Trying to feel fully settled again

A cross-cultural friend I know in Japan asked me this week: "Do you feel fully settled back in at home?"

The last "nature" I soaked up in Australia 
before we flew back earlier this month.

My answer: Yes, and no. 

Yes, I'm doing all the things I usually do when I'm here, and it feels fairly normal. I'm even baking!

But no, my head still feels a little like it hasn't quite turned the page. Being in Australia was good, but it was unsettling. It stirred up longings to be with friends there, and for things that are so easy to do there, but a little bit harder here. That is, I'm a little bit homesick. I'm also still processing the various things that happened there, which is also a bit unsettling. But I'm continuing to go through the motions and hopefully my mind will catch up soon.

Also "no" because I've arrived in the middle of things. The school year has already started for my husband, and youngest son. 

Plus it's our son's last school year. Therefore our last year with a child at school! I'm terrible at not thinking ahead on these things (I spent a long time anticipating him starting school, kicking off my "all the kids at school" phase after ten years of having little kids at home all day, every day.) 

This is even more momentous because this is not just the end of being school-parents, but also the end of life in Japan with kids in our home. We're going on home assignment in late July next year for twelve months. Prior to that we will move out of the house we've lived in since our youngest started school in 2010. We will be downsizing significantly because when/if we come back to Japan, it will be without offspring. We will be empty nesters and will move into a smaller apartment.

That's a lot of big change, and it's on my mind, and unlikely to completely disappear out of my consciousness as we walk through a lot of "lasts" in the next year. So, I may not completely settle down for many months, even though my suitcase is completely unpacked and put away.

But again, what can I do? I will walk through the daily and weekly routines, trying to ground myself in the now and be as settled and present as I can.

How can God help me with this? Here are some thoughts from this blog post.

1. Take time to focus on God. "Fix your eyes on Jesus" (Heb. 3:1) and "set our minds on things above" (Col. 3:2).

2. Be content. Paul tells us he learned to be content (Phil. 4:11). I'm still learning this, but I think part of it is taking the time to be thankful, and telling God (1 Thess. 5:18).

3. Continuing to be prayerful. Starting every day with prayer, and turning to God in prayer more regularly through the day (Col. 4:2).

4. Remember God's exhortations to be strong and courageous (e.g. Joshua 1:9).

5. Think about others, don't get wrapped up in myself. Love others! (1 Cor. 16:14)

6. Trust God with the future (Psalm 25:1).

I'm preaching to myself!

What do you struggle with when you're facing big change that you know is coming?

Families: microcosms of cultures

During our time in Australia we stayed in a variety of different places. Twice we stayed with family members, twice (three times for me and our middle son) we stayed in a self-contained apartment attached to someone else’s house. Only once did we stay on our own in a detached house.

This humble house is the only place where
we lived in a detached building as a family
while we were in Australia.

Then, at the start of August, David and our youngest son left for Japan and our middle son and I moved into live with a family as guests. We were like boarders, we provided our own lunch and breakfasts and did our own washing, they provided us with dinner. We each had our own small room. This is where I quarantined with COVID. After nearly three weeks here we separated. He went to stay with his brother in his share house for ten days, and I went to stay as a guest of the family of a close friend. 

Each of these locations had their own culture.  On reflection, we were “free-est” when we rented a (holiday) house for a week.

I’m guessing that most people haven’t stayed for as long as ten days or three weeks with another unrelated family (we've done it a few times, when we visited Perth for deputation). Generally, in our Western culture, we live with our own immediate family, and only visit other families for short periods. For four years I lived in a residential college (dorm) when I was at uni. Then, after I graduated, I lived in three different situations before I got married: on my own, with part-time housemate, and with a full-time housemate. But it’s been almost 25 years since I stayed with someone other than my family for a long period.

As I reflect on what we’ve experienced since June, I’ve realised how some of the things that stressed me most was living with my family with the other family cultures we experienced. I call them cultures deliberately, because they each have rules. They each have unwritten expectations and codes of behaviour that aren’t easily decoded by outsiders.

Family cultures are influenced by so many factors, here are a some:

• Personalities
• Ages of family members
• Life experience
• Location
• Environment
• Pets
• Habits
• Work
• Busyness
• Expectations
• Health
• Division of labour
• Housing: layout, resources (e.g. hot water), cleanliness, age etc.
• Tone of voice often used
• Toleration of conflict
• Parenting styles
• Values
• Goals

For example, a family with school-aged kids who have two parents working outside the home looks very different to a family with older, fairly independent teens and parents who often work from home. Factors that vary enormously include different expectations about what meal times should look like, how recreational time is spent, what expectations the family has about security, showering, feeding and exercise of pets, whether they are introverts or extroverts, and messy or slightly obsessive about cleanliness. 

When you encounter someone outside their home (including on social media), you know very little about their home life and how things work there. When you are a houseguest, you have to be fairly alert to figure some of these things out. Depending on the family, some expectations are overtly stated, but other expectations aren't even conscious. This is complicated by the fact that we guests each bring our own expectations, needs, and values into the situation!

All of this is also affected by our role as a guest in the household. Hosts are being generous, so in reality they hold more power than you do in the situation. Not that I'm saying our hosts abused this power they held (although they may not have realised how much of a power imbalance existed), but it's worthwhile acknowledging that as a guest you are somewhat powerless. Most guests feel the pressure to not to cause any unnecessary inconvenience to their hosts. That can be a stressful tension to live with, especially over a long period.

So, how did I survive all these different living situations, especially when sharing a kitchen/bathroom/living area?

My strategies as a guest this time

If I could avoid the early-morning breakfast-bathroom rush, I did. Most of the time I didn’t need to be up as early as my hosts, so I just waited until they’d finished using the kitchen and bathroom. I tried to ask questions about important things like the laundry, shower use, dishwasher, and security. And I took my own coffee-making equipment (a very portable AeroPress Go)! 

I don’t have food allergies or sensitivities and can eat most things, so that makes being a guest easier. But I can’t use regular soap, it dries my skin out and causes rashes, so I provided my own body soap and my own dishwashing gloves. I also used my own pillow most of the time. 

In each location I tried to unpack as best I could, which included putting clothes on hangers or in drawers, so I didn’t feel so much like I was living out of a suitcase. If I needed space, I retreated to my bedroom for solitary time. 

On a couple of occasions, when something was bugging me about the house that I could influence, I dealt with it myself, rather than expecting that the host would meet my expectations. 

And, I wore comfortable slip-on shoes inside! We’re very used to Japanese houses, where the floor is fairly free of debris, I find walking around in bare feet or socks in most Australian house difficult. I also find it's "unrelaxing" to always be wearing outside shoes inside.

Reflecting

As I write all this down, I realise why I'm struggling to regain my full strength, other than still recovering from two respiratory infections in the last six weeks. It's exhausting being a guest. It's exhausting moving around from place to place. You are outside your own family culture, or as a parent, you've brought your family culture with you and you're trying to do your best to make sure your family are good guests. When you're at home with your usual family in your usual accommodation, you are most relaxed. Most of the unwritten rules are understood. Daily life happens relatively smoothly, because you have routines that work for you. (I know of course that that is the ideal, that there is always some level of friction when people live together, and probably even more so when you add children into the mix.)

However, I am very grateful to all those who generously hosted us. We're not a neat, easy-to-host family. We're a cross cultural family and some of our foibles are born of that. Other foibles are born of difficulty "reading the room" and mental illness. And some of our hosts caught us at the tail end of the nearly three months we spent as guests, and therefore did not catch us at our best.

I'm also grateful to finally be back in my own house, where the unwritten expectations are understood. Where I can choose what mountains to battle over. And where I can sleep on my own bed, with all my stuff in the places where I can find them.

The other side of transitionitis

Driving home on Tokyo's expressways late on a 
Sunday night is a pretty pleasant experience. I'm
just glad I was a passenger, I was too tired to drive!

I'm on the other side! 

If you're wondering how the rest of our trip went, it was relatively smooth. Our hostess in Brisbane actually drove us to our airport-adjacent hotel (over an hour and a half), and we stayed there on Saturday night. It was a blessed time in the "airlock" between countries and on Sunday morning we experienced the easiest transfer to an international airport we've ever had: walking 50m to the terminal. We spent twice as long as we'd expected in that airport. The usual story we're hearing from airlines these days: various baggage handling and other difficulties that delayed our takeoff nearly three hours. But it wasn't our problem. We had two jobs: to wait patiently and mind our own needs. 

We eventually took off on our 8+ hr flight and arrived about 10pm. Moving through health-app checks, immigration, collecting baggage, and customs didn't take very long and we soon were greeted by David who switched our SIM cards (yes, this is part of our international travel these days) and drove us home. I collapsed into my own bed at 12.50 am.

Our trip to Australia was a much thought about, much discussed event for months leading up to it. Most of our time wasn't recreational, though it wasn't madly rushing around working either. It was a complicated trip, with messy goals and lots of things about it were unclear, even to us. So I'm really glad to be past that now.

Now I'm on the other side (of transitionitis) my sleep is settling down, my digestion (and pooping) is improving, my concentration and emotions are also settling. I'm guessing that I'm no longer running on a high level of alertness and adrenaline and that's where some of my fatigue is coming from. I'm hoping my stamina and health in general is improving. While I was away from Japan, I've had two viral infections (including COVID), one fungal infection, and one bacterial. At times it's been a battle to stay positive despite the illness and disruption to routines. 

On Monday, less than 24 hours after I arrived back in Tokyo, David and I took a short walk after dinner. It was shortened both by the onset of rain and my lack of lung capacity. Yes, I still am battling a respiratory infection and the asthma that goes with it. While we were walking, though, we pondered how difficult it had been to get exercise while we were away. We had little routine, we changed locations a number of times and had different interpersonal obligations with some of our time. It's lovely to be getting back to usual routines and a more healthy lifestyle.

On Tuesday David took some time off to drive us to the immigration office an hour south of here to pick up our new visas and resident cards. We wondered if that was the right thing, but it turned out I really needed his support. I was exhausted and sick and simply didn't have the energy to much more than being a passenger.

Since then I've gradually been increasing my hours working at my desk, and gradually taking on more household management tasks. But I'm still planning to "lie low" until at least Monday, giving my body maximum opportunity to recover.

This has been a big undertaking, not a fun "holiday jaunt". I'm feeling hopeful that in the long-term this has been a worthwhile exercise; a fruitful time in which we used our limited resources as well as we could manage. It will be interesting to look back at it all in a couple of years; hopefully we'll be able to see many more of the positive, intangible things that have been achieved.

An international friend and I have been reminding one another all year about our God who "goes before us" (Deut. 31:8). That's really been the theme for the year. Continuing to trust him in the midst of the stress, anxiety, and uncertainty is both my daily challenge and my testimony as I walk each day by faith.

This week's travel story

Who can resist a good travel story? It's a common topic of conversation between those of us who live and work overseas. 

Like the time I got food poisoning in Manila and then the next day, on my way back to Brisbane got stuck for many hours on a plane on the tarmac, and then had to disembark and was stuck so long in the boarding lounge that we witnessed the crew go home! We ended up flying, but arriving in Hong Kong too late to catch the connecting flight to Brisbane, so got a free 24 hours in their fancy airport hotel. But still sick enough to not really enjoy the free food vouchers we also got.

Well, I've got myself a new travel story, in fact it's not over yet.

I find myself in a weird between-world just now. I feel a little bit transparent, in fact. It's a strange place. We were supposed to fly to Tokyo yesterday morning. But, like all the other flights we've booked on this trip, it was cancelled. Thankfully we were able to rebook pretty quickly. But the timing of discovering the flight was cancelled meant that we'd already said goodbye to everyone and were literally on our way to the airport. As we're flying from a nearby city, and we'd decided to minimise the pre-flight travel (and stress) by booking a hotel next to the airport. So Wednesday looked like this:

2 a.m. I woke up and my mind started roaming through all the logistics of the coming 30 hours. I think I drifted back to sleep sometime before the sun came up, but I'm not sure.

7 a.m. David and I had, what has become (during August) our regular morning video call and Bible reading/prayer time.

Sometime after 8 I had breakfast and chatted to my friend/host.

Sometime after that I spent an hour or so organising and packing my luggage, so that I'd had minimal unpacking at the hotel that night and had sorted my carry-on luggage for the next day.

Around 10.30 I lay down with a book and forced myself to be still for an hour.

11.30 I got up, packed the clothes that had been drying on the line in my luggage and went upstairs to make some lunch and chat with my friend and her daughter.

12.30 I put my two suitcases, backpack, and small travel shoulder bag in the car. Hugged my friend and her daughter goodbye. And left.

1.00 I pulled into where my middle son had been staying with his brother over the last 10 days. Sorted out final packing questions with them. Said goodbye to the house cat. Heard a few stories. And sadly said goodbye to our eldest son.

2.00 Drove to the other side of town to drop off our borrowed vehicle to its owners, who drove us to their nearest train station.

3.07 Hopped on the first of two trains (plus a bus) that would get us to the hotel.

3.30ish Hopped off the first train and struggled to figure out which platform the next train would be arriving on. Went up and down in the lift a couple of times! Finally got on the right train. I would not like to have mobility issues and be using Brisbane trains. We struggled to find easy ways to get our heavy suitcases up and over the train lines, and train platforms are, in many places, a big step down from the train.

3.49 These Brisbane trains don't have room for large suitcases. The seats are mostly facing towards the front or back of the train. I was squished into a seat beside a lady, with one of my suitcases where my knees should be and backpack balanced on top. I got a text from my husband: "Flight is cancelled"!!!!

Then ensued a lot of texting: back and forth with my husband as he sought to book another flight. Then quickly texted the lady in Wynnum who we'd only just said goodbye to (owner of car), asking if she could possibly host us again for three or four nights (she said yes). Checked to see if we could get from Wynnum to the Gold Coast airport by 7.30 a.m. via public transport on a Sunday morning (negative). Emailed the hotel to say we were cancelling that night's booking, but could we rebook for Saturday night.

Sometime after 4pm Changed trains and headed back up to Brisbane. Then changed trains again.

5.21 We arrived back where we'd first gotten on a train and were taken, a little shell-shocked, back to a lovely quiet home. This is where we had arrived in mid-June after our 36 hour journey from Tokyo. I can't say we were in much better shape when we arrived this time!

That evening, despite not being in a great way, I contacted the booking agent for the hotel and rebooked. Looks like the hotel has been very gracious and won't charge us for the late cancellation. I also figured out we needed a new PCR test, where to get that, and what we needed to do (print out a new pathology request). 

All afternoon my throat had been getting sorer and by the evening my head was starting to get clogged up too. The aftershock of it all made me shaky and I pretty much lost my appetite. I was slightly panicking about the possibility of COVID and the new PCR test I had to pass to fly again, but having only just recovered from COVID, it seemed unlikely. Nonetheless, the thought of going through another cold-like sickness wasn't appealing. It probably goes without saying that I didn't sleep well that night either, despite being exhausted. But the next morning (yesterday) I did feel a lot better about the whole affair.

On Thursday my main job was to get new PCR tests and also a few groceries to tide us over. Thankfully we were able to borrow the car for one more day. We're in a "granny flat" where there are some supplies in the cupboard and fridge, but not really enough for three days and nights. It was hard to plan for meals for just the two of us for those three days, and even more so once I realised (again) that portions sold in grocery stores are larger here, and often more expensive. For example, a small tub of yoghurt cost more than a large tub of yoghurt!

I also took some time to wander along the esplanade at Wynnum. Not the prettiest of beaches, but lovely to see the sea, and the sky, and trees, and to breath.

Today (Friday) has been a quiet at-home day. I'm thankful that once again we've jumped through the "negative COVID test hoop". I've managed to do a little bit of urgent editing, but mostly resting. Because I again didn't sleep well last night (read from 2 am to 4am!).

Tomorrow we begin the journey to the hotel airport again, though this time we're a little bit closer and we've got a lift to the hotel. This is a protracted journey that I hope will come to an end with my head on my pillow in my own home in Tokyo on Sunday night.

And why do I feel transparent? Well I've said goodbyes here and people have generally expected that I've left (unless they're on social media) and I was expected back in Tokyo yesterday, so people there are already saying "Welcome back". It's as if I'm in a time warp.

There's no knowing the "why" of this. But simply, it's good to recognise that we're not in control, and that times like these can grow our faith, when we continue to trust God amidst the uncertainty. We've had people praying for us. Our host sent us these verses:

So do not fear, for I am with you;
    do not be dismayed, for I am your God.
I will strengthen you and help you;
    I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.

For I am the Lord your God
    who takes hold of your right hand
and says to you, Do not fear;
    I will help you. (Isaiah 41:10,13 NIV)

Comfort!