Moving our sons out (part two)

Eleven days after his brother moved out, our 21 y.o. also moved into his own place. It's a shorter story than "Part one".

He's moved one suburb over, only 8 km from us, and it was a vastly more simple process than moving internationally! His new place is a mostly furnished studio apartment (what's a studio apartment?) that is a converted garage, attached to a home. So it only took a couple of trips on Tuesday afternoon to move him in.

The more interesting story about this move is how we found this place. Often, during the last couple of months, I've referred to us as "detectives" as we followed leads in our search for the right place. Our son didn't yet have the finances to rent a place on his own and we didn't have any financial resources to help much. Plus, because of various issues I don't want to go into here for his privacy sake, our son wasn't going to fit into just any household or house-share. During our search we tried inspecting a couple of options, but it was pretty obvious that neither would work. As his mum I found it a distinctly uncomfortable emotional rollercoaster at times.

We had lots of people within our network praying: prayer partners, supporting churches, and others. We had people telling us about leads and putting notices in their church bulletins. And quite a few asking for updates.

His private verandah

Then one Sunday in mid-January I got a message from one of our supporters whom I haven't seen in many years. She sent me a screenshot of a church bulletin advertising a studio apartment attached to the home of a young Christian family. It sounded intriguing, so we asked for more information. Which lead to lots of detailed information about this private rental that the young couple have set up, and later a visit to see it. Overall it seemed like a good option, so he indicated his interest. And as he wasn't the first in line, we then waited weeks for news.

The waiting was hard, but in the midst of that we were planning for our other son's move. Then (what felt like a long time) we heard that the studio was his, if he wanted it. I can't tell you how relieved I felt.

What's intriguing to me is how we found out about it. The lady who sent us the ad doesn't go to the church where the ad was published, she knows some people there and plays the piano there sometimes. I don't think the owners of the apartment go to this church either. It seems to be a classic "Christian network" story. Whatever the full story is, we're thankful.

In the last weeks we've found a desk and chair, a second-hand bike, and bought bits and pieces including storage containers that will fit this small space. We've had things given to us, including food, plastic containers, cutlery, a blanket, and a fan. When we arrived on Tuesday we found the owners had put a few food items in the studio as a welcome gift.

On Tuesday we loaded up our car, and the trailer we borrowed for this season of moving, and headed over (a mere 12-minute drive). It didn't take long to move everything in. The interesting part of a studio apartment is that things don't always go where you might expect, because there are only one or two rooms. This one has a door in the middle, giving a little division between the "wet area" and the bed/living area. But the kitchen is kinda split between the two rooms. I was surprised to find the apartment includes a private covered verandah, which is a good place to put his bike so it doesn't get chewed by the family's energetic dog, but also to hang laundry. 

All in all, it's a nice little place, a good "starter" and I hope our son will enjoy the peace and quiet.* And that as he learns to live independent of us, that he'll grow in many ways that weren't easy to do when he was supported by us and living under our roof.

We now have no children left in our home, for the first time in nearly 25 years! It's different, but also good. It will take some adjusting to, but we're not sad. 

We've discovered that we're largely moving against cultural trends here too. As you probably know, many young adults in Australia (and in many other wealthy countries) are remaining at home for many years after they graduate from high school. The idea that we're actively moving our sons out has come as a bit of a surprise to some. But, taken in the context of our occupation and where we work, it makes sense. Japan isn't home to our sons, even though they grew up there. Their language skills aren't currently at the level that would enable them to live independently there. Australia is the easiest place for them to get a start on the next chapter in their lives (cheapest place for an Aussie to do tertiary study, for example), so if you understand the bigger picture, it's the logical choice.

I'm so, so glad to finally be able to tell you the "end" of this story. Of course we're just starting another chapter, the story of our lives as parents isn't over yet, it just looks different now that they are no longer living under our roof.

* One thing that makes it hard for him to live with other people is a sensory disorder called misophonia. It's a relatively unknown, and minimally researched problem that is barely recognised by medical professionals (or government agencies). Misophonia is an intolerance of certain sounds and associated cues. Typically repetitive aural or nasal sounds such as chewing, swallowing, sniffing, heavy breathing. It can cause people to feel uncontrollable anger. It's profoundly shaped our son's life, and, because we've lived with him for two decades, our lives and relationship with him have been impacted too.

It's different to any home assignment we've done before

This is a different home assignment to any we've done before this. Mainly because we've got older kids who aren't in school anymore. We don't have school pickup or drop-off to take into consideration, we don't have to get them to after-school events or sport. They are pretty independent due to the location of our house and we are free to plan our schedule without them. 

When I'm able, I've been trying to come here to
write on Tuesday mornings. This library is a very 
short ride/walk from home. I love that this time
we're very close to a regional city centre,
 it makes it feel more like Japan than when 
we've had to drive everywhere.

September was a prime example: going to Perth for 18 days, and then six days after returning we went to a camp for four days. The camp would have worked when our kids were younger, because it was during the school holidays, but probably not when they were teens. None of our guys are very extroverted and as teens wouldn't have appreciated four days away from home with 100 unknown peers and leaders.

This Thursday we're leaving at around 7.30 a.m. to get to Toowoomba (my home town, about 1 ½ hrs west of here) for a 9.30 prayer meeting . . . and then we're staying the night, in fact three nights. In the past we would have taken the boys to school and then dashed up to Toowoomba and planned to be back by 3 the same day to pick them up from school.

This is a tiny glimpse of what last time looked like: It's a strange job

It's definitely easier in many ways this time. We only have to move the two of us around. And it's allowed a lot more freedom to what we choose to say yes to, in terms of opportunities to speak and serve. We did a lot more work in the evenings last month than we've done before.

The downside is that while school and our kids restricted our movements, they also provided some structure to our decisions too. In the past we've often taken school holiday times to do family-related things (for non-Aussies, we have four ten-week terms here, with three two-week vacation periods between terms, plus around six weeks at Christmas). 

Many people assume we spend our home assignment close to family, however that isn't the case. We both grew up in country towns and moved to Brisbane to study at university. The greater Brisbane area is where we have most of our support base as that's where we were located when we began this mission journey. So none of our immediate family is closer than Toowoomba, and all of David's family is a day's drive (eight hours) away. It's been harder this time to decide when to take a chunk of time to visit them. 

Part of the reason we haven't gone to see our families yet has been work-driven (the Perth trip was timed to get to a once-a-year church camp from a long-time supporting church). And partly it's because we've prioritised our sons. A number of the things we've done with them in the last 11 weeks (yes, it's 11 weeks today since we arrived in Australia) have been time sensitive. For example, getting a learners licence as early as possible was important because getting a licence here is fairly dependent on the volunteer labour of parents, as 100 hours of driving experience needs to be documented before a test can be taken!

But in October we're hoping to see most, if not all of our siblings and parents (although I won't get to see David's family until Christmas time, he's driving up there with our youngest son when I'm busy at a women's convention).

Of course each home assignment is different, especially when you have children. But when you only do this every five years, things change. Other things, aside from our children, that have changed this time around (big and small):

• some churches no longer exist or no longer want us to visit them and some of our supporters and friends are no longer with us on this earth
• we're in a different suburb (yet again . . . we're yet to stay in the same suburb twice!)
• we're now in our 50s, I think that makes a difference to energy levels
• deputising when you've been serving overseas for over 20 years seems different, and people are commenting on that length
• we've also got a lot more experience and confidence than we did when we started off in 1999, before we'd even set foot in Japan
• Australia has changed, in small ways and big ways. 
• There's been a pandemic, for example. Hint: if you want to stop people asking questions about you, change the subject to the pandemic and they'll talk for a long time about their experience!
• I'm pretty sure that there's been a change in what stores sell: some places that used to be more generalist (e.g. Big W, Target, KMart), are now more specialised? I've been more lost here than I am in Japan in finding some non-food things!
• Australia continues to get more and more expensive, it's vastly different to when we first left in 2000 (Japan and Australia have flipped in comparison to one another in 20 years)
• we get to take long service leave this time!!! (for non-Aussies and Kiwis this is paid leave that you get in our countries after a certain period of working for the same organisation and you'll hear more about it from me next year as we prepare to take off in late March)
• my parents no longer live in the house I knew from the age of 15, so visiting them feels just a little bit different
• I've got two friends in south-east Queensland who I've been communicating with almost daily for the last five years, that means I'm feeling less lonely and disconnected here than in the past

But it's time to go and pack my bag for yet another trip away. Thankfully this month we only will clock around five or six nights away, compared to September's 21!

Glasses—three pairs!

Nothing says your 40s like multiple pairs of glasses! But actually I've been juggling two pairs of glasses since my early adult years. I'm short sighted with astigmatism, so I've used glasses for distance since my late teens and had prescription sunglasses since I was 20. For decades I've been switching my glasses out the front of shops and other buildings as I move from outside to inside.

Only in the last couple of years have I needed transition lenses—lenses that allow me to read while I'm wearing my glasses. Now, it seems, I actually need reading glasses. I can read without them, but my eyes tire quickly. Even reading a book on my lap for a longer period with my transition lenses is hard, as there is only a small area where the print is completely clear.

For work on the computer, reading in bed, and for reading music, I use the ones on the left. The middle ones are my all-range glasses. Distance on top and reading on the bottom. The sunglasses lenses really need updating, they are for distance, but an old prescription. I can't read with them on, which is a pain when reading a map while in the car or my phone in bright sunshine.

I must say that I'm really enjoying the reading glasses. They make working on the computer and reading in bed a much better experience! Especially reading in bed. The frames are very thin and perfect for lying on my side on a pillow. Not as perfect as reading without glasses at all, but as close as you can get using glasses.

But it is a new challenge to change glasses when I change from working at the computer to doing other things. Turning away from the computer to look at someone across the room isn't great with reading glasses on. I understand the challenge that I've seen preachers deal with: reading their sermon with glasses on and having to take them off to look at the congregation. I haven't lost them yet, but I suspect that's probably in the works (and no, I'm not keen at all to hang them around my neck).

I've not really felt really "young" for quite some time now, but this really is a measurable step away from youth. There's quiet grief that underlies that—that I'm irreversibly moving away from a body that works as well as it was made to work. I guess, one of the blessings of older age (apart from growing in wisdom) could be that it is easier to be less attached to life here on this imperfect earth with an increasingly broken body? Easier to long for a perfect heaven with a perfect body?

This is a follow-up post from Dec 28, when I'd had the middle pair only a few days. This was my very first foray personally into the Japanese glasses scene. I'm definitely more used to my Japanese-transition glasses than I was, but they aren't yet 100% intuitive.

The challenge of new glasses

I really like my new frames, but wow, the new lenses
 are taking some adjusting to, and I don't know why.

I took the plunge a couple of weeks ago and went to a Japanese optometrist (with my husband for linguistic support). This is something I've been avoiding for . . . well 17 years (by doing it in Australia when we were there). But it was unavoidable this time, I was struggling with blurred distance vision. Plus I've had a lot of headaches. There are many possible triggers for my headaches, but I thought my glasses could be one, so I set out to eliminate that.

I've heard all sorts of things about the Japanese optometry world and not all of them good. But, I thought, it can't be that bad, can it? After all there are a lot of Japanese people with glasses!

Part of my concern is that for the last 2 ½ years I've been wearing transition lenses, the new form of trifocals! The idea being that for close vision you view through the bottom of the glasses and distance the top, with middle distance somewhere in the middle, but with no hard line between these different parts of the lens. They've been brilliant and didn't take much time to adjust to. When I got them I had made it to the stage where I had to take my glasses off to read, which is really annoying. My sunglasses are still that way, so I can't read a map or my phone with them on. I wasn't sure that Japan had transition lenses, but it turns out they do.

Another of my problems with using glasses for reading is that my favourite recreational reading place is on my side in bed. I deliberately got thin frames this time for side-reading comfort (my previous frames had thick arms which hurt my ear and head sandwiched between my head and the pillow). But it turns out that the ideal place to read through these lenses is a bit narrow and when I lie down the glasses get knocked to the side making it hard to read.

Sorry, I'm whinging here.

My hopes are pinned a little on the pair of reading/computer lenses that I've also ordered (recycling old frames). Apparently they will have a larger area for reading and the top will work for the long hours of computer work that I often put in. We'll see. They can be collected early next week.

Oh, have you ever tried putting on ear muffs with glasses on? It can be tricky! I've had a tricky time with my ear muffs this week pushing my glasses up off my nose, which means I'm looking through the bottom half of my glasses and not exactly road-worthy on my bike! And believe me, ear muffs are vital riding in sub 10C weather (if you have a helmet on), ears are quite vulnerable.

Ah, the challenges of middle age. I now understand why everyone in the "senior choir" at the church I grew up in had their own music and couldn't share. It was because most of them wore bifocals and had to have the music at a specific place in order to see it.

I do like my new frames—they are delicate and comfortable on my face. They've also got a cool design on the arms and the inside of the arms is teal, one of my favourite colours. I just hope that I get used to the lenses soon.

A question of ageing

I did it again today: I had to do maths to figure out which number in my 40s belongs to me right now! This is something that younger people find hard to believe, but it does happen. Yes, I'm middle aged now! No denying that.

So young! In my mid-20s.

I was talking to a married friend recently who is also in her 40s, but a couple of years behind me. She told me that she'd been troubled on her birthday this year. She raised a question I hadn't thought specifically about before: 

How should we approach our mid-life in a godly way? What are good thought patterns in the face of the realisation that our bodies are ageing (though by no means old) and that we are no longer young?

There is a grief inherent, even in your 40s, about not being young anymore and the relentlessness of ageing.

Of course I've thought about the fact that I'm not young anymore. But when married women talk about this stage of life, we tend to talk about—grief about not having young children anymore, grief at children moving out of home, learning to cope with couple-dom again, coping with young children even though you are older, menopause, ageing parents, busyness of life, the physical changes that come, mentoring/coaching younger women, childless-ness, mid-life crisis, raising teenagers, etc.

But not about how to think about ageing, or how to approach it in a godly way.

I did some quick online searching and there's stuff about the above topics too, but I struggled to find anything (quickly) on this topic.

I have some half-formed thoughts, but I know that there are quite a few of you out there who read this who are a similar age, or older. And so I'm putting this out there for you to contribute your thoughts. Have you got a good book recommendation? What has helped you as you've moved into your 40s or 50s? What advice can you give?

And please, I know that women who are older than us will be tempted to say, "But you aren't old..." Please don't. We know we aren't as old as you. We're just trying to make sense of where we are and that where you are, we will be some day soon.

Ageing Japan

The problem of Japan's ageing and shrinking population is a hot topic in Japan. This CBN video (and article) is one of the English-language reports I've seen on the topic.* 

Here's a statistic for you: Japan's population has shrunk by one million in the last seven years! 25% of the population is now over 65 years of age. This is compounded by many Japanese people choosing not to be in relationships or have children.

What interests me even more about this is that at about 4 minutes in to the video our church and pastor here are featured (video footage of church as well as short segments of interviews with our pastor and one elderly couple in the congregation). 

I'm just starting to work on the next issue of the Japan Harvest magazine and our theme is "Silver Society". Looking at ministry with the older members of Japanese society. I'm looking forward to reading about what people are doing out there to reach that 25% of the nation.


*It's seven minutes long.

"Darby and Joan"

I used this phrase in American company the other day and came up with a blank. Is it only a U.K. origin thing? This webpage seems to indicate so.

For any who don't know this phrase, it means a devoted old couple leading a contented, if a somewhat boring life.

Taken 10 years ago. A long way from being
"Darby and Joan" yet.

Generally I've heard it used in a slightly negative, yet perhaps nostalgic fashion about oneself. "Ah, look at us, Darby and Joan." According to Wikipedia, Ruth Rendell wrote this in The Best Man to Die (1981), "My father called my mother darling once or twice and there was a kind of Darby and Joan air about them." I found a lovely blog post by an Australian here, using the phrase in the way I'd use it (it also includes the words of a song called "Darby and Joan".

As I looked it up online, I was surprised at how many literary and musical references there are. Here are some other uses of the phrase:

• There is a website of this name: http://www.darbyandjoanvintage.co.uk/ It's devoted to vintage china and accessories.
• And the Darby and Joan organisation: http://www.darbyandjoan.org Established more than 60 years ago. They care for elderly in their district in England.
• Darby and Joan Ltd. is on Facebook. They are event (presumably vintage events) planners in Derbyshire.
• A painting by an Australian in the 1800s is called Darby and Joan. 
• Would you believe I found a Darby and Joan Cabernet and Chardonnay from Australia.
• And finally, a quaint video clip about the opening of the Darby and Joan club in 1942 in Streatham, London.

So, tell us, where has this phrase ended up? Have some Americans heard of it?

"To decorate the ending with beauty"

Here's another Japanese idiom.

"Yuushuu no Bi o Kazaru"

有終の美を飾る

This one means to achieve something great just before the end [of one's career].

I'm thinking of this one particularly as we follow the cricket this weekend. The South African team is touring Australia. 

The teams are playing their third five-day match at present. It hasn't been a terribly successful tour so far. Neither team has won a match yet: two draws. For people who don't understand cricket, it seems strange for two teams of 12 people to play each other for five days and not have a result, but that is one of the idiosyncrasies of the game that I'm certainly not going to be able to explain in a short blog post.

In international team sports, there are always other smaller dramas going on on the sidelines. At the moment, Australians are watching the former captain of the Australian team. He's had a long and lustrous career. His perseverance is admirable: he declined to quit playing for his country even after he lost the captains hat. However, most people now probably feel he's persevered too long. 

He's made appalling scores this season. And now he's decided to retire after this current match. It would be nice to see him finish his career with something great, rather than dribble into obscurity. He's had one chance to bat this match, and failed to make any significant runs. That gives him one more chance.

Can you think of a time when you really hoped someone would be able to "decorate the ending with beauty"?

Sourced from 101 Japanese Idioms, by Michael L. Maynard and Senko K. Maynard.

On feeling older rather than younger

Today I felt a little bit older. Or perhaps, the reality of my age hit home just a bit stronger. No, it wasn't my birthday. Perhaps a flow-on effect from having my husband (who is not much older than me) turn 40 last week?

Two of my sons, one running, the other cheering!

This morning we arose early, 5.30! By about 6.40 we were in the CAJ car park (US=parking lot). Our 12 y.o. had another cross-country meet at that same amazing US Base Recreation Area. This time, however, I was a driver. My husband had been requisitioned into driving one of the school vans, leaving our van with me. Thankfully I could follow him (it is so easy to get lost in Japanese cities). What made me feel old wasn't the five middle-school and younger boys in the back. It was the Year 12 girl in the seat next to me. 

She'd just returned from the high school's School Without Walls week, where the Year 12s and 10s visited tsunami devastated areas and helped with the ongoing clean-up. (The principal wrote a post here about what they achieved. I hope the link works, it is a Facebook note.) So she was pretty tired, which made two of us. So, we didn't have much conversation during the more-than-an-hour we spent sitting side-by-side.

This gave me plenty of time to reflect on how long it is since I was her age. Plenty of time to realise that I probably have more in common with her mother than I do her. Her mum teaches at CAJ, like my husband. She has four boys; all at CAJ and all younger than my passenger. Many memories of my Year 12 are still quite clear in my mind, so in some ways I don't feel much older than her. But in reality, a lot of water has gone under the bridge since then.

All of this reflecting was compounded by watching these young people run energetically around this challenging course. Something I once could do (but have no desire to pick up again, never really did like long-distance running).

Add to that another young lady (this one nine years old) who confronted me with this question,

"What was different when you were growing up?"

After I clarified what she was looking for, I answered,

"No widespread computer use-age and even when I did get a second-hand one in my house it was a clunker that you had to type programming language into to get it to do anything. None of this, 'Click here' technology and no internet."

"Also we had no videos, so if you missed a programme, you missed it. No mobile phones. . . "

"NO MOBILE PHONES???" she shrieked.

"Yes, really, no mobile phones. My dad owned an electrical business and my mum used a two-way radio to communicate with him when he was out on the job."

Shocking, isn't it, how much has changed in my short life. And that is just touching the surface! This photo was circulating on Facebook recently (I tested the question out on my 12 y.o. and he didn't know, but then neither did my husband first figure it our either!). The picture reminded me that I only bought my first CDs in 1995! Now we have no tapes left in our house as our last tape recorder died last year.

So, maybe I am a little older than I think I am. I certainly don't recover from ________ (fill in the blank) as fast as I used to!

But hang on, I'm not that old, not really . . .

Alas, the dilemma continues.