It's a daily battle

Well, the last two blog posts have been really easy to write: from inside the writing retreat and then last week's wonderful news about our family. But today's isn't rolling off my fingers.

Last week I had a quiet week working at home with only one meeting. After a busy time at the retreat the previous week, it was good to counterbalance that with a more restful one. But it is when I'm not so busy, and also in the "slump" after a big, highly anticipated event, that doubts and negative thoughts start to creep into my mind.

Some of those internal voices I hear are words about how ineffective and useless I am, and you have to read that in the context of the organisation we're apart of and the reason we're in Japan. We're here because so few Japanese people follow Jesus. I talk and write about how important support ministry is (the name of the work that David and I are primarily involved in), but sometimes it feels like we're just not doing enough and by extension, are not enough. I think that is probably a common feeling amongst missionaries in this country. We don't talk about it much, but it's the big elephant in the room, and one reason that people burn out or fizzle out here.

Last week I felt particularly heavy-hearted about Japan as a nation (not about living here, but how tough a place it is for people to come to faith in Christ, and continue in that faith). In some weird way I found that sadness a comfort: Jesus himself wept over Jerusalem (Luke 19:41), surely he weeps over Japan too! It is right to be sad about those who don't know Christ.

But at the same time, I know we need to take heart and trust in God. He's got us (and our colleagues) here for a reason. Missionaries generally don't just decide to go off and "do stuff" in foreign countries, they are compelled by Scripture and the Holy Spirit to do this. It's hard to prove in black-and-white, but we're here due to an overwhelming sense that it's the right place to be serving God.

Earlier this week I saw this article "Tethering tightly" from A Life Overseas, and though the situation of the author differs from ours in various ways, she hits on some important points about persevering in this life of faith by thinking about the verse in John 15:

I am the vine, you are the branches; the one who remains in me, and I in him bears much fruit, for apart from me you can do nothing. (vs 5 NASB).

Here are some points that were good to be reminded of:

• Living abroad takes its toll. The layers of grief, hopes for the future, fatigue, and persevering through trials.
• We're called to remain steadfast in God, not to change our circumstances to get relief from our struggles or weakness.
• God is the vine, our stability in the midst of the constant changing human landscape. He's the only one who can truly satisfy us and strengthen us.
  
• I'm just a branch. I don't have all the answers or solutions. I'm part of it, but not expected to do everything or be everything.

  

  I also spent an hour with a new hairdresser as she
  tried to comprehend what I wanted to do with
  this unfamiliar "Western" hair. I think she did
  a good job in the end. I don't think I've ever had 
  someone try so hard. I learned a new, helpful
  word "nagamochi" which means "longlasting"
  and apparently can be applied to skinflint
  missionaries who don't want to pay for a haircut
  every other week!

• My job is mostly to remain in him and he will do the work, whatever work that he decides to do.
• It's simply not about me. About what I do, how I serve, what my productivity or lack of productivity is, what activities I do or complete, what things I tick off on my lists.

Please don't imagine that I've been curled up on the lounge in despair. I haven't! I've actually been moderately busy most days—writing, editing, reading, emailing, planning, thinking, etc. I could tell you several very encouraging things that happened in the last 10 days, not the least was, on Saturday, doing a bunch of baking for church, and getting a tonne of appreciation for that on Sunday! I also had a very encouraging time at a coffee shop with a new friend from church.

But it's a daily battle, isn't it? To keep our eyes fixed on Jesus. To remember that we're not the centre of the story. And to do our desperate best, despite our weak and distracted selves, to remain in Christ. Thankfully that's not up to us either. He's got us in a far more solid grasp than we'll ever be capable of.

Buzzing with exciting news

I'm still buzzing from the writing retreat, but more "buzz" was to come on Saturday. We've known for several weeks, but finally we were able to talk openly about our impending grandparent-hood! 

My kids were all born pre-social media, so I come from an era where people didn't do announcements like this. But how fun is this photo that I made?

I feel like life is shooting past faster than I can comprehend, though! Only two years ago I had a kid at school...and then I was adjusting to "open nesting" and then having a daughter-in-law and now a grandchild is on the way? 

Phew! It's a lot! But also a lot of joy. 

The only sad thing about it is that we live a long way away from the expectant couple and we don't have a huge budget. Decisions about our movements at Christmas time are now pending...

Writing from the depths of a writing retreat

We are into day four of our five-day writing retreat. It's going really well from an organiser's perspective. You might wonder what a retreat like this looks like. From my research and experience, a writing retreat can look quite different from one to the other. It can be as simple as one person going somewhere for the day and working on a writing project. Or it can be as complex as a group going to a very special destination for a lengthy period with a complex schedule that includes teaching, workshops, small groups, as well as individual and writing time.

This retreat is a time for missionaries who feel compelled to write to get away from their daily lives (and ministry) and write and talk about writing amongst ourselves. And we've had lots of time to do both. Each day we're spending up to five hours in "Shut up and write" (SUAW) time where we're trying hard to stay silent. We don't have desks in individual rooms, so we're mostly quietly writing in a single (beautiful) communal room. Often people will stop and go for a walk, or have a snack to break up the time. One of our group has been stoking literal fires. The room is heated by a wood heater, and yes, it's cool enough in the evenings to enjoy that.

Aomori Christian Center

Each day we're starting, straight after breakfast with a devotions led by one of the participants and a short time of prayer. We follow this with 10 minutes of "no-back-space" writing time, using a choice of several prompts, from the serious to the absurd. After that, there's time to share what you've written, if you wish. I've also given a Daily Creative Challenge that people can choose to do during the day if they wish. Then we transition into a couple of hours of SUAW before lunch.

After lunch we've spent 40–80 minutes talking about writing, which has been participant-led. It's often been people sharing something they've written and the rest of us giving kind, but constructive feedback. But also we've had discussions about an idea for a story or article.

The rest of the afternoon is SUAW. It's been wonderfully focused time. No nattering or catching up on email or errands to run or meals to prepare or meetings to attend. I'm so thankful that our hosts here are fully catering for meals, snacks, and drinks. 

After dinner we've had time to share our responses (if we wish) to the Daily Challenge. On the first couple of evenings we had some get-to-know you questions that we each answered, as well as sharing our expectations for the week. Then we've indulged in some fun games which have been welcome after the intensity of the day.

I'm appreciating the time to relax into being here, and also being with this small group, most of whom I didn't know well. It means that it's much less hit-and-go than previous short events that I've led, most of which have been one or two nights only. We've been able to focus on longer projects or getting more things written. But it's also challenging. This hasn't been a holiday.

As one who has mostly worked in the publishing field as an editor, to have this much time to work on my own writing is very confronting. It's not that I haven't written much in the last 17 years, I've actually written quite a lot! Dozens of magazine articles and online articles, a handful of short pieces in book collections, and a personal blog that now contains 3,300 posts. 

It's the latter that I'm focusing on this week. The last three days I've been reviewing what I have actually written...from the beginning in March 2009. I've been pondering what content I've got that could be reworked into a larger thing—also known as a book—for publication. That is also confronting. For years I've eschewed any idea that I might write a book, and now I'm wondering if I actually should. That scares me because it is a big project, a long-term project. But it also excites me.

The other exciting thing is that it's looking likely that we'll be able to do it again next year in the same location. Hopefully we'll be able to widen the invitation to allow a larger group to join us. Though the small group has been very special and comfortable, I know that there are others out there who would love to join us and would both benefit and contribute. We'll see what feedback everyone gives me after this is over so that we can make the next one even better. 

Exciting week coming up

One of my secret joys is getting away with other people who love to write, and simply focussing on writing. And living in a country where the language is not your own is a lonely place for a writer. So I've had to make my own opportunities.

It's over five years since I ran a writing retreat. On Monday I'm heading north to host a five-day retreat for OMF people. I'm so glad that this long-held dream is actually coming to pass, and that I really haven't had to do too much to prepare.

A scene from the 2020
writers retreat.

Last time I did this it was mid-March 2020 at the start of the crazy pandemic years...literally, that plague was a few weeks old and we were nervous. Thirteen of us gathered in three holiday apartments (where we've often had holidays in the mountains). I "outlawed" talking about the pandemic and we didn't wear masks. Little did I know that would be the last time I saw the faces of people in person outside my family for many many months (or was it years?).

It was so successful that several people who attended kept asking me when I was going to do it again. One of the attendees and I dreamed of doing this "up north", closer to where she lives. But with the pandemic as well as challenges within our own family and then home assignment, none of that has been possible.

But the dream goes way back 15 years to when I first thought about hosting a retreat/workshop and then did my first micro retreat in November 2011. I ran six between 2011 and 2020, and only one of them in Tokyo. Most of them I was involved with logistics, finance, catering, and transport too (I was often the driver and last time the facilities manager too)!

Ever since we came back to Japan last year, I've been working towards pulling this off, and in January we finally found a venue and got dates and things started to come together. And then we had eight people (beside me) sign up. So exciting!

This one is going to be easy: it's catered, finances are taken care of by the venue, and we even get transfers from the train station. And I don't have any teaching to do.

Five days is the longest one I've ever hosted (I attended a five-day one in Hong Kong in 2010). It's such a relaxed schedule that we should have a lot of time to write...something I've not had the chance to do much of in any of the six I've hosted before.

My goals for the retreat are:

1. To provide a space for people who write to get away and do that.

2. To energise writers by getting them together.

3. To offer people help with writing or editing...if they want it.

4. To make concrete plans to do this on a bigger scale, for a wider group of people, next year.

A couple of people asked me about my personal writing goals. I have one big idea and a couple of smaller ones. We'll see where and how God leads. I am full of anticipation, though. Watch this space.