Kids bring constraints

"We can't get out to meet people because of our kids." 

Our boys' social lives are completely turned on their
heads on home assignment. There are some kids that
they remember, but with three to five years between
encounters, things can be awkward. But often they have
had to socialising with people who David and I know, 
rather than people they know.

This was said by an experienced missionary on home assignment whose journey through parenting as a missionary has gone a very different path to ours. Most of their home assignments have been as singles or as a childless couple. 

Our whole missionary journey has been with children, so we've never been without the challenge of doing home assignment without considering our children. When they were younger we more easily bundled them in the car and took them wherever we went, though we had to consider things like feeds (yep, done deputation with two of our boys when they were newborns), daytime sleeps, and early bedtimes. 

We used to pray before each church meeting that there would be someone who would take it upon themselves to volunteer as a temporary babysitter while we spoke during the service. 

As they got older, we had to consider entertainment and distraction: how to keep their busy bodies and minds in check while we did our thing. Then school came into the equation and we had to make home assignment decisions around schooling that involved where we lived, when we worked, and how we'd juggle moving between two different schooling systems and school years (one starting in August and one in January).

These days we're free-er to go out without them, sometimes leaving them on their own at home during the day. This home assingment we have had one at uni, one at a day school, and one doing homeschooling. All three options had an impact on the way we did things. 

But as teens they are much more opinionated about what we do and how we do it. We've been as considerate as we could in how we include them and how much we expect of them. That has included sometimes allowing our younger two to go to our home church without us, while we've been at another church, choosing not to stay overnight at a church 90 minutes from our house, or turning down the opportunity to take on a week-long opportunity at a church far enough away that we'd have had to stay there the week. 

And we've never expected them to stand up in front of a church with us or participate in any way, other than being present (which has been enough of a trial at times—they've heard our standard spiel more than a dozen times and David's single sermon at least half a dozen times, not to mention fielding questions from interested/concerned bystanders who felt that our boys needed to receive attention). These are decisions that we've judged best for our kids and our family in general, they aren't general recommendations for how anyone else should do home assignment, though I believe wise parents will always do their best to consider the needs of their kids as they make decisions about home assignment.

But some people have had trouble, at times, understanding our decisions. We've tried to be understanding and, when necessary, explain in a general way that doesn't infringe on our family's privacy. But I do wonder sometimes, why the standards must be different for us than they are for others. After all, I think most families with teenagers would not agree that they could happily uproot their family, go to a different country, put their kids in school, and drag them all over the place—visiting churches and other groups on their weekends and at nights. It is a really hard thing to ask of a family, but missionary familes are expected to do it.

Though I have to remember that other people don't know our kids or our family very well, and it's not easy for others to see the reasoning behind the decisions we make and how much stress we hold as we try to do our best to consider everyone's needs as well as our responsibilities.

Needless to say, we're happy to be going back to Japan soon and walking away from many of these stressors. We have a much more "normal" life in Japan. One where our weeks are pretty regular, with boys at school, and David and I working regular office hours. Our weekends are full of sport and church and resting.

I hope this doesn't come across as a big whinge. This is something that is close to my heart, and it's hard not to write passionately about it. I'm really grateful to the people who pray for our kids as their deal with our not-so-ordinary lifestyle.

An unusual Christmas Day

When we first went to Japan we had to find new ways of celebrating Christmas, but that is a long time ago now. After 18 years of this missionary life, and only three Christmases in Australia in that time, Japan is the norm and Australia is the outlier (this year is our fourth). All our boys think of winter as the normal time to have Christmas, and having Christmas as a nuclear family is also normal. Expanding our celebrations to include extended family who live in different parts of the state adds to the strangeness of this time.

Sorting out how we would "do" Christmas wasn't easy this time, for various reasons. However, we finally managed to nail down a travel schedule late in November. We travelled up to Rockhampton (about eight hour's drive) to have several days with David's mum and then down to Toowoomba to my parents. 

At both places, we had or will have an extended family "Christmas Day". Involving presents and festive food. It turned out that, however, that the 25th wasn't a good day for either side of our family to celebrate together. So, to avoid awkwardness, David came up with the brilliant suggestion of travelling on Christmas Day and having our own nuclear family celebration on the road. Early on our all-day Christmas day journey one of the boys declared this was the weirdest Christmas ever, but after our lunch at a quiet park when we ate leftover roast chicken/ham sandwiches and fudge then exchanged presents, it was declared, "The best Christmas ever." Nice!

Here are some photos from the day:

A classic rural Australian road scene (at least within a few hundred km of the coast).

Where we had lunch.

Another tree in the park where we celebrated Christmas day as a family this year.

At our first stop, we found a bush that looked like it had been decorated just for
Christmas: but it was all God's decorating.

Exchanging presents.

Our last stop before arriving in Toowoomba. Such a classic park scene and blue sky.

I've found it challenging to have two mindsets these last few weeks: holiday/Christmas and finishing up our time in Australia. I've been switching between the two. At the moment we're trying to relax as deeply as possible and trying not to allow thoughts about what we'll need to do from next Tuesday (move house and leave the country in eight days). I hope that it will all work out in the end and that I won't be too much of a wreck before it's all done. Thankfully my indigestion has settled down for the time being (last week I was chewing antacids regularly). That's an indication that I'm getting some relaxation.

Now I'm going to sign off. We're about to go an play some "backyard" cricket in the park with the boys. I was serious when I said we're trying to relax deeply: we're immersing ourselves in an Australian summer, including watching cricket day and night. And now, playing it too!

Latest newsletter

I've started many blog posts in my head recently, but simply haven't had the time (or if I've had the time, haven't had the energy) to complete one. But I can share our very early January newsletter with you, shared this early so that we can let people know about our Commissioning service on the first Sunday of 2019.  What a great way to start the new year! But also let people know a bit more about our movements in the coming weeks. 

Here's a screenshot. If you want a better version, drop me an email or message. If you don't have an address for me, use this: wendymarshall04 at gmail dot com

A testing time

David preaching.

I awoke this morning while writing a blog post in my head. It's these sorts of things that remind me that I am a writer (even if I've no ambition to write a book). But it's been 10 days since I wrote a blog post, so it's certainly time to put some words on the screen, as a lot has happened.

Our home church on Sunday as David preached. 

The big news is that late on Friday afternoon we were given the news that we would be allowed to proceed to Japan as planned in early January. It's hard to find words to say about this, which is one of the reasons I haven't written. 

It had been sixteen days of waiting. Those were hard days. For those who interacted with us during those days, we tried to put on brave faces, but I really struggled. My body was telling me I was struggling. Like most people, I have a list of usual physical stress signs and I had just about every one of them, including headaches and nausea.

David preached again on Sunday (for the last time this home assignment), the same sermon, on the latter half of Matthew 16, about trusting God for everything. We've heard him preach this same sermon several times across the last few months. But it was much more personal on Sunday and left me feeling raw. It's not all that fun having your personal, spiritual challenges laid out for others to watch and comment on.

On the surface, it might seem that the timing of when we go back to Japan wouldn't be that big a concern, but actually, it's bigger than perhaps can easily be seen first off. It was like a king domino threatening to fall and the consequences included decisions about our boys' education, two houses that we're currently leasing (one in Ipswich and one in Tokyo), David's job, and all the people we would have let down if we'd had to stay here. Not to mention that we'd already visited all our supporting churches in the last four and half months and couldn't imagine what else we'd be doing if we'd stayed longer. We'd just spoken at 18 churches, nearly two dozen small groups, and met with over 20 individuals or groups for meals or coffee. So this news came as we were feeling very tired. On a bigger scale than that, it seemed as though our call to Japan was being questioned. 

As I wrote back here, it wasn't the only difficult news we had to deal with. Over a period of just eight days, we had "hits" from several different fronts. It was as if we were being assaulted with bad news on every side. Family, friends, kids, and our calling. Thankfully our marriage remained and we were able to stand strong together, though at times like this I definitely feel like the weaker one, the one whose body gives in to stress far more easily.

Not a large pool, but sufficiently deep and
wet enough to have fun in.

Looking back, however, there are several other things to be thankful about. Amidst the question of our calling, we were given much affirmation by colleagues and close friends here and in Japan. Many people stood by us as we waited. I was able to tell some of the more personal struggles with close friends and they were a great support to us also. In having our calling to Japan questioned, we sought the Lord and only found confirmation, though a warning to remember always where our trust should lie.

I'm writing from the depths of our short holiday. We'd planned a six-night get-away from Sunday afternoon and, though it was hard to guard this time, we're glad we did and it's been a blessed relief to have no other responsibilities other than taking care of ourselves. We've also been incredibly blessed by being able to stay (for free) in a six-bedroom, three-bathroom house with a pool and media room, tucked away on the Sunshine Coast. It's been wonderful.

While we're away we're trying not to think about all that needs to be arranged and done to make another international move in under a month. Thankfully, on Friday, we were able to book flights back to Japan for the 9th of January (we didn't let grass grow!). We've got a house already set up in Tokyo and a car (though it's being used in Yokohama at present). There are just a few things to do before we leave, like packing up and cleaning where we're living in Ipswich. Though we've been living lightly, so there isn't too much to pack.

We go back to Ipswich on Saturday and then have several medical appointments on Monday and Tuesday and will take off again on Thursday to spend the rest of the month with first David's family, then mine.

One of the ironies about this whole situation is that I do find it hard to leave Australia after home assignment. Australia is a comfortable place for us. We fit in here better than we do in Japan. So, even after fighting to go back to Japan as planned, I do still have mixed emotions about leaving. There's no doubt we're supposed to be in Japan . . . but.

Yesterday one of the boys started a "Would you rather______ or ________." conversation. I grabbed this with two hands, and asked them questions like:

"Would you rather a hot Christmas or cold one?" Unanimously they answered "cold".
"Would you rather eat Japanese or Australian instant noodles?" Again a unanimous "Japan".

Then they got one in: "Would you rather live in Japan or Australia?"

I begged off. I simply can't answer that. After fighting to go back to Japan in January as planned, I can no longer legitimately say that I prefer living in Australia (unless you remove from me a sense that I have to do something meaningful with my life*).

I've no idea when I'll post again. Probably next time I wake up with a blog post in my head...


*Of course I'm not implying that there is nothing to do in Australia that is meaningful, just that I'm not called to do meaningful work in Australia at the moment.

Acquainted with grief

Another thing the psychologist asked me to think and write about was how Jesus was "acquainted with grief" (from Isaiah 53). She was suggesting that we can learn to not treat grief like an enemy, more like a friend. However, after pondering this, I think it's a better course to get to know the one who is acquainted with grief and has the capacity to heal us.

I found a good article pondering this (I have a theological issue with the second last sentence, but the rest is great): http://www.terynobrien.com/2014/04/10/jesus-man-sorrows-acquainted-grief/

This bench in Singapore reminded me of one of our loses this
year: a friend and missionary colleague who passed away
from brain cancer a few months ago. Her husband has
had a passion for photographing benches around the world,
in times past (when our boys were younger and more
willing to pose for my camera) we'd take "bench photos" and
send them to him.

Here are some quotes from the post:

He [Jesus] lived his life knowing that the people he loved and served and healed would someday turn on him. 

I am not alone. Jesus knows pain. He knows grief. He’s walked that road. He’s carried those burdens. And I can lean on Him when I get so,  so weary.

He’s the only One who can truly comfort the broken, the hurting, the grieving. . . Turn to the Messiah who is acquainted with grief and find healing in his nail-scarred embrace.

We are not alone. This secular world would like us to think that we are, that all we need is ourselves. But, deep down, most of us know that we need more than that. We usually end up reaching out to others and things that won't satisfy us in the long-term. Don't get me wrong, God's given us these people and things. It's not wrong to invest in relationships with others to help us through this life, it's just that they will never be able to meet all our needs. No matter how hard they try, they will fail (as will we, in relating to them).

The only one who won't is Jesus. Though it's not necessarily so easy to relate to him as it is to someone who is sitting across the table from you. I think becoming better acquainted with Jesus is a life-long task, one that I've got a lot more to learn about yet!

Scripture backs up the idea that Jesus will comfort us. I read the following last week:

"Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves receive from God" (2 Corinthians 1:2-4 NIV).

Followed by this later in the book of second Corinthians:

"Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen, since what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal" (4:16-18).

That's our ongoing challenge: to keep lifting our eyes from the pain and ugliness of this world (and even from the beautiful and attractive) to our unseen God. It's a daily battle, and one that I doubt will be won by this flawed human this side of heaven.

Seize the day

One of the things we do a lot when we're in Australia is "seize the day". Here are some recent examples:

I've been buying a lot of mangoes and green grapes. That might or might not seem strange to you. Green seedless grapes of the sort I grew up eating aren't common in Japan (although I've increasingly seen equivalents there in the last year). So while I'm here, I'm going to enjoy them. I almost never have mango in Japan, because they are expensive and always look dodgy (especially for the price). The other day I had a brief encounter with a grocery store employee who expressed surprise at all my mangoes, I didn't bother to explain to her that I was seizing the day!

Last Wednesday we went to a live international cricket match. Both David and I are fans, but I have never been to a live international match and he's never been to a short-form game. Last home assignment we tried to get to one, but the match was washed out and so all we saw was a bit of a boring interstate match. 

Last Wednesday was a great experience, only tempered by the shocking news about our financial support that we'd received hours earlier. We were surprised at how loud the crowd was (but we were sitting in the midst of very loud Indian supporters, possibly the most animated group in the stadium). It did rain for a bit, which meant some delay mid-match, but we ended up seeing 17 overs-a-side (instead of 20). Then there was a thrilling finish where Australia won and we had a great view from our three-rows-from the-front seats. Great entertainment. The boys were surprised at how much fun it was. Another seize-the-day moment.

This isn't quite in the same category, but close. I seize the day by reading as many books as I can from our local library. I love having such a wonderful library close by (we drive past our local branch at least four times a day on school days). The library pictured is not our local branch, but the central branch that I visited today because I was in the area and needed a cool, quiet place to wait for a couple of hours.

Tonight we're having roast chicken. I'd have to say it's also a seize-the-day event. In Australia we take every opportunity to enjoy the meat so easily available here, especially sausages (sooo much better than Japanese sausages) and meat pies. But other food too, although trying to keep a lid on the Australian lollies that we love to indulge in!

And of course fruit mince pies: ones that are freely available in the shops, not painstakingly made at home.

We do the same in Japan: we enjoy the things that you can enjoy there, and not in Australia. I can bet that our boys will be wanting some Japanese convenience store food soon after we arrive back!

Friendship goal

One thing I've been working on these last six weeks is solidifying commitment to be closer to some friends I already had here in Australia. 

Here's a special long-term friendship. This photo was
taken at the airport on the day we left for the mission
field in November 2000. We spent a weekend with
these friends when we first arrived back in Australia
in July. Friends who we can go deep with
quickly, despite great time between meetings.

It is a goal that came out of visiting the psychologist who consults for our mission. I went to talk to her about learning to better deal with the grief inherent in our cross-cultural lifestyle. She asked a lot of questions about my friendships and realised that though we have worked in the same organisation for 18 years and in the same location for the last 12, my friendships have had a lot of change over the years, even people who seemed that they would be there for the long-haul have had to leave for various reasons.

It's a common experience for people who live an expat lifestyle (check out this article):

Without realizing it, a lifetime of moving has caused me to neglect one of the most important areas in a woman’s life: that of developing close friends. Sometimes instead of shying away from getting to know new people, I actually do the opposite and try to make as many new acquaintances as possible. This is also not a healthy response, as I am avoiding getting close to anyone. (by Kristene, working with Wycliffe)

I'm not sure if things got as bad as that for me, but I have certainly found it a challenge to ask friends about going for a deeper commitment. However, I've been pleasantly surprised by the responses I got.

I've been trying to write this blog post for several weeks. In October I wrote:

Recently I have been talking to some good friends about the topic of "friends". I'm surprised at how little we actually talk about this with friends, but it is also a somewhat scary thing to talk about. Female friendships can be volatile. Any woman who remembers her childhood can tell you that. Any mum of girls can tell you that. Any primary school teacher will no doubt agree. As an adult we like to think that we're past all that volatility, but the risk of being hurt is there, the risk of putting too much emphasis on one friend and then having that fall through is there.

Nonetheless I've made some progress. And I'd have to say that it was timely, given recent events. I've had timely face-to-face times with two special friends in the last week that has helped me stay afloat (mind you both times I was unable to make it through the food that my friends bought for me). And with two other friends I've formed an online "support group" using Messenger. Though we've all been very busy, we've been encouraging one another through some tough stuff (not just my tough stuff). It's been exciting, even heady stuff.

Friends are costly, but also incredibly precious. Sometimes they also take a lot more conscious effort to develop than you might expect, especially in a lifestyle with lots of transition.

I go back to the psychologist next week and am looking forward to telling her about my progress.

Here's another post about friends I wrote a couple of years ago.