From very early on in parenting boys, I was determined that my boy/s would learn how to look after themselves and a house. That includes cooking as well as housework. I don't want them to be a burden on their future wives, but rather a blessing. We have probably done several things right so far - my husband is very good around the house, so he's a great example. From early on I included sticky little fingers with baking and occasionally cooking a main meal. So they all know the basics about following a recipe and measuring ingredients.
It is the more complicated, less enjoyable tasks that I've struggled to get a handle on. For a while we had a family-incentive driven chore chart. The boys rotated between setting the table and vacuuming the dining room floor, collectively earning points that would eventually allow us to enjoy a family treat together. It worked for a while, though I did spend a lot of time fuming, nagging and urging onwards. The boys weren't motivated at all.
When we returned to Australia, somehow we never got back into the slot. I never instigated a roster of chores while we were there. Occasionally I'd goad someone into helping me, but usually just David and I shared them together. We did have a dishwasher and David wasn't working full-time outside the home, so we did have more time to devote to housework.
But I decided that enough was enough when we returned to Japan. To add to my dissatisfaction with the situation, the boys were bored with too many summer holidays on their hands. So I made up a somewhat complex system that is relatively easy to implement. Each chore has a points rating (different for different aged boys). Each boy has the chores they are responsible for listed for the day they are to be done. There are penalty points for whining, more than one reminder and not doing the job. There are non-monetary rewards for different amounts of points (eg. a donut for 15 points).
I don't want to pay the boys to do housework. No one gets paid to do their own housework. But how to get them motivated? That was my dilemma. I hope I've temporarily solved the problem. As my husband notes, no one motivational system lasts forever with our boys (and most children?).
The other day I read about something called a "Token Economy" that put my heart to rest at offering rewards for effort.
It said, "it is clearly a form of external motivation and ultimately the...child will need to develop inner motivation as well. However a Token Economy can be used as a stepping stone to that end. Unless we have a way of kick-starting desirable behaviour, the child will never get the chance to experience the inner satisfaction of doing well just for its own sake."This book is particularly about parenting children who are not easy to teach good behaviour to, but I think the principle has merit. In the process of earning their rewards they are developing a knowledge of how to do the job. Hopefully they will eventually learn that doing housework has its own rewards, like satisfaction at a job well done, satisfaction of seeing dirty dishes clean or satisfaction at being able to take care of one's own place.
5 comments:
I'm fighting the same battle at the moment!
Go for it Wendy! As you say, their wives will thank you for it one day, and hopefully the intrinsic motivation will kick in sometime along the way.
Thanks for your encouragement folks! It makes all the difference. Keep at it Millie!
I am no expert in this area! I've instituted a lot of ideas and they've come and gone. But one that's working for me right now is to have just one or two times a week where chores get done. Everyone does their chores at the same time. For example, on Saturday mornings, everyone is required to clean their rooms and vacuum their floor. Nothing else happens in the house during that time and I set aside my own time to supervise it. My husband and I usually do some chores of our own that aren't too taxing at the same time so everyone is involved and on task. I used to have different children doing different tasks at different times during the week and it all meant a lot of keeping track of chores for me. And sometimes chores would be happening while I was trying to get something else done (like cooking dinner) and that usually upped my frustration level. Now it's all rolled into one time and one lot of supervision. The day does not move on until your chores are done. Our kids are young, so their chores are pretty limited and fit easily into a half hour on a Saturday morning. But I guess that's when you need to get the battle of the chores won and then hopefully when they are older and used to the responsibility of chores you can diversify the times a bit more. I'm finding the "herd mentality" is helping.
Good on you "anonymous", keep up the good work. I do think that people with multiple children have a somewhat easier time on this than people with only children. Seeing that they are not just getting picked on, but it is a group expectation makes a difference. Helping one another to do jobs is also a good thing to learn to do. I do recommend a small house too! We had much more trouble when we lived in a larger house in Australia than what we do here in Japan. Mess spreads further!
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