Thoughts about lamenting

The other day when I was editing an article I came across the suggestion that lamenting might be an important thing to do if you want to build up your resilience and yet struggling with emotions.

This helpful article defines lament as "a Christian response of grief to suffering, injustice, and pain in the world, past or present."

I took a bit of time to see what "lamenting" actually meant and came across an interesting article here (as well as many others). 

It points out that many, if not most, churches in the West spend little time on lamenting. We tend to major on rejoicing. And of course, we are commanded to "Rejoice in the Lord always" (Phil. 4:4 NIV).

However, it is worth noting that a good portion of the Bible isn't joyful. Lamenting is, indeed, a common theme. Starting with the obvious: the Psalms, scholars vary in their assessment of this, but I've read that "lament psalms" make up between 30 and 45% of the book of Psalms (even that up to 60% of Psalms have sections of lament in them).

But also there is much lamenting in the books of Job, Jeremiah, Hosea, Isaiah, and so on, and of course, a whole book called Lamentations. Jesus lamented and Paul, Peter, and John, all lamented at times in their writing. The whole Bible is full of God (and his people) lamenting over sin and the consequences of sin. Romans even says that the whole creation groans (8:22). 

So what does this mean for me and you?

Here are a few thoughts:

1. Not quickly glossing over the not-so-joyful bits of Scripture. God's put them there for a reason, so we should read and ponder.
2. Taking time to lament, even when things are going well in our own lives. Give me 20 seconds and I can rattle off half a dozen people I know who are going through tough times right now. These are people who have been in my prayers recently. God calls us to "weep with those who are weeping" (Romans 12:15 NIV).
3. If I'm struggling to find something to lament in my own life, I need to ask God to show me my sin.
4. If I'm struggling to find something to lament about in the cultures around me, I need to ask for God's eyes to see and have the same heart that Jesus had when he looked at Jerusalem in Matthew 23:37.
5. If I'm struggling to find words to express to God my sadness, disappointment, anger, agony, confusion, or desperation, I can use the words of Scripture to help. Remember, Wendy, God is big enough to take our pain! Jesus dealt with more than that on the cross. For example, we can pray the words of Psalm 13.
6. Even if things are going well for us, practicing lamenting can prepare us for hard times that will inevitably come our way.

I don't like dwelling with bad feelings. I suspect I'm not the only one. But as I've gotten older I find myself able to identify more swings of emotions that I can ever remember having when I was younger. I'm much more aware of the pain in life, much less starry-eyed.

These few weeks are another period of transition in our year, as school starts up again. I didn't get time to write about early June when the last one happened. It was full of end-of-school events and farewell events. Once again, it was a time for goodbyes and see-you-laters (those being two very different things). This time of year everything at school starts up again (like February in Australia). There are new people to meet, "start of year" events to go to, and absences to notice.

Periodically I feel morose and need to take time to lament, not just drag myself out of the mud and keep going. However, praise is also important, and that is also what we see in many of the Psalms, they start with lamentation, but end in praising God. Like this:

Why, my soul, are you downcast?
    Why so disturbed within me?
Put your hope in God,
    for I will yet praise him,
    my Savior and my God. (Ps. 42:11 NIV)

For any who would like to think on this further. Here is an excellent article from desiringgod.org: https://www.desiringgod.org/articles/dare-to-hope-in-god 

Newbie and oldie missionaries

We've been through a season of many goodbyes and now we're in a season of hellos. Not just "Hi again," after 12 months but "Hi, my name is Wendy, this is my husband David and our three boys..."

Two missionary friends/colleagues who are no longer
here in Japan. 

It is a season of making new starts, getting to know new people. Even more, it turns out, after having been away for 12 months. We're saying hello to all the new folk in the CAJ/local missions community who've arrived in the last 14 months. This year, it turns out, there has been quite a high turn-over of staff. There are 12 new staff at the school, plus their families.

We've been privileged to have already met three of the incoming staff-families. Two of them came to dinner over the last couple of weeks and the third we met at church today. 

A fourth new staff member we met is more of a family member, she calls me Aunty Wendy and has known me for as long as we've been in Japan. She's an OMF kid, now adult, and will be teaching at the school this year.

But all that aside, the season of meeting new people, while expected, can be a bit overwhelming and unsettling. We're now "oldies" in the Japan missionary world, over the average length of missionary service (though I can't remember what that figure is, but 15 years, is definitely over the line). Constantly welcoming newbies can be a challenge. Refreshing in some ways, hard in others.

I've been going through photos from four years ago (gotten behind in printing some for albums). Yesterday I saw two photos from just after the earthquake (one is above) and three friends who used to live in this area who are no longer here. It's sad. Welcoming new people means that we've also said goodbye to people we knew, people we were friends with.

I stumbled upon this blog post the other day, a short gracious article with advice for newbie missionaries from oldies. I was particularly moved by her words at the end of the article:

I remember as a Newbie, I was eager to dive into relationships with everyone in our missionary community.  We had everyone over for dinner.  We wanted to get to know everyone…and we did!  Then….people started leaving.  And leaving.  And leaving.   People’s terms ended, emergencies happened, health concerns came up.  We stayed, but everyone we loved kept leaving.  Choosing an overseas life means choosing a life of saying good-bye.

After a while, it just gets hard to initiate relationships with all the Newbies.  If we hold ourselves aloof from you, it’s because of the callouses that have grown on our hearts from so many wonderful friends leaving us.  We might not even consciously realize that we are holding ourselves back from you.  This doesn’t mean we don’t want to be friends with you.  It does mean that it may take more time for Oldies to open up.  Please don’t give up on us.  We need your optimism and energy as much as you need our experience and advice.

And then people started leaving . . . and leaving . . . and leaving.

It is easy to get stuck in a rut, even as a missionary. New people coming into our acquaintance challenges us and keeps us from getting too stuck in our ways.

A friend wrote this to me a few years ago:

Year after year I become more and more aware at how ill-qualified I am to comment on Japanese life and how often I have misjudged the society and the people. It's caused me to look hard inside myself at my own prejudices, and I've been ashamed to find that, while I don't hold racial prejudice, I am rather set in my ways about I live and think. Meeting new staff at school is always good for me because it gives me the chance to see things again through fresh eyes. I guess I'm trying to rid myself of any sense of 'my way is better' and I find that quite difficult.

So, though it can be hard to keep meeting new people and welcoming them into the community, it is important and keeps us fresh. Only God knows what valuable contribution they might make to our lives, or the life of the school community.


PS On a slightly different topic, it's always a bit strange being a staff-spouse (it's another hat I don't talk about much). You are sort-of on the inside, but not really. You might be interested in what I wrote about that a couple of years ago: Part 1 and Part 2.

TCKs and Grief

This last week we had some special events at school about TCK (Third Culture Kids) issues.* I didn't get to any of them, but I've been to similar events in previous years and am well aware of the challenges that face our boys, especially as we make a big transition in four month's time. All of our boys did get to go to age-appropriate seminars about transition. I'm not sure how much they got out of them, but at least they've had the opportunity to reflect specifically about the issues.

One of the things that they talk about is building a RAFT, which stands for

Reconcile—trying to resolve any conflict before leaving 

Affirm—telling important people how much they are valued before you leave 

Farewells—not just to the obvious, but also to places, pets, etc. 

Think and talk destination—develop realistic expectations about your destination

This family are friends of ours who were here for only a year.
They came, we spent time together, they left. Life
on the mission field and at CAJ is littered with
such stories!

I think we do fairly well on at least the last one. Not so sure about the others. But we'll need to try to do what we can. What's not in that acronym is praying about the future, especially I like to pray that God will prepare friendships and opportunities at the other end for my boys. Those are things you can't particularly control, but are very important.

For example, last time we did this big change, our eldest was 11 and just starting to make friends at school here when we went to Australia (he'd only been at CAJ for two years when we left). He struggled to make friends in his new school. 

One of the key things he used to do at school here with friends was play basketball at lunch-time. That opportunity wasn't there at his new school: the basketball court was out-of-bounds for primary schoolers. He hated this, so we explored other options. We signed him up to a basketball club and he trained and played with them for the rest of the 12 months we were in Australia. It definitely helped. He also gradually made some friends at school which made a difference too.

It's challenging as a parent to see your kids struggle over the friends issue. Even harder when you know that it is your job that has caused some of the problems, and that you don't have much control over it.

The population at a school like ours is quite fluid. Friends come and go, even if you aren't leaving yourself. That makes relationships more than the usual level of challenge.

The other day I came across an excellent article about third culture kids and grief. I especially like this quote at the beginning:

“One of the major areas in working with TCKs is that of…dealing with the issue of unresolved grief. They are always leaving or being left. Relationships are short-lived.At the end of each school year, a certain number of the student body leaves, not just for the summer, but for good.It has to be up to the parent to provide a framework of support and careful understanding as the child learns to deal with this repetitive grief. Most TCKs go through more grief experiences by the time they are 20 than monocultural individuals do in a lifetime.”  Dave Pollock

* A TCK is a child who's spent a significant period of their formative years in a culture that is not their passport culture.  I've written a little bit about it before, here's one post.

A special goodbye

In mission work we're always saying goodbyes. It is easy to become a bit blasé about it after a while.

Dorothea in white with her husband beside her while
we prayed for them.

Yesterday, however, we participated in a bigger "goodbye" than usual. It was the handover of Japan field leadership. The couple, Wolfgang and Dorothea Langhan who've served as Field Director for the last ten years handed over leadership, as per OMF policy. Ten years is the maximum a leader can serve in one position.

However, it isn't like an election where we've booted out one set of leaders for a more popular one. We love the Langhans. They've loved us, and loved our kids. We're sad to see them leave, but also happy for them that the heavy mantle of Field leadership has been lifted from their shoulders. It was a blessed time of giving thanks for their servant leadership and sending them onwards with our prayers.

At the same time we welcomed in a new couple into Field Leadership, David and Lorna Ferguson. They were warmly affirmed and blessed by our prayers and encouragement from God's word.

This transition has been "in the works" for a couple of years. We've agreed as a field that these are the leaders that God has raised up. But still transition can make people uneasy. And this isn't the only leadership transition in recent months within OMF Japan. The two current leaders directly under the Japan Field Director, regional directors, have each been in place less than one year.

It's at times like these that it is good to be reminded of Jesus' words recorded in Matthew 28:20, "I am with you always." Even though our earthly leaders change, our heavenly Father, who never sleeps, is always with us.

It was wonderful to be a part of this important moment in OMF Japan's ministry in Japan. We are so blessed to have such godly, yet humble leaders in our mission. And leaders who aren't in another country. Leaders who know what it is like to live here, who know first-hand the struggles we have. Leaders who invite us into their lives and are also keen to get to know us "on our turf." Yes, I'm thankful, because God has blessed us abundantly.

"Hello" season

This week we continued our three-year-old tradition of welcoming at least one new staff-family to the CAJ area by having them over for a meal and, if they have kids, to a romp in the park.

We had the Erwin family over for dinner on Tuesday night. This is their first time in Japan, though they have lived in Asia before, most of their recent years they've lived in Texas. Their kids are somewhat similar in age to ours, so it was a fairly good mix. Then today, using the train, we took them to a long-term favourite park.

This is the other end of the "goodbyes" that happen in June. Not only do we say "hello" to old friend who return, but we say it to new friends too. It is good for us to see Japan through "newbies" eyes. We get so familiar with things that we forget how difficult it is for newcomers. It is easy for me to beat myself up about how little I know of the language, the culture, etc., but in reality, I know quite a bit (though what I know of this country and language is still a drop in the bucket of what there is to know).

As we straggled out the door this morning, though, I wondered if we were making a mistake. The temperature was already above 30 (actually it barely dips below that overnight in July and August) and the humidity was high. I felt like I was swimming through the air, and it was only 9.45. Thankfully, though, God sent us some rain that cooled the atmosphere just a bit and made it much more bearable.



Going back to an old favourite destination like this is also fun, it helps me to feel a part of this strange land of Japan, just a bit more. After all we have quite a history here now. Most of our marriage and child raising years have been spent here. We have so many memories buried all over the place.

But here's a question for you. If I say, "Erwin" with an Australian accent, Americans think I've said, "Owen".  Should I "put on" an American accent to say their name? I've had to change the way I say "Isaiah" and "Megan" for Americans with those names, so that they match the pronunciation they know, but "Erwin" requires an American "r" and I don't know if I'm comfortable with that . . .

A time to say hello, a time to say goodbye

It is that season again. In our lives around the middle of every year we say goodbyes and hellos. A few of the goodbyes are usually "we don't know if we'll see you this side of heaven" type goodbyes. Even if we ourselves aren't going anywhere, there are always others who are, in this international community. I wrote a bit about it here last year. 


A friend who is relatively new to this type of international living said to me the other day, "You'll surely miss K...!" (A missionary going on home assignment for 12 months.) I think I surprised her by not producing the appropriate emotion. 


I've not grown cold to my friends who say goodbye for a time, but I do put those friendships aside for a while. Or as one person observed about the CAJ student body, we keep a special place for that person, ready for them if or when they return. 


Not holding onto my friendships too tightly allows me to make it through these goodbyes without being too emotionally traumatised each time, but it also leaves room for new friendships. For there will always be new people who come along needing a friend. The new friends don't replace the old, but rather each friendship weaves their own special pattern into my life's story. My life would be poorer without them. 


And yes, I know that the time will come to say goodbye to these new friends too, but I'd become a very lonely person if I let that stop me making new friends. It probably makes me (and many others who live a similar lifestyle) more intense and intentional in our friendships. I know that I can't waste much time. Waiting around with months of shallow conversation won't do the trick (I wrote a bit about this back here).


So back to today. 


At church this morning we sat behind a young friend from India who we've only known since late last year. We've had, as she puts it, "random conversations after church," including, of course, cricket! She told me today two specific things that meeting us has meant to her: that there ARE Australian missionaries (not just sports fans in Australia, as is the image in India) and that as she sat behind us on many Sundays she saw "a beautiful aspect of Christian life — the love of a family." Who could have thought that such things would be an encouragement?


Also at church this morning is a family I said goodbye to 12 months ago. The mum (who has three boys) is particularly dear to me as we studied the Bible together in a small group for several months over the months surrounding the tsunami disaster last year. So good to see them back in Japan after their home assignment in Canada. A spot has been reserved in my heart and my story for her.