night. The party itself was a stark reminder of how our world is currently different. Of the four married couples represented at the party, David and I were the only two who could both come. Of the rest, one partner was either in quarantine due to travelling internationally over Christmas because of family ill-health or death, or had illness in their house that they didn't want to share with the rest of us. Three of the four families have adult children in our home countries who might have visited if times had been different. Those of us who could gather were glad we could, but the party was overshadowed by the absence of those who couldn't.

As for what lies ahead for 2022 . . . I don't really want to guess. However it looks like Australia is finally opening up and allowing non-hotel quarantine, so we hope to visit mid-year. How long I will stay is still undetermined, though David and our youngest will have to return for the start of school in August (he's starting Grade 12!). I will probably stay longer to help our middle son explore some options for the future. No idea what that might look like, but it's out there as a pencilled-in plan.

But there's one thing we do know: "Jesus Christ is the same yesterday and today and forever."

There are many metaphors that underline his solid, permanent status. He's a rock, a strong tower, a fortress, and a shield (Psalm 18:2 among others). He's an anchor for our soul (Hebrews 6:19) foundation (story of wise and foolish builders Matthew 7).

So we are urged to: "Trust in the Lord with all your heart; do not depend on your own understanding. Seek his will in all you do, and he will direct your paths" (Proverbs 3:5–6). 

As I've thought about this transition into a new year, I've been encouraged in recent weeks by some other passages of the Bible too.

2 Chronicles 20 Unusual reaction to strife

This chapter tells us about Jehoshaphat, king of Judah. A couple of groups came against him in war. The incident is relayed to us by "some people" who came to the king saying "A vast army is coming against you". Jehoshaphat was alarmed. It says, upon receiving this new he proclaimed a fast for all Judah in order to inquire of the Lord and seek God's help. And then it tells us his prayer. I love to read the prayers recorded for us in the Bible. This one shows us the king reminding God of who he is and what he's done in the past. He finished with "We have no power to face this vast army that is attacking us. We do not know what to do, but our eyes are on you."

We're in a very different situation in 2022, no vast army, but rather a complex medical-social-political situation that limits us, shocks us, stretches us, and threatens to make us bow down in fear. We indeed have no power to face this situation. We don't know what to do, but we can keep our eyes fixed on God.

After this prayer of Jehosaphat, it says that "the Spirit of the Lord came on" a Levite in the assembly and he said "Do not be afraid or discouraged because of this vast army. For the battle is not yours, but God's." They they fell down in worship and praised God. The next day Jehoshaphat appointed some men to sing to the Lord and "praise him for the splendor of his holiness"! The singers marched at the head of the army. It was a pretty unusual battle strategy, but it worked. The "vast army" was defeated.

Revelation 13:10 Great suffering calls for patient endurance and faithfulness

The verses prior to this contain science-fiction-like scenes. They describe a terrible calamity that is difficult to understand, however, the section ends with "This calls for patient endurance and faithfulness on the part of God’s people." Indeed, though we don't understand the earlier portion, we do know that our current situation calls for patient endurance and faithfulness.

Revelation 8:1–4 Power of prayer

This is part of John's vision and gives us a beautiful picture of what happens to our prayers. Often we feel useless and like our prayers are meaningless. Phrases like "all we can do is pray" reveal that. However, this is such an encouraging passage:

 "When he opened the seventh seal, there was silence in heaven for about half an hour. And I saw the seven angels who stand before God, and seven trumpets were given to them. Another angel, who had a golden censer, came and stood at the altar. He was given much incense to offer, with the prayers of all God’s people, on the golden altar in front of the throne. The smoke of the incense, together with the prayers of God’s people, went up before God from the angel’s hand."

Revelation 21:3–4 Longing for heaven

"And I heard a loud voice from the throne saying, “Look! God’s dwelling place is now among the people, and he will dwell with them. They will be his people, and God himself will be with them and be their God. ‘He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death’ or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away.”

When there is much pain, the longing for heaven increases. How I long for the days that we're told about in these verses.

But meanwhile I am called to serve him here, where there is pain and suffering, and death and tears, fear and rebellion. May God have mercy on us in 2022! 

And again: "Trust in the Lord with all your heart; do not depend on your own understanding. Seek his will in all you do, and he will direct your paths."