What's it like, being in Japan without your kids?

Missionaries with younger kids are asking me: How does being here without kids feel?

A few different ways to describe it and I'm grappling for the best way. The most dramatic is to compare it to the grief of losing someone you love. You know they are in heaven and without pain. You’re happy for them, but still sad. You wouldn’t wish them back for anything. Like any metaphor this breaks down pretty quickly, but it does convey that there’s an emptiness in our lives, and it’s a matter of sitting with that and finding a way forward. They will always be part of our story, just not an everyday part. It's weird that we're meeting people now who have never known our sons, and often I feel compelled to bring them somehow into the conversation: they are part of who we are, they bring context to our lives.

Today I'm a little sad because its one of our son's birthdays. It's the first year that I won't celebrate with him in person. He's not a big one for parties, but we'd always have a cake and presents for a small family celebration. I'm not making a cake or wrapping presents today.

But if you think about it just a short while you realise that it is also sad if they don’t move on! It's a natural and expected change and when that doesn't happen it's a cause of grief too. A Japanese colleague pointed out to me that having them remain tiny and dependent is not what we want.

Parenting is all about sadness and happiness. Both emotions regularly occur at the same time from very early on: when a child begins eating food instead of drinking mum's milk, when they start school, have their first sleepover away from home, get their licence, finish school. All these evoke both sad and happy emotions for the parent. And often other emotions too like fear and pride.

And then there is expectations that we place on ourselves and our kids and that society places on us. When those expectations aren't met we run into emotional challenges too.

People working cross-culturally generally expect that their kids will move to another country after high school. Most of our expat peers here with adult children are living in a different countries to their kids. So in that sense it is normal.

Arggh, basically parenting is an emotional business, there's no way around it, not even not having kids.

On the positive side of things, it is wonderful watching our sons living life independently (even if we're doing it from a distance). There were many years when I wondered if they ever could learn to take showers (or go to bed) without us prompting them. But to be all taking care of their own basic needs (including feeding themselves) is nothing short of amazing, when I think about it. None of them have someone else cooking or housekeeping for them. None of them has someone else driving them around or keeping an eye on their schedule. That they are all functioning as independent adults is a source of great joy.

It must be said that there is less stress in not living in the same house as them: out of sight out of mind, is fairly true. It's not that we don't care and we don't think of and pray for them often, but we aren't spectators to their daily lives and so things that are stressors don't weigh us down like it would if we were closer. We are also not rubbing each other up the wrong way on a daily basis (living with someone on the autistic spectrum who also struggles with anxiety and misophonia isn't a walk in the park). I think we have more to give others as a result.

There's joy in doing (and eating) things that we could never do when they were here. Eating out has gotten more affordable, and so has eating in! We can be more spontaneous too. I still remember, as a young adult hearing that my parents has spontaneously gone out to the movies. It seemed quite out of character...but I only knew them as people who had children at home and they were discovering who they were without that responsibility.

Yes our house is quieter, that is mostly good. What's weird to me is that they all moved out more than six months ago and I'm still feeling the difference. We left on our two month sojourn just after they left, so didn't have much time to grieve then. Then we got back only three months before leaving the country, so there was a lot to do to plan and execute that move. 

Now it's all over and there isn't much to plan, not so much to talk about. That's weird. We've sat for so long with trying to figure out "what's next" and especially wondering how we'd be able to achieve all that was necessary for our guys to all move out and us move back to Japan without them. After living with that tension and stress, it's an adjustment to get back to a more "boring" life. Living life with contentment is obviously something I need to work on.

So, overall it's good, but there's no quick answer to "What's it like without your kids?"

A week in the life of Wendy

I'm glad to say that I'm feeling much better. Which is good, because I've had plenty going on. Here are the more interesting bits: 

Friday gathering

On Friday I went to a prayer gathering in a Chinese friend's home. It's a gathering of expat and Japanese mums who have kids with special needs. Our kids range in age from 6 to 36, but it doesn't matter. These ladies understand the unique challenges of being mums to kids who don't match the norms of their peers and who have extra challenges to overcome. We shared, and cried, and prayed, and talked. We only gather six times a year, and it's always special. It was great to be back in person with them, in Australia I joined via Zoom a couple of times, but that was difficult. 

One of the questions that they each carry with them is what will the future look like for my child. It was great to be able to share some of the big successes we've had with our sons over the last year. One of the mums reminded me that last time I was with them in person I was a mess, it was the week we moved out of our old house. I was stressed and tired and was facing a lot of unknowns in the months ahead. I'm in a much better place now and we were able to praise God together.

After I got home I did some quick email checks and then hopped on my bike to get groceries for the weekend.

Saturday fun

Preparing our house for guests. A table cloth
on a folding table makes all the difference!

Saturday morning I hosted an online magazine team meeting with the express purpose of having fun together. It was the first of four meetings we're having this month as part of our annual planning process. And it was fun! I love the energy of these colleagues.

Saturday afternoon was also fun. This year there are four families from our mission living in our little city (12.88 square km). We invited them all over for afternoon tea and games. If everyone had been able to come there would have been 15 in our little place, but we ended up with only 11. And it worked! I feel like our place is a character in our lives and we're just working out how it best works for different scenarios (the previous week we hosted dinner for a family). I'm excited. This is tapping into the extrovert side of me that has been a little repressed in the latter years of our boys years at high school (and the pandemic, of course, had an impact).

Sunday

Church in the morning and video chats and games with our sons in the afternoon. It was a full, but good day.

Mammoth Monday

Monday turned into a 12 hr work day for me. I left in a car full of male colleagues at 7.30 am, we travelled to the other side of Tokyo for the monthly OMF Kanto prayer and fellowship day. All these guys are married, but none of their wives could come (and David had to work at school too). These are the same families we spent Saturday afternoon with.

It took over an hour to get there, and then there was lots of chatting and catching up with people before the meeting began at 10 am. The acoustics in this room are pretty bad which means that when a large group gathers and everyone is mingling, it's really loud. I didn't count, but I'm guessing that there were probably around 50 people there. We had to shout to make ourselves heard!

It was a good time of worship, pondering God's word, sharing, and praying for one another. After the meeting we stayed and ate lunch (again loud). Not long before 2 I left with a good friend to have coffee somewhere else that was much quieter. We spent about two hours together. It's the first time I've seen her in over 12 months, and though we've kept in really regular texting contact, it was wonderful to have the time to sit in person and ask the questions that don't get asked or answered otherwise.

Then I jumped on a train and headed home (the car that came from our city had long left). Four trains later and a 10 minutes walk, I got home around 5.30. David had dinner organised and we ate. At 6.30 we jumped into a Zoom meeting with a group in Australia who pray each month for Japan. We spent the next 45 minutes talking about what we do and answering questions. By around 7.15 I was fading and pleaded for mercy. They prayed and we logged off around 7.30.

Tuesday desk day

It took me some time to get going the next day after waking with a headache and general fatigue lingering from the day before. I did email and other desk work in the morning. After lunch I dashed out for some much needed grocery shopping and then had a two-hour meeting with the OMF Japan social media team. I love their enthusiasm and "youth", so helpful in this particular ministry! After the meeting I dashed off a few more emails pertaining to things we'd discussed or decided in the meeting.

Wednesday more desk work and an outing

I spent Wednesday morning and late afternoon at my desk, but after lunch I did some light cleaning (it takes 15 minutes to vacuum my little apartment) and then took the car to pick up the same friend I had coffee with on Monday. She was on our side of town meeting with other missionaries, and really wanted to see our new place. So I fetched her and we spent another 45 minutes together before she had to head home. So lovely to have friends in our place, especially when they're so pleased with how it looks!

Thursday

This is another desk day. No meetings or shopping. My only outing today will be walking after dinner. I enjoy these quiet home days in the midst of other busy days. It gives me a chance to get some momentum on various work that requires good thinking. I'll also take time over lunch to listen to a church service from home, my long-time habit to help with my nurturing my own faith because I regrettably (still) get little out of a Japanese-language service on Sunday.

It's been a good week. I'm still gathering threads of life after being away for 12 months. It's a significant period and stuff has happened in that time. But in general I'm getting into a good rhythm. Each week looks different. None of the above happen on a weekly basis (except Sunday)! Some weeks are busier than others. Home assignment often felt like we were treading water waiting for things to happen. I'm glad to be back here doing the things...and now I don't know how to describe it. We spent a year in Australia talking about what we're currently doing. It's good to be doing them now, not just talking and thinking about them?

It's been a lot of change!

A week and a half ago I came down with a cold that David had already had for a week. We’re both still recovering, though each day our symptoms are receding further. We both have chronic asthma that is well controlled, but at times like these, it's in our face and limiting our capacity; both of us have lingering coughs. I went to the doctor last week to get my regular asthma meds and he thought I had sinusitis too, so fun times and lots of tissues. 

A friend captured the proposal
from a distance (only our son
knew the photographer was there)

Last weekend I had very limited energy, but nonetheless we had an exciting weekend: on the Saturday (24th) our eldest son asked his girlfriend to marry him and she said yes! So we’ve been digesting that news and gradually telling people. I started this blog in 2010 when he was only 10 years old. It’s hard to believe that we’re now already at another new stage of parenting: getting ready to welcome in a daughter-in-law! (And we’re only just starting to get used to having no kids at home in Japan.) Of course, we’re not in the same country as them, so we’re now planning a trip to Australia in January to help them celebrate their wedding. 

Every now and then I'm amazed at how much change has gone on in these last few months:

• our younger two sons moved out and that has precipitated many big and small changes that we're still adjusting to
• we moved countries, again
• we moved to Japan without children for the first time (and yes, this warrants its own bullet point)
• after a year of both of us based at home and not working regular hours, David's working outside the home again, 8–5 Monday to Friday, and I'm at my desk at home for many of those hours too
• we've downsized into a small apartment and small car
• I'm learning to cook again in a smaller kitchen with a smaller space for storing ingredients
• our eldest son has made a lot of changes in his life in the last couple of months, and believe it or not that is taking a bit to adjust to in our thinking
• our middle son, who has been unemployed since leaving school in June 2021, has a job, a licence, and a car, and continues to surprise us as to what he's able to achieve
• we are adjusting to the idea of having a future daughter-in-law whose name we know!
• we're planning an unexpected short trip to Australia for a wedding in January.

There are a few other things, including changes in the two teams I work with in Japan, but I'll leave the list as it is.

That list makes me feel tired! It partly explains why we got sick and it's taken so long to recover. It helps me to remember to be gracious to myself when I'm feeling wobbly or weak, and that transition of this magnitude takes time to recover from.

But aside from that, there is so much to be thankful for in the above list and we're amazed at God's provision, his leading, and his care for us and our children.