Hidden reasons

The older I get, the more I realise how much what you see is different to what is really going on. And I'm quite convicted, because so often I judge others by what I see, without knowing the bigger story.

This is tricky to write about because I have a big elephant in the room that I want to write about as an example of this, but I really shouldn't write about it because it will invade that person's privacy. So let's go with some common fictional situations:

• a toddler who loses it in the grocery store
• a young adult who is sullen and rude
• a friend who can't seem to meet the goals she's set herself
• the quiet man in the corner of the room
• the colleague whose capacity to get stuff done is way less than yours
• the lady who appears antisocial

Oh, myriad examples. You know what I'm talking about. Behaviour that seems odd, or even unreasonable, that you don't understand and that is easy to judge.

What I sometimes (often?) forget is to stop and think is:

What's going on behind the scenes that I can't see?

There are many legitimate reasons for the above behaviours. From tiredness, poor organisation skills, or personal preferences; to the much more serious: mental health problems, traumatic life experiences, or serious physical illness.

The kicker is that most of the time we don't know why. Unless we know their backstory we don't know why that person is behaving like they are.

I've been on the receiving end of overt judgement from others, especially in relation to my children and our parenting decisions. That's hard. It's actually harsh. Sometimes it's possible to explain why such and such a thing is happening, but even then, it is usually very difficult for someone else to imagine walking in my shoes.

And I really shouldn't judge others for their poor judgement of me. I might not be guilty of saying my judgement out loud, but to my shame much judgement goes on in my head.

So back to my elephant. There are things about the way our family operates that I can't share with many people, and even the people I do share some things with have trouble fully understanding. You can speculate if you wish, or you can just accept that we are very deliberate about what we do. We make choices looking at the full hand of cards that only we can see. And sometimes those choices seem odd.

People look at missionaries and (sometimes) think "aren't they brave?" But they don't see the non-public times. The sheer exhaustion after an international move, or even the daily fatigue from operating in another language and culture. The self-doubt as we question our decisions. The fear as we wonder what the future holds.

Parenting as a cross-cultural worker is very challenging. We have no extended family to help us—though I know that many in our home countries are in that situation also. We're negotiating our way through situations that our parents never had to (and I'm not talking about screen-time here). We're trying to guess what the best decision is, when even small changes can impact our work, or even our ability to remain in the country we serve in. And we have few peers who are like us. 

It's a vulnerable situation, parenting in this way. Lots more people are watching us, more than would be if we'd never left the place we grew up in.

Please don't think that I'm in a bad way right now. I'm writing from a fairly strong position at present (though there are people I do avoid because of their capacity for quick judgment and slow listening). I'm writing from the experience that comes of having lived cross-culturally for over 19 years now. But don't fall into the trap of thinking that all is hunky-dory because I share photos of my family's public successes. And I'll try not to assume the same of you.

I am a Triangle

People who live cross-culturally for any significant length of time end up living in "in-between" land. Here's a metaphorical story that helps explain: http://thriveconnection.com/2014/03/18/triangle/.

I've had some "triangle" experiences just in the last two days. 

On the outside we look Australian
(or Western at least), but on the inside
it is a different story. Sometimes I
wonder if it wouldn't be more helpful
to have a sign, or costume...

Yesterday dashed to the shops before I picked up our soon-to-be 10 y.o. from school. I forgot my glasses. So I ended up walking around indoors in my sunglasses and felt odd. Japanese people don't wear sunglasses very much. I've been given two explanations for that: their eyes are stronger (dark brown eyes vs my hazel/green eyes) or sunglasses have been associated with shady characters in the past. It doesn't stop me wearing them when I need to, but indoors feels very odd. 

Today on the train my phone rang. I hesitated to answer it because in Japan it is very rude to talk on the phone in a train. I don't know what is acceptable here, but I feel uncomfortable when people talk loudly around me on their phones, be it on the train or bus, or just in the shopping centre. I feel like I'm eavesdropping on their conversation.

I also ate on a bus. I don't know if that is acceptable here either. I rarely take buses in Japan, but I know that it is frowned upon on a train. In fact it can be hard to find somewhere to eat take-away food in Japan, because you aren't supposed to walk and eat either!

So you can see that I'm not 100% Australian anymore. Neither am I Japanese. For some things I don't instinctively know how to do the acceptable thing in either culture.

There are three layers of culture that help explain what it's like to be an insider:

• Formal policies, systems, and practices (artifacts; the highly visual stuff that is obvious to both insiders and outsiders; the official “talk” that may or may not match the “walk”)
• Informal practices and symbolic actions – “the way we do things around here” (the norms that insiders intuitively follow and outsiders only discover when they accidentally break them; the “walk”/actions that symbolize what is really valued – may differ wildly from the official “talk”)
• Beliefs, values, and attitudes – deep-seated understandings and assumptions shared by insiders that are buried well below consciousness.                                                      (From http://genuineevaluation.com/culture-insiders-and-outsiders-insights-and-genuine-evaluation/)

When you are a "cultural insider", you instinctively know how to act. "Cultural outsiders" are often guessing from what they can observe. In our cases in Australia, we are a mixed bag. We grew up here, so some things are instinctive, or at least we try to behave in a way that we remember being appropriate in Australia. This is tempered by what we see around us as well as informed by our experiences in Japan. It can be difficult, especially when we encounter a situation that we've faced more often in Japan than in Australia over the last 14 years or if it is something that's changed radically over the last 14 years (because culture does change). You can see how it can be difficult, even after 10 months of being back here.

The other day I sat on a picnic rug with friends. I instinctively kept my shoe-clad feet clear of the rug, just as we do in Japan. Then after a while I noticed that no one else was. I sneaked my feet onto the mat, but felt mixed about that. Relief that it was okay and I didn't have to take them off, but uncomfortable as well. Because I come from an "in-between land" now.

I am thankful to be able to have this triangulation to my character now. It means that we can relate to more people. It means that we don't stick out so much in Japan. It means that we better understand the perspective of others who are outsiders (even if they aren't from Japan).

If you've seen us, have we appeared totally Australian, or have there been oddities that you've wondered about?

Back down to earth (maybe)

Warming up on the practise mat. Wrestler being flattened
by his coach :D

So we've come back down to earthly levels again. Alarm went off at 6 and we dragged some sleepy boys out of bed an hour later. No matter if you're a National Champion or brother of one, you've still got to get to school. 

I'm actually happy about the timing. Though they'll all be tired, at least it was a great way to distract us from the reality of school starting and the negative thoughts/behaviour we saw associated with that last term.

The two younger boys are tired because we didn't get the travellers home until after 9 and then there was a lot to catch up on, as well as two videos of wresting bouts to watch. It took a while for everyone to calm down enough to sleep.

According to my husband, the Queensland team looked
the smartest of all the teams, with their maroon and
grey uniforms. My son was heard to mutter this morning
as I drove him to school (with his "winter term" tie on)
that he wished school uniforms could be as comfortable
as these were.

I've mentioned before how I think wrestling is an honourable sport. Listening to the video, you would have thought we were at a music performance or a tennis match. Not really the polite applause, but it certainly was orderly and quiet.

Here is the Code of Conduct we/they had to agree to to enter this competition:

Code of Conduct • I/my child shall behave in a dignified manner at all times and shall not do anything that may bring Wrestling Australia Inc., wrestling or myself into disrepute.
• I/my child shall respect the spirit of fair play and non-violence towards all other competitors, officials and spectators.
• I/my child shall abide by any lawful direction and respect the authority of any official who has authority to conduct any element of the competition.
• I/my child shall be accountable and accept responsibility for my/their actions.  

Examples of Unacceptable Behaviour are:
• Sledging other athletes, officials or event organisers. Sledging is defined as a statement that is deemed to denigrate and/or intimidate another person.
• Publicly dissenting the decision of the referees or other officials.
• Creating a public disturbance, or acting in a way that becomes a public nuisance.
• Causing damage to another person’s property.
• The use or encouragement of drugs and banned substances to enhance or inhibit performance.
• Engaging in any harassment, sexual or otherwise.
This list is not exhaustive, but is intended to provide a guideline to what is considered unacceptable behaviour. 

David said there was one incident where a coach was having trouble controlling himself, but the situation eventually calmed down without any drastic action (like the coach being removed from the building). 

I've seen (in Japan at an international schools competition) a wrestler who was so upset that he had to be practically wrestled away from the mat by his coach into a dressing room. That is unusual. Generally the conduct is much more controlled. The coaches at CAJ are very strict on this.


But I wander. There probably aren't many of you who really care about this . . . 

Back to the "earthly levels" that I began with. The boys have just arrived home, that's my call back to ordinary life.

Clash of parenting expectations

Something's gotten under my skin and I'm having trouble letting it go, so I'm going to write about it.

Our boys have met a lot of people over the
year. They've done really well.

Last week we had a picnic lunch with a missionary family. They're home, doing the same thing as us, but over a shorter period. They are also doing their first home assignment with a child. They admitted it was different. It affected how crowded they allowed their schedule to get and they've made sure they factored in family down-time. That was all new for them.

We've never done any deputation without a child (oh, a couple of low-key months before our eldest was born, before we left for Japan the first time). So we're quite aware of how to  do this type of work with children in tow. OUR children in tow. We know our boys well and make judgment calls all the time as to how much we expect of them. It is a fine balancing act, keeping our expectations within the limits of what we can all cope with as a family.

I've written a couple of times previously about the challenges of parenting during this year (for example in Perth). It's not easy.

Our family is largely made up of introverts. As a family we get overwhelmed by a lot of social time. 
Our family has active boys. As a family we struggle if they are required to sit quietly and converse or listen to conversation for long periods of time.
Our family has three intelligent boys. As a family we struggle if they find themselves bored. Polite conversation is not sufficient to engage them for long periods.

In general people have been wonderful about accommodating us. We've had someone hold an event at a venue with a pool so the boys could swim while we talked. We even had one family plan a "private movie party" for our boys while we talked with the family for a few hours, astutely discerning that our boys needed some time-out from people at that particular time.

I am frustrated when people place expectations on us that we judge to be too big or unrealistic for our family to cope with. Especially when it is implied that our kids are not "up to the standard" that people expect of their own kids. Perhaps I'm being too sensitive.

What people who have unrealistic expectations of us (and there actually haven't been too many) generally don't get is the bigger picture. We spend a lot of time socialising during this year. Yes, we speak at meetings and at churches, but the majority of our time is talking informally to people, primarily answering questions. Mostly answering the same questions.

Our weekends can be full of doing stuff that is stressful (given the above dynamics of our family). The boys have spent the year meeting people they can't remember ever meeting before. Putting up with us having myriad conversations that they aren't interested in, because they've heard most of it before. Few people try to engage our boys, they get stuck on the fringes waiting for us time and time again.

So no, I won't apologise for looking after my family's wellbeing. For having lower expectations of them in a particular situation than others might deem prudent. They've done a magnificent job coping with many different churches, lots of travel, and meeting many new people. Not to mention a move to a country they don't know a lot about, leaving behind friends and familiar places, and a change of schools and churches.

I feel like I've been bad

One thing I hate about parenting is how little control you end up having. My main gripe at present is regards to school. 

When I was at school I could control (for the most part) if I got in trouble, whether or not I got sent to the principal. And as a conscientious student, I rarely pushed things so far that I was the attention of the principal (not that I was a perfect student by any means, but I had this fear of crossing authority figures that helped a lot). 

As a parent I have little control over whether I get called into meeting with the classroom teacher or principal. It doesn't matter if I've been "good" or not. Although my tendency is to feel that when I am called in, that my parenting skills are being called into question and that I have indeed been a "bad" parent. That is my visceral reaction when I get one of "those" emails or phone calls. Grrr. Why can't my kids just toe the line?

Feeling as I am, I'm not looking forward to the meeting we have later this week. I'm scared that I'm going to embarrass myself by bursting into tears or running out of the room. It doesn't help that the teachers involved are also our friends. Thankfully my teacher-husband will be by my side. 

I just need to keep reminding myself that I am not a bad parent, over and over again.

Unplugged parenting

Today I realised again how anti-screen our parenting style is. We actively discourage our boys from spending much time watching TV, or on computers. We don't only have strict guidelines on how much time they can spend on these things every day, we have actively encouraged them over the years to develop interests that don't need to be plugged-in. And we've never bought them toys that are screen-based.

This began quite young, when we restricted TV to only one hour at a time, and only at certain times of day. That's faded out as they've become busy at school. These days they don't usually watch TV during the week and only occasionally on the weekend. As the years have gone on, internet usage has been given rules too.

But I realised today that having more than one child is definitely an advantage in this regard. When a Japanese mum of a young teenager and only child asked (in regards to the upcoming coming three weeks break from school), "What will they do, if they can't be on the internet?" I had lots of answers, but some didn't apply to her.

Our boys will be out getting exercise, playing board games with each other, and playing with their Lego, NInjago, action figures etc. They'll also be reading and perhaps doing crafty things. I'll be asking them to help me cook meals too.

Our teenager has developed a number of non-plugged in hobbies/interests including: Rubics cube, collecting dice and manipulation puzzles, learning various knots, working out (for wrestling), logic puzzles, and he is a voracious reader. He's also recently been creating an Australian version of Risk in his spare time. This boy, of his own volition, has spurned Facebook, which, I believe, is where a lot of his friends (at least the girls) are spending their time.

One of the reasons we steer the boys away from the internet and from TV is that it cripples their creativity. It also produces behaviour that isn't very helpful. A few weeks back they developed an obsession with a internet based game. Their behaviour was disrespectful and they couldn't think about anything else except getting to play that game. I banned it for a week and things improved significantly around here. That obsession has faded, thankfully.

Our guys live life at a pretty high intensity, we don't need anything that will add to that intensity. I guess every parent has to figure out what works best in their family. We've found a pretty good balance for us. We'll see how that progresses as our boys get older.

Hyperactive, me?

Meredith wrote this great post over here. She's called it "Getting Kids to Multitask". I think of it more as using little physical (but rather mindless tasks) to help them to focus their minds on what was being said.

I've mentioned before, I think, that I'm a rather hyperactive person. When I say that to people who know me a bit, but not very well, they are surprised. I don't jump around, I don't appear to have trouble concentrating. But the truth is, that I do jump around a lot, especially in my head. I flit from one thing to another. It is a pest when I'm doing computer work because I'm easily distracted from what I'm doing by a whole variety of things (while I've typed this post, I've printed out a couple of different documents, read an email, and opened another tag on my internet browser).

And I'm also quite a fast thinker and I get bored easily, that means that I finish people's sentences for them (in my head, if not aloud), that I often grasp the meaning of things pretty quickly and jump ahead too fast in a conversation.I think that this either impressed or drove my Sunday School teachers mad. It can be a big advantage, but it also can be a drag when I'm supposed to be quietly listening to someone. "Be still and know that I am God" is a real challenge for me.

My husband will tell you that when we got
married, I "ran circles" around him. I had a
lot of energy. Kids have slowed me down
a lot, though recently he's wondering if I'm
starting to return to my pre-kids level of
energy. I don't think so yet, they still
drain me lot!

I also have trouble sitting still. It isn't so noticeable anymore, because I've grown up. But if you watched me carefully, I change position quite frequently. Especially if I'm in a less-than-comfortable chair. I used to get in trouble for this in church. Mum hated it. In fact she's told me that if ADD was "invented" when I was a kid, I may have gotten that diagnosis. Probably incorrectly, because, although I have those tendencies, I'm able to manage successfully to overcome them. I had a look here at a webpage on adult ADD/ADHD and it doesn't actually describe me very well. I have tendencies in these directions, yet manage to be fairly organised and self-controlled.

However, back to what Meredith wrote. She talked about giving kids something small to do while they listened to a Bible message or some other lengthy verbal address (like in a classroom). It is a strategy that I've employed for myself quite a lot, and I also apply it to my kids, especially my squirmy, intelligent eldest.

As a teenager I used to colour in the church bulletin to help with sitting through a long sermon. As an adult I take cross-stitch to long meetings. It both helps me to sit still and to keep my mouth shut until an appropriate moment comes for me to speak (yes, that is a problem for me). And I'm not the only one who does this. A leader in our mission knits during long meetings, according to his wife he doesn't knit anything particularly, but just knits for the therapeutic value.

While I'm reading at night time after dinner, if our book happens to be a little bit slow, it can get rowdy and I refuse to read over noise. So often I encourage the boys to do origami while I read. Or some other quiet thing to fiddle with while I read. It keeps them quiet, and yet busy in a non-disruptive (or destructive) way. I really don't like other people reading at that time, I have trouble myself listening to the story without rushing off to do something, so I really do understand how my son feels.

How about you? Do you find you need to do something with your hands to keep your body still and mind focused at times like these? What strategies have you found works for you, or for your kids?

Day One back in Japan

Yesterday we were up early - again. It is summer, the sun is up early and so are the boys. We ate breakfast earlier than we usually do on school days!

Then, as I wrote yesterday, we hung around waiting for shops to open. Once we got going we really got going. We headed off to find a fridge and washing machine. If we were in the district we'd lived in the last four years, we'd have known where to go, but it was a little more tricky this time. Given some vague directions, we hopped on a train, went one station and then walked half-way to another. Eventually around lunch-time we found a large shopping centre and collapsed in the food court. One quite unlike we've seen for 12 months in Australia. No McDonalds, no KFC, no carvery or Subway. Only Japanese food. It was terrific. Our 5 y.o. and I chose noodles (udon), our 7 y.o. and David chose Japanese curry rice and our 11 y.o. chose rice and something like a rissole (hamburg - it looked like a steak, though). Once again the food was inhaled and during prayer time last night our 7 y.o. said a special thank you for a Japanese lunch!

Refreshed and refuelled, we set out for the electrical store nearby. To our joy, the fridges we'd looked at and tentatively selected on the internet were there and at a good price. To our surprise they were also in stock and able to be delivered the next day! A washing machine was no problem either (and much cheaper).

Crazy boys running and getting lost in the shop was a much bigger concern. They refused to listen and suffered the consequences - the loss of a trip to Mister Donuts (a much anticipated treat for our first day back). Ohhhh did our 7 y.o. moan. I just hope he'll do better next time.

By this time I had blisters forming on the balls of my feet. Too much walking in nearly new sandals. We still had to walk to the station and then walk back to our lodging. I made it without the blisters busting, thankfully.

In all of this we still felt no surprise or shock at being in Japan. It was like getting back on the bike after a bit of a break. It still seems amazing that a place so foreign to most Australians has become so familiar to us. We even had little trouble with our Japanese.

Besides being footsore, my head was starting to ache and spin, so I lay down for a good portion of the afternoon. David, however, geared himself up for a call to the telephone/internet company and managed to organise for it to be connected next Wednesday. That is faster than we managed in Australia, but there still will be a gap, although the school where David works is just down the road, so I'll probably be able to go down there and connect up occasionally.

One of the other things which stood out about the day was that because we had internet access yesterday, we were able to communicate our arrival to a lot of people quickly. We had many Facebook "Glad you made it"s from various people. But most encouraging were the "Welcome back"s from the community of friends and colleagues we already have in Tokyo. Leaving Australia is never easy, even though we feel strongly that we are doing what God wants us to do. The actual leaving bit is not fun. However moving to a place where you already have a lot of people who care about you takes the sting out of the tail. We've already got networks here that usually take months or years to establish when you move into a new place. We already have a babysitter for Friday when we have to take care of some official business at the city hall. Amazing!

Our 5 y.o. is delighted with his haul from yesterday too. He scored a new umbrella (essential for Tokyo living) and replacement scissors (which are even cuter than the ones Brisbane airport claimed).

Today David is on the other side of Tokyo supervising the moving of our stuff. The stuff we pack up and stored June last year. He'll also bring back a van we're borrowing for a month and tomorrow morning we'll drive back and take possession of the house ourselves. Can't wait! But in the meantime, I have to help the boys wait...one...more...day.

Forgotten password

Yes, I'm an expert blogger already. One day in and I've already had to reset my password because I forgot it! At least I remembered my url :-) All that aside, I wanted to write about last Saturday. I wasn't looking forward to it. Usually we have quiet Saturdays as a family, as quiet as a day with three boys under 10 can be. Anyhow, my husband had to work, so it was me on my own with the mob. Having had an extremely busy Saturday the previous week, we weren't having much luck in the restful-weekend stakes. We prayed that God would give me strength and the boys sense, and then got on with it. I couldn't have anticipated how God would answer that prayer. Our eldest son is clever, active, impulsive and usually very self centred. I'd earlier planted the idea that he could help me prepare food for the guests we'd invited to dinner that evening. I didn't dream that he'd end up cooking a dessert, main meal (minus the salad) and mashed potatoes too. He even washed up the breakfast dishes. I think the biggest shock was not just that he did all that work, but it was his attitude. He was so happy to help out. He said "I'm in happiness heaven." At the end of the day he prayed along the lines of "Thank you Lord for helping me see that it is even better to help other people, that it makes you even more happy." For months his mantra has been "If it is not fun, I don't want to do it" to excuse his bad attitude to everything, including Sunday School, so this truly was a change in attitude. Ever since then he has been more open to communication and more positive in submitting to authority. Not perfect, but better. I can't help but think we may have turned a corner.