Tears

As I've met up with various friends over the last few months, I continue to be encouraged by people saying they really like my blog because I'm honest and open, we don't have a photoshopped life displayed here. That's what I aim to do, so I'm glad that that's the way it comes across and that it's attractive (not just dirty washing hanging out).

But now I feel the challenge to continue with the honesty, even now that it makes me feel a bit vulnerable.

Last night I cried at a school awards ceremony. That doesn't sound so bad, does it?

I sat in the auditorium on my own and typed this:

Feeling alone in a crowd. Waiting for the yr 4 & 5 awards night to begin. Because we also have to go to the yr 6 & 7 awards tomorrow night we've split up parenting duties rather than drag everyone out both nights. It's tines like these that I remember we're (almost) strangers at this school.

I cried when they began with the National Anthem. We were sitting in a ¾ full lecture theatre and people sang well. The joy that filled my overflowed in tears. (For those who aren't Australian, it is a rare event where the Australian public sing the national anthem, unfortunately.)

Then I cried at the end when they showed a slideshow with photos from the school year. It's hard to express how that caused me to be upset, but I think it was that so many of the events the photos depicted, my son couldn't be in because we weren't even in the country yet. That doesn't sound like worth being upset about now that I type it out, but it got me last night.

Perhaps it was born of feeling lonely at that time, in this land where I'm supposed to fit? Perhaps it was an accumulation of things, trying to be brave and cope with all the challenges of moving countries, yet having so many friendships (ours and our kids) that are interrupted by our lifestyle. Or maybe just a touch of hormonal instability?

Nevertheless, I want you to know that I don't always have it together. I tend to downplay the challenges of this life at times, but it isn't easy. I don't regret following God's calling on our lives. He's blessed us in so many ways that would be harder to see if we lived lives more geographically rooted in one place. But I don't want to pretend that it is always a cinch. It does hurt and it does get lonely.


I also wrote about this emotional struggle a couple of weeks ago here.