Looking back at 2019

Well I've neglected this blog for the last couple of weeks. I was tired and needing a break from many things. Hunkering down for a break meant majoring on reading, recreation with the family, more sleep, and basics that continue as usual like feeding everyone (plus some festive baking).

But it's time for an end-of year blog post! Actually I'm finding that our six months in Australia last year has disrupted my memories of this last year somehow. Not sure why, though I do know we started the year very tired and that hasn't much abated as we've been propelled along by life's responsibilities.

I read an article recently that suggested some interesting questions. I thought some of them were helpful, especially if I'm having trouble remembering details about my year. So I'll give this a go.

1. What makes this year unforgetable?

• Coming back after six months away and jumping straight into school was a new experience for us. We won't be keen to do that again! Especially with all the last-minute drama surrounding our departure.
• Having David in hospital for two operations was also a new experience. One I'd also be happy not to repeat. 

2. What did you enjoy doing this year?

• I enjoyed staying in touch with four special friends in Australia, friendships I'm counting on more than I have in the past. It's a new strategy to keep me emotionally healthy that I am very grateful for.
• A two-week holiday in July that wasn't camping was something we haven't done for several years. Our boys were initially opposed to it, but it turned out really well, something we'd like to repeat in 2020.

3. What/who is one thing/person you're grateful for?

• David, of course. Having him incapacitated in hospital for 20 days (in total) was a sharp reminder of how much we work together as a team to keep us afloat here in Japan.

4. What did you read/watch/listen to that made the most impact this year?

• This is a hard question! I could glibly say "the Bible". That's a good Sunday School answer! But more specifically, having special friends (note my question one answer) who are going through hard times, but love the Lord and love me too, has meant we're keeping each other accountable to keep our eyes on Jesus. I can't pin down any one time or passage or book that has made the most impact, though.
• However, in the last couple of months the verse "Be still and know that I am God" (Psalm 46:10) has been special. That verse was given to me on a little card at the spiritual retreat I went to in May. It's a verse I've known since childhood, but only recently have I realised the deeper meaning of it: God is way above my ability to understand him, I need to continually relax my desire to control things and people around me and let God be God. I need to continually remember that worry doesn't help and God actually tells us not to be anxious (Philippians 4:6). I can walk away from my work and leave anything unresolved in God's hand. I can go to sleep at night and leave all my concerns with him.

5. What did you worry about most and how did it turn out?

• Well this follows uncomfortably on the tail of the previous question. I can't answer this too transparently here as that would impede on the privacy of some I love.
• I did worry about David's hospitalisations: about how I would cope and about what could go wrong. It all turned out okay, though.
• I worried about one of our sons and some educational hoops that he had to or chose to jump through in the last 18 months. That also worked out okay, but not without a good deal of stress incurred by our family.
• When we came back in January we had some unfinished business that we had to attend to to transfer our family here well. That took some time and travel, but I couldn't say I wasn't worried about it at the time. It's also turned out well.
• Finances were a concern early in the year as our mission only conditionally cleared us to return to Japan. Worries again unfounded and God has provided all we've needed.

6. What was your biggest regret and why?

• Another hard question! Words are one of my strengths, but also my biggest downfall and I've used my words unwisely on occasion this year. There are words I wish I'd never typed (or spoken). 

7. What's one thing that changed about yourself?

• Yikes, these questions are getting harder. Perhaps because of the four special friendships I've cultivated in Australia I am more settled? I'm very grateful to the two ladies who I text with almost every day. Because we are so frequently in touch I don't need to explain much. If I'm having a good or bad day, I can just say it.
• Our eyes are on the goal of getting our youngest two through high school and then moving on the empty nest stage. It's not that far away! I think that change in focus is probably significant.

8. What surprised you the most this year?

• Possibly a few of the decisions our boys made in relation to what they've committed to do or not do. 

So . . . after that forced reflection, here are some highlights from the year:

• Coming back to Japan in early January and feeling at home pretty quickly. That was underscored by how close we came to not coming back at all which made us all the more thankful.
• Having our eldest visit twice during the year.
• Three camping trips: to the beach in March, the mountains in June (though excessively wet), and northern plains in August.
• Two family holidays in the mountains.
• Continuing to plug away at Japanese study and slowly seeing the benefits of that.
• Spiritual retreat in May.
• I had a pretty healthy year.
• Discovering I could borrow ebooks from our library in Australia.
• Receiving a huge care package from our home church this month. Seeing them learning about what supporting their own missionaries looks like.
• Starting a new prayer booklet publication project.

Lowlights of the year

• Hospitalisations of David, as previously mentioned.
• Sometimes feeling a lack of motivation for my work. Possibly fatigue, but also a product of having reached something of a plateau, as in I'm doing a lot of the same work with all the challenges and not many changes.
• Hardships that family and friends in Australia have endured: deaths, cancer, marriage breakups, mental health problems, drought and fire, etc.
• Having to say goodbye to our son at the end of his visits here.

Later this week I will write a "looking forward to 2020" post, so I won't go there now. But I will finish this post with thoughts about being real. Mid-year, in an attempt to resolve some of the angst I've felt about not writing here as often anymore, I resolved to write weekly. 

I've not done too badly at that, however I'm aware that it's meant I've moved a little bit away from my desire to write about my daily, ordinary life. However, I remain committed to that ultimate goal: to write so that people will see that we are not some superhero missionaries living a life most people could never imagine or attain. 

On Sunday a song was playing on our computer (with a son with misophonia, we often have music playing in our dining room). It's a song I've heard many times before, but it grabbed my attention. It's called "Just Pretending", here are some of the lyrics towards the end:

What if we just all agreed
To wear our hearts on wrinkled sleeves
And live the mess and mystery
Of a real life

That's what I'd like to do. But before I traverse into the land of "looking forwards" I'll quit and let you hear the song itself:

Thoughts at the end of a 16-week "term"

We're nearly there: at the end of the first "block" of school. In Australia they have four terms: each of 10 weeks. I originally wrote "we are used to", but the truth is we've rarely had our kids in that system, so we really aren't "used to" that anymore, though we grew up in such a system and hanker after it every now and then. 

Here, we get only two breaks of a week or more within the school year. The first one is over Christmas-New Year and is about three weeks. The second is just a week, at the end of March. [Of course we then get a rather long summer holiday of nearly three months! But I honestly would rather have it split up through the whole year.]

School started over 16 weeks ago  we've had just a couple of long weekends in that time. Plus, this year, two hospitalisations during that period. Not to mention that the last four weeks of our summer break was fraught with stress as our middle son, with the assistance of David, completed a whole year subject of high level maths. [Long story about how that happened, but it was much more than we expected.] I was working from home (as usual) during that period, and the daily saga of wondering if he'd get through this mountain of work, and sitting in relatively close proximity to the drama, was stressful.

When the boys were younger it was crazy by this time of the year: fatigue, plus the excitement of Christmas overwhelmed our household in early December. Now the boys are older that is lessened, but we have noted that these older boys are having a bit more difficulty getting out of bed. That's compounded by the fact that it really is nicer in bed than out on these cold mornings, and that the sun doesn't get up until after 6.30 (not as bad as many northern European places, I know, but still, it doesn't help).

A Christmas morning tea in a past year.

Needless to say, we're all looking forward to next week. We're going away for a seven-day break, back to the house we stayed at in July. Loaded up with books, movies, games, and food, we'll apply ourselves again to intense relaxation.

This pre-Christmas holiday week is one of the few traditions that we've managed to maintain as a family. At least "big" traditions. This year it will be a bit strange as we get used to doing it as a family of four, rather than five.

I'm looking forward to time away from the relentless-ness of my work. My never-ending pile of editing, email, and social media responsibilities will be put on hold for a week. And no WiFi will certainly help! I'm also glad this Christmas that we are not looking down the barrel of lots of travel: though seeing family in Australia is always good, for us it means hours and hours of driving. Last Christmas we also were in the midst of transition as we packed up our lives in Australia and shifted focus back to Japan. Not starting 2020 like that will be a huge bonus! But now I'm moving onto an end-of-year post that I can write after Christmas.

I hope the lead up to your Christmas is not too fraught. At Christmas there can often be a lot of pressure to be perfect and to have it all sorted. We see ads and social media posts with happy families that have it all together, with piles of presents or food, and with intricately decorated homes. No one is arguing, or hiding in their room. We don't see the struggles people have with finding time or money or even enthusiasm. We don't see the loneliness that often comes with such a season. We don't see the families that are torn apart with divorce, and the parents who can't see their kids on Christmas day.

If any of the above describes you, please don't despair. The ads and the social media only show a sliver of the truth, not the whole truth. No family is perfect, many out there are hurting. You aren't alone. If you need help, please reach out. To a friend, to a local social service, to a trusted pastor. If any of my personal friends need an ear, know that I'm around on Messenger, or via email if you need me.

We ourselves aren't doing badly. We have friends here, tomorrow night we are celebrating with a few of them. Christmas Day will be quiet, with just the four of us, but we typically connect with family back in Australia via video calls as well! After a busy year we won't be disappointed in a quiet Christmas. It is our first Christmas without our eldest son with us, but then both of us did that to our families when we were in our early 20s, so it's not such a strange thing that he's growing up and doing his own thing.

Well, this has turned out to be a rambling blog post. I hope it gives you some insight into our "on the edge of ordinary" life at the moment. A friend just sent me this video, I thought you might enjoy it too.

Books: another one of my hobbies (and a book review)

I told you a while back that I'd discovered that cooking was one of my hobbies, though I'd struggled a little to identify it as such. Another such hobby I have that I often forget to mention is reading. It sounds so pedestrian and yet it's been such an integral part of my life for as long as I can remember, that I don't think of it as a hobby very often. I can barely go to sleep at night without spending time reading (usually 30 to 40 minutes, depending on how tired I am). I never pack a suitcase to go away without including a book or many more!

I've just this last week or so made a very exciting discovery. You see one of my chronic problems is running out of books to read because I read quite fast. It's not a problem in Australia because there's always a library to turn to. People think about various things that missionaries sacrifice when they go overseas but rarely do they mention access to a library. And we live on a limited budget, so buying many books, even eBooks, is not a good option either.

Don't feel too sorry for me, because for the last 14 years we've had access to the school library. But recently I've noticed that I am having much more trouble finding fiction there that I haven't read and also like (there's lots of fantasy and SciFi, but they aren't my genre).

So, back to my exciting discovery: our Australian library card allows us to borrow eBooks! I can't read them on my old Kindle, but a free app on my phone has turned that device into a  huge source of free books! I'm so excited. And instead of filling free pockets of time with too many phone games, I've been reading instead. Oh the joy!

But today, I want to do something I do very rarely and share with you a book that I read recently. A hard-copy book! It's by a friend of mine and fellow Aussie OMF missionary— Christine Dillon (author-signed copy!).

Grace in Deep Waters is Christine's third book in this realistic fiction series. The previous two are Grace in Strange Design and Grace in the Shadows. They are Christian fiction, which I am often a little tentative to touch because Christian fiction can be a bit unrealistic or predictable (with the inevitable romance thrown in). But this series is none of those things. The family that is at the centre of this series faces some very challenging, yet realistic problems in their faith, health, and relationships. And yet the grace of God shines through in remarkable and unexpected ways. So much so that it's hard to put the books down because you want to see how God's going to work in and through these flawed, yet realistic characters.

One reason it's hard to write fiction reviews is the danger of "spoilers" as my son would say. I don't want to wreck your experience of reading this. Though I wouldn't recommend starting this book while your loved one is in surgery, as I did. My heart was a little too raw that morning to deal with the difficult emotions at the start of this book. However, the book moves from a dark and difficult place towards much better things.

It's a treat to read an Australian book with a Christian "heart" by an Australian author. If you have not picked up this series, I highly recommend it! Christine is working on the fourth in the series, and I can't wait to get my hands on that, because the end of this book leaves you hanging, and hungering for more of the story.

(And no, she didn't pay me to write this, neither did she give me the book.) 

Musing Marshalls in December

I've been busier I'd like. And more tired than I'd like to admit! The latter is proved by being clumsier in my actions and words than usual. I'm very much looking forward to our holiday next week. We're taking off to the mountain (same places as July) for a week.

I was very thankful to put one of my projects to "bed" last week when we sent the Winter issue of Japan Harvest to the printer (I'll help them pack some of the magazines this Friday, but that's probably the easiest thing I do for the magazine). I was also thankful to get our prayer letter off last week. 

I've got stuff I'd like to write here, but for today, I'll settle with just posting the first page of our prayer letter. If you're interested in receiving the whole thing (the second page includes more personal details and prayer points), please contact me. We send it out 11 times a year via a Mailchimp email. I also might get around to editing the video I mention here so that I can post it on this blog. I almost posted it here last week, but then I realised that the identity of our boys that I have carefully kept off this blog, was completely revealed in the video. So that will have to wait.