Imposter syndrome

Have you heard of this term? It's "the idea that you’ve only succeeded due to luck, and not because of your talent or qualifications—was first identified in 1978 by psychologists". (from https://time.com/5312483/how-to-deal-with-impostor-syndrome/)

It's something I struggle with a little, both professionally and personally. Though I've been editing and writing for over 10 years, I have no formal qualifications in either areas, and sometimes wonder "who am I to be making this decision". I've been asked to teach about writing on a few occasions and always wonder if I'm just "faking it".

I also feel like a bit of a fake as a missionary at times, especially when people in Australia assume that I'm a super evangelist or fluent in the language. When I'm with colleagues I feel like a fake because I am neither good at Japanese nor skilled in theology. Editing theological and deeply cultural articles I find really challenging.

A photo of me trying to "fake it" as a course
facilitator in January.

Though I've been a parent for over 22 years, I still wonder if I'm doing an okay job. This has been a tough parenting year and I admitted to a counsellor earlier in the year that I feared I was a failure as a parent. I've even had moments of feeling recently, that though I've been an adult for over 30 years, I don't feel up to the task at times.

I wouldn't classify myself as having significant self-esteem issues, nor am I especially a perfectionist. So I'm not sure why all the self-doubt. Maybe I'm just a realist and I understand my weaknesses all too well.

I went to a magazine editing course at the very start of my editing career. I remember these professional editors (think Christianity Today) saying something like editors know a little about a lot of things. And that's actually a pretty good description of me. Perhaps that's why I don't feel like an expert at anything?

However every now and then I'm surprised by my own competency. Like when I was interviewed by someone in our organisation a couple of months ago about the social media work I do with our mission. It was pretty apparent, even to me, that I knew a lot of stuff about it (an awful lot more than I knew five years ago). And early last year when I took some writers away for a retreat and offered one-on-one times for each one. They asked me hard questions about a whole range of writing matters and I actually came up with some answers that were maybe helpful.

Perhaps the older we get the more we feel like imposters because the more we realise how little we know? I look back at the "arrogance" of my youth, for example, as a new graduate at 21 years of age I was running an Occupational Therapy department that covered a large geographical area. I was the only member of the department, but still, that meant I had little supervision or people to ask advice from. It was a sign of the desperateness that they even employed me.

So, what am I to do with this? Perhaps remember who I am, first and foremost. My value is primarily as someone made in the image of God, and I can even claim that, as I am a child of God, I am loved by God. That's a pretty big claim and one that makes all the wondering if I'm a fake fade into the background. It doesn't matter, ultimately, whether I'm a fake or not. My value isn't in what I do, nor how well I do it. But my sieve-like mind has trouble retaining that and I need to remind myself often.

New adventure: Japanese driver's licence

Tomorrow our 19 y.o. starts on a journey that we know little about: getting a Japanese driver's licence from scratch. He's taking a gap year after high school and is not sure about what he wants to do after that. 

One thing he can do now to prepare for the future is get a driver's licence, and because Japan and Australia have a cosy mutual relationship over driver's licences, arriving back in Australia with a Japanese licence is a distinct advantage (especially when you don't have parents living in the same country as you). He'll be able to get an Australian licence without doing 100 hours of driving or taking a test. It'll mostly just be a paperwork challenge (translation of licence included).

However, getting a licence in Japan bears only a vague resemblance to what we've seen his older brother do in Australia. And so we walk alongside him and learn together. Here is the chart the school has given him. 

It seems as though most of the learning will happen at the school, we're unclear as to whether he'll do any "learner driving" with us at all. Having been a little bit involved with our eldest in "getting his driving hours in", I think this method, though expensive, will definitely be good for our stress levels (and probably our relationship with him too). 

An integral part of the process is 26 lectures, which is not something done in Australia. I guess it's good to learn these separately from the stress of actually driving? Perhaps safer?

The other advantage is that they coach you specifically for the test, so there is little chance of failure, apparently!

We're thankful for God's provision of the finances to do this, because we didn't budget for it and it definitely wouldn't fit in a usual missionary budget.

We really feel like, even after 22 years of this parenting journey, that we're still feeling our way along. There have been so many unexpected challenges and there's no map, especially within the missionary life. And even more so with transitioning young adults to independent post-school life. At times it's agonising and it certainly drives us to our knees pretty much on a daily basis.

The good and the bad, and joy in the midst of it all

I have a lot to be thankful for this week . . . maybe I'm learning how to have joy in the midst of pain?

On the one hand, I've been weary and overwhelmed, and I've struggled with headaches all week. 

Playing French cricket with our UK friends on Saturday was fun.
And the sky was magnificent viewing: all day! It's not often you
get so far from other people and buildings in the greater Tokyo area.

But on the other hand, we've had some great things happening. Last Saturday, despite being unable to do our planned camping trip, and having some last-minute hiccups, we were able to spend the day with friends/colleagues. I was able to have a long weekend—a quiet day of just relaxing at home on Tuesday was very unusual, but matched with my family's schedule (school's Fall Break) and was needed. 

And, after months of waiting, we're seeing some positive changes in the local situation. The number of new COVID-19 infections is the lowest it's been all year. This week three meetings that have been online for many months have been, or will be, in person: a prayer and fellowship meeting with our mission, a prayer meeting at school, and worship on Sunday at church. 

All good, but also a tad overwhelming in the suddenness that it's all changed. We've also seen forward movement on a couple of fronts for one of our guys, which is very encouraging, but has made my schedule next week a bit busier than I'd like.

Another unexpected thing I've been doing this month is a daily photo challenge with Taking Route, an online community for expat women. The challenge is #thisglobalwalkoutside. Using daily photo prompts, expat women around the world are taking photos outside and sharing them. I've not been interacting much with the community, but been simply enjoying taking the simple prompt and searching each day for a photo to take (or one that was taken earlier) and post, plus something to write about the prompt (I can't resist the writer-side of me). It was something I stumbled upon at the start of the month and I have to say the results have been unexpected. My reflections have surprised me (as have some of my photos).

I have to say also, that despite all that I've had going on, plus a headache, I've been remarkably productive in even this short week . . . but that reminds me that I must get back to my To Do list before this working week is over.

Craving connection

Deep connection. I think it's something I'm craving right now. I have a lot of contact with friends and colleagues via email, messaging, and even video calls, but I'm really missing face-to-face. Technology has easily adapted to meetings, to information-giving, and to "doing stuff". But not so easily to "hanging out", to the sorts of casual interactions that happen when a group gathers in one place. When you go to a physical meeting, there are interactions before, during, and after, that are life-giving and really hard to do unless you're very intentional about it online.

Photo of the new field and building at school.
Just like connecting with people online,
there is a barrier between the camera
and the scene. There, but not quite there.

The other day, in a small online chat group, I asked an acquaintance about how her new fridge was going. Weeks ago she'd asked advice about buying it and I wondered how it was going. If I'd asked that question in person it wouldn't have seemed strange, but in the middle of a chat, it did. That makes me sad.

I'm going to be bold and say that I'm also a little tired of being thrown together into small online groups of people who I've often only just met and being required to share personal things. It's for the purpose of prayer and is something missionaries engage in a fair bit. I've been going to prayer meetings like this for years, but at the moment it just seems overwhelming. 

Praying for one another is good. However, at these sorts of prayer meetings you are expected to share something personal for others to pray for you about. At the moment the most pressing things I want people to pray about are very personal and also complicated. So I'm struggling to know how to share that authentically as well as succinctly, and so that I am not too exposed with people I barely know. But also needing wisdom to know how to share in a way that others can understand enough without being overwhelmed.

Thankfully I've got a whole day of connection planned tomorrow with good friends. Friends who I know and trust. I hope that those hours will help soothe the irritation I'm feeling with these online prayer times. These are important meetings, but seem to me that at present many of them are only a shadow of true Christian fellowship.