Short-term friendships

I've been stung. Maybe you have too? 

This is Catherine, one of the friends God has blessed me with
for this season.

Many of the relationships that I've invested in in the past in Japan are either now non-existent, or only exist on social media. I live in an ever revolving door of friendships. That's a common experience for missionaries and exacerbated in our personal situation by our close connection with an international school. (International schools have a higher turn-over even than mission organisations do, although the school we're associated at is not as bad as many in that regard.)

It would be easy for me to decide to stop investing in other people. But it would not be easy to continue to live here if I kept doing that. Yes, I can choose to be careful who I invest in, but I would only hurt myself if I decided that I would not be friends with anyone who I encounter here in Japan.

Newcomers to cross-cultural work sometimes complain that expats who've been round a while are slow to befriend them. I think that is mainly because of the tendency to "sniff them out". To gauge how long they might be likely to stay. To decide who is worth investing time in or not. That's the experience of Christie, the woman who wrote this article.

As she points out, making new friends is exhausting, and giving your heart again and again to others, to only have the pain of saying goodbye to them, is painful.

However, she makes some good points in favour of short-term friendships that are worth considering. Do go and read her article, but I'll expand on some of the reasons that resonate with me:

Gaining different life experience

I've learned so much in this crazy life. I try to get out a map when I'm getting to know people, so I've learned a lot of geography from the many people I've met. I can even tell you that Chicago is nowhere near New York or LA, I've learned that not many people picnic in the park in South Africa (at least I think that's right...that conversation was a while ago), and that Chinese are much more spontaneous than Japanese.

If you're a Facebook friend of mine you'll know that I've also learned a lot about language (it's fun asking word-questions of my friends who come from many different corners of the globe). I've learned about different cultures and had my life enriched in so many ways that I would have missed if I had only lived in one small town my whole life.

Finding peope who understand your expat life

In actual fact I miss having expats around me when we're in Australia. There is a bonding in the common life experience of major life moves, being without family, being an alien in this country, etc. that draws you together. There are things that we don't need to say between one another, yet when we talk with people who've never moved internationally, require lots of explanation.

Fast bonding and spontaneous gatherings

Knowing that that a friendship is almost probably short-term can help you bond quickly and be more spontaneous in gathering. And of course, the prerequisite understanding of the challenges of this life as mentioned above, helps too.

Bonding quickly and having a "seize the day" attitude has been a common experience. I think I've absorbed this so much that I can scare people I meet in Australia by going deep too fast for their comfort level.

Practical benefits

Word-of-mouth is a key way expats stay afloat in a place they're not natives to. Everything from doctors and dentists, to a good grocery store or park. Practically, we're often helping each other with things like a lift to an event, or help during a big more, or just being "family" when family can't be present.

So I continue to be committed to making friends here in Japan. Maybe one day I'll be blessed with opportunities to rekindle some of them longer-term elsewhere. But for now, I'll be content with what I have and not run with fear at the goodbyes that are inevitable.