Tips for getting started in conversation

Last night I was procrastinating about leaving our warm lounge room and going to bed when I stumbled upon this great article about tips for making small talk. I'm not bad at small talk, though I don't enjoy doing it for lengthy periods. But there are several members of my family who find conversation just a bit harder at times! 

The article had two easy-to-remember tips for starting (or at least not abruptly finishing) a conversation. I reckon I'll have to tell the guys about these tips.

1. Triangulation rule 

"There’s the “triangulation” approach to small talk (named by Kio Stark, author of When Strangers Meet). This method involves three points: you, your partner, and the observable thing in front of you—in other words, your common ground."

So you work at finding common ground and often the easiest is related to where you physically are right then, or things that you're both experiencing. That's why weather is a big feature of small talk, it's neutral ground that everyone in a physical place has in common.

But the idea of the three points, is that you can work at finding out things about the other person that the two of you have in common. That is why people will ask about where you come from, what you do for a job, where you've lived, etc. 

I always think that asking someone questions about them is a safe option for small talk. People are usually happy to talk about themselves and if you're feeling a bit uneasy or unwilling to share about yourself, asking about someone else takes the focus and pressure off you.

2. The improvisation rule of "yes, and..." 

I hadn't heard this one before, but it makes sense. The idea is that you accept the premise that's given to you, and add to it without hesitation.

For example:

“If we’re improvising and I say, ‘Freeze, I have a gun,’ and you say, ‘That’s not a gun. It’s your finger. You’re pointing your finger at me,’ our improvised scene has ground to a halt. But if I say, ‘Freeze, I have a gun!’ and you say, ‘The gun I gave you for Christmas! . . . ’ then we have started a scene because we have AGREED that my finger is in fact a Christmas gun.” 

So in a conversation that might look like:
"Wow, it's freezing today."
You reply, "Yeah, I had so much trouble getting out of bed today."
And the conversation can move on from there. Adding a question in gets you bonus points as you throw the conversational ball back to the other person.

The "wrong" immediate reply is "I used to live in Sapporo, it gets way colder there, this is nothing." That reply will probably result in an awkward silence. I struggled with this rule in Australia at times, especially if I was tired or sick of small talk. And yes, when my experience of the world is so different to the person I was talking to. For example, if someone in Brisbane said the "it's freezing" comment, I might have struggled to answer that when the temperature was a balmy 18˚C!

And finally:

Don't be afraid to talk about yourself, even if it is about something that seems mundane. For example, about a book you've recently read, or a movie you've seen. Or perhaps something interesting you saw or experienced as you went about your day.

What tips would you give for working on your small talk?