Many opportunities

The home assignment sprint continues, more like a 400m than a 100m! 

Despite the busyness, so far we've had many wonderful opportunities to talk to a variety of people. Last Saturday we spent several hours meeting people at a church hall, people who hadn't been able to catch us anywhere else. This "open house" style of meeting is an efficient way of catching up with folk when we have limited time to make individual appointments.

I've had two different team meetings this week with colleagues in Japan. I'm thankful the time difference is only one hour! But each of these meetings have jerked my head around: I'm both in Australia and in Japan and it's a bit challenging. Certainly I wouldn't encourage newer missionaries to attempt such continuity of Japan-based ministry while on home assignment!

We've also been attending to medical needs: skin cancer checks and mission medicals and the action points from those (including an iron infusion for myself), women's health screening, etc.

We've cooked two Japanese meals this week for each of our younger two sons (and others), and spent extra time with them. I forgot to take a photo of the chocolate cheesecake I made them :D I'm treasuring these times with them.

As a result, this week there has been less opportunity to rest, and that's probably why we've been feeling more ragged heading into another full weekend.

I really want to write more here...but I'm almost out of time and energy this week. 

We've got a whirlwind of things on in the next four days. These are some of the things going on:

• Three public speaking opportunities (which need Powerpoints and scripts finalised).
• 300+ km of driving over two days.
• Meeting up with two different couples over coffee and then a meal on Saturday.
• An online meeting with Japan-based colleagues for David.
• Planning and shopping for our own food (not something we've had to do in the last five weeks as we've stayed with people who've provided most of our meals).
• Packing up, then unpacking into my parents' motorhome (our mode of transport and accommodation some nights in the coming 2 ½ weeks).
• Answering some emails and finishing up a few Japan-ministry bits and pieces before we go on holidays from Monday.

We're tired and hankering after that holiday—just have to get through these final days before we get there!

Our holiday will include time on our own as well as time with family, including four nights with our granddaughter and her parents.

Please pray for God's strength and grace in these coming days!

Time to rest (and move)

One of the biggest challenges of a short, fast-paced home assignment is getting rest. We've designated each Monday as a day off and have that written on our online shared calendar. It's important to decide that beforehand otherwise a dangerous "creep" can happen and you end up with not enough time to truly rest. Also, we're trying to have a mentality that downtime can happen at other times too. This week we have meetings on Wednesday and Thursday evenings. It'll be wise to have rest time during the day on those days (and probably Friday morning too...after an evening event I often don't sleep well).

Yesterday (Monday), on our designated day off, we went a little further afield for a longer walk. White Rock Conservation Park is not far from our home church in Redbank Plains, Ipswich. We've lived around this area several times in the last 15 years and yet never gone to the park, though I've heard it mentioned many times by people. Yesterday we had good weather, plus the time and energy to go and explore it. We ended up walking seven kilometres through typical Queensland bushland. It was a delightful outing that was good for us on many fronts.

There were so many gorgeous trees, mostly a typical Queensland eucalyptus forest.

The "rock" itself is a sandstone outcrop. We walked from the carpark in to the rock and out again.

We saw a number of kangaroos, but none so close as these two who calmly grazed on grass as we walked within a few metres of them.

When we were almost back to our car we passed this kookaburra. He was perched at head height, only a metre or so off the track and also didn't move as we walked past, pausing to take his photo.

Sprinting through the weeks

We enjoyed a walk in Toowoomba's
Japanese garden.

We're starting to get into the swing of things in this home assignment now. It's fast-paced and exhausting! Manageable, though, as long as we're mindful that rest is needed. Home assignment is usually tiring, but in the past it's been a much longer and slower affair. This time we're "sprinting," but we can look forward to the "race" being over soon.

And a scone with coffee and chai.

Walking with my parents' lively dog
that reminds us so much of the
literary Harry MacLary of
Donaldson's Dairy.

We spent a week in Toowoomba with my parents enjoying catching up with them and others who live in that city. 

We spent Friday afternoon with closer friends and on Saturday we held an open afternoon in my parents' home and five people came, most of whom are in their 80s and 90s. 

On Sunday we shared the microphone for about 40 minutes up the front of my parents' church. It's very rare to be given so much time during a church service to talk about missions and we're grateful. David hadn't had time to write a sermon, so we filled the time with various stories about our lives and ministry as well as the needs in Japan and also challenged the church to pray right then about what we'd been sharing. 

The next challenge we face is how to condense that into just 10 minutes (the time slots we have this coming Saturday and Sunday).

By Monday we really needed some downtime, but ended up spending time with my great aunt in the morning and with another former OMF missionary in the afternoon. On Tuesday we downed tools, stopped looking at email, writing our prayer letter, and other tasks, and just rested—it was very restorative. On Wednesday we headed back to Brisbane and started preparing for this coming weekend of events.

Toowoomba is about 600m above sea level,
it's perched on the edge of the Great Dividing
Range and the climate there is definitely cooler
than down on the plain in Brisbane. It's 
renowned for its fog and we certainly got
some of that.

It's always good to spend time with family when we're in Australia, though we are acutely reminded that there's no making up the time that we haven't been here. It's difficult sometimes not to feel melancholy or guilty. I don't often feel like we've sacrificed much to do what we've done, but time with family can be a reminder of that, and a reminder that they've sacrificed a lot too.

Sole camping trip for 2024

I've been away from my desk for much of the last 2 ½ weeks and have been playing catch-up this week, but I am determined to do a little bit of my own writing today. Last week we went camping for three nights in Fukushima Prefecture, about 250 km north of Tokyo. It was our first time to spend any time at all in this prefecture, aside from driving through on the expressway. 

It's the first time we've been camping in 19 months...we were looking forward to this trip so much! It's been really hard to accept the reality this week that our trip is over. It was a much needed break. We've been going pretty constantly since we got back to Brisbane in early May from our long motorhome sojourn.

We had a spectacular time. The first time to go camping with none of the participants under 20 (in fact all four of us are a long way past 20)! It was very quiet. We were literally the only people there in this large campground. After 4pm there wasn't even a caretaker around.

But back to the start of the trip: getting there involved over four hours of driving, first on Tokyo's congested ordinary roads, then an expressway, and finally over an hour through the Japanese countryside—over mountains and valleys and through tunnels. It was our first time to drive at 120 km/hr in Japan. I took a photo of this dual-speed sign to give us time to read it...and yes, we were allowed to drive this fast in our little car.

We stopped for lunch at a roadside "service area", one of the joys of travelling long distance in a car in Japan. There is usually many food options, as well as lots of clean toilets. We were already enjoying being away and hanging out that we took quite a long break at this point! Eventually someone pointed out that we still had more driving and a campsite to set up, so we got going again.

The countryside we drove through was, as usual, gorgeous, especially to eyes that have been in Tokyo for months. The layers upon layers of mountains still amaze us Aussies from a wide-flat land!

When we considered what car we would buy, a key requirement was the capacity to carry all our camping gear. This little car did a magnificent job. And we discovered that with no extra passengers it was really easy to pack the back of this, which is basically a box when you lower the back seats. Of course we had less gear, but still, we could see out the back of the car when fully packed and that has not always been a given!

It was wonderful having three nights away: it meant two full days without travelling. We had a very relaxed time. We played games, read, napped, strolled, and the one who brought his bike went for several long rides. Our friends introduced us to a beanbag game called Cornholes (US game) and we introduced them to a card game called Take7.

And of course fire featured a lot. This campsite sported a big flat place where people had previously had fires, so, with no rule saying we couldn't, we gathered up wood lying around and had two big fires on the last two nights. Not just entertainment, but we cooked our evening meals there too. Cooking for four wasn't hard, but the biggest difference was how little washing up there was for just the four of us: we were almost finished before we started. A big difference to when we've camped with 10 or more people.

This simple meal was so delicious.
Thin-sliced pork and baked veggies
in foil.

There was plenty of nature to enjoy. I didn't take photos of the bees, mozzies, or bees, or the vast numbers of "stink" bugs but I did capture the more photogenic dragonflies who loved to land on our ropes and car antenna. 

It was a pretty cheap place to stay. Just $AU42 for three nights for each couple. For that we had water, as much space as we wanted, flushable toilets, and a place where we could wash dishes. Ironically the toilet seats were heated. The toilet pedestals were pretty much the cleanest thing in the whole place—the hut they were in was full of bugs and spiderwebs, though nothing too big (I've seen much worse in this land). The showers were also very clean and open 24 hrs a day. They cost $AU1 for five minutes, which is plenty of time. Alas there were no hooks or benches in the showers, but thankfully there was an actual door between the shower room and changing area, so our stuff didn't get wet.

You might wonder how we find these places. It's a pretty simple Google Maps search. We only stay at places that have sufficient information online for us to judge if we're happy about trying them (usually a simple webpage). The translations on Google reviews on these campsites are sometimes illuminating and often entertaining. This one had a lot of chatter about "Kevins" and I briefly wondered...until David clarified that "cabin" in Japanese is sometimes spelled ケビン or literally "kebin"! There were indeed a lot of unoccupied "Kevins", that looked great on the outside, but I don't think there was kitchens or showers in the Kevins. We knew that we were getting a better deal in our tents. Yes: much cheaper, potentially cleaner (according to the reviews), and more fun. I mean you don't get to play with fire in a Kevin! 

Gotta love a good fern!

Beautiful squishy moss.

One area we drove through was obvious a dairy farming area, which is quite unusual in Japan. They had a farm that was set up for tourists and we stopped there for a yummy lunch and ice cream on the way home.

Yep, a dairy farming themed area!
This is a post box at the local convenience store

Ice cream with our long-time camping friends.

The farm shop...speaks for itself.

And a random bus! We could see the road that
went past the campsite and these between-village
buses went by a few times each day.
And it's a sign that you're relaxing
when you have time to notice the 
occasional bus driving past (it wasn't 
a busy road).

One more dragonfly because they are so beautiful!

This was the view up a nearby hill. It's a valley
that contains both a village and yellow rice fields.

We think this pond is where most of the mozzies were
coming from. Because it's well into autumn I definitely
underestimated the mosquitoes.

Day 43: all day at Snug

This was a wonderfully quiet day. I spent time blogging, as well as reading and playing games with David. The weather had turned colder, but we had a lovely northerly aspect on the van and sun poured in all day, keeping things very comfortable. 

Snug has a population of around 1,400. After lunch we went for a little walk exploring the local creek and a couple of bridges. A needed restful day. Also, hot showers in a decent bathroom are always wonderful after a couple of free camping days! We enjoyed a rare meal out in the evening at the local pub. It definitely looked like a sleepy country town.

On the right of the photo is north Bruny Island.
This island has about 800 permanent inhabitants,
but they receive thousands of visitors (perhaps as
many as 150,000 per year). We didn't go over there.

We took a short walk down the Snug River

It's a fun name! It's not so common in
English to use adverbs or adjectives as 
proper nouns.

Day 37: all day at Scamander

Scamander River looking out to the ocean

After three days of travelling, we decided to stay put this day and have a quiet one. We went for a walk after lunch down, yet another beautiful beach. This one, Wrinklers Beach, is a surfing one, I think possible the first one we'd seen with big waves that didn't  also have sharp rocks sticking out.

Wrinklers Beach

In case you were wondering, this is what the 
inside of the motorhome looks like while we're travelling.
On the right is the sink, beyond that is a cupboard and 
the "bathroom". On the left is the three burner stove, the fridge,
and oven.

And the view looking back from the cab of the
motorhome. On the right is the three-burner
stove (fridge/freezer under bench).
The table is stowed in the centre
at the back, along with a portable table that we
use outside if the conditions are right
(it's been pretty cool so we haven't used it
as much as we thought we would).

We discovered the Scamander River has an ever changing mouth: sometimes it opens out to the ocean and other times not. This day we were able to walk right across the mouth on a wide stretch of sand. We also learned that they've had a lot of trouble getting a bridge to stay operational here, probably due to the shifting sand. It's another quiet town, one that is probably much busier in the hot months.

I also had a phone call followup with the doctor I saw on Saturday. He was happy with my current situation and with the blood tests he did on Saturday, so I moved forward without antibiotics (the first time in four weekends without them!) and, if nothing flares between now and then, will followup with my GP in Ipswich when we get back in May. It was good to have this reassurance and a longer-term plan from a doctor, but also to consult with a doctor who wasn't fazed by our travel!

Day 15: Tomakin

This was a quiet day “at the beach”. We were staying in a caravan park that has reinvented itself as a holiday park, meaning most of the residents are either long term or sites rented long term as holiday “cottages”. 

We met one of them. A lady in her 50s who had lost her husband to motor neuron disease. They’d loved caravanning before he became ill and now he’s gone she’s not confident to travel about towing one on her own, but has instead bought one that’s situated onsite long term. And she loves coming there for a break.

We were there a few days before the Easter holidays so it was quiet, but they were expecting a full house over the weekend. Easter is a four-day long weekend in Australia and is known as very popular camping weekend. In early February David was working on booking places for us to stay and found it hard, even six weeks early. 

Tomakin is a small village that’s pretty seasonal. Many of the houses look like they’re holiday rental or owned as family holiday homes. 

We had a quiet day, doing laundry, tiny bit of grocery shopping, reading, and games. And in the late afternoon went for a walk down to the beach and into the mouth of the river. It was a lovely day and the walk included wonderful views, though I was finding pain increasingly playing a part of my day (and night) and this came to a head the next day, but you'll have to wait for that installation!

Days 10 and 11: quiet days in Canberra

These were the first slow starts we'd had in nearly two weeks. It was much needed. I was feeling pretty exhausted. 

Lake Burley Griffin

On Friday we went out for lunch with good long-term friends from Queensland who happened to be down here visiting their son. After lunch our friends dropped us at a shopping precinct, where we got a handful of items for our tiny larder and then we walked about three kilometres to "home". For much of the rest of the day we hung about the motorhome playing word games and reading. Oh, and I got a start on our April prayer letter, with the goal of having that done before we officially start our long service holidays on Monday.

One of the statues on Anzac Ave, close to 
where we’d parked the motorhome. 

Saturday was an even quieter day where we hung around “home” relaxing, with a little bit of preparation for speaking at a supporting church the next day. 

We went for a walk around 5 pm down to Canberra’s lake: Burley Griffin. Then we picked up some ice cream to share over dinner with two Canberra-based families that we knew from our young adult years. It was a fun evening, enjoyable to reminisce about our lives back in the early '90s when we were all university students.

The week to come was going to be eventful, but we didn’t know that yet! I’m thankful we had these quiet days before things went a little crazy. You’ll have to wait for the sequels 😊

Strength comes from quietness and dependence?

We have no more official speaking engagements now until February. That feels weird. It's six weeks since I wrote on this blog: "Last week we started to see a bit more spaciousness in our schedule" (here). We've definitely been working at a slower pace since mid October. And, though it still feels awkward at times, it's been good for us after what's been a pretty exhausting few years.

A friend and colleague wrote about this verse recently: "This is what the Sovereign Lord, the Holy One of Israel, says: 'In repentance and rest is your salvation, in quietness and trust is your strength, but you would have none of it'" (Isaiah 30:15 NIV)

The Message says it this way: "God, the Master, The Holy of Israel, has this solemn counsel: “Your salvation requires you to turn back to me and stop your silly efforts to save yourselves. Your strength will come from settling down in complete dependence on me—The very thing you’ve been unwilling to do. You’ve said, 'No way!'"

My friend wrote: "We need to stop in order to repent. Rest involves the surrender of fighting for ourselves and letting the Holy Spirit work in our lives. It is a reliance on God's promises and an utter dependence on Him. It is a recognition that we can't satisfy our own needs. . . This verse also reminds us that our strength comes from quietness and trust. When we are quiet, we remove other noise and distractions. We set our hearts on hearing God's voice and God's voice alone. A quiet heart is in a state of peace that comes from trusting in God and His sovereignty alone."

This reminds me a bit of Psalm 23:

The Lord is my shepherd, I lack nothing.
He makes me lie down in green pastures,
  he leads me beside quiet waters,
  he refreshes my soul.
He guides me along the right paths
  for his name’s sake (vs. 1–3 NIV).

 There are other verses similar, like Psalm 131:1–3:

My heart is not proud, Lord,
    my eyes are not haughty;
I do not concern myself with great matters
    or things too wonderful for me.
But I have calmed and quieted myself,
    I am like a weaned child with its mother;
    like a weaned child I am content.
Israel, put your hope in the Lord
    both now and forevermore (NIV).

Another a metaphor describing God's care for us in Isaiah 40 (vs 11):

He tends his flock like a shepherd:
    He gathers the lambs in his arms
and carries them close to his heart;
    he gently leads those that have young (NIV).

I don't know that I'm very good at being quiet and hearing God's voice. I'm good at filling my head with busy noise. But I hope that through this quieter period in our lives I'll get better. I have to trust that God is working in me through this time that I have many fewer responsibilities than I've had for many years.

That's not to say I've got no responsibilities. We had morning tea with three retired missionaries last week. They told many stories from their own lives, but also intentionally asked us about our sons. One of them concluded quickly that one of our main jobs this year in Australia is to help our younger two transition well to Australia. It's true and we're grateful for the time away from the busyness of our work in Japan to do that (and that we still have an income while we do this).

This week of metaphorically walking alongside our sons has included:

• sitting in on a doctor's appointment which opened the door for our son to get support from the Australian government due to his neurodiversity and mental illness,

  

  The blossoms of the Sydney red
  gum. Another thing synonymous
  with Australia.

• helping them fill out forms for the government. Australia is also kind to university students from low income families, but you pay in the time you spend applying and reporting,
• supervising them driving,
• driving one of them to an appointment with the agency helping him to find (and be ready) for work, and
• follow leads for possible future accommodation.

It's been good that we've had the time to do these things in person and are not thousands of miles away, something a missionary parent can't take for granted.

Fun

The downtime that we've had has given us plenty of time to indulge in one of our favourite pastimes, one that much easier to pursue when we're in Australia than in Japan. It's cricket!

In Japan we either have to resort to watching replays and reading match reports, or pay to watch matches. Here we can watch many matches for free.

Cricket has been part of our lives since we were kids—both our dads loved it and taught us about it. I was once jokingly accused of "taking a sickie" by guys in the pay room at a small rural hospital I worked in, after I took two consecutive sick "afternoons" on days that cricket was played (in the past many men have been a bit disbelieving that women know anything about cricket, but these guys knew I was a fan). 

Summer and Christmas in Australia is synonymous with cricket on the TV. Because it's generally a lengthy sport, it often runs in the background while you get on with other things. It's like the sound of summer here and it's weird when we watch it in mid-winter in Japan, at Christmas time!

Cricket has been part of our relationship since day two. The day after our first date there was cricket on, and we sat down together to watch some of it. Having a love of cricket wasn't on his list of things he was looking for in a girlfriend, but it's turned out to be a wonderful thing for us. Cricket is a very complex sport and many hours can be spent watching and talking about it. It's often quite relaxing, and I've done many cross-stitching hours in front of the cricket, so it's good for my mental health.

The Australian team has recently spent about six weeks competing in one of the cricket world cups in India (the men's One Day version). It was compelling watching, much like a long suspense drama. This long competition culminated in two matches that we stayed up long past our usual bed times to watch (3.30am and 2.30am). Yep, I guess that confirms us real fans!

We've also been keeping an eye on the domestic women's cricket franchise competition called WBBL (Women's Big Bash League), which is a different (shorter) format to the games the Australian men were playing in India. We went to one game in person a few weeks back and this week we've watched (on TV) our local team play their way into the final. As a woman, it's been wonderful to finally see women playing this sport I've loved all my life. It turns out women have been playing for a long time, but they've had little media coverage, so almost no one knew about it, thankfully that's changed.

Anyway, that's enough. Most of you probably aren't interested in cricket, but thanks for reading this far. For me, it's a bit like camping, if you introduce the topic, I can talk about it for some time!

An unsettled life

I write on this blog about my fairly ordinary life doing a not-so-ordinary job. It’s good to remind myself about that goal every now and then. Right now I’m feeling rather unfocused, partly because, as opposed to most of my adult life, overall I’ve actually got more time than responsibilities. I’m really struggling with what to do with that and finding it odd. After all, isn’t this what one longs for amidst a too busy life? Not being so busy is harder than I imagined.

It’s also hard to think about making commitments to longer term things because we need to keep our schedule flexible to visit with people and groups. That means committing to something regular isn’t wise, and committing to something that requires a lot of time is also not a great idea.

So, what to do? We’ve got some ideas, but we’re also aware that we’re tireder than we realise. The clue to that is how much recovery time has been needed after events and interacting intensely with people.

I’m also aware of still feeling so unsettled. Knowing that we’re probably not going to be here for long is unsettling and doesn’t encourage commitment (even to pot plants). I still feel like a bit of an alien in Australia. Not so much in one-on-one conversations, but just in general, when I’m out and about in public. I suspect that that might take longer than 12 months to settle down.

Layered on top of the temporary nature of this assignment is the transitory nature of this stage of life: we’re actively working on helping our two youngest sons to find somewhere to move out to (a complicated process that we are making progress on, pray for favour from a certain landlord, and one more housemate). Them moving out is a big life change for us all. One that’s been looming for a while, so it’s no surprise. It’s the right time for them to be moving on, but still has an emotional impact when lots of other things in our lives are also very unsettled.

Getting any traction in the midst of all this is difficult. It’s even been hard to stay on top of the many plates we still have twirling, because we’re less focused. For example, I’m usually great at promptly answering email, because I’ve usually been on my computer most days in recently years, but my email volume has dwindled down to a trickle, so I’m not on my computer every (work) day now and I fear that some things might be falling through the cracks.

What have I been doing with my time? On days that we’ve not been speaking, travelling, or preparing for either of these, I’ve had a lot more spare time. I’ve been reading more and continuing with my Japanese language review. We’ve been getting more sleep. I’ve pulled out my cross-stitch, something that I’ve not done for years outside of holiday times. We’re watching cricket, playing more Scrabble (and other games), and spending time with people we love. It’s a completely different pace to what we’ve lived at for years, and probably good, even if it feels like an ill-fitting coat.

After several quieter days (we even had a weekend at home last week), tomorrow we’re travelling again. David and our youngest son are driving eight hours north to see David’s mum. I’m travelling an hour away with a friend to a women’s convention for the weekend (and doing a little bit of up-front speaking). Much like I wrote about last week: the pace here keeps changing, and somehow we need to keep adjusting to it. I guess that’s making us more flexible?

Wisdom and peace about what I do

Last week we started to see a bit more spaciousness in our schedule. Finally! This year has been a fairly continuous hard slog. By God's grace we've made it through thus far, but without a clear holiday yet in view, it's really good to find that we can slow down in the midst of it all. But as usual, I find it's a mental and emotional challenge to change pace.

Somewhat random photo that I took
in WA when we were on Rottnest Is.

Last week we had three quieter days and then headed up to the town where I was born and raised. During the four days we spent there we had two formal speaking opportunities as well as time to catch up with family and friends (including a short and furious op-shop crawl). We stayed with my parents and had lots of time to touch base with them. That was all very good, but also tiring! We drove back late Sunday afternoon and I backed up on Monday with an all-day Zoom meeting with most of our magazine team. That was also very good, but also tiring. 

I slept 11 hours Monday night and spent a lot of Tuesday just sitting around (I did finish a book). On Wednesday I had more energy, enough to do some weekly household chores and more elaborate baking than I've done for months. That night I slept badly (again), but was able to sleep in on Thursday morning. Lacking much routine has good and bad points. Being able to sleep in as much as I need some mornings is one of the good points!

The mental battle for me with such a varied schedule basically runs along the lines of internal dialogue that says:You're being lazy . . . that's okay, I'm being kind to myself . . . but couldn't you be using this time better . . . oh look, there's a cool thing to read or play or watch . . . a whole day has gone by and what do you have to show for it? . . . it's been hard few years, the psychologist said to aim for boredom . . . you haven't had it as hard as others . . . etc. 

Yes, I need to remind myself of this blogpost from August: An aha moment

I also need to remind myself that I'm not defined by my schedule, I'm not defined by what I do, or how much I do, or how well I do it. That's a really hard thing to embrace. David and I are somewhat defined by the label we wear, by the calling we have: missionaries or cross-cultural workers. It's hard to combat that. What we do shapes how we live far more than if we had jobs in Australia, much like how being in the military shapes and defines people far more than civilian life. I think it's also a facet of jobs that fall more into the "calling" category.

At this point I need to stop and remember what God says about my identity. It turns out he says a lot. Here's one portion from Ephesians 2:

Now God has us where he wants us, with all the time in this world and the next to shower grace and kindness upon us in Christ Jesus. Saving is all his idea, and all his work. All we do is trust him enough to let him do it. It’s God’s gift from start to finish! We don’t play the major role. If we did, we’d probably go around bragging that we’d done the whole thing! No, we neither make nor save ourselves. God does both the making and saving. He creates each of us by Christ Jesus to join him in the work he does, the good work he has gotten ready for us to do, work we had better be doing. (vv. 7–10, The Message).

Yes, it's a different version to what many of us are used to reading, but sometimes that is helpful. In this case it reminds me that I'm not indispensable, that what I do is something God's prepared for me to do. And to balance it out, what I do is not to earn the reward of God's love. As Philip Yancey wrote, "There is nothing we can do to make God love us more and there is nothing we can do to make God love us less."

So I needn't be afraid that I'm being lazy, but should trust that this quieter time is God's gift to us. We're in this for the long-term, so taking care of ourselves is an important part of staying the course. I know that in my head, but I still have those internal dialogue battles!

I read an article recently on Forbes.com that talked about how we often define ourselves by our jobs, and how that can be negative, especially if we're between jobs, or if our job title doesn't interest others. The author suggested: 

The next time someone asks you the question, “What do you do?” share something else about who you are and what you care about that goes beyond your job title alone. Doing this reinforce more dimensions of your work and identity so others can have a more complete picture of who you are and what you stand for.

That bears some thinking upon...

At the moment our job is to talk to people about what we do and where we do it. It's actually a battle to help people understand because they feel like our lives are so different to theirs and they come to us with a lot of preconceptions about who we are and what we do. On Sunday I had someone come up to me at the church where we'd spoken who made a confession: that day, for the first time, she'd understood what I do. She'd heard us speak several times in the past couple of decades, but hadn't understood. I don't know why—she wasn't keen for a long conversation and took off as soon as she's said that. I'd love to have talked longer to discover what it was that we said on Sunday that helped.

Writing like this makes me feel nervous. I'm nervous that someone is going to point out that I'm not doing enough, that I am not enough.

Someone suggested to me recently that those negative thoughts are from the enemy, but I'm not so sure that they all are. I've been conscientious all my life, it helps me get my job done when I have little supervision or accountability. And I've also been present at plenty of Christian events where I've been told (overtly or otherwise) I need to do more—more evangelism, more discipleship, more theological study, more prayer, more family-based devotions, more and more... 

I'm just not sure I'm wise enough to discern which of these thoughts in my head are right and worth listening to, and which aren't. 

What comes with the territory as a missionary is frequently being asked "What can we pray for?" (Seriously, as well as writing a monthly prayer letter, I answer at least two or three emails a month with this specific request from our organisation.) One of my most common requests is for wisdom. A thoroughly biblical prayer:

If any of you lacks wisdom, you should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to you (James 1:5 NIV).

And here I will end this meandering collection of thoughts and head into what's looking like a potentially quiet weekend!

Margin: something I need, but also struggle with

Margin: it's something I've written about (e.g. https://mmuser.blogspot.com/2015/08/margin-in-life.html), but not always been good at doing. When I saw this blog post by Beth Bathelemy I was reminded again about margin. Not just how important it is, but why I struggle not just to keep it, but sometimes when I'm in that space of not-so-busy, I feel uncomfortable.

I ran into a quiet spot in my work on Friday
when I was basically waiting for other 
people to do stuff. Margin! So I rode to my
favourite local park for a couple of hours.

But first, what is margin? Beth shared this great quote by Richard Swenson:

“Margin is the space between our load and our limits. It is the amount allowed beyond that which is needed. It is something held in reserve for contingencies or unanticipated situations. Margin is the gap between rest and exhaustion, the space between breathing freely and suffocating.”

When I find myself without much margin in my days, things in our lives get compromised that shouldn't be. That can be important work matters, or it can be family, or not being able to help someone else. Without much margin my health suffers: I don't get exercise, or my eating gets sporadic and unhealthy, and because I'm the manager of our larder and maker of our evening meal, if I don't have much margin that spills over to affect everyone else in the family too. If I've overcommitted, I'm often not sleeping well and responsibilities that I have aren't being attended to. I can't pay as much attention to the people in my life if I don't have good margin and I begin to suffocate and let others down.

I thought I had plenty of margin at the start of August in Australia when I'd planned to start back at work after six weeks off. However, in that first week we had family drama as we had flights cancelled, then rebooked, and then an emotional farewell as half our family flew back to Japan. My middle son and I cleaned and moved into new accommodation, and had to adapt to living with another family. Plus we received a new diagnosis to add to the others our son already has. In the middle of all that I sat back at my editor's desk where a large amount had piled up in my absence. Then my throat and head started hurting and I started coughing . . . and it was COVID. All my margin was gone and it took weeks to get back to a place where margin was again in place. I had miscalculated, but also run into some large, unexpected things. And that's really partly what margin is for: to give room for the unexpected. It's just that, in this case, I didn't allow enough (and of course, it is not always possible to allow enough margin).

As a writer and creator I find I also need margin to think, to ponder, to reflect, and to write. The extroverted part of me struggles with that sometimes, but I'm generally happier and more balanced if I've had time alone to think.

However, I also grew up with a strong work-ethic instilled in me. So these words of Beth's also spoke pointedly, they echo some of the struggles I have when I'm not-so-busy:

Recently, however, familiar doubts crept back into my heart and mind. Am I doing enough? Will this read impressively in my newsletter? Is our ministry fruitful enough? And from this lowly place of insecurity, doubt, and discouragement, I forfeited my margin.

I think it's something that people in ministry struggle with especially. Usually we have a lot of drive, are conscientious, and feel the pressure of the overwhelming needs around us. Consider that we ourselves work in a land where less than 1% of people know Jesus and not many more than that have even heard of him. Plus, we live a little bit in a glasshouse: writing prayer letters every month, and responding regularly to a variety of other requests for information about how our ministry is going. All these things can pressure us to increase the load of what we do until we have nothing spare.

But Beth concludes with thoughts like these:

What if we were to put aside our ill-conceived, worldly perspectives on success and productivity? What if we rejected the false narratives of self-importance and worth based on accomplishment? What if we, like Christ, “self-empty” ourselves unto God?

These are good thoughts. I'm full of pride, I know. I measure my days according to how many things I've knocked off my to-do list. I like to think of myself as productive and useful, skillful and clever. What would it look like to move further away from all that?

I'm reading a short book right now by Timothy Keller called The Freedom of Self-forgetfulness.
Where I left the bookmark last night it says:

"So Paul does not look to the Corinthians for his identity. He does not go to them for the verdict that he is a 'somebody'. He does not get that sense of identity from them. But he does not get it from himself either. He knows that trying to find self-esteem by living up to a certain set of standards is a trap " (p. 28).

Paul and Keller exhort us to let go of the idea that we can get our identity from what others think of us, and even from living up to our own standards. We are loved by God. Not because of what we've done for him, but because of what he's already done for us.

Another book I've finished recently called Gentle and Lowly by Dane Ortlund says a similar thing. Christ loves us far more than we can comprehend, and our response should be to simply obey the invitation in Matthew 11:28: "Come to me."

But, on the other hand I've also realised that God has created us to both do and be. I'm still trying to balance that up, but I don't think this side of heaven I'll get it right. I can recount many times that I've been told or heard sermons or talks that said that we ought not to look at our schedules for our self-worth. But I also know that God tells us to do stuff. Yes, our primary worth is as a human being made by God, but we've been gifted with varying levels of strength and intellect, gifts and talents, wealth and opportunities. God calls us to DO stuff. Not because that's the way we earn his love, but because we love to serve him, but how easy it is to switch those two things!

So, how to live with these two things in balance? How can I be comfortable with "being", with dwelling in that space between my responsibilities and what my ultimate limit is? How can I fulfil my responsibilities without feeling that they add up to my worth, and therefore when I'm not "doing" I still have worth?

These are questions that I don't think I have an answer to yet. At the moment I'm being very careful about what I say yes to, beyond my usual responsibilities. I know that just under the surface lurk things that tap my energy, and often they are difficult to predict. Some days I just feel overwhelmingly tired by 8pm and struggle to get up in the morning, for no discernable reason. I also know, looking ahead, that we've got some big transitions next year that will take a lot of energy.

So, I'm moving ahead, walking tentatively and keeping my eyes on Jesus, rather on my own nervous, flaky self. And surrounding myself with people and habits that will correct my course when it goes astray.