Looking back at 2019

Well I've neglected this blog for the last couple of weeks. I was tired and needing a break from many things. Hunkering down for a break meant majoring on reading, recreation with the family, more sleep, and basics that continue as usual like feeding everyone (plus some festive baking).

But it's time for an end-of year blog post! Actually I'm finding that our six months in Australia last year has disrupted my memories of this last year somehow. Not sure why, though I do know we started the year very tired and that hasn't much abated as we've been propelled along by life's responsibilities.

I read an article recently that suggested some interesting questions. I thought some of them were helpful, especially if I'm having trouble remembering details about my year. So I'll give this a go.

1. What makes this year unforgetable?

• Coming back after six months away and jumping straight into school was a new experience for us. We won't be keen to do that again! Especially with all the last-minute drama surrounding our departure.
• Having David in hospital for two operations was also a new experience. One I'd also be happy not to repeat. 

2. What did you enjoy doing this year?

• I enjoyed staying in touch with four special friends in Australia, friendships I'm counting on more than I have in the past. It's a new strategy to keep me emotionally healthy that I am very grateful for.
• A two-week holiday in July that wasn't camping was something we haven't done for several years. Our boys were initially opposed to it, but it turned out really well, something we'd like to repeat in 2020.

3. What/who is one thing/person you're grateful for?

• David, of course. Having him incapacitated in hospital for 20 days (in total) was a sharp reminder of how much we work together as a team to keep us afloat here in Japan.

4. What did you read/watch/listen to that made the most impact this year?

• This is a hard question! I could glibly say "the Bible". That's a good Sunday School answer! But more specifically, having special friends (note my question one answer) who are going through hard times, but love the Lord and love me too, has meant we're keeping each other accountable to keep our eyes on Jesus. I can't pin down any one time or passage or book that has made the most impact, though.
• However, in the last couple of months the verse "Be still and know that I am God" (Psalm 46:10) has been special. That verse was given to me on a little card at the spiritual retreat I went to in May. It's a verse I've known since childhood, but only recently have I realised the deeper meaning of it: God is way above my ability to understand him, I need to continually relax my desire to control things and people around me and let God be God. I need to continually remember that worry doesn't help and God actually tells us not to be anxious (Philippians 4:6). I can walk away from my work and leave anything unresolved in God's hand. I can go to sleep at night and leave all my concerns with him.

5. What did you worry about most and how did it turn out?

• Well this follows uncomfortably on the tail of the previous question. I can't answer this too transparently here as that would impede on the privacy of some I love.
• I did worry about David's hospitalisations: about how I would cope and about what could go wrong. It all turned out okay, though.
• I worried about one of our sons and some educational hoops that he had to or chose to jump through in the last 18 months. That also worked out okay, but not without a good deal of stress incurred by our family.
• When we came back in January we had some unfinished business that we had to attend to to transfer our family here well. That took some time and travel, but I couldn't say I wasn't worried about it at the time. It's also turned out well.
• Finances were a concern early in the year as our mission only conditionally cleared us to return to Japan. Worries again unfounded and God has provided all we've needed.

6. What was your biggest regret and why?

• Another hard question! Words are one of my strengths, but also my biggest downfall and I've used my words unwisely on occasion this year. There are words I wish I'd never typed (or spoken). 

7. What's one thing that changed about yourself?

• Yikes, these questions are getting harder. Perhaps because of the four special friendships I've cultivated in Australia I am more settled? I'm very grateful to the two ladies who I text with almost every day. Because we are so frequently in touch I don't need to explain much. If I'm having a good or bad day, I can just say it.
• Our eyes are on the goal of getting our youngest two through high school and then moving on the empty nest stage. It's not that far away! I think that change in focus is probably significant.

8. What surprised you the most this year?

• Possibly a few of the decisions our boys made in relation to what they've committed to do or not do. 

So . . . after that forced reflection, here are some highlights from the year:

• Coming back to Japan in early January and feeling at home pretty quickly. That was underscored by how close we came to not coming back at all which made us all the more thankful.
• Having our eldest visit twice during the year.
• Three camping trips: to the beach in March, the mountains in June (though excessively wet), and northern plains in August.
• Two family holidays in the mountains.
• Continuing to plug away at Japanese study and slowly seeing the benefits of that.
• Spiritual retreat in May.
• I had a pretty healthy year.
• Discovering I could borrow ebooks from our library in Australia.
• Receiving a huge care package from our home church this month. Seeing them learning about what supporting their own missionaries looks like.
• Starting a new prayer booklet publication project.

Lowlights of the year

• Hospitalisations of David, as previously mentioned.
• Sometimes feeling a lack of motivation for my work. Possibly fatigue, but also a product of having reached something of a plateau, as in I'm doing a lot of the same work with all the challenges and not many changes.
• Hardships that family and friends in Australia have endured: deaths, cancer, marriage breakups, mental health problems, drought and fire, etc.
• Having to say goodbye to our son at the end of his visits here.

Later this week I will write a "looking forward to 2020" post, so I won't go there now. But I will finish this post with thoughts about being real. Mid-year, in an attempt to resolve some of the angst I've felt about not writing here as often anymore, I resolved to write weekly. 

I've not done too badly at that, however I'm aware that it's meant I've moved a little bit away from my desire to write about my daily, ordinary life. However, I remain committed to that ultimate goal: to write so that people will see that we are not some superhero missionaries living a life most people could never imagine or attain. 

On Sunday a song was playing on our computer (with a son with misophonia, we often have music playing in our dining room). It's a song I've heard many times before, but it grabbed my attention. It's called "Just Pretending", here are some of the lyrics towards the end:

What if we just all agreed
To wear our hearts on wrinkled sleeves
And live the mess and mystery
Of a real life

That's what I'd like to do. But before I traverse into the land of "looking forwards" I'll quit and let you hear the song itself: