Waiting expectantly

"Be still and know that I am God" is a Bible phrase that's been known to me since I was a child. It's taken on new significance in the past two years.

At the end of 2019 I wrote here:

That verse was given to me on a little card at the spiritual retreat I went to in May. It's a verse I've known since childhood, but only recently have I realised the deeper meaning of it: God is way above my ability to understand him, I need to continually relax my desire to control things and people around me and let God be God. I need to continually remember that worry doesn't help and God actually tells us not to be anxious (Philippians 4:6). I can walk away from my work and leave anything unresolved in God's hand. I can go to sleep at night and leave all my concerns with him.

Then in November last year I wrote here about my frustration at not being able to make plans. In that post I wrote, "Right now, for us, it’s time to wait, and trust in the Lord with all our hearts, leaning not on our own understanding and God will direct our paths (paraphrase from Proverbs 3:5-6)." 

Sadly, things seems even more uncertain now than they did five months ago. Every time we make a longer-range plan, it seems to be dashed.

On Friday this Scripture verse came up on my daily desk calendar:

In the morning, Lord, you hear my voice;
in the morning I lay my requests before you
and wait expectantly. (Ps. 5:3 NIV)

Oh, we've been waiting expectantly, for what feels like a long time! I like that phrase, though, it turns "waiting" into something that's more active. It appears in Luke also (3:15), when the Jews were wondering if John the Baptist was possibly the Messiah. Japanese has a great phrase for this: 待ち望む (machi nozomu) literally "wait" and "hope". In other places the English uses phrases like "wait in hope" (see Ps. 33:20, Isaiah 51:5, and Micah 7:7). Psalm 130:5 puts it even strongly: "my whole being waits, and in his word I put my hope".

And I then this morning I read this article that uses the metaphor of jellyfish and how they go with the sea current. The author writes:

I think at times God just wants us to wait, too. Could we surrender our agenda or our anxiety about the next? Could we stop striving and just “go with Him”? If we could learn to float like jelly and go with His flow, we may just reach the destination in a more peaceful and enjoyable way. 

And she finishes with this prayer:

Father, You are so creative. . . Help us to stop striving and be at peace in the process. Remind us to relax and wait. Help us to not be in a hurry for Your answer but to soak in the time of waiting. Amen.

I know we're not alone at the frustration of this period. Many of us are waiting, and the waiting is wearying. But can we stop our striving? Can we be still and know God at this time? I know it's my daily challenge right now, and probably for some time to come. How about you?

I cannot believe it . . .

I asked, "When will it end?" when I heard that yet another teenager within the wider CAJ community has died. He passed away suddenly this morning of a brain haemorrhage. As soon as I asked it, I realised that "it" won't end, not until this old world has passed away. The pain, imperfections, challenges, disasters, tears, sickness and death just won't go away.

This question was on my mind anyway, before we saw the electronic communications that informed us of the passing away of this young man who loved the Lord. It seems almost irreverent to speak of the struggles we've had today while knowing that the mother and father of this teenager is bereft of their youngest son.

Our sons haven't been fun to live with today, but at least we've had them. It has been difficult behaviour, grumpy behaviour, demanding behaviour and argumentative behaviour that has marred what should have been a fun family day out. But, again, this evening's news has put our own challenges into perspective.

How can one learn to be content in the midst of this imperfect life? I struggle just with my own imperfect self, let alone all the imperfect people and the imperfect world around me. How is it possible that Paul said what he did? 

Philippians 4:12  I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. (NIV)

I guess the key is in the next thing he wrote: 

¹³ I can do all this through him who gives me strength.

I wish I could say, "Yes" wholeheartedly to this. But I have to honestly say, "Not yet. Still praying that I'll learn the secret . . . and sooner rather than later." 

Parenting, especially, is getting me down at present. I guess 11 weeks of our three particular collection of boys full-time at home could do that to you. But tonight, my prayers are with the parents, family and friends of the young man who died. May God give them the strength to make it through this.

Bits and pieces (and photos) from retreat

Some bits and pieces from retreat. I drove three other women and a van full of extra stuff required for the days away. As we drove upwards, it began first to rain, then snow. When we arrived, we were faced with a winter wonderland.

After living in snow-country for four years, I've decided that snow is beautiful, if you don't have to live (or drive) in it! "First" snows are particularly beautiful - purifying Japan's otherwise drab grey-brown-black winter landscape.

I went for a short walk during our free time on Thursday afternoon. There is a pond nearby that is gorgeous in every other season. Winter is not it's most beautiful season, but it was nice to get out in the fresh country air. 

I particularly enjoyed the feeling of snow crunching under my feet. That brings back memories from winters in Hokkaido during our first term as missionaries. I tried to figure out why it was enjoyable - because memories of that time in my life aren't all that fun, but I think it might just be that I enjoy the feeling of the crunchy snow, there really is little else like it. But it is good to think back to those times of struggle and see how far I've come, by the grace of God, since then. It was one thing our speaker spoke about - remembering the struggles and instead of comparing ourselves to others, compare ourselves now to ourselves then.

My snow boots - I still have them from Hokkaido days. See the cool hinged piece in the heel that enables you to have ordinary boots one second and instant grip on icy ground the next.

Jane's also tall - 10 inches taller than me.

Our speaker, Jane Rubietta, was again a delight. I never expected I'd get two opportunities to hear her speak. She spoke at the same retreat three years ago when I was last there. What particularly delights me about Jane is that she is not only humorous, she is very honest about her own failures and struggles. Amazing transparency in speaker. She urges those listening (or reading - when you read her books) to dare to be honest about our own struggles and move closer to Jesus, who loves us despite our imperfections.

Renee, one of our worship leaders working hard.

Then the joy of worshipping in English. I didn't get a photo of them in action because I was crying too much. I also didn't want to pull away from the awesome privilege of worshipping in my heart language. I did get a photo of one of the two sisters who led us in worship - but not as she sang, but as she attached some of the longer retreat decorations to the roof of our van for our trip home.

Another precious thing I bring home from the retreat, I mentioned on Thursday - the deep conversations with other women. Not too much time wasted on small talk.

All in all, a balm to my soul. After an emotional couple of months to start the year, I feel as though I've been fed and watered. I feel as though I can see a way forward, in more than just the daily list of "things to do" but the way to "be", how God is leading me, how He wants me to grow. Lots to think about and process, but a peaceful, satisfied feeling is brimming up from my soul.

Not feeling homesick

I realised with a shock today that the contentment I've been feeling recently is not tinged with homesickness. I am not yearning to go back to Australia. In fact, if someone were to force me back there right now (for longer than a visit), I'd grieve for what I'd left behind.

I think this is relatively new. Most of the eight years I've spent in Japan I've had a degree of longing to be back 'home'. 

That doesn't mean that I don't miss my family, that I'd love to be cuddling my new nephew or that my Australian friends are no longer important to me. But it does mean that I'm enjoying the life I have here. I'm content and settled. I'm thriving on the various roles I have rather than enduring them.

This is good. And I'll keep praying that God will provide all the finance we need so that the rug is not pulled out from underneath us.

Where is my mind?

Twice overnight the thought ran through my mind that I REALLY like this house we're renting and that it'll be hard to leave it in June. Then we read this in our morning devotion time:

Colossians 3:1-2 NIV ¹Since, then, you have been raised with Christ, set your hearts on things above, where Christ is seated at the right hand of God. ²Set your minds on things above, not on earthly things.

Oops. Turn my eyes to things above. I guess that doesn't involve a nice house here on earth, does it? It was just the re-tuning that my mind required. Not that it is bad to appreciate the earthly things I have, I just need perspective, God's perspective. Especially in this transitory life of moving around that God has given me.

Looking forward to home

Our second term in Japan has been categorised by a growing sense of contentment - that "we're finally where we are supposed to be". This has been matched by a gradual decrease in "I wish I were still in Australia" which is otherwise known as homesickness. After nearly eight years away, you'd expect that, I guess. At least it sounds healthy! Imagine living and working for years in a foreign culture by your own choice without at least feeling it was somewhat tolerable. It doesn't sound good, does it? On the contrary, we're anticipating our arrival in Australia with joy. A couple of months ago when we bought out plane tickets, we were excited, though restrainedly so. As our departure draws near, I note within myself again the stirring of excitement! What is so good about Australia, you might ask? Here's a list of the things we most miss or look forward to:

• 'Australian' food eg. beetroot, sausages, sausage rolls, pies, Mars Bars, mangoes, sultana grapes, custard etc
• Freedom of expression. I long to be able to talk to anyone and to be able to freely express my thoughts. I feel quite limited here, like not being able to easily walk into a bank and express my needs. That feeling is unsettling and even demeaning - I'm reduced to the capacity of a preschooler!
• Being able to read anything (which goes with the above, really). With this goes libraries, bookshops, newsagencies etc.
• English church services
• Shopping centres. They really aren't the same here. No good ones near us, at any rate.
• Friends and family who've known me longer than the time I've been in Japan.
• Summer Christmas.
• Cricket (of course!).
• Long open roads.
• Working together with my husband again. Him not having a 8-5 job will be lovely. We complement each other in the work we'll do in Australia and we're looking forward to being together more of the time.
• This time we're looking forward to all our children being in school!!!
• Being Australian. Here our identities get a little muddled, along with our vocab and accent. We're looking forward to being amongst our own kind again.
• Space - here everything is tight. The roads, the shops, the houses...