Looking ahead to 2020

It's been very laid back here over the last three weeks. Something I'm very thankful for. However the rubber hits the road on Monday morning when everyone is back at school and I head over to the other side of Tokyo for the first monthly prayer and fellowship meeting for our mission this year, and then I've got tonnes of deadlines facing up to me when I get back behind my desk on Tuesday. So, before all that hits, I want to take a few moments to look forward to 2020.

I did a little bit of this while texting with a couple of friends a few days ago. Truth be told, missionaries often measure their lives by large chunks that consist of overseas flights and periods of time sometimes called "home assignment" that mean catching up with a lot of people who support us. But I've found that whenever I mention the sorts of distant dates that such measuring entails, it usually shocks people. So hold your breath and take a quick sweep of what we can foresee of our next few years:

2020 No trips to Australia. Possibly no call to travel through an international airport at all! 

2021 Our middle son graduates from high school in June and we take a few weeks during our summer to visit Australia.  

2022 Possibly I'll take a trip to Queensland to settle our middle son into university in February.  

2023 Our youngest son graduates from high school in June and we pack up here and move to Australia for 12 months of home assignment.  

2024 Returning as a couple to Japan to continue serving here.

Okay, now you can breath again!

It is in the face of that that I suggest that 2020 might be a quiet year! Of course we don't know what unexpected events the year might hold, but what I've listed above are reasonable expectations for the future, barring factors we don't know about like illness.

So, back to 2020 and what I'm thinking about that. I like to have events to look forward to, it helps with the everyday grind to have bigger things to look forward to (and little ones too, like a good book to read at night). This is what I'm looking forward to this year:

• My usual Women's retreat in early March (maybe with a writer's retreat as well...something I need to get onto next week)
• Camping in the last week of March
• National OMF conference for a week in Hokkaido, ending on my birthday (3 April)
• our eldest son visiting mid-year?
• family holidays in July?
• Olympics in July-September (we've got tickets in the resident's lottery to see the hockey...going to have to learn a bit about that sport before then)

Not too crazy, compared to other years we've got coming up (a trip to Australia is always a big deal, it's not just two days of travelling, it means a big climate change, it means catching up with many people, and numerous unexpected cultural adjustments. In one word—exhausting.)

So I'm putting four questions to myself about the coming year to force some reflection:

1. What's something I'd like to see change about myself this year?

• I'd like to be able to look back at my year and have no regrets as to how I've conducted myself, or the words I've used. That's an unrealistic goal, I know. However I think I can strive towards that. To be especially mindful about my words when I feel the adrenaline rushing and my stomach churning. To be slower to speak/type an answer. And of course daily looking to God for help!

2. Is there an intentional change that I'd like to make this year?

• This borders on making new years resolutions, but I don't make them (See my post four years ago about this: New Year's Day is just another day). In some ways mid-year was "new year" for us and I made some decisions then for changes that I've mostly stuck to (including writing here once a week). 
• I'd like to read more, and have already started doing that with my new Kindle Fire. I'm having a great time with it!
• I can't think of any great changes I want to make at this point, especially as my roles haven't changed a lot and don't leave too much room for anything extra. Although I'm aware of the editing course I started with udemy.com a couple of years back that I'd like to continue (it has no deadlines, which is good...and bad!).
• It would be good to do more writing for other publications (this year I've mostly written only for Japan Harvest magazine, this blog, and OMF Japan's blog), but I'm not sure what or where. So it's not a very measurable goal!
• It would be good to take more time for dates with David. Often we're so tired by Friday night (or are facing an early start on Saturday), that it's much easier to stay home.

3. Is there something that you are currently doing that you want to persevere with?

• Yep, that would be my Japanese study. I've been using wanikani.com for a couple of years now, trying to improve my reading and vocabulary. It's working, but it is a slow, agonising journey. I'll never be fluent in this language, but if I can make improvements and keep my head in the game (even as I head ever closer to 50), then it's good.
• Reading my Bible. A year ago I embarked on a two-year reading plan from theGospelCoalition.org (which takes you through the whole Bible and the Psalms and Proverbs four times). I've made it through a quarter of that in one year. Hmmm, maybe I could pick up that pace.
• I've been listening to one or two sermons a week from Australian churches during my lunch times, depending on how busy my weeks have been, that's something I'd like to continue.

4. Are there people you want to connect with more (or less) this year?

• Yep to both, but no names I'm willing to put here. 
• My "four friends" are definitely on my radar as an ongoing effort to maintain a stable base for whatever griefs the year holds. But also to be there for them as they deal with pain (and joy) in their lives.

Hmmm, and I didn't think I had much to write. But I will stop here. 

Have you had time to write down any thoughts about 2019? Or think about what you'd like to change for the coming year?

Who is Japanese?

Just 1.5% of those living in Japan are foreigners. Japan is a monocultural country. It is something they pride themselves on and something that's being increasingly challenged. Not so much by immigrants, but by Japanese people marrying non-japanese people and having babies. 

When you have the image that a citizen equals someone who has 100% of their genes from one race, to have people who consider themselves Japanese but who don't have 100% of their ancestors as 100% Japanese, that's challenging. The other day some Japanese friends said to me that they think Japan is unique in this day and age in this regard. I beg to differ, but I can't think of an example off hand, perhaps you can?

A former OMF colleague from Canada has recently become a naturalised Japanese citizen and through him I discovered a fascinating English blog about the topic of naturalisation in Japan. Notably it says:

If it comes up, I never say I'm just "Japanese" (日本人Nihon-jin) because the word is overloaded with multiple meanings in both the English language and the Japanese language. It can mean the following things with respect to people, in order of assumption:

1. Japanese race
2. Japanese ethnicity
3. Japanese nationality

Predictably there is discrimination in a society like this. But I was particularly encouraged by this blog post about the positive personal experience of the writer (a naturalised Japanese) of ethnically Japanese people's responses to finding out his citizenship was Japanese.

Multicultural JapaneseMulticultural Japanese are making an impact in this country, even if small. There have been several multicultural Japanese people in the news recently.

Several of the multicultural Japanese represented Japan at the recent Olympics, for example Aska Cambridge, who was part of the 4 x 100m Japanese relay team who won a silver medal. This article in the Japan Times explains the issues surrounding this topic very well.

For the second year running Miss Japan is not 100% ethnically Japanese. See an article about it here. That has ruffled some feathers, challenging the nation's concept of who is 
Japanese.

And a politician was vying for the top spot in a party leadership election has a Taiwanese father and Japanese mother, provoking discussion about the dual citizenship laws in Japan. As far as I understand it from this article, dual citizenship is not allowed in Japan, however no one has lost their citizenship since this law came into place in 1985.

Immigration
Immigration is low compared to where I come from. Only half a million people since record taking began in the 1800s. However that is a tough comparison. Over 25% of Australia's population are immigrants, one of the highest rates in the world, higher than the UK or USA, Canada, or New Zealand.

Interestingly, many people think that becoming a Japanese citizenship is hard. But  I've discovered that according to statistics only a couple of hundred are denied every year, and over 98/99% are approved. There are rumours that people are discouraged from being citizens. Indeed apparently many people do pull out some time during the course of their application, but the reasons listed in this article don't include intimidation by authorities, though that doesn't preclude that possibility. I've also heard that spouses of Japanese citizens aren't allowed to become citizens, but this article is written by someone married to a Japanese citizen who became a citizen.

The rate of naturalisation is about 15,000 per year. In fact the rate of acceptance in Japan is commensurable with other countries with a similar number of applications. According to this blog post, Japan is in the top 15 countries in the world in terms of countries where people want to become citizens. It turns out there aren't actually that many countries in the world that people want to emigrate too!

I'm not intersted in becoming a Japanese citizen. But I've found it interesting to learn about the issue. I'm wondering how much this land is going to change in the years to come, especially with an increasing rate of multicultural marriage? And will the immigration rate go up? 

Stories of Japanese people meeting Jesus

Here is a six minute video with many Japanese and other Asians telling briefly how they met Jesus (most are between 20 and 30 seconds long).

International school: what is that?

David and I have just been talking about how little Australians seem to know about "international" schools. We're guessing it is because few have had any direct contact with one at all.

I write "international" in inverted commas because that word often means "American-style school in a country that isn't America". Though there are British-style international schools out there also. 

Our boys aren't missing falling over on this playground.
No grass at CAJ (typical in almost all Japanese schools.

Many who've experienced both CAJ (Christian Academy in Japan) and truly American schools will tell you that CAJ isn't truly American. But it is closer to an American school than any other type of school. Certainly, those of us who don't come from that background find there are many culturally-related things to learn, including terminology.

Each international school, like any school, has it's own unique culture. Some of which is usually picked up from the culture in which it is situated. For example, the K-5 students at CAJ have indoor and outdoor shoes. Everyone has shoes they only use in the gym.

Here are some basic facts about CAJ, as an international school.

This was published in last year's school
yearbook.

• It is a K-12 school.
• There is no boarding facility attached to the school.
• Instruction is in English.
• But many of the students receive extra support because they come from non-English speaking families, or have previously attended Japanese-language schools. In the lower primary classes, well over 50% of students fall into this category.
• There are Japanese students at the school. But it really is a mixed student body. In this manner, the school is international:
• 22% of students have both parents Japanese
• 37% of students have dual passports (parents have different passports)
• 15% have both parents with American passports.
• 17% have both parents Korean.
• only 42, out of 450 students last year had both parents from a country other than North America, Japan, or Korea. Our boys are very much in the minority.

• Student Mobility rate: 25% (one quarter of the student body changes every year). Yes, we say lots of hellos and goodbyes.

• All the teachers are Christians and most consider themselves missionaries.
• Many of the teachers are direct hire: they applied directly to CAJ for a job.
• The rest, like us, are seconded from mission agencies.
• Most of the staff are North Americans (66% last year), 22% are Japanese and other nationalities was 12% last year (we're in the minority again).

• The curriculum is mostly American, with modifications.
• The school year begins at the end of August and goes through till early June.
• They don't have regular term breaks, like Australian schools, the only week-or-longer holidays are Christmas-New Year (about 2 1/2 weeks), Spring (end of March for 1 week), and Summer (about 10 weeks).

Want to know more about the Christian Academy in Japan? Here's their website: http://caj.or.jp

What other questions do you have? Ask away!

Photo Answer #45

Here is the photo I gave you a week ago.

Georgia and John guessed this (on Facebook): 

Three Nines = San Kyuu = Thank You. As John said, an expression of gratitude to the patrons.

The answer is below (photo taken of the directory). If you can read it! Third from the top: "Suriinain". Which is indeed "Three nine". 

Three = san in Japanese and Nine = q. Therefore "san q" which is the Japanese accented "Thank you".

I wonder how many Japanese people actually connect the name of the shop to the English "Thank you" though?

Answer to the Mangled English question

Last Thursday I asked you to see if you could decipher some English mangled by the Japanese language.

I was a bit tricky, however. The "key" I gave you wasn't in the order that the characters appeared in the word. The word was:

プラチナ

This is my ordinary member's card.

This reads Purachina.

It means "platinum", a rare and precious metal.

The context was a Curves, where they apparently give you a "Gold Card" if you've been a member for more than three years and a "Platinum Card" if you've been a member for more than five years. In typical Japanese fashion they put the name of everyone who'd achieved these statuses on a poster.

Unfortunately, though I've been a Curves member for over five years, I don't get either card. Because I've changed gyms twice, and both times internationally, I'm still a "less than three year" member of their local gym in their eyes. Oh well, next time I'll make it, though I don't really know what it means to own a "Gold Card", except that they give you some small gift.

How Japanese mangle English

At Curves recently they put up a large light blue poster with lots of membership numbers and corresponding names on it. This word was at the top of the paper:

プラチナ

Key:

チ    = chi

ナ    = na

プ   = pu

ラ　= ra

Can you guess what the word is? 

Hint: it comes from English.

One Mystery in Japanese Fashion

One of my daily challenges is thinking about what I'll post here. Many people might find that strange, but I find it stimulating. It's also a good writing challenge for me. One of the pieces of advice successful writers give is that to grow as a writer, you have to write. So, this blog has the secondary goal of giving me daily incentive to write and improve in my writing.

However, it is a daily "challenge". Some days I've prepared things beforehand, other days the topic lands in my lap part-way through the day. Sometimes times I have to work harder to find something and then on other days like today, I feel like there's nothing to write about, though I have several "half-starters" in my brain.

One of my strategies on these days is to seek inspiration from photos I've taken in the recent past. Today's photo I took some time ago, early in winter.

Artificial fur-trimmed shorts (and handbags,
backpacks etc) seems to be popular too!

We've been bemused for some years that the hem-lengths of women's clothes seems to shorten as the weather gets cooler. It is not uncommon to see young women in shorts (with tights and often long boots) in winter, but in jeans in summer!

From an pragmatic Australian point of view it makes no sense, but that's fashion, as one of my eighth-grader team observed on Thursday!

Another controversial video

Yesterday I posted a somewhat controverisal video about Americans. Today I give you a wider view of the person who made that video.

I'm really flipping the camera back onto Japan and the ignorance* that is here. He is coping a lot of flack (yes, death threats too) for a video he posted about racism in Japan and how little his Japanese high schoolers know about it. Check out the Washington Post article for more details about it.

He says:
 “If I should have anticipated something, I should have anticipated the netouyu,” he told me [the author of the Washington Post article], referring to the informal army of young, hyper-nationalist Japanese Web users who tend to descend on any article — or person — they perceive as critical of Japan.

Here is the controversial video:

* Ignorance noun
the state or fact of being ignorant; lack of knowledge, learning, information, etc.

10. What are the positive and negative aspects of your relationships with national Christians?

The final question in a tough, but interesting series of questions. I realised this morning, in the pre-getting-up haze of Friday morning that I'd promised to finish these before the end of April. So, here I am.


(This is the last in a series of questions I'm answering for a friend's Bible college assignment. You'll find links to the other answers in the series here.)

This is tricky because I haven't spent much of my time with Japanese Christians and there are two reasons for that. Firstly, my husband's work doesn't involve me closely and it is not in a Japanese-run institution (not to say that there aren't quite a lot of Japanese at the school). Secondly, since we finished language school back in 2006, I've mostly been a stay-at-home mum. During our last term I spent more time with Japanese non-Christians as I socialised with friends from my son's kindergarten. However, I'll do the best I can with the question.

Japanese Christians have a tendency to treat missionaries as special. We get often get tagged with the "sensei" or "teacher" suffix. (That is part of the language. Every name gets a suffix. Be it the generic "san" or cutesy "chan" or "kun" reserved for children, younger people, and friends.) This is a hierarchical society that reveres teachers. That is a hard thing to cope with, coming from a much more egalitarian society like Australia where you don't get respect because you have a title, you get it when you earn it (this is even different to America).

Japanese Christians who've been overseas are often very grateful for what they perceive as our sacrifice in coming to Japan.

In general, though, I've struggled to get to know Japanese Christians. This is probably a lot to do with the fact that my Japanese is bad, as well as the fact that we haven't been deeply involved in a church (as in, working within a church as part- or full-time workers). We've found it difficult to get to know people and to really feel a part of a church. So much goes on in the church that we simply don't know about. That is a hard thing to get used to after being deeply involved in any church we were a part of in Australia. Another reason why we've struggled to get to know Japanese Christians, I think, is that in Australia we do that in our homes and in other social events. People don't invite you to their homes here to get to know you. I mentioned that here. And social events haven't always been easy to get to with our three energetic and strong-willed boys.

Then again, those times we've managed to break through those cultural reserves, we've found Japanese Christians to be warm, friendly, and patient. And always helpful.

I think of one friend who helped us last year. We had an urgent medical situation at night on a public holiday. It needed medical attention, but we simply didn't have the medical language to deal with it (it was a pretty unusual problem). I saw my friend was on-line on Facebook and I messaged her, asking for help. She rang around various hospitals looking for one that would help us (they don't really have ERs like we do in the West). Wonderfully helpful and we were so grateful.

________________
This has been an intriguing journey, answering these questions. I've received quite a lot of feedback saying that people have enjoyed hearing my answers. I'm grateful and slightly overwhelmed that people are so interested in my experiences. My challenge to you, is that it pays to ask others hard questions like these, especially people who've lived unusual lives. Finding out how they tick, why they made certain decisions, what struggles they've had. These make interesting and helpful conversations.

A snow day

Frozen snow out the front of our house this
morning. Nice and crackly to walk on, not too
slippery, thankfully.

Last night, after a very grey day, the rain turned to snow. I realised this while I showered in our very cold shower room. The shower room temperature is usually close to the outside temperature, which means well under 10 degrees Celsius. If there is a significant breeze, it usually joins you in there too because the louvres don't fully shut. While I was braving it last night there were some very large things slapping into the opaque glass of the louvres. After I was fully dressed, I looked outside and yes, we had snow coming down.

You can see the snow wasn't very deep. The boys had fun with
frozen puddles, and seeing which ones would hold their weight.

It is funny, though, how previous experience colours your view of the present. My Facebook page is always interesting. I have a large variety of friends from different countries, climates etc. At this time of year I have people "sweating it out in Melbourne" and others "digging their way out" in Sapporo. So it was interesting to watch people's reactions to last night's snow fall. We had the comments, "heavy snow in Tokyo" and "is amused watching the amount of time devoted on the news to snow in Tokyo. One of the reporters at Shinjuku station excitedly reported that white snow was falling outside (camera shot indeed shows a few white flakes falling from the sky). I guess it's all a matter of perspective and what you're used to."


I have to admit, that after living in Sapporo for nearly four years, where every year they get metres of snow over several months, I don't have the awe for the stuff that most Australians do.


Yes, it is pretty and fun to play in. But it is also cold, wet, and dangerous. In large amounts it is labour intensive and very inconvenient. I really do sound like cold, wet blanket, don't I? 

Unfortunately the park near our place is very flat, no sledding
hills at all. The little hill you see in the background leads
straight into a little creek. But snow ball fun worked.

The one thing snow does make me is a bit nostalgic. I love the way it transforms a bleak city landscape into something beautiful. I like the sound it makes as you walk over it. I love how much fun kids can have in it. And although those four winters I spent living in snow-country were not much fun (for more reasons than the snow), somehow I manage to dredge up some nostalgia.

So, if you haven't already guessed, school was cancelled today. But that was only CAJ (and other international schools, I believe). Japanese schools were still in session. While we were at the park we saw mums riding bikes (!!!!) with their kids loaded up. And others walking their little ones along in their kindergarten uniforms—shorts! 

Japan has this concept of "Gaman", which essentially means, "Put up with it and do your best." Or "patience, tolerance, self-control, endurance". It is what they say to the kids who are freezing in their shorts. It was what was said to me when I was being wheeled from the operating theatre after a caesarian to deliver my second son and they broke the news that they hadn't added in any painkillers to my drip. It is what the world saw when disaster struck last year and Japanese were patient and lacking in panic and crime. And it is why schools remain open when adverse weather conditions strike.


It is something that is hard for Westerners to understand. We are more interested in our own comfort, in our own convenience. But it is probably something we could do well to learn about from the Japanese (though I'm not sure about the shorts-in-winter idea).

Some things I learnt from our visitors

When you live closely with other people you learn a lot about yourself and others.

In the last couple of weeks I've learned these things about us. (This is not meant as a criticism of our guests, it is just recognising that we are different to other people. That each family has their own style.)

• We live a pretty frugal life. Frugal in what we spend, eat and even how we spend our time (like watching TV, playing electronic games).
• The frugality extends to how we parent and what we allow our kids to do.
• Because we are frugal with our money we usually say no when a child asks for a treat. And so our children have learned generally not to ask. Only our eldest has an allowance, so we don't have many financial discussions with them. 
• Parenting three boys with an age spread of six years is quite different to parenting a "pigeon pair" separated only by two years.
• Our lives are fairly regulated. This is actually a comment that our visitors made about our family. This is a result of a number of factors: including children who dislike change and prefer routine; parents who are that way inclined to start with; the more children in a family the most potential for chaos reigns; and the next point contributes to this as well.
• We don't tolerate much whinging (whining) or debate. Our parenting isn't very collaborative (with the boys), as in we don't ask the boys opinions and discuss important decisions with them on an equal footing. Our older boys don't cope very well with lots of discussion, so if we are having a discussion we don't present many options and very often just tell them the decision.
• We are pretty strict about eating between meals.
• I'm less of a chatterbox than I was as a child. Is this because I have boys? On one occasion I sat with our visitors' daughter and did a jigsaw while waiting for dinner (someone else was serving it out). She prattled on and on about many things. I was tired and hungry and didn't say anything at all. Eventually she got a little exasperated and said, "Well, what are we going to talk about then?" I had no desire to talk at all...conditioned by living with guys?
• I have less tolerance for shopping than some women. I can shop, but I don't see it as a pastime and soon grow tired of it. 
• We try hard not to act like tourists most of the time. We've been trained to speak Japanese to Japanese. It was strange to see foreigners with little Japanese try to get along.
• Our diet is pretty healthy.
• Whether I believe it or not, I am fairly orderly and a planner.
• We've become more sensitive to others than Australians often are (not to say that our visitors were insensitive, just less aware than we are of what bothers Japanese). That is how Japanese manage in such a squishy society. They are very aware of the people around them and ready to react quickly if their behaviour is infringing on others or offending them.
• We are fairly fit as a family. Japanese life naturally incorporates more exercise: bikes, walking and trains (walking to trains and climbing the stairs in stations) are much more part of life for most Tokyoites than cars are.

Phew, that turned into a large list. There are probably other things too, but I think this is enough for one day. It is easy to see, when you write it down like that, that apart from the fact that we were very busy, blending two families with different styles in itself was exhausting!

Japanese friends

2008: English club learning to make chocolate chip cookies.

In April 2006 when my middle son entered Japanese kindergarten at age 3 1/2 he joined a remarkable class, from my perspective that is. 

His year level was split into four classes. In his class, a group of only about 12-15 kids (my memory is already fading), two of the mothers, spoke some English. Not too long after that the three of us started up a fortnightly English club for mums of kindy kids. A club that we ran for the three years that our children spent at the kindergarten. During those years I usually saw those two ladies twice a day five days a week. It is when you spend time like that with Japanese that you make friends.

In 2007 our English Club did a bilungual puppet play on The Hungary Caterpiller for the whole kindergarten (300+ kids).

Today, five years later, I have proof. I went to one friend's house and my other friend along with another mutual friend from that first kindergarten class joined us there. Wow. My Japanese friends. We haven't been all together since they farewelled me two years ago when we left for Australia for a year.

2007: Me with my two friends on my left. I taught them how to make Apple Pies, in 30 degree heat!

You might find that a strange thing to be excited about, Don't you have heaps of friends? Actually no, not Japanese friends. It is hard to make good Japanese friends, especially when you speak Japanese as badly as I do. I am very grateful for these three ladies. 

Thankful too that they've agreed to get together every month or so. To practice their English and just to enjoy one another's company. Yay! None of them are Christians. They're not even particularly interested, as far as I can tell. But if they do become interested, I'll be around...

One universal language - games

Today we travelled to a different part of Tokyo (1 1/2 hours on the trains) to spend the day with some Japanese friends. We met them six years ago when they were in Australia and the father was studying at our Alma mater, the University of Queensland. It has been a joy to keep up with them, seeing them every six to twelve months. They have two children whose ages are around the same as ours.They understand very well what it is to be a foreigner in the land where you are living. 

The tricky thing is that while we have some Japanese and they have quite a bit of English, our children are not quite so well equipped for playing with each other. They've lost most of their English and our boys have lost most of their Japanese. It is a pity. We're just hoping that in the future their motivation to learn the other language will pick up.

Nonetheless, we found ways to play today. Tag or onigokko is a universal language. As is 'Cops and Robbers'. The less energetic play included Monopoly and a modern form of tops that is popular in Japan with children.

Bewildering the locals

Today I felt like a writer. Actually all I was doing was critiquing other people's work (from my internet-based critique group), but it was the where I did it that was fun. One of my critique group lives in America but visits Japan periodically to see her Japanese in-laws and her son and his family who also live here. Today we were able to meet to have coffee.

It worked out that I had some extra time between dropping the boys off at school and meeting her so I took along my laptop to do some critiquing work. I worked in the school library for a bit then went off to catch the train. As it happens I caught an early one (still haven't gotten used to how close we are to the train here) and I had some spare time to wait at the other end. Some thoughtful town planner had put some lovely trees and a park bench close to the coffee shop, so I parked myself there and pulled out my computer for a bit more work.

It felt good, using my time productively. Then, out of the corner of my eye I saw an elderly gentleman who helps with bike parking at the large store across the road from the coffee shop. He stood only a couple of metres from me in his fluorescent work vest just looking. It is unusual for Japanese to stare. They do look at us weird foreigners, but not too obviously. This guy was totally intrigued. I can only imagine his thoughts as he craned his neck to catch a glimpse of my screen.

Oh look, there's a foreigner. What's she doing? She doesn't look like a business woman in her t-shirt, skirt and joggers. But why is she using a computer? What could she possibly be doing? Maybe if I get a little closer I can find out...

 It was fun to be mysterious. I am something of a non-conformist. I think that was the part of me that secretly rejoiced at causing this man such bewilderment.

Learning more about Japanese women #1

Since we came back to Japan I've had limited access to books because the school is on summer break. We did get one chance to get books out, the day after we arrived. One of the books I grabbed as we raced around the shelves has proven to be thought provoking and I want to share some of the things I've learned.

"The Japanese Woman. Traditional Image and Changing Reality." by Sumiko Iwao.

The book doesn't have an outsider-looking-in view to it. It is written by a Japanese lady who's had a lot of experience both inside and outside of Japan. Neither does it have a translated-from-Japanese feel to it. It was published in 1993 and I was a little suspicious it might be a bit out of date. However I think my fears are unfounded, Japanese society hasn't changed as fast as the author suspected it would.

Writing book reviews are difficult and I don't really want to, except that after a conversation I had with an American new to Japan I realised that I've actually learned a lot and had much I already had imbibed about Japan confirmed. So here are a few main points. Actually there were too many, so I'll make this a short series of four posts over a couple of weeks.

Marriage and the family

• Japanese women are traditionally known outside Japan to be largely housewives, with their husbands working long hours. This is no longer a true picture of younger Japanese women. Men, maybe, still tend to be bound by companies who ask them to work ridiculously long hours (not just my opinion, but the opinion of the author). 
• The traditional picture is what Japan was like in the 60s and 70s when the economy was riding high and women were not required to work in primary industries. In the mid 70s as affluence grew, women began to ask themselves, "What do I want out of life?" From then on women's participation in the workforce has been increasing.
• Women here traditionally hold the purse strings. In the past (and maybe the present?) they've given their husbands spending money. So they hold tremendous power in the household. They also do pretty much everything that holds the household together, except provide the money to support the household.
• Women have had considerable freedom. With their husbands earning the wage that supports the household and being away most of the time (for example 6am to 9 or 10 pm hasn't been unusual), their wives have the freedom to do what they want with their time. Particularly once labour-saving devices like washing machines and fridges were commonplace. Also clothing becoming relatively cheap to buy rather than make.
• With their freedom they've chosen to do many pleasurable activities, like join clubs, volunteer work, follow their interests.
• Women have been increasingly working, but more often part-time. They still by-and-large take time off during their children's pre-school years. The money they've earned has tended to be for extras, as opposed to essentials for the household.
• There appears to be a vast gap between the sexes. This may be closing a little, but for the most part men don't understand women and don't make much attempt to find out. Women prefer to hang out with their girlfriends. 
• Marriage has been a pragmatic situation. It's provided necessary support for the man (who has had to work such long hours that he needs help to live) as well as met the support needs of elderly parents.
• The author wonders how this is going to change as women decide that they don't want this and choose instead to be single or wait for a man who'll treat them like a friend.
• Verbal communication between husband and wife can be minimal. Compliments and expressions of fondness tend to be backhanded and indirect.

The penny dropped

Well, maybe the yen dropped. I connected two things I knew about Japan today as I had lunch with friends who've supported us for a long time and just recently went to Japan. They said - as most short-term visitors do - that "Japan was a wonderful place. And that if they hadn't heard about the many difficulties (like suicide, mental health issues etc.) from us, they would never have known."

It occurred to me that Japanese are all about presentation - making it look good. They do this with food, with shops, with relationships, and, obviously with tourism too. It is a clean, efficient, polite country. Perfect for tourists.

It just annoys long-termers like us, when people breeze in and out of the country and rave about it, but see only the good stuff. We, who see the difficulties, the two-faced-ness and the inefficiencies. The desperation, sadness and loneliness. Who get tired of the politeness and want true friendship.

But now I know why - the Japanese have done their usual trick of putting on a good "outside face" and beguiled the tourists.

Japanese and friendships

I've found a survey of Japanese people's thoughts on friendship here. It is illuminating. Particularly for one who's spent eight years in Japan trying to make friends! And the other two years of the decade trying to explain to Australians why it is difficult to make friends in Japan with Japanese.

Here is a sample:

Over 40% admitted to having only four or fewer friends.

55% of those friends were made at high school.

Q5: Which friends are the bedrock of your current interpersonal-relationships?
29.2% said children. 24.9% said parents. 16.6% said no one in particular.

Q6: Regarding socialising, which of the following describe you? (Sample size=13,534, multiple answer)
47.4% said it was best to keep a certain distance from other people.
8.3% said they often invite friends over to their house.

I wonder how Australians would answer these questions?

More on emotional Japanese mums

I put the question, "Why Japanese mothers cry at the end of year class meetings?" to a bilingual Japanese friend of mine. Here is a summary of her answer: "Because they have to face the fact that their good relationship will finish soon. In the same way, many fathers of the bride cry at the wedding ceremony, because the relationship that they've had will change from then on. All of our teachers were really good teachers. We knew that they tried their best in the class, they loved our children. This doesn't always happen. Some end-of-year meetings no one cries. Also, at the end-of-year class meeting mothers are nervous as they speak about sensitive things. This makes it easier for them to cry." I understand her answer, but I think it confirms my suspicion that Japanese attach more deeply to their teachers than Westerners do. Teachers too, seem to attach to their kids very deeply. It doesn't answer my questions as to WHY do they speak of such sensitive things at that meeting! So, I continue the "month of farewells". On Wednesday the mothers of the children put on a concert/show At the end they played it out as a major tear jerker. After they'd officially thanked the teachers and given them gifts, the teachers made speeches then they thanked all the class representatives and given them flowers; I was ready to go home. Then they pulled out the big gun. They lined the kids up in an honour avenue and the teachers went down and did a 'sayonara high five' to each student! If they weren't crying before then, this one really did them in. Mothers, teachers, children alike! My eyes were wet - but mostly at the apparent agony of others. My son didn't really know what to make of it, particularly as this wasn't the last day of kindy. One more - the graduation ceremony next Wednesday. Then we're home and free :)

Final post on the peculiarities of Japanese kindergartens.

12. Then of course you have the events. Sports Day, Summer Festival, Mochi Festival (Japanese pounded rice), Art Show. All of these have varying parental involvement. The sports day being universally the biggest. Our kindy’s summer festival was big, however. All families took turns at looking after their class’ stall. We've just had an end-of-year party/concert organised by the mums of the classes (there are three graduating classes). The mums planned and practised for months - no kidding. I got away with only one hour of decorating the hall on the day. Phew!

13. Sports Day, which is more like a combined outdoor concert and family picnic event. It is huge and a real community event. Grandparents, aunts and uncles, past students and teachers all rock up. The kids have prepared dances and other presentations, like gymnastics displays and practised them for about three months. They also have races! Mostly fairly non competitive stuff, though. Each mum (and grandma sometimes) puts a massive effort into preparing their family's picnic lunch. Many mums get up earlier than 6am to prepare.

 14. Apologies. I don't understand this fully, however, if your child hurts someone significantly, then you are required to apologise to their mother. This often happens by phone and I did have to do it a couple of times. I have a Japanese friend who is a Christian. Her son was so badly behaved that she ended up having an apology party at the end of the year for the whole class! Amazingly several women became Christians as a result! They all wanted to know how she managed to cope when her child was such a challenge.

 15. Socialising. This really underlies all my previous 14 points. Everything I've written about involves language, written or spoken. I've had people ask me, "Aside from the language, what is the hardest thing about living in Japan?" It really is very left brained to try and separate language from all other aspects of Japanese life. It is integral to life. If you don't have it, it is like living your life in black and white. All the interactions at kindergarten, from the greeting as you walk in in the morning, to the little chats with the teacher at the end of the day, to the complicated social interactions that you are dragged into by the nature of the youchien beast...It is all harder as a foreigner who speaks way less than perfect Japanese. It is all tiring and challenging.

Another day I'll tell you some stories about when I got it wrong and the chaos that can result! I am thankful that God gave me some very good friends who were bilingual and the kindergarten was kind enough to put us in the same class as them for three years. Well now, I am exhausted. Good night!