A bit chilly in Tokyo

Here is another topic that hits missionary's budgets: heating. I wrote a more detailed blog post about this some time ago, that you can find here.

For today I thought I'd show you what I did this morning, in my dressing gown, in our backyard. 

I'd just taken the second photo of the low outside temperature from inside when I discovered our kerosene heater downstairs (our main source of heat during the day) had run out of fuel. So I popped out the "back door" and filled up the metal tank from one of our two portable kerosene tanks using a simple hand-operated siphoning pump.

I'm glad we now do this out the back, previously we used to have to go out the front (practically onto the road) and squeeze down the side of the carport between bikes and the dusty car to where we stored the kerosene. Not something you do in your dressing gown and fluffy PJs at 8.15am on a school day!

We use kerosene rather than air conditioning or gas because it is the cheapest way to heat here. We do have three electric heaters upstairs (bathroom and boy-bedrooms), but they are only used for short periods when people are using those rooms. Kerosene is a common way that Japanese people heat their houses.

But yes, things are a bit chilly around here, a normal Tokyo winter. I've become aware that I could be storing most of the food from my fridge in the stairwell/entry way. The temperature there hasn't gone above 10C for a while. It's not as cold as many parts of Japan north of here (and up in the mountains), but as we've got poor insulation in our house (including a number of large windows) and no central heating, it's cold enough for me.

These days David and I are sleeping with our electric blanket on low and with beanies and two bankets and a thick doona (duvet/comforter/Continental quilt). I've also added a soft neck warmer in recent days to help with the muscle tightness I struggle with. My boys laugh.

Thinking about stuff...

What am I thinking about?

Turns out, that, as usual, there's lots going on in my head.

I read this article yesterday about iNtuitives on the Myers-Briggs inventory. A lot of it describes me. In this case, the "overanalysing everything" fits. I had space this weekend to think and it was great! 

I'm thinking that a ride might be good thing to factor into my
schedule this week!

Editing and networking
I went to a meeting last Friday at our Japan headquarters about revamping the OMF Japan website with the aim of using it better for mobilisation of people into mission involvement.  One of the jobs is to get a bunch more current stories up there and keep them coming. My expertise is in the writing/editing side of things, so that's what I'm working on. I mentioned last week that I've recently started editing blog posts for one of our Japan regions, and that's going to be expanded to cover all our three regions. So I'll need help as my plate is already pretty full.

So I've been searching out new editors as well as thinking about guidelines for writers. As of today, we've got three potential editors on the sidelines, two of whom need a bit of mentoring. But I'm excited, I love getting people's stories out there. I love involving other people in my work, building a team. I also love seeing people develop their abilities and moving into areas where they're skilled. I also love new projects (another aspect of my iNtuitive personality). 

Illness among missionaries
Our mission's field director in Japan has been battling two rare blood cancers this year. A couple of months ago they received the unexpected news that the cancer hadn't responded well to the chemo he'd already received. He's now undergoing even stronger chemotherapy and has a stem cell transplant is coming up too. As I work closely with his wife (our personnel director) this is never far from our mind.

Then a couple of weeks ago we heard that the elementary art teacher from school had been diagnosed with a large brain tumour. She had emergency surgery to save her life last week and they found an extra tumour that wasn't there a few days earlier during her scan. There's another they weren't able to get and are planning to operate again this week. The cancer is aggressive and malignant. Her husband is the school's long-term and much beloved business manager. They grew up themselves in Japan and are both CAJ alumni, so have a real heart for missionary kids. They're also members of our church here. You can understand that it's been a big shock for us and many around the world who know this family.

Then yesterday I was reminded by FB that I posted about stress and missionaries two years ago on this day. I referenced a study that "revealed that 200 points of stressful life events caused 50 percent of people to become seriously ill (cancer, heart attack) within the subsequent two years." Noting that the missionaries they studied had an average of 600 points of stress! Though it distresses us when missionaries get ill, it really shouldn't surprise us. Especially when we take into consideration spiritual warfare as well.

Exhaustion
I was really tired last week (probably pushed over the edge by our snow-camp). It was hard to get out of bed every day (barring Wednesday when I woke early with news related to the above illnesses running relentlessly through my head). I also craved coffee every day, which is a sure sign that I'm over-tired, and a warning sign that I need to rest. 

Thankfully yesterday afternoon I was able to take a nap, I put my eye mask on at 2.45 and was awoken by the community "go home" bells at 4.20. My husband also reminded me of the borderline anaemia that showed up on a blood test in April, so I'm trialling a low dose of iron supplements. I'm hopeful this will help and very much looking forward to our week away in 12 days!

Wrestling
To finish on a less serious topic, wrestling season is upon us. Yay! This Saturday are the first tournaments and the high school one is in our "backyard". CAJ is hosting and I'm in charge of providing breakfast and lunch for 25 coaches and refs. Um...yeah, I'll let you know how that turns out.

It will also be our family's first time to split up during the wrestling season. Our youngest is an official member of the middle school team and they're competing at a different school at the same time. David's driving the middle school team and I'm staying here with the high schoolers. Thankfully it isn't too hard to video a wrestling match, and we'll be able to share!


So there, are you a bit scared at everything going on in my head? I didn't even mentioned Christmas shopping or the ongoing magazine editing or regularly feed-and-clothe-and-provide-a -home-for-the-boys, nor the all-day prayer meeting David and I went to today on the other side of Tokyo! If you pray, please do keep us in your prayers. Sometimes when I take a step back and look at our lives it scares me!

Struggling with pride

I was recently introduced to a lady in her 50s at an English-speaking Christian women's gathering. She'd only been in Japan for nine weeks. Within a couple of minutes I was shocked as she admitted, "I came to Japan on the condition that I be allowed to buy all new stuff."

Huh? Many of the women at the gathering were missionaries, and I'd assumed she was too. My first reaction was one of judgement, What sort of attitude is that to have about being called to Japan? As the conversation progressed I realised that she possibly wasn't a missionary, and I had the opportunity to ask this later when we prayed together. She was the wife of a businessman. Still, I had trouble stilling that internal voice of contempt at the blatant materialism.

You see it is so far from how we and most of our colleagues live our lives, where we survive on a lot of secondhand and hand-me-down goods. I love new stuff as much as the next girl, but it simply isn't the first route that we choose for getting most things we need, particularly the larger items.

As I baked this afternoon my thoughts drifted along lines of where I had gotten a lot of my kitchen stuff. 

My "new" flour container.

My pink Tupperware flour container comes from my friend who recently left for Singapore (I posted about that here). Some of my larger oven trays come from a friend who's gone to her heavenly home. She gave them to me before she went back to the UK for cancer treatment. 

Oven trays, many of which were
given to us.

A few of our pieces of furniture come from missionaries we've hardly met. The telephone stand/cupboard houses all my recipe books and is very handy. It came from a family that had to return to Australia due to ill health.

Our telephone stand/cupboard.

We also have a number of things acquired more anonymously, like at second-hand stores or garage sales. Our little food processor I bought in Hokkaido very early in our time in Japan. I was so pleased at my "cheap" food processor.

My second-hand
food processor.

Ah, the memories, the connections (see here for a post on connections we find through food). Memories that new things just don't have. I'm not discontent with my lifestyle. Most of the time I'm not hankering after new things. That makes it hard when I encounter those who do. My first reaction is judgement against the materialism that I can so clearly see in them. However, it isn't my job to judge them, not even in my thoughts. 

I'm glad that I was forced to remain in that little table group on Tuesday and pray for that lady. Probing more deeply, she and her husband did feel "called" to Japan, but now she's here she doesn't know what God has for her to do. So I prayed for her. I asked God later for forgiveness for my judgemental heart, and asked him to reveal my own faults, because as soon as I put her down (even in my head), I'm elevating myself, as if I'm better in His sight than she is, just because I live a more modest lifestyle.

Pride. It is something that I don't want to take back with me to wealthy Australia next year. There is no good in being prideful that we manage to live on a small budget. But it is an insidious beast, poking its head up where it isn't wanted.

Lurking but not commenting

This post has been lurking in my drafts box since April, but I reckon it is worth dragging out into the daylight.

Karen and Sarah wrote the below comments on my post about awkward encounters with people who read your blog:

Karen: I don't get many comments on my blog but many people have said to me they've read it (but not commented). So then I feel left in the same position as you...how much have they read? Did I inadvertently offend (this has happened before)? What did you actually think about what I said? (because often they don't say any more than that they've read it and enjoy it). But I'm never brave enough to ask those kind of questions out loud. 

Sarah: I've had the same experience as Karen in that I've had people approach me and tell me they've been reading my blog. When I say to them (smiling), "You should come out of lurking and leave me a comment," they just smirk and say, "Oh I don't leave comments."

To tell the truth, sometimes these interactions give me the creeps. It's a jerking reminder that what I write is on the internet and could be read by anybody.

But on the other hand, what does that say about people who lurk but don't comment. I'm wondering if it's the whole voyeurism thing. It can give someone a sense of power reading someone else's personal thoughts. They know you well (or feel they do) and that gives them a sense of power because you've done all the sharing and leaving a comment would mean they have to share a bit too. I don't know, I'd be interested in anyone else's thoughts on this... :) 

Anyone have thoughts to share on this?

More big thoughts on small talk

I've probably put some people off ever talking to me again after yesterday's post. 

Just so as you don't misunderstand me. Small talk IS important. Just as warming up before exercise is important. Plunging straight into "Big" talk doesn't work really well, even with the closest of friends. And it makes most people feel nervous. Plunging straight into vigorous exercise without limbering up a little is actually pretty dangerous. 

But look at it the other way, if you only ever do the warming up exercises and never get to the vigorous exercise, you'll have a very shallow exercise experience. You'll never develop the fitness you desire. Just so, if you only ever remain on small talk, you'll never develop a friendship past a very shallow relationship. And of course that is what happens with most people you meet - it is impossible to have more than a shallow relationship with very many people. The frustration I expressed yesterday is with longer-term relationships that get stuck on the small talk level.

Dan made an important point on my Facebook page in relation to yesterday's post he said:

"...We find that this is difficult when we return to the US after being in Japan. We too want to move quickly from small talk (level 1) to more deeper levels (2-5), but you will see the person become uncomfortable. Those of us who have been in an expatriate situation know that it is important to develop our friendships quickly as we may not have much time with our new friends."

I look back at me in the past and sometimes wonder how I became predisposed to loving deep conversation. Some of it is my inbuilt personality - extrovert, loves to talk. Some of it is the relationships I developed at uni and especially the residential college (dorm for the Americans) I lived in. 

On top of that we've come overseas and Dan makes the point very well. There is transition going on around us all the time. Either it is us, or someone close to us who is coming or going. Whichever way, there is a sense of "we don't have much time to invest in this relationship" and that sense of urgency drives us deeper faster. 

There is also a knowledge that good relationships, many of them long-distance, is what helps us to survive the challenges of living in another country. We cannot sit back and assume that relationships will just develop with those who are around us, because we aren't very similar to the people who are around us. Our lives are very different to most people we meet. That requires a special level of intentional effort on our part and doesn't allow for passivity in relationship building.

Then we take this learned behaviour "home" with us and it probably makes some people very uncomfortable. Our best friends at home are those who like to go deep quickly too. But just in case you're wondering, we don't rock up to them and say, "Hi, haven't seen you for four years. How's your relationship with the Lord going?" No, of course we spend time talking about surface things (warming up), but quickly move on to deeper topics (the real exercise) because we know that we won't have long to spend with these friend either and it is a waste of time to sit around talking for a long time about the latest shopping bargains we got or how badly the Australian cricket team is playing.

So, please don't feel I'm condemning small talk. It is a very important part of relationship building. In fact, those who struggle to make small talk are seriously limited in their ability to get along in almost any social situation. All I am saying is that I long for deeper conversations (preluded by small talk, of course).

Small talk

I was glad to read on someone's blog recently that she isn't a "small talker". I can do small talk and frequently do. But I feel uncomfortable, to the point of avoiding situations, where small talk is all I'm going to be able to do for a lengthy period (even 30 minutes of small talk is tough). I especially dislike extended periods of small talk with people who aren't strangers.

This is a good definition of small talk:

"small talk is the interim banter before a real conversation develops. Small talk generally revolves around safe issues such as the weather or other surface mutual interests."

The online Cambridge dictionary defines small talk as thus:

"conversation about things which are not important, often between people who do not know each other well"

I prefer "real" conversations about things that are a little deeper and more important.

Here is an interesting classification of friendships. The blog author suggests four types of friendship:

1. Acquaintances (people you are on first name basis with, but never get beyond small talk)

2. Buddies (people you have fun with)

3. Consultant (a friend you turn to for advice)

4. Dearest (friends that will always be there for you)

I also like the concept I came across at a workshop back in 2004. It is called the "Friendship Stack". It is a list of questions that represent increasingly deeper conversation. I think it is designed to give a guide to Christians wishing to deepen conversations with people they've only just met, but it does help to see how various topic of conversation can be categorised.

What is your name?

Where do you live?

Do you have a family?

Do you do any travelling?

Do you have any hobbies?

What are your ideas on...

Problems or frustrations

What are your goals for the future?

Achievements

Affirmation of the person

Brief prayer

How about you? Where do you stand with small talk?

Meet the neighbours while sweeping the gutters

If you've been reading for a few months, you'll know I have an ongoing issue with the road gutters outside our house. You can go back and have a look here and here to refresh your memory.

Then last week, when I had a house full of sickies, I dashed out to grab my bicycle for a trip to get lemonade at the shop and there is my neighbour sweeping my gutters again. Embarrassing, but what could I do?

I was fuming about it all a bit because I'm not really into what seems like non-essential housework and it just seems a bit of keeping up with the neighbours - see who can get to it first! And I have plenty other things to do with my time.

But yesterday we had a nasty storm before breakfast (yes, weird!) and then heaps of wind -  because we're coming to the end of autumn this meant heaps of leaves. And even I can see that that mess needed cleaning up. So, when I returned from taking child three to school I saw an unusually tidy pile of leaves in our gutter. It seems that our neighbour was at it again, leaving subtle hints around.

So, as I had the time, I immediately went to work.

Last night as we returned from the school's Christmas performance, we noticed that the strong wind all afternoon had produced more leaves. So this morning, I hustled outside mid-morning and started sweeping. An extra bonus was that David had gone to do some car-related errands, so I could get to the car port too.

I must have made enough noises as I left because my youngest son came out and joined me, helping with the broom and shifting heavy concrete blocks. 

First one neighbour (not the hyper vigilant one) came out and hopped in her car and left, not without noticing and commenting on my cute helper. I hadn't even noticed, but my freckled five-year-old had his 'Santa' hat on.

Then our other neighbours came out, applauding our work (that was pretty gratifying). They too were impressed with my 5 y.o.'s work and hat (maybe in that order too). They even inspected the gutters after my son levered the concrete blocks out of the way and pronounced them "not too bad".

Then they gave me some pruning advice on one of our small trees out the back and lent us a some long-handled pruning shears to do the job (no getting out of it now). Apparently our elderly neighbour had climbed the fence between our two houses in the couple of months of vacancy that preceded our moving in, just to do some pruning. (There is not enough room for an average sized adult to walk down the side of the house from the street to the garden.) They're pretty keen about gardening! His wife didn't think he should be climbing fences any more though, and I'd have to agree, they must be at least in their 70s or 80s.

So now I feel like I've made a little bit of progress in gaining the acquaintance and favour of our neighbours. No mean feat in Japan. Perhaps there is meaning to sweeping gutters, after all - meeting the neighbours.

And I also know that we 'caretake' a Japanese crape myrtle tree, which should produce some lovely white flowers in spring.