A coffee date?

Today, by some miracle or other, I had nothing on my calendar and the jobs I had on my to-do list were not sufficient to take up the whole day. I say it is a miracle because recently this end of the month has been crazily busy, plus, we're in the middle of the wrestling season . . . !

Recently I've found myself longing for time with people, then, in various ways, being disappointed. Last night, when pondering today's schedule-hole, I hankered after a good friend to have coffee with but realised that probably I needed time out alone rather than with friends, given that this day is surrounded by a lot of busyness and people. 

It's back to that old longing for people to meet my needs and "raging" when they don't, or when they're taken away from me, or not available to me when I think I need them.

I've also been reading a book that we received at Christmas: Awe: Why it matters for everything we thing, say, and do by Paul Tripp. The author is telling me things I already know, and have known for a long time, but saying them in a way that makes them fresh and opens my eyes to what's truly going on. 

Our problem is not that the 'good life' has passed us by, that people have failed us, or that life has been hard. All these things have happened to us because we live in a broken world. And if our contentment rests on life being easy, comfortable, and pleasurable, we'll have no contentment this side of eternity. p105

I realised that, though I longed for friends to spend time with and have deep conversations with, what I really needed to do today was spend time with God.

Phew. Not just our usual Bible reading and prayer time before breakfast, or my reading-through-the-Bible time after breakfast. But something more like a coffee-date with Jesus. Now that sounds kind of cute and cliche-like to me, but I'm serious. I decided to get out of the house and spend some time at a coffee shop "with Jesus". Now it is weird because he is always with me and I don't need to go anywhere to meet him, but the same is with a marriage. Sometimes you need to get away from your daily routine to spend time together at a special place.

I guess another name for it would be the currently popular "spiritual retreat". I've shied away from such a concept, not sure why. Maybe it is the extroverted part of me that wonders what I'd do with a lengthy period of time of "nothing". Maybe it is the non-conformist part of me that says I don't want to do something because it's popular.

Now what I actually did, didn't look at all freaky. I took this as an opportunity for a longer ride, found a coffee shop using Google about 6km away, and took my book and my Bible. I read a chapter or so of my book, slowly. It sprang me into some spontaneous Bible study (word studies, actually, looking up various phrases related to God's love and faithfulness). I prayed a little, journaled a little, wrote out some relevant Bible verses. I drank coffee, water (always lots of water), and at lunch-time moved across the road to a cheaper place to have a bite for lunch, where I continued to search God's word for his promises to me.

I've come away with a plan for next time I'm moving into the realm of feeling angry about being lonely or people letting me down. It might mean another coffee date or mini-retreat, it might just mean going back for a moment and remembering all those promises God's given about his love being sufficient for me at all times.

Recognising that the feelings that are happening at times like this aren't because of people, or lack of people, they are because I live in an damaged world and my soul is thirsting for God (Ps. 143:6) but I'm not going to the right place to get that thirst satisfied.

Mixing it up

I tend to spend a lot of time during the school day working on my own (when I'm not grocery shopping, at the gym or at a school meeting). I really enjoy working independently, as long as it is balanced out with people time. 

This year I've dropped one commitment and made a point of initiating more coffee times with friends. It's been a great strategy that I've enjoyed very much. I've been encouraged and spurred on in life and I hope my friends have felt the same way. 

One of those spontaneous coffee times was yesterday afternoon. A friend came several hours by car to CAJ for some academic testing for her daughter. I found out via Facebook and asked if she'd like to have coffee. Then only a few minutes before I was to meet her I discovered another friend 'in town' for the same reason. She's come from the other side of Tokyo via train. So I spontaneously invited her to join us. Though neither of my friends had previously met, we had a wonderful two hours chatting over coffee while they waited for their children to complete the testing.

Then today, my birthday, I went into the city to the office to help pack the latest issue of the magazine. It was a lovely way to spend my birthday, with colleagues: chatting while we did a fairly mundane task. A nice break from most of my work with the magazine which is usually is a pretty intense detail focus on words and ideas. 

So, it's been a good couple of days. Now tomorrow I'll have to knuckle down and get some more work done at home alone on the computer!

Extroverts, introverts, and ambiverts

Our youngest was sad on the first day of school last week. It was a half-day. CAJ always starts with a half-day (8.30-12) and it just wasn't enough social interaction for him after 11 long weeks away from his friends. He is a classic extrovert. When he came home he stuck to me like glue, hoping I'd give him the happiness he wanted.

Our strongly introverted son working quietly on his own.

He is such a contrast to our middle son who is quite the introvert. Thankfully he's beginning to understand that instead of taking it out on us when he returns home, he can retreat to his room for some time to recharge.

I've been thinking more about extroversion and introversion recently and I've discovered a term that suits me far better than these extremes: ambivert.

ambivert: a person who has a balance of extrovert and introvert features in their personality (Origin: 1920s) From here.

 This blog post describes my dilemma very well. The comments after the post are from people like me, who have been confused by the strong dichotomous descriptors of extrovert vs introvert.

Here's another article that talks about the complexities of personality and how we're all on a continuum. I love this quote from the webpage:

The notion of Ambiversion changed my life. Previously, when filling in a personality type questionnaire, I”d hesitate when answering questions like: “would you prefer to go to a party or read a book?”  My first thought was “Depends on the party or book and also how tired I am from the previous night.” But that contextual option wasn’t available. Now I realize what a gift it is to be sensible, reasonable and well balanced enough to have the freedom of choice.

And this one:

I’m an Ambivert with 70 shades of Introvert and 30 shades of Extrovert! What are you? 

The Myer-Briggs calls me an Extrovert with a strong Introvert shadow, but I think an Ambivert is a more helpful descriptor. I couldn't understand, for example, why I could be so excited about having visitors to stay, and yet after a day or so, find myself seeking out privacy in my bedroom (something I rarely do when it is just the five of us here). It seemed weird, but now I understand. Sometimes my extrovert side is stronger, other times my introvert side. And I need to work at getting a balance because if I get too much solitude or too much social interaction I get worn out and grumpy.

Try this simple questionnaire, if you're thinking you might be in the ambivert range.