Independence — a legitimate goal?

Not being 100% competent at managing my life is okay and the idea that I could manage this is just a lie, an illusion.

This is one of the things I struggled with this time coming back from Australia. Every country-to-country transition we make is challenging. The challenges vary, from physical to mental and spiritual. And they vary according to life stage and experience. This time I also struggled with coming back to Japan so fast (it is the fastest turn-around I've ever had from Australia).

This isn't the first time I've struggled on this independence issue, and I dare say it won't be the last.

In Australia I am very independent, and pretty competant. I can manage my own affairs fairly well. I can answer the phone and talk to anyone who calls. I can answer the door and know what any salesperson is saying to me and how to politely knock them back. I can go to the bank, the hairdresser, the doctor, the post office, the dentist and have (almost) no communication troubles whatsoever.

That isn't the case in Japan. It just isn't. 

In Japan I rely far more on my husband and others to stay afloat. I am not particularly competent here. People who first come to Japan (or any country where they don't speak the language) and talk about feeling like they're in kindergarten again. Yep. And now, 12 years later, it just feels like I never graduated.

But if I look at the situation in a balanced way, I do okay. I can go to the shops, use the train, go to my local doctor (for regular problems like asthma), visit the pharmacy, go out for coffee, go to the gym. I can even go to the hairdresser too. And even if I can't have the conversations I'd like to have in those places, I do manage to do them without anyone holding my hand.

I can answer the phone and the door too, and I know how to say, "I don't understand" or "No thank you." but I don't always know what I'm saying "No thank you" for!

There are some things that David and I have just divided up as "my" responsibility and "his". And in Japan he happens to hold more responsibilities for me than he does in Australia. Things like reading official letters, dealing with bureaucracy, ringing the real estate for repairs on the house. Those are his.

And if things go a bit awry or something out-of-the-usual occurs that I need help. 

Like losing my health care card (like an Australian Medicare Card). It's gone missing. I don't know how long it has been missing, but it's gone and David is going to the City office this afternoon to see if he can get a replacement for me. One benefit about Japan is that there is one person designated "in charge" of the household, usually the husband, and he can do many things without the presence of the other members.

Ah, stop the press. It's been found . . . in my husband's wallet. How odd is that?

But back to the original statement: the idea that I should be totally independent. It really isn't true, is it? "No one is an island" is a nice cliche, but it really is true, isn't it. 

For example, while I have good health I can build an illusion of independence. But as soon as I come down with gastro, I'm dependent on others. Losing my independence is as simple as a little germ, or the loss of a job, or an accident.

The only reason I am able to be independent at any time is a gift from God. One not to be proud of if I have or despondent about if I don't. I'm not "more acceptable" if I'm able to manage my own affairs independently. 

What do you think? Where do we get this fierce independence from? The reluctance to rely on others? 

My Occupational Therapy training has a little bit to do with it, I think. It is something I know has had an influence on my parenting. If someone can do something themselves, I'm very reluctant to do it for them (like put socks in the right place).

But I think it is a deeper thing too. Something that makes us feel sorry for people with disabilities. Something that frustrates us when we're ill or otherwise limited. What do you think?