Don't compare, it cripples

Our conference photo: about 120 adults, 70 kids, plus childcare workers.
We're the largest mission in Japan and when we all get together
it is quite a sight.

A great temptation at missionary conferences is to compare. This is the one time you get together with others in the world who are most like you, it is the one place in the world where you seem most ordinary. And it is a place where it is very tempting to compare yourself to others.

It was refreshing to share one lunch with two couples: one who's been around longer than us and the other who are newbies. The advice from the former to the latter was: "No comparison." It was good to hear again. It's something we need to regularly remind ourselves of because otherwise we slip into saying things like this (either to ourselves, or aloud):

• My Japanese is awful.
• I'm a second-class missionary.
• I wish I had better evangelistic skills.
• There's been no fruit in my ministry for ages.
• If only I had gifts like so-and-so I'd be okay.
• What am I going to write in my prayer letter this month? It's still the same-old-same-old, not like so-and-so who's had three baptisms in the last three months.
• Just look at that missionary family, they seem to have it all together, their kids are bilingual and they're all so talented.

And so on. The temptation to compare is huge. Usually we put ourselves down, but pride can be an issue too.

I know that missionaries aren't immune to this. Last week I came across a excellent blog post from a writer's perspective about comparison. It's very relevant to whoever you are, I recommend you read it if you struggle in this area (and I'm betting it's most of us).

I need not feel threatened by the achievements of others. When I do feel threatened I am not able to encourage or build up others. I am in self-preservation mode and lose sight of the big picture. I am more likely to miss loving God and loving my neighbour the way God wants me to. 

Jenny Glazebrook, from linked blog post.

Dealing with criticism of something you've created

I've been neck deep in editing for a couple of months now. 

This week we mailed out the summer issue of Japan Harvest, the magazine I manage, the last issue that was largely put together in my absence in Australia. 

This week we finished editing the articles for the autumn issue and the designers are now working on it. 

This week I began receiving articles for the winter issue. Today I've been allocating the various tasks required for each article to various team members.

It's keeping my brain limber!

Finishing off articles includes checking with the author that they're happy with our edits. 97% of the time people are, or have only minor issues. 3% of the time (I'm guessing the percentages, by the way) someone has major issue with what we've done.

This week I had someone in that latter category. Thankfully he acted graciously and didn't take it personally, even though he felt as though we'd over-edited and taking his voice out of the article. That is precisely why I make a point of checking with authors (not every magazine does), because I've had this done to me and it isn't nice.

But it isn't easy to deal with criticism of your writing. It is something you get used to and even come to appreciate (as long as you don't come across an editor that isn't professional and fair). Here is a helpful blog post that gives some pointers about dealing with criticism of your writing. And a quote from the post:

It’s important to remember one truth: Your editor wants you to write something their readers will love.

Handling criticism

Especially handling criticism of your writing.

A few weeks back a former colleague wrote to me, criticising my writing, especially my blog writing (not just a grammar mistake, but something far more serious).

Now I'm not looking for your sympathy or reassurances by telling you this, nor am I going to reveal what it is that she said. However, I do want to think about how to handle such situations. Because they happen. To anyone. You don't have to be a writer, you could be a musician or run a kids club or organise a party. Whenever other people see something that you've done, you are open to criticism.

I don't like conflict. One of the things I dislike about parenting is the conflict it brings into our home. But dealing with the criticism of things I do for other adults is hard. However, a few years of magazine editing and being in a supportive writing critique group has toughened me up a bit. It's also given me a few strategies.

When the above situation happened, it was the usual crazy, after-school time in our house. So I didn't have much room for self-pity or dwelling on the situation. 

As I read her message I felt a rush of adrenaline and my first desire was to defend myself and my writing. My second was to go back and edit the post I'd uploaded that day. I acted on the second desire.

Then, I messaged the lady back and asked a clarifying question (admittedly there was a little defence going on too). She urged me to read back over my blog and see if what she said was true. So, as time permitted that afternoon, I did. I couldn't see what she was seeing and I told her so, in as pleasant a manner as I could. 

But I also asked two other friends who often read my blog to check it too. I felt I could rely on them to be honest with me. Because she'd suggested that something had appeared in my writing that I didn't want there. So I'd moved on from a purely defensive mode, to an analytical mode. I wanted to take anything I could of value from this feedback.

That's the place you want to get to when you are criticised. You want to be able to pull back enough to analyse the situation and see if anything is true about what's been said. It is good to get other people's perspectives too. If you can ask someone who's willing to be gentle, yet honest to give you feedback then that is by far the best option.

At the end of the interaction with my former colleague, I thanked her for getting me to check on this particular aspect of my writing. I didn't agree with her, but I was gracious about it (not easy, I know, this was easier because it wasn't in person). She was gracious in return. I'm grateful for that.

Here are a couple of other articles about handling criticism. Both relate to writing, but I think there are things to learn for all of us.
How to handle criticism of your writing.
How should writers and editors work together?

How have you handled criticism of things you've created or done? Can you give us some other tips for handling criticism?

Here's a post I wrote three years ago about this topic: Not taking offence, rather grow.

Troubled

I've been naive. I didn't guess that being a magazine editor could stir up so much trouble. I had plenty in the early days: particularly from writers who didn't like the status quo being changed. But I believed that most of the worst trouble was behind me.

Wrong. Just this last week I've received several troubling emails from two missionaries. Both have taken my well meaning words and twisted them, getting themselves in knots about my apparent ill will towards them and the magazine. 

It occasionally makes me want to chuck the job in. I hate conflict. I particularly hate it when people get all insecure and spew out anger at me because they feel threatened or I don't give them enough adulation. I also hate it when people, who don't understand my job think they do, not just criticise but (try to) boss me around. 

Grrr. 

As I was pondering the latest of these attacks, I began to prepare dinner last night. Over my sink is a little collection of Bible verses that I rotate through the verse up at the moment is 

"Cast all your cares on Him [Christ] because he cares for you." 1 Peter 5:7 NIV

 Oh. You know what? When you're stewing over a problem, that is the hardest thing: to cast the anxiety away onto Christ! I've been trying. But it is hard.

Neither of these missionaries are going away any time soon. You'll be sure that, in addition to trying to cast my cares on Christ, I'll also be praying that these men's attitudes toward me changes.

Charlie Brown, get out of my head

Today we had parent-teacher interviews. 2 1/2 hours of them. I don't think I learnt too much I didn't already know or suspected, but it was good to go face to face with the teachers. However, now I feel a bit overstimulated. 

Plus I have had a bit of an issue come up this week with an editorial decision I had a large part in with the magazine that came out last week. Someone has objected strongly to the decision and as an editorial team we're talking about it. I don't like conflict and no one enjoys being criticised, especially over a highly visible decision that many people are holding in their hands. 

So, I'm just feeling the need to chill out a little this afternoon.

I thought I'd share the song that my 7 y.o. has been learning on the piano recently. A song that I'm not conscious of hearing before, but probably I have. For a fairly laid-back song, it has stuck in my brain. See what you think:

Charlie Brown theme song by Vince Guaraldi

While looking for it, though, I found this Peanuts theme by the Piano Guys that made me cry. I've worked  with elderly people in a number of different settings, and this is such a precious little video. How much joy music can bring! It's truly a gift from God.

Be Strong and Courageous

I really like this post I found the other day. Talking about how if God has given us a vision, we don't need to be deterred by the critics around us.

That's a really hard thing to do. I don't know how many people over the years have tried to get us to question our vision for serving or continue to serve in Japan. It comes in many forms, from

"Are you sure, you've never been to Japan."

to

"But now you're pregnant, does that change your plans?" (our first son was born during our preparation to go to Japan)

to the more brutal

"You need to choose between us and them." 'Us' being a supporting church and 'them' being OMF International.

Then the ones that came later (and continue to come) after serving in Japan for some time

"How long are you going to keep doing this?" 

"When are you going to settle down?" 

"Do you see yourselves coming back to Australia permanently some time?"

We didn't personally receive criticism for remaining in Japan last year after the earthquake and nuclear crisis. But many of our colleagues did, and it was very hard for them to defy their well-meaning critics to do what God has called them to do.

How have you defied the critics and  followed God's leading in your life?

Look at your missionary with a critical eye?

Recently I read a blog post  by a former missionary-in-Japan about judging. About the areas about which people tend to judge missionaries:

"How we spend our time, how we spend our money, and how we raise our children." 

It does help to explain why missionaries are often very careful about what they disclose in prayer letters (like talking about holidays).

You can read it here. She talks about what unconscious assumptions we might have, but also gives some helpful, Biblical ways to respond to our critical hearts. It is both a challenging and helpful post. 

Not taking offence, rather grow

Yesterday I saw a great post about dealing with criticism of your writing. Actually, part of it is applicable to dealing with criticism about anything you do (as opposed to criticism about who you are).

Part of my job is criticising people's writing. That comes with considerable risk to me as the editor, particularly when I have little or no relationship with that person. It is very easy for them to take offence at my criticisms. So I'm usually fairly gentle in my approach, and never say things like, "This is rubbish."

This little post helps to debunk the mistaken belief that if something you do if criticised, then the critic is actually saying that you are no good as a person.

I might even save this article for future reference. Actually it would be a good thing to have a future Writer's Workshops that I'll do . . .