Kids bring constraints

"We can't get out to meet people because of our kids." 

Our boys' social lives are completely turned on their
heads on home assignment. There are some kids that
they remember, but with three to five years between
encounters, things can be awkward. But often they have
had to socialising with people who David and I know, 
rather than people they know.

This was said by an experienced missionary on home assignment whose journey through parenting as a missionary has gone a very different path to ours. Most of their home assignments have been as singles or as a childless couple. 

Our whole missionary journey has been with children, so we've never been without the challenge of doing home assignment without considering our children. When they were younger we more easily bundled them in the car and took them wherever we went, though we had to consider things like feeds (yep, done deputation with two of our boys when they were newborns), daytime sleeps, and early bedtimes. 

We used to pray before each church meeting that there would be someone who would take it upon themselves to volunteer as a temporary babysitter while we spoke during the service. 

As they got older, we had to consider entertainment and distraction: how to keep their busy bodies and minds in check while we did our thing. Then school came into the equation and we had to make home assignment decisions around schooling that involved where we lived, when we worked, and how we'd juggle moving between two different schooling systems and school years (one starting in August and one in January).

These days we're free-er to go out without them, sometimes leaving them on their own at home during the day. This home assingment we have had one at uni, one at a day school, and one doing homeschooling. All three options had an impact on the way we did things. 

But as teens they are much more opinionated about what we do and how we do it. We've been as considerate as we could in how we include them and how much we expect of them. That has included sometimes allowing our younger two to go to our home church without us, while we've been at another church, choosing not to stay overnight at a church 90 minutes from our house, or turning down the opportunity to take on a week-long opportunity at a church far enough away that we'd have had to stay there the week. 

And we've never expected them to stand up in front of a church with us or participate in any way, other than being present (which has been enough of a trial at times—they've heard our standard spiel more than a dozen times and David's single sermon at least half a dozen times, not to mention fielding questions from interested/concerned bystanders who felt that our boys needed to receive attention). These are decisions that we've judged best for our kids and our family in general, they aren't general recommendations for how anyone else should do home assignment, though I believe wise parents will always do their best to consider the needs of their kids as they make decisions about home assignment.

But some people have had trouble, at times, understanding our decisions. We've tried to be understanding and, when necessary, explain in a general way that doesn't infringe on our family's privacy. But I do wonder sometimes, why the standards must be different for us than they are for others. After all, I think most families with teenagers would not agree that they could happily uproot their family, go to a different country, put their kids in school, and drag them all over the place—visiting churches and other groups on their weekends and at nights. It is a really hard thing to ask of a family, but missionary familes are expected to do it.

Though I have to remember that other people don't know our kids or our family very well, and it's not easy for others to see the reasoning behind the decisions we make and how much stress we hold as we try to do our best to consider everyone's needs as well as our responsibilities.

Needless to say, we're happy to be going back to Japan soon and walking away from many of these stressors. We have a much more "normal" life in Japan. One where our weeks are pretty regular, with boys at school, and David and I working regular office hours. Our weekends are full of sport and church and resting.

I hope this doesn't come across as a big whinge. This is something that is close to my heart, and it's hard not to write passionately about it. I'm really grateful to the people who pray for our kids as their deal with our not-so-ordinary lifestyle.