Negotiating with my teen

Next week my oldest graduates from being a teenager! He no longer lives under my roof, but nonetheless I'll no longer be able to say that I'm the mother of three teenagers! It's interesting to look at the blog post I wrote the week he turned thirteen. I wrote: 

I don't know what is ahead, but the last 13 years of parenting haven't been a breeze. I doubt that the next seven are going to be either. I guess the only way forward is how I've made it through the last 13 years — by God's grace and with lots of prayer.

That was very much the case! 

So I'm seven years into being the mother of teens and I can't say it's gotten easier. Of course each child is different in the level of difficulties you face and the areas in which you face those difficulties. Additionally, our family looks different now than it did seven years ago. So the context within which we parent our younger two is different too. 

It's hard to give specifics to make this actually a readable post, without embarrassing boys. However I'm going to give it a go.

Negotiating about household jobs

Our boys have long been expected to do jobs around the house. We've had a long and steady routine of do-the-same-job for some time, due to some personalities in the house that don't like chopping and changing. They've done breakfast wash-ups in middle school (grades 6-8) and hung up washing to dry in high school (grades 9-12). Both jobs were done in the mornings and timeliness was important if they were to get themselves to school on time (remembering that they walk to school independently, but it's only a 300m walk). 

We've had difficulties with all of them at times, getting these jobs done, and had to implement consequences. But with one of the two still at home, we hit a brick wall recently. It was causing lots of stress, conflict, and generally making life together miserable.

In the end we decided something needed to change. I ammended a list of household jobs that I'd typed up a few years back and printed it out again. This is a list of jobs that regularly get done in our house to keep things running smoothly and people happy. I split the list into things that each family member does as well as listed the things that we are all responsible for (eg. getting enough sleep, personal hygiene, manage our personal items, strip beds and remake them). At the top of the list is this explanation:

Listed below are jobs done for the benefit of the whole family. Other jobs we do are self-care or care for our environment, these are the responsibility of each family member for themselves. The purpose of teaching you how to do these jobs is to help you learn how to take care of yourself and your living environment when you move out of home. Sharing these jobs also helps to share the load of caring for four people.

At an opportune moment I presented this 1.5 page list to the relevant boy and suggested that he pick some other jobs that would be equivalent in time to the job that he was struggling with.

Stacks of beautifully folded clothes!

He responded really well and chose four other jobs, the most significant of which is folding the washing. We're still on a learning curve with one of the jobs, but the others he's doing relatively independently and in a timely fashion. Result: stress levels aorund here have decreased. (We're still working on other areas like time management and homework...so our evenings are not without stress entirely!)

Seven years into this parenting-teens journey and I'm still learning that parenting teens requires more negotiating than with younger kids. They're trying to be more independent and that can be problematic for all involved. Some teens need more room to stretch than others. I need to note that this solution was not the first of the solutions that we negotiated with him, however it seems to be working better than previous ones.

I'm not a perfect parent by any stretch of the imagination. And they would be happy to share their thoughts on my parenting failures with you, if you asked them! But I merely share these thoughts as a fellow parent in the trenches.

Fears and tears

I've had another busy week with work and family commitments. It's amazing to me how my weeks fill up sometimes. I won't give you a blow-by blow account. I've struggled to get to my desk and my to-do list, but it has been a week rich in investing in outside-this-family relationships (which I needed towards the end of these long summer holidays).

This morning, as I've sat down and tried to whittle down that list of work items that needed doing (mostly editing/writing/email), a few niggling thoughts from recent conversations and emails keep poking in. Part of it was the theme of fear. That sounds a bit stark, written just naked like that, but I'm going to explain.

One of the things that I've talked about one-on-one with a couple of friends this week has been dealing with conflict in my work (this has just been in general terms, I'm haven't revealing specifics to my friends). 

I don't like conflict, I avoid it as much as possible, but that is impossible to do all the time in the work I do. My job as an editor is to have opinions and my role in working with many writers is ripe-ground for conflict. My work as I guide a magazine (and now a blog feed for a website) means I have to set standards and guidelines and seek to conform to them. And not everyone likes it where I draw the lines or the opinions that I have, even when I tread softly.

One of my friends reminded me to repeat to myself, "It's not personal."

I find that harder to do in some situations than others. I guess it depends on the "who" and "how" and "what was said". I'm getting better as I get older and more experienced. But I also know that God made me with a sensitive side and I don't wish that away at all, because it gives me empathy for others and it tempers my impulsive side too.

But fear of what people will say about my decisions can paralyse me and make it very difficult to do my work, or to write anything at all. That is something I've been finding myself fighting against, at times, these last few weeks.

The other time that fear came up was when one of my friends insightfully asked about the upcoming year (in the context that we're about to start a new school year) and how I want to grow during that time. Two big upcoming challenges came to mind:

1. My eldest son will most probably leave home to study in another country during the year.
2. We're planning to go on home assignment after the end of this school year (in late June) and last time I moved countries my stress resulted in uncomfortable reflux, the effects of which lingered for months.

My thinking about all of this is that I'm probably more fearful and anxious that I'd like to admit. Moving countries is stressful, but I don't know why I can't be more calm about it. That level of stress I'd like to avoid when we move next year and so, my answer to my friend was that I'd like to survive this year in better shape than I did the last international move in our lives.

She followed up with, "So what 'fills your cup'?" My main thought was deep conversations like the one that I was currently engaged in—with friends. Preferably with coffee in hand!

So we'll see how I go. As God continues to grow me through dealing with conflict in my work and in the stress of major changes in my family, I need to be intentional in seeking good conversations with friends, but also in turning to God.

I don't know where I found this blog post by an Aussie (it was published seven years ago), but it entices me to dig into the Bible again, and lean into another opportunity to cast myself upon God: Praying your fears. Here's just one nugget that I need to follow through on daily: 

We need to relocate our glory: not in our talents or our role, or others' opinion of us, but in God's approval.

Its pair is: Praying your tears, which is also an excellent post. For surely, the fears are often accompanied by tears (for me, in conflict, especially). And another nugget (which I think is a Timothy Keller quote):

Weeping is fine. Weeping and grief is fine. Weeping and disappointment is fine ... but weeping in self-pity will make you a small little person, someone who can't forgive, someone who is always feeling ill-used, someone who gets incredibly touchy and incredibly over-sensitive. ... Look at the cross and say, "... My sufferings are nothing compared to yours. If you suffered for me I can be patient with this suffering for you."

But now I need to get back to my work—looking at people's words and deciding what to do about them.

Wednesday in Bangkok

Conflict. It's not something I enjoy. But we talked about it today. 

These two little figures in the garden are presumably welcoming us to the
Bangkok guest home (I can't read their Thai signs, but the word in English
behind them on the seat is "Welcome").

There are many reasons for interpersonal conflict, but add the context missionaries are working in: multicultural, interdenominational, and international factors multiply the areas for conflict. Not to mention that this "profession" attracts strong-willed people. It's a wonder there aren't more conflicts than we already see. 

So we've spent a lot of time looking at the Bible and seeking God's wisdom on how to cope with challenging relationships. Here are some themes:

The dining room. This was morning tea, they'd just sung to a birthday
"girl" and were cutting the cake.

• Love
• Choosing to let some things (many things?) go
• Forgiving
• Bearing with others
• Remember we are battling, not flesh and blood, but unseen powers and authorities.

 And then there's times when working to resolve conflict is needed. Some brief Bible study shows themes such as:

• asking for a second opinion can be helpful (Prov. 18:17)
• reconciliation is recommended, not reconciling impedes our relationship with God (Matt 5:23-24)
• don't judge others, look inwards first (Matt. 7:1-5)



Coming from a bleak Tokyo winter, it has been a delight
to see vibrant flowers in bloom. No idea what this is,
anyone?



This is the room we've been spending our days in. I love that three out of four
walls are glass sliding doors, and that outside them you can see green
grass and garden. Again, a delight to the eyes of someone who's been
somewhat cloistered inside during a Tokyo winter.

• speak the truth in love, grow in Christlikeness (Eph. 4:15-16)

We've spent just a little bit of time looking at conflict styles at the Kraybill Conflict Style Inventory. I found this interesting, but it will take some time to process. Generally I try to avoid conflict, but what I do if I can't is quite dependent on context (eg. how I'd deal with a writer or a team member is quite different to how I deal with a family member or a child). My tendency is to compromise or cooperate in finding a solution. It's an interesting area to look into, but to absorb it I have to pull my head out of the shell and dare to think about conflict!

One of the workshop participants had her birthday today. To celebrate she
and her husband invited those who wanted to come to join them at a
Mexican restaurant. A real treat for missionaries working in much of Asia
where there aren't many such restaurants.

On a personal note, my father-in-law seems to be going downhill pretty quickly. He's in hospice care and on significant, continuous pain management now. It's a waiting game for us, whilst getting on with daily life, which is a different kind of waiting that my in-laws are doing. Sitting by his bedside must be really difficult.