Living with the tension of not understanding why

I finally got myself back to the gym this morning. Ever since my husband was in hospital in the latter half of November (followed by family holidays and school holidays), I haven't really caught up on work. And if I'm behind on work, I find it hard to justify the time it takes to go to the gym. Anyway, after five straight work-days at my desk (with just grocery shopping to interrupt my computer time), I'm feeling like I'm not paddling so desperately anymore. It's a nice feeling! 

The gym is a good place to think and process and I spent time thinking over the recent weeks and what I might write here this week.

So, after three weeks of very lazy holidays, our family got whiplash on the 6th when we went back to school and work. Work that I had put to one side over the break suddenly overwhelmed and I paddled with fervour. Those first ten days after getting back came with two big deadlines: 

1. The prayer booklet for Japan that I'm working with. From mid-November I was responsible for liaising with authors, acquiring content, and doing the initial edits. that was all due in my first week back.
2. Last Wednesday morning I taught about writing and social media at our mission's annual pre-home assignment workshop. It was a first for me to stand up in front of a mission workshop like this as "the expert" and it took both time to prepare for, and time to recover from!

In the latter part of last week it was a relief to have those two things over, and be able to concentrate on my more regular work (although #1 is by no means over, I've got more to do there, but I did [mostly] meet that particular deadline).

As I reflected on these weeks this morning, while working the machines, the undercurrent of grief that flows ever stronger, the older I get, worked its way closer to the surface. I've had to ignore it to meet my deadlines and get my work done, but on reflection, there's a lot of "brokenness" going on around me.

Australia's disasters
I think I may have offended some non-Australians recently when they've asked me about my country's state. As much as I love social media, it is capable of spreading misinformation and ugliness quickly. Most of the rest of the world has been under the impression that the majority of Australia is burning. Unfortunately, the fires are a more dramatic story than the devastating drought that my country's been labouring under for years now. And, yes, the fires are of enormous magnitude, but no, the majority of Australia is not on fire.

I hate the blame-casting. Of course, everyone who talks to us about it wants to know why the fires have been so bad this year (Australia has fires most summers). But so far as I can see there is no easy answer to this question. There are many factors that have tragically combined to produce this disaster. (Please note that I really don't want to have a discussion on this on social media and will delete comments on this post that are to that effect.)

Once again it hurts to be watching from a distance as our loved ones suffer. Though I am very thankful that none of my family or close friends have lost their houses or lives, my heart goes out to those who have. The air quality of our beautiful land has been difficult for many millions. And again, the suffering brought on by the drought is hard to comprehend, but our farmers, in particular, are doing it really tough.

Personal disasters
And then there's family and friends who are suffering just now, apart from the national disaster: watching a child die from cancer, trying to find a way through this year as a marriage dies, and dealing with the false accusations and old-boy-style of working in a new job. Just a few of the currents that are running under the surface of my life at present.

I'm trying to compartmentalise: seeking to enjoy the blessings God brings into my life (thanking him for clean air to breathe, for example) while at the same time holding the pain of my friends (which is also my own to a certain degree).

Yesterday I listened to an English sermon while I ate lunch and did other household tasks. It was specifically about what God thinks about the fires in Australia. It pointed us back to the fact that this world is broken and groaning and nothing is going to fix it before Jesus comes back. The preacher compelled us to be compassionate and do what we can for those who are hurting, but also to fix our eyes on Jesus. To put full trust in him alone, because no other can save us in the long run. 

We can put the fires out, but will still die of some other cause later. We can follow God's lead to a new job, and find that the rug has been pulled from underneath us before we even arrived. We can be as good as we possibly can, but still have the person we pledged to love forever turn their back on us. We can devote our lives to serving others, only to have cancer take our lives.

God's most extensive answer to someone who asked "Why?" that is recorded in the Bible is in Job. If you read through chapters 38 to 41, you quickly have your breath taken away. God didn't answer Job's question about why he suffered so greatly, but rather revealed to Job the vast chasm of difference between his knowledge and power and God's. Afterall what human can answer the question: "Do you send the lightning bolts on their way? Do they report to you, 'Here we are'?" (38:35 NIV).

And again in Isaiah 40 God speaks to his people, people who are in a world of pain: exiled, crushed, and without hope. He points to his great power and wisdom, "Who has measured the waters in the hollow of his hand, or with the breadth of his hand marked off the heavens? Who has held the dust of the earth in a basket, or weighed the mountains on the scales and the hills in a balance?" (v12 NIV).

So, I'm pointed back to God, who says:

"We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perpelxed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destoryed... 

So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal" (2 Cor. 4:8, 9, 18 NIV).

For me, now, today, that means continuing to trust God no matter what comes across my path. I don't understand and don't want, the pain, grief, or strife. But I won't turn my back on God, whose understanding far surpasses mine. For the time being, we all have to live with the tension of not-understanding: just like we do when we watch a movie that doesn't lay out all the pieces at the start.