Eye contact

I've been rereading "How to Really Love you Child" by D. Ross Campbell. It is encouraging to read that he admits it is clear in research that some children are easier to raise than others. Yay! We knew that, but it is nice to have it confirmed.

We often struggle with parenting one of our kids, particularly. When we had an especially bad patch last year I talked with a wise friend who wondered, out loud, if he wasn't feeling loved. That's a hard thing to hear or think about as a parent. It's taken me till now to think about revisiting the issue. 

One thing has stood out to me so far in the book: eye contact. I don't think we've been doing a good job at giving him good eye contact.

If I take a step back for a minute and consider the context we're living in, it isn't so surprising that we may have gotten slack on eye contact (although, admittedly, we may have not ever been good at it). In Japan (and probably most of Asia), eye contact is done differently. Direct eye contact is generally avoided. In adjusting to the culture, we've moved away from eye contact too.

Holding the gaze of another person is considered rude. The Japanese usually focus on a person’s neck or tie knot.

In Western cultures, we are taught to look people in the eyes at all times; averting the eyes often signifies a lack of sincerity or confidence. In Japan, constant eye contact is considered rude or even aggressive. (From here.)

It is something that Australians notice, though probably not many can put their finger on what makes us appear different. One lady said to us at the end of our home assignment last time,

"When you first came to our church you used to sit over there in the corner and avoid looking at anyone. You've gradually changed to be more Australian in the year and now you're almost normal." She added, "It's a pity you're going back to Japan now!"

This New York author makes some very good points.

In the book The Inscrutable Japanese, by Kagawa Hiroshi (Kodansha Bilingual, 1997), the author notes that if Japanese children, when scolded, look their parents in the eye, they will be further reproached, “Why are you looking at me that way?” In contrast, if an American child looks down or away when chastised, he or she will most likely be ordered to “Look at me when I’m talking to you!” Kagawa goes on to speculate about the possible reasons for this difference in behavior, such as Japan’s feudal class system in which commoners could be struck down by samurai for making eye contact.

And also tells some good stories of how odd it is for we Westerns who've adjusted somewhat to living in Japan when we return home, and how odd we must look to the "natives" there:

While I was on vacation in the US, however, I noticed right away that people were looking directly at me. I transferred planes in Detroit airport, and I cannot tell you how many times I mistakenly thought that passersby were about to speak to me. It was truly strange to experience so many people making direct eye contact like that—and I must have looked even stranger, being that I kept smiling, nodding, and even bowing to them! I was a bit dazed from the flight, having not been able to sleep at all on the way over, and when I almost bumped into an enormous man exiting the men’s room, I bowed, looked at the ground, and said, “sumimasen.” He looked at me as if I were insane! Rightly so, I suppose.  

But back to our parenting. I've only been consciously seeking eye contact for the last two days with my boys, and especially the most challenging-to-parent one. We'll see if it makes a lasting impact on his behaviour. I know that that isn't the only thing I need to do to help him feel my love, but it is one small thing that isn't really that hard to do, if I think about it. Just being conscious of it is a big step forward, especially for parents who've tried our best to fit into Japanese society.

It does leave me with one question, though. If eye contact is so important to showing love to Western kids, is that a universal rule? How do Asian parents show their kids they love them?

Japan Photo Question #24

Some of you out there love these Japan Photo Questions, so here's another one. What do you think this is?

I don't think there needs to be any restriction on who answers this one. It is doubtful to me that many people in Japan know what it is.

I'll post the answer in a couple of days.

Pondering my purpose

Today is the sort of day that I question my purpose. What am I here for? What is the point of my days? Yeah, I know, sounds very depressing, quite the naval-gazer! But really, I'm not depressed, just on the reflective side of things, the way you can get when you don't have all your time taken up with the urgent and "important" things of life.

In the last few days my purpose was mostly to relax and to keep the boys in a balanced place.

Today they all left for school and that left me in a quiet house. My location didn't change, but what I could do in that location changed. It was "back to work". But I've also got a cold, and couldn't do as much as I wanted to (including going to meet a long-time Japanese friend). So, what's my purpose? What if I couldn't do "important" things? Does that mean that my life wouldn't have purpose? When I get philosophical about it I can see that it isn't the things I do that make my life purposeful, but in the midst of the usual busyness of life, it isn't so easy to see that.

Then, as I did some New Year cleaning out of my inbox, I found this short Max Lucado devotion. If I'm truly honest I'd say that a lot of my "working" is to please. However this little devotional reminded me that for the One who truly matters, I cannot please Him any more. I cannot make Him love me any more than He currently does. He loves me and that is the end of the matter.

So, even if I can't "do" anything much, my purpose is to live as one who's loved by God. And that could take me a lifetime to figure out how to do!

This year I'm reflecting on this text that was given to me at our New Year's Eve party:

Deuteronomy 6:5
Love the LORD your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength.

It is something I sang as a Sunday Schooler, and have "known" all my life. It's a small challenge that I've given myself this year, to ponder and try to work on doing it. So today, I'm pondering the connections between being loved unconditionally, and having my purpose as loving God with all my heart, soul and strength. How does that work out in daily, practical, busy life? Interesting thoughts.

Busier or not so busy?

Tomorrow my husband and boys all go back to school after three weeks off. It will take a little adjusting to again. My pastor said to me this morning that then I'll be able to rest! Which is sort-of true and sort-of not. The older they get the easier it is to rest when they are around.

This is the puzzle we're trying to do right now in the last
hours of our holidays. It's really hard!

Less busy
We've enjoyed wonderful sleep-ins. Yesterday we were eating breakfast at around 10am! And now that they can all read, we've had good "SQUIRT" times after lunch most days for at least an hour.

In fact we've been so lazy that a number of projects that I'd thought about doing have just not even been started (organising photos and scrapbook of our Uluru trip; small sewing projects; starting a larger cross-stitch project, etc.).

Busier
But in a sense they do make us busier when they're home. They all seem to eat more, for example. Five "meals" a day on the table! Including morning and afternoon tea. Thankfully we've had them all helping out with various chores around the house, more so than usual, so I haven't been washing up as much as I usually do on holidays.

In accordance with our EF philosophy of parenting boys, we try to get them out for exercise each day. That isn't always that fun in winter, but once we get moving it isn't as painful as it is on the hot summer days. And at least you don't have to put sunscreen and insect repellant on each time!

I find I'm enjoying the boys now they're older. I'm wondering if I'll enjoy the next 10 years of parenting more than the last 10 years. As they get older parenting is generally less physically demanding (except that it takes more to wear them out), however it is more emotionally demanding.

Less busy
We've both put most work things on hold, so that means we've been less busy. I've had less stress headaches over the break (except for these last couple of days while I've been battling a cold).

Still a bit busy
I have still been answering queries from OMF Japan website, and I've had some curly ones! People have more time to think at this time of year, I guess!

Back to busy tomorrow
But from tomorrow it is back to the usual busy. Getting up at 6, before the sun and in the cold (though, it was -1.5 C at 8 a.m. today) Then everyone off to school before 8.30 and I'm on my own again for seven hours. Enough time to restock the larder and dig back into my magazine editing work, and try to figure out where I'm up to before the rest of the week rushes upon me (a day of prayer on Tuesday, meetings on Wednesday, Bible study Thursday afternoon etc.).

The good part about them being at school is that it is easier for me to get to writing here (which I miss when they're at home). It is also easier to get to the gym (to work off the excesses of the season), so I'm looking forward to that.

Some eye-opening links about Japan

There have been some good links about Japan out in the cyberworld recently. Below are some interesting  places to go and look at.

Some photos of how Japanese people saw in the New Year.

The scary admission that Japanese police rely heavily on confessions, not evidence. Hence there are probably more innocent people behind bars in Japan than in some other countries.

Captions of these photos tell more of the true story of Japan than the photos. People sleeping in internet cafes, laundromats and train platforms, family members who've lost loved ones from suicide due to over-work etc. These aren't images that the world generally associates with the formerly booming Japan.

And here is a longer one about the problems Japan is facing with its growing aged population and shrinking working population.

But now I must get on my bike and do some more grocery shopping for my hungry household of boys.

Looking forward to 2013

A few days late, but still relevant. Here's not so much my new year resolutions. I've never really been into that, I feel, "if you want to do something new in your life, just do it--don't wait till January".

But this is what I'm thinking will be coming up in 2013, or what I hope/plan to do.

• I pass a significant age milestone this year, yeah 21 again!
• OMF Japan National Conference in Hokkaido.
• We're planning a camping trip to the island of Hokkaido in June/July (after conference). This is a big project, and something we're really looking forward to. Hokkaido in summer is more like home than any other part of Japan that we know.
• Organising two writing workshops this year: in Sendai and Tokyo.
• A missionary women's retreat in March.
• My eldest starts high school (Grade 9 in the American system).

But actually I can't think of too much more that's different to 2012. A boring year? Not likely! But perhaps not extraordinarily different. Our family is settled and my work is fairly settled too — mostly it is in a refining the processes stage.

Writing? I don't know what will happen with my writing this year and I'm not too keen to set goals that perhaps are unattainable, considering how busy I found the last 12 months with editing the magazine. I'll try to write as I find time and as opportunities arise. But I do already have my first published article for the year coming out on the 17th of this month (more about that later).

So, I guess I wait and find out what surprises await me in 2013.

The really scary thing happens next year. 2014 marks the end of our third four-year term in Japan! And is the year we go on home assignment for 12 months. This is huge, and only 18 months away!

New Year's Eve and New Year's Day

We've had the best NYE and NY Day that I can remember. Often I end up forcing myself to stay up "just because" and feel like I'm just going through the motions. Then New Year's Day is just another day on the calendar. A bit dull, I know, but it is often not the most exciting day on my calendar. Probably because I'm too tired to appreciate it.

This year was a bit different, however. We headed over to OMF Japan Headquarters to the annual NYE party. With major hand-over of leadership in the last six month, we've been enjoying some different perspectives on the way things are done. This NYE party had a distinctive European flavour. Many at the party spoke German or Swiss German better than English. When we split up into preferred language groups for a reflective activity, we had German, English, and German.

Despite the language barriers (most spoke some English, though several spoke only Japanese or German), we managed to have an enjoyable, yet meaningful evening that didn't drag. We had time for food, fun, reflection, worship, sharing, and prayer. We watched "The Voyage of the Dawn Treader" for the last two hours, stopping just towards the end to "pray the New Year in".

The reflective activity involved drawing things that stood out about 2012 and then talking in a small group about it. Though we did it separately, our whole family included the motorhome trip in our remembering. That trip was memorable, just as we imagined it would be!

I didn't get to sleep till about 2pm. I had trouble winding down at the end (this person who rarely makes it to midnight in an upright position and never did an all-nighter as a student).

Our first meal in 2013 was together with other missionaries who'd stayed the night at the Guest Home at JHQ. It gave the evening before a lovely conclusion, rather than everyone drifting off in their own direction.

Then, late in the morning (but not long after breakfast), we headed off for a very Japanese experience. A super-sento (see photos here)—a traditional Japanese bath, but much larger (here's a nice explanation of a Japanese public bath), with 38 different pools.

Inside the "shopping" area. Not a great

photo, but it was done up to look "old-world",

Japanese style.

I enjoyed being able to be with my husband (not so much the boys). This is unusual for a Japanese bath, usually sexes are segregated, and thankfully so. At this facility, however, there is mixed outside swimsuit area. Kind-of a combination between swimming pool and a Japanese bath. It looked like a rock garden, with shallow pools, nothing deep that you would swim in.

It was a relief to find other families there with kids who couldn't sit still, just like ours. These are places where Japanese go to relax, to have a mini holiday. The idea of our boys sitting quietly and relaxing is laughable, and we tend to feel we're causing problems for others when we go, so it isn't necessarily a relaxing experience for us.

Another reason we don't go often to Japanese baths is because David gets a bit of a raw deal. He has to have all the boys in the men's locker rooms. I get the easy deal! I get a relaxing bath, he gets the stress of active boys disturbing the peace of a Japanese onsen.

Relaxing, that's what it's all about.
Massage chairs, real masseurs,
relaxation room (that looked
like a huge first-class section
of an aeroplane with lying down seats,
blankets, and individual screens, etc.

But back to the outside baths. Yes, we were sitting naked or nearly naked outside in sub 10 degree temperatures! The water was generally around 40 degrees C and very pleasant, but standing up to move to another bath (and there were 38 throughout the entire complex) was a chilling experience. Still, it was quite something to sit and gaze up at the blue sky and enjoy total warmth in the middle of winter.

The whole experience was more than just a bath, though. When you entered, they gave you "room clothes" a simple kimono with 3/4 pants plus a locker key and two towels. You take your things to the locker and change into the "room clothes". The locker key had a bar code on it that allows you to purchase anything without money (a bit scary when you realise the boys had bar codes too). When you left they read the bar codes and charged us for our expenses.

So, when we were hungry, we went into the locker rooms and changed into our room clothes and met in the main shopping area and chose some food. After sufficient sustenance, we headed back to the outdoor mixed bathing area.

Collagen-infused bath.

Before we left from the treck back across town to our house we all had a proper bath in the segregated section (which also had many different baths, inside as well as outside).

I tried out a pink bath and asked the lady next to me what karaagen was (that was the label on the bath), she had trouble explaining. Later learned it is how they spell "Collagen"! She must have thought I was a bit stupid. But then, if someone asked me to explain what collagen was, I think I might have trouble explaining too.

We came away feeling pretty relaxed, despite the boys. Although they were a little more relaxed too, probably due to the lack of sleep the night before plus lots of warm water bathing. A lethal combination, but we managed to drive home without the driver falling asleep.

This explanation may be a bit confusing to you. It is something that needs to be experienced to truly understand. Usually I enjoy a Japanese bath these days (it took me a few years to get there), but I'm also very aware that my fluorescent white skin is all the more exposed when I'm without clothes, my different-ness is even more pronounced. Some people don't find that a bother, but I'd rather blend in with the crowd and be quietly different rather than in-your-face different. I also find it hard to totally relax while totally naked with others! I therefore enjoyed the mixed bathing section of this onsen. It was easier to relax when I was with my husband and decently covered up.

Can you spy Mt Fuji in the distance?

On the way home we were treated to a cityscape sunset. It was beautiful with the sun setting behind Mt Fuji and the new Sky Tree. Not as breathtaking as an outback sunset, but still enjoyable. As we were on an expressway, the only photos I got were from a speeding vehicle, still, they aren't bad.

Altogether it was a lovely 28 hours. A thoroughly enjoyable way to bring in the New Year.

One of the pieces of advice an American missionary to Australia gave us back in 2000 when we were preparing to leave for Japan has stuck with us: make sure you find things to enjoy that you wouldn't be able to do if you were in Australia. It is one way to counter homesickness. It's been good advice, and the last couple of days were good examples of how well it works.