Looking back at 2023

Ever since I stared writing here in 2009, I’ve been using this blog to reflect on the year just lived. For the last five years I’ve been using the same set of questions. These questions push me past the surface reflections, so they aren’t easy, but it’s a good exercise that I enjoy. They aren’t about what I’ve achieved in the year. I hope they might be a springboard for you to think about your own year too.

Christmas Day on the beach 2023

1. What makes this year unforgettable?

Some big changes this year for us mean this year will be a noteworthy year for the rest of our lives: 

• Our youngest son finished high school, that’s a huge milestone for our family after 20 years of children at school.
• We moved out of the house we’ve spent the most time in for our whole marriage, the house that our youngest son started kindergarten from.
• It wasn’t just a simple move, this move included downsizing and storing stuff for our year away from Japan.
• The move also marked the end of our younger two sons’ time in Japan. In July they moved to Australia with the intent of staying here, at least in the medium term, which is a huge change, considering one of them was born in Japan and the other moved there when he was less than three months old.

2. What did I enjoy doing this year?

We have just celebrated Christmas with both our birth families. It’s really different doing this with older kids, it was much calmer and more enjoyable than in times past.

It’s been enjoyable seeing our three sons, who are now all 18 and over, getting to know one another as adults. Being together in the same region for several months has been wonderful. Parenting is hard work and long work—it’s very satisfying seeing some reward for all the years of effort you’ve put into them as you watch them gain confidence and skills as they grow much more independent.

It’s been enjoyable spending more time with David these last few months. We’ve enjoyed lunches and occasionally other meals on our front deck in Ipswich (a beautiful view). Three weeks Perth without children was an interesting adventure that involved both work and play. It was fun to see glimpses of what’s not very far in our future, but that is really next week’s blog post.

I enjoyed watching my youngest son as he powered his way through the school’s wrestling season undefeated. After many years of injury interrupting his participation in this sport, I really didn’t expect him to do it at all, and then to achieve as well as he did was very satisfying. He went on from there to do really well in shot put and discus in the track and field season too. 

Going to two women’s retreats—one in March in Japan and one in October in Australia—with close friends was definitely enjoyable.

3. What/who is one thing/person I'm grateful for?

Of course I can’t limit it to just one person or thing. I’m grateful to a handful of precious friends who’ve walked alongside me this year. It’s not been an easy year and I’ve leaned on friends, not to mentioned David, heavily to stay afloat.

4. What did I read/watch/listen to that made the most impact this year?

I’ve read more than 100 books again this year, more in the second half of the year than the first. Undeceptions podcast continues to be a thought-provoking listen, though I haven’t listened to as much of that in the second half of the year with less alone time than I usually get in Japan.

Here are some of the books that made an impact

Trusting God by Jerry Bridges

Being Mortal by Atul Gawande

Sacred Siblings by Sue Eenigenberg and Suzy Grumelot

When God Doesn’t Answer Your Prayer by Jerry Sittser

5. What did I worry about most and how did it turn out?

There were many things that I worried about this year, including who to hand my work over to so we could leave Japan for a year and how we would find somewhere to live in Australia (the latter being a big concern because everywhere we turned people were telling us of horror stories about the rental crisis in Australia).

I split my jobs into multiple parts and handed them over in late May and early June. That part worked so well that I ended up with extra time to do preparation for work in Australia that I hadn’t planned for. Both of the publishing projects I managed (Japan Harvest magazine and OMF Japan’s social media) have continued onwards, so I guess I did okay in handing them over. But I know it wasn’t easy for those who have taken extra things on in my absence. It helped to remember that we had important work to do in Australia, even if I didn’t really want to make the effort to get there.

Our accommodation story is a lot easier to tell. We got a house really quickly, with the on-the-ground assistance of a lady from our home church who we’d never met in person. It’s been a really good find, with very little we can fault. Great landlords; beautiful, convenient location; and functionally just right. We also have all the furniture we need, including a large TV and fabulous fridge.

6. What is my biggest regret?

This is always a hard question. I think I regret all the time I spent worrying about the future. It’s a bad habit that is hard to break, and even now I’m struggling not to worry about the first half of 2024.

7. What's something that has changed about me?

I’m no longer the parent of a school-aged kid. I’m also no longer in my 40s. I’m also on the verge of having all my kids move out of home.

I feel more and more that I am a writer and editor and more often when pressed will describe myself as such these days.

8. What surprised me most this year?

Probably my answer to #5 covers a good portion of this. 

But in addition, I’ve been surprised this last week. I’ve been surprised by how “adult” all my boys have been. In the middle of last year we did a similar “tour” without the Christmas celebrations and extra family time thrown in, and it was much harder. They’ve all grown in maturity, which is a great joy to see in what amounts to a stressful situation (travel, sharing rooms, lots of people, many unspoken expectations, lack of routine etc.). Over the years of raising our kids, visiting family in Australia has always been stressful for a few reasons: they’ve rarely seen their Australian relatives, it always involves significant travel, they aren’t in their own environment and Australia was never really “home”, and they were energetic boys (the first grandsons on both sides). Maturity has helped a lot and that meant that this time around I didn’t have to spend much time at all being their advocates or working to keep the peace.

The other big surprise was quickly finding a government-funded program that accepted our neurodiverse son which has helped him do employment readiness and help him find a job (the end of that story is yet to be written, but we’re hopeful).

9. What Bible truths impacted me this year?

In the latter half of the year, reading Trusting God has been significant. I dipped my toe in with some ladies from church in a Bible study (when I could get there), then read it from front to back on my own. The book takes you back to basics about God’s sovereignty and love, and confronts you about how you live in light of these truths.

10. What meta-themes have I thought about this year? (in no particular order)

• Transition
• Aging
• Women and their roles (especially within Christian circles) and non-romantic relationships between Christians (see Sacred Siblings book).
• Whether God’s leading us to stay in Japan after 2023 (we think he is).
• Life with grown kids who don’t live at home anymore.
• Disability support in Australia.
• Downsizing.
• How Japan Harvest is produced and how that can be done with me less involved.

Highlights

• Our youngest finishing high school, especially his athletic achievements, but also seeing his persistence in working hard academically and the great friendships he had the privilege to be part of.
• All-Japan OMF conference in June was both exhausting and wonderful.
• Writing a series of six articles about the process of preparing for and going on home assignment for the US branch of our organisation, and also recording a discussion with a colleague about the same topic. All of this was published mid-year online.
• Being able to watch a lot of cricket, especially watching Australia unexpectedly win the semi-final and final of the one day international cricket World Cup (which involved staying up way past my usual bedtime twice in one week). Making it to two cricket matches in-person.
• Going to a symphony orchestra performance in person for my birthday.
• Visiting Rottnest Island in WA.
• Speaking at a women’s conference and “losing it” onstage as I tried to speak briefly about the long-term griefs that cross-cultural workers encounter. I put this as a highlight because, while it was very hard to do, it was true to myself and my desire to show others how ordinary missionaries are. But the other reason it’s a highlight is that the response was overwhelming, in a positive way. I had many conversations afterwards with women who understood (and were glad to hear someone tell this unspoken story), had their eyes opened, or who wanted to learn more.
• I think my blog post that got the most attention this year was “Neurodivergence and missionary families”. Maybe this doesn’t belong as a “highlight”?
• Camping in late March was lovely, unfortunately we’ve not be able to manage any other camping trips in 2023.

Lowlights

• Moving—I really don’t like moving, never have. And the anticipation of moving is almost as bad as the move itself.
• Watching our sons pack up their lives in the place they’ve grown up and say goodbye to friends and Japan.
• Walking alongside our son as he negotiated medical and other difficulties, and then trying to figure out how to help him start to forge a life in Australia.
• Exhaustion. We’ve been able to really slow down in the last couple of months of the year and have realised how much toll the past few years have taken on us (obviously culminating in a huge, stressful transition). It’s been hard to have less structure and purpose in our days, but also to realise that our energy levels weren’t what we were used to either.

Other thoughts

This category is for other things that don’t really fit anywhere else…

This year I was invited to join a couple of groups of women who are all mums of kids with various types of disability. Most of them live in Japan (or have spent significant time there) and many of them are expats. One group is mostly Christians and the other is not. I’ve only met them a handful of times, but the depth of connection is quite remarkable. I wrote a bit about this under the subheading “Being heard” in this blog post in February.

Ultimately, I’m glad 2023 is over. It contained big highlights, but also big milestones and a lot of hard work and exhaustion. It’s encouraging to look back and see how God has sustained us and provided for us through it all.

In the second blog post I wrote this year I quoted Psalm 103, and I think it’s a good place to finish. Here is some of what I wrote in January:

“There are lots of nuggets in [Psalm 103] to ponder. Just now I'm leaning into these phrases: "Your youth is renewed like the eagle’s" (v. 5 NIV) and "As a father has compassion on his children, so the Lord has compassion on those who fear him; for he knows how we are formed, he remembers that we are dust. The life of mortals is like grass, they flourish like a flower of the field; the wind blows over it and it is gone, and its place remembers it no more" (vv. 13–16).

'Twas the week before Christmas

I did my usual Monday grocery shop this week and was a little overwhelmed by the crowds. It was hard to get a park in the huge carpark under our local shopping centre (there are more than 3,000 car parks at the centre, the majority of them are undercover). And in the grocery store itself there were lots of people "hunting in packs" and more notable were those who looked like they'd been at it for a long time: their trolleys were full to overflowing, they held long lists, their eyes were bleary, and occasionally they could be heard on the phone consulting other important parties. It was pretty crazy.

'Twas the week before Christmas, 
when all through the mall,  
shoppers descended like a mad summer squall 

—penned by David Marshall, Dec '23

Because we're about to travel and be guests of our parents, I wasn't buying much, but I know our mums are probably stressed about all this, just as these (mostly) women appeared to be. I hope that we will be able to be gracious guests and not cause too much trouble!

But really, what I want for Christmas is not the "perfect" meal or decorations or presents, I just want to honour our families by spending time with them, some of whom we haven't seen for more than five years. We put so much emphasis on making this celebration "just right" that we can easily forget the more important things.

Obviously, as a woman of Christian faith, the most important thing to me is that we're remembering that this is about Jesus, the son of God, the miracle that God came to earth to be one of us. Without that event, this celebration would never have started. Unfortunately, as we all know, in many places, he's completely forgotten, overtaken by many other aspects of the season. And even those of us who are Christians can let the general fervour and busyness of the season overtake the meaning of the story that has grown a little too familiar to us.

A bit of a blurry photo of the outdoor
carols service that our eldest son's church
ran for their community. He's on the guitar
on the left of the picture. It was fun to join in
this and encouraging to hear the origin
story of the season told clearly.

But I think it's also a great time to celebrate what else God's given us. For many of us that includes family and friends. I'm thankful for being able to be physically with family this year. It's a great time to get together and be thankful (Australians, especially, without any culture of thanksgiving celebrations separate to Christmas). It's also wonderful time to gather with our communities, with "our people", and be thankful for where we get to live and the people we get to do life with. To be filled with joy at the various fun things planned for this time of year, especially when we know life can be too full of pain and drudgery. 

It's a time of year when things get magnified: bad things can seem worse and small positive things can make a huge difference. Let's take time to acknowledge the good and the joy. And let's release some of those high expectations we have of ourselves and of others, be faster to apologise and to thank, and not so fast to criticise. Let's take pleasure in the small things.

I live in a dichotomy

The past week has been full of things we've grown to associate with Christmas in Australia, things that we don't do or experience when we're in Japan:

Outdoor carols events: we went to one run by our eldest son's church and have seen plenty others advertised. The one we went to was different to many Australia Christmas events: it was evangelistic, it didn't include Santa, and almost all the songs were related to the true story of Christmas.

Church family Christmas dinner: some churches in Japan may do this, but mostly Christmas is a time for outreach events like concerts

An example of Australian "ugly"
Christmas clothing :-)

Christmas everywhere we go: decorations, lights, packaging, Santa, events, and Australia's version of the "ugly sweater" (often matching shorts and t-shirts with some kind of repeating Christmas motif), it's all far more pervasive than we see in Japan.

Preparing for the "rellie tour": visiting our birth families around the state for Christmas, which requires two eight-hour drives and one 90-minute drive.

Cricket: yep, this is a summer sport and the "sound of summer" for us is cricket on the TV in the background of life. And last week we actually went to one match live, which was a great experience after a lifetime of watching it on the tellie.

Summer: of course, it's summer, even if most of the Christmas motifs deny it. It's our second descent into summer for the year. A Brisbane summer is a bit easier than a Tokyo summer, the humidity is far less oppressive, and the nights are often are not as hot. But it will be longer. We do go most places in a car, too, which makes it easier than riding a bike or walking. We also live in a house with decent insulation, and our bedroom has an air conditioner (though I really would prefer not to live in aircon all day and night).

I remember when I first when to Japan I felt like I had to reinvent myself, like I was a completely different person in Japan than I was in Australia. To some extent that's still true. I remember meeting a life-long friend here one time for a Japanese lunch, then we went to an Asian supermarket. She remarked that she was seeing a completely different side to me than she'd ever seen before (she's never seen me outside the context of Australia). 

Life in Australia is very different in many ways to life in Japan. Life in cross-cultural ministry is also different to what most people "get". And it's easy to feel sorry for myself and descend into a pity-party here. I'm glad I didn't post this when I first wrote it because I've been able to delete a couple of paragraphs of that kind of thing!

I know that I have friends who love me and try hard to understand and love the weird person that this life has made me. I am ever so grateful to them. This is a lonely life and those special friends make a huge difference. I'm trying to do my best to embrace the "Australian Wendy" for these months we're here.

I'm also grateful for the various people we meet along the way who understand. We met two just yesterday, people who we've only crossed paths with a few times, but who have a lot more in common with us than many other Aussies.

There's so much to be thankful for! Even the uncertainty about the future, because it challenges me to trust God more. What are you thankful for this week?

Emotions and conversations

We have reached an interesting point in our careers. A point where people saying, "Wow, 23 years is a long time to serve." But there are also younger people asking questions about their own direction in life, and asking about our own journey. Especially people who don't feel called to so called "front-line ministry", for example, church planting and evangelism, but called to the sorts of work we do: support ministry (behind the scenes helping missionaries to continue to do the work they've been called to do).

And a photo of a tree, because we all need
more trees!

I've written on this topic a few times over the years, one that stands out was about four years ago (here) and expressed a fair bit of frustration on how difficult it seemed to communicate to Australians about the importance of the work we do. That mission work involves a lot more than just church planting and evangelism. 

However, it feels like maybe we're making better progress this year. One way we're doing that is by using boxes, of all things! It's become a standard part of most of our up-front presentations. We get the audience involved and show them a little dramatically some of the other things missionaries have to do aside from their stated "ministry", and then show them how overwhelming that can be and how people like ourselves can work as a team to help carry the load. I explained this activity (with photos) towards the end of this blog post five years ago. This single presentation has produced more conversations than most of the stories we've told.

I've had coffee on two occasions in the last week with people who wanted to know more about my story: about working in communications and also about how missions do member care. Both of these conversations were so encouraging to me. I shouldn't be amazed that God's been working through the struggles I've had to help other people (he said he would 2 Corinthians 1:4). In fact neither of these conversations would have taken place if God hadn't given me the boldness to stand up in front of strangers and admit that something in my missionary career had been (or continues to be) hard.

. . . 

I now wish that I'd pressed "Publish" on Tuesday when I wrote this. But now it's Thursday and I've had another lengthy conversation that was quite different to the first two I mentioned. Today I'm feeling far more anxious than I had been recently. The conversation was one of those, "Please explain the situation of your kids, we wish we could provide them with accommodation but we can't, what can we do except pray?" kinds of conversations that we've had many of in the last several months.

I haven't written too much about the situation with our boys, partly to protect their privacy. What's been going on with them has been the unwritten part of the story in what I've written here recently (e.g., struggling to trusting God). My summary is: there's a housing crisis in Australia at present and finding places to rent is hard. Both our younger sons need to find somewhere to live apart from us in order for us to go back to Japan in July. One of our sons will be studying at the University of Queensland and the other hopefully will be working. The latter was the subject of this blog post last year about mental illness and neurodiversity. He's had a rough run, and as his parents we've also been doing it tough at times. Getting these guys settled somewhere else is a key focus of this home assignment, but it's a difficult one. And one that we don't know the end of yet, and it's hard to wait, wondering.

But this is a rather large diversion from how I started this: encouraged by conversations. But that's life, isn't it? One interaction can be an encouragement and another quite the opposite. We're no superheroes here! Please pray for us!